Beverly Hills 90210: U4EA

I'm back, y'all! Hope you didn't miss me too much, but I needed a vaykay like nobody's business. My final semester of my final year at uni required most of my attention, so that's my excuse. Plus, last week was my birthday, and I'm not embellishing at all when I tell you that I'm just recovering. I thought I'd do the sensible thing this year and have multiple dinner soirees instead of one huge birthday bash, but that turned out to be the single best mistake I've made so far in my 21 years on this planet. I've drunk more champagne these last eleven days than Iggy Pop has all his New Years Eves combined.

Today I bring you another 90210 episode, but this one's special -- it hold the grand distinction of being my favourite one of all time. I think. Don't quote me on that, but it's definitely right up there. In today's episode, Silver gets drunk, Brandon gets roofied, Brenda and Kelly are nonstop bitches and we even get a little Steve/Andrea action. In a nutshell, it's the perfect episode. (Except for Emily Valentine. I know Brandon liked her, but I never did.)

In the halls of West Beverly, Donna, Kelly and Brenda are complaining about how boring their lives are. Right. Brandon and Emily walk by, and Emily tells the girls about some hip underground rave club she just happens to have heard about. Get this -- they let just anyone in. No IDs, no cover charge, no nothing. This is generally a sane person's first tip that something is amiss, but no. The trick is, to get the location, you have to go to a particular convenience store and exchange an egg for the club's address. Apparently it changes locations every week, as though the first round of oh-so-subtle "this place is shady" clues didn't get through.

Emily and Brandon stop by the Blaze and tell Andrea and Steve about the egg rave club. Andrea pretends she wants to do an expose of it for the paper, but really she just wants to spy on Emily and Brandon and make sure they don't have any fun. Steve decides to go as Andrea's date, for no other reason except to appease the weird Steve/Andrea ship I have going on. Not that I think they'd make any sort of great couple -- I just like their scenes together. And their scenes in this episode? Awesome.

At home that night, Brandon and Brenda get ready to get their par-tay on. They go to great lengths to make up a plausible excuse as to why they're all dressed up with seemingly no egg rave club to go to, but by the time they get downstairs, their parents are so wrapped up watching a movie on the couch, they don't even bat an eyelid at their offspring. The twins even manage to coax an extension on their curfew out of Jim and Cindy. Guess they've been Beverly Hills parents too long.

Kelly, however, is having no such luck. She tells Jackie the truth -- she's going to a creepy underground club with all of her underage friends. Jackie the recovering alcoholic is having none of that, though, and tells her that she'll have to stay in while Mommy Dearest goes gallivanting around town with Mel Silver. Naturally, Kelly sneaks out the second her mother leaves the house.

The gang meets up at the Peach Pit, bar Andrea and Steve. They're late for some reason. Kelly's mad that Donna brought Silver along. Brenda's mad that they all seem to be doing what Emily wants to do. They both such downers in this episode, I can't even begin to tell you. Nat asks Emily and Brandon where they're all going, and they very stealthily respond with, "a...place." That's some A-grade lying right there, Brando. Nat's all, "Oh wellsies, have fun." Heh. Nat is such an enabler. Between him placing bets for his underage employees and Jim and Cindy "Couch Potato" Walsh, it's surprising that Brandon made it out of his teenage years alive.

Their first stop is the convenience store, and I notice for the first time that they're all decked out in either black or denim. (Or both.) I love that they're colour-coordinated for their big night on the town. Emily goes up to the counter and exchanges the egg, no questions asked. Silver, jokingly, asks for a bottle of whiskey...and gets it. Worst convenience store clerk ever. I mean, come on. Silver looks eternally eleven. Plus, he gets the whiskey, a bottle of water for Brenda, gum for Kelly and popcorn for Donna, all for sixteen dollars. Is all your shit cheaper in America, or was this the wacky nineties? Because if it's the latter, I miss them. Then I remember all the double denim and matching black ensembles, and suddenly I don't anymore.

