Monday, August 16, 2010

"Google, you're completely shit."

Oh yeah, it's Google Analytics day again, also known as "one of the many days Lorelai is lazy and doesn't post an actual proper recap," which are becoming more and more frequent. Don't worry, my recapping days aren't over, not even by a long shot. (In fact, I'm watching Babar on ABC Kids right now!) I've just been really swamped with Real Life lately. God, that Real Life. Anyway.

Some of my favourite search terms are questions. Not the crazy ramblings, not the need for kinky, often scarring pornography. The questions. It's what search engines were created for, right? Ask Jeeves even had the word "ask" right there in the name. And while my humble little blog can't answer all the questions you at home crave the answers to, well heck, I can try.

was heath ledger in round the twist
He was not, no. There are actually a lot of differently worded search tearms asking this question, and the answer to all of them is 'no.'

was maggie wheeler in home alone 2
Nope. Don't know why you'd ask, but nope.

were the new kids on the block ever on sesame street
Good question. I'm not entirely sure. I suppose I could Google it and find out for you, but that's what got us in this mess in the first place, isn't it?

what accent lulu from bananas in pyjamas
Don't know. Maybe somewhere around where you're from, Mr. Broken English.

what do children do in a weekend club
I have no idea.

was the blind piano teacher in 90210 really blind
Uh, yeah. Like Heath Ledger, the blind piano teacher from 90210 gets a lot of love from the Googlers, but this was the only one questioning the authenticitity of her disability. She did seem awfully shifty...

what did madeline's best friend chloe go to hospital in the madeline violin
I remember that Chloe once had a broken arm, so...I think that's what you're asking, but I'm not entirely positive. Just when I think I've got it, bam -- you go and throw 'violin' in there.

what is anatomically incorrect with sebastian in the little mermaid
What an insightful question, friend. Truthfully, I know very little about crustaceans. You might have to ask, like, a scientist or something.

what makes captain planet successful
The level of stupidity inherent in this question differs depending on whether you think this person is referring to Captain Planet the show, or Captain Planet the captain. If it's the latter, well, what an idiot -- there is nothing succesful about Captain Planet the captain. He's not even a real captain! Where's his ship?!

what year did bananas in pyjamas come out
This is just the greatest great to ever great. Unless it's a serious question, in which case, the world is doomed.

who wanted to fuck lizzie mcguire?
Son, please don't use a search engine to try and validate your creepy preteen pining. Google is serious business.

why is antarctica sunny all the time
Um...nope, got nothin'.

Okay, Q&A part over. Now feel free to mindlessly enjoy a bunch of crazy, oft times disturbing, search terms from the people of Teh Internet:

cookie monster snorts cookies t-shirt
If this is a real thing, I want it so hard.

20 years ladyfuk dancing
Yeah, you go, lady! Fuck dancing indeed! It's a pointles pastime, regardless of age!

90210 silver black guy
Seems innocent enough until you begin to really think about it...

90s kids shows with kids who sang songs
Let me think for a min-- oh yeah, that's right, it was every 90s kids show ever.

ariel and manta, fanfiction
Like Silver and DeShawn up there, this one gets creepier with thought.

nickelodeon pierced contest 90s
Is this an actual thing they did? I really want to know how one judges a pierced contest.

1990s show man singing in woods
That was your nightmares.

abc not just for kids lorelai dumb-ass
Wow, hey thanks, man! That's...yeah. No, I feel really good about myself now. It's probably the person who took great offence to the fact that I failed to recognise Shrek as being a Dreamworks movie that one time.

bomb 1 leg country
Is this a threat? Because I don't take kindly to threats I don't understand.

camping school toilet shovel
I really like the idea that there's such a thing as a "camping school." Or, for that matter, a "toilet shovel."

captain planet douchebag
Try saying that to his face.

dad fuck ariel the mermaid
Does not compute.

did the alphaquest song make anyone cry
I...well, truth be told, I have no evidence either confirming or debunking that myth.

dirt, ice-cream
Don't confuse 'em.

disney channel veronica saddle club who is this terrible girl
The idea that someone was so horrified by Veronica DiAngelo that they took to Google to provide answers actually makes me laugh.

fear the bananas in pyjamas
...for they will one day be your masters.

fanfiction appendicitis
Why do I predict this will end with a story about waking up in a bathtub full of ice feeling slightly lighter on your right side?

fic verminous scumm
Verminous Skumm fanfiction? Really? Of all the...really?

fuck my kid hard little girl
Nope, not happening, Google.

google, you're completely shit
Yeah, that's right. The title of my blog post is an actual search term.

hermes andarkis picture AND hermes endakis photo
One question: why?

ian ziering hairline
It will never escape him.

jane sibbet bra; jane sibbet dressed ripped AND jane sibbet rape of a tourist
Jane Sibbet, for the love of God, tone it down! I thought we talked about this last time!

leonardo dicaprio in saddle club
People: Veronica may have resembed him, but Leo DiCaprio himself never guest-starred on The Saddle Club. The crazy amount of search terms relating to this blew my mind.

lizzie mcguire, gordo fuck
No, actually, I don't think they ever did that.

lizzy wet the bed
Suddenly Lizzy regrets teaching her mother how to use the Internet.

octopus fucks mermaid
Oh hey, sea creature porn. At least we know there can't be anything more sick than that today--

rugrats all grown up incest

say no to bomb for kids
Oh, faulty syntax. I don't understand! Are we against bombing the kids or giving the kids bombs? Because I have vastly different opinions on both those topics.

stevie from the saddle club and how to act like her
It's a two-step process: bend over, insert stick.

sunny lane saddle face sit
Random words do not an acceptable Google search term make.

the fish wants to squish drugs
Considering all the octopus fucking and mermaid incest I now know goes on under the sea, I'm not surprised you'd want to take at least some control back. No hope with dope, Random Vigilante Fish!

the swan princess rothbart rape?
I gotta say, the question mark really throws me. What seems like yet another cry for oddly specific cartoon porn could actually be a legitimate, innocent question...or at least, words sort-of resembling a sentence...if you squint.

tiffani thiessen/hand amputee
Two phrases you just wouldn't think anyone would Google together.

ughhnnnnhioj,,../l,c, c
You're just not trying anymore, Google Analytics.


  1. The blind piano teacher from 90210 is getting Googled? Like, more than once? I LOVE PEOPLE.

    p.s. I'm totally going to Google "tiffani thiessen/hand amputee" right now.

  2. That chick (Hillary Duff?) from Lizzie McGuire just got married, so whomever asked that particular question will probably be quite sad to find that out.