Beverly Hills 90210: U4EA

I'm back, y'all! Hope you didn't miss me too much, but I needed a vaykay like nobody's business. My final semester of my final year at uni required most of my attention, so that's my excuse. Plus, last week was my birthday, and I'm not embellishing at all when I tell you that I'm just recovering. I thought I'd do the sensible thing this year and have multiple dinner soirees instead of one huge birthday bash, but that turned out to be the single best mistake I've made so far in my 21 years on this planet. I've drunk more champagne these last eleven days than Iggy Pop has all his New Years Eves combined.

Today I bring you another 90210 episode, but this one's special -- it hold the grand distinction of being my favourite one of all time. I think. Don't quote me on that, but it's definitely right up there. In today's episode, Silver gets drunk, Brandon gets roofied, Brenda and Kelly are nonstop bitches and we even get a little Steve/Andrea action. In a nutshell, it's the perfect episode. (Except for Emily Valentine. I know Brandon liked her, but I never did.)

In the halls of West Beverly, Donna, Kelly and Brenda are complaining about how boring their lives are. Right. Brandon and Emily walk by, and Emily tells the girls about some hip underground rave club she just happens to have heard about. Get this -- they let just anyone in. No IDs, no cover charge, no nothing. This is generally a sane person's first tip that something is amiss, but no. The trick is, to get the location, you have to go to a particular convenience store and exchange an egg for the club's address. Apparently it changes locations every week, as though the first round of oh-so-subtle "this place is shady" clues didn't get through.

Emily and Brandon stop by the Blaze and tell Andrea and Steve about the egg rave club. Andrea pretends she wants to do an expose of it for the paper, but really she just wants to spy on Emily and Brandon and make sure they don't have any fun. Steve decides to go as Andrea's date, for no other reason except to appease the weird Steve/Andrea ship I have going on. Not that I think they'd make any sort of great couple -- I just like their scenes together. And their scenes in this episode? Awesome.

At home that night, Brandon and Brenda get ready to get their par-tay on. They go to great lengths to make up a plausible excuse as to why they're all dressed up with seemingly no egg rave club to go to, but by the time they get downstairs, their parents are so wrapped up watching a movie on the couch, they don't even bat an eyelid at their offspring. The twins even manage to coax an extension on their curfew out of Jim and Cindy. Guess they've been Beverly Hills parents too long.

Kelly, however, is having no such luck. She tells Jackie the truth -- she's going to a creepy underground club with all of her underage friends. Jackie the recovering alcoholic is having none of that, though, and tells her that she'll have to stay in while Mommy Dearest goes gallivanting around town with Mel Silver. Naturally, Kelly sneaks out the second her mother leaves the house.

The gang meets up at the Peach Pit, bar Andrea and Steve. They're late for some reason. Kelly's mad that Donna brought Silver along. Brenda's mad that they all seem to be doing what Emily wants to do. They both such downers in this episode, I can't even begin to tell you. Nat asks Emily and Brandon where they're all going, and they very stealthily respond with, "a...place." That's some A-grade lying right there, Brando. Nat's all, "Oh wellsies, have fun." Heh. Nat is such an enabler. Between him placing bets for his underage employees and Jim and Cindy "Couch Potato" Walsh, it's surprising that Brandon made it out of his teenage years alive.

Their first stop is the convenience store, and I notice for the first time that they're all decked out in either black or denim. (Or both.) I love that they're colour-coordinated for their big night on the town. Emily goes up to the counter and exchanges the egg, no questions asked. Silver, jokingly, asks for a bottle of whiskey...and gets it. Worst convenience store clerk ever. I mean, come on. Silver looks eternally eleven. Plus, he gets the whiskey, a bottle of water for Brenda, gum for Kelly and popcorn for Donna, all for sixteen dollars. Is all your shit cheaper in America, or was this the wacky nineties? Because if it's the latter, I miss them. Then I remember all the double denim and matching black ensembles, and suddenly I don't anymore.

The egg rave club is totes hopping by the time our black-and-denim-clad Beverly Hillsians rock up. Dylan takes this opportunity to tell Brenda that a club like this is a breeding ground for drug activity. Hey Dylweed, you know when this would've been helpful information? Before. Literally any time before, just not ten feet from the friggin' entrance. Brenda asks her recovering substance abuser boyfriend if he's going to be okay. He tells her he is, and she's like, "Whatevs, let's head on over to Temptation City, Dyl." Thanks, Brenda.

Once they get inside, the girls (and Silver) all ooh and ahh over how crazy it is in there. Techno music, people dancing and et cetera. I'm pretty sure they have places like this in Beverly Hills too, but none of them seem to think so. Silver says that the place is "trippy," and Kelly makes fun of him. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gone soft on Silver or anything, but I hate it when Kelly gets unnecessarily bitchy like this. It's slightly less annoying than when she gets unnecessarily judgemental, but still. Silver takes out his cheap-ass whiskey and offers it to everyone. They all refuse for some reason. I guess it's one thing to sneak out to a bitchin' rave party, but quite another to actually drink. What exactly are they planning to do here? Kelly goes so far as to call Silver a geek and pay him out for being a disgusting alco, and Donna stands up for him and says that "not everybody who has a drink or two is an alcoholic." I'm pretty sure these words are going to haunt her in a year's time when she's hunched over a toilet at prom.

