Your blogger is back from a month-long vacation
Oh please, no need for a standing ovation!
Why, you may ask, is the blog post in rhyme?
Because today's show is none other than...Madeline!
As we all know, dear Madeline thrived in the ninteties.
...Her day-to-day life chronicled so fine-ties.
Oh goodness, poor Lorelai's struggling already
To keep up the rhyming pace nice and steady.
In her defence, it's but two in the morning
And she's killing time, but not to watch tomorrow's dawning.
The Boston Red Sox are live on TV
But it's hard when you live in Australia, you see.
Enough with this tangent, the subject I'm morphin'.
Let's get on with recapping this redheaded orphan.
In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines.
Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines.
The smallest one was Madeline.
She was the only one who wouldn't sit still
Much to the chagrin of poor Miss Clavel.
(By the way, why on earth do they all call her 'Miss'
When a nun should be Sister, or even just Sis?
My high school principal was a nun so I really should know
Considering how many times in her office my face I did show.)
At dinner Madeline pretends to choke on her bread
Because it's always so funny to pretend to be dead.
Perhaps it's foreshadowing what is to come
Since Madeline is headed for operating theatre number one.
The girls then brushs their teeth and go to bed
To prepare for another day of walking-in-two-straight-lines ahead.
(That shit can be very tiring, as truly
It takes far less effort to be bad and unruly.)
But as soon as Miss Clavel leaves for the night,
Madeline initiates a pillow fight.
God, she would be like the worst roommate ever.
You'd never get to sleep -- like seriously, never.
Madeline scares the girls with shadow puppets
And they all fall for it, the silly little muppets.
Chloe and Danielle are particlarly frightened,
and wow, I still remember their names -- how enlightened!
Madeline grabs a bedspring and begins to push it.
Apparently she is not done with tonight's round of bullshit.
None of the girls fall for it again, though
They believe they've outsmarted their redheaded foe.
The next day the girls go out for a walk around
To see what's going on in old Paris town.
(Remember how we're in Paris? Well, if you forget
There's a flag on the Eiffel Tower -- just like real life, I bet.)
Madeline does some more borderline attention-seeking crap.
Like she only really has personality compared to the other boring saps.
The girls are thoroughly amused by a clown
But when they see a robber they give him a frown.
Never mind that he's a fucking robber, and you'd think they would flee
I think we're seeing some of Miss Clavel's sadistic personality.
Suddenly it's snowing, though it wasn't before
Has time gone forward or something? I'm really not sure.
They pass by a soldier with some kind of war wound
And to cheer him they present him with their ballons.
I'm sure that made up for all the horror's he's seen
Like, "Screw PTSD; twelve balloons from preteens!"
Madeline runs rampant in the park the next day.
Poor Miss Clavel doesn't know what to say.
Apparently "stop fucking doing that," will not do.
Although come to think of it, that's probably not God-approved.
Miss Clavel actually has to carry her home.
I feel sorry for her walking partner, always alone.
In the kitchen, Madeline plays with some mice.
Nobody thinks to warn her about diseases or anything, they're just all, "How nice!"
Methinks Miss Clavel is hoping our little adventurer
Will end up with some sort of Parisian cholera.
Madeline decides to sing a ditty admitting
How her attempts to scare Miss Clavel aren't so unwitting.
Wow, Maddie dearest, you really are swell
Deliberately frightening poor Miss Clavel.
You'd think she'd show some respect to a freakin' nun
But every chance she takes, Maddie goes on the run.
Like I get that she's adventurous and spunky and brave
But she's sending her teacher to an early grave.
The next day on the girls' compulsory walk,
Madeline is feeling too unwell to talk
Too unwell to skip or jump or run or play
Why, she's just like all the other orphans today!
Everyone's all, "Gosh, Madeline, what the heck's happened to ya?
How are we all supposed to live vicariously through ya?
It's like you're in time-out, but of your own free will!"
Still, nobody thinks the young lass could be ill.
Madeline goes and spreads whatever vermin disease she has with the ducks.
Am I being too harsh? You can tell me, but I kind-of won't give a fuck.
(That rhyme was necessary; by poem laws I obided.
The second I saw the ducks, basically, was when I decided.)
At dinner Madeline doesn't eat her bread
She just gives it to the mice instead.
Surely that will only make the rodents spread.
And so it happens in the middle of the night
Miss Clavel gets her "feeling" that something isn't right.
Of course, why just say it and move right along
When you can immortalise it with a catchy song?
Miss Clavel adorns herself with her robes and her habit
Because whatever that "something" is, it can wait till she's dressed, dagnabbit!
(By the way, anybody remember the live-action movie?
Even young Lorelai didn't find that one too groovy.
My first experience of Frances McDormand; I hadn't seen Fargo.
Thanks to a mother-imposed grown-up movie embargo.)
She rushes into the girls room; Madeline's looking unwell.
Though I notice none of the girls thought to alert Miss Clavel.
Some doctor comes, and get this -- the dude rides a bike
I think a car would be more appropriate, but no, whatever you like.
He disangoses poor Maddie with a ruptured appendix
Then carries her away to the hospital, quick sticks!
Gosh, I hope his bike has some sort of basket
Or Madeline's journey home may be in a casket.
The girls think Madeline's dying; they're going through hell!
Don't correct them or anything, will you, Miss Clavel.
The next morning, Madeline ain't in her bed.
She's still at the hospital, or possibly dead.
Chloe starts crying for Maddie lost appendix.
Um...excuse me while I think of a way to casually bring up Jimi Hendrix.
(That wasn't it, I know.)
"But what's an appendix?" Danielle asks her peers
Nicole says it's a head thing -- that does not quell their fears.
Danielle is afraid that Madeline will return
With a hole in her head, but soon they all learn
That an appendix is...well, I don't know, something lame
And Madeline will soon be returning again.
Hopefully this excercise is not one in futility.
And someone finally diagnoses her ADHD.
In the hospital, Madeline is well on the mend.
Her appendix is gone, so the brat's back again.
It's a rather good thing Maddie's well and alive
Since without her the rest of the girls can't survive.
Like, seriously, you should see their daily routine
Without the assistance of their ginger queen.
They frown at the clown and smile at the robber
Did he...did he get away last time or something? Stupid copper.
But honestly, this goes beyond simple devotion
Without Madeline, they don't understand human emotion.
Dear Miss Clavel is positively brokenhearted
To discover her orphans are borderline retarded.
Back at home the girls brush their bread and break their teeth
Surely this is much more than the side effect of grief!
In the hospital, it seems our friend Madeline is bored
She harrasses the nurses, and they're all, "Good lord!
A girl who likes tigers and snowmen and mice!
From a girl so, so young -- why, this will not suffice!"
Ten scant days later, on a morning quite fine,
Miss Clavel tells the girls, "Let's visit Madeline!"
I kind-of love how they didn't visit her sooner
Specially considering they thought she had some kind of tumor.
The girls all hop aboard a minibus, and
Sing about the fun times they all once had
They're singing and dancing like Madeline's gone
To the great big Lourve in the sky, oh-hohn-hohn.
