Beverly Hills 90210: U4EA

I'm back, y'all! Hope you didn't miss me too much, but I needed a vaykay like nobody's business. My final semester of my final year at uni required most of my attention, so that's my excuse. Plus, last week was my birthday, and I'm not embellishing at all when I tell you that I'm just recovering. I thought I'd do the sensible thing this year and have multiple dinner soirees instead of one huge birthday bash, but that turned out to be the single best mistake I've made so far in my 21 years on this planet. I've drunk more champagne these last eleven days than Iggy Pop has all his New Years Eves combined.

Today I bring you another 90210 episode, but this one's special -- it hold the grand distinction of being my favourite one of all time. I think. Don't quote me on that, but it's definitely right up there. In today's episode, Silver gets drunk, Brandon gets roofied, Brenda and Kelly are nonstop bitches and we even get a little Steve/Andrea action. In a nutshell, it's the perfect episode. (Except for Emily Valentine. I know Brandon liked her, but I never did.)

In the halls of West Beverly, Donna, Kelly and Brenda are complaining about how boring their lives are. Right. Brandon and Emily walk by, and Emily tells the girls about some hip underground rave club she just happens to have heard about. Get this -- they let just anyone in. No IDs, no cover charge, no nothing. This is generally a sane person's first tip that something is amiss, but no. The trick is, to get the location, you have to go to a particular convenience store and exchange an egg for the club's address. Apparently it changes locations every week, as though the first round of oh-so-subtle "this place is shady" clues didn't get through.

Emily and Brandon stop by the Blaze and tell Andrea and Steve about the egg rave club. Andrea pretends she wants to do an expose of it for the paper, but really she just wants to spy on Emily and Brandon and make sure they don't have any fun. Steve decides to go as Andrea's date, for no other reason except to appease the weird Steve/Andrea ship I have going on. Not that I think they'd make any sort of great couple -- I just like their scenes together. And their scenes in this episode? Awesome.

At home that night, Brandon and Brenda get ready to get their par-tay on. They go to great lengths to make up a plausible excuse as to why they're all dressed up with seemingly no egg rave club to go to, but by the time they get downstairs, their parents are so wrapped up watching a movie on the couch, they don't even bat an eyelid at their offspring. The twins even manage to coax an extension on their curfew out of Jim and Cindy. Guess they've been Beverly Hills parents too long.

Kelly, however, is having no such luck. She tells Jackie the truth -- she's going to a creepy underground club with all of her underage friends. Jackie the recovering alcoholic is having none of that, though, and tells her that she'll have to stay in while Mommy Dearest goes gallivanting around town with Mel Silver. Naturally, Kelly sneaks out the second her mother leaves the house.

The gang meets up at the Peach Pit, bar Andrea and Steve. They're late for some reason. Kelly's mad that Donna brought Silver along. Brenda's mad that they all seem to be doing what Emily wants to do. They both such downers in this episode, I can't even begin to tell you. Nat asks Emily and Brandon where they're all going, and they very stealthily respond with, "a...place." That's some A-grade lying right there, Brando. Nat's all, "Oh wellsies, have fun." Heh. Nat is such an enabler. Between him placing bets for his underage employees and Jim and Cindy "Couch Potato" Walsh, it's surprising that Brandon made it out of his teenage years alive.

Their first stop is the convenience store, and I notice for the first time that they're all decked out in either black or denim. (Or both.) I love that they're colour-coordinated for their big night on the town. Emily goes up to the counter and exchanges the egg, no questions asked. Silver, jokingly, asks for a bottle of whiskey...and gets it. Worst convenience store clerk ever. I mean, come on. Silver looks eternally eleven. Plus, he gets the whiskey, a bottle of water for Brenda, gum for Kelly and popcorn for Donna, all for sixteen dollars. Is all your shit cheaper in America, or was this the wacky nineties? Because if it's the latter, I miss them. Then I remember all the double denim and matching black ensembles, and suddenly I don't anymore.

The egg rave club is totes hopping by the time our black-and-denim-clad Beverly Hillsians rock up. Dylan takes this opportunity to tell Brenda that a club like this is a breeding ground for drug activity. Hey Dylweed, you know when this would've been helpful information? Before. Literally any time before, just not ten feet from the friggin' entrance. Brenda asks her recovering substance abuser boyfriend if he's going to be okay. He tells her he is, and she's like, "Whatevs, let's head on over to Temptation City, Dyl." Thanks, Brenda.

Once they get inside, the girls (and Silver) all ooh and ahh over how crazy it is in there. Techno music, people dancing and et cetera. I'm pretty sure they have places like this in Beverly Hills too, but none of them seem to think so. Silver says that the place is "trippy," and Kelly makes fun of him. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gone soft on Silver or anything, but I hate it when Kelly gets unnecessarily bitchy like this. It's slightly less annoying than when she gets unnecessarily judgemental, but still. Silver takes out his cheap-ass whiskey and offers it to everyone. They all refuse for some reason. I guess it's one thing to sneak out to a bitchin' rave party, but quite another to actually drink. What exactly are they planning to do here? Kelly goes so far as to call Silver a geek and pay him out for being a disgusting alco, and Donna stands up for him and says that "not everybody who has a drink or two is an alcoholic." I'm pretty sure these words are going to haunt her in a year's time when she's hunched over a toilet at prom.

While they're all standing around doing nothing, Kelly complains about how everyone seems to be coupled off except for her. Emily, for no real reason, says, "Life can be really depressing when you don't have a boyfriend." Um, fuck you, Emily. How is that an okay thing to say to someone who's already feeling bad about being single? Also, feminism called, and it wants to punch you in the face. Brenda overhears this remark and bitches to Dylan that Emily really rubs her the wrong way. Dylan retorts that she must rub Brandon the right way, and I give the scriptwriters props for sneaking that in there.

Meanwhile, Steve and Andrea finally arrive at the Peach Pit. Nat gives them an egg and directions to the convenience store that Emily left for them. So not only is Nat not stopping his favourite high school students from doing something that screams 'illegal', he's actually helping them? Jeez, Nathaniel, responsible much? Andrea takes the egg, confused, and Steve tells her to "get with the drill." Was that ever slang? "Get with the program," I've heard of, but "get with the drill?" Not so much. Andrea accidentally knocks over a cup of coffee, right onto the directions. They decide to forge on ahead anyway.

Back at the rave, Brandon is telling Emily that he doesn't want to dance. Because Brandon doesn't dance. That's a character trait you can never be reminded of too many times. He points out a giant burly guy that people keep coming up to, and Emily tells him that Big Burly Guy is a U4EA dealer. U4EA, for those of you at home, is a drug. A drug that Emily swears she's never tried before. (Spoiler: she's lying!) A drug that she attempts to get Brandon to take with her. Brandon, ever the sensible one, declines. After all, he does not get high. He just gets drunk and crashes Mondale. I do like that he reminds us of this, instead of being his usual high-and-mighty, Brandon-Walsh-can-do-no-wrong self and pretending that little incident never happened.

