The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Time Tunnel

This is yet another first for ABC Not-Just-For-Kids -- I'm recapping a show I didn't watch when I was younger. Nothing against The Adventures of Pete and Pete; I just don't remember it even being shown here in Australia. And I definitely would remember it, because Big Pete was one of Kevin's brothers in the Home Alone movies. Nothing Home Alone-related gets past me. Nothing, y'hear?!

Don't worry, though, because I've been watching Pete and Pete on YouTube nonstop lately. It's got everything I want in a kids' show -- lots of bike-riding around town, a ranga, an awesome bully and a tale of unrequited teenage love. Let's meet (or remeet) the main characters:

Big Pete Wrigley (Michael Maronna) -- the oldest Pete. He's yet another cool ranga to add to our list, which is awesome, because that's only my favourite tag. Big Pete is usually our narrator, and every week he takes us on a Pete-filled adventure involving Pete. And sometimes, it also involves Pete. Little Pete, that is.

Little Pete Wrigley (Danny Tamberelli) -- the youngest Pete. He's kind of a jaded, annoying brat, so I don't have too much to say about him. Except that the kid who plays him was also Jackie Rodowsky in the Babysitters Club TV show.

Ellen Hickle (Alison Fanelli) -- Big Pete's best friend, and sometimes a little something more. She's such a sweetheart, even I have a little bit of an Ellen crush. Plus, she plays the French horn, and if we've learned anything from Freaks and Geeks, it's that Seth Rogen is hot for chicks who play brass instruments. (That's the lesson we were supposed to learn from Freaks and Geeks, right?)

Joyce Wrigley (Judy Grafe) -- the Petes' mother. She has a metal plate in her head. To be honest, none of the episodes I've seen feature very much of her, except the Mr. Tastee episode where she reveals that she and the boys' father met when he metal-detected her head at the beach.

Don Wrigley (Hardy Rawls) -- the Petes' father. He once found a car buried in the sand at the beach. Again, I'm not very well-versed on the parents yet.

Artie, the Strongest Man in the World (Toby Huss) -- a character I hate and only include here for authenticity's sake. I think he's a meth head or a pedophile or something.

Nona Mecklenberg (Michelle Trachtenberg) -- the slightly quirky neighbour. She's a friend of Little Pete's, and also, she's Michelle Trachtenberg pre-Harriet the Spy, so she gets an 'awesome' stamp from me. Plus, her dad's Iggy Pop. Seriously, Iggy Pop.

Endless Mike Hellstrom (Rick Gomez) -- the all-important bully. It wouldn't be a kids' show without a bully, and Mike really excels at it. I truly buy his commitment as the town badass.

Now let's get this recap started!

It's the last day of daylight savings time in Wellsville. (And, I suppose, the entire east coast.) Apparently every year on this day, the Petes decide to do something legendary with their extra hour, but this time Big Pete has something different up his sleeve -- he's going to ask Ellen Hickle out on a proper date to figure out once and for all whether or not she's his girlfriend or his friend who happens to be a girl. When he tells Little Pete of his plan, Little Pete reacts...well, let's just say he reacts. The words, "Kill me with a brick!" may have been used. This immediately (immediately!) reminds me of the scene Home Alone 2 where Kevin pelts the living shit out of Marv with bricks, which is coincidental because Big Pete was actually in that movie. To be fair, it's less likely to be a coincidence and more likely the fact that I can't stop thinking about Home Alone whenever Michael Maronna's on screen. God, I love those movies.

Big Pete has some narration time where he mentions that Little Pete wants to turn back more time than just an hour. I guess he's not ready to grow up yet, even though I sure would like him to. See, I don't like Little Pete. Not at all, not in the slightest. His antics don't amuse me, and the only reason I tolerate him is because he gets to hang out with cute-as-a-button Michelle Trachtenberg.

Big Pete finally gets up the courage to call Ellen from a tree outside her house. I had no idea cordless phones from the nineties could get reception that far away from its base, but there you go. Big Pete asks her out, and she nervously says yes. Aww, young love, blossoming right before our very eyes!

Meanwhile, Little Pete is getting ready for his trip back in time by wearing a mood ring (?) and eating a lot of riboflavin. (??) Nona's there, so it's okay. She's so cute, except for the tiny coffin she carries around with her. That's a little on the strange side.

