Captain Planet: A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find

You guys. You guys. As you may know, I've dealt with Captain Planet on this blog before, but not like this. Never like this. I'll bet you thought the strange, almost careless way the Planeteers dealt with drugs was bad, but this, my friends? This is infinitely worse.

Captain Planet is taking on the Fuhrer. That's right. Motherflipping Hitler. I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy, in which way are they going to fuck up a very serious topic like war today?" The answer is all the ways. They fuck it up all the ways they possibly can.



The title of this episode is 'A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find', so I know have the Culture Club's 'A Good Heart' in my head. Thanks a lot, Captain P. Dr. Blight and MAL are hanging out in their jet, scheming their little hearts out. And you know what the presence of MAL means, don't you? It means more Tim Curry. Be still, my heart. Dr. Blight is unveiling her new time travel transporter, and as a test run, she brings her future self here from 2035 or thereabouts. Note: the good doctor does not age well. She doesn't even have her awesome pink suit anymore! She also has a flying MAL replacement, named GAL. Dr. Future Blight (as MAL calls her) complains about how everyone in her time is peace-loving. There are hardly any wars at all! Doesn't seem fair, does it? Dr. Future Blight gets a brilliant idea -- if she can somehow procure a nuclear bomb from this time period, she can go back to the future (hee!) and create a brand new arms race for Fall-Out Boy to sing about.

Dr. Blight and her motley crew fly to Germany and steal plutonium from a plutonium truck. No, really, they do. There's a plutonium truck going down a road, and they jack it and steal all the plutonium. Germany, if this was your security strategy in the forties as well, it doesn't come as a shock to me that you lost.

Back at Hope Island, the Planeteers are hearing about the stolen plutonium on the news. Linka says something in Russian that sounds like "bullshit" (but very cleverly isn't), and Gaia waxes lyrical for a moment about how the real victims of war are the innocent civilians who have to live on contaminated land and whatnot. I find it very hard to listen to what she's saying, because she's not being voiced by Whoopi Goldberg as per usual. In fact, Dr. Blight is no longer Meg Ryan, either! I suppose this must be a later-season episode, because the Planeteers are wearing new clothes and Gi's had some sort of extreme makeover. I guess she's sick of playing second fiddle to the impossibly sexy Linka.

The Drs. Blight are on their way back home...wherever they live. MAL declares that the ship is above maximum capacity because apparently plutonium's heavy. I wouldn't know; I've never really stolen plutonium before. (I guess I'm old-fashioned that way.) The jet starts to flip out, and Dr. Blight declares that they have to lighten the load, and then for some reason has a bitch-fight with her future self. It's just...I don't even know what happened. One minute they were talking about the jet's capacity, the next they're fighting one another, even though they're the same frickin' person. Then all of a sudden they stop fighting. That's...well, great, I guess, but I'm so confused. Why is any of this happening? To avoid crashing to their deaths, Dr. Blight and her future self transport themselves, GAL and the plutonium back World War II-era Germany. MAL presumably goes down with the ship, exploding in a fiery electrical death. Oh, Tim Curry. You deserve so much better.

The Planeteers make their way to present-day Germany via geo-cruiser, to investigate that whole plutonium-napping thing, I guess. Suddenly they get caught up in an electrical storm, and like always, are forced to call Captain Planet because they can't do anything for themselves. He tells the gang that they're caught in a warp in the space-time continuum, which is actually a really cool thing to know offhand like that. He says, "I think I can repel the storm. Just don't tell anyone about my repulsive personality." Oh, Captain Planet and his puns. Nobody with a mullet should ever be that cocky.

The Planeteer jet lands safely, but is accosted by a bunch of German soldiers. They are told to put their hands up and surrender, and they do so...even Captain Planet. Aw jeez, Cappy, you're a fucking superhero. Fly away already! The commander says that they must be part of the terrorist gang who nabbed the plutonium. They talk about Dr. Blight for a bit, then Captain Planet makes a joke about plutonium and bad doctors that I for the life of me do not understand, and then Captain P finally remembers that he has superpowers and zaps the Germans. Or something. I'm not really sure what Captain Planet's powers are specifically, just that he always seems to have the exact power he needs at the exact time he needs it. How he still manages to fail as a superhero is baffling.

