The End Of An Era: Beverly Hills, 90210

Before I begin the real post, I have to say that I have more 90210 news, thanks once again to Jennie Garth and her fabulous Twitter account. Congratulations must go to Ian Ziering, aka the real life Steve Sanders, and his wife, who welcomed a baby girl a few days ago.

Firstly, I apologise for my absence of late. Me being me, I have a bunch of excuses, which I will outline for you later on, but I need to get this off my chest. I am, after all, having a crisis.

I was too young for Beverly Hills, 90210 when it first graced our screens in the nineties. I caught a few sneaky episodes when my parents were out of the room in later seasons, but it was pretty much a "big girl" show, and little ol' me was barred by the powers that be.


Thanks to the wonder of DVD and my local library, I've finally managed to watch this show. No, not "watch." That's too soft a word. More like "obsess over." I'm hooked -- hooked, I tell you! I've fallen in love with Brandon, fallen out of love with Dylan, looked up to Brenda, been thoroughly annoyed by Kelly, hated Silver, loved Silver (more on that later.) I'm a true 90210-phile. And now I'm up to the final disc of the final season.

 Sure, I haven't spent 10 years watching this show like obsessive 90210 fans of the appropriate age did, but this journey hasn't been a short one. In 2008, my library started collecting every season of the show up to season six, but being annoying and stupid, they broke them up into 2-disc parts and I had to borrow them individually, and trust me -- I could hardly ever get more than one of these parts at a time. I always had to wait for some schmuck to return it in order to find out what happened next. It was harrowing. I own a few seasons now, but still. Don't tell me I didn't put in the hard yards for these people.

But alas, I am almost done. It's almost over. And you guys, I'm sad about it. Empty. I mean, the show's nowhere as good as it was in the first few seasons. Shit, it's hardly the same show at all. So much has changed, so many characters have left, and so many have shown up seemingly out of nowhere, like certain ice-skating cousin/sisters nobody said a word about for eight seasons, but they're like a second family to me now. (Even the ice-dancing cousin/sister.) I can hardly believe that I won't be privy to their fabulous lives anymore. (And before you suggest it, let me say that I hate the new 90210 with a passion. That whole thing with Jackie Taylor, and Brenda coming back, and Kelly's baby daddy? Didn't happen. It's not canon. Just don't even talk to me about it.)

In honour of my final week as a 90210 viewer, I thought I'd take the time to share with you some of my favourite moments/characters/general 90210ness that I've enjoyed over the past ten seasons/three years of my life. Plus at the end, a bonus challenge for myself, and I suppose anyone else as insane as I. Are you ready? Here we go.

Although I have over 200 episodes to choose from, I have to make a decision, so here it is -- season three, episode 32: Commencement. I tossed up between this one and the prom episode, but this one wins out because of the ending. Andrea's valedictorian speech and Kelly's dad showing up and the ridiculous prank on the Hollywood sign, with the Triplets' 'Blood Is Thicker Than Water' playing in the background? So perfect. Perfecter than perfect.

Honourable Mention: Although I'm a purist at heart, I have to say that another of my favourite ever episodes actually comes from season ten -- Steve and Janet's wedding scavenger hunt. From the scavenger hunt partner-swapping to Dylan's onesie pyjamas to Gina and Silver's oddly-named lost dog. ("Who would name a dog Joan?" is one of my favourite Silver quotes of all time.) And, of course, the wedding.








Simultaneously the best and the most annoying showdown comes from season three, when Kelly and Dylan admit to Brenda that they dated while she was away in Paris. Brenda telling them where to go is priceless, but holy shit, the way that Kelly acts like it's not even slightly her fault? I wish Kelly could be a normal human being sometimes.

 Honourable Mention: Dylan versus Brandon, even though his punch accidentally landed on Steve's face. I guess I just really like it when Dylan hits people. Hey, speaking of Dylan...









Picture this: Scott Scanlon has just died. Sure, most of the gang don't know him very well -- he was just David Silver's nerdy friend, but he's dead. (And despite the fact that he didn't go to Scott's cringeworthy birthday party the night he died, Dylan still sorta knew him.) Anyway, my Dylan McKay highlight is during Scott's memorial, when he quietly turns to Brenda and says, "I don't mean to sound like an ass, but which one was Scott Scanlon? When you told me what happened, I thought it was that guy over there. Obviously, it's not." Brenda goes on to tell him that he was David Silver's friend, and he was in one of Dylan's classes last year. Dylan, now utterly devastated, says, "Oh my God, that guy?!" I know it's not supposed to be a particularly comedic episode, but that exchange is priceless Dylan.

Honourable Mention: No. Nope. Nothing. It was going to be that scene where he comforts Kelly after she was nearly raped at the Halloween party, because I thought it was just the sweetest thing ever when I first watched it. Then I saw the awful Kelly/Dylan sneaky love affair, and now it's ruined for me forever. Look what you did, Dylan. Your platonic friendship with Kelly is retroactively dead now, just like your BFF Scott Scanlon.