(Yes, I rhymed the French laugh, so believe all the hype
What a commitment I have to my French stereotypes!)
The girls stop on the way to buy Maddie a gift.
Hopefully to smooth out the "We kinda just left you in the hospital for a week and a half by yourself without so much as a visit" rift.
But when they arrive at the hospital, they
Were far more surprised than I can say.
It seemed at first like Santa had come, but rather,
She'd just gotten a shitload of toys from her deadbeet father.
Because nothing says, "Hey darling, please don't be sad,"
Like some store-bought love from an absentee dad.
The best gift of all, Madeline thought, by far,
Was given to her by the surgeons -- her scar!
She thinks that this scar makes her suddenly above it,
So naturally she has to make a production of it.
She sings, she dances, while her scar she's barin'.
Imagine how much fun she'll have with a cesarian!
The girl are impressed, and when they return home
They break out the markers and draw scars of their own.
One of the dafter girls draws herself a 'B'
Gah, I hope that ink's not on there permanently!
The girls go to bed and say their goodnights
As a ragged Miss Clavel turns out all the lights
Making sure they are sleeping, she closes the door
And that's all there is, there isn't any more.
...
Truly, you guys, this is just how it ends
With dear old scarred Madeline away from her friends
You'd think they'd have shown us her joyous return
I guess a little isolation's the only way she will learn
That she has an unhealthy need for attention
Her personality problems? Too many to mention.
I must end this blog post, before I go crazy.
Have I proven to you that I'm not all that lazy?
Though now that I've finally put pen to paper
I can see I'm appaling at this rhyming caper.
Like 'puppets' with 'muppets? What the hell was I thinking?
I can assure you in my absense I have not started drinking.
So see you all later, see you next time
Hopefully by then I will have stopped speaking in rhyme.
*Sighs* This is just...I'm sorry. Note to self: ignore any early-morning blogging urges from now on, and stick to the daylight hours.
Showing posts with label cartoon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cartoon. Show all posts
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Rugrats: The Trial
Big thanks to AngelicaPicklesFan19, who's posted a whole host of Rugrats eps on the 'Tube, including this one.
The episode begins with a close-up of Mr. Fluffles, Tommy's clown lamp. Quick story -- when I was really young, I had a clown lamp too. It wasn't anywhere near that cool, though. It was more like a regular lamp with a ceramic clown on the base, playing a violin. I know most kids are scared of clowns, but clearly I never was, and I guess neither was Tommy.
Didi and Betty are hanging out in the kitchen when they hear a crash. It's Tommy's clown lamp, shattered into a billion pieces on the floor. Oh noes! Tommy starts bawling his eyes out, because Mr. Fluffles obviously means a lot to him. Angelica walks into the room, innocently saying she was taking her nap and hear a loud noise. So really, right from the start it's pretty clear that Angelica broke the lamp. Technically she's only four, so she's got a few years to hone her lying skills before she turns into a full-on Jessica Wakefieldesque sociopath. (She's well on her way, though.)
Betty tells Didi that she saw a similar lamp at Babyworld, and the adults go off to call them and see if they have any in stock. In the playpen, Tommy is mourning the loss of Mr. Fluffles. He even screams, "Why my lamp, why?!" I doubt I'd have been quite that cut up if my lamp had met a similar fate, but poor ol' Tommy is really taking this to heart. Angelica suggests that one of them broke the lamp, and they ought to have a trial to determine which baby did it. Hee. Angelica turning the babies against each other over a crime she committed is really, really low. This is so beyond regular toddler bullying right now.
Angelica teaches the babies all the court lingo they'll need to know. Tommy gets to be the judge, complete with his very own "gravel." Angelica gets the be the "persecutor", because she is the oldest and therefore the wisest. Oh, and a whole bunch of teddy bears get to be the "jerky." Handing down the verdict is kind-of a big job to give to a bunch of bears, but hey, this isn't my court. Phil demands to know why he can't be the persecutor, and Angelica's like, "Quiet, or I'll make you the jerky!" I do notice that they're missing a bailiff. Where's Byrd from Judge Judy where you need him?
The first thing Angelica does in her role of persecutor is to call Phil and Lil to the stand. She asks them, "Do you swear to tell Ruth, the whole Ruth and nothing but the Ruth so help you Bob?" I don't know about anyone else, but to this day I stil say, "so help you Bob." It's just funny. Anyhoo, Phil and Lil tell their story -- they were playing Ring Around The Rosy around the lamp, then ran off just before it crashed.
Angelica is not conviced. She accuses Phil and Lil of knocking the lamp over in their dizzy state before running away. Lil admits that she did bump into it, but it didn't fall down. I'd just like to take this time to point out that it's probably not the best parenting idea to leave a giant unstable glass lamp in the middle of the room full of small children. Had Lil actually knocked it over, I daresay Mr. Fluffles would've been responsible for a few trips to the emergency room.
While Phil and Lil sit there all ashamed-like, Angelica decides that perhaps they didn't do it...despite the fact that Lil just admitted to bumping into the lamp right before it broke. The fact that Angelica has already caused a lot of heartache and suspicion among friends yet still wants to continue this game is really shocking. The girl has problems. She turns her attention to Chuckie, who begins his story.
Chuckie says that he was in the corner, playing with blocks, while watching Phil and Lil play Ring Around The Rosy. He claims that he didn't want to join in because it "looked kinda dangerous." And for the first time, Chuckie actually has the right to be cautious. They're spinning around right next to a frickin' glass clown lamp, for God's sakes! Seriously, what parent would think that's harmless? Anyway, Chuckie says that a giant bunny rabbit suddenly appeared behind him, and he hid under the couch to get away from it. Because Chuckie is Donnie Darko. Yeah.
Persecutor Angelica states that Chuckie must be the "poopetrator." Despite the fact that his alibi involved seeing a giant rabbit monster, Angelica doesn't try to nitpick this. Instead, she accuses him of deliberately knocking over the clown lamp. After all, Chuckie is afraid of clowns, is he not? Chuckie tearfully admits that he did want to break the clown lamp, on account of it being so scary and all. Angelica's all victorious, until Chuckie says that he only ever thought about breaking the lamp, and that he didn't actually do it. Still, though, admitting his intent to do away with Mr. Fluffles couldn't have been good for his case. If I was on the jerky, I'd definitely be thinking that the future doesn't look so bright for the short-sighted, clown-hating, monster-witnessing ranga.
Angelica calls bullshit on Chuckie's story, but Tommy firmly states that, "if Chuckie said he didn't broked the lamp, then he didn't broked the lamp." Aww. Let's hope Tommy doesn't grow up to be a judge, though, because I don't think that kind of reasoning is exactly smiled upon in real courts of law.