Back on the geo-cruiser, Linka remarks that the way the soldiers were talking made it sound like there were two Dr. Blights. Gaia's big floaty head appears out of nowhere and tells them that there are two Dr. Blights, and one's from the future. Gaia, if you seriously know everything, why don't you be the superhero, huh? So useless. Plus, this new Gaia has a strange, Holly Hunter-esque voice. I find her cold. Then we get this:

Gaia: "They're in the past altering history to ensure a war-filled future. Or is it present?
Captain Planet: "That explains the time warp we were caught in!"

No, Captain P. No, it doesn't. At all. Gaia tells the kids that they have to stop the Drs. Blight before it's too late, and Captain Planet reiterates that the power is theirs and fucks off somewhere. Because -- what? Gaia literally tells the Planeteers that they have to stop two women who are actually the same women who are also in a completely different time period than they are, and Captain Planet's all, "Alrighty then, have fun with that. Let me know how it goes." Is that seriously what just happened? Captain Planet, you're the worst. You are not, as the theme song, suggests, a hero. You're on the Ma-Ti level of uselessness right now. That's the lowest level!

Back in WWII, Dr. Blight and Dr. Future Blight are having a bomb-building contest. Dr. Blight is exceptionally proud of her bomb, which is bigger that her future self's. They plan to sell the bomb to a certain unnamed evil dictator for a shitload of money, even though they're clearly American and the enemy. Why the leader of Germany would ever buy weapons from these people is beyond me.



The Planeteers find Dr. Blight's ship in some Indonesian country. The natives are apparently unused to geo-cruisers landing in their village. Gi leads the way to the wreckage, but all of a sudden, a village girl leaps out of nowhere, pushing Gi aside as an explosion goes off. The girl gets up and explains that it was a landmine left over from a war. Oh, and she only has one leg. Yep, a landmine got her way back when. I'm feeling a whole lot of uncomfortable right now, because Captain Planet doesn't exactly treat sensitive issues like these particularly well. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong. The girl tells us how she was playing here one day, and she and her friend ran into a landmine. She lived, but her friend died, because what's a Very Special Episode of Captain Planet without some sort of unfortunate death? The girl offers to lead the Planeteers to the crash site of Dr. Blight's jet. None of them think to say, "Oh no, one-legged girl, that's quite all right. You see, we're quasi-superpeople who have rings that control the elements. Please, don't trouble yourself." Of course they don't. They let the amputee lead the way, straight to possible -- nay, probable -- danger. Good lookin' out, guys.

Back in Germany, the Drs. Blight have somehow set up a meeting with a bunch of heads of state, including Hitler. Only he's totally not Hitler, people. Nobody ever calls him Hitler. He just looks and sounds exactly like Hitler, and rules a country that was most definitely ruled by Hitler during this point in history. But he has a handlebar moustache, not that little postage stamp thing Hitler usually rocked. Therefore it can't be Hitler, and nobody gets sued. Dr. Future Blight tells them that this bomb is so powerful, it makes all other bombs look like toys. I'm sorry, but...did Dr. Blight just invent the atom bomb? Is that what I'm supposed to be getting from this episode? Because...wow. That's just wow. Some other European stereotype calls bullshit, saying that such technology hasn't been invented yet. Dr. Blight reveals that they're from the future, and somehow this makes all the dictators trust them even more.

To prove their point, the good doctors detonate a bomb as a demonstration. In...in Germany? Is that really a good idea? You just blew up a village in Hitler's own country. And also, if you can see the mushroom cloud, you're probably standing too close. For some reason, the Fuhrer loves the demonstration. He maniacally says, "I bid seventy-five million deutschmarks on this atom bomb." Okay, so it's definitely an atom bomb. Wrong side, Blighty. Dr. Future Blight's reaction: "Heil Fuhrer, baby!" Dude, if that was the real Hitler, you'd so be choking on about sixty bullets right now.

Back in the little Asian village, Wheeler is oh-so-sensitively asking the village girl what sort of burgers they have around here. Sigh. Wheeler, you can see that they're living in fucking huts. It's a third-world country, and you're making a one-legged girl feel like shit right now. You douchebag. The kids find Dr. Blights ship, and holy day -- MAL survived the crash! After threatening to shut him down permanently, MAL tells the Planeteers about Dr. Blight's plan to sell atomic bombs to Biker!Hitler. Ma-Ti declares, "We cannot let that happen!" Ma-Ti, be quiet and let the adults talk. The gang decide to use the time machine to stop the Blights.