This one is for the character who I believe truly embodies the 90210 spirit of always giving people a second chance, despite how badly they may or may not deserve one. And nobody exemplifies this more than prodigal son David Silver, who went from being one of my least favourite characters in the history of television to one of my favourite. Apart from Steve Sanders, who I love with all my heart and soul, Silver dearest is one of the few characters that I'm completely loyal to. Every single time someone fights with him on the show, I mentally take his side. Except when he was fighting with Valerie, 'cause I didn't love him then quite like I do now. That's right, you guys. I love David Silver. I can barely believe it myself.

 Honourable Mentions: Gina Kinkaid. I had absolutely no interest in welcoming her to the 90210 family when she first arrived, simply because in my eyes she was a bastardised version of Valerie. She wasn't even good at being a Valerie, not like Valerie. Now she was the Valeriest. Anyway, I'm unashamed to say that as soon as she declared war on self-righteous Kelly, I was on Team Gina.

 Honourable Mention No. 2: Clare Arnold. Because seriously, did anyone like Clare when she first appeared on our screens for the sole purpose of sexually harassing Brandon? I think not. She was annoying and stupid and so annoying. But then she got with Steve, and she changed him, man. She was the one who truly turned him into a decent, loving boyfriend. She led the way for Carly, who in turn prepped him for a child-filled life with Janet by letting Steve bond with her son whose name I can never remember but just know that he was totally the kid Nicolas Cage killed in Face/Off.








Brenda and Dylan. Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan. Just...Brenda and Dylan. Screw off, Kelly.

Honourable Mention: Oddly enough, Silver and Valerie. The only reason they didn't steal top spot from the oft-dysfunctional Brenda and Dylan is because my favourite incarnation of the Silvalerie union was when they were pretending to date again in season eight. They really rocked that headboard...literally.









I try not to judge too harshly, considering that this is the nineties we're talking about here. Everyone looked horrendous, but Donna...well, she just looked ever so slightly more horrendous than most. Perhaps if she had stopped shopping in the children's department and actually wore a decent-sized shirt every once in a while, things wouldn't have to be like this. Plus, she was supposed to be a budding designer, so I was all the more critical on her.

 (Dis)honourable Mention: David "Mr. 180" Silver, because the guy had the opposite problem to Donna -- everything he owned, even his suits, was at least two sizes too big for him. And not in a cool nineties sort of way. In a he-most-likely-has-some-type-of-body-dysmorphia way. How I still love him regardless of this flaw is baffling.







Aw heck, let's just give it to Steve and Andrea. I'm well aware that they would've been terrible together, but surely after that sexually-charged SAT prep session in season one and their sexually-charged egg exchange in season two, surely you were at least curious? *Crickets* Just me then? Oookay. Awkward.

 Honourable Mention: Noah and Gina. I tend to not really like either of them when they're not actively pissing off Kelly, but there's something about them together that just feels right. Gina knew it. She totally wanted to gets in them finely-pressed Hunter slacks, but alas, it wasn't to be.








I want to say Kelly, I really do. If we were still in season six, I would say heck yes, Brandon and Kelly all the way. After all, they were so cute, and he was so not Dylan, which was perfect for her. But that got pretty old pretty quickly, didn't it? I guess I'm going to have to go out on a limb and pick the lovely Susan Keats, played by the future Mrs. Anya Jenkins herself, Emma Caulfield. They were incredibly well-suited to one another -- at least, before her hasty exit. And who do they replace her with? Some random wannabe journalist named Tracy who looked exactly like Susan. Don't even get me started.

Honourable Mention: Okay, I'll give it to Kelly.








At first I thought this was going to be a toughie, what with the multitude of examples that immediately sprung to mind, but it was actually a lot easier than that to choose the winner. You see, I watch soap operas. I can handle my share of bullshit. Cousins turning out to be sisters? Fine. Fathers coming back from the dead? No probs; I hear they do it all the time. The one storyline I could absolutely not swallow no matter how hard I tried, though, was Dylan discovering that he and Kelly knew each other in a past life. He was a cowboy, you say, scriptwriters? They were in the Wild West? Nope, sorry, not buying it. And coming from me, that's saying something.

 Honourable Mention: Steve and Janet being taken hostage at the Beverly Beat office by a butcher who'd captured a midget he thought was a leprechaun, and demanding his pot of gold. I was sure that I'd never take the show seriously after that. I mean, it is the circle of television life, after all. Fonzie jumped a shark, Steve and Janet had an armed butcher try to exchange a dwarf at a newspaper office. In the end they all learned a lesson, though, so it was okay.



