The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Time Tunnel

This is yet another first for ABC Not-Just-For-Kids -- I'm recapping a show I didn't watch when I was younger. Nothing against The Adventures of Pete and Pete; I just don't remember it even being shown here in Australia. And I definitely would remember it, because Big Pete was one of Kevin's brothers in the Home Alone movies. Nothing Home Alone-related gets past me. Nothing, y'hear?!

Don't worry, though, because I've been watching Pete and Pete on YouTube nonstop lately. It's got everything I want in a kids' show -- lots of bike-riding around town, a ranga, an awesome bully and a tale of unrequited teenage love. Let's meet (or remeet) the main characters:

Big Pete Wrigley (Michael Maronna) -- the oldest Pete. He's yet another cool ranga to add to our list, which is awesome, because that's only my favourite tag. Big Pete is usually our narrator, and every week he takes us on a Pete-filled adventure involving Pete. And sometimes, it also involves Pete. Little Pete, that is.

Little Pete Wrigley (Danny Tamberelli) -- the youngest Pete. He's kind of a jaded, annoying brat, so I don't have too much to say about him. Except that the kid who plays him was also Jackie Rodowsky in the Babysitters Club TV show.

Ellen Hickle (Alison Fanelli) -- Big Pete's best friend, and sometimes a little something more. She's such a sweetheart, even I have a little bit of an Ellen crush. Plus, she plays the French horn, and if we've learned anything from Freaks and Geeks, it's that Seth Rogen is hot for chicks who play brass instruments. (That's the lesson we were supposed to learn from Freaks and Geeks, right?)

Joyce Wrigley (Judy Grafe) -- the Petes' mother. She has a metal plate in her head. To be honest, none of the episodes I've seen feature very much of her, except the Mr. Tastee episode where she reveals that she and the boys' father met when he metal-detected her head at the beach.

Don Wrigley (Hardy Rawls) -- the Petes' father. He once found a car buried in the sand at the beach. Again, I'm not very well-versed on the parents yet.

Artie, the Strongest Man in the World (Toby Huss) -- a character I hate and only include here for authenticity's sake. I think he's a meth head or a pedophile or something.

Nona Mecklenberg (Michelle Trachtenberg) -- the slightly quirky neighbour. She's a friend of Little Pete's, and also, she's Michelle Trachtenberg pre-Harriet the Spy, so she gets an 'awesome' stamp from me. Plus, her dad's Iggy Pop. Seriously, Iggy Pop.

Endless Mike Hellstrom (Rick Gomez) -- the all-important bully. It wouldn't be a kids' show without a bully, and Mike really excels at it. I truly buy his commitment as the town badass.

Now let's get this recap started!

It's the last day of daylight savings time in Wellsville. (And, I suppose, the entire east coast.) Apparently every year on this day, the Petes decide to do something legendary with their extra hour, but this time Big Pete has something different up his sleeve -- he's going to ask Ellen Hickle out on a proper date to figure out once and for all whether or not she's his girlfriend or his friend who happens to be a girl. When he tells Little Pete of his plan, Little Pete reacts...well, let's just say he reacts. The words, "Kill me with a brick!" may have been used. This immediately (immediately!) reminds me of the scene Home Alone 2 where Kevin pelts the living shit out of Marv with bricks, which is coincidental because Big Pete was actually in that movie. To be fair, it's less likely to be a coincidence and more likely the fact that I can't stop thinking about Home Alone whenever Michael Maronna's on screen. God, I love those movies.

Big Pete has some narration time where he mentions that Little Pete wants to turn back more time than just an hour. I guess he's not ready to grow up yet, even though I sure would like him to. See, I don't like Little Pete. Not at all, not in the slightest. His antics don't amuse me, and the only reason I tolerate him is because he gets to hang out with cute-as-a-button Michelle Trachtenberg.

Big Pete finally gets up the courage to call Ellen from a tree outside her house. I had no idea cordless phones from the nineties could get reception that far away from its base, but there you go. Big Pete asks her out, and she nervously says yes. Aww, young love, blossoming right before our very eyes!

Meanwhile, Little Pete is getting ready for his trip back in time by wearing a mood ring (?) and eating a lot of riboflavin. (??) Nona's there, so it's okay. She's so cute, except for the tiny coffin she carries around with her. That's a little on the strange side.

In town, Big Pete's friend Teddy is riding one of those mechanical horsie rides they have out the front of stores. He appears to be enjoying it a little too much. Bill apparently bet him a dollar that he wouldn't ride it, but when Teddy asks him to pay up, Bill reveals that he actually said, "one doll hair." Heh. I'm so using that from now on. Sorry, Sportsbet.com, I actually bet twenty doll hairs on that footy game. Let me just go get my Barbies and settle up. Pete tells his buddies that he and Ellen are going out on a date, and they're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought. The boys decide that if the next car that comes along is a yellow schoolbus, it means the night will be a success. Naturally, Bus Driver Stu takes this opportunity to come by and give Big Pete a ride home. Wow, they're not even in school! Bus Driver Stu really goes that extra mile.

On the bus, Bus Driver Stu reveals that he and Bus Driver Sally broke up again. Dammit. I wish those crazy kids would just work it out. Big Pete begins to wonder if maybe this isn't such a good omen after all.

Little Pete and Nona are walking their bikes along the street, when Endless Mike comes by in his very own Mondale. Same colour as Brandon Walsh's and everything. Nona, who's the new girl on the block and doesn't realise that Endless Mike is who he is, tries to make friends with him. He responds by opening his car door and knocking her and Pete off their bikes. Wow. You know, I've noticed that a lot of bullies on these kids' shows are all talk, they don't really do all that much actual bullying, but shit, you guys. Endless Mike just knocked a little girl to the ground with a car door. That's pretty awful. And awesome. Not that I condone high-schoolers pushing little girls over, but way to actually be a bully, Endless Mike. I like your style. Anyway, Pete hatches a plan to use his extra hour to ruin Endless Mike's life and become a legend.

Big Pete decides to take his life into his own hands and ask Endless Mike if he can borrown his car for the evening. Surprisingly, Endless Mike says yes. He even gives Pete a lift to the drive-in after Pete reveals that he doesn't have a license. I guess Ellen will have to walk there, then. How chivalrous. At the drive in, Endless Mike gives Pete lessons on how to get lucky in a car. It involves fogging the windows up to create a "cocoon of love." The undertones here are subtle enough that they can get away with teaching Big Pete how to Zuko it up at the drive-in without too much trouble. Endless Mike's car even has a 'go' button that make the seats extend all the way back. That's a Quagmire move if I've ever seen one. Giggity giggity, Hellstrom. Giggity giggity.