Steve and Andrea are driving around town, trying in vain to read the directions on the coffee-stained napkin. Andrea blames stupid Emily for not thinking to draw them a map on something sturdier than a napkin. It makes no sense, but since I love snarky Andrea, I'll let it slide. They stop at a convenience store they think might be the right one, and head inside to exchange the egg. Note: Steve's holding Andrea's hand. Cue the awww's. (Awww!) Now I can't decide which of the lines in this scene I'd rather quote for you, so here's the whole thing.



This is far and away my favourite scene in season two, maybe even the entire series. It's like a poultry-themed Who's On First.

Back in the nowhere-near-as-entertaining A-plot, Silver is sauced. It's okay, though, because drinking's only bad when Donna Martin does it. He talks with Brandon for a while about how he thinks of himself as "the host who's had the most," and then raves on for a while about how Donna likes him. God, if only Silver was drunk every episode. It almost makes him bearable.

Emily, still wanting to get high with Brandon, decides to take matters into her own hands and slips the U4EA into his soda. Good God, she's sociopathic. I hate it when Brenda's right. Some time later, Brandon tells her that he feels weird, and she admits that she, uh, drugged him, I guess. Brando's not as incensed about this as you'd think he'd be, probably because he's feeling a little too U4ic. Heh. You see what I did there? I'm oddly proud of myself for that one.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Steve are sitting in the 'Vette, totally and completely lost. Andrea snarks Emily some more about how she only joined the paper to get into Brandon's pants. She complains that, "this evening has been a total mmm." Insert your own bad word there. Steve tells her to stop apologising for who she is and get in the game, because the only reason Brandon only likes Emily is because she throws herself at him. He's so passionate about it, too. I love Steve so much. This is the sort of advice I imagine he'd give me if he was a real person and not just my fantasy BFF. Eventually, Andrea spots the right convenience store, and they head on in to exchange the egg.

Segue: I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was back in high school, and we were all doing some sort of crazy showstopping musical number. Steve Sanders was with us, and he and I sung a duet about how awesome we are. Sad but true.

At the rave, Silver and Donna are dancing wildly. Donna tells him she has to sit down, because she's "bushed." Silver's response? "Which one -- George or Barbara?" Ugh. And they say you're the witty one, Silver. There are so many cooler comebacks you could've used, and judging by Dylan's quip about the way Emily rubs Brandon, I'm pretty sure the network wouldn't have minded. Kelly, Dylan and Brenda come past for one final rendition of their tired Chide The Drunk Guy chorus. Seriously, you guys, shut the fuck up. So Silver's drunk. Why would you go to the trouble of sneaking out to a club if you weren't going to drink?

On the way back from the grungy bathroom ('grungy' in this case meaning disgusting,) Kelly and Brenda step on some drug paraphernalia and see a couple getting high in the corner. They realise that the place is crawling with ZOMG!druggies! Even though Dylan told her this would happen at the start of the night, Brenda acts like this is new information. She and Kel head on over to where Dylan is and tell him it's time to find Brandon and go. In Kelly's words, "This place is never again." Hmm. Again, I don't think calling stuff 'never again' was ever a thing, but I dig it. In fact, I think I'll use that.

Outside, Silver gets really sick, and Dylan holds his hair back while he munts all over a wall. Ew. Say what you want about Dylan, but he's all sorts of awesome to Silver in this scene. He doesn't even like Silver, and yet here we are. He even carries him over to Kelly's Beemer and sort-of hurls him into the backseat. That's some good lookin' out, McKay.

Dylan and Brenda find Brandon on the hood of Mondale, making out furiously with Emily. He even has his shirt unbuttoned, that hussy. Dylan recognises that he's off his face immediately. Brandon and Emily respond by telling them off for being too serious. It's actually kind-of funny, even though I know that this is the first of many DRUGSAREBAD episodes, and we should really be learning some kind of lesson from this. Dylan takes Brandon's keys and gives him money for a cab, then hustles Brenda towards his car.

Brenda's like, "We can't just leave Brandon here!" and Dylan responds with a monologue about how DRUGSAREBAD. It's an anti-drugs message that would be so much more effective if we didn't have Brandon in the background, hilariously standing on the hood of his car, chest bared, looking stoned out of his mind. I think this is the first time Brandon has ever stolen a scene. I'm a little impressed.

Meanwhile, Kelly is trying desperately to beat her mother home so she doesn't find out that Little Miss Honesty disobeyed her and went to the skeezy rave party. Of course, this doesn't stop her from being mean to Silver, who's moaning and groaning in the background like...well, like a guy who just downed a bottle of whiskey, actually. Kelly tells Donna that she made a mistake bringing him with them tonight, because he's "a geek and a pukemeister." Heh. Pukemeister. Kelly is winning the battle of the Awesome Nineties Slang I Never Knew Was Actually Slang today.

Oh, and in case you're interested, Kelly does not get home before Jackie. Bitch is grounded.

Steve and Andrea arrive at the rave at the same time the police do. Dammit, they never get to have any fun! They spot Brandon and Emily, assumedly so Jason Priestley can show off his cartoonish 'guy on drugs' acting, and Emily tells them that they have to get out of here because she's still got some U4EA on her. Steve grabs it out of her hand, then drags her towards the 'Vette by the wrist. I love it when he gets forceful. Andrea takes this time to tell Brandon how disgusted she is by his behaviour.

Back at the Walsh house, Brenda is waiting up for Brandon to come home. He does so, at six in the morning. God, I hope Jim and Cindy catch him. Brenda and Brandon have a D&M about the dangers of drugs and Brandon admits that "I totally lost control." Yeah, Brando. You unbuttoned your shirt! You sat on the hood of you car and made out with your girlfriend! Those crazy kids, I tell ya. Brandon finally tells us what Dylan was trying to tell us before Brando interrupted him with his shirtlessness -- "people talk about how drugs are cool, but it's just a big fake-out." Holy crap, that's not even remotely subtle. I do love that Kelly -- the girl who initially told her mother the truth about where she was going and chided everyone for drinking -- got grounded, but Brandon managed to get home without his parents even waking up.

The next day, Dylan and Brandon head back to the club to pick up Mondale...which has been stripped for parts and just generally trashed. Oh, here's the comeuppance. I love that whenever Brandon decides to be bad, it's always the car that suffers. Dylan tells Brandon, "I'm just glad you couldn't see yourself last night," and Brandon asks if it was really that bad. Actually, no, Brandon, it wasn't really. You didn't even take your shirt clean off. Brandon admits that he'll have to tell his parents because there's no lie big enough to cover Mondale's demise, even though I thought of at least four in the last second and a half. I guess I'd make a much more covert druggie than Brandon.

At home, Brandon tells his parents all about last night, never minding that he's dropping Brenda in it too. He neglects to mention that Emily's the one who drugged him, though. Jim and Cindy seem mad, despite the fact that their shitty parenting last night didn't help the situation. Then they get mad at Brenda for leaving him there. Emily drops by and tells her boyfriend's parents that she took care of him while he was high last night, like the lying druggie whore she is. I hate her more and more with every passing second. Steam is practically coming out of Brenda's ears, but she doesn't dime. She's such a good sister. I take back that stuff I said earlier about her being a bitch. The second they're alone, Brandon breaks up with Emily. She's all butthurt about it, despite the fact that it's all her fault. Literally, all her fault. Not a single other person is to blame except her. This right here is the reason I have zero sympathy for Emily Valentine in the episodes to come.