The egg rave club is totes hopping by the time our black-and-denim-clad Beverly Hillsians rock up. Dylan takes this opportunity to tell Brenda that a club like this is a breeding ground for drug activity. Hey Dylweed, you know when this would've been helpful information? Before. Literally any time before, just not ten feet from the friggin' entrance. Brenda asks her recovering substance abuser boyfriend if he's going to be okay. He tells her he is, and she's like, "Whatevs, let's head on over to Temptation City, Dyl." Thanks, Brenda.

Once they get inside, the girls (and Silver) all ooh and ahh over how crazy it is in there. Techno music, people dancing and et cetera. I'm pretty sure they have places like this in Beverly Hills too, but none of them seem to think so. Silver says that the place is "trippy," and Kelly makes fun of him. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gone soft on Silver or anything, but I hate it when Kelly gets unnecessarily bitchy like this. It's slightly less annoying than when she gets unnecessarily judgemental, but still. Silver takes out his cheap-ass whiskey and offers it to everyone. They all refuse for some reason. I guess it's one thing to sneak out to a bitchin' rave party, but quite another to actually drink. What exactly are they planning to do here? Kelly goes so far as to call Silver a geek and pay him out for being a disgusting alco, and Donna stands up for him and says that "not everybody who has a drink or two is an alcoholic." I'm pretty sure these words are going to haunt her in a year's time when she's hunched over a toilet at prom.

While they're all standing around doing nothing, Kelly complains about how everyone seems to be coupled off except for her. Emily, for no real reason, says, "Life can be really depressing when you don't have a boyfriend." Um, fuck you, Emily. How is that an okay thing to say to someone who's already feeling bad about being single? Also, feminism called, and it wants to punch you in the face. Brenda overhears this remark and bitches to Dylan that Emily really rubs her the wrong way. Dylan retorts that she must rub Brandon the right way, and I give the scriptwriters props for sneaking that in there.

Meanwhile, Steve and Andrea finally arrive at the Peach Pit. Nat gives them an egg and directions to the convenience store that Emily left for them. So not only is Nat not stopping his favourite high school students from doing something that screams 'illegal', he's actually helping them? Jeez, Nathaniel, responsible much? Andrea takes the egg, confused, and Steve tells her to "get with the drill." Was that ever slang? "Get with the program," I've heard of, but "get with the drill?" Not so much. Andrea accidentally knocks over a cup of coffee, right onto the directions. They decide to forge on ahead anyway.

Back at the rave, Brandon is telling Emily that he doesn't want to dance. Because Brandon doesn't dance. That's a character trait you can never be reminded of too many times. He points out a giant burly guy that people keep coming up to, and Emily tells him that Big Burly Guy is a U4EA dealer. U4EA, for those of you at home, is a drug. A drug that Emily swears she's never tried before. (Spoiler: she's lying!) A drug that she attempts to get Brandon to take with her. Brandon, ever the sensible one, declines. After all, he does not get high. He just gets drunk and crashes Mondale. I do like that he reminds us of this, instead of being his usual high-and-mighty, Brandon-Walsh-can-do-no-wrong self and pretending that little incident never happened.

Steve and Andrea are driving around town, trying in vain to read the directions on the coffee-stained napkin. Andrea blames stupid Emily for not thinking to draw them a map on something sturdier than a napkin. It makes no sense, but since I love snarky Andrea, I'll let it slide. They stop at a convenience store they think might be the right one, and head inside to exchange the egg. Note: Steve's holding Andrea's hand. Cue the awww's. (Awww!) Now I can't decide which of the lines in this scene I'd rather quote for you, so here's the whole thing.



This is far and away my favourite scene in season two, maybe even the entire series. It's like a poultry-themed Who's On First.

Back in the nowhere-near-as-entertaining A-plot, Silver is sauced. It's okay, though, because drinking's only bad when Donna Martin does it. He talks with Brandon for a while about how he thinks of himself as "the host who's had the most," and then raves on for a while about how Donna likes him. God, if only Silver was drunk every episode. It almost makes him bearable.