Date night! Ellen arrives at the drive-in dressed in "a new vest and a nervous smile." Naww, Ellen. They talk for a little while about how weird it is that they're on a date, and do some more nervous smiling. (And vest-wearing.) Then Pete gets a little handsy and starts pulling the yawn-and-stretch move, and Ellen hurries off to get popcorn. Shot down, Pete. He decides that now's a good a time as any to prepare his cocoon of love, and tries to fog up the car windows by breathing on them. It does nothing. Way to breathe, No Breath. He eventually passes out on the car horn.

Nona and Little Pete, who've somehow snuck into the drive-in, attempt to lure the projectionist out of her little projection room to begin Operation End Endless Mike. So far, everything's perfect...except for the fact that Big Pete and Ellen are the ones in Endless Mike's car, not Endless Mike himself. A minor detail, as I'm sure he's not too far away.

Ellen returns with the popcorn and wakes Big Pete up. His recent coma was apparently personality-altering, and he decides to be Casanova all of a sudden. He even calls her "sugar love." Ick. Ellen complains that it's so foggy that they can't see the movie anymore, and he's all, "I know." Ellen suggests that perhaps they take this whole date thing a little slower, and Pete responds by putting on the charm and asking her, "Don't you wanna...know?" Know what, Pete? Is that 'know' in the biblical sense, because if it is...well, that's actually kinda awesome. I can't snark the Bible. Well, I could, but I'm not all that jazzed about the idea of eternal unrest, so...

Little Pete has infiltrated the projection room. He's pretty stealth for a loud, chubby ranga. He's shocked to see his own brother get out of Endless Mike's Mustang and head on over to the candy bar. Oh no! His plan! It's in tatters! TATTERS!

Big Pete returns to the car, and discovers that Ellen rolled the top down and destroyed his cocoon of love. Oh, Ellen. It's like you don't even care about all the trouble Pete's going to to get into your pants. Ten minutes before the movie's due to end, Pete realises that his window of opportunity is closing, so he presses the 'go' button and the two get horizontal. Ellen demands to know what kind of crazy shit Pete thinks he's pulling, and Pete's response? "It's the final test for us, Ellen. You hit the 'go' and then you know." Again with the knowing, Pete, you horny bastard! Ellen yells at Pete for a little bit, and then realises that they're not alone. Oh no, they're not alone.

Endless Mike's all, "Yo, I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by and see if you two were getting it on in my car." Big Pete is mortified. Little Pete is ecstatic that the victim of his time tunnel prank has finally arrivesd. Endless Mike tells Big Pete that his timing with the 'go' button was "tasty," but he's embarrassed at Pete's pathetic attempt at the cocoon of love. Ellen finally realises that Big Pete has been putting the moves on her the whole time. A little slow on the uptake there, Ellen. What did you think you two would be doing lying down in a car at the drive-in while he calls you sugar love and admires your vest? Ellen runs off, distraught, and Endless Mike slips into the front seat, apparently pleased with the way he ruined Big Pete's night.

Now see that, kids? That was some class-A bullying. It's simply not enough to tell the protagonist you're going to beat him up, or threaten him with a balled-up fist and suggest that his face needs rearranging. This was epic. Endless Mike saw an opportunity to destroy Pete's happiness, and by God, he took it. Endless Mike, you are such a legend, I can't even begin to tell you.

It's midnight, which means what, kids? Time tunnel time! Little Pete sets the clock back to eleven PM and the revenge plan goes ahead. He swaps the movie reel with one of Endless Mike's mother's home movies of him when he was a chubby baby, sitting on a potty doing his filthy baby business. Endless Mike, not happy at being ended, flips out and runs around the drive-in, yelling for people to avert their eyes. I'd congratulate Little Pete on his successful plan...if I didn't hate him so much. (And if I didn't love Endless Mike with an endless passion.)

Over the PA system, Little Pete pores his heart out about how unlike Big Pete, he can't forget his brother on such a momentous occasion. Big Pete remembers that tonight is the end of daylight savings, and Little Pete tells him that he has an hour to do something he's always wanted to do. Naturally, that one thing is Ellen. Not in a gross 'go' button way, though. Just in a let's-sort-everything-out-without-the-aid-of-Endless-Mike way.

Big Pete catches up to Ellen in front of her house and tells her that they can live the hour over again thanks to our good friend daylight savings. Ellen's all, "After what you did to me?" and Pete says, "I know." Hey Pete? Not the best choice of word right there, considering. Pete explains that he got lost in fantasies of the future, but he now realises that he just wants to be her friend again like they had been in the past. Aww, a thematic lesson learned. I love Nickelodeon.

Big Pete and Ellen say goodnight to one another with a friendly handshake. Then Ellen kisses him on the cheek. They they make out a little bit. Then Ellen goes inside and the episode ends with absolutely nothing being resolved, goddamnit! I guess Big Pete and Ellen were always meant for will-they-won't-theydom, but still. I need closure.

Meanwhile, Little Pete is riding his bike like the wind away from a crazed Endless Mike. How shit is Endless Mike's car that Pete can evade him on a pushbike? The chase leads him into the central time zone, so technically Little Pete got his wish and went back in time for more than one hour. That's actually a pretty awesome ending, even if it did involve Little Pete.

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part Two: Counsellor Budnick

Greetings friends, and welcome back to Camp Anawanna! Things are slightly different here than last time you visited. (And I'm not just talking about the site's brand new make-over!) You see, one of our favourite campers, the oddly Aryan-looking Jew Michael Stein, contracted a nasty case of teh chicken pox. Now I know what you're thinking -- terrible news, right? I mean, it definitely calls for a trip to the infirmary and some TLC from Nurse Julie...right? Right?! Short answer -- no. It's much worse than that. You see, his parents decided to yank Michael right out of camp and take him to Switzerland...because Switzerland has some sort of magical healing properties? Whatever the madness behind this method was, it doesn't change the fact that we have a new camper.

Yeah. Pinsky. Pinsky is exactly like Michael, if the word 'exactly' means 'completely the opposite of.' Pinsky is but a layer of mould on the yoghurt tub that is Camp Anawanna. (I'm sorry; I wasn't sure where I was going with that metaphor until the very end. I'm just as surprised as you that it ended up as 'yoghurt tub'.) Luckily, I've chosen an episode that features a distinct lack of Pinsky, because Pinsky sucks, and fuck Pinsky. You should've seen how annoyed I was upon discovering that the actor who plays Pinsky got to feature in that banned Leo DiCaprio movie, and I didn't. Again, fuck Pinsky. Even my spellchecker hates him.

Side note: my eBay-bought Camp Anawanna T-shirt arrived for me in the mail today, and I don't think I could be more excited. It's pink, which I know you think makes me a Dina, but ZZ did wear a pink shirt when the gang went to look for Sarah Madre's treasure, so the jury's still out on that one.

Since YouTube doesn't seem to have the first part of this episode, I'll have to recap it for you sans video. How can she do that without even watching it first, I hear you ask. Folks, I am just that good. Plus, I have a Camp Anawanna T-shirt now. I feel like I was there.