Just then, Tommy has a brainwave. Hadn't Angelica already taken a nap before she came over? And if she was sleeping, how did she know that Lil bumped the lamp after Ring Around The Rosy? And, in Chuckie's words, "how do you know all the other stuff you knowed?" Angelica finally admits that she broke the lamp, and breaks out into a spontaneous confession:
Angelica was looking for a crayon so that she could write on the walls and blame Tommy. (Example of sociopathy #137.) She went into the living room, and got mad that Phil and Lil were playing a game and didn't invite her. Because...she's such good company? So she found Tommy's bunny rabbit mask and used it to scare Chuckie away. She looked up at the lamp and decided that it looked stupid and must die. Um, wow. Apparently she didn't like it's stupid smile. She says, "I decided to make sure it'd never smile again." Again, wow. That's just...wow. I always pretty much knew that Angelica was a mean girl when I was younger, but she seems be presenting signs of some sort of personality disorder. After all, she just murdered an innocent clown lamp for no reason whatsoever, then took pleasure in turning a bunch of babies against each other by accusing them of a crime none of them committed.
Back to the present. Tommy is crushed that his older cousin broke his favourite lamp. I can't relate, because my older cousins were the best. And also, they weren't psychotic. Anyway, Angelica starts boasting that yeah, she broke the lamp, "and if I had the chance, I'd do it again." Kinda like a serial killer. She taunts the babies about how she's going to get away with it, "because you can't talk!" Just then, Didi screams her name. She and Betty have been standing behind Angelica the whole time she was confessing. Heh. Suck it, Angelica.
Didi grabs Angelica and drags her off to the kitchen, and the babies wonder if she'll go to jail. Just then, they hear Angelica scream out, "No! Not the chair!" as Did locks her into the high chair. The lesson here, for your 411, is to always make sure that you're not in the company of adults when confessing, and that the punishment for clown lamp murder in the Pickles household is the chair....the high chair. Tommy says, "I guess the persecutor is the poopetrator this time!" and all is well in Rugrats-land once more.
The episode begins with a close-up of Mr. Fluffles, Tommy's clown lamp. Quick story -- when I was really young, I had a clown lamp too. It wasn't anywhere near that cool, though. It was more like a regular lamp with a ceramic clown on the base, playing a violin. I know most kids are scared of clowns, but clearly I never was, and I guess neither was Tommy.
Didi and Betty are hanging out in the kitchen when they hear a crash. It's Tommy's clown lamp, shattered into a billion pieces on the floor. Oh noes! Tommy starts bawling his eyes out, because Mr. Fluffles obviously means a lot to him. Angelica walks into the room, innocently saying she was taking her nap and hear a loud noise. So really, right from the start it's pretty clear that Angelica broke the lamp. Technically she's only four, so she's got a few years to hone her lying skills before she turns into a full-on Jessica Wakefieldesque sociopath. (She's well on her way, though.)
Betty tells Didi that she saw a similar lamp at Babyworld, and the adults go off to call them and see if they have any in stock. In the playpen, Tommy is mourning the loss of Mr. Fluffles. He even screams, "Why my lamp, why?!" I doubt I'd have been quite that cut up if my lamp had met a similar fate, but poor ol' Tommy is really taking this to heart. Angelica suggests that one of them broke the lamp, and they ought to have a trial to determine which baby did it. Hee. Angelica turning the babies against each other over a crime she committed is really, really low. This is so beyond regular toddler bullying right now.
Angelica teaches the babies all the court lingo they'll need to know. Tommy gets to be the judge, complete with his very own "gravel." Angelica gets the be the "persecutor", because she is the oldest and therefore the wisest. Oh, and a whole bunch of teddy bears get to be the "jerky." Handing down the verdict is kind-of a big job to give to a bunch of bears, but hey, this isn't my court. Phil demands to know why he can't be the persecutor, and Angelica's like, "Quiet, or I'll make you the jerky!" I do notice that they're missing a bailiff. Where's Byrd from Judge Judy where you need him?
The first thing Angelica does in her role of persecutor is to call Phil and Lil to the stand. She asks them, "Do you swear to tell Ruth, the whole Ruth and nothing but the Ruth so help you Bob?" I don't know about anyone else, but to this day I stil say, "so help you Bob." It's just funny. Anyhoo, Phil and Lil tell their story -- they were playing Ring Around The Rosy around the lamp, then ran off just before it crashed.
Angelica is not conviced. She accuses Phil and Lil of knocking the lamp over in their dizzy state before running away. Lil admits that she did bump into it, but it didn't fall down. I'd just like to take this time to point out that it's probably not the best parenting idea to leave a giant unstable glass lamp in the middle of the room full of small children. Had Lil actually knocked it over, I daresay Mr. Fluffles would've been responsible for a few trips to the emergency room.
While Phil and Lil sit there all ashamed-like, Angelica decides that perhaps they didn't do it...despite the fact that Lil just admitted to bumping into the lamp right before it broke. The fact that Angelica has already caused a lot of heartache and suspicion among friends yet still wants to continue this game is really shocking. The girl has problems. She turns her attention to Chuckie, who begins his story.
Chuckie says that he was in the corner, playing with blocks, while watching Phil and Lil play Ring Around The Rosy. He claims that he didn't want to join in because it "looked kinda dangerous." And for the first time, Chuckie actually has the right to be cautious. They're spinning around right next to a frickin' glass clown lamp, for God's sakes! Seriously, what parent would think that's harmless? Anyway, Chuckie says that a giant bunny rabbit suddenly appeared behind him, and he hid under the couch to get away from it. Because Chuckie is Donnie Darko. Yeah.
Persecutor Angelica states that Chuckie must be the "poopetrator." Despite the fact that his alibi involved seeing a giant rabbit monster, Angelica doesn't try to nitpick this. Instead, she accuses him of deliberately knocking over the clown lamp. After all, Chuckie is afraid of clowns, is he not? Chuckie tearfully admits that he did want to break the clown lamp, on account of it being so scary and all. Angelica's all victorious, until Chuckie says that he only ever thought about breaking the lamp, and that he didn't actually do it. Still, though, admitting his intent to do away with Mr. Fluffles couldn't have been good for his case. If I was on the jerky, I'd definitely be thinking that the future doesn't look so bright for the short-sighted, clown-hating, monster-witnessing ranga.
Angelica calls bullshit on Chuckie's story, but Tommy firmly states that, "if Chuckie said he didn't broked the lamp, then he didn't broked the lamp." Aww. Let's hope Tommy doesn't grow up to be a judge, though, because I don't think that kind of reasoning is exactly smiled upon in real courts of law.
Just then, Tommy has a brainwave. Hadn't Angelica already taken a nap before she came over? And if she was sleeping, how did she know that Lil bumped the lamp after Ring Around The Rosy? And, in Chuckie's words, "how do you know all the other stuff you knowed?" Angelica finally admits that she broke the lamp, and breaks out into a spontaneous confession:
Angelica was looking for a crayon so that she could write on the walls and blame Tommy. (Example of sociopathy #137.) She went into the living room, and got mad that Phil and Lil were playing a game and didn't invite her. Because...she's such good company? So she found Tommy's bunny rabbit mask and used it to scare Chuckie away. She looked up at the lamp and decided that it looked stupid and must die. Um, wow. Apparently she didn't like it's stupid smile. She says, "I decided to make sure it'd never smile again." Again, wow. That's just...wow. I always pretty much knew that Angelica was a mean girl when I was younger, but she seems be presenting signs of some sort of personality disorder. After all, she just murdered an innocent clown lamp for no reason whatsoever, then took pleasure in turning a bunch of babies against each other by accusing them of a crime none of them committed.