Emily, still wanting to get high with Brandon, decides to take matters into her own hands and slips the U4EA into his soda. Good God, she's sociopathic. I hate it when Brenda's right. Some time later, Brandon tells her that he feels weird, and she admits that she, uh, drugged him, I guess. Brando's not as incensed about this as you'd think he'd be, probably because he's feeling a little too U4ic. Heh. You see what I did there? I'm oddly proud of myself for that one.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Steve are sitting in the 'Vette, totally and completely lost. Andrea snarks Emily some more about how she only joined the paper to get into Brandon's pants. She complains that, "this evening has been a total mmm." Insert your own bad word there. Steve tells her to stop apologising for who she is and get in the game, because the only reason Brandon only likes Emily is because she throws herself at him. He's so passionate about it, too. I love Steve so much. This is the sort of advice I imagine he'd give me if he was a real person and not just my fantasy BFF. Eventually, Andrea spots the right convenience store, and they head on in to exchange the egg.

Segue: I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was back in high school, and we were all doing some sort of crazy showstopping musical number. Steve Sanders was with us, and he and I sung a duet about how awesome we are. Sad but true.

At the rave, Silver and Donna are dancing wildly. Donna tells him she has to sit down, because she's "bushed." Silver's response? "Which one -- George or Barbara?" Ugh. And they say you're the witty one, Silver. There are so many cooler comebacks you could've used, and judging by Dylan's quip about the way Emily rubs Brandon, I'm pretty sure the network wouldn't have minded. Kelly, Dylan and Brenda come past for one final rendition of their tired Chide The Drunk Guy chorus. Seriously, you guys, shut the fuck up. So Silver's drunk. Why would you go to the trouble of sneaking out to a club if you weren't going to drink?

On the way back from the grungy bathroom ('grungy' in this case meaning disgusting,) Kelly and Brenda step on some drug paraphernalia and see a couple getting high in the corner. They realise that the place is crawling with ZOMG!druggies! Even though Dylan told her this would happen at the start of the night, Brenda acts like this is new information. She and Kel head on over to where Dylan is and tell him it's time to find Brandon and go. In Kelly's words, "This place is never again." Hmm. Again, I don't think calling stuff 'never again' was ever a thing, but I dig it. In fact, I think I'll use that.

Outside, Silver gets really sick, and Dylan holds his hair back while he munts all over a wall. Ew. Say what you want about Dylan, but he's all sorts of awesome to Silver in this scene. He doesn't even like Silver, and yet here we are. He even carries him over to Kelly's Beemer and sort-of hurls him into the backseat. That's some good lookin' out, McKay.

Dylan and Brenda find Brandon on the hood of Mondale, making out furiously with Emily. He even has his shirt unbuttoned, that hussy. Dylan recognises that he's off his face immediately. Brandon and Emily respond by telling them off for being too serious. It's actually kind-of funny, even though I know that this is the first of many DRUGSAREBAD episodes, and we should really be learning some kind of lesson from this. Dylan takes Brandon's keys and gives him money for a cab, then hustles Brenda towards his car.

Brenda's like, "We can't just leave Brandon here!" and Dylan responds with a monologue about how DRUGSAREBAD. It's an anti-drugs message that would be so much more effective if we didn't have Brandon in the background, hilariously standing on the hood of his car, chest bared, looking stoned out of his mind. I think this is the first time Brandon has ever stolen a scene. I'm a little impressed.

Meanwhile, Kelly is trying desperately to beat her mother home so she doesn't find out that Little Miss Honesty disobeyed her and went to the skeezy rave party. Of course, this doesn't stop her from being mean to Silver, who's moaning and groaning in the background like...well, like a guy who just downed a bottle of whiskey, actually. Kelly tells Donna that she made a mistake bringing him with them tonight, because he's "a geek and a pukemeister." Heh. Pukemeister. Kelly is winning the battle of the Awesome Nineties Slang I Never Knew Was Actually Slang today.

Oh, and in case you're interested, Kelly does not get home before Jackie. Bitch is grounded.