War time again. France and Germany are locked in a bidding war for the atom bomb, and Hitler yells, "Stop bidding against me or I will invade YOU!" Is that supposed to be a German invasion joke, really? Besides, I'm pretty sure France is already invaded by now. France surrenders to Hitler like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we know they are. The Planeteers arrive just in time, and Linka, queen of the understatement, calls Hitler a barbarian. Hitler says nothing, I suspect because she's relatively Aryan-looking. Eventually he arrests them all. Like you didn't see that one coming. I mean, two of them are black and one of them's an Asian, for goodness' sake! Oh, and he arrests the Blights as well, because why wouldn't he? He's bloody Hitler. Why would he pay over a billion dollars for a bomb he can just take? After all, "Ze Fuhrer does not barter. He CONQUERS!" And yells out words at the end of his SENTENCES! Dr. Future Blight yells at her younger self for telling her they could trust this guy. Hey Dr. Future Blight, if you're from the future and all, how did you not know this was going to happen? And also, trusting Hitler? Even I could've told you that was a bad idea. They get into another tussle, and this one ends in Dr. Future Blight accidentally setting turning on the timer for the atom bomb. Um, well, fuck, I guess. That can't not end badly.

The Planeteers call on Captain Planet, but not before Ma-Ti elbows Hitler in the head. Think about how ludicrous that is for a second. Ma-Ti, ruler of Feeb World, just tried to knock out the Fuhrer. Captain Planet arrives and comes face-to-face with Hitler, who isn't unconscious or anything. Ma-Ti didn't even bruise him. Suddenly Captain P gets the sweats and doubles over in pain. You know why? Because "I wasn't prepared for the level of hate radiating from that monster!" Read a fucking history book every once in a while, Cappy. And also, I can't believe that his kryptonite is hate. Hate! Doesn't that mean his enemies can kill him just by being there? I'm pretty sure they don't exactly love him.

Captain Planet manages to muster up enough strength to grab the bomb and take it to outer space before it explodes. Because fuck Mars; what has it done for us lately? The bomb explodes in space, and sends Captain Planet hurtling back to earth, spouting some lame bullshit about there being no such thing as a good bomb. Not even an atomic blast can shut this guy up. The Germans surrender to a bunch of American soldiers who just appear out of nowhere, and I guess Hitler gets arrested. Captain Planet just unashamedly rewrote history. I sure hope no kids watched this and bragged to their teachers at school the next day about how World War II was ended by a shiny silver man with a green mullet.

The time portal opens, and the Planeteers (and the Blights) rush back to the future, but not before the village girl writes a note and gives it to one of the soldiers. Was she there the whole time? Why did they even bring her? She only has one leg; was it really necessary to drag her to a war zone? Before Captain Planet pushes her into the portal, Dr. Blight offers the American soldiers a look at her atomic bomb recipe book for a price, but drops it just before they're all teleported back to the future. The American soldier picks it up and says that he'd better give it to their "science boys", because it could be important. Wow, okay, are you trying to imply that Dr. Blight is directly responsible for Hiroshima? Because that exchange can't mean anything but that...right? It's like one of those cute little scenes in time travel movies where someone accidentally alters history in a cute little way that makes the audience go, "Ah! I see what you did there!" Like Marty McFly giving Chuck Berry 'Johnny B. Good', except ha ha, this time it killed tens of thousands of people. Nice freakin' going.

Back in the present, Captain Planet makes the Drs. Blight de-mine the village, and they actually do it for some reason. Oh, and MAL and GAL fall in love, even though GAL is MAL's upgrade in the future, so he's kinda making out with himself. (Yes, the robots make out. That is so not the weirdest part of this episode.) The village girl tells the Planeteers that she'll guide them back to the geo-cruiser, because apparently she hasn't done quite enough for them today, and -- holy crap, she has two legs now! Everyone's like, "How in pluperfect hell did that happen?" and the girl tells them that the letter she gave to the soldier was to be given to her grandparents, warning them of the dangers of the minefield. I hope that means her poor friend's alive now, too. Gi ends the episode by reminding is that if we pay attention to the future, we don't have to repeat our mistakes. Or something. She completely missed the point, but I was pretty much expecting her to.

And...well, that's it. Captain Planet meets Hitler. I'm not buying that there was actually any substantial message in that episode, though. I'm pretty sure they just discovered that someone in the cast could do a gnarly Hitler impression, and wondered how they could profit from it. In any case, that episode actually aired on normal person TV at some point. Just...just think about that for a second. Humanity is well and truly doomed.