Andrea goes to the Peach Pit to talk to Brandon. Actually, 'talk' isn't the right word. She takes him to the kitchen, breaks an egg into the frying pan and tells him that it's his brain on drugs. No, I'm not joking. That's how unsubtle they're being here. The writers' laziness is so bad now that they're actually just recreating an anti-drug PSA. Rachael Leigh Cook would be so proud.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Time Tunnel

This is yet another first for ABC Not-Just-For-Kids -- I'm recapping a show I didn't watch when I was younger. Nothing against The Adventures of Pete and Pete; I just don't remember it even being shown here in Australia. And I definitely would remember it, because Big Pete was one of Kevin's brothers in the Home Alone movies. Nothing Home Alone-related gets past me. Nothing, y'hear?!

Don't worry, though, because I've been watching Pete and Pete on YouTube nonstop lately. It's got everything I want in a kids' show -- lots of bike-riding around town, a ranga, an awesome bully and a tale of unrequited teenage love. Let's meet (or remeet) the main characters:

Big Pete Wrigley (Michael Maronna) -- the oldest Pete. He's yet another cool ranga to add to our list, which is awesome, because that's only my favourite tag. Big Pete is usually our narrator, and every week he takes us on a Pete-filled adventure involving Pete. And sometimes, it also involves Pete. Little Pete, that is.

Little Pete Wrigley (Danny Tamberelli) -- the youngest Pete. He's kind of a jaded, annoying brat, so I don't have too much to say about him. Except that the kid who plays him was also Jackie Rodowsky in the Babysitters Club TV show.

Ellen Hickle (Alison Fanelli) -- Big Pete's best friend, and sometimes a little something more. She's such a sweetheart, even I have a little bit of an Ellen crush. Plus, she plays the French horn, and if we've learned anything from Freaks and Geeks, it's that Seth Rogen is hot for chicks who play brass instruments. (That's the lesson we were supposed to learn from Freaks and Geeks, right?)

Joyce Wrigley (Judy Grafe) -- the Petes' mother. She has a metal plate in her head. To be honest, none of the episodes I've seen feature very much of her, except the Mr. Tastee episode where she reveals that she and the boys' father met when he metal-detected her head at the beach.

Don Wrigley (Hardy Rawls) -- the Petes' father. He once found a car buried in the sand at the beach. Again, I'm not very well-versed on the parents yet.

Artie, the Strongest Man in the World (Toby Huss) -- a character I hate and only include here for authenticity's sake. I think he's a meth head or a pedophile or something.

Nona Mecklenberg (Michelle Trachtenberg) -- the slightly quirky neighbour. She's a friend of Little Pete's, and also, she's Michelle Trachtenberg pre-Harriet the Spy, so she gets an 'awesome' stamp from me. Plus, her dad's Iggy Pop. Seriously, Iggy Pop.

Endless Mike Hellstrom (Rick Gomez) -- the all-important bully. It wouldn't be a kids' show without a bully, and Mike really excels at it. I truly buy his commitment as the town badass.

Now let's get this recap started!

It's the last day of daylight savings time in Wellsville. (And, I suppose, the entire east coast.) Apparently every year on this day, the Petes decide to do something legendary with their extra hour, but this time Big Pete has something different up his sleeve -- he's going to ask Ellen Hickle out on a proper date to figure out once and for all whether or not she's his girlfriend or his friend who happens to be a girl. When he tells Little Pete of his plan, Little Pete reacts...well, let's just say he reacts. The words, "Kill me with a brick!" may have been used. This immediately (immediately!) reminds me of the scene Home Alone 2 where Kevin pelts the living shit out of Marv with bricks, which is coincidental because Big Pete was actually in that movie. To be fair, it's less likely to be a coincidence and more likely the fact that I can't stop thinking about Home Alone whenever Michael Maronna's on screen. God, I love those movies.

Big Pete has some narration time where he mentions that Little Pete wants to turn back more time than just an hour. I guess he's not ready to grow up yet, even though I sure would like him to. See, I don't like Little Pete. Not at all, not in the slightest. His antics don't amuse me, and the only reason I tolerate him is because he gets to hang out with cute-as-a-button Michelle Trachtenberg.

Big Pete finally gets up the courage to call Ellen from a tree outside her house. I had no idea cordless phones from the nineties could get reception that far away from its base, but there you go. Big Pete asks her out, and she nervously says yes. Aww, young love, blossoming right before our very eyes!

Meanwhile, Little Pete is getting ready for his trip back in time by wearing a mood ring (?) and eating a lot of riboflavin. (??) Nona's there, so it's okay. She's so cute, except for the tiny coffin she carries around with her. That's a little on the strange side.

In town, Big Pete's friend Teddy is riding one of those mechanical horsie rides they have out the front of stores. He appears to be enjoying it a little too much. Bill apparently bet him a dollar that he wouldn't ride it, but when Teddy asks him to pay up, Bill reveals that he actually said, "one doll hair." Heh. I'm so using that from now on. Sorry, Sportsbet.com, I actually bet twenty doll hairs on that footy game. Let me just go get my Barbies and settle up. Pete tells his buddies that he and Ellen are going out on a date, and they're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought. The boys decide that if the next car that comes along is a yellow schoolbus, it means the night will be a success. Naturally, Bus Driver Stu takes this opportunity to come by and give Big Pete a ride home. Wow, they're not even in school! Bus Driver Stu really goes that extra mile.

On the bus, Bus Driver Stu reveals that he and Bus Driver Sally broke up again. Dammit. I wish those crazy kids would just work it out. Big Pete begins to wonder if maybe this isn't such a good omen after all.

Little Pete and Nona are walking their bikes along the street, when Endless Mike comes by in his very own Mondale. Same colour as Brandon Walsh's and everything. Nona, who's the new girl on the block and doesn't realise that Endless Mike is who he is, tries to make friends with him. He responds by opening his car door and knocking her and Pete off their bikes. Wow. You know, I've noticed that a lot of bullies on these kids' shows are all talk, they don't really do all that much actual bullying, but shit, you guys. Endless Mike just knocked a little girl to the ground with a car door. That's pretty awful. And awesome. Not that I condone high-schoolers pushing little girls over, but way to actually be a bully, Endless Mike. I like your style. Anyway, Pete hatches a plan to use his extra hour to ruin Endless Mike's life and become a legend.

Big Pete decides to take his life into his own hands and ask Endless Mike if he can borrown his car for the evening. Surprisingly, Endless Mike says yes. He even gives Pete a lift to the drive-in after Pete reveals that he doesn't have a license. I guess Ellen will have to walk there, then. How chivalrous. At the drive in, Endless Mike gives Pete lessons on how to get lucky in a car. It involves fogging the windows up to create a "cocoon of love." The undertones here are subtle enough that they can get away with teaching Big Pete how to Zuko it up at the drive-in without too much trouble. Endless Mike's car even has a 'go' button that make the seats extend all the way back. That's a Quagmire move if I've ever seen one. Giggity giggity, Hellstrom. Giggity giggity.