In town, Big Pete's friend Teddy is riding one of those mechanical horsie rides they have out the front of stores. He appears to be enjoying it a little too much. Bill apparently bet him a dollar that he wouldn't ride it, but when Teddy asks him to pay up, Bill reveals that he actually said, "one doll hair." Heh. I'm so using that from now on. Sorry, Sportsbet.com, I actually bet twenty doll hairs on that footy game. Let me just go get my Barbies and settle up. Pete tells his buddies that he and Ellen are going out on a date, and they're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought. The boys decide that if the next car that comes along is a yellow schoolbus, it means the night will be a success. Naturally, Bus Driver Stu takes this opportunity to come by and give Big Pete a ride home. Wow, they're not even in school! Bus Driver Stu really goes that extra mile.

On the bus, Bus Driver Stu reveals that he and Bus Driver Sally broke up again. Dammit. I wish those crazy kids would just work it out. Big Pete begins to wonder if maybe this isn't such a good omen after all.

Little Pete and Nona are walking their bikes along the street, when Endless Mike comes by in his very own Mondale. Same colour as Brandon Walsh's and everything. Nona, who's the new girl on the block and doesn't realise that Endless Mike is who he is, tries to make friends with him. He responds by opening his car door and knocking her and Pete off their bikes. Wow. You know, I've noticed that a lot of bullies on these kids' shows are all talk, they don't really do all that much actual bullying, but shit, you guys. Endless Mike just knocked a little girl to the ground with a car door. That's pretty awful. And awesome. Not that I condone high-schoolers pushing little girls over, but way to actually be a bully, Endless Mike. I like your style. Anyway, Pete hatches a plan to use his extra hour to ruin Endless Mike's life and become a legend.

Big Pete decides to take his life into his own hands and ask Endless Mike if he can borrown his car for the evening. Surprisingly, Endless Mike says yes. He even gives Pete a lift to the drive-in after Pete reveals that he doesn't have a license. I guess Ellen will have to walk there, then. How chivalrous. At the drive in, Endless Mike gives Pete lessons on how to get lucky in a car. It involves fogging the windows up to create a "cocoon of love." The undertones here are subtle enough that they can get away with teaching Big Pete how to Zuko it up at the drive-in without too much trouble. Endless Mike's car even has a 'go' button that make the seats extend all the way back. That's a Quagmire move if I've ever seen one. Giggity giggity, Hellstrom. Giggity giggity.

Date night! Ellen arrives at the drive-in dressed in "a new vest and a nervous smile." Naww, Ellen. They talk for a little while about how weird it is that they're on a date, and do some more nervous smiling. (And vest-wearing.) Then Pete gets a little handsy and starts pulling the yawn-and-stretch move, and Ellen hurries off to get popcorn. Shot down, Pete. He decides that now's a good a time as any to prepare his cocoon of love, and tries to fog up the car windows by breathing on them. It does nothing. Way to breathe, No Breath. He eventually passes out on the car horn.

Nona and Little Pete, who've somehow snuck into the drive-in, attempt to lure the projectionist out of her little projection room to begin Operation End Endless Mike. So far, everything's perfect...except for the fact that Big Pete and Ellen are the ones in Endless Mike's car, not Endless Mike himself. A minor detail, as I'm sure he's not too far away.

Ellen returns with the popcorn and wakes Big Pete up. His recent coma was apparently personality-altering, and he decides to be Casanova all of a sudden. He even calls her "sugar love." Ick. Ellen complains that it's so foggy that they can't see the movie anymore, and he's all, "I know." Ellen suggests that perhaps they take this whole date thing a little slower, and Pete responds by putting on the charm and asking her, "Don't you wanna...know?" Know what, Pete? Is that 'know' in the biblical sense, because if it is...well, that's actually kinda awesome. I can't snark the Bible. Well, I could, but I'm not all that jazzed about the idea of eternal unrest, so...

Little Pete has infiltrated the projection room. He's pretty stealth for a loud, chubby ranga. He's shocked to see his own brother get out of Endless Mike's Mustang and head on over to the candy bar. Oh no! His plan! It's in tatters! TATTERS!

Big Pete returns to the car, and discovers that Ellen rolled the top down and destroyed his cocoon of love. Oh, Ellen. It's like you don't even care about all the trouble Pete's going to to get into your pants. Ten minutes before the movie's due to end, Pete realises that his window of opportunity is closing, so he presses the 'go' button and the two get horizontal. Ellen demands to know what kind of crazy shit Pete thinks he's pulling, and Pete's response? "It's the final test for us, Ellen. You hit the 'go' and then you know." Again with the knowing, Pete, you horny bastard! Ellen yells at Pete for a little bit, and then realises that they're not alone. Oh no, they're not alone.