Captain Planet: Mind Pollution

Episode recap here! Yay! I'm timely like that. Actually, I'm just really eager today because I discovered that someone actually read my Round The Twist recap. I know, I'm shocked too. I just assumed this blog would go completely ignored, so it was kind-of a nice surprise. Also, I'm in a really good mood because I just finished a scrumptious schnitzel sandwich...and my schnitzel was shaped like the state of Massachusetts. (Boston is my favourite place in the world. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the Dropkick Murphys. And The Departed. Go figure.)

This particular episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is not about pollution. (Gasp shock horror and et cetera.) It's about drugs. Drugs, in case you're wondering, are bad, and they piss Captain Planet and his Planeteers off something fierce. This episode is available to watch on YouTube, or you could just watch them here. See how I've embedded them into this post for your convenience? I'm thoughtful that way.






Whoever posted this video did NOT include the awesome-upon-awesome theme song, but since they bothered to upload my daily dose of nineties nostalgia in the first place, I won't hold it against them. Besides, who doesn't remember it? "Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" And so on and so forth. Also, did you know that the Planeteer rappy bit ("We're the Planeteers, you can be one too," etc.) in the New Adventures series was written by one of the B-52s? That is wicked. Just plain wicked. Without the intro, I can't tell if it's the original series or New Adventures. I could probably look it up somewhere, but I'm not going to, so don't hold your breath.

The episode begins at the White House. Has Captain Planet been elected president? Looks like not. A blonde-haired kid is running through the streets of Washington, and he looks a bit like Wheeler. Ever notice that all the white guys in this cartoon look like Wheeler? I think the reason Ted Turner decided to make the Planeteers racially diverse is so we can tell them apart. Anyway, Verminous Skumm (remember him?) approaches the blonde kid and, um, sells him drugs. That's really the only way to put it. He sells the blonde haired kid some sort of pill, and the blonde kid gets high. Um, yeah. Then for some reason, the kid almost gets hit by a bus, falls over, hits his head, and starts laughing. Dude's high as a kite. Wow. I do not remember Captain Planet being this heavy.

(Side note: according to Wikipedia, Captain Planet actually did an episode dealing with HIV/AIDS, which I guess is forward-thinking but seems a little inappropriate. Kids don't know what AIDS is. They don't particularly care, either. When I was growing up, they mentioned AIDS in passing in an I Hate Fridays book, and for years I thought it was just a regular illness on par with strepthroat or chicken pox.)

At Planeteer HQ (which, inexplicably, is a paradise island of some sort), the gang is checking out their jet to make sure everything's working. Linka has a checklist, because she's in charge. Linka was totally my favourite growing up. Back then, I didn't know what a communist was, or that she was one. Simpler times, my friends, simpler times. Linka tells Wheeler to make sure that the bolts underneath the jet won't loosen up upon take-off, and he says, "I know someone who could use a little loosening up." Dirrty! I know what he means, but it still calls for a Dirrty!! Another random fact -- I always wanted Linka and Wheeler to hook up, or as we called it back then, like like each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because even at a young age, I couldn't watch a show without wanting two of the characters to get together. I skipped that boys-are-icky phase in a big way, in case you can't tell.

Apparently, the Planeteers are taking a vacation. Weren't they just on an island? Anyway, Linka's excited about visiting her uncle in the Soviet Union. Hee! This must be from the first Captain Planet series, then, because in the New Adventures they changed her origin to the rather vague 'Eastern Europe.' In case the name 'Russia' didn't stick, I suppose.

Linka tells us her cousin Boris is charming, which is a bit of a weird way to describe one's cousin, but okay. They drop Linka off in the Soviet Union (what a short plane ride) and she rushes straight to her uncle Dimitri's house. He answers the door in a bathrobe and hugs Linka for an uncomfortably long time. So that's how it is in their family. Dimitri calls charming Boris downstairs -- and he's in a robe too! The only thing I can think is that it must be really early in the morning. But ruh-roh, it seems that Boris is not his usual charming self. He's all tired and dishevelled, which means what, children. Boris is on THE DRUGS. At first sight, I actually thought Boris was the blonde kid from the start, but I seem to recall a high-school geography lesson where I learned that Washington is not in the Soviet Union.