Steve and Andrea arrive at the rave at the same time the police do. Dammit, they never get to have any fun! They spot Brandon and Emily, assumedly so Jason Priestley can show off his cartoonish 'guy on drugs' acting, and Emily tells them that they have to get out of here because she's still got some U4EA on her. Steve grabs it out of her hand, then drags her towards the 'Vette by the wrist. I love it when he gets forceful. Andrea takes this time to tell Brandon how disgusted she is by his behaviour.

Back at the Walsh house, Brenda is waiting up for Brandon to come home. He does so, at six in the morning. God, I hope Jim and Cindy catch him. Brenda and Brandon have a D&M about the dangers of drugs and Brandon admits that "I totally lost control." Yeah, Brando. You unbuttoned your shirt! You sat on the hood of you car and made out with your girlfriend! Those crazy kids, I tell ya. Brandon finally tells us what Dylan was trying to tell us before Brando interrupted him with his shirtlessness -- "people talk about how drugs are cool, but it's just a big fake-out." Holy crap, that's not even remotely subtle. I do love that Kelly -- the girl who initially told her mother the truth about where she was going and chided everyone for drinking -- got grounded, but Brandon managed to get home without his parents even waking up.

The next day, Dylan and Brandon head back to the club to pick up Mondale...which has been stripped for parts and just generally trashed. Oh, here's the comeuppance. I love that whenever Brandon decides to be bad, it's always the car that suffers. Dylan tells Brandon, "I'm just glad you couldn't see yourself last night," and Brandon asks if it was really that bad. Actually, no, Brandon, it wasn't really. You didn't even take your shirt clean off. Brandon admits that he'll have to tell his parents because there's no lie big enough to cover Mondale's demise, even though I thought of at least four in the last second and a half. I guess I'd make a much more covert druggie than Brandon.

At home, Brandon tells his parents all about last night, never minding that he's dropping Brenda in it too. He neglects to mention that Emily's the one who drugged him, though. Jim and Cindy seem mad, despite the fact that their shitty parenting last night didn't help the situation. Then they get mad at Brenda for leaving him there. Emily drops by and tells her boyfriend's parents that she took care of him while he was high last night, like the lying druggie whore she is. I hate her more and more with every passing second. Steam is practically coming out of Brenda's ears, but she doesn't dime. She's such a good sister. I take back that stuff I said earlier about her being a bitch. The second they're alone, Brandon breaks up with Emily. She's all butthurt about it, despite the fact that it's all her fault. Literally, all her fault. Not a single other person is to blame except her. This right here is the reason I have zero sympathy for Emily Valentine in the episodes to come.

Andrea goes to the Peach Pit to talk to Brandon. Actually, 'talk' isn't the right word. She takes him to the kitchen, breaks an egg into the frying pan and tells him that it's his brain on drugs. No, I'm not joking. That's how unsubtle they're being here. The writers' laziness is so bad now that they're actually just recreating an anti-drug PSA. Rachael Leigh Cook would be so proud.

Captain Planet: Mind Pollution

Episode recap here! Yay! I'm timely like that. Actually, I'm just really eager today because I discovered that someone actually read my Round The Twist recap. I know, I'm shocked too. I just assumed this blog would go completely ignored, so it was kind-of a nice surprise. Also, I'm in a really good mood because I just finished a scrumptious schnitzel sandwich...and my schnitzel was shaped like the state of Massachusetts. (Boston is my favourite place in the world. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the Dropkick Murphys. And The Departed. Go figure.)

This particular episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is not about pollution. (Gasp shock horror and et cetera.) It's about drugs. Drugs, in case you're wondering, are bad, and they piss Captain Planet and his Planeteers off something fierce. This episode is available to watch on YouTube, or you could just watch them here. See how I've embedded them into this post for your convenience? I'm thoughtful that way.






Whoever posted this video did NOT include the awesome-upon-awesome theme song, but since they bothered to upload my daily dose of nineties nostalgia in the first place, I won't hold it against them. Besides, who doesn't remember it? "Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" And so on and so forth. Also, did you know that the Planeteer rappy bit ("We're the Planeteers, you can be one too," etc.) in the New Adventures series was written by one of the B-52s? That is wicked. Just plain wicked. Without the intro, I can't tell if it's the original series or New Adventures. I could probably look it up somewhere, but I'm not going to, so don't hold your breath.