Endless Mike's all, "Yo, I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by and see if you two were getting it on in my car." Big Pete is mortified. Little Pete is ecstatic that the victim of his time tunnel prank has finally arrivesd. Endless Mike tells Big Pete that his timing with the 'go' button was "tasty," but he's embarrassed at Pete's pathetic attempt at the cocoon of love. Ellen finally realises that Big Pete has been putting the moves on her the whole time. A little slow on the uptake there, Ellen. What did you think you two would be doing lying down in a car at the drive-in while he calls you sugar love and admires your vest? Ellen runs off, distraught, and Endless Mike slips into the front seat, apparently pleased with the way he ruined Big Pete's night.

Now see that, kids? That was some class-A bullying. It's simply not enough to tell the protagonist you're going to beat him up, or threaten him with a balled-up fist and suggest that his face needs rearranging. This was epic. Endless Mike saw an opportunity to destroy Pete's happiness, and by God, he took it. Endless Mike, you are such a legend, I can't even begin to tell you.

It's midnight, which means what, kids? Time tunnel time! Little Pete sets the clock back to eleven PM and the revenge plan goes ahead. He swaps the movie reel with one of Endless Mike's mother's home movies of him when he was a chubby baby, sitting on a potty doing his filthy baby business. Endless Mike, not happy at being ended, flips out and runs around the drive-in, yelling for people to avert their eyes. I'd congratulate Little Pete on his successful plan...if I didn't hate him so much. (And if I didn't love Endless Mike with an endless passion.)

Over the PA system, Little Pete pores his heart out about how unlike Big Pete, he can't forget his brother on such a momentous occasion. Big Pete remembers that tonight is the end of daylight savings, and Little Pete tells him that he has an hour to do something he's always wanted to do. Naturally, that one thing is Ellen. Not in a gross 'go' button way, though. Just in a let's-sort-everything-out-without-the-aid-of-Endless-Mike way.

Big Pete catches up to Ellen in front of her house and tells her that they can live the hour over again thanks to our good friend daylight savings. Ellen's all, "After what you did to me?" and Pete says, "I know." Hey Pete? Not the best choice of word right there, considering. Pete explains that he got lost in fantasies of the future, but he now realises that he just wants to be her friend again like they had been in the past. Aww, a thematic lesson learned. I love Nickelodeon.

Big Pete and Ellen say goodnight to one another with a friendly handshake. Then Ellen kisses him on the cheek. They they make out a little bit. Then Ellen goes inside and the episode ends with absolutely nothing being resolved, goddamnit! I guess Big Pete and Ellen were always meant for will-they-won't-theydom, but still. I need closure.

Meanwhile, Little Pete is riding his bike like the wind away from a crazed Endless Mike. How shit is Endless Mike's car that Pete can evade him on a pushbike? The chase leads him into the central time zone, so technically Little Pete got his wish and went back in time for more than one hour. That's actually a pretty awesome ending, even if it did involve Little Pete.

Recap: Another Round The Twist -- Toy Love

I was actually planning on recapping an episode of Barney the Dinosaur today, but YouTube seems to have, uh, lost it somehow. I don't get how, all I know is that I was watching the first part not long ago, and now it seems to have disappeared. I guess copyright laws strike again. Fuck you, justice system.

New readers, I suggest you catch up by glancing at any other Round the Twist material on this site. (Trust me, there's plenty.) Old readers, please remember that I used to ship Linda and James Gribble Jr. something fierce. Remember that? Do you? Huh? Well, this episode I'm recapping for you today is the episode where THEY GET TOGETHER. Well, kinda. There's a whole supernatural element to it, but they're totally in LUV.

(And by the way, this is the first episode I'm recapping with the new cast in it. Remember all those familiar faces from my previous screencaps? Forget them. They're dead to you now. This gang is way cooler, anyway.)


This episode begins with Bronson picking his nose. He's very into that at the moment, despite the fact that he's like ten years old, and do ten-year-olds still do that? Fay comes downstairs with a box of junk, and declares that they're going to have a big clean-out. Linda appears and reminds us that she's in love with total nerd-burger Anthony.