Sure enough, Boris goes upstairs and takes the same generic-looking drug the blonde kid took. It's kind of sparkly, and it makes that cartoon noise all shimmery things make, sort of a swooshing noise. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but making drugs out to be sparkly and special? Doesn't sell 'wrong' to me. Sparkly usually equals cool and must-have. In my Captain Planet-watching days, I was obsessed with anything sparkly. I'm wearing a sparkly T-shirt right now. Anyway.

Dimitri tells Linka that Boris has been acting strange recently, and begs her to try and get to the bottom of it. That's some good parenting right there. Boris enters in a radical skull T-shirt and sunglasses, because only druggies wear skull T-shirts and sunglasses! Linka notices that he has a cut on his head. Oh snap, Boris is the blonde kid from the start of the episode! He got that cut by smacking his head on the pavement! He doesn't tell Linda this, though, or offers me an explanation as to why he was in Washington at the start of the episode. Linka tries to put some alcohol on his cut, and Boris knocks the bottle onto the stove, causing it to explode and engulf the kitchen in flames. See kids, this is why you don't take THE DRUGS. Linka manages to put out the fire using her wind ring and some baking soda. Right. You know, Linka's time would be better spent working as a firefighter. She might actually do some good, instead of traipsing around the world on her neverending attempt to stop global warming or whatev. Plus, we now know she'd kick Wheeler's arse in a fight.

Linka and Boris are riding bikes to the Russian cafe. Wait, aren't we...isn't this...you know what? I think I've missed something. Perhaps they're not in the Soviet Union after all. Let me just go back and check...yep, okay, they're in Washington. Linka said before that she's going to visit her uncle at the Soviet Embassy in Washington. My bad. I just heard 'Soviet' and then let my mind wander. I do that sometimes. Sorry.

Amway, they're riding their bikes to the Russian cafe, and Boris keeps stopping to catch his breath. Another reason why THE DRUGS are bad, y'all -- no more bike-riding. Oh, and the skull on Boris's T-shirt is wearing a party hat, which doesn't scream 'badass' to me. Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, I don't know. Boris is all like, "How the hell did you manage to put out that fire with your ring?" and she gives him a really vague explanation of the whole protecting-the-earth business. Boris says that if she lets him try it sometime he'll give her one of his pills. She's like, "Hells no, not on my watch!" and tries to take the bag of pills from him. They struggle and the bag breaks, spilling the pills down the drain. Hee, they're making that shimmery noise again! Maybe they're magic pills!

Boris calls Linka a stupid cow, and I laugh. That's kind-of harsh for a cartoon. Anyway, Boris rides away and meets up with Verminous Skumm again, saying he needs more bliss. Wow, it even sounds pretty. Worst anti-drugs campaign ever. Skumm tells him that the price has increased. Since Boris doesn't have enough money, he offers to give Skumm Linka's magic ring in exchange for THE DRUGS. What a dumb idea -- if he's going to go home to steal Linka's ring, why doesn't he just walk into his father's bedroom and steal some money? Thievery's thievery, you know? Anyway, Skumm works out that he's talking about Linka, and tells Boris that if he brings Linka, Scumm will give him all the bliss he could ever need. Boris tells him to fuck off. Yeah, go Boris!

Linka returns to her uncle's house, but he's gone to the embassy. Linka turns on the TV in time to see a news report about a group of vandals who were apparently high on bliss trashing some building or other. How they could possibly know what drug they were on when no one's been caught yet is baffling, but okay. Boris walks through the door, and Linka says, "Oh Boris, I was afraid you were in that blissed-out mob!" Direct quote. I'm so calling them that from now on. Boris gives her some lie about how he knows THE DRUGS are bad now, and Linka believes him...despite the fact that he's holding a shitload of bliss behind his back. And you can imagine how much shimmery noise it's making. Boris, you suck. I can't believe you would sell your cousin to a drug-dealing half-man half-rat. That's just not done in polite society. He gives Linka something to eat, and it's so obvious that he's roofied it that I'm about to scream.

Back on Planeteer Island, the remaining four Planeteers have returned from their boring, non drug-related vacations. Apparently there was some mix-up and none of them picked up Linka. What great friends. They get worried because nobody's heard from her, and suddenly Gaia the Earth Mother appears and takes them to her Crystal Chamber...which, if you'll recall, is a cave with a control panel type thing that a giant screen in the centre. She shows the gang all the destruction that the blissed-out mob (that will never stop sounding ridiculous) has been doing in Washington, and this exchange made me laugh so hard, I had to quote it for you outright:

Wheeler: Babe, what went down in that neighbourhood?
Gaia: What went down is
people's self-respect.