The episode begins at the White House. Has Captain Planet been elected president? Looks like not. A blonde-haired kid is running through the streets of Washington, and he looks a bit like Wheeler. Ever notice that all the white guys in this cartoon look like Wheeler? I think the reason Ted Turner decided to make the Planeteers racially diverse is so we can tell them apart. Anyway, Verminous Skumm (remember him?) approaches the blonde kid and, um, sells him drugs. That's really the only way to put it. He sells the blonde haired kid some sort of pill, and the blonde kid gets high. Um, yeah. Then for some reason, the kid almost gets hit by a bus, falls over, hits his head, and starts laughing. Dude's high as a kite. Wow. I do not remember Captain Planet being this heavy.

(Side note: according to Wikipedia, Captain Planet actually did an episode dealing with HIV/AIDS, which I guess is forward-thinking but seems a little inappropriate. Kids don't know what AIDS is. They don't particularly care, either. When I was growing up, they mentioned AIDS in passing in an I Hate Fridays book, and for years I thought it was just a regular illness on par with strepthroat or chicken pox.)

At Planeteer HQ (which, inexplicably, is a paradise island of some sort), the gang is checking out their jet to make sure everything's working. Linka has a checklist, because she's in charge. Linka was totally my favourite growing up. Back then, I didn't know what a communist was, or that she was one. Simpler times, my friends, simpler times. Linka tells Wheeler to make sure that the bolts underneath the jet won't loosen up upon take-off, and he says, "I know someone who could use a little loosening up." Dirrty! I know what he means, but it still calls for a Dirrty!! Another random fact -- I always wanted Linka and Wheeler to hook up, or as we called it back then, like like each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because even at a young age, I couldn't watch a show without wanting two of the characters to get together. I skipped that boys-are-icky phase in a big way, in case you can't tell.

Apparently, the Planeteers are taking a vacation. Weren't they just on an island? Anyway, Linka's excited about visiting her uncle in the Soviet Union. Hee! This must be from the first Captain Planet series, then, because in the New Adventures they changed her origin to the rather vague 'Eastern Europe.' In case the name 'Russia' didn't stick, I suppose.

Linka tells us her cousin Boris is charming, which is a bit of a weird way to describe one's cousin, but okay. They drop Linka off in the Soviet Union (what a short plane ride) and she rushes straight to her uncle Dimitri's house. He answers the door in a bathrobe and hugs Linka for an uncomfortably long time. So that's how it is in their family. Dimitri calls charming Boris downstairs -- and he's in a robe too! The only thing I can think is that it must be really early in the morning. But ruh-roh, it seems that Boris is not his usual charming self. He's all tired and dishevelled, which means what, children. Boris is on THE DRUGS. At first sight, I actually thought Boris was the blonde kid from the start, but I seem to recall a high-school geography lesson where I learned that Washington is not in the Soviet Union.

Sure enough, Boris goes upstairs and takes the same generic-looking drug the blonde kid took. It's kind of sparkly, and it makes that cartoon noise all shimmery things make, sort of a swooshing noise. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but making drugs out to be sparkly and special? Doesn't sell 'wrong' to me. Sparkly usually equals cool and must-have. In my Captain Planet-watching days, I was obsessed with anything sparkly. I'm wearing a sparkly T-shirt right now. Anyway.

Dimitri tells Linka that Boris has been acting strange recently, and begs her to try and get to the bottom of it. That's some good parenting right there. Boris enters in a radical skull T-shirt and sunglasses, because only druggies wear skull T-shirts and sunglasses! Linka notices that he has a cut on his head. Oh snap, Boris is the blonde kid from the start of the episode! He got that cut by smacking his head on the pavement! He doesn't tell Linda this, though, or offers me an explanation as to why he was in Washington at the start of the episode. Linka tries to put some alcohol on his cut, and Boris knocks the bottle onto the stove, causing it to explode and engulf the kitchen in flames. See kids, this is why you don't take THE DRUGS. Linka manages to put out the fire using her wind ring and some baking soda. Right. You know, Linka's time would be better spent working as a firefighter. She might actually do some good, instead of traipsing around the world on her neverending attempt to stop global warming or whatev. Plus, we now know she'd kick Wheeler's arse in a fight.