Okay, now for the bonus round. I mentioned earlier that I had a lot of excuses as to why I haven't posted here for a while, but here's my most valid one -- I have been working a lot lately to fund my first ever overseas trip, and guess where I'm going? The United States. Including Los Angeles. And you know what else had a happy life over in Los Angeles, don't you? Why, Beverly Hills, 90210, naturally! So here's my challenge to myself: in honour of my fantasy BFF Steve Sanders and his real-life TV wife Janet, I'm doing my very own scavenger hunt of 90210 locations. Yes, with the assistance of my dear friend Google, I plan to find at least six locations actually used in the show. They are, in no particular order:

--The Walsh House. Because no 90210 pilgrimage is complete without visiting this ol' chestnut.
--Dylan's House. I've heard that they actually filmed in this house for the entire second season before building a replica on their soundstage. Luke Perry stood in their shower. Must. Go. There. (Not to the shower, though, because that would be creepy.)
--Carly/David's White House With Blue Trim. Just in case the little kid from Face/Off is still around, because if I can convince anyone to introduce me to John Travolta, I feel like it might be him.
--Donna and Kelly's Beach Apartment. I have to know if it's still that horrible blue colour in real life.
--West Beverly High, aka Sunnydale High, Rancho Carne High, John Hughes High, Paul Walker Is A Douchebag High and whatever it was called in Whatever It Takes.
--The Peach Pit. No explanation necessary.




Wish me happy hunting, y'all, and see you in Beverly Hills!

"Google, you're completely shit."

Oh yeah, it's Google Analytics day again, also known as "one of the many days Lorelai is lazy and doesn't post an actual proper recap," which are becoming more and more frequent. Don't worry, my recapping days aren't over, not even by a long shot. (In fact, I'm watching Babar on ABC Kids right now!) I've just been really swamped with Real Life lately. God, that Real Life. Anyway.

Some of my favourite search terms are questions. Not the crazy ramblings, not the need for kinky, often scarring pornography. The questions. It's what search engines were created for, right? Ask Jeeves even had the word "ask" right there in the name. And while my humble little blog can't answer all the questions you at home crave the answers to, well heck, I can try.

was heath ledger in round the twist
He was not, no. There are actually a lot of differently worded search tearms asking this question, and the answer to all of them is 'no.'

was maggie wheeler in home alone 2
Nope. Don't know why you'd ask, but nope.

were the new kids on the block ever on sesame street
Good question. I'm not entirely sure. I suppose I could Google it and find out for you, but that's what got us in this mess in the first place, isn't it?

what accent lulu from bananas in pyjamas
Don't know. Maybe somewhere around where you're from, Mr. Broken English.

what do children do in a weekend club
I have no idea.

was the blind piano teacher in 90210 really blind
Uh, yeah. Like Heath Ledger, the blind piano teacher from 90210 gets a lot of love from the Googlers, but this was the only one questioning the authenticitity of her disability. She did seem awfully shifty...

what did madeline's best friend chloe go to hospital in the madeline violin
I remember that Chloe once had a broken arm, so...I think that's what you're asking, but I'm not entirely positive. Just when I think I've got it, bam -- you go and throw 'violin' in there.

what is anatomically incorrect with sebastian in the little mermaid
What an insightful question, friend. Truthfully, I know very little about crustaceans. You might have to ask, like, a scientist or something.

what makes captain planet successful
The level of stupidity inherent in this question differs depending on whether you think this person is referring to Captain Planet the show, or Captain Planet the captain. If it's the latter, well, what an idiot -- there is nothing succesful about Captain Planet the captain. He's not even a real captain! Where's his ship?!

what year did bananas in pyjamas come out
This is just the greatest great to ever great. Unless it's a serious question, in which case, the world is doomed.

who wanted to fuck lizzie mcguire?
Son, please don't use a search engine to try and validate your creepy preteen pining. Google is serious business.

why is antarctica sunny all the time
Um...nope, got nothin'.

Okay, Q&A part over. Now feel free to mindlessly enjoy a bunch of crazy, oft times disturbing, search terms from the people of Teh Internet:

cookie monster snorts cookies t-shirt
If this is a real thing, I want it so hard.

20 years ladyfuk dancing
Yeah, you go, lady! Fuck dancing indeed! It's a pointles pastime, regardless of age!

90210 silver black guy
Seems innocent enough until you begin to really think about it...

90s kids shows with kids who sang songs
Let me think for a min-- oh yeah, that's right, it was every 90s kids show ever.

ariel and manta, fanfiction
Like Silver and DeShawn up there, this one gets creepier with thought.

nickelodeon pierced contest 90s
Is this an actual thing they did? I really want to know how one judges a pierced contest.

1990s show man singing in woods
That was your nightmares.

abc not just for kids lorelai dumb-ass
Wow, hey thanks, man! That's...yeah. No, I feel really good about myself now. It's probably the person who took great offence to the fact that I failed to recognise Shrek as being a Dreamworks movie that one time.

bomb 1 leg country
Is this a threat? Because I don't take kindly to threats I don't understand.

camping school toilet shovel
I really like the idea that there's such a thing as a "camping school." Or, for that matter, a "toilet shovel."

captain planet douchebag
Try saying that to his face.

dad fuck ariel the mermaid
Does not compute.

did the alphaquest song make anyone cry
I...well, truth be told, I have no evidence either confirming or debunking that myth.

dirt, ice-cream
Don't confuse 'em.

disney channel veronica saddle club who is this terrible girl
The idea that someone was so horrified by Veronica DiAngelo that they took to Google to provide answers actually makes me laugh.

fear the bananas in pyjamas
...for they will one day be your masters.

fanfiction appendicitis
Why do I predict this will end with a story about waking up in a bathtub full of ice feeling slightly lighter on your right side?