Backstory time: in previous episodes, Linda found a book called the Viking Book of Love. Every time someone reads a poem from the book out loud, the person they're reading to (or looking at) falls madly in love with them. Anthony read the book to Linda in the hopes of winning her favour last, and it worked a treat.

The kids go out to the front of the lighthouse to see what Fay's thrown out. A couple of Linda's old childhood dolls are sitting on top of the pile, including a Michael Jackson doll. You had better believe that Michael Jackson jokes ensue. (Example: Fay asks what happened to the doll's nose and chin, and Linda replies, "Fell off.") Tony picks up the other doll, a dirty-faced porcelain girl with a pull-string at the back, and reminisces about how annoying her "cuddle me" shriek was. Linda makes a throwaway comment about how she used to turn on her music box to make Veronique go to sleep. But alas, Veronique remains on top of the pile while Linda rescues her Michael doll. This is doll favouritism, folks, and as we'll soon discover, unloved dolls are much like unloved children -- they go batshit nuts. (That wasn't an intentional Michael Jackson joke, but I can see why you'd think that.)

Seriously. No jokes about this.

At school the next day, Gribbs is showing the Viking Book of Love to Tiger and Rabbit. I can't remember how he got the book, but you just know he's going to use it for shenanigans. Rabbit backs away and reminds us of a previous episode when he read a poem to Nell, and she fell in love with him. Tiger's response:

"It was such a beautiful thing -- you're 14, she's 110. She was so hot for
you, and still you wouldn't let her go the French kiss."

Above: proof that Tom Budge was the best Tiger in the history of the show. Rabbit tells Gribbs to be careful, and Gribbs tells him that he's not dumb enough to read one of the poems. I think he means again, because if memory serves, he read it into a mirror and fell in love with himself at one point. Anyway, he spies Linda and decides to make her his patsy. Dirrty! Gribbs, I would've been your patsy anyday.

In class, Mr. Snapper is rambling on about Shakespeare, and Gribbs speaks up and says that he uses way too many words. On account of him being a writer and everything. He tells Snapper that he's really into the Viking Book of Love right now (the identity of which is concealed using wrapping paper) and asks if Linda could read a poem or two out to the class. Of course she does, glaring at Gribbs the whole time, and Gribbs falls in love. Gribbs and Linda. In love! Twelve-year-old Lorelai nearly fell off her seat when she first saw this. Anyway, Snapper confiscates the book, and Gribbs tells her, "Let's not worry about possessions, now that we've found each other."

Back at the lighthouse, Fay and Linda are getting rid of more junk, when who should appear at the door but Gribbs! Linda tells him to get lost, and he thinks it's great that she's not into hoarding. Then he grabs a fake spider off the junk pile and nicks off. Dang, Gribbs, you hot thing. Linda will come around. You know she will.

We have a little music montage where all the Twists bring their junk back into the house. It seems they really are into hoarding after all, Gribbs. They eventually take everything in...except Veronique the unloved doll! She utters a creepy, "Cuddle me," just to let us know that bitch means business.

In the garage, Bronson is fixing a paper plane with the aid of super glue. On his finger. Which he then inserts into his nose in search of booger gold. Like you didn't know that was coming.

That night, Linda is fast asleep in bed next to her creepy Michael doll. Honestly, why are all of Linda's dolls so weird? The weirdest doll I ever had as a child was Shred, a handsome Ken figurine who became disfigured in a freak lawnmower accident. (Number two on my list of Ways Dad Wrecked My Childhood, just behind the incident where he taped over The Little Mermaid with a stupid soccer game.) Anyway, Linda's busy sharing her bed with Michael Jackson, and I'm busy not making jokes about this, when suddenly she hears, "Cuddle me!" Veronique is back, motherfuckers! Linda screams and screams, and when her family finally get their arses into her room, the doll is nowhere to be seen.

The next morning, Bronson comes downstairs with the neck of his jumper sitting just under his eyes, as though he's trying to conceal his nose area. Strange. Oh yeah, his finger's still jammed up there. Jesus, Bronson, see a doctor or something. Fay interrogates the family as to why they brought in all their "unwanted" crap, and when there's a knock at the door, they all jump up to get it. Holy day, it's Gribbs, ready to walk Linda to the bus stop! He's so thoughtful and gorgeous, in a fourteen-year-old kind of way. Linda obliges, because she's totally falling in love with him too.