Back to the present. Tommy is crushed that his older cousin broke his favourite lamp. I can't relate, because my older cousins were the best. And also, they weren't psychotic. Anyway, Angelica starts boasting that yeah, she broke the lamp, "and if I had the chance, I'd do it again." Kinda like a serial killer. She taunts the babies about how she's going to get away with it, "because you can't talk!" Just then, Didi screams her name. She and Betty have been standing behind Angelica the whole time she was confessing. Heh. Suck it, Angelica.
Didi grabs Angelica and drags her off to the kitchen, and the babies wonder if she'll go to jail. Just then, they hear Angelica scream out, "No! Not the chair!" as Did locks her into the high chair. The lesson here, for your 411, is to always make sure that you're not in the company of adults when confessing, and that the punishment for clown lamp murder in the Pickles household is the chair....the high chair. Tommy says, "I guess the persecutor is the poopetrator this time!" and all is well in Rugrats-land once more.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Captain Planet: Mind Pollution
Episode recap here! Yay! I'm timely like that. Actually, I'm just really eager today because I discovered that someone actually read my Round The Twist recap. I know, I'm shocked too. I just assumed this blog would go completely ignored, so it was kind-of a nice surprise. Also, I'm in a really good mood because I just finished a scrumptious schnitzel sandwich...and my schnitzel was shaped like the state of Massachusetts. (Boston is my favourite place in the world. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the Dropkick Murphys. And The Departed. Go figure.)
This particular episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is not about pollution. (Gasp shock horror and et cetera.) It's about drugs. Drugs, in case you're wondering, are bad, and they piss Captain Planet and his Planeteers off something fierce. This episode is available to watch on YouTube, or you could just watch them here. See how I've embedded them into this post for your convenience? I'm thoughtful that way.
Whoever posted this video did NOT include the awesome-upon-awesome theme song, but since they bothered to upload my daily dose of nineties nostalgia in the first place, I won't hold it against them. Besides, who doesn't remember it? "Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" And so on and so forth. Also, did you know that the Planeteer rappy bit ("We're the Planeteers, you can be one too," etc.) in the New Adventures series was written by one of the B-52s? That is wicked. Just plain wicked. Without the intro, I can't tell if it's the original series or New Adventures. I could probably look it up somewhere, but I'm not going to, so don't hold your breath.
The episode begins at the White House. Has Captain Planet been elected president? Looks like not. A blonde-haired kid is running through the streets of Washington, and he looks a bit like Wheeler. Ever notice that all the white guys in this cartoon look like Wheeler? I think the reason Ted Turner decided to make the Planeteers racially diverse is so we can tell them apart. Anyway, Verminous Skumm (remember him?) approaches the blonde kid and, um, sells him drugs. That's really the only way to put it. He sells the blonde haired kid some sort of pill, and the blonde kid gets high. Um, yeah. Then for some reason, the kid almost gets hit by a bus, falls over, hits his head, and starts laughing. Dude's high as a kite. Wow. I do not remember Captain Planet being this heavy.
(Side note: according to Wikipedia, Captain Planet actually did an episode dealing with HIV/AIDS, which I guess is forward-thinking but seems a little inappropriate. Kids don't know what AIDS is. They don't particularly care, either. When I was growing up, they mentioned AIDS in passing in an I Hate Fridays book, and for years I thought it was just a regular illness on par with strepthroat or chicken pox.)
At Planeteer HQ (which, inexplicably, is a paradise island of some sort), the gang is checking out their jet to make sure everything's working. Linka has a checklist, because she's in charge. Linka was totally my favourite growing up. Back then, I didn't know what a communist was, or that she was one. Simpler times, my friends, simpler times. Linka tells Wheeler to make sure that the bolts underneath the jet won't loosen up upon take-off, and he says, "I know someone who could use a little loosening up." Dirrty! I know what he means, but it still calls for a Dirrty!! Another random fact -- I always wanted Linka and Wheeler to hook up, or as we called it back then, like like each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because even at a young age, I couldn't watch a show without wanting two of the characters to get together. I skipped that boys-are-icky phase in a big way, in case you can't tell.
Apparently, the Planeteers are taking a vacation. Weren't they just on an island? Anyway, Linka's excited about visiting her uncle in the Soviet Union. Hee! This must be from the first Captain Planet series, then, because in the New Adventures they changed her origin to the rather vague 'Eastern Europe.' In case the name 'Russia' didn't stick, I suppose.
Linka tells us her cousin Boris is charming, which is a bit of a weird way to describe one's cousin, but okay. They drop Linka off in the Soviet Union (what a short plane ride) and she rushes straight to her uncle Dimitri's house. He answers the door in a bathrobe and hugs Linka for an uncomfortably long time. So that's how it is in their family. Dimitri calls charming Boris downstairs -- and he's in a robe too! The only thing I can think is that it must be really early in the morning. But ruh-roh, it seems that Boris is not his usual charming self. He's all tired and dishevelled, which means what, children. Boris is on THE DRUGS. At first sight, I actually thought Boris was the blonde kid from the start, but I seem to recall a high-school geography lesson where I learned that Washington is not in the Soviet Union.
Sure enough, Boris goes upstairs and takes the same generic-looking drug the blonde kid took. It's kind of sparkly, and it makes that cartoon noise all shimmery things make, sort of a swooshing noise. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but making drugs out to be sparkly and special? Doesn't sell 'wrong' to me. Sparkly usually equals cool and must-have. In my Captain Planet-watching days, I was obsessed with anything sparkly. I'm wearing a sparkly T-shirt right now. Anyway.
Dimitri tells Linka that Boris has been acting strange recently, and begs her to try and get to the bottom of it. That's some good parenting right there. Boris enters in a radical skull T-shirt and sunglasses, because only druggies wear skull T-shirts and sunglasses! Linka notices that he has a cut on his head. Oh snap, Boris is the blonde kid from the start of the episode! He got that cut by smacking his head on the pavement! He doesn't tell Linda this, though, or offers me an explanation as to why he was in Washington at the start of the episode. Linka tries to put some alcohol on his cut, and Boris knocks the bottle onto the stove, causing it to explode and engulf the kitchen in flames. See kids, this is why you don't take THE DRUGS. Linka manages to put out the fire using her wind ring and some baking soda. Right. You know, Linka's time would be better spent working as a firefighter. She might actually do some good, instead of traipsing around the world on her neverending attempt to stop global warming or whatev. Plus, we now know she'd kick Wheeler's arse in a fight.
Linka and Boris are riding bikes to the Russian cafe. Wait, aren't we...isn't this...you know what? I think I've missed something. Perhaps they're not in the Soviet Union after all. Let me just go back and check...yep, okay, they're in Washington. Linka said before that she's going to visit her uncle at the Soviet Embassy in Washington. My bad. I just heard 'Soviet' and then let my mind wander. I do that sometimes. Sorry.