Linka and Boris are riding bikes to the Russian cafe. Wait, aren't we...isn't this...you know what? I think I've missed something. Perhaps they're not in the Soviet Union after all. Let me just go back and check...yep, okay, they're in Washington. Linka said before that she's going to visit her uncle at the Soviet Embassy in Washington. My bad. I just heard 'Soviet' and then let my mind wander. I do that sometimes. Sorry.

Amway, they're riding their bikes to the Russian cafe, and Boris keeps stopping to catch his breath. Another reason why THE DRUGS are bad, y'all -- no more bike-riding. Oh, and the skull on Boris's T-shirt is wearing a party hat, which doesn't scream 'badass' to me. Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, I don't know. Boris is all like, "How the hell did you manage to put out that fire with your ring?" and she gives him a really vague explanation of the whole protecting-the-earth business. Boris says that if she lets him try it sometime he'll give her one of his pills. She's like, "Hells no, not on my watch!" and tries to take the bag of pills from him. They struggle and the bag breaks, spilling the pills down the drain. Hee, they're making that shimmery noise again! Maybe they're magic pills!

Boris calls Linka a stupid cow, and I laugh. That's kind-of harsh for a cartoon. Anyway, Boris rides away and meets up with Verminous Skumm again, saying he needs more bliss. Wow, it even sounds pretty. Worst anti-drugs campaign ever. Skumm tells him that the price has increased. Since Boris doesn't have enough money, he offers to give Skumm Linka's magic ring in exchange for THE DRUGS. What a dumb idea -- if he's going to go home to steal Linka's ring, why doesn't he just walk into his father's bedroom and steal some money? Thievery's thievery, you know? Anyway, Skumm works out that he's talking about Linka, and tells Boris that if he brings Linka, Scumm will give him all the bliss he could ever need. Boris tells him to fuck off. Yeah, go Boris!

Linka returns to her uncle's house, but he's gone to the embassy. Linka turns on the TV in time to see a news report about a group of vandals who were apparently high on bliss trashing some building or other. How they could possibly know what drug they were on when no one's been caught yet is baffling, but okay. Boris walks through the door, and Linka says, "Oh Boris, I was afraid you were in that blissed-out mob!" Direct quote. I'm so calling them that from now on. Boris gives her some lie about how he knows THE DRUGS are bad now, and Linka believes him...despite the fact that he's holding a shitload of bliss behind his back. And you can imagine how much shimmery noise it's making. Boris, you suck. I can't believe you would sell your cousin to a drug-dealing half-man half-rat. That's just not done in polite society. He gives Linka something to eat, and it's so obvious that he's roofied it that I'm about to scream.

Back on Planeteer Island, the remaining four Planeteers have returned from their boring, non drug-related vacations. Apparently there was some mix-up and none of them picked up Linka. What great friends. They get worried because nobody's heard from her, and suddenly Gaia the Earth Mother appears and takes them to her Crystal Chamber...which, if you'll recall, is a cave with a control panel type thing that a giant screen in the centre. She shows the gang all the destruction that the blissed-out mob (that will never stop sounding ridiculous) has been doing in Washington, and this exchange made me laugh so hard, I had to quote it for you outright:

Wheeler: Babe, what went down in that neighbourhood?
Gaia: What went down is
people's self-respect.

Yes, thank you, Wheeler, for reminding us that you're the complete embodiment of an American pig. And thank you, Gaia, for reminding us that you're a preachy, judgemental bitch. Apparently this drug thing is the Planeteers's problem, because it's "pollution of the mind." Nice. The Planeteers see vision of Verminous Skumm pushing THE DRUGS and taking everyone's money. Oh, and they also hear his plan, which is to start selling bliss to everyone all over the world, thereby getting rich and ensuring he is the only one around thinking straight. Firstly, who is filming this? And if Gaia can see everything, why didn't she, you know, STOP BORIS FROM SWAPPING LINKA FOR DRUGS? Just thinking out loud here. Also, what a shit plan. I could spend the whole day listing reasons why that plan's not gonna work, but for your sake, I won't.