Yes, thank you, Wheeler, for reminding us that you're the complete embodiment of an American pig. And thank you, Gaia, for reminding us that you're a preachy, judgemental bitch. Apparently this drug thing is the Planeteers's problem, because it's "pollution of the mind." Nice. The Planeteers see vision of Verminous Skumm pushing THE DRUGS and taking everyone's money. Oh, and they also hear his plan, which is to start selling bliss to everyone all over the world, thereby getting rich and ensuring he is the only one around thinking straight. Firstly, who is filming this? And if Gaia can see everything, why didn't she, you know, STOP BORIS FROM SWAPPING LINKA FOR DRUGS? Just thinking out loud here. Also, what a shit plan. I could spend the whole day listing reasons why that plan's not gonna work, but for your sake, I won't.

The Planeteers arrive in Washington, flying their jet right next to the Capitol Building. I don't care if they are the Planeteers, that seems like a breach of security to me. Wheeler and Ma-Ti go to the Lincoln Memorial for some ridiculous reason. Ma-Ti's so lame. Seriously, what is the power of heart anyway? I never got that. Suddenly all four Planeteers are accosted by the blissed-out mob. Why are they attacking the Planeteers? I'm so confused. Wheeler tries to stop them by setting fire to the grass between them and the blissed-out mob. Again, I have to wonder where security is. One of the blissed-out mobsters actually says, "We do not care about injuries; just running out of bliss!" How oddly informative. Thank you, blissed-out junkie.

Verminous Skumm appears at the back of the pack, and Gi admits that they need Captain Planet's help. Skumm agrees and then ominously says that they'll never be able to summon him...and reveals Linka, blissed-out something fierce! Oh no! Wheeler instinctively tries to rush over there (because he, like, totally loves her) but the other Planeteers hold him back. But seriously, Skumm is the dumbest villain ever. Why not just kill Linka, or even steal her ring? Why risk it? WHY??

Skumm offers free bliss to the people who kill the Planeteers. Because apparently the ones who aren't hot and blonde are expendable. I see what's going on here now. He even calls Linka a "Glamourteer," and I feel a little uncomfortable. Wheeler tries to reach her (so cute!), but the blissed-out mob is coming towards them, looking very much like the extras from the 'Thriller' video. Gi uses her water power to create a tidal wave, washing the mob away. Of course, it's only a temporary solution, because it's not like the Planeteers could, I don't know, cause an earthquake or start a fire or anything useful.

Ma-Ti thinks he has an idea. Well good for you, Ma-Ti, it's about time you started pulling your weight. He gets Wheeler to distract Skumm by setting fire to the bag of bliss he's holding. Wow, good aim. Skumm responds by shouting, "But I have the bliss formula right here! I can make more in minutes!" at Wheeler, holding a notebook in the air. He wrote the formula for his mind-consuming drug in a notebook that he carries around with him? DUMB. And why doesn't Wheeler just fireball that as well? This whole problem could've been solved on seventeen different occasions already.

While he's doing this, Ma-Ti grabs Linka's arm and drags her away. That's the plan? Seriously? Ma-Ti, there's a reason no one likes you. And I seriously doubt he's strong enough to drag Linka anywhere. Linka falls over and lands in a puddle, which she finds hilarious in her blissed-up state. Ma-Ti can't get her up again, because apparently he used all his little boy strength to drag her away the first time. The rest of the Planeteers manage to outrun the mob, and Wheeler and Kwame pick Linka up and carry her away from the mob.

They rush into the Capitol Building, because we're in Washington, remember? If you forget, don't worry, they'll remind us again soon. The whole place is deserted, and Wheeler awesomely says, "Why is it that when the city is under siege by zombies, you can never find a cop?" A very good question, Wheeler, one I've been asking for half the fucking episode.

Ma-Ti activates his heart ring, which is good, because I can't for the life of me remember a time when that thing's come in handy. He says he can sense that everyone in the city has either fled or is high on bliss. Even the military? Fail, USA. Oh, and Boris is the leader of the blissed-out mob now. The other mobsters are even chanting his name. Boris, that is so slack -- you have your lifetime's supply of THE DRUGS, and you're still selling out your cousin? Mean, Boris, mean!