Amway, they're riding their bikes to the Russian cafe, and Boris keeps stopping to catch his breath. Another reason why THE DRUGS are bad, y'all -- no more bike-riding. Oh, and the skull on Boris's T-shirt is wearing a party hat, which doesn't scream 'badass' to me. Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, I don't know. Boris is all like, "How the hell did you manage to put out that fire with your ring?" and she gives him a really vague explanation of the whole protecting-the-earth business. Boris says that if she lets him try it sometime he'll give her one of his pills. She's like, "Hells no, not on my watch!" and tries to take the bag of pills from him. They struggle and the bag breaks, spilling the pills down the drain. Hee, they're making that shimmery noise again! Maybe they're magic pills!
Boris calls Linka a stupid cow, and I laugh. That's kind-of harsh for a cartoon. Anyway, Boris rides away and meets up with Verminous Skumm again, saying he needs more bliss. Wow, it even sounds pretty. Worst anti-drugs campaign ever. Skumm tells him that the price has increased. Since Boris doesn't have enough money, he offers to give Skumm Linka's magic ring in exchange for THE DRUGS. What a dumb idea -- if he's going to go home to steal Linka's ring, why doesn't he just walk into his father's bedroom and steal some money? Thievery's thievery, you know? Anyway, Skumm works out that he's talking about Linka, and tells Boris that if he brings Linka, Scumm will give him all the bliss he could ever need. Boris tells him to fuck off. Yeah, go Boris!
Linka returns to her uncle's house, but he's gone to the embassy. Linka turns on the TV in time to see a news report about a group of vandals who were apparently high on bliss trashing some building or other. How they could possibly know what drug they were on when no one's been caught yet is baffling, but okay. Boris walks through the door, and Linka says, "Oh Boris, I was afraid you were in that blissed-out mob!" Direct quote. I'm so calling them that from now on. Boris gives her some lie about how he knows THE DRUGS are bad now, and Linka believes him...despite the fact that he's holding a shitload of bliss behind his back. And you can imagine how much shimmery noise it's making. Boris, you suck. I can't believe you would sell your cousin to a drug-dealing half-man half-rat. That's just not done in polite society. He gives Linka something to eat, and it's so obvious that he's roofied it that I'm about to scream.
Back on Planeteer Island, the remaining four Planeteers have returned from their boring, non drug-related vacations. Apparently there was some mix-up and none of them picked up Linka. What great friends. They get worried because nobody's heard from her, and suddenly Gaia the Earth Mother appears and takes them to her Crystal Chamber...which, if you'll recall, is a cave with a control panel type thing that a giant screen in the centre. She shows the gang all the destruction that the blissed-out mob (that will never stop sounding ridiculous) has been doing in Washington, and this exchange made me laugh so hard, I had to quote it for you outright:
Yes, thank you, Wheeler, for reminding us that you're the complete embodiment of an American pig. And thank you, Gaia, for reminding us that you're a preachy, judgemental bitch. Apparently this drug thing is the Planeteers's problem, because it's "pollution of the mind." Nice. The Planeteers see vision of Verminous Skumm pushing THE DRUGS and taking everyone's money. Oh, and they also hear his plan, which is to start selling bliss to everyone all over the world, thereby getting rich and ensuring he is the only one around thinking straight. Firstly, who is filming this? And if Gaia can see everything, why didn't she, you know, STOP BORIS FROM SWAPPING LINKA FOR DRUGS? Just thinking out loud here. Also, what a shit plan. I could spend the whole day listing reasons why that plan's not gonna work, but for your sake, I won't.
The Planeteers arrive in Washington, flying their jet right next to the Capitol Building. I don't care if they are the Planeteers, that seems like a breach of security to me. Wheeler and Ma-Ti go to the Lincoln Memorial for some ridiculous reason. Ma-Ti's so lame. Seriously, what is the power of heart anyway? I never got that. Suddenly all four Planeteers are accosted by the blissed-out mob. Why are they attacking the Planeteers? I'm so confused. Wheeler tries to stop them by setting fire to the grass between them and the blissed-out mob. Again, I have to wonder where security is. One of the blissed-out mobsters actually says, "We do not care about injuries; just running out of bliss!" How oddly informative. Thank you, blissed-out junkie.
Verminous Skumm appears at the back of the pack, and Gi admits that they need Captain Planet's help. Skumm agrees and then ominously says that they'll never be able to summon him...and reveals Linka, blissed-out something fierce! Oh no! Wheeler instinctively tries to rush over there (because he, like, totally loves her) but the other Planeteers hold him back. But seriously, Skumm is the dumbest villain ever. Why not just kill Linka, or even steal her ring? Why risk it? WHY??
Skumm offers free bliss to the people who kill the Planeteers. Because apparently the ones who aren't hot and blonde are expendable. I see what's going on here now. He even calls Linka a "Glamourteer," and I feel a little uncomfortable. Wheeler tries to reach her (so cute!), but the blissed-out mob is coming towards them, looking very much like the extras from the 'Thriller' video. Gi uses her water power to create a tidal wave, washing the mob away. Of course, it's only a temporary solution, because it's not like the Planeteers could, I don't know, cause an earthquake or start a fire or anything useful.
Ma-Ti thinks he has an idea. Well good for you, Ma-Ti, it's about time you started pulling your weight. He gets Wheeler to distract Skumm by setting fire to the bag of bliss he's holding. Wow, good aim. Skumm responds by shouting, "But I have the bliss formula right here! I can make more in minutes!" at Wheeler, holding a notebook in the air. He wrote the formula for his mind-consuming drug in a notebook that he carries around with him? DUMB. And why doesn't Wheeler just fireball that as well? This whole problem could've been solved on seventeen different occasions already.
While he's doing this, Ma-Ti grabs Linka's arm and drags her away. That's the plan? Seriously? Ma-Ti, there's a reason no one likes you. And I seriously doubt he's strong enough to drag Linka anywhere. Linka falls over and lands in a puddle, which she finds hilarious in her blissed-up state. Ma-Ti can't get her up again, because apparently he used all his little boy strength to drag her away the first time. The rest of the Planeteers manage to outrun the mob, and Wheeler and Kwame pick Linka up and carry her away from the mob.
They rush into the Capitol Building, because we're in Washington, remember? If you forget, don't worry, they'll remind us again soon. The whole place is deserted, and Wheeler awesomely says, "Why is it that when the city is under siege by zombies, you can never find a cop?" A very good question, Wheeler, one I've been asking for half the fucking episode.
Ma-Ti activates his heart ring, which is good, because I can't for the life of me remember a time when that thing's come in handy. He says he can sense that everyone in the city has either fled or is high on bliss. Even the military? Fail, USA. Oh, and Boris is the leader of the blissed-out mob now. The other mobsters are even chanting his name. Boris, that is so slack -- you have your lifetime's supply of THE DRUGS, and you're still selling out your cousin? Mean, Boris, mean!