Date night! Ellen arrives at the drive-in dressed in "a new vest and a nervous smile." Naww, Ellen. They talk for a little while about how weird it is that they're on a date, and do some more nervous smiling. (And vest-wearing.) Then Pete gets a little handsy and starts pulling the yawn-and-stretch move, and Ellen hurries off to get popcorn. Shot down, Pete. He decides that now's a good a time as any to prepare his cocoon of love, and tries to fog up the car windows by breathing on them. It does nothing. Way to breathe, No Breath. He eventually passes out on the car horn.

Nona and Little Pete, who've somehow snuck into the drive-in, attempt to lure the projectionist out of her little projection room to begin Operation End Endless Mike. So far, everything's perfect...except for the fact that Big Pete and Ellen are the ones in Endless Mike's car, not Endless Mike himself. A minor detail, as I'm sure he's not too far away.

Ellen returns with the popcorn and wakes Big Pete up. His recent coma was apparently personality-altering, and he decides to be Casanova all of a sudden. He even calls her "sugar love." Ick. Ellen complains that it's so foggy that they can't see the movie anymore, and he's all, "I know." Ellen suggests that perhaps they take this whole date thing a little slower, and Pete responds by putting on the charm and asking her, "Don't you wanna...know?" Know what, Pete? Is that 'know' in the biblical sense, because if it is...well, that's actually kinda awesome. I can't snark the Bible. Well, I could, but I'm not all that jazzed about the idea of eternal unrest, so...

Little Pete has infiltrated the projection room. He's pretty stealth for a loud, chubby ranga. He's shocked to see his own brother get out of Endless Mike's Mustang and head on over to the candy bar. Oh no! His plan! It's in tatters! TATTERS!

Big Pete returns to the car, and discovers that Ellen rolled the top down and destroyed his cocoon of love. Oh, Ellen. It's like you don't even care about all the trouble Pete's going to to get into your pants. Ten minutes before the movie's due to end, Pete realises that his window of opportunity is closing, so he presses the 'go' button and the two get horizontal. Ellen demands to know what kind of crazy shit Pete thinks he's pulling, and Pete's response? "It's the final test for us, Ellen. You hit the 'go' and then you know." Again with the knowing, Pete, you horny bastard! Ellen yells at Pete for a little bit, and then realises that they're not alone. Oh no, they're not alone.

Endless Mike's all, "Yo, I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by and see if you two were getting it on in my car." Big Pete is mortified. Little Pete is ecstatic that the victim of his time tunnel prank has finally arrivesd. Endless Mike tells Big Pete that his timing with the 'go' button was "tasty," but he's embarrassed at Pete's pathetic attempt at the cocoon of love. Ellen finally realises that Big Pete has been putting the moves on her the whole time. A little slow on the uptake there, Ellen. What did you think you two would be doing lying down in a car at the drive-in while he calls you sugar love and admires your vest? Ellen runs off, distraught, and Endless Mike slips into the front seat, apparently pleased with the way he ruined Big Pete's night.

Now see that, kids? That was some class-A bullying. It's simply not enough to tell the protagonist you're going to beat him up, or threaten him with a balled-up fist and suggest that his face needs rearranging. This was epic. Endless Mike saw an opportunity to destroy Pete's happiness, and by God, he took it. Endless Mike, you are such a legend, I can't even begin to tell you.

It's midnight, which means what, kids? Time tunnel time! Little Pete sets the clock back to eleven PM and the revenge plan goes ahead. He swaps the movie reel with one of Endless Mike's mother's home movies of him when he was a chubby baby, sitting on a potty doing his filthy baby business. Endless Mike, not happy at being ended, flips out and runs around the drive-in, yelling for people to avert their eyes. I'd congratulate Little Pete on his successful plan...if I didn't hate him so much. (And if I didn't love Endless Mike with an endless passion.)

Over the PA system, Little Pete pores his heart out about how unlike Big Pete, he can't forget his brother on such a momentous occasion. Big Pete remembers that tonight is the end of daylight savings, and Little Pete tells him that he has an hour to do something he's always wanted to do. Naturally, that one thing is Ellen. Not in a gross 'go' button way, though. Just in a let's-sort-everything-out-without-the-aid-of-Endless-Mike way.

Big Pete catches up to Ellen in front of her house and tells her that they can live the hour over again thanks to our good friend daylight savings. Ellen's all, "After what you did to me?" and Pete says, "I know." Hey Pete? Not the best choice of word right there, considering. Pete explains that he got lost in fantasies of the future, but he now realises that he just wants to be her friend again like they had been in the past. Aww, a thematic lesson learned. I love Nickelodeon.

Big Pete and Ellen say goodnight to one another with a friendly handshake. Then Ellen kisses him on the cheek. They they make out a little bit. Then Ellen goes inside and the episode ends with absolutely nothing being resolved, goddamnit! I guess Big Pete and Ellen were always meant for will-they-won't-theydom, but still. I need closure.

Meanwhile, Little Pete is riding his bike like the wind away from a crazed Endless Mike. How shit is Endless Mike's car that Pete can evade him on a pushbike? The chase leads him into the central time zone, so technically Little Pete got his wish and went back in time for more than one hour. That's actually a pretty awesome ending, even if it did involve Little Pete.

Ready Or Not: The Big Gulp

Feel free to click on the link and watch the episode first. (It's in three parts.) It's okay, I'll be right here when you get back.


Oh, the classic opening credits. Busy and Amanda are having fun and getting up to shenanigans in a photo booth. Not something you'd see this days -- it's all about camera phones now, baby. The "do you have money?" line of Amanda's at the very start of the theme song brings back about a thousand memories. In fact, this episode is one I remember so, so, so clearly. I'm pretty sure I only saw it the once, but it obviously had an effect on me.

The episode starts with Busy and Amanda hanging out in Busy's room making prank calls. Those were the days. Busy's looking up people with the surname "Dyck", and hopes that Mr. H Dyck's real name is Harry. Because then it would sound like "hairy dick." Do you get it? Do you? Oh, stop groaning, I bet you thought it was hysterical back then. Busy calls Mr. Dyck and asks him if his refrigerator is running. Okay, I'm pretty sure that even back in 1993, that joke was stale. Amanda and Busy think it's hilarious. Ah, to be young and brainless.

The phone rings, and Amanda freaks out, thinking Mr. Dyck has traced their call. Relax, Amanda; I don't think that technology has been invented yet. Busy answers it, and it's just some girl calling for her brother Dom. Hey, it's Dom! I loved Dom! He was always so cool, with his high school-ness and his pizza delivery job. (This whole episode is based around Dom's pizza delivery job, so you'll be glad I mentioned it later.)

The girls get hungry and go downstairs, where they run into Dom. Apparently he's an hour late for work, but still has time to say hello to Amanda. It's not noteworthy at all, except that I was an Amanda/Dom shipper. (You know, later in life -- I'm not that sick.) While Busy looks for something to eat, Amanda tells her that Chrissy, a popular seventh-grader, is having a slumber party, and the cool guys are going to crash it. She totally wants to go because she thinks it'll be fun. Busy totally doesn't because as she says to Amanda, "your idea of fun is painting your toenails geometric shapes." How strangely descriptive. And also, just plain weird. I'm not sure how that would even work.