The Planeteers arrive in Washington, flying their jet right next to the Capitol Building. I don't care if they are the Planeteers, that seems like a breach of security to me. Wheeler and Ma-Ti go to the Lincoln Memorial for some ridiculous reason. Ma-Ti's so lame. Seriously, what is the power of heart anyway? I never got that. Suddenly all four Planeteers are accosted by the blissed-out mob. Why are they attacking the Planeteers? I'm so confused. Wheeler tries to stop them by setting fire to the grass between them and the blissed-out mob. Again, I have to wonder where security is. One of the blissed-out mobsters actually says, "We do not care about injuries; just running out of bliss!" How oddly informative. Thank you, blissed-out junkie.

Verminous Skumm appears at the back of the pack, and Gi admits that they need Captain Planet's help. Skumm agrees and then ominously says that they'll never be able to summon him...and reveals Linka, blissed-out something fierce! Oh no! Wheeler instinctively tries to rush over there (because he, like, totally loves her) but the other Planeteers hold him back. But seriously, Skumm is the dumbest villain ever. Why not just kill Linka, or even steal her ring? Why risk it? WHY??

Skumm offers free bliss to the people who kill the Planeteers. Because apparently the ones who aren't hot and blonde are expendable. I see what's going on here now. He even calls Linka a "Glamourteer," and I feel a little uncomfortable. Wheeler tries to reach her (so cute!), but the blissed-out mob is coming towards them, looking very much like the extras from the 'Thriller' video. Gi uses her water power to create a tidal wave, washing the mob away. Of course, it's only a temporary solution, because it's not like the Planeteers could, I don't know, cause an earthquake or start a fire or anything useful.

Ma-Ti thinks he has an idea. Well good for you, Ma-Ti, it's about time you started pulling your weight. He gets Wheeler to distract Skumm by setting fire to the bag of bliss he's holding. Wow, good aim. Skumm responds by shouting, "But I have the bliss formula right here! I can make more in minutes!" at Wheeler, holding a notebook in the air. He wrote the formula for his mind-consuming drug in a notebook that he carries around with him? DUMB. And why doesn't Wheeler just fireball that as well? This whole problem could've been solved on seventeen different occasions already.

While he's doing this, Ma-Ti grabs Linka's arm and drags her away. That's the plan? Seriously? Ma-Ti, there's a reason no one likes you. And I seriously doubt he's strong enough to drag Linka anywhere. Linka falls over and lands in a puddle, which she finds hilarious in her blissed-up state. Ma-Ti can't get her up again, because apparently he used all his little boy strength to drag her away the first time. The rest of the Planeteers manage to outrun the mob, and Wheeler and Kwame pick Linka up and carry her away from the mob.

They rush into the Capitol Building, because we're in Washington, remember? If you forget, don't worry, they'll remind us again soon. The whole place is deserted, and Wheeler awesomely says, "Why is it that when the city is under siege by zombies, you can never find a cop?" A very good question, Wheeler, one I've been asking for half the fucking episode.

Ma-Ti activates his heart ring, which is good, because I can't for the life of me remember a time when that thing's come in handy. He says he can sense that everyone in the city has either fled or is high on bliss. Even the military? Fail, USA. Oh, and Boris is the leader of the blissed-out mob now. The other mobsters are even chanting his name. Boris, that is so slack -- you have your lifetime's supply of THE DRUGS, and you're still selling out your cousin? Mean, Boris, mean!

The Planeteers barricade themselves inside, while Linka downs another pill. She wanders over to the window to let Boris in, because zombies think alike, I guess. Wheeler gets there just in time to shut Boris out. Yay Wheeler! Linka tries to get Wheeler to take THE DRUGS, but he refuses. He gets her to look in the mirror and "see what this junk has done to you!" Linka thinks she looks beautiful. Hee! Then Boris comes crashing through the window, which sucks because we were right in the middle of Linka/Wheeler sexual tension! Fucking Boris!