The Planeteers barricade themselves inside, while Linka downs another pill. She wanders over to the window to let Boris in, because zombies think alike, I guess. Wheeler gets there just in time to shut Boris out. Yay Wheeler! Linka tries to get Wheeler to take THE DRUGS, but he refuses. He gets her to look in the mirror and "see what this junk has done to you!" Linka thinks she looks beautiful. Hee! Then Boris comes crashing through the window, which sucks because we were right in the middle of Linka/Wheeler sexual tension! Fucking Boris!
Boris gets his, though, as the glass from the window cuts him and causes him to bleed profusely. And I mean profusely. Jesus, is this Captain Planet directed by Eli Roth or what? Kwame uses his earth power to knock over a bookcase and block the window to prevent any of the other zombies getting in. Because earth power works on bookcases? What? This whole episode's on THE DRUGS.
As the others escape, Gi stops to bandage Boris's arms with the emergency gauze she must carry around with her wherever she goes. Wheeler's like, "Just leave him!" but Gi feels sorry for Boris because she knows it's THE DRUGS that's been making him act all mean and traitor-y. Wheeler says, "Yeah, but nobody made him take the drug. He did that on his own." Because that's the moral of the story, after all -- if you take drugs, you're a bad person and you deserve to die in a pool of your own blood.
The gang (even blissed-out Linka and cut-up Boris) escape through a window on the roof. Which wasn't locked or anything. Why would it be? It's not like this is an important building or anything. One of the junkies smashes through a window and tries to grab Ma-Ti, and Kwame pulls him back to safety. Unfortunately, the two fall off the building. Even more unfortunately, Kwame doesn't drop Ma-Ti to his death. (That I'd like to see.) Wheeler grabs Kwame just in time, and now the three of them are hanging on to each other (and Wheeler to the ledge) for dear life. Verminous Skumm appears in his helicopter (?) and offers a lifetime's supply of bliss to whoever pushes them off the edge. Boris, who last I checked was bleeding half to death but apparently isn't anymore, agrees. Boris, you already have a lifetime's supply from the last psychotic thing you did! Keep up!
Linka tries to pop another pill, but Gi stops her. Linka decides that she'll simply blow the Planeteers off the roof with her wind power, but it doesn't work because "her mind's too polluted." Another side-effect of taking THE DRUGS, children -- your magical, element-commanding rings will no longer work.
Then Boris falls over and passes out. Linka's like, "what the fuck?" and Gi checks his pulse and announces that he's dead. Um, what? What just...what just happened here? Boris DIED?! They killed off Boris?! WHAT?! That's kind-of harsh for a kids' cartoon, even if he is a drug-addled psycho. They all decide that it was the bliss that killed him, even though I don't think the lacerations on his arms could've helped much. I suppose this wouldn't be very good anti-drug propaganda if the druggie died from glass wounds.
Linka's all broken up about how her traitor cousin is dead from drugs. Wheeler tells Linka that she has to snap out of it (nice, Wheeler, you ever hear of mourning periods?) and un-cloud her mind so they can call Captain Planet. She does so, because it's that easy to sober up after spending the entire day off your face like that. And is it just me, or wouldn't it be easier for Gaia to simply call Captain Planet directly when she has an eco-problem? All these kids seem to do is get kidnapped and destroy government buildings. But I digress.
Captain Planet flies the kids to safety, and ruins Skumm's day by burning his secret bliss formula in a giant fiery tornado thing. Fucking A, Captain Planet is all-time! He says to Skumm, "In my house, the dealer always loses!" See what I meant about the bad puns before! Captain Planet should just stick to making flaming tornados. Skumm ends up in a river for some reason, probably because people falling into bodies of water is funny for a child. Not so much for me anymore, though.
The next day, all the crazy blissed-out zombie folk are getting medical attention, even Linka. Gi solemnly says, "They've got a long, hard fight ahead of them," and Wheeler tells us that "withdrawal is the worst kind of pain." Because, um, I don't know, DRUGSAREBAD! Even if they're sparkly!
Skumm crawls out of the river, swearing revenge on Captain Planet. Then he takes out a sandwich from his pocket, which is not only completely bizarre but also pretty unsanitary. I guess he must've laced it with bliss and forgotten or something, because he's shocked that he gets all strung out. Yeah, I don't really get it either. I never realised it, but Captain Planet kind-of blows. How disappointing.
Well, that's it for Captain Planet. (This episode, anyway.) Next time -- Ship to Shore!
This particular episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is not about pollution. (Gasp shock horror and et cetera.) It's about drugs. Drugs, in case you're wondering, are bad, and they piss Captain Planet and his Planeteers off something fierce. This episode is available to watch on YouTube, or you could just watch them here. See how I've embedded them into this post for your convenience? I'm thoughtful that way.
Whoever posted this video did NOT include the awesome-upon-awesome theme song, but since they bothered to upload my daily dose of nineties nostalgia in the first place, I won't hold it against them. Besides, who doesn't remember it? "Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" And so on and so forth. Also, did you know that the Planeteer rappy bit ("We're the Planeteers, you can be one too," etc.) in the New Adventures series was written by one of the B-52s? That is wicked. Just plain wicked. Without the intro, I can't tell if it's the original series or New Adventures. I could probably look it up somewhere, but I'm not going to, so don't hold your breath.
The episode begins at the White House. Has Captain Planet been elected president? Looks like not. A blonde-haired kid is running through the streets of Washington, and he looks a bit like Wheeler. Ever notice that all the white guys in this cartoon look like Wheeler? I think the reason Ted Turner decided to make the Planeteers racially diverse is so we can tell them apart. Anyway, Verminous Skumm (remember him?) approaches the blonde kid and, um, sells him drugs. That's really the only way to put it. He sells the blonde haired kid some sort of pill, and the blonde kid gets high. Um, yeah. Then for some reason, the kid almost gets hit by a bus, falls over, hits his head, and starts laughing. Dude's high as a kite. Wow. I do not remember Captain Planet being this heavy.
(Side note: according to Wikipedia, Captain Planet actually did an episode dealing with HIV/AIDS, which I guess is forward-thinking but seems a little inappropriate. Kids don't know what AIDS is. They don't particularly care, either. When I was growing up, they mentioned AIDS in passing in an I Hate Fridays book, and for years I thought it was just a regular illness on par with strepthroat or chicken pox.)
At Planeteer HQ (which, inexplicably, is a paradise island of some sort), the gang is checking out their jet to make sure everything's working. Linka has a checklist, because she's in charge. Linka was totally my favourite growing up. Back then, I didn't know what a communist was, or that she was one. Simpler times, my friends, simpler times. Linka tells Wheeler to make sure that the bolts underneath the jet won't loosen up upon take-off, and he says, "I know someone who could use a little loosening up." Dirrty! I know what he means, but it still calls for a Dirrty!! Another random fact -- I always wanted Linka and Wheeler to hook up, or as we called it back then, like like each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because even at a young age, I couldn't watch a show without wanting two of the characters to get together. I skipped that boys-are-icky phase in a big way, in case you can't tell.