Dom comes back looking for his car keys, and Amanda and Busy convince him to let them tag along. Which sounds even more boring than what they were doing before, but okay. Whatever floats your pre-teen boats. Oh, and for all you Buffy fans out there, you may recognise Dom as the guy who was supposed to take Buffy to the senior prom, but bitched out at the last minute. Which was okay, though, because then Angel came and they danced to 'Wild Horses'. Good times. Anyway.

Dom drives like a maniac. He explains to B&A that if the pizzas are delivered cold, they're free. Considering Dom's already an hour late (and maybe more by now), I'm gonna bet that he doesn't make a whole lotta money tonight. Busy and Amanda aren't helping things by eating the pizza. See Dom, this is why you don't take twelve-year-olds along on pizza deliveries. You'll learn the hard way, but you will learn.

The car pulls up at Chrissy's house. The fact that Amanda knows where Chrissy lives is a little stalker-esque. Dom complains that it's the girls' fault that he's late, "because I was driving too slow because I was worried you'd tell Mom." Hee! Amanda offers to deliver the pizza for him, and says that they were actually invited to the party, and Dom can pick them (and his money) up later. Dom, who apparently has had some sort of brain-fade in the last three seconds, agrees to this. No, Dom, no. Oh my God, why? This guy should not be allowed out.

Amanda decides that they'll deliver the pizzas and then sneak into the party. My, what a plan. B&A ring the doorbell, and Cool Chrissy answers the door. We know she's cool because she's blonde, mean and thirteen. I'm two out of three, so I guess I'm cool too. Yay for me. Chrissy says she's not paying because the pizzas are cold, and then slams the door in their faces. Hee! Busy's pissed 'cause she didn't pay. Amanda's pissed because she barely acknowledged them. These girls and their priorities. Need I remind you all that they're stranded on Chrissy's doorstep now? Of course I don't, because unlike these two, that's probably the first thing you thought of.

Amanda and Busy spy on the party through an open window. The girls are doing a seance, trying to bring Elvis back. I remember this bit so clearly, because, well, you just don't forget something like that. They offer Elvis pizza if he rises. Which, if I know my Elvis, is definitely a deal the big guy would go for. Busy makes some noise to spook the girls, and they're positive that Elvis's spirit is with them. Chrissy lifts the lid and sees that there's a slice of pizza missing. They're like, "OMG, Elvis ate the pizza!" Um, no. A world of no. It never crosses their mind that maybe the pizza delivery guy (or his sister) may have eaten it. No no, the most logical explanation is that Elvis's ghostly presence managed to remove a slice of pizza from the closed box without anyone noticing. Mmkay.

The Asian girl is skeptical. Probably because she's Asian. I'm just saying, even though the nineties were basically a decade-long We-Love-Racial-Diversity parade, they still stuck to the age-old stereotypes. Later on, when they're watching the token slumber party horror film, even money says the black girl will start yelling at the screen, "Don't go in there! He's behind the door!" Anyway, the Asian girl goes into the front yard and sees Amanda and Busy spying on them. Ruh-roh!

The seventh-graders bring Amanda and Busy inside and start cooking up their punishment. (There are only six of them, so I don't know how Amanda was going to sneak into the party and not be noticed, but okay.) One girl thinks they should have to eat all the pizza. Dude, if that's what they call a punishment, I'm so going over there and pretending to be Elvis tonight. Chrissy decides that they'll have to "babysit Charlotte, clean out the toilet, eat lemons...and then we'll shave their heads." Even before watching this episode, I could've told you what all those punishments were. That's how well I remember this episode. The head-shaving thing freaked me out. I was like, "But no! Amanda has such pretty long hair! Don't do it, Chrissy!"

Side note: the actress playing Chrissy looks pretty much the way I always imagined Stacey from The Babysitters Club would look if she was a real person. (Then the BSC TV show came out, and I was thoroughly disappointed.) Now that I think about, Busy would make a good Kristy Thomas as well; however, the Asian girl is too annoying to be Claudia. The black girl could be Jessi, though, because Jessi had no discernible personality whatsoever and could be played by anyone, so long as they're black. Moving on.

Before the girls can work out a suitable punishment for Busy and Amanda, the boys arrive. The pyjama-clad girls freak out and start screaming. Chrissy's like, "OMG, Justin, I can't believe you came!" in a way that makes me think she A) knew they were going to crash, and B) totally digs it. She has to change first, though. Justin and Chrissy aren't together yet, so I guess they have three episodes to hook up before they all go on band camp and Amanda tells everyone that they had sex. (Episode 9, 'Double Talk' -- watch it!)

The boys, unlike the girls, have actual characters and personalities, which I will helpfully outline for you now:
Justin -- the token cute boy Amanda's crushing on
Gus -- the token bad boy who wants to get drunk
Troy -- the token black guy who Busy's crushing on
Emory -- the token four-eyed loser, who no one's crushing on, on account of him being a loser

Justin sees Amanda and is like, "Whoah, what are you doing here?" Busy and Troy greet each other, and I do believe they'd make a nice couple. (IMDb tells me they get together later, but I have no recollection of that.) Justin uses one of the girls' seance candles to lip-synch a serenade for Amanda, and she is So Totally In Love. Personally, I think Gus is the better-looking one out of all of them. Plus, he's baaad, and if we've learned anything from Ship to Shore and Round the Twist, the baaad boys are always the most attractive. (Even if they're butt fugly.)

Busy talks to Emory, and he says that he and Justin have been best friends since kindergarten. I guess Justin's drifting. Sucks to be Emory, I suppose. Chrissy sees the two girls and tells them to go upstairs, call their ride and get out. I think we're meant to see her as being a bitch here, but I so don't blame her. Twelve-year-olds just aren't good company when you're thirteen. Plus, she doesn't even know them. It's weird. Amanda's weird for wanting to come. I think Amanda has a big ol' girl crush on Chrissy.

B&A go upstairs to the kitchen, where Chrissy's little sister Charlotte (of babysitting punishment fame) is upstairs eating cereal. Kind-of a weird time to be doing that, but okay. I eat cereal at all hours of the night, but I'm not a strict meal-planned seven-year-old. Gus, Emory and Justin follow them, because apparently Gus has already drunk all the liquor downstairs and is looking for more. Go, Gus! Wow, I just had a moment there where I was about to snark the boys for not bringing their own booze, before remembering that they're thirteen and not even close to being the legal drinking age. I feel so old now.

Gus hilariously says, "What kind of party is this without any brew?" Um, a slumber party. A thirteen-year-old girl's slumber party. All they wanted to do was eat pizza and call Elvis from his grave. It's not a party at all. Little Charlotte tells the boys that there are a bunch of bottles under the sink, because "my mom likes having a nice big drink to relax." Aw, some not-so-subtle alcoholic undertones. Nice. She also goes on to say that her mother is out with her new boyfriend, who smokes. Justin gets all patronising and says, "Smoking's bad for you, isn't it?" and laughs. Shut up, Justin. Gus may be a dick, but at least he's consistent. Don't try to be the good guy.