fic verminous scumm
Verminous Skumm fanfiction? Really? Of all the...really?

fuck my kid hard little girl
Nope, not happening, Google.

google, you're completely shit
Yeah, that's right. The title of my blog post is an actual search term.

hermes andarkis picture AND hermes endakis photo
One question: why?

ian ziering hairline
It will never escape him.

jane sibbet bra; jane sibbet dressed ripped AND jane sibbet rape of a tourist
Jane Sibbet, for the love of God, tone it down! I thought we talked about this last time!

leonardo dicaprio in saddle club
People: Veronica may have resembed him, but Leo DiCaprio himself never guest-starred on The Saddle Club. The crazy amount of search terms relating to this blew my mind.

lizzie mcguire, gordo fuck
No, actually, I don't think they ever did that.

lizzy wet the bed
Suddenly Lizzy regrets teaching her mother how to use the Internet.

octopus fucks mermaid
Oh hey, sea creature porn. At least we know there can't be anything more sick than that today--

rugrats all grown up incest
LALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING YOU PEOPLE LALALA!

say no to bomb for kids
Oh, faulty syntax. I don't understand! Are we against bombing the kids or giving the kids bombs? Because I have vastly different opinions on both those topics.

stevie from the saddle club and how to act like her
It's a two-step process: bend over, insert stick.

sunny lane saddle face sit
Random words do not an acceptable Google search term make.

the fish wants to squish drugs
Considering all the octopus fucking and mermaid incest I now know goes on under the sea, I'm not surprised you'd want to take at least some control back. No hope with dope, Random Vigilante Fish!

the swan princess rothbart rape?
I gotta say, the question mark really throws me. What seems like yet another cry for oddly specific cartoon porn could actually be a legitimate, innocent question...or at least, words sort-of resembling a sentence...if you squint.

tiffani thiessen/hand amputee
Two phrases you just wouldn't think anyone would Google together.

ughhnnnnhioj,,../l,c, c
You're just not trying anymore, Google Analytics.

Captain Planet: A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find

You guys. You guys. As you may know, I've dealt with Captain Planet on this blog before, but not like this. Never like this. I'll bet you thought the strange, almost careless way the Planeteers dealt with drugs was bad, but this, my friends? This is infinitely worse.

Captain Planet is taking on the Fuhrer. That's right. Motherflipping Hitler. I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy, in which way are they going to fuck up a very serious topic like war today?" The answer is all the ways. They fuck it up all the ways they possibly can.



The title of this episode is 'A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find', so I know have the Culture Club's 'A Good Heart' in my head. Thanks a lot, Captain P. Dr. Blight and MAL are hanging out in their jet, scheming their little hearts out. And you know what the presence of MAL means, don't you? It means more Tim Curry. Be still, my heart. Dr. Blight is unveiling her new time travel transporter, and as a test run, she brings her future self here from 2035 or thereabouts. Note: the good doctor does not age well. She doesn't even have her awesome pink suit anymore! She also has a flying MAL replacement, named GAL. Dr. Future Blight (as MAL calls her) complains about how everyone in her time is peace-loving. There are hardly any wars at all! Doesn't seem fair, does it? Dr. Future Blight gets a brilliant idea -- if she can somehow procure a nuclear bomb from this time period, she can go back to the future (hee!) and create a brand new arms race for Fall-Out Boy to sing about.

Dr. Blight and her motley crew fly to Germany and steal plutonium from a plutonium truck. No, really, they do. There's a plutonium truck going down a road, and they jack it and steal all the plutonium. Germany, if this was your security strategy in the forties as well, it doesn't come as a shock to me that you lost.

Back at Hope Island, the Planeteers are hearing about the stolen plutonium on the news. Linka says something in Russian that sounds like "bullshit" (but very cleverly isn't), and Gaia waxes lyrical for a moment about how the real victims of war are the innocent civilians who have to live on contaminated land and whatnot. I find it very hard to listen to what she's saying, because she's not being voiced by Whoopi Goldberg as per usual. In fact, Dr. Blight is no longer Meg Ryan, either! I suppose this must be a later-season episode, because the Planeteers are wearing new clothes and Gi's had some sort of extreme makeover. I guess she's sick of playing second fiddle to the impossibly sexy Linka.

The Drs. Blight are on their way back home...wherever they live. MAL declares that the ship is above maximum capacity because apparently plutonium's heavy. I wouldn't know; I've never really stolen plutonium before. (I guess I'm old-fashioned that way.) The jet starts to flip out, and Dr. Blight declares that they have to lighten the load, and then for some reason has a bitch-fight with her future self. It's just...I don't even know what happened. One minute they were talking about the jet's capacity, the next they're fighting one another, even though they're the same frickin' person. Then all of a sudden they stop fighting. That's...well, great, I guess, but I'm so confused. Why is any of this happening? To avoid crashing to their deaths, Dr. Blight and her future self transport themselves, GAL and the plutonium back World War II-era Germany. MAL presumably goes down with the ship, exploding in a fiery electrical death. Oh, Tim Curry. You deserve so much better.