Apparently, the Planeteers are taking a vacation. Weren't they just on an island? Anyway, Linka's excited about visiting her uncle in the Soviet Union. Hee! This must be from the first Captain Planet series, then, because in the New Adventures they changed her origin to the rather vague 'Eastern Europe.' In case the name 'Russia' didn't stick, I suppose.
Linka tells us her cousin Boris is charming, which is a bit of a weird way to describe one's cousin, but okay. They drop Linka off in the Soviet Union (what a short plane ride) and she rushes straight to her uncle Dimitri's house. He answers the door in a bathrobe and hugs Linka for an uncomfortably long time. So that's how it is in their family. Dimitri calls charming Boris downstairs -- and he's in a robe too! The only thing I can think is that it must be really early in the morning. But ruh-roh, it seems that Boris is not his usual charming self. He's all tired and dishevelled, which means what, children. Boris is on THE DRUGS. At first sight, I actually thought Boris was the blonde kid from the start, but I seem to recall a high-school geography lesson where I learned that Washington is not in the Soviet Union.
Sure enough, Boris goes upstairs and takes the same generic-looking drug the blonde kid took. It's kind of sparkly, and it makes that cartoon noise all shimmery things make, sort of a swooshing noise. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but making drugs out to be sparkly and special? Doesn't sell 'wrong' to me. Sparkly usually equals cool and must-have. In my Captain Planet-watching days, I was obsessed with anything sparkly. I'm wearing a sparkly T-shirt right now. Anyway.
Dimitri tells Linka that Boris has been acting strange recently, and begs her to try and get to the bottom of it. That's some good parenting right there. Boris enters in a radical skull T-shirt and sunglasses, because only druggies wear skull T-shirts and sunglasses! Linka notices that he has a cut on his head. Oh snap, Boris is the blonde kid from the start of the episode! He got that cut by smacking his head on the pavement! He doesn't tell Linda this, though, or offers me an explanation as to why he was in Washington at the start of the episode. Linka tries to put some alcohol on his cut, and Boris knocks the bottle onto the stove, causing it to explode and engulf the kitchen in flames. See kids, this is why you don't take THE DRUGS. Linka manages to put out the fire using her wind ring and some baking soda. Right. You know, Linka's time would be better spent working as a firefighter. She might actually do some good, instead of traipsing around the world on her neverending attempt to stop global warming or whatev. Plus, we now know she'd kick Wheeler's arse in a fight.
Linka and Boris are riding bikes to the Russian cafe. Wait, aren't we...isn't this...you know what? I think I've missed something. Perhaps they're not in the Soviet Union after all. Let me just go back and check...yep, okay, they're in Washington. Linka said before that she's going to visit her uncle at the Soviet Embassy in Washington. My bad. I just heard 'Soviet' and then let my mind wander. I do that sometimes. Sorry.
Amway, they're riding their bikes to the Russian cafe, and Boris keeps stopping to catch his breath. Another reason why THE DRUGS are bad, y'all -- no more bike-riding. Oh, and the skull on Boris's T-shirt is wearing a party hat, which doesn't scream 'badass' to me. Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, I don't know. Boris is all like, "How the hell did you manage to put out that fire with your ring?" and she gives him a really vague explanation of the whole protecting-the-earth business. Boris says that if she lets him try it sometime he'll give her one of his pills. She's like, "Hells no, not on my watch!" and tries to take the bag of pills from him. They struggle and the bag breaks, spilling the pills down the drain. Hee, they're making that shimmery noise again! Maybe they're magic pills!
Boris calls Linka a stupid cow, and I laugh. That's kind-of harsh for a cartoon. Anyway, Boris rides away and meets up with Verminous Skumm again, saying he needs more bliss. Wow, it even sounds pretty. Worst anti-drugs campaign ever. Skumm tells him that the price has increased. Since Boris doesn't have enough money, he offers to give Skumm Linka's magic ring in exchange for THE DRUGS. What a dumb idea -- if he's going to go home to steal Linka's ring, why doesn't he just walk into his father's bedroom and steal some money? Thievery's thievery, you know? Anyway, Skumm works out that he's talking about Linka, and tells Boris that if he brings Linka, Scumm will give him all the bliss he could ever need. Boris tells him to fuck off. Yeah, go Boris!
Linka returns to her uncle's house, but he's gone to the embassy. Linka turns on the TV in time to see a news report about a group of vandals who were apparently high on bliss trashing some building or other. How they could possibly know what drug they were on when no one's been caught yet is baffling, but okay. Boris walks through the door, and Linka says, "Oh Boris, I was afraid you were in that blissed-out mob!" Direct quote. I'm so calling them that from now on. Boris gives her some lie about how he knows THE DRUGS are bad now, and Linka believes him...despite the fact that he's holding a shitload of bliss behind his back. And you can imagine how much shimmery noise it's making. Boris, you suck. I can't believe you would sell your cousin to a drug-dealing half-man half-rat. That's just not done in polite society. He gives Linka something to eat, and it's so obvious that he's roofied it that I'm about to scream.
Back on Planeteer Island, the remaining four Planeteers have returned from their boring, non drug-related vacations. Apparently there was some mix-up and none of them picked up Linka. What great friends. They get worried because nobody's heard from her, and suddenly Gaia the Earth Mother appears and takes them to her Crystal Chamber...which, if you'll recall, is a cave with a control panel type thing that a giant screen in the centre. She shows the gang all the destruction that the blissed-out mob (that will never stop sounding ridiculous) has been doing in Washington, and this exchange made me laugh so hard, I had to quote it for you outright:
Wheeler: Babe, what went down in that neighbourhood?
Gaia: What went down is
people's self-respect.
Yes, thank you, Wheeler, for reminding us that you're the complete embodiment of an American pig. And thank you, Gaia, for reminding us that you're a preachy, judgemental bitch. Apparently this drug thing is the Planeteers's problem, because it's "pollution of the mind." Nice. The Planeteers see vision of Verminous Skumm pushing THE DRUGS and taking everyone's money. Oh, and they also hear his plan, which is to start selling bliss to everyone all over the world, thereby getting rich and ensuring he is the only one around thinking straight. Firstly, who is filming this? And if Gaia can see everything, why didn't she, you know, STOP BORIS FROM SWAPPING LINKA FOR DRUGS? Just thinking out loud here. Also, what a shit plan. I could spend the whole day listing reasons why that plan's not gonna work, but for your sake, I won't.
The Planeteers arrive in Washington, flying their jet right next to the Capitol Building. I don't care if they are the Planeteers, that seems like a breach of security to me. Wheeler and Ma-Ti go to the Lincoln Memorial for some ridiculous reason. Ma-Ti's so lame. Seriously, what is the power of heart anyway? I never got that. Suddenly all four Planeteers are accosted by the blissed-out mob. Why are they attacking the Planeteers? I'm so confused. Wheeler tries to stop them by setting fire to the grass between them and the blissed-out mob. Again, I have to wonder where security is. One of the blissed-out mobsters actually says, "We do not care about injuries; just running out of bliss!" How oddly informative. Thank you, blissed-out junkie.