It's Upside-Down Weekend at Camp Anawanna, which means that, uh, well...everyone does stuff backwards, I guess. It seems that as part of Upside-Down Weekend, one lucky camper will get to become a counsellor for the next two days. Coincidentally, Budnick has been complaining extra-loud about what a truly shitty counsellor Ug is. And, uh, I have to agree with him. I mean, yes, the kids torment him like there's no tomorrow, but you know what? I don't even care. Ug is so unlikeable that I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for his plight. He's a pathetic little man who reminds me of every teacher I hated in high school. Anyway, Ug and Budnick agree to swap roles for the weekend, and to sweeten the deal a little, the kids will vote for their favourite counsellor (Ug or Budnick) at the end. Budnick reckons he has it in the bag, but Ug reminds him that if the Camp Anawanna counsellor handbook is not enforced, Dr. Khan will nail his butt to a tree. (His wording, obviously.)

Storyline B involves a classic struggle between Dina and ZZ, which is a nice departure from the usual Dina/Telly clash of ideals. Dina finds a frog in her shoe, and immediately wants to squish it. Greenie ZZ intervenes and saves the poor froggie's life. Dina calls it Wart Breath and pretty much despises it...until she hears of a plot-advancing frog race that's coming up at the end of the weekend. How convenient!





The video comes in at Budnick assuming his new role of counsellor. He even has Ug's hat and sunglasses on, which is a nice touch. He declares that with the guidebook and his natural Budnickness (or is it Budnicity?), he can't possibly go wrong. Famous last words. Flipping through the book, he discovers that he has the power to punish the other campers, which I'm sure he'll use fairly and indiscriminately. ZZ arrives with Wart Breath a jump ahead of her, and Budnick tells her that she's late for instructional swim. I notice that he doesn't punish her, but yells at Telly for daring to stand there doing nothing wrong at all. That's because Budnick loves ZZ. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. I know he gets with Dina shortly after this, but I chalk that down to bad writing. Spread it around. Budnick + ZZ = tru luv. Anyway, Budnick yells at everyone to head down to instructional swim, and Donkeylips grimly says, "I thought we were going to run amok. I'm just standing amok!"

The campers decide that the only thing to do with out-of-control Budnick (who last I checked only told them to go to instructional swim, but whatever) is to tie him to a lawn chair and play pranks. I can't wait to see what they do to him when he actually starts abusing his power. Of course Ug is the leader of the prank pack, because Ug is the new Budnick. Ug tries to order a pizza (step back there, Ashton Kutcher!), but Budnick catches them. One thing worth noting in this scene is that Pinsky wants coconut on his pizza. That's your cue to mock him relentlessly. Mock him, I say!

Budnick punishes the gang by making them fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a rather small bucket. Dina asks him why he doesn't just swim in the lake, and his response is, "Because fish fart in it!" Hehe. Budnick leaves them (unsupervised? Doesn't seem very counsellormanly to me) and the kids complain about what a dick Budnick's being. Sponge rationalises it by saying, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle says that." Because Pinsky has to make everything about him, he adds, "Budnick's a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that." Who said you were allowed to speak, Pinsky? Besides, I'd like to see you try. Telly also seems into the "pounding" idea. I hope they mean that the way I think they mean that. (With Pinsky, you can never be sure.) I would also like to point out that ZZ managed to escape punishment for some reason, despite being part of the pizza prank posse AND being late for instructional swim. Make of that what you will, but I'm about ten seconds away from singing about Budnick and ZZ sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

That night, the kids are all having pancakes for dinner. (On account of it being Upside-Down Weekend, I suppose.) Budnick complains that his pancakes are like cement. He rushes into the kitchen and finds that they have been made with cement. Well now, that's a dangerous little game. The campers go from ordering pizza to putting possibly-deadly cement in the pancakes? Talk about zero to sixty in no time. Apparently the prank posse also gave Dr. Khan the cement pancakes as well, for reasons I surely can't explain. Budnick demands the return of the real pancake mix before tomorrow morning, or he'll have them lick the fungus off the shower floor. Except, probably, for ZZ.

Later that night, Budnick is in the dining hall, doing taxes or something. Boy, this camp asks a lot of its counsellors. ZZ walks in with Wart Breath, and get this -- they have a heart-to-heart! Naww! This is totally a callback to a Season One episode where ZZ went to him for advice on a friendship feud she was having with Telly and Dina. (He may or may not have charged her for this service, but I think my point remains valid.) Budnick complains that he doesn't even have time for fun anymore, because "after this I have to help Kent Flankman get the glue out of his hair. How can anyone glue their hand to their head?" Apparently, Flankman can. (Spoiler alert -- it's not the last time he does this.) Budnick goes on to say that after that, he has to go convince Nancy Shermanoff that she's only dreaming that Freddie Krueger lives in her stomach. See, this is why I love Salute Your Shorts -- it's legitimately funny. Legitimately funny to the point where I, a grown woman, can't stop watching it, and even mail-orders a T-shirt declaring my love for it. ZZ tells Budnick that people only hate him because he keeps punishing everyone as per the book's orders, and maybe the book doesn't have all the answers.

Stupid Donkeylips interrupts their D&M by screaming about how Sponge has snapped and is squirting ketchup everywhere. Oh, and he's wearing a pink bathrobe. (Donkeylips, that is. I think it's got something to do with Upside-Down Weekend.) Shame, too, because I think ZZ and Budnick were really getting somewhere. Budnick rushes over to the boys' cabin, where Pinsky says that Sponge has gone to the dining hall to wreak his ketchupy havoc in there. Fuck you, Pinsky. Just...fuck you. Of course, when he gets there, Ug drops a bucket of pancake mix on his head. Aaaand...we're back to zero on the Prank Posse Awesomeness Scale. Ug gets points for being able to rig up that system so quickly. (He must've done it when Budnick was in the boys' cabin, getting an earful of bullshit for Pinsky.)

Back in the cabin, Ug is celebrating his victory. He tells the kids that he's been waiting years to get Budnick back, even though avid viewers will remember that he got him pretty good when he dressed up as Zeke the Plumber and tried to remove Budnick's head. Anyway, while this is going on, ZZ is training Wart Breath for the race. The winner gets to escape Camp Anawanna for a night on the town, and when Dina overhears this, she claims that Wart Breath is rightfully hers. ZZ reminds her that she was going to squish poor Wart Breath, and besides, she trained him to be the little froggy Usain Bolt he is today. Telly yells for Ug to settle the debate (Telly does a lot of yelling, in case you haven't noticed), but he reminds her that he's just a regular camper now and they ought to go see the Grand High Budnick. Pinsky convinces him to give them a solution as an impartial camper, so that's just what Ug does.