The Planeteers barricade themselves inside, while Linka downs another pill. She wanders over to the window to let Boris in, because zombies think alike, I guess. Wheeler gets there just in time to shut Boris out. Yay Wheeler! Linka tries to get Wheeler to take THE DRUGS, but he refuses. He gets her to look in the mirror and "see what this junk has done to you!" Linka thinks she looks beautiful. Hee! Then Boris comes crashing through the window, which sucks because we were right in the middle of Linka/Wheeler sexual tension! Fucking Boris!

Boris gets his, though, as the glass from the window cuts him and causes him to bleed profusely. And I mean profusely. Jesus, is this Captain Planet directed by Eli Roth or what? Kwame uses his earth power to knock over a bookcase and block the window to prevent any of the other zombies getting in. Because earth power works on bookcases? What? This whole episode's on THE DRUGS.

As the others escape, Gi stops to bandage Boris's arms with the emergency gauze she must carry around with her wherever she goes. Wheeler's like, "Just leave him!" but Gi feels sorry for Boris because she knows it's THE DRUGS that's been making him act all mean and traitor-y. Wheeler says, "Yeah, but nobody made him take the drug. He did that on his own." Because that's the moral of the story, after all -- if you take drugs, you're a bad person and you deserve to die in a pool of your own blood.

The gang (even blissed-out Linka and cut-up Boris) escape through a window on the roof. Which wasn't locked or anything. Why would it be? It's not like this is an important building or anything. One of the junkies smashes through a window and tries to grab Ma-Ti, and Kwame pulls him back to safety. Unfortunately, the two fall off the building. Even more unfortunately, Kwame doesn't drop Ma-Ti to his death. (That I'd like to see.) Wheeler grabs Kwame just in time, and now the three of them are hanging on to each other (and Wheeler to the ledge) for dear life. Verminous Skumm appears in his helicopter (?) and offers a lifetime's supply of bliss to whoever pushes them off the edge. Boris, who last I checked was bleeding half to death but apparently isn't anymore, agrees. Boris, you already have a lifetime's supply from the last psychotic thing you did! Keep up!

Linka tries to pop another pill, but Gi stops her. Linka decides that she'll simply blow the Planeteers off the roof with her wind power, but it doesn't work because "her mind's too polluted." Another side-effect of taking THE DRUGS, children -- your magical, element-commanding rings will no longer work.

Then Boris falls over and passes out. Linka's like, "what the fuck?" and Gi checks his pulse and announces that he's dead. Um, what? What just...what just happened here? Boris DIED?! They killed off Boris?! WHAT?! That's kind-of harsh for a kids' cartoon, even if he is a drug-addled psycho. They all decide that it was the bliss that killed him, even though I don't think the lacerations on his arms could've helped much. I suppose this wouldn't be very good anti-drug propaganda if the druggie died from glass wounds.

Linka's all broken up about how her traitor cousin is dead from drugs. Wheeler tells Linka that she has to snap out of it (nice, Wheeler, you ever hear of mourning periods?) and un-cloud her mind so they can call Captain Planet. She does so, because it's that easy to sober up after spending the entire day off your face like that. And is it just me, or wouldn't it be easier for Gaia to simply call Captain Planet directly when she has an eco-problem? All these kids seem to do is get kidnapped and destroy government buildings. But I digress.

Captain Planet flies the kids to safety, and ruins Skumm's day by burning his secret bliss formula in a giant fiery tornado thing. Fucking A, Captain Planet is all-time! He says to Skumm, "In my house, the dealer always loses!" See what I meant about the bad puns before! Captain Planet should just stick to making flaming tornados. Skumm ends up in a river for some reason, probably because people falling into bodies of water is funny for a child. Not so much for me anymore, though.

The next day, all the crazy blissed-out zombie folk are getting medical attention, even Linka. Gi solemnly says, "They've got a long, hard fight ahead of them," and Wheeler tells us that "withdrawal is the worst kind of pain." Because, um, I don't know, DRUGSAREBAD! Even if they're sparkly!

Skumm crawls out of the river, swearing revenge on Captain Planet. Then he takes out a sandwich from his pocket, which is not only completely bizarre but also pretty unsanitary. I guess he must've laced it with bliss and forgotten or something, because he's shocked that he gets all strung out. Yeah, I don't really get it either. I never realised it, but Captain Planet kind-of blows. How disappointing.

Well, that's it for Captain Planet. (This episode, anyway.) Next time -- Ship to Shore!