Verminous Skumm appears at the back of the pack, and Gi admits that they need Captain Planet's help. Skumm agrees and then ominously says that they'll never be able to summon him...and reveals Linka, blissed-out something fierce! Oh no! Wheeler instinctively tries to rush over there (because he, like, totally loves her) but the other Planeteers hold him back. But seriously, Skumm is the dumbest villain ever. Why not just kill Linka, or even steal her ring? Why risk it? WHY??
Skumm offers free bliss to the people who kill the Planeteers. Because apparently the ones who aren't hot and blonde are expendable. I see what's going on here now. He even calls Linka a "Glamourteer," and I feel a little uncomfortable. Wheeler tries to reach her (so cute!), but the blissed-out mob is coming towards them, looking very much like the extras from the 'Thriller' video. Gi uses her water power to create a tidal wave, washing the mob away. Of course, it's only a temporary solution, because it's not like the Planeteers could, I don't know, cause an earthquake or start a fire or anything useful.
Ma-Ti thinks he has an idea. Well good for you, Ma-Ti, it's about time you started pulling your weight. He gets Wheeler to distract Skumm by setting fire to the bag of bliss he's holding. Wow, good aim. Skumm responds by shouting, "But I have the bliss formula right here! I can make more in minutes!" at Wheeler, holding a notebook in the air. He wrote the formula for his mind-consuming drug in a notebook that he carries around with him? DUMB. And why doesn't Wheeler just fireball that as well? This whole problem could've been solved on seventeen different occasions already.
While he's doing this, Ma-Ti grabs Linka's arm and drags her away. That's the plan? Seriously? Ma-Ti, there's a reason no one likes you. And I seriously doubt he's strong enough to drag Linka anywhere. Linka falls over and lands in a puddle, which she finds hilarious in her blissed-up state. Ma-Ti can't get her up again, because apparently he used all his little boy strength to drag her away the first time. The rest of the Planeteers manage to outrun the mob, and Wheeler and Kwame pick Linka up and carry her away from the mob.
They rush into the Capitol Building, because we're in Washington, remember? If you forget, don't worry, they'll remind us again soon. The whole place is deserted, and Wheeler awesomely says, "Why is it that when the city is under siege by zombies, you can never find a cop?" A very good question, Wheeler, one I've been asking for half the fucking episode.
Ma-Ti activates his heart ring, which is good, because I can't for the life of me remember a time when that thing's come in handy. He says he can sense that everyone in the city has either fled or is high on bliss. Even the military? Fail, USA. Oh, and Boris is the leader of the blissed-out mob now. The other mobsters are even chanting his name. Boris, that is so slack -- you have your lifetime's supply of THE DRUGS, and you're still selling out your cousin? Mean, Boris, mean!
The Planeteers barricade themselves inside, while Linka downs another pill. She wanders over to the window to let Boris in, because zombies think alike, I guess. Wheeler gets there just in time to shut Boris out. Yay Wheeler! Linka tries to get Wheeler to take THE DRUGS, but he refuses. He gets her to look in the mirror and "see what this junk has done to you!" Linka thinks she looks beautiful. Hee! Then Boris comes crashing through the window, which sucks because we were right in the middle of Linka/Wheeler sexual tension! Fucking Boris!
Boris gets his, though, as the glass from the window cuts him and causes him to bleed profusely. And I mean profusely. Jesus, is this Captain Planet directed by Eli Roth or what? Kwame uses his earth power to knock over a bookcase and block the window to prevent any of the other zombies getting in. Because earth power works on bookcases? What? This whole episode's on THE DRUGS.
As the others escape, Gi stops to bandage Boris's arms with the emergency gauze she must carry around with her wherever she goes. Wheeler's like, "Just leave him!" but Gi feels sorry for Boris because she knows it's THE DRUGS that's been making him act all mean and traitor-y. Wheeler says, "Yeah, but nobody made him take the drug. He did that on his own." Because that's the moral of the story, after all -- if you take drugs, you're a bad person and you deserve to die in a pool of your own blood.
The gang (even blissed-out Linka and cut-up Boris) escape through a window on the roof. Which wasn't locked or anything. Why would it be? It's not like this is an important building or anything. One of the junkies smashes through a window and tries to grab Ma-Ti, and Kwame pulls him back to safety. Unfortunately, the two fall off the building. Even more unfortunately, Kwame doesn't drop Ma-Ti to his death. (That I'd like to see.) Wheeler grabs Kwame just in time, and now the three of them are hanging on to each other (and Wheeler to the ledge) for dear life. Verminous Skumm appears in his helicopter (?) and offers a lifetime's supply of bliss to whoever pushes them off the edge. Boris, who last I checked was bleeding half to death but apparently isn't anymore, agrees. Boris, you already have a lifetime's supply from the last psychotic thing you did! Keep up!
Linka tries to pop another pill, but Gi stops her. Linka decides that she'll simply blow the Planeteers off the roof with her wind power, but it doesn't work because "her mind's too polluted." Another side-effect of taking THE DRUGS, children -- your magical, element-commanding rings will no longer work.
Then Boris falls over and passes out. Linka's like, "what the fuck?" and Gi checks his pulse and announces that he's dead. Um, what? What just...what just happened here? Boris DIED?! They killed off Boris?! WHAT?! That's kind-of harsh for a kids' cartoon, even if he is a drug-addled psycho. They all decide that it was the bliss that killed him, even though I don't think the lacerations on his arms could've helped much. I suppose this wouldn't be very good anti-drug propaganda if the druggie died from glass wounds.
Linka's all broken up about how her traitor cousin is dead from drugs. Wheeler tells Linka that she has to snap out of it (nice, Wheeler, you ever hear of mourning periods?) and un-cloud her mind so they can call Captain Planet. She does so, because it's that easy to sober up after spending the entire day off your face like that. And is it just me, or wouldn't it be easier for Gaia to simply call Captain Planet directly when she has an eco-problem? All these kids seem to do is get kidnapped and destroy government buildings. But I digress.
Captain Planet flies the kids to safety, and ruins Skumm's day by burning his secret bliss formula in a giant fiery tornado thing. Fucking A, Captain Planet is all-time! He says to Skumm, "In my house, the dealer always loses!" See what I meant about the bad puns before! Captain Planet should just stick to making flaming tornados. Skumm ends up in a river for some reason, probably because people falling into bodies of water is funny for a child. Not so much for me anymore, though.
The next day, all the crazy blissed-out zombie folk are getting medical attention, even Linka. Gi solemnly says, "They've got a long, hard fight ahead of them," and Wheeler tells us that "withdrawal is the worst kind of pain." Because, um, I don't know, DRUGSAREBAD! Even if they're sparkly!
Skumm crawls out of the river, swearing revenge on Captain Planet. Then he takes out a sandwich from his pocket, which is not only completely bizarre but also pretty unsanitary. I guess he must've laced it with bliss and forgotten or something, because he's shocked that he gets all strung out. Yeah, I don't really get it either. I never realised it, but Captain Planet kind-of blows. How disappointing.
Well, that's it for Captain Planet. (This episode, anyway.) Next time -- Ship to Shore!
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