Gus mixes a bunch of liqours in a paper cup. Classy. Justin says, "This stuff is FINE!" and not ironically, either. That's actually how Justin talks. What a catch. He offers some to Amanda, and she smells it and declines. He pushes the cup in Busy's face, and she says, not missing a beat, "Go away. Far away." Justin backs away. Hee! Go Busy! She hangs up the phone, pissed because she can't reach her parents or Dom. Ah, the days without mobile phones. What did we do without them?

Chrissy comes in and goes psycho at Charlotte for being up past her bedtime. Then she goes psycho at the boys for drinking her mother's liquor. Then she goes psycho at Busy and Amanda for still being there. That's a whole lotta psycho from Chrissy. I hope Amanda's girl crush doesn't suffer from this little display. Gus forces Emory to "try some liquids", and then the boys laugh at him when he doesn't like it. In the words of Busy, "Nice friends." Busy is so awesome. I can't believe just how awesome she is.

In the living room, everyone's passing around this bottomless cup of nondescript alcohol. A certain long-haired dude is pretty interested in getting the black girl drunk. Because if you have greasy long hair, that's the only way girls will like you. That's a lesson we can all learn from. Apparently Gus is the Keeper of the Cup, though, because he takes it right off her after she's had a sip. Two girls in the corner vow not to drink, because "look at them!" Yes, look at them dancing and talking after getting sauced off two sips of booze! How rebellious! Amanda and Busy are watching this from the staircase, looking pretty unimpressed.

Chrissy turns off the music and announces that they're going to play Two Minutes in the Closet. I never played that growing up. It didn't help that I went to an all-girls' school and didn't know a whole lot of boys until Year Eight, but it's just not something we ever did. Amanda offers to let them borrow her red lipgloss, and Chrissy's like, "Fuck off, little girl." Justin invites the girls to stay, because he's so sensitive and stuff. My arse he's sensitive. He's a jerk with a good poker face, is what he is. Oh, and the Asian girl's name is Melissa. Good to know, because I'm tired of calling her the Asian girl. Justin tells Amanda that "it'll be you and me first." Amanda's So Totally In Love again.

Long-Haired Dude and Black Girl go first. Justin is such a shameless liar. Amanda gets to time them though, so she feels included. The nameless duo go into the closet and come out two minutes later with red lipstick all over their faces. OMG KISSING! Scandalous! Melissa chooses Gus to go in with her, and as it turns out, the dude's all talk. LOSER! They just stand there for two minutes. LAME! The others open the closet door, and Melissa says Gus didn't make a move. FAIL! Gus is like, "I did too; I just wiped all the lipstick off!" Again, I must go with the original LOSER!

Gus, being a major shit-heel, immediately turns the attention to Emory. He's like, "Get in the closet, you scared lame-o!" and Emory does, because peer pressure is a bitch. Gus calls Emory a "sucky-face nerd," which I think is just about the funniest trash talk I've heard in a long while. Chrissy reacts like it's the worst name she's ever heard anyone being called. They're all going to get a nasty shock when they reach high school.

No one wants to go into the closet to kiss Emory, because he's such a sucky-face nerd. Chrissy suggests that Amanda and Busy do it, as punishment for spying on the girls before. The sure as hell don't want to. Gus and Long-Haired Dude grab them and try to push them into the closet, and they struggle like it's attempted rape or something. How sad for Emory. Justin tells Gus that he's being a douche, but the second Emory comes out of the closet (literally, I mean), he's like, "Okay, we've got two of 'em puckered-up and ready to go, so go kiss 'em." Okay, first thing, Justin? That's not how the game works. The 'closet' part in the title loses all its meaning if you are not, in fact, in a closet. And secondly, YOU'RE A DICK! You'll never be anything but a dick, so stop pretending to be the good guy! At least Gus commits to his dickish ways.

Speaking of, Gus gives up on forcing Amanda to kiss Emory. He decides instead to pay him out for being a wimp to cover up his own insecurities. How psychological. They try to make Justin the good guy again by sticking up to Gus...and telling him that Emory'll do it. Um, no. Justin is a dick. Stop fighting it. Then Gus randomly tells Emory to strip. I have absolutely no idea why. I'm thinking maybe Gus is a bit gay. Everyone else apparently thinks it's a good idea too, and they start chanting, "Strip! Strip! Strip!" Emory gets hella upset, screaming at them to leave him alone. Gus eventually gets sick of this shit and rips off Emory's shirt. What the fracking frack? Gus is the weirdest.

Emory, who's a little bit on the chubby side, runs upstairs and puts on his jacket. Troy expresses his dislike of Gus's actions, then says to Justin, "Look at you, man, you're wasted." Yeah, wasted off of those two sips of alcohol. Justin's not wasted, he's just a dick. Why can nobody else accept the fact that Justin's a dick? Emory runs out the door, and Justin stumbles after him, because apparently he got more wasted in the last ten seconds or something. He's like, "Come back! You don't have to do it if you don't want to! I'm sorry!" Too fucking little, too fucking late, Justin. Then he adds, "It's not my fault!" BECAUSE HE IS A DICK! Then he throws up, because he's so wasted. Gah, this is pathetic.

Amanda and Busy are back in Dom's car. I guess he finally picked them up. Good lookin' out, big bro. He goes on about how wild their sleepover must've been, but they're so traumatised from the party that they don't say much. Busy tells Dom that they forgot to get the money for the pizza. Which is kind-of an unnecessary lie. The pizzas were cold, Chrissy was entitled to have them for free. Why is simply forgetting to ask for the money a better excuse? I don't get it. Dom goes nuts.

Emory is walking in the cold, and Amanda and Busy tell Dom to pull over because he's a friend of theirs. To quote Busy again, "Nice friends." They obviously care very little for his feelings, considering they were physically fighting to get out of going into the closet with him. They tell Emory they'll give him a lift, but he says that he'll walk. Dom tells him that it's cold out there, and Emory just turns around and keeps walking. End of episode. Yeah, I don't quite get it either.


I end this recap with a not-so-fun fact: According to IMDb, Jesse, Nilsson, the guy who plays Justin, is dead. Um, wow. That's kinda sad. Apparently he died in 2003 of pneumonia-related heart failure. And here I was all ready to make fun of his shitty post-RoN career, which is still a damn sight better than most RoN actors despite the handicap of being dead. So instead of snarking this tragically-dead-before-his-time actor's body of work, I'll just tell you that he was once in a movie called Teenage Space Vampires and let you do with that info what you will. Sound good? Okay then. See you next time.

Round The Twist Series 2: Yuckles

This episode is from season two, which if memory serves was aired in 1992 or thereabouts. I remember having the last 20 seconds (and the awesome-upon-awesome end credits in their entirety) on my Rugrats tape. I do believe Bangers and Mash was on right after it, 'cause my mother never was any good at the whole setting-the-VCR dealie. Fine by me, though, because when I found this series on DVD at the library, I was hit with a gigantic wave of nostalgia. Let me tell you -- this episode ain't easy to forget.