The Planeteers make their way to present-day Germany via geo-cruiser, to investigate that whole plutonium-napping thing, I guess. Suddenly they get caught up in an electrical storm, and like always, are forced to call Captain Planet because they can't do anything for themselves. He tells the gang that they're caught in a warp in the space-time continuum, which is actually a really cool thing to know offhand like that. He says, "I think I can repel the storm. Just don't tell anyone about my repulsive personality." Oh, Captain Planet and his puns. Nobody with a mullet should ever be that cocky.

The Planeteer jet lands safely, but is accosted by a bunch of German soldiers. They are told to put their hands up and surrender, and they do so...even Captain Planet. Aw jeez, Cappy, you're a fucking superhero. Fly away already! The commander says that they must be part of the terrorist gang who nabbed the plutonium. They talk about Dr. Blight for a bit, then Captain Planet makes a joke about plutonium and bad doctors that I for the life of me do not understand, and then Captain P finally remembers that he has superpowers and zaps the Germans. Or something. I'm not really sure what Captain Planet's powers are specifically, just that he always seems to have the exact power he needs at the exact time he needs it. How he still manages to fail as a superhero is baffling.

Back on the geo-cruiser, Linka remarks that the way the soldiers were talking made it sound like there were two Dr. Blights. Gaia's big floaty head appears out of nowhere and tells them that there are two Dr. Blights, and one's from the future. Gaia, if you seriously know everything, why don't you be the superhero, huh? So useless. Plus, this new Gaia has a strange, Holly Hunter-esque voice. I find her cold. Then we get this:

Gaia: "They're in the past altering history to ensure a war-filled future. Or is it present?
Captain Planet: "That explains the time warp we were caught in!"

No, Captain P. No, it doesn't. At all. Gaia tells the kids that they have to stop the Drs. Blight before it's too late, and Captain Planet reiterates that the power is theirs and fucks off somewhere. Because -- what? Gaia literally tells the Planeteers that they have to stop two women who are actually the same women who are also in a completely different time period than they are, and Captain Planet's all, "Alrighty then, have fun with that. Let me know how it goes." Is that seriously what just happened? Captain Planet, you're the worst. You are not, as the theme song, suggests, a hero. You're on the Ma-Ti level of uselessness right now. That's the lowest level!

Back in WWII, Dr. Blight and Dr. Future Blight are having a bomb-building contest. Dr. Blight is exceptionally proud of her bomb, which is bigger that her future self's. They plan to sell the bomb to a certain unnamed evil dictator for a shitload of money, even though they're clearly American and the enemy. Why the leader of Germany would ever buy weapons from these people is beyond me.



The Planeteers find Dr. Blight's ship in some Indonesian country. The natives are apparently unused to geo-cruisers landing in their village. Gi leads the way to the wreckage, but all of a sudden, a village girl leaps out of nowhere, pushing Gi aside as an explosion goes off. The girl gets up and explains that it was a landmine left over from a war. Oh, and she only has one leg. Yep, a landmine got her way back when. I'm feeling a whole lot of uncomfortable right now, because Captain Planet doesn't exactly treat sensitive issues like these particularly well. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong. The girl tells us how she was playing here one day, and she and her friend ran into a landmine. She lived, but her friend died, because what's a Very Special Episode of Captain Planet without some sort of unfortunate death? The girl offers to lead the Planeteers to the crash site of Dr. Blight's jet. None of them think to say, "Oh no, one-legged girl, that's quite all right. You see, we're quasi-superpeople who have rings that control the elements. Please, don't trouble yourself." Of course they don't. They let the amputee lead the way, straight to possible -- nay, probable -- danger. Good lookin' out, guys.

Back in Germany, the Drs. Blight have somehow set up a meeting with a bunch of heads of state, including Hitler. Only he's totally not Hitler, people. Nobody ever calls him Hitler. He just looks and sounds exactly like Hitler, and rules a country that was most definitely ruled by Hitler during this point in history. But he has a handlebar moustache, not that little postage stamp thing Hitler usually rocked. Therefore it can't be Hitler, and nobody gets sued. Dr. Future Blight tells them that this bomb is so powerful, it makes all other bombs look like toys. I'm sorry, but...did Dr. Blight just invent the atom bomb? Is that what I'm supposed to be getting from this episode? Because...wow. That's just wow. Some other European stereotype calls bullshit, saying that such technology hasn't been invented yet. Dr. Blight reveals that they're from the future, and somehow this makes all the dictators trust them even more.

To prove their point, the good doctors detonate a bomb as a demonstration. In...in Germany? Is that really a good idea? You just blew up a village in Hitler's own country. And also, if you can see the mushroom cloud, you're probably standing too close. For some reason, the Fuhrer loves the demonstration. He maniacally says, "I bid seventy-five million deutschmarks on this atom bomb." Okay, so it's definitely an atom bomb. Wrong side, Blighty. Dr. Future Blight's reaction: "Heil Fuhrer, baby!" Dude, if that was the real Hitler, you'd so be choking on about sixty bullets right now.