While they're all standing around doing nothing, Kelly complains about how everyone seems to be coupled off except for her. Emily, for no real reason, says, "Life can be really depressing when you don't have a boyfriend." Um, fuck you, Emily. How is that an okay thing to say to someone who's already feeling bad about being single? Also, feminism called, and it wants to punch you in the face. Brenda overhears this remark and bitches to Dylan that Emily really rubs her the wrong way. Dylan retorts that she must rub Brandon the right way, and I give the scriptwriters props for sneaking that in there.

Meanwhile, Steve and Andrea finally arrive at the Peach Pit. Nat gives them an egg and directions to the convenience store that Emily left for them. So not only is Nat not stopping his favourite high school students from doing something that screams 'illegal', he's actually helping them? Jeez, Nathaniel, responsible much? Andrea takes the egg, confused, and Steve tells her to "get with the drill." Was that ever slang? "Get with the program," I've heard of, but "get with the drill?" Not so much. Andrea accidentally knocks over a cup of coffee, right onto the directions. They decide to forge on ahead anyway.

Back at the rave, Brandon is telling Emily that he doesn't want to dance. Because Brandon doesn't dance. That's a character trait you can never be reminded of too many times. He points out a giant burly guy that people keep coming up to, and Emily tells him that Big Burly Guy is a U4EA dealer. U4EA, for those of you at home, is a drug. A drug that Emily swears she's never tried before. (Spoiler: she's lying!) A drug that she attempts to get Brandon to take with her. Brandon, ever the sensible one, declines. After all, he does not get high. He just gets drunk and crashes Mondale. I do like that he reminds us of this, instead of being his usual high-and-mighty, Brandon-Walsh-can-do-no-wrong self and pretending that little incident never happened.

Steve and Andrea are driving around town, trying in vain to read the directions on the coffee-stained napkin. Andrea blames stupid Emily for not thinking to draw them a map on something sturdier than a napkin. It makes no sense, but since I love snarky Andrea, I'll let it slide. They stop at a convenience store they think might be the right one, and head inside to exchange the egg. Note: Steve's holding Andrea's hand. Cue the awww's. (Awww!) Now I can't decide which of the lines in this scene I'd rather quote for you, so here's the whole thing.



This is far and away my favourite scene in season two, maybe even the entire series. It's like a poultry-themed Who's On First.

Back in the nowhere-near-as-entertaining A-plot, Silver is sauced. It's okay, though, because drinking's only bad when Donna Martin does it. He talks with Brandon for a while about how he thinks of himself as "the host who's had the most," and then raves on for a while about how Donna likes him. God, if only Silver was drunk every episode. It almost makes him bearable.

Emily, still wanting to get high with Brandon, decides to take matters into her own hands and slips the U4EA into his soda. Good God, she's sociopathic. I hate it when Brenda's right. Some time later, Brandon tells her that he feels weird, and she admits that she, uh, drugged him, I guess. Brando's not as incensed about this as you'd think he'd be, probably because he's feeling a little too U4ic. Heh. You see what I did there? I'm oddly proud of myself for that one.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Steve are sitting in the 'Vette, totally and completely lost. Andrea snarks Emily some more about how she only joined the paper to get into Brandon's pants. She complains that, "this evening has been a total mmm." Insert your own bad word there. Steve tells her to stop apologising for who she is and get in the game, because the only reason Brandon only likes Emily is because she throws herself at him. He's so passionate about it, too. I love Steve so much. This is the sort of advice I imagine he'd give me if he was a real person and not just my fantasy BFF. Eventually, Andrea spots the right convenience store, and they head on in to exchange the egg.

Segue: I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was back in high school, and we were all doing some sort of crazy showstopping musical number. Steve Sanders was with us, and he and I sung a duet about how awesome we are. Sad but true.

At the rave, Silver and Donna are dancing wildly. Donna tells him she has to sit down, because she's "bushed." Silver's response? "Which one -- George or Barbara?" Ugh. And they say you're the witty one, Silver. There are so many cooler comebacks you could've used, and judging by Dylan's quip about the way Emily rubs Brandon, I'm pretty sure the network wouldn't have minded. Kelly, Dylan and Brenda come past for one final rendition of their tired Chide The Drunk Guy chorus. Seriously, you guys, shut the fuck up. So Silver's drunk. Why would you go to the trouble of sneaking out to a club if you weren't going to drink?

On the way back from the grungy bathroom ('grungy' in this case meaning disgusting,) Kelly and Brenda step on some drug paraphernalia and see a couple getting high in the corner. They realise that the place is crawling with ZOMG!druggies! Even though Dylan told her this would happen at the start of the night, Brenda acts like this is new information. She and Kel head on over to where Dylan is and tell him it's time to find Brandon and go. In Kelly's words, "This place is never again." Hmm. Again, I don't think calling stuff 'never again' was ever a thing, but I dig it. In fact, I think I'll use that.