You can see it in her eyes.

The whole gang is waiting for the bus at the bus stop, and when Linda pulls out her homework to give to Fiona, she finds Veronique in her backpack! Veronique the insane doll! Infiltrating backpacks! Bitch is one pathological toy. This is nightmare-inducing. This is probably how Sid felt in Toy Story when Woody did that spinning head thing and told him to play nice. Not so funny now, is it, kids? This shit happens to nice people, too, apparently, so you'd better start reminding your My Little Ponies how much you love them before they organise a stampede on your arses.

"We'll fuck your shit up."

Tiger and Rabbit give Linda shit for bringing her doll to school, and play a little bit of keepings-off. Gribbs spoils their fun and gives Veronique back to Linda, telling her that she doesn't need to be ashamed of her dolly. Linda maintains that she's not, but just in case, she runs over to the dumpster and throws Veronique in, yelling, "Leave me alone!" The bullies follow her, and Tiger and Rabbit laugh about how Linda's talking to her dolly. Linda runs off, Gribbs hot on her heels, and Tiger and Rabbit decide to fish around in the dumpster for Veronique. But if you think Veronique can't hold her own against two fourteen-year-old bullies, you're dead wrong -- she latches onto Rabbit's face like a crazed cat or something. It's...well, it's kind-of awesome, actually.

See? Awesome.

At home, Tony and Pete are making apple crumble in an attempt to coax Bronson out of his room. It works, and they realise that super glue + nose-picking = not a fun situation. At least Pete gets to do his David Attenborough impression by chronicalling the daily life of the "elephant man."

Linda goes up to her room and finds her Michael doll missing. She is apparently unhappy with this turn of events, if her screaming, "WHERE'S MY MICHAEL DOLL?!!!" is anything to go by. There is a knock on the door, and Linda, thinking it's Veronique, opens it and yells out, "I will not cuddle you!" Of course, it's Gribbs, complete with flowers and chocolate. (As if you couldn't get more appealing, Gribbsy Boy!) Gribbs is disheartened, but maintains that the two of them can work their way up to cuddling. Funny, too. Surely you can't blame adolescent Lorelai for being head-over-heels in love with this dude.

I still am a little bit.

Veronique takes this opportunity to rush in while the door's open. Crafty little doll. Linda's gone full-on crazy now, and this exchange happens:

Linda: Are you sure you didn't bring her back from the recycling bin?
Tony: Fay?
Gribbs: Is Fay getting recycled?
Linda: I bet she's upstairs.
Gribbs: When did she go upstairs?
Tony: I didn't even hear her come home.

Obviously that poses a serious question -- is a porcelain doll really recyclable? Anyway, Linda rushes upstairs, kicks down her own bedroom door for what I must assume is dramatic effect, and finds the place trashed. Gribbs wonders why Fay would trash Linda's room, and Linda tells him that it wasn't Fay, it was Veronique. Gribbs's rather intelligent respose: "That's a pretty small doll to do all this. Maybe if it was a big doll..." Well, it was intelligent for Gribbs. Linda gets the idea to lure Veronique out of hiding...with the music box she so casually mentioned at the start of the episode.

(By the way, I recognise that music box as a Fun N' Fashion one. I had so many of them because my uncle used to be one of the bigwigs at that particular company. I was even featured on the back of one of their packages, the ever popular Make-A-Fashion-Accessory. It's how I can put 'former child model' on my resume and not be lying.)

Downstairs, Pete and Tony are trying to get Bronson's finger out of his nose. It seems my suggestion of TAKING HIM TO A FUCKING DOCTOR has gone largely unnoticed. Instead they're using that whole 'tie a piece of string to the doorknob thing' that kids use in movies and Babysitters Club books to get their loose teeth out. It does not work. Linda and Gribbs come downstairs, and Linda pushes him out the door, muttering something about how great it was walking down the stairs with him. She totally doesn't mean it...yet. Gribbs feels that they're really connecting.

Linda goes up to her room with a hockey stick to finish off Crazy!Doll for good. And boy, is that doll crazy. It's now wearing a completely different expression, which is nigh on impossible for a doll with a painted-on face to do, and her eyes are glowing red. Yeah, red. This doll has managed to be infinitely scarier than all the supposedly badass vampires in Twilight, and it's only been twenty minutes. (In case you're interested, I totally just typo'd that as 'campires'. Best. Typo. Ever.) Linda menacingly tells Veronique to "cuddle my stick, dolly!" which definitely deserves a Dirrty!, don't you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to sleep tonight?