Ug draws a chalk circle on the floor of the cabin. Segue: I love how characters in TV shows just happen to have the exact things they need on them exactly when they need it. Like me, for instance? I don't have chalk on me at all times. I would really struggle to find a piece of chalk on the off-chance that someone wants me to settle a frog ownership debate for them, but Ug? Ug has chalk. He just...has chalk. Anyway, Ug puts Wart Breath in the centre of the circle to see who he jumps to...and he jumps to Donkeylips. As soon as Wart Breath realises that he's jumped into the arms of the one camper who could probably eat him raw, he hops towards the door, and into the arms of Budnick, who's still covered in pancake mix. Then we get this:

Budnick (menacingly): Who do you think you're dealing with?
Donkeylips: Casper the friendly ghost?

Uncool, Donkeylips. You were supposed to be his friend. Budnick responds that he's the "counsellor of doom." Boy howdy, that's one pissed-off ranga.





By the next morning, Budnick has everyone scrubbing the cabin floor, even ZZ this time. Telly and Donkeylips yell at Budnick (again with Telly yelling!) for the lack of amok they were supposed to be running, and Budnick explains that he'd be a bad counsellor if he let them do whatever they wanted, and they're really not giving him a chance. Honestly? I totally agree with him. He really didn't do anything to warrant the first round of pranking, and all the punishments he doled out where in response to that. The kids (and Ug) started it, really, whereas Ug the counsellor always seemed to be a prick who was just asking for it.

ZZ and Dina start arguing about the frog thing again, and Pinsky tells Budnick to take care of it. Ug brags that if he couldn't fix it, there's no way Budnick can. Budnick tells them that if he can solve the problem, the kids have to start obeying him, and they all agree. Dina assures him that the counsellor handbook he's frantically flicking through will tell him that she has legal claim to Wart Breath, but ZZ says solemnly, "I don't think the answer's in there, Budnick." Which of course is a callback to their D&M before, when she told him that the handbook won't solve all of his problems for him. Yeah, that's right, Salute Your Shorts is deep. Don't fight it.

Budnick draws another circle with a piece of chalk he too just magically happens to have on him. Is this just something they do, or is it Camp Anawanna lore to always have a piece of chalk on your person at all times in case you need to spontaneously draw circles on the floor? Pinsky decides to be a smart-arse and say, "Oh, joy. The brilliant circle test. This one's a gem." STFU, Pinsky, we all hate you. Budnick tells the girls to each grab two of Wart Breath's legs and start pulling them, and whoever wins the froggie tug of war gets to keep Wart Breath. Naturally, ZZ lets go immediately and Dina wins. As she's celebrating her victory, King Solomon over there tells her that she lost. Since ZZ couldn't stand to see "the little croaker" have his froggy guts spilled all over the chalked floor, she is the rightful owner. Aww, Budnick, I knew you'd come through for her in the end. That heart-to-heart really meant something to him, I can tell.

The kids are so impressed with the exercise, they decide to take whatever punishment Budnick dishes out for them. He tells them that all they have to do is go to the froggie race and watch ZZ win. They all skip off excitedly, except ZZ, who asks Budnick if that answer was really in the handbook. Of course it wasn't; the handbook advised him to give the frog to Dina. But since he loves her and knew that she was a better mother to Wart Breath, he totally rigged the competition in her favour. That may or may not have been his phrasing. He declares that he's done with the handbook and throws it over his shoulder...which of course hits Ug smack-bang on the head and knocks him out. Heh. Ug always gets the shortstick, and I love it.

At the froggie race, Budnick and Ug have a talk. I guess Ug's over all the handbook concussion. Ug reminds him that he didn't go by the handbook, and Budnick tells him that he's done being a counsellor. They call the bet a draw, even though Budnick is clearly a much better counsellor than Ug. Ug got lucky on this one. Naturally, ZZ and Wart Breath win the froggie race, and Budnick (back to his usual camper self) cleans up on his betting ring. Because Budnick's also a bookie, I guess. Ug declares his first act as counsellor be to confiscate Budnick's winnings for ordering pizza on his account, and Budnick gives him his second act -- to "take care of Flankman," who seems to have glued his hand to his head again. Methinks your third act as counsellor, Ug, should be to fucking confiscate Flankman's glue. Why somebody hasn't done this already is a testament to the fact that Budnick probably was the best counsellor they ever had.


And thus ends this fabulous Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama. If anyone from Switzerland is reading this, please return Michael immediately. We'll send you a Pinsky for your troubles, we promise!

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part 1: The Radio Call-In Contest

I have a confession to make: ever since Children of the Nineties reran her Salute Your Shorts post the other day, I have not been able to stop watching it. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, itching to see what the gang at Camp Anawanna are up to. It's a disease, I tells ya, and I gots it bad. It's classic 90s Nickelodeon, after all. And would you look at that -- another ranga bully to add to our collection. You see, kids, long before South Park was making fun of gingers, they fucking ruled the world. Gribbs, Calvin and Wheeler -- meet Budnick. I think you'll all get along quite nicely, as long as you keep those freckled faces of yours out of the sun.

In honour of my bandwidth-consuming new hobby, I've decided to bring you back-to-back SYS recaps. (Which I think calls for an 'o-rama' suffix, don't you?) Get ready for some serious Camp Anawanna fun times ahead. Also, in a strange coincidence, I believe I've answered one of the Google search term questions ("abc series summer camp red hair") from my Google Analytics post. Huh. Who'd have predicted that?

If your memory is a little hazy and you need a bit of a catch-up, I highly recommend you visit Children of the Nineties and meet the kids. Oh, but don't worry about reading up on Pinsky. He's a dick, and he's not in this episode anyway. If you don't have time or are just too lazy, I'll give you a one-word description of the kids regardless. Since they're carbon-copy stereotypes like all nineties characters, it's really all the info you need.





Bully Budnick is hanging out in his cabin when loser counsellor Ug comes in all in a tizzy. Apparently he has a hot date, and needs a little spring in his step. Since Budnick's the camp hawker, Ug knows he's got something good in his suitcase. Budnick gives him some home-made cologne, which Ug puts all over his face despite Budnick's warnings not to. Ug says, "Seems kinda unfair to splash this on, you know, being a babe magnet. This'll be like throwing gasoline on a fire." I doubt that very much, Ug, since you are, as your nickname suggest, ugly. It may be a ridiculously unoriginal moniker, but I'll be goddamned if it ain't true.

Time for the opening credits, which totally rule. You know it. I love how half of them don't know the words, the other half make up the words, and fat boy Donkeylips goes on some tangent about how his fishing rod broke. Oh, Donkeylips. As soon as I saw him in this clip, I recognised him as Monica's prom date in that Friends episode where Ross plays the Beverly Hills Cop theme song on his Casio keyboard. (Okay, that's not actually what the episode's about, but it's the highlight for me.) Also, I think he was in Dude, Where's My Car. Donkeylips gets around.