Back in the little Asian village, Wheeler is oh-so-sensitively asking the village girl what sort of burgers they have around here. Sigh. Wheeler, you can see that they're living in fucking huts. It's a third-world country, and you're making a one-legged girl feel like shit right now. You douchebag. The kids find Dr. Blights ship, and holy day -- MAL survived the crash! After threatening to shut him down permanently, MAL tells the Planeteers about Dr. Blight's plan to sell atomic bombs to Biker!Hitler. Ma-Ti declares, "We cannot let that happen!" Ma-Ti, be quiet and let the adults talk. The gang decide to use the time machine to stop the Blights.

War time again. France and Germany are locked in a bidding war for the atom bomb, and Hitler yells, "Stop bidding against me or I will invade YOU!" Is that supposed to be a German invasion joke, really? Besides, I'm pretty sure France is already invaded by now. France surrenders to Hitler like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we know they are. The Planeteers arrive just in time, and Linka, queen of the understatement, calls Hitler a barbarian. Hitler says nothing, I suspect because she's relatively Aryan-looking. Eventually he arrests them all. Like you didn't see that one coming. I mean, two of them are black and one of them's an Asian, for goodness' sake! Oh, and he arrests the Blights as well, because why wouldn't he? He's bloody Hitler. Why would he pay over a billion dollars for a bomb he can just take? After all, "Ze Fuhrer does not barter. He CONQUERS!" And yells out words at the end of his SENTENCES! Dr. Future Blight yells at her younger self for telling her they could trust this guy. Hey Dr. Future Blight, if you're from the future and all, how did you not know this was going to happen? And also, trusting Hitler? Even I could've told you that was a bad idea. They get into another tussle, and this one ends in Dr. Future Blight accidentally setting turning on the timer for the atom bomb. Um, well, fuck, I guess. That can't not end badly.

The Planeteers call on Captain Planet, but not before Ma-Ti elbows Hitler in the head. Think about how ludicrous that is for a second. Ma-Ti, ruler of Feeb World, just tried to knock out the Fuhrer. Captain Planet arrives and comes face-to-face with Hitler, who isn't unconscious or anything. Ma-Ti didn't even bruise him. Suddenly Captain P gets the sweats and doubles over in pain. You know why? Because "I wasn't prepared for the level of hate radiating from that monster!" Read a fucking history book every once in a while, Cappy. And also, I can't believe that his kryptonite is hate. Hate! Doesn't that mean his enemies can kill him just by being there? I'm pretty sure they don't exactly love him.

Captain Planet manages to muster up enough strength to grab the bomb and take it to outer space before it explodes. Because fuck Mars; what has it done for us lately? The bomb explodes in space, and sends Captain Planet hurtling back to earth, spouting some lame bullshit about there being no such thing as a good bomb. Not even an atomic blast can shut this guy up. The Germans surrender to a bunch of American soldiers who just appear out of nowhere, and I guess Hitler gets arrested. Captain Planet just unashamedly rewrote history. I sure hope no kids watched this and bragged to their teachers at school the next day about how World War II was ended by a shiny silver man with a green mullet.

The time portal opens, and the Planeteers (and the Blights) rush back to the future, but not before the village girl writes a note and gives it to one of the soldiers. Was she there the whole time? Why did they even bring her? She only has one leg; was it really necessary to drag her to a war zone? Before Captain Planet pushes her into the portal, Dr. Blight offers the American soldiers a look at her atomic bomb recipe book for a price, but drops it just before they're all teleported back to the future. The American soldier picks it up and says that he'd better give it to their "science boys", because it could be important. Wow, okay, are you trying to imply that Dr. Blight is directly responsible for Hiroshima? Because that exchange can't mean anything but that...right? It's like one of those cute little scenes in time travel movies where someone accidentally alters history in a cute little way that makes the audience go, "Ah! I see what you did there!" Like Marty McFly giving Chuck Berry 'Johnny B. Good', except ha ha, this time it killed tens of thousands of people. Nice freakin' going.

Back in the present, Captain Planet makes the Drs. Blight de-mine the village, and they actually do it for some reason. Oh, and MAL and GAL fall in love, even though GAL is MAL's upgrade in the future, so he's kinda making out with himself. (Yes, the robots make out. That is so not the weirdest part of this episode.) The village girl tells the Planeteers that she'll guide them back to the geo-cruiser, because apparently she hasn't done quite enough for them today, and -- holy crap, she has two legs now! Everyone's like, "How in pluperfect hell did that happen?" and the girl tells them that the letter she gave to the soldier was to be given to her grandparents, warning them of the dangers of the minefield. I hope that means her poor friend's alive now, too. Gi ends the episode by reminding is that if we pay attention to the future, we don't have to repeat our mistakes. Or something. She completely missed the point, but I was pretty much expecting her to.

And...well, that's it. Captain Planet meets Hitler. I'm not buying that there was actually any substantial message in that episode, though. I'm pretty sure they just discovered that someone in the cast could do a gnarly Hitler impression, and wondered how they could profit from it. In any case, that episode actually aired on normal person TV at some point. Just...just think about that for a second. Humanity is well and truly doomed.

