Monday, March 22, 2010

Did You Know Google Could Do This Shit?

Recently I signed up to Google Analytics, because my Gmail account practically begged me to. I thought it'd be a little bit of fun, you know, working out where all my internet traffic came from, and guess what -- it comes from people looking for something completely different and finding themselves sorely confused. In fact, I was actually surprised that there were more than eight people visiting this blog, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now.

Questions I May Have Solved

abc series of nineties
If my blog solves any riddle, it's ones phrased like this.

escargo tastes like a balloon what movie
This is something I'd type into a search engine, so I'm proud to have answered that one.

on the show lizzie mcguire who is mr pettus
He's the science teacher, and you're welcome, faceless Googler.

what was the show where they were bananas and dressed in pajamas

the one where angelica breaks the lamp rugrats
This, and many other topics like it, are apparently a fairly popular way to gain access to the wonderful world of ABC Not-Just-For-Kids. Following Lucy into the wardobe is another.

do donna and d'shawn get together on beverly hills, 90210

bananas in pyjamas: are they gay

what's that kids show with ranga elvis
I've not yet covered that one, but it's actually Little Elvis Jones and the Truckstoppers. Thank you for reminding me that I must recap that brilliant show at some point in my blogging career.

The Good

lovely blog award hellobrisvegas
Some part of this one actually make sense. That's my Gmail username, and there are awards on my blog. Seems extraordinarily specific, though, and I don't know why anyone else but me would care that much. And, uh, I have actually never received a Lovely Blog Award though, so thanks for rubbing that in, Internet. Oh, and this is the most common search term that leads to my site by far. By far.

Brenda Walsh looser
This one's just funny, whatever the 'looser' part means. Is that how the kids are spelling 'loser' these days, or is it a dig at her sluttiness?

ally mack wears a hat
Yeah she does, baby! I'll even overlook the fact that this person thinks Alex's name is Ally, just because she's a fan of all the hat-wearing.

hermes andarkis
Not only was someone searching for the bad guy from Ship To Shore, they also managed to spell it the way I thought it was always spelled. Holy day!

90210 steve brandon pin-up calendar
It makes my heart happy that people are actually searching for this.

kevin mcallister at twin tower in home alone 2 song
I don't believe I ever accurately answered this one, but I happen to know this one, and it's Darlene Love's "All Alone On Christmas." Now give me a freakin' Lovely Blog Award.

what happened to the decore shampoo ad people
First of all, I don't recall there ever being a mention of Decore shampoo on this website. So there's that. Really, though, I only included this search term because I know exactly what Decore ad this person is talking about, and it's awesome. So, so awesome. Spoiler alert: one of the girls at the start appears to be simulating a sex act on her shampoo bottle.

The Bad

wentworth miller
I'll bet all those people who found my site this way were disappointed. I've mentioned this guy a total of once.

abc movies summer camp red hair
Again, sir, I don't know what you were looking for, but I hope you eventually found it.

brian austin green
No! No, no, no! I do NOT want my blog associated with that man! And why are there still people Googling him?

rugrats betty didi lesbian
Ugh, I can only imagine what sort of cartoon pornography I was interrupting here.

angelica incest rugrats
See above.

when i was younger, i thought high school was going to be like lizzy mcguire, they never studied or had test and had about 30mins between classes. sadly, it is not even close...
Hey kid, Google is not your personal LiveJournal account, okay? I can only imagine this girl was either looking for something very particular and failed epically, or she confused Google with Twitter.

photographic evidence is not enough
If you say so.

gribbs be mine round the twist
Bitch, I will cut you. Gribbs is mine.

it's couscous you uncultured fuck, go play baseball movie
I just don't even know how they got here from that Tourette's rant of a search term.

4 syllable movies from the 90s
Baby's Day Out! Home Alone 2! Cruel Intentions! This is fun and all, but what game are we playing here?

aladdin baddie punishment
I think this is going in a "rugrats betty didi lesbian" kind of direction.

bronson mock bryan ohio
Best. Band name. Ever.

episode recap grabs his ear
Well, maybe if he was a little bit nicer, the episode recap wouldn't have to resort to violence all the time.

i want to fuck lizzie mcguire
Jesus Christ, dude, she's only thirteen.

is there an aptitude test for a clown
I'm not sure, but I hope there's at least some kind of background check.

jane sibbett clothes getting ripped off AND jane sibbett clothes getting ripped off in movie pictures
Apparently Ross's lesbian wife is quite the horndog.

leopop lesbians
I can't even begin to understand this one.

lil deville training bra
Or this one.

parent trap. he'll getcha, you know
Then I suggest locking your doors. "woomera prohibited area"
How a search for a detention centre took someone here is baffling. Google, you are made of failgravy.

there are yellow gunk on my bleeding knee
Unless you're the guy from Sin City, you really ought to seek some sort of medical attention for that. plesure
Come on, dude, this is a site about kids' TV shows!

movie top most best shocking homicide deadly murder rape violation
Goddamnit, what did I just say?!

The Ugly (I think you'll find these all have a common theme)

hypnosis baby
hypnotise a toddler
child hypnotism goes wrong
kid hypnotised as a chicken and eats snails
fanfiction + hypnosis + a baby
hypnosis fuck
hipnosys fuck

Yeah, those search terms happened. "Child hypnotism gone wrong" motherfucking happened. Humanity, in case you're wondering, is doomed. Crazies, step away from the babies!

Oh, and while I was on Google Analytics, I checked out the countries my views were coming from. USA, you're number one, which is something you guys love, yeah? Not sure why I'm so popular in Poland or Saudi Arabia, but I'm pretty stoked that you guys came to visit. North Korea, you ought to know that you don't even feature on the list, whereas South Korea does. Now I'm not telling you guys what to do with your time, but if South Korea's doing it, shouldn't you get on that shit already? Just saying.

I'll have a genuine, non-lazy post for you guys soon, I promise! (Not you, North Korea.)


  1. This makes me laugh. Google is a wonderful, terrible thing.
    Rugrats betty didi lesbian.
    As if we all didn't wonder about that at some point.

  2. How can these search terms be both frightening and hilarious at the same time? What's with all the people searching for ways to hypnotize babies and trying to locate clown aptitude tests?

    USA does indeed like to be number one in everything. But speaking as a citizen and resident of that country, I don't want to be the number one searcher for child pornography, Brian Austin Green, or anything having to do with clowns.

  3. Google analytics. Can't live with 'em...

    "what was the show where they were bananas and dressed in pajamas"

    This made me giggle.

  4. Oh that Decore ad. Man that tune would get stuck in my head for days.

  5. Those are hilarious! (And frightening.)

    Brenda Walsh looser. Hee, hee.

  6. "when i was younger, i thought high school was going to be like lizzy mcguire, they never studied or had test and had about 30mins between classes. sadly, it is not even close... "

    for one thing, lizzie was never in high school, she was in middle school the whole time. because in the movie they were graduating to high school. i guess she didn't understand anything.
    and gordo moved up to high school in an episode once. so there. ha.
    no wonder her hs was never like lizzie.
    and they studied and had tests all the time. she must not have paid very much attention.