The boys are chillin' in their cabin. Honestly, how often do these kids just sit around doing nothing? Don't they ever have activities or anything? (Instructional Swim doesn't count, because Michael and Budnick didn't even participate.) Nerd Sponge is doing something nerdy, as per his character trait requirement, while the other boys listen to the radio. It seems that Giant Jim the DJ is one of their favourites -- Donkeylips regales us with a story about how he once did his show butt-naked. He says it with such enthusiasm, too. You worry me a little, Donkeylips. Sponge cleverly points out that it's radio, so he really doesn't know for sure.

Giant Jim is hosting a radio quiz, and asks the question: "What gland in the human body makes you mature and grow bigger?" Budnick reckons it's the mouth. Sponge tells him that the mouth isn't even a gland, and clearly he's thinking of the pituitary. Sponge is such a little know-it-all shithead in this scene. (Harsh, but true.) Clearly I'm not the only one who thinks so, because when Sponge snarks that it's not surprising Budnick doesn't know the right answer, Budnick threatens to pound him. Yeah, you go, Budnick! Average kid Michael suggests that they stop all the fussin' and-a feudin' and get down to some phone-callin'. They're going to call the radio station and win a hundred bucks! Oh, such fun!

Unfortunately for the Boy Genius and his blonde-haired Jew friend, popular Dina is already using the only phone at camp. She's talking to her friend about this absolutely gorgeous boy she somehow met while in the camp confines. The mystery boy even has the early nineties-approved "four Ps" -- ponytail, pierced ears, personality and a Porsche. Ew to the first two, but I wouldn't say no to the others. Michael cons her into getting off the phone by telling her that Donkeylips is using her bra as a slingshot. I find this really funny for no apparent reason, except that I'm really an eight-year-old boy at heart. Long story short, not only does Sponge win the hundy, he also goes into some sort of lightning round where, if he answers two more questions correctly within the next 24 hours, he wins a thousand dollars. Budnick and Donkeylips's response? "Pituitary power!" Heh. Pituitary power. We totally have to make that a 'thing.'

Hippie ZZ and lady sporto Telly are listening to Giant Jim's show as well, and they rush over to the boys' cabin to congratulate Sponge. Michael starts bragging about Sponge's genius, and dares the girls to ask him anything. Dina asks him what Madonna's first number one hit was, and of course, Sponge has no idea. (For those of you playing at home, it was 'Like A Virgin'. I can't believe they were allowed to reference that song.) ZZ asks him an INXS question, and Telly asks him a tennis question, and guess what? A Beautiful Mind over there knows nothing. He doesn't even know what Johnny Depp has tattooed on his arm! (Dina says it's 'Winona Forever', so clearly it was before the unpleasantness and the partial laser removal.) Telly says that if they cut the girls in on 30% of the G he's going to win, and they'll pop culture the little dude up.

During archery (hey, an organised activity!), Sponge and Michael contemplate the girls' offer. Michael very sagely tells him, "There are two types of questions in this world -- guy questions and girl questions." Well now, Michael dearest, that's awfully general. Who's to say that someone who knows George Michael's real name can't be a dude? In fact, I'd suggest that quite a few dudes have called out George Michael's real name before, loudly, perhaps in a public bathroom. But I don't know, do whatever you want. The two decide to take their chances and keep the money to themselves. With pituitary power on their side, how could they possibly lose?





Once again, the boys are sitting around, doing nothing and waiting for Giant Jim to ask his next trivia question. All of a sudden, Ug comes in and turns off the radio. Oh, and his face is blue. Not like, "Brr, I'm so cold, I'm practically turning blue!" Actual blue. It seems that the Eau de Budnick he scored off everyone's favourite mischievous camper actually had blue dye in it. Niiice. Budnick tells him that "the Smurf look is in." Oh, and how right he is, too. Just ask James Cameron. Ug puts the entire cabin on lockdown -- no one is to leave without his permission. But oh noes, that means they can't get to the phone! Say goodbye to the G, boys.

Suddenly, the batteries in the radio die. Heh. It's just not your day, is it, Spongecakes? It's okay, though, because Budnick has a spare set. With that comes this exchange:

Budnick: "I'll give you these batteries for 20 per cent of the jackpot
action."
Sponge: "You're not making money off my brain--"
Michael: "We'll take it."

The boys turn on the radio again, and Giant Jim is telling "Spongie" that he has four minutes to answer the second question -- what is George Michael's real name? Oooh, shit just got interesting. Sponge and Michael freak the fuck out and then rush over to the girls' cabin. They're still demanding 30% of the jackpoteroonie.

Sponge: "Oh, you can just forget that--"
Michael: "It's a deal."

Heh. Michael. Please don't ever go to Switzerland and leave us with fucking Pinsky for the rest of the series. Telly helpfully tells them that if they need anything else, just call them, handing over a ridiculously large walkie-talkie. Oh, nineties. How I miss thee.

While all this is going on, Ug is calling his hot date and cancelling on her because he's blue. "No no, not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue." Hee! I feel sorry for the Z generation. Have you watched Nickelodeon lately? I guarantee you, it's not pretty. While we're all going back and voluntarily reliving the kids' shows of our day, they're stuck watching shit made by the Jonas Brothers. There is very little shorts-saluting in Jonas, or so I'm told.

Michael radioes the girls' cabin and tells them that Ug's on the phone and they can't call the radio station. The girls provide a distraction by screaming loudly and then telling Ug that there's a skunk in the room. Just out of interest, is Ug the only counsellor in this joint? Because I'd think a female counsellor would be more appropriate. Then again, I'm probably just saying that because Ug looks like something out of America's Most Wanted.

Oh, and speaking of America's Most Wanted, it should be said that Giant Jim the DJ is taunting Sponge over the radio in a ridiculously over-the-top way. It's reminding me of the phone conversations the killer from Scream had where he taunted his victims before attacking them/gutting their boyfriend on the porch. I also doubt all this Sponge talk is making for interesting radio to anyone else listening who happens to not be Sponge.

Of course, it wouldn't be an awesome kids show if everything went to plan, now would it? After hanging up on Ug's girlfriend, the boys drop their quarter into some kind of vent, and their new plan...oh, their new plan. It makes me feel sick even retyping it. Michael finds some used gum on the phone, chews it (!) and then sticks it on the end of a stick, which they then insert into the vent. Michael, with your ten per cent managers' fee, please buy yourself some health insurance. (Side note: it's actually Dina's gum, but they don't know that and it's still gross. That phone's outdoors, for God's sake!) They get the coin, ring up Giant Jim and answer the question correctly. Huzzuh for gum-chewing Michael! What's a little hepatitis compared to a hundred smackeroos?