T-Bag and the Pearls Of Wisdom: Pilot

Woot, there are embeddable YouTube videos! The sound quality is appalling, but since it's a miracle that someone actually shared this episode with the modern world, I'm not going to be too picky. Plus, this is the very first episode, so I don't have to waste time giving you any sort of back-story.





Sally Simpkins, dressed in the cute pink overalls I remember oh-so-well, walks into the game shop where T-Shirt works and asks him if she wants to hang out with her. Um, doesn't she remember that he's T-Bag's right-hand man? I know he's got some good in him, but I wouldn't exactly be seeking him out for a playdate. T-Shirt says that he can't; he's too busy working. While helping him clear a bunch of stuff off the table, Sally finds a magical board game called the Pearls of Wisdom. She decides that the best thing to do when dealing with a crazy, life-of-its-own board game is to roll the dice -- and surprise surprise, they come up with three Ts. (Not an easy feat when playing craps, let me tell you.) With the aid of some truly craptacular special effects, Sally is teleported into the board game! Oh noes!

Sally is now at a harbour of some sort, when the friendly Captain Cockle happens by. He says to her, "Ooh, you'll do, yes, you'll do nicely," and I'm sorry, but ew. Children, when a strange old man comes up to you and says anything like that, RUN. Don't think twice, just fucking run away before he drags you into his kidnap van. Sally, who apparently has never heard of stranger danger, sticks around as the captain offers her a peppermint. NO! Sally, this man is sizing you up, saying that "you'll do", and luring you with candy! Don't take it! Get the fuck out of there!

Captain Cockle goes on and on about the seven seas and whatnot, and perhaps it's the crappy sound quality, but I don't understand a word he's saying. Neither does Sally, but not even this guy's crazy babbling gets her to leave the scene immediately. Captain Cockle tells her that the world has gone topsy-turvy, and Sally actually enquires as to what he's talking about. I wonder if she does this with every pamphlet-toting, soul-saving Jesus freak she comes across on the streets. Oh, and Captain Cockle knows her name. STALKER!! I know he's a good guy and everything, but this isn't really giving kids the right message, if you know what I mean.

The Captain begins to tell Sally what happened to him last night -- apparently, he was in town when he saw a woman looking lost. Because he's a skeevy old man, he decides he's going to, uh, help her on her way. The woman says she's looking for somewhere to stay, and he tells her she can stay with him. Of course he bloody well does. After he offers her a cup of tea, the mystery woman finally accepts. Get it? Tea? I think we all know how this is going to turn out.

In the lighthouse (where Captain Cockle lives), the Captain is going on and on about his old sailing stories, and the lady is bored stupid. Then he randomly pulls out a pot plant from a trunk. Um, right. How it manages to stay alive inside a trunk is a miracle. The lady is hypnotised by this biology-defying pot plant, and Captain Cockle is so worried, he goes to fetch a doctor, leaving this crazy lady alone inside his house. Why is everyone in kids' TV shows so damn trusting?

The woman throws Captain Cockle's trust right back in his bearded face, because she locks him out of the lighthouse. Apparently he spent the night roaming the streets, until he came upon Sally. Wow, that's sad, and I suppose a much better stranger danger warning. He offers her a peppermint again. I wonder if they'll come in handy later on, say, in the final episode when he needs something that looks like the pearls to trick T-Bag into thinking he destroyed them? Only time will tell.

Sally asks Captain Cockle what sort of plant it was that made the mystery lady all crazy-like, and he says it was a T-plant. Sally's like, "Holy shit, T-Bag's back!"

Back at the shop, T-Shirt returns to see that Sally's gone missing, and the board game is now laid out on the table. He's like, "Oh, crap."

In the lighthouse, T-Bag is fondling her T-plant (it's really the only way to put it), calling it her "evil weed." Whenever she touches it, we cut back to T-Shirt in the shop, and eventually he disappears and teleports in the lighthouse. T-Shirt breaks into a random confession whereby he tells this insane lady that he went to some sort of T-academy before working for T-Bag. (As in Tallulah.) The new T-Bag's like, "She's my sister, now tell me more about this plant." T-Shirt tells her that the plant is magical, but won't say any more because he remembers how EVIL Tallulah Bag was. Tabatha tells him that Tallulah disgraced the whole Bag family by being so EVIL, and if only there were a way she could right all of Tallulah's EVIL wrongs. Don't fall for it, T-Shirt! It's a trick!

T-Shirt's like, "No way, bitch, I'm not falling for that one," and T-Bag convinces him by saying (and I quote), "Oh please, I'm GOOD!" Ohh, you're good, you say? Well then sure, I don't see why not. Have some magical tea. Of course, the second she drinks it, her clothes change into that EVIL burnt-orange ballgown thing she wears. See, T-Shirt, this is what you get for being an easily-led dumb shit.

T-Shirt realises what a terrible mistake he’s made, and tries to leave, but she magics him into staying. And whose fault is that, T-Shirt, huh? The boy appears to be under some sort of trance, and T-Bag's orgasming over her brand new powers. Which, you know, is a fair enough reaction. I'd be pretty jazzed too if I could control anything and everything by simply pointing my finger. I wouldn't have to go all the way to the kitchen to get some chips, for one.