Back at the meeting of the Rhodes Scholars, Tony and Pete finally manage to pull Bronson's finger out of his nose with the aid of olive oil.

As Linda's facing off with Veronique, Bronson walks in with the Michael doll. He claims that he was just trying to fix Michaels' soundbox, but I don't know if I'm going to believe him. Cue the heartfelt music as Michael walks (yes, walks) over to Veronique as she begs him to cuddle her. Because that's what this whole thing's been about -- the love between two inanimate obects, not revenge of one inanimate obects over her former human companion. (Suck it, Chuckie!) All Veronique was looking for was to be Michael's Billie Jean! Naww!

Still not making any jokes about this.

And that's the end of this most historic RTT episode. The next one on the DVD is the conclusion of the Gribbs/Linda (Glinda) love affair, which I'm going to have to watch but won't recap for you...well, not today, anyway.

Ship To Shore -- Tour De Circe

Okay, I fucking LOVED this show. Didn't you? Of course you did; I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask. You loved it because A) you were a city kid with lame parents who wished that you could spend all your time riding bikes with your mates or B) you did go around doing just that and found the Circe Island kids to be way relatable. Either way, there's no way you can tell me that when you hear that music your heart doesn't do a backflip. (That was a weird double negative I can't be bothered editing.)

Quick story: at uni not long ago, I was in a lecture listening to Dr. Looks-Like-Al-Pacino ramble on and on about nothing of interest when suddenly someone's phone rang...and their ringtone was the Ship To Shore theme song. I've never heard more excited whipsers in my life. You could actually see the nostalgia in the room, and for those of you interested, it's yellow. So there you go. Debate settled.

Today's episode is from season two, so it's going to be a good one. I don't know why, but I just assume season two is the best season of most TV shows. They've ironed out the kinks, I've made an emotional connection to the characters, the cast seems to mesh a little better, and it hasn't gotten old yet. And you know what? In most cases, I'm right. I could go ahead knock out a list of TV shows where the second season is the best one (Prison Break, Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Weeds), but that'd take way too much time, and I really want to get on with snarking Ship To Shore.

(Oh, and this recap might not be quite as detailed as the last two, because I'm really tired. Like, zombie tired. After entirely too much vino, I spent last night trying to get to sleep on my friends' floor, freezing cold, with nothing to cover me but my own leather jacket. On the plus side, I've never felt more rock 'n' roll.)



We kick off the episode with two people diving. (I've looked ahead, and it's geeky Gavin and moral Julie.) Gavin's looking at some seals, and Julie gets really mad at this for some reason. I don't know why. Isn't the whole point of going diving to check out the creatures of the deep? I've never been diving, but I don't know what else they'd be down there for. Anyway, they get out of the water and she storms off. Yeah, I don't know. Why was there always an annoying holier-than-thou girl kid in these shows? They might as well have just named he Linda Twist. (Or Ma-Ti).

Hermes Endakis, the island's security chief and all-round baddie of the piece, is in town putting up a flyer for the Tour de Circe. I'm going completely off-topic here, but when I was growing up I always thought it was spelled 'Andarkis', because I was one of those kids who wondered how things were spelled. Anyway, the townspeople are like "What the fuck's up, Endakis with an E?" and he explains that the Dafoe (Defaux? Defeau? I'm going with Willem's spelling 'cause he's awesome) company are sponsoring a bike race around the island. Get it now? Tour de Circe? Kinda like that other bike race in a different country of a similar name? Okay, I think we're all clued in now. The Circe Islanders are all up in arms about this, again for some reason I don't understand. They're just riding some bikes. Their fucking kids do it all the time.

Hermes lets everyone know that Derek (the dopey security guard dude) is going to be their very own pride and joy in the race, and they immediately start training. I remember not liking him very much, so it makes me feel happy to see him in anguish. Because I'm sadistic like that.
Back at the beach, Gavin is hanging out by himself when Jake comes by. I remember absolutely zero about Jake, but for those of you playing at home, he was the nomadic blonde-haired guy who lived on the beach. Remember? Yeah, no bells ringing for me, either. Anyway, he's so boring and pointless that I don't want to snark him anymore. Basically Gavin comes back a couple of times and discovers that Jake used to be in the navy and has a police radio listener-into. (What are those things called? Police band radios? Something like that. I like my non-word better.)