Telly's listening to the show with her headphones on, and Ug is running around the room hunting a nonexistent skunk with a tennis racquet. Poor blue Ug. Telly tells him that she just saw it fly out the window, so he can go now. Ug calls bullshit because as far as he knows, skunks do not have the ability to fly. Dina calls him a "big, brave man" and he gets distracted by her flattery and leaves. Bleech. Ug, please tone down the creeper vibe from now on.

Sponge has been listening to the radio intently all night, and by the next morning, he's hella tired. During breakfast, Budnick and Donkeylips just happen by. Budnick concedes that, "For the first time, I see that being a little scientist dweeb is a pretty cool thing." I bet Bill Gates heard that a few times after that whole Microsoft thing took off. (Is he still cool, Bill Gates? Or is it all about Jobs now?) Sponge thanks him for the roundabout compliment, but says that he's having doubts as to whether he can stay up listening to the radio any longer without getting some shut-eye. He questions whether it's worth his health, and Budnick helpfully adds, "Your health? Yeah." He then goes on to say that if Sponge misses out on that question, he's going to be very unhappy and may just "do things" to Sponge in his sleep. It all sounds a little rapey, to be honest.

Ug enters the dining hall and helps the creepy tone of the scene oh-so-much by saying, "Someone was very bad last night." Ew, what the hell is going on here? Of course, he's talking about the fact that someone snuck out of their bunk and made a call last night without his permish. I guess his girlfriend wasn't too happy about getting hung-up on. I wonder if it's Rachel from the Ug Gets Dumped episode, and the fact that I'm even wondering that means I seriously need to find a net nanny to block YouTube for at least a month. I'm really addicted, like, a Lindsay Lohan amount of addicted right now. Regardless of the identity of the mystery girlfriend, Ug tells the campers that they're all on "double probation," whatever that means, until one of them steps forward and claims responsibility for this heinous crime.





Budnick calls a meeting of the minds in his cabin. Sponge is so tired from last nights' lack of sleep that he literally can't get up. Pfft, Spongie Boy, you are such a feeb. Budnick finally gets him out of bed by putting Donkeylips's old sock on his head. Of course the fat boy has foot odour. That's not cliched at all.

What comes next is a cute little montage where the different stereotypes -- ahem, sorry, I mean campers, teach Sponge everything they know about their particular fields. Telly gives him some sports info. Budnick inexplicably finds himself an electric guitar and starts playing Metallica. Dina gives us an admittedly ill-timed rundown of the Coreys, including recently deceased Corey Haim. I guess it is pretty cool that he's now forever immortalised in a Salute Your Shorts episode, though. It's more than I can say. Michael, whose only character trait is that he's the "normal" kid, talks about Gilligan's Island for a bit. ZZ inexplicably finds herself an acoustic guitar and starts playing 'Kumbaya'. (I knew there was a reason I shipped her and Budnick! Look at the synchronicity!) And Donkeylips? Donkeylips teaches Sponge how to make farting sounds with his armpit, which I'm sure will come in handy when Sponge goes on to star in an Adam Sandler movie. This montage goes on for a long while, too, and the poor kids who can do nothing else except sing Kumbaya and fart with their armpits are forced to do it over and over again. Dina's bit's actually pretty cool to watch, as we get references to more Coreys and Tiffany. (She helpfully tells us that the singer isn't cool, but the store is.)

Even though his nickname is a reference to how much knowledge he can absorb, Sponge crashes and burns. ZZ tries to help by standing over his near-lifeless body and singing some more Kumbaya. Michael's head pops into the shot, and he pats her on the shoulder and says, "Just get out of here." Michael dude, you funny. Everyone else comes past and call him names, except Budnick, who repeats his freaky rape threat.

Michael (aka the good one) tries to rev him up by saying, "Show everyone you're not a little bookworm wuss." I'm sure that's helping, Michael. Sponge confesses that he's scared about getting the last question wrong, most likely because Budnick is going to go to town on him in his sleep, prison-style. Michael tells him he has faith in him, and Sponge gets up with a renewed sense of hope and determination. Pituitary power!

It's quiz time! The kids gather around the radio as "Giant Jim Jerkaroo" (as Sponge calls him) asks the question -- what colour is a giraffe's tongue? Sponge says it's red, then changes his mind and goes to black. Budnick's like, "Whaddaya mean, black?" I'm not sure Budnick understand basic colours. Sponge concedes that he doesn't know the answer. O RLY? You're telling me that a kid who, earlier in the episode was reading a book about molecular theories in fucking Latin doesn't know what colour a giraffe's tongue is? Michael and Telly tell him that they're proud of him for getting this far (a sentiment Budnick does not share), and Sponge says, "I'm pissed off that I'm not as smart as I thought I was." Whoah there, pally, that's some strong language you're laying down on us. Pissed off? Were they seriously allowed to say that back in the day? I can't imagine Alex Mack ever saying something like that, and she wore a hat, so she knows a little something about the world.

Just then, Ug rushes in with his boom box on his shoulder and his face ever bluer than before. I'm about to give him his marching orders to Pandora. Dina tries to explain why they're in the boys' cabin during lockdown, but Ug interrupts -- he knows the answer. A giraffe's tongue is black. Heh, Ug actually outsmarted Sponge! How do you say 'pwned' in Latin, Spongiekins? Michael, still unsure as to whether to trust a blue-faced, slightly pedophilic douchebagatron with their fortune, asks Sponge what he thinks, and Sponge suggests they start trusting Ug. Budnick says, "Now I know this kid's a moron." Bud, you win Camp Anawanna.

Speaking of winning, Sponge calls the radio station, wins the moolah and the kids all cheer. Suddenly, Ug comes on the line and demands the money for himself because the kids made him blue. Giant Jim asks him what he could be so sad about, and of course Ug's response is, "Not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue!" End camp fun, cue credits. Poor old Ug loses again. Pituitary power!


Next time: Budnick becomes a camp counsellor, and Pinsky gets ignored by me because he's Pinsky, and fuck Pinsky.

The Secret World of Alex Mack: Driving

I ask: who sat at home watching this and didn't want to be Alex Mack when they became a teenager? You answer: nobody, Lorelai. Nobody. Alex was a pretty, confident girl who also happened to be doused with a strange chemical called GC-161 that gave her special powers. Plus, she wore cool hats. A shitload of cool hats. Alex and her best buddy Ray always managed to get into some sort of hijinks that resulted in Alex needing to use her powers to get them out.

Of course, being hunted down by the evil chairwoman of the company manufacturing the GC-161 is kind-of the downer in this case. what Alex stood to lose was slightly more substantial than most of the other kids featured on this blog -- Danielle Atron wanted to kill her. As in, breathe no more, take a dirt nap, shuffle off this mortal coil. Foget about horsies and pearls, Alex was literally telekinesis-ing for her life. But what sort of kids' show would this be if our baseball cap-obsessed heroine hadn't won in the end? Well, quite a depressing one, so thank God she made it in the end.