Outside, Silver gets really sick, and Dylan holds his hair back while he munts all over a wall. Ew. Say what you want about Dylan, but he's all sorts of awesome to Silver in this scene. He doesn't even like Silver, and yet here we are. He even carries him over to Kelly's Beemer and sort-of hurls him into the backseat. That's some good lookin' out, McKay.

Dylan and Brenda find Brandon on the hood of Mondale, making out furiously with Emily. He even has his shirt unbuttoned, that hussy. Dylan recognises that he's off his face immediately. Brandon and Emily respond by telling them off for being too serious. It's actually kind-of funny, even though I know that this is the first of many DRUGSAREBAD episodes, and we should really be learning some kind of lesson from this. Dylan takes Brandon's keys and gives him money for a cab, then hustles Brenda towards his car.

Brenda's like, "We can't just leave Brandon here!" and Dylan responds with a monologue about how DRUGSAREBAD. It's an anti-drugs message that would be so much more effective if we didn't have Brandon in the background, hilariously standing on the hood of his car, chest bared, looking stoned out of his mind. I think this is the first time Brandon has ever stolen a scene. I'm a little impressed.

Meanwhile, Kelly is trying desperately to beat her mother home so she doesn't find out that Little Miss Honesty disobeyed her and went to the skeezy rave party. Of course, this doesn't stop her from being mean to Silver, who's moaning and groaning in the background like...well, like a guy who just downed a bottle of whiskey, actually. Kelly tells Donna that she made a mistake bringing him with them tonight, because he's "a geek and a pukemeister." Heh. Pukemeister. Kelly is winning the battle of the Awesome Nineties Slang I Never Knew Was Actually Slang today.

Oh, and in case you're interested, Kelly does not get home before Jackie. Bitch is grounded.

Steve and Andrea arrive at the rave at the same time the police do. Dammit, they never get to have any fun! They spot Brandon and Emily, assumedly so Jason Priestley can show off his cartoonish 'guy on drugs' acting, and Emily tells them that they have to get out of here because she's still got some U4EA on her. Steve grabs it out of her hand, then drags her towards the 'Vette by the wrist. I love it when he gets forceful. Andrea takes this time to tell Brandon how disgusted she is by his behaviour.

Back at the Walsh house, Brenda is waiting up for Brandon to come home. He does so, at six in the morning. God, I hope Jim and Cindy catch him. Brenda and Brandon have a D&M about the dangers of drugs and Brandon admits that "I totally lost control." Yeah, Brando. You unbuttoned your shirt! You sat on the hood of you car and made out with your girlfriend! Those crazy kids, I tell ya. Brandon finally tells us what Dylan was trying to tell us before Brando interrupted him with his shirtlessness -- "people talk about how drugs are cool, but it's just a big fake-out." Holy crap, that's not even remotely subtle. I do love that Kelly -- the girl who initially told her mother the truth about where she was going and chided everyone for drinking -- got grounded, but Brandon managed to get home without his parents even waking up.

The next day, Dylan and Brandon head back to the club to pick up Mondale...which has been stripped for parts and just generally trashed. Oh, here's the comeuppance. I love that whenever Brandon decides to be bad, it's always the car that suffers. Dylan tells Brandon, "I'm just glad you couldn't see yourself last night," and Brandon asks if it was really that bad. Actually, no, Brandon, it wasn't really. You didn't even take your shirt clean off. Brandon admits that he'll have to tell his parents because there's no lie big enough to cover Mondale's demise, even though I thought of at least four in the last second and a half. I guess I'd make a much more covert druggie than Brandon.

At home, Brandon tells his parents all about last night, never minding that he's dropping Brenda in it too. He neglects to mention that Emily's the one who drugged him, though. Jim and Cindy seem mad, despite the fact that their shitty parenting last night didn't help the situation. Then they get mad at Brenda for leaving him there. Emily drops by and tells her boyfriend's parents that she took care of him while he was high last night, like the lying druggie whore she is. I hate her more and more with every passing second. Steam is practically coming out of Brenda's ears, but she doesn't dime. She's such a good sister. I take back that stuff I said earlier about her being a bitch. The second they're alone, Brandon breaks up with Emily. She's all butthurt about it, despite the fact that it's all her fault. Literally, all her fault. Not a single other person is to blame except her. This right here is the reason I have zero sympathy for Emily Valentine in the episodes to come.

Andrea goes to the Peach Pit to talk to Brandon. Actually, 'talk' isn't the right word. She takes him to the kitchen, breaks an egg into the frying pan and tells him that it's his brain on drugs. No, I'm not joking. That's how unsubtle they're being here. The writers' laziness is so bad now that they're actually just recreating an anti-drug PSA. Rachael Leigh Cook would be so proud.