Boris gets his, though, as the glass from the window cuts him and causes him to bleed profusely. And I mean profusely. Jesus, is this Captain Planet directed by Eli Roth or what? Kwame uses his earth power to knock over a bookcase and block the window to prevent any of the other zombies getting in. Because earth power works on bookcases? What? This whole episode's on THE DRUGS.

As the others escape, Gi stops to bandage Boris's arms with the emergency gauze she must carry around with her wherever she goes. Wheeler's like, "Just leave him!" but Gi feels sorry for Boris because she knows it's THE DRUGS that's been making him act all mean and traitor-y. Wheeler says, "Yeah, but nobody made him take the drug. He did that on his own." Because that's the moral of the story, after all -- if you take drugs, you're a bad person and you deserve to die in a pool of your own blood.

The gang (even blissed-out Linka and cut-up Boris) escape through a window on the roof. Which wasn't locked or anything. Why would it be? It's not like this is an important building or anything. One of the junkies smashes through a window and tries to grab Ma-Ti, and Kwame pulls him back to safety. Unfortunately, the two fall off the building. Even more unfortunately, Kwame doesn't drop Ma-Ti to his death. (That I'd like to see.) Wheeler grabs Kwame just in time, and now the three of them are hanging on to each other (and Wheeler to the ledge) for dear life. Verminous Skumm appears in his helicopter (?) and offers a lifetime's supply of bliss to whoever pushes them off the edge. Boris, who last I checked was bleeding half to death but apparently isn't anymore, agrees. Boris, you already have a lifetime's supply from the last psychotic thing you did! Keep up!

Linka tries to pop another pill, but Gi stops her. Linka decides that she'll simply blow the Planeteers off the roof with her wind power, but it doesn't work because "her mind's too polluted." Another side-effect of taking THE DRUGS, children -- your magical, element-commanding rings will no longer work.

Then Boris falls over and passes out. Linka's like, "what the fuck?" and Gi checks his pulse and announces that he's dead. Um, what? What just...what just happened here? Boris DIED?! They killed off Boris?! WHAT?! That's kind-of harsh for a kids' cartoon, even if he is a drug-addled psycho. They all decide that it was the bliss that killed him, even though I don't think the lacerations on his arms could've helped much. I suppose this wouldn't be very good anti-drug propaganda if the druggie died from glass wounds.

Linka's all broken up about how her traitor cousin is dead from drugs. Wheeler tells Linka that she has to snap out of it (nice, Wheeler, you ever hear of mourning periods?) and un-cloud her mind so they can call Captain Planet. She does so, because it's that easy to sober up after spending the entire day off your face like that. And is it just me, or wouldn't it be easier for Gaia to simply call Captain Planet directly when she has an eco-problem? All these kids seem to do is get kidnapped and destroy government buildings. But I digress.

Captain Planet flies the kids to safety, and ruins Skumm's day by burning his secret bliss formula in a giant fiery tornado thing. Fucking A, Captain Planet is all-time! He says to Skumm, "In my house, the dealer always loses!" See what I meant about the bad puns before! Captain Planet should just stick to making flaming tornados. Skumm ends up in a river for some reason, probably because people falling into bodies of water is funny for a child. Not so much for me anymore, though.

The next day, all the crazy blissed-out zombie folk are getting medical attention, even Linka. Gi solemnly says, "They've got a long, hard fight ahead of them," and Wheeler tells us that "withdrawal is the worst kind of pain." Because, um, I don't know, DRUGSAREBAD! Even if they're sparkly!

Skumm crawls out of the river, swearing revenge on Captain Planet. Then he takes out a sandwich from his pocket, which is not only completely bizarre but also pretty unsanitary. I guess he must've laced it with bliss and forgotten or something, because he's shocked that he gets all strung out. Yeah, I don't really get it either. I never realised it, but Captain Planet kind-of blows. How disappointing.

Well, that's it for Captain Planet. (This episode, anyway.) Next time -- Ship to Shore!