I always had a real soft spot for Alex, and I promise you, it wasn't just because of the hats. When I was growing up, people told me that I looked like Larisa Oleynik, so as you can imagine, I was pretty damn partial to this show. I also used to get told that I looked like Julia Stiles, so it came as no surprise to me that they were cast as sisters in 10 Things I Hate About You.

Now, onto today's episode. There's a reason I picked this one. It's very special to me. Not because I really remember it (actually, I don't, at all), but because when I started recapping it I'd just booked in for my very own driving test. I really should've gotten my license about four years ago, but I don't like to rush these things. And here we are, a month later, and my test is tomorrow. Whew. Wish me luck, although I don't think I'll need it. Still, I'm not going to look gift luck in the mouth. Okay, back to Alex now.


Alex is learning to drive. Hence the title. She really, really wants a car. Heh. I never really understood the whole car thing from American high school movies. In Australia, you can't get your license until you're eighteen, so it was really only the Year Twelves that worried about it. (And I turned eighteen the day after school ended.)

Alex wants her parents to help her pay for the car, and they're all, "Be like your responsible sister Annie, and save up for a car yourself." Alex snarks that Annie was never a normal teenager. I'll say. Annie spends a good portion of her time doing science experiments on her little sister. That doesn't scream normal to me either, Alex. Oh, and Alex hat alert:



Alex's dad George is hard at work at the chemical plant. We know it's a chemical plant because there are beekers of bright, bubbly liquid everywhere. Seriously, I hate this stereotype. I'll bet there are at least...four chemical plants in the world that don't look like they're run by mad scientists. George and co are making face cream, which skeeves me out. That's a big no way, Alex Mack writers. I don't want to put any shit from a chemical factory on my face. Face creams are supposed to be made on some peaceful Avon island, the ingredients dropped from the heavens by tiny doves and mixed by frolicking baby deer.

Anyway, George and his nondescript scientist friend are trying to make a face cream that actually works. Nondescript Scientist Friend accidentally picks up "nitrosurgic acid", which I don't think is real, but still sounds pretty gnarly. Anyway, he ruins all their work and they have to start over. I shudder to think that people like this are making my cosmetics. They need to bring back Bambi and the doves lickety-split.

Alex, Ray and Louis are talking about -- what else? Driving. Louis is bragging about how their driving instructor thinks he's God, and shows the other two a picture of the car he's going to get when he passes his driving test. It's a fabulous little convertible number, and Alex is mucho jealous. Louis is like, "See Alex, while you've been quitting jobs left right and centre, I've been slaving away at my dad's office for three years." Ha! Alex got pwn'd by Louis Driscoll! Louis Driscoll! No one liked Lous Driscoll, not even me. (And avid reads of my blog may remember that I seem to have had a bit of a thing for redheaded bad boys in my childhood.)

Ray agrees with Alex about the whole flighty jobless thing. Poor Alex. I know exactly how she feels. The longest I stayed at a job in high school was ten months, and that was seriousy impressive. Usually I lost the will to live around the sixth month, and don't even get me started on my job at the bakery. I actually started feeling sorry for those disgruntled workers who one day lost their shit and brought a rifle to their workplace. Anyway. Back to the episode. Wait, what's this? Louis's dad is looking for another office assistant? How convenient!

Alex goes for her interview with "Big Lou" Driscoll. He's a bigwig, you see. We know he's a bigwig because he's on the phone (a headset, naturally), talking about money while he plays minigolf in his office. He gets back to Alex and is like, "Sorry about that." As though taking an important call means you must immediately forget the "little people" waiting in your office to go practice some golf. Good work, Big Lou. There's a funny little exchange where Alex is talking to him about her previous jobs, and he's yelling at some guy on his headset. Alex, of course, thinks he's yelling at her. Heh. Bottom line: Alex gets the job. And Louis is her supervisor. I'm beginning to like Louis slightly. And we have another Alex hat:




George comes up to Danielle Atron, the coolest kids' supervillainess ever to grace our TV screens (except maybe Dr. Bligh from Captain Planet) and tells her that his department accidentally set the face cream testing back a couple of months. Danielle is not happy in the slightest. I think we're supposed to be reminded of how MEAN and EVIL she is, but I don't blame her. Some dipshit picked up the wrong chemical. That could've ended worse than it did.

Speaking of dipshits...Nondescript Scientist Friend comes by just as George is about to get his arse fired. Apparently that dangerous-sounding chemical the accidentally mixed with the face cream worked -- it gets rid of all fine lines and wrinkles. This doesn't make me happy. This is chemicals triumphing over nature. This the hunter that shoots Bambi's mother. Danielle Atron had better use this power for the greater good. (I doubt she will.)

Back at the Driscoll building, Alex is doing work while Louis is playing computer games. Alex is not happy. Well sorry to burst your bubble, Alex, but that's what working is. You're the newbie, also known as everyone else's bitch. I'd be lying if I said I used to treat new bakery employees any differently. God, I hated that bakery. Anyway.

Louis goes into his office (yes, this fifteen-year-old has an office), and Alex decides to do her puddle-morphing thing and check out what he's doing. Of course, he's watching TV. Alex is like, "It's so unfair that you're in here slacking off and I'm doing all the work! What would Big Lou think?" and Louis says, quite accurately, that all Big Lou's interested in is schmoozing his clients, making money, and golf. Well granted, I know very little of Big Lou, but that sounds bang on the money to me. Unfortunately for Louis, Big Lou happens to be standing right behind him while he's saying that. My favourite moment so far:

Louis: "The only reason he gave me this job is because I'm his son, and to tell
you the truth, I'm only in it for the cash. I hate working here."
[Alex motions at Big Lou. Louis realises he's standing right behind
him]
Louis: "...on weekends and late at night. But other than that, it's the
best job a guy could ask for!"

Louis gets fired, and Alex gets promoted. Louis is mad that Alex didn't turn down the job for her, and Alex says that she can handle the job way better than Louis ever could. Louis chuckles somewhat evilly and is like, "I know you, Mack. What is this, job number five now? Good luck." Okay, how have I lived this long without realising my undying love for Louis Driscoll? Homeboy's awesome. Maybe it's because he was the one that eventually told the bad guys that Alex was the GC-161 kid. Maybe that's why I forgot all the awesome Louisness that happened before that.

Louis, distracted by all the dad-hate and Alex-betrayal, fails the driving course. Aww, poor Louis. The instructor tells him that if he drives like this next week, not only will he fail to get his license, he'll also be suspended. Um, why? How is that an appropriate punishment for poor driving? Suspension, really? I mean, I'm spectacularly bad at dancing, but I never got suspended for it. I can't draw to save my life, but not once did my art teacher decide that she needed to punish me for it. Teaching fail, Mr. Driver Ed Man. Also, we have a Louis hat in this scene! And if you look in the background, you can see an Alex hat as well! Double hat score!