In town, Gavin, Julie and the girl with the round glasses whose name I don't recall are outraged about the bike race. Again, I must ask why. They're fucking BICYCLES! Not cars or motorbikes or anything noisy or pollute-y. Apparently Julie thinks it'll be dangerous to the wildlife, because if the wallabies wander onto the track the riders won't be able to stop in time. Fair point, Julie, but the race is taking place on the road where people drive in their big wallaby-squashing cars all the time! As far as legs go, you and your do-gooder pals don't have one to stand on.

Kelvin (remember him? The redheaded older kid? He was fun) sees this as a money-making scheme. He was always about the money. He and his friend, the unfortunately-named Babe, come up with a scheme to use Hermes's two-way radios to commentate on the bike race for the people on the mainland. For pay, of couse. Or something like that. You know, I remember absolutely nothing about this episode except for Kelvin and his two-way radios. He sells his idea to Dafoe, and now all he has to do is convince Hermes to lend him the two-way radios. Even though I'd say if ever Hermes was actually needed on this island (and usually he's not), this big bike race would probably be his time to shine, security-wise. Moving on now.

Oh, and in case you're wondering which kid hook-up I was hoping for in this TV series, it was Kelvin and Julie. Lord knows why. Now that I'm looking back, clearly he and Babe were a match made in heaven. They're so schemy and maniacal. That, and Julie's a righteous bitch who deserves a life of unhappy spinsterdom followed by a painful death. (See what I mean about the sadism?)

Kelvin's nerdy little sister (Sally? I'm gonna call her Sally) and her nerdy little friend Lou are trying to make some sort of super pet food for hamsters for school. When I was seven, they just made us learn our times tables, but whatever. Oh, and they're doing it in the storage locker of the security base, because the whole thing smells terrible and Sally's mother doesn't want the stench permeating her house. But she's perfectly happy to have it permeate her workplace? 'Kay then.

Julie and Gavin have drawn up a petition, trying to get people to be stupid like them and protest the Tour de Circe. LAME. Half the town are on their side (mostly the adults), and the others, led by Kelvin, heckle Julie. Which I love. Seriously, is Kelvin not the most awesome 90s TV ranga? Actually, both of the last two shows I've recapped have featured awesome rangas (who were the male in the fake relationship in my mind), so that's actually a tough competition to win. Who knew?

Hermes gets drunk with power, as always, and challenges the kids to a bike race. Wait, isn't this whole episode about a -- you know what? It doesn't matter. Just go on with the ridiculousness. Hermes says that if one of the kids (the kid he chooses) can beat Derek in a preliminary bike race, he'll call the whole thing off and they get to save the wallabies or whatever the fuck they're protesting about. Hermes, grow a freakin' brain. For what possible reason would you do that? You already have the permission and the funds to host the bloody bike race, why do you feel the need to gamble it on a bunch of kids? WHY? Start making sense, man!

The kids, who are NOT complete fucktards and DO understand that they have absolutely NOTHING to lose, agree to this. Hermes reminds them that he gets to choose which kid rides. He's like, "I'll take Fatty Fat Fat!" and Gavin is crushed, because he's not much for riding. Huh, that's new. Apparently he doesn't even have a bike and has to borrow one from Jake. Okay, was I just imagining all the bike-riding they used to do? Really?

The town mayor (who I do remember as being on Hermes's side most of the time), gets all mad at Hermes for this, because apparently he has a shred of common sense. And also because Derek has just contracted acute appendicitis. I love the way acute appendicitis always comes up at the worst possible moments in TV shows. It's like, "Well, we need a pretty serious ailment, but we don't want our character to be, like, diseased for the rest of their life. I know! Let's take out the ol' appendix!" Bravo, writers, bravo. Your creativity stuns me.

Kelvin comes up to Hermes and tries to ask him if he can borrow his two-way radio, but Hermes is all broody because he gambled the big race on a smaller race with an overweight pre-teen and now he has no cyclist. Kelvin tells him he has the only solution and gets Hermes into some lycra. Now there are two things wrong with this plan that I can see. Number one, why doesn't Kelvin just do it? Obviously he's a more experienced cyclist than Hermes, and younger too. And number two, I DON'T WANT TO SEE HERMES ENDAKIS WEARING LYCRA! EVER! OH GOD, MY EYES!!