Mr. Gribble is giving the locals a rundown of his Hairbrained Scheme of the Week -- he's going to cut down the forest and build a casino. As usual, his wife and the bullies are right beside him. I should just mention that this second Gribbs (Richard Young) was probably the best one. The twelve-year-old Lorelai in me just shot herself, because she used to be head-over-heels in love with the very last Gribbs. Like, madly in love. Now that I'm older and no longer macking on young boys anymore, I feel like I'm more impartial and thus give my stamp of approval to Gribbs #2. Congratulations, sir. Moving on now.

Linda, who if you'll recall is saintly and morally conscious (almost to a fault...without the 'almost' part), is outraged. Mr. Gribble tells her not to worry, because there will be some nice plastic trees for her to look at in the lobby. Not likely, Mr. G, she's only fourteen. Bronson's all, "But what about the animals?" and the Matron awesomely snarks back, "Plastic animals!" Hee! Normally I hate the Matron, but I have to admit that bitch has a great sense of humour.

Town meeting time. Whatever happened to all those town meetings in the later years? Anyway, Nell's presenting a slideshow about how beautiful the forest is, and how Mr. Gribble shouldn't be allowed to cut it down. We also get our first mention of Yuckles, an extremely rare species of yellow spotted mushroom that's supposedly found deep in the forest. Harold's like, "Shut up, bitch, no one's even seen a Yuckle!" The Lady Mayor, whose name I don't recall, calls on Linda, who goes on a LindaRant about how Mr. Gribble's generation has already failed the children of tomorrow or whatever. Shut up, Linda, nobody cares. Oh, and things are really tense between Fay and Tony, because they recently broke up and now Fay's dating Snapper. Ew.

Lady Mayor says that she'll give Nell until tomorrow's council meeting to come up with some proof that Yuckles exist, or else she'll put the casino idea to a vote. Two things -- would Lady Mayor really let a greasy businessman rip down an entire forest to put in a casino even if it wasn't infested with yellow mushrooms? Al Gore would shit a brick if he knew. And also, why is this Nell's responsibility? She's an old lady! Surely they can get some council people to go over there and have a squiz. Is it really that difficult? That's just lazy, Lady Mayor. Lazy.

As she's leaving the town hall, Nell falls over and sprains her ankle. See, Lady Mayor? Nell can't even walk down some stairs without breaking something! How can you make her go into the forest all by her onesie in search of Yuckles? How irresponsible! The Matron comes to check out her leg, because according to Mr. Gribble, "my wife has six diplomas." Hee! That's a running joke that really never got old. Other things to note in this scene -- the bullies don't laugh at Nell falling over, which is not really like them. People falling over is always funny, especially to bunch of mean boys in their early teens, and especially if it's an old person. Oh, and Bronson's wearing a Batman T-shirt. Mad props, B.

The next day, Nell enlists the help of Pete and Linda to go out into the forest and find the Yuckles. They tell Bronson that he can't come because he's too young, even though Bronson's usually the smarter of the three. Nell says that she's going to try and track down Professor Yuckle, the guy who discovered the Yuckles all those years ago. She has a photo of him standing next to a Yuckle with his twin brother. Which, personally, seems like pretty good proof that Yuckles exist to me, but apparently photographic evidence is not good enough for the Lady Mayor. Pete and Linda leave Bronson to hang out with Tony, who's all mopey over his break-up with Fay. Bronson soon decides to high-tail it outta there and follow P&L.

There's a little interlude where the Lighthouse Ghosts are sitting on the stairs watching Tony wallow in his own self-pity whilst looking at a photo album filled with happy snaps of him and Fay. Remember the Lighthouse Ghosts? One of them was played by a Daddo. Apparently Ghost Daddo can identify with what Tony's going through, because he gets a little teary, and Ghost Not-Daddo tells him "you'll never find her again." Ouch. Kinda harsh, Ghost Not-Daddo. Apparently the truth hurts everyone, even ghosts.

The bullies arrive at the forest. They've been sent by Mr. Gribble to make sure that if there are Yuckles in the forest, they're destroyed. The bullies come across a little pool of foul-smelling yellow gunk. Gribbs quips, "Ain't nature beautiful?" and I chuckle, because I love Gribbs. I also like the fact that he's a ranga with a mouth full of metal, and yet somehow he's the bully. It's the most logic-defying part of the entire show, and that's really saying something. Gribbs tells Tiger and Rabbit that if there are Yuckles in the forest, "the Twists will lead us straight to 'em." Then he throws his strawberry Big M carton on the ground -- because only bad boys litter. Captain Planet would be so disappointed.

Just after the bullies leave, a small mushroom with red spots suddenly grows right next to the Big M carton. Oh zing, it's a Yuckle! Score one to crazy old Nell! The yuckle grows to about the size of the Big M carton, then turns into a perfect facsimile of it. So now there are two Big M cartons. I have to say, it's not the world's best special effect, but it's not half bad either.

Pete and Linda ride up on their bikes, and Pete can smell the yellow gunk before he sees it and says, "This place pongs!" And I laugh, because I haven't heard the word 'pongs' in years. It died a quiet, peaceful slang death along with the words 'grouse' and 'dead meat'. I'm kind-of hoping that either of these come up in the remainder of this episode. P&L leave to go off into the forest, and the Yuckle disguised as a Big M carton makes a little giggling sound and explodes into a pool of...you guessed it, yellow gunk. So now we know how the Yuckles work, let's see how we can use this premise to create hilarious shenanigans!

Bronson arrives at the forest, and the three separate parties take this time to tick off their necessities checklist. On Pete and Linda's -- a compass, a map and a camera. On Bronson's -- chips, jam tarts and chocolate royals. (That's be my necessities checklist, too.) On the bullies' -- a giant stick and an axe. Oh my God, I love this episode. It's not specifically stated, but Rabbit is also carrying what appears to be a machete. What?! Where did he even get a machete? This is hysterically ludicrous, and I love it.

The kids go on their merry way -- Pete and Linda follow their map, Bronson follows P&L, and the bullies follow Bronson. It's classic. Along the way, Rabbit steps in some of the yellow Yuckle gunk, and the boys make him bring up the rear because "he sure smells like it." Seriously, I love these bullies. (Rabbit not so much.) But Gribbs and Tiger are WIN. How they didn't get their own spin-off series is beyond me.

Pete suddenly falls over and rolls down a hill. What a great stunt that was [/sarcasm]. There is no point to this scene, except that Pete's accidentally torn a hole in his backpack, and things keep falling out of it along the way. Of course, every item that hits the ground immediately causes a Yuckle to grow and turn into said item.

P&L get to a waterfall, and the only way to cross over to the other side is by walking across a slippery tree trunk. Linda does it with ease. Well gee, Linda, aren't you fabulous? What do you want, a medal? Pete is less enthused about doing this, and I have to say, I'm siding with Pete on this one. He gets about halfway across (with Linda making unnecessary comments from the other side. Stupid fucking Linda) when he slips and falls, one leg on each side of the log. Um, ouch, I guess. I'm a female of this particular species, but it's undoubtedly common knowledge that the groin area is, well, a sensitive place, and that couldn't have been much fun for poor Petie. He screams so loud, the bullies actually stop in their tracks, and Rabbit says, "Was that a Yuckle, Gribbsy?" Hee! The look on Gribbs's face is priceless.