That night (or some night), Louis is having a crazy dream. He's driving his dream car in outer space, blowing up comets and stuff with his dad's face on them. He even blows up Alex, but she comes back to life and starts playing paddle-ball right in his face. And she's wearing a hat, although I'm not sure dream hats count.



Alex wakes Louis up, asking if he's okay. He maintains that he most certainly is not, on account of the aforementioned driving-faulire, dad-hating and Alex-betraying. Sucks to be Louis. Alex tells him to man up and accept the fact that he's created most of his problems, and he has to take responsibility for it. And she says all this while wearing a hat.



Some time later, Louis comes to visit Alex at work. She's fallen way behind. It seems that Louis was right -- he does have a difficult job, and Alex can't handle it. I honestly don't approve of fifteen-year-olds being given such huge responsibilities, but okay. Even at that fucking bakery, our biggest responsibility would be to lock up for the night, or go to the post office and mail shit.

Back at the lab (the Atron one, not the Frankenfurter one), the face cream is having some side effects. As in, a disgusting rash thing that looks like shingles. George and Nondescript Scientist Friend are trying to fix it, and they take the time to have a heart-to-heart. Nondescript Scientist Friend was jealous that George was getting all the praise for inventing the perfect face cream, and George tells him that they're a team. It's hard to take them seriously, because they're wearing stupid gas masks.

Alex and Louis have finished all their work. You see what happens when you have a Louis Driscoll handy? Big Lou comes in, and Louis tells him that all he was really looking for was a bit of attention. He shows Big Lou the database he's created, so they don't have to mess around with all that paperwork. Hee, Louis Driscoll, bringing giant corporations into the 21st century. Big Lou offers Louis his job back. And while this is going on, you'd better believe that Alex is wearing a hat:




Louis is getting ready for his driving test. Spoiler alert: he passes. In a hat:



Alex, Louis and Ray have a fun teenagey talk about driving, and just what to do with Alex's first paycheque. She wants to buy a car with her $87. Ray thinks she's nuts. And once again, it all ends in fun times and everyone's happy, especially Alex, who's employed and wearing a hat.



So to summarise, today's episode involved exactly one use of Alex's powers -- liquefying into Louis's office, a feat that could've also been easily achieved with the aid of a door. But we did have three Alex hats, two Alex beanies, two Louis hats, one Alex cap...and a partridge in a pear tree. Hope y'all had a great Christmas, and have a boozy New Years'. Oh, and if you see a blonde driving around in a brand-new black Corolla, you'd better believe that it's me!

Round the Twist: Next Time Around

I don't mean to double-up on already recapped shows (it will happen eventually, once I run out of shows I like), but I'm afraid once again my Internet connection is being a douche and not letting me watch YouTube videos. I was halfway though watching Kanye publicly humiliating Taylor Swift (homeboy should not allowed out in public!) when it just stopped and I can't get it to work again. Now I've asked around, and there is literally no explanation for this. It's not them, it's me. I just...I don't even know. Occasionally, life is a bitch.

Sometimes when some aspects of life are, uh, bitches, others will find a way of letting you know that the big guy upstairs (God or Santa, depending upon your beliefs) hasn't forgotten about you. Yesterday, I was at my local Blockbuster Video, which is weird in itself because I never go there to buy DVDs. Nothing against Blockbuster; I just don't associate it with DVD purchasing. It's more of a rental place, but I'm a collector and not much into rentals. As it turns out, the ex-rental section of your local video store is a veritable Aladdin's cave of all things old-school. I found a copy of Round the Twist in less than seven seconds flat. Within two minutes I'd also found Little Elvis Jones, Postman Pat and a whole bunch of newer shit I have no interest in. Point is, Blockbuster rocks the party. It really does. (I didn't actually have my wallet on me, but I did manage to scrounge up my church change and buy Round the Twist for a mere five buckeroos. That's value, people.

So we're back to Round the Twist. In this episode, 'Next Time Around', Linda goes hypnosis-crazy and accidentally turns Pete into a chicken...and a firefighter...and a genius. To tell you the truth, I could've snarked any one of these episodes, because they're all comedy gold. (Thanks in large part to ranga Gribbs and his gang.) If YouTube doesn't start playing nice, expect more.


Our episode begins at the lighthouse. Pete, Linda and Bronson go out the front door...only to discover that their beloved lighthouse has been vandalised with 'Vote 1 Harold Gribble' posters. Now it's one thing to use the lighthouse as a vehicle for political sentiment, but it's a different kettle of fish if it's praising Harold Gribble. How dare they! He's EVIL! Of course, we know who's putting up the posters, don't we? It's our favourite tween bullies -- Gribbs, Tiger and Rabbit! Huzzah! They're very meticulous, too, and they've even got matching Harold Gribble T-shirts. Boo-yah, I need to get me one of those! Pete demands to know what all of this is, and Gribbs awesomely says, "Democracy at work." Hee! Gribbs, be mine.


Tony and Nell rock up, and Tony's holding a rooster for reasons that are yet to be established. Tony's mad. Nell's madder. Mr. Gribble and the Matron arrive, talking about how Mr. Gribble is running for senator. There's a mention of a casino planned, an idea we all know will come to fruition in the Yuckles episode, so that's a nice bit of continuity there. Gribbs is like, "Not now, Dad. Mr. Twist is about to chuck a wobbly. A big wobbly." Why is it that I can always count on Round the Twist for my daily dose of lame nineties slang? It's refreshing, in a sad sort of way. And seriously, how did Mr. Gribble think he was going to get away with this? Ohh, that's right -- the posters are a plot device to get all the main characters together. Since this is the new cast's first episode and all. Pretty clever, scriptwriters.

Later on, Linda's reading a book about hypnosis. I guess this is the hippie side of Linda taking over again. She does that sometimes. (Except in the last series, they turned her into a complete legume-eating nutjob. So not impressed.) Pete explains to Bronson that some people believe in past lives, and that Bronson must've been a pig. Or a hippopotamus. Or a fridge. Get it, 'cause he eats a lot? Glutton Bronson's another thing that got old as the series went on.

Fay comes around with a bottle of wine for Tony. As they greet each other, Pete and Bronson mock them. It's funny. Fay only hears Bronson mocking her, though, and you can tell it pisses her off a bit. We're only one episode in, and already we're into the Bronson-hates-Fay storyline. Finally -- finally! -- someone decides to ask what the fuck Tony's doing with a chicken on the dinner table. Thank you! How did we get this far without anybody asking that?! Apparently Russell the rooster can count. All Tony does is say, "Russell, number four," and Russell pecks the table four times. (Thanks to some beyond shonky early-nineties SFX.) Always the smartarse, Pete says, "Russell, number 5,622." Russell goes berserk because not only can the little guy understand numbers, he