T-Bag and I apparently think alike (she's kind-of win, so I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing), because she decides she'll use her new powers to conjure up some cake. Instead, she gets a snake. Okay, T-Bag, I daresay those powers of yours need a bit more honing. T-Shirt tells her to "think it away," and when she tries to, she accidentally thinks T-Shirt away. Good. He's not exactly useful, now is he?

Sally has just finished telling Captain Cockle all about the horror that was Tallulah Bag, and he's freaking out slightly. Suddenly, T-Shirt appears out of nowhere and scares the shit out of them both. Hee! Sally calls him Thomas, and he replies, "I'm T-Shirt, loyal tea caddy to Her Majesty." Hmm, I need to get me one of those. He yells out (hoping T-Bag can hear him) to "beam me up, Scotty." Because who doesn't love a Star Trek reference when they're three years old? Sally admits that they're all in big, big trouble.

T-Bag finally gets rid of the snake, and gets her cake. Yay for T-Bag! Then she gives T-Shirt some of her magic. Um, for what fucking reason, T-Bag? T-Shirt seems to be borderline retarded, and you're going to make him superhuman? Bravo for logic!

Sally tells Captain Cockle that if T-Bag is as powerful as her sister, then the world is her oyster. Captain Cockle clicks. (Fun with alliteration!) Before he can fill us in on his brainwave, T-Bag appears before them. (Her teleportation skills still need a little work.) She calls Captain Cockle the "bore of the century" and then demands to know who Sally is. Sally says, "you'll find out soon enough." Say what you want about Sally, but bitch has got an attitude and a half.

Sally mentions that she knows Tallulah. The current T-Bag grandly says, "she was my sister," and Sally awesomely snarks back, "well she had a habit of bossing people around," mocking the way T-Bag talks. Damn, this girl has some huge cahones. I would so not be talking like that to an insane woman who just appeared from thin air. (Still eating her cake.) Captain Cockle asks T-Bag to at least give him his stuff back, and she conjures it up. Which is kind-of nice of her. Good work with the evilness there, T-Bag. I’m quaking in my boots.

When T-Bag leaves, Captain Cockle goes to his trunk and takes out a little bag of something. (The cynic in me thinks it's drugs, but the three-year-old in me remembers that it's the pearls.) He gives Sally a clock-type thing with nine little round holes where the pearls sit. He doesn't tell her a whole lot, which is kind-of baffling, considering. Plus, what was the purpose of him knowing her name before if he didn't know anything else about the situation? What an odd show.

T-Bag returns to her new T-room, and uses her magic to add in some new furniture. T-Shirt says they ought to do the "saucer trick", which is where she uses the saucer to see what Sally's up to. Good work, T-Shirt, you braindead little traitor. She sees that Sally and Captain Cockle are trying to put the pearls onto the clock thing. T-Shirt's like, "What are they doing?" and T-Bag doesn't care. Way to be an evil genius, T-Bag. It's actually T-Shirt who insists that they get down there. I can't believe fucking T-Shirt is the brains behind this operation. What is the world coming to?

Captain Cockle finally does some explaining. He says that once all nine pearls are in place, "the light of wisdom will shine out of the north, the south, the east and the west," and all the evil in the world will go kablooey. Man, if I had that kind of crap in my possession...let's just say I can think of seven ways to abuse that power just off the top of my head. Sally tells him to hurry up and put the last pearl in place, but of course, T-Bag and T-Shirt arrive to spoil the party.

Captain Cockle manages to put the last pearl in place, and T-Bag starts to fade. Ah, early nineties special effects. Of course, since this is only the first episode, there's no way we can destroy our villain already! T-Bag manages to grab the last pearl, but it burns her. Oh noes! T-Bag uses her magic to make all but one pearl disappear, and she's like, "Eh, that's enough evil for one day" and buggers off home. Captain Cockle rejoices in the fact that they have at least one pearl, but Sally laments that the others have been destroyed. The Captain's like, "Nuh-uh, you can't destroy the pearls of wisdom!" Sally realises that it's her job to find them all, like always. She acts like this is a big huge chore. Look Sally, save humanity or don't save humanity, just don't fucking bitch about it.

T-Bag's watching the whole thing unfold on her magic saucer, vowing that Sally aka "Miss Perfect Pants" will not have an easy time getting those pearls. It's a good enough threat, but I don't know if overalls can be classified as pants. End of episode.

Ohh, I totally remember the previews at the end! Allow me to give you a word-for-word transcript of what the narrator says, because it's just to deliciously lame:

"In the next episode, Sally travels west to find the next missing pearl."
(Or perhaps the first missing pearl, Narrator?)

"Will T-Bag get her hands on it first?"
(Hmm, I'm gonna go with 'no'.)

"Is Sally really a bank robber?"
(Again, 'no' seems like the right answer here.)

"And who is the mysterious stranger who rides into town?"
(Well, uh, it sure looks a helluva lot like T-Shirt. Mystery solved.)

Wow, that was so not as exciting as my three-year-old self remembers. How is it possible that this was my favourite show? Kids really are like little crack addicts.


In the next crack-like post, we take a trip to everyone's favourite street...Sesame Street!