Bronson crosses the waterfall pretty easily, considering. He picks up the compass that's fallen out the bottom of Pete's backpack. (Or is it..?) He hears the giggling sound, and the compass explodes in his hand, splattering him with stinky yellow gunk. Naww, poor Bronson! He always gets the short stick. If only bloody Linda would occasionally. That I'd like to see. Oh, and the Yuckles laugh at Bronson. Mean Yuckles!

Cut straight to the waterfall again. Rabbit is crawling right along the tree trunk, scared shitless. Gribbs is like, "Don't be a wimp! The Twist sheila went across, and the little squirt!" That. Is. So. True. Rabbit keeps repeating, "It's just a footpath, it's just a footpath," and I'm reminded why I dig Rabbit. This second Rabbit is pretty lame, though. I think I'm a fan of Rabbit #3.

Pete and Linda stop to discuss sandwiches. Yeah, I don't know, either. They hear Bronson stepping on a twig, and his cover is almost blown. Because this is the quietest forest on the planet. They didn't hear the fucking Yuckles laughing, but they heard when Bronson stepped on a twig. Even the bullies heard it. Jeez. As Pete leaves, a mug falls out of his backpack and hits the floor. A mug? For any coffee emergencies that may present themselves in the forest? Anyway, Bronson continues following P&L...and just happens to witness the Yuckles doing their transformation thing on the mug. He's like, "what the fuck is this?"

Pete and Linda finally -- finally! -- come across a whole bunch of giant Yuckles. They're all excited-like, and Pete puts his backpack on the ground. Linda takes some pictures to bring back to the council meeting. When the two look up again, there are now two backpacks. Linda can't grasp what's just happened, because nothing remotely weird has ever happened to her, ever. Pete goes to pick up one of the backpacks, and Bronson comes out, screaming at Pete not to touch it. Pete says to Bronson, "What are you doing here, toilet face?" and I wonder at exactly what age 'toilet face' stops being acceptable trash talk. Suddenly the backpack explodes all over Pete. Hee! I'm laughing almost as much as the Yuckles are!

Suddenly, Gribbs reveals himself. He tells his boys, "Seek and destroy!" Gribbs, I don't care if you are a fourteen-year-old brace-face ranga, I would like for you to marry me. I imagine that Richard Young is probably in his thirties now, but I don't want Richard Young -- I want Gribbs, dammit! The Twists split up, which is pretty smart, I guess. Instead of putting that machete to good use and destroying the Yuckles, all three bullies decide to run after Linda to steal her photos. Brilliant. Obviously when Gribbs and I do wed, I'll have to be the brains of the family.

There's a bit of a running-away montage, so nothing really happens for a while except that Pete and Bronson find each other in the bushes, and Pete tells Bronson to go to the council meeting and stall them until Linda gets there with the photos. Not important, moving on. I might take this time to tell you that when I was younger, I always really wanted Gribbs and Linda to get together. I don't know why, but I just did. They actually did for a couple of episodes in Series 3, when Linda accidentally read the Viking Book of Love poem to Gribbs, so I got my wish...for a little while. And it was so worth the wait, let me tell you. Anyway.

Linda runs around in circles, and ends up in the same Yuckles clearing she started out in. WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT? She's got the whole fucking forest at her feet! Go to the goddamned council meeting, you douche!

Speaking of the council meeting, people have started arriving already. Fay's there with Snapper, and Tony delves deeper into his funk. Poor Tony. Nell comes to sit next to him, and tells him about how she tried to contact Professor Yuckle, and discovered that A) he's dead, and B) he didn't actually have a twin brother. So who was that Professor Yuckle lookalike in the photo with him? And why is this relevant? If you don't already know, I suggest you take a couple of common sense lessons, for your own good. How you've survived this long without them is beyond me.

Bronson rushes into the council meeting and says he and his siblings have proof that Yuckles exist, and that Linda will be there any second with the photos. Not if she doesn't get the fuck out of that forest, she won't, Bronson! This is Linda we're talking about -- she digs the forest way too much to ever leave it, even when there are three bullies with varying degrees of weaponry stashed in their backpacks running after her.

The bullies find Linda soon after (surprise, surprise) and Gribbs says, "Give us them photos or you're dead meat!" Again, thank you for the hip nineties slang. Linda doesn't respond to Gribbs's threats...at all. She just stands there, expressionless. The bullies are like, WTF? Gribbs decides to end this shit, and tackles her to the ground. Hee! You should've used more force, Gribbs.

The boys hold her down and attempt to...um, well, frisk her, I guess. Suddenly Linda smiles, and Gribbs gets weirded out, because this sort of morally-reprehensible behaviour doesn't usually turn Linda on. We hear the patented Yuckle giggle, and Linda explodes into a big mushy pile of stinky yellow gunk that all the boys fall in. Hee! 'Cause she touched a Yuckle and copied herself! Only Linda would ever think to do something like that.

Gribbs and the boys? They freak. The fuck. Out. They think they've killed Linda. I'm sorry, but what? They're fourteen years old -- at what age exactly do kids start to realise that people are NOT made up of gooey yellow shit? I think I learned that the first time I scraped my knee and started bleeding. Man, they're dumb. The highlight of this episode is definitely Gribbs crying and screaming, "I'm sorry, Linda!" to the yellow gunk. Legendary.

At the council meeting, Lady Mayor decides she can't wait any longer for Linda to arrive with the photos. Seriously, reading this, you'd think Lady Mayor is supposed to be evil, but she's not. Maybe she's hot for Harold Gribble. I don't know. As the townsfolk are about to vote on whether or not they want the casino to go ahead, the bullies burst into the room. They hold up a couple of plastic baggies filled with the yellow gunk saying, "This is all that's left of the Twist sheila!" Hee! Classic! They actually scooped Linda's remains into a plastic baggie! I love these boys.

They try to shirk the blame on each other, saying it's not their fault she died, and they weren't even near her when she "went up." Tiger tells Tony he was actually trying to save her at the time. Tony looks at the baggie and says, "Linda?" which makes me laugh. Mr. Gribble's reaction? "She always was a delicate kid." Hee! This show rocks.

While all the adults are getting a bit flustered over the whole Linda-turned-into-mush thing, Linda and Pete arrive with the photos! The bullies are hilariously confused, and keep looking from her to the baggies and then back to her. Harold quickly grabs the photos from her, in a state of disbelief and rage, and Gribbs quickly realises that those photos might not be what they seem. How he even realised what's going on so quickly is beyond me, especially coming from the kid who didn't realise that the puddle of smelly yellow muck was NOT Linda Twist.

Sure enough, the photos make the giggling sound and explode in Mr. Gribble's and the Matron's faces. Suck it, Gribble! It does seem a little strange to me that the Twists thought it'd be funny to make copies of the photos for the sole purpose of making Mr. Gribble look like a fool, but okay. I'll play along -- only because I adore this show more than mere words can express.

Well, that's it for this recap. I'll be back next time with another ABC Kids show, and another episode to recap. Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, and have a nice day! Oh, and if you see a strawberry Big M carton on the ground, don't pick it up...just in case.