Captain Planet (1990-1996)

I don't think there was a single 90s child alive who did not adore Captain Planet. It's okay, admit it. This is a safe place. You luuurved it! You went around pretending that plastic ring you found in a Kinder Surprise was actually sent to you by Gaia the Earth Mother (she owns the Kinder factory, so she can do that kind of thing) and you had the power to summon a awesome blue-mulleted superhero to save the planet. Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Yeah, that's what I thought.


Quick story. Captain Planet was on ABC Kids when I was in kindergarten, and even though this event took place when I was four, I remember it very clearly. One day, after Captain Planet had finished, I was running around the room jumping off couches pretending that I was Linka and I was saving the world. After all, didn't Captain Planet just finish telling me that I, too, could be a Planeteer? I did have the big guy's permission. Anyway, I was running around doing my eco-warrior thing when I smacked my head on the wooden knobby thing at the end of our sofa...and gave myself a black eye. Yeah I know, ouch, right? What makes the story worse is that when people asked what happened to me, as they usually do when they see a four-year-old with a black eye (or a person of any age with a black eye, really), my mother made me explain exactly how I got my injury. Let me tell you that there are people out there who find, "I ran into the sofa playing Captain Planet" to be hilarious, even when it's coming from a bruised and battered four-year-old. Normally, I'd be a little lenient on Mother Dearest -- if this was anyone else's parent, they'd probably have been trying to make sure people didn't think they was beating me or something -- but since Mother Dearest is the direct root of my psychological problems, I'm pretty sure she knew exactly how scarring it would be to have every adult within a ten-mile radius laughing in my face. Thank you, Mother Dearest; my therapy bill's in the mail.


Back to regular programming now. Captain Planet and the Planeteers was a cartoon series created by Ted Turner that ran from 1990-1993 and was followed by The New Adventures of Captain Planet, which ran until '96. That is a damn successful cartoon in anyone's books. It followed the adventures of Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi and Ma-Ti, five kids from all over the world who have been conscripted (there really is no other word for it) into fighting the good fight on behalf of Gaia, the Earth Mother. Our planet is, like, dying, you guys, and only a bunch of racially-diverse teenagers could possibly save it! Woot!


The villains were pretty awesome, too, sometimes even more awesome than the Planeteers. (Sacrilege!) Dr. Bligh wore a pink jumpsuit and had cute hair. Looten Plunder was well-dressed and ruggedly handsome. Duke Nukem wore an ill-fitting Hawaiian shirt, but not in an uncool Robin Williams way. But of course, they were evil, so we couldn't like them. (Outwardly.) And oh yeah, they each represented an ecological disaster or destructive human attitude.


Which brings me to what the slightly bruised four-year-old in me really, really doesn't want me to admit -- watching it as an adult, this show's kinda lame . Even for me, who upon viewing it was hit with a giant pleasure wave of nostalgia. It's overly preachy, and always comes with a lesson we must learn throughout the episode. Considering I was the Captain's most avid viewer and I grew up with nary a social conscience (or indeed any real morals to speak of) in sight, I think that's a giant FAIL, Mr. Turner. Then again, that may have been a concussion issue.


Oh, and Captain Planet was a walking (flying?) bad joke. Seriously. In every episode, without fail, he'd arrive to save the day spouting the most ridiculously awful puns you've ever heard. Joey Gladstone wouldn't even crack a smile. I don't even know what was going on in that department.

Apart from action, hijinks and a side of guilt, Captain Planet also had what is possibly one of the best voice casts ever assembled. The main cast featured the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Kath Soucie, Meg Ryan, Tim Curry, Margot Kidder and Frank Welker, and the guest cast -- Steve Guttenberg, Neil Patrick Harris, Elizabeth Taylor, Mark Hamill, Ed Begley Jr., Helen Hunt, Danny Glover, Ricki Lake, Don McLean and Rita Moreno just to begin with -- is Simpsons-esque, to say the least. Go Planet!


Also, according to the IMDB message boards, people are absolutely dying to see a live-action movie version of Captain Planet. And you know what? I agree wholeheartedly with this idea, so long as Al Gore's not in it. (Apparently that dude's all for the environment, or so I've heard.) If we are going to have eco-conscious celebs involved, I could definitely see Leo DiCaprio as Captain Planet. Really. He'd singlehandedly revive the mullet. Hmm, on second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea...


(Episode recap to come, I promise.)