Hermes and Kelvin start their training, but Hermes is pretty bad. Gavin is also training, and he's also pretty bad. Gee. Oh, and Julie and the glasses chick are following him around. How come Julie's allowed to ride her bike around the wallaby-infested town but the out-of-towners aren't? Please die. Seriously, Julie, I want you to be dead now.

While looking for Hermes, Kelvin comes across Sally and Lou in the storage department doing their disgusting pet food experiment. He gets a Great Idea. (Deliberate capitals.) He and Babe use a little reverse psychology to get Hermes to drink the mushy green pet food goo. Ew. And neat. Oh, and Kelvin and Babe have their own secret handshake! That's just an overload of awesome! These two would have such wonderful, scheming little half-black half-ranga children. Seriously. That's a spin-off I'd like to see.

Anyway, this pet food smoothie thing is apparently the spinach to Hermes's Popeye. He automatically becomes a better cyclist! I guess that's an A-plus for Sally and Lou. I do like that neither Kelvin nor Babe are under the impression that this pet food is actually having any physical effect on Hermes whatsoever, though. They get that the transformation's all psychological. That's a nice touch.

Oh, Jake is back. He tells Gavin to get his lawyer mother to dig a little deeper into this Dafoe corporation. That's all the information he offers. Jake, I think there's a reason I don't remember you. Thanks for being a pointless do-nothing lame-o who spends his time chillin' in his beach shack with ten-year-old boys.

Let's just skip to race day before I go back in time and kill Jake with my bare hands. I mean the little Gavin/Hermes race, not the actual Tour de Circe, just to clear things up for you. Gavin rides up to the crease, and as usual, only half the town is on his side. There are boos and cheers and some muffled trash talk. At one point, Kelvin very clearly screams out, "GAVIN YOU LOSER!" and I can't stop laughing. Kelvin, you legend, you. Babe's one lucky gal. ('Cept that her name's Babe.)

Hermes rides up, all super confident that he's going to win the race. He even has a water bottle filled with the pet food! That is awful. Anyway, they race and Hermes wins. Yep, that's it. Oh, and you know why he won, don't you? Because Gavin had to brake suddenly when a wallaby ran straight into his path! BURNED! Irony stings, motherfucker!



Kelvin and Babe are hugging Hermes, which is an inappropriate situation made even less appropriate by the fact that Hermes is wearing awfully tight lycra. Naww, how sad, Gavin and Julie lose. Losers! I'm chock full of sympathy for these little bastards, in case you can't tell.

Later on, the kids are all hanging out at that general store one of their mothers owns. (I'm extremely sketchy on the details with this show, aren't I?) Of course, Kelvin and Babe aren't actually hanging out with Gavin and Julie. They're sitting on opposite ends of the room, because Gavin and Julie have cooties and they know it. Anyway, Gavin's lawyer mother comes in and tells the kids that the race has been cancelled. Kelvin's like, "Whaaa?" and Lawyer Mum explains that she took Jake's advice and dug into the Dafoe payroll, and found out that the senator's nephew works for them. Which is a conflict of interest, apparently, and it's illegal for senators to back their nephews' companies' bike races. Or something. I did Legal Studies all the way up to year twelve, but we never really focused on bike race legalities, so I'm going to have to trust Lawyer Mum on this one. Since she spawned Gavin, I'm not sure I really want to do that. Besides, this is getting a little too Utegate for me. Anyway, Julie, Gavin and the glasses chick are all mighty happy. Kelvin? Not so much.

Back at the security base, Hermes is still downing the pet food. Dude, you can stop now. Kelvin tries to get him to stop, but Hermes is too busy going on about how good victory feels. He actually says, "Today, the bike race -- tomorrow, the Tour de Circe!" Hee! Not if you get accute appendicitis, Endakis. Just as he's taking a swig of the pet food, Sally and Lou come back and scream at Hermes that he shouldn't be drinking it -- it's made up of seaweed, spinach and snails! And puppy dogs' tails! (Just kidding about that last one.) Hermes spits it out and the kids laugh. Very amusing, children. I'm just glad Julie and Gavin weren't around to witness that moment; they'd have a freaking field day.

Oh, and check out the end credits -- that's Peter Jackson, of Lord of the Rings fame, producing. What. A. Show.

That's it for today, peeps. Next time, I brave the noughties for the sake of Lizzie Maguire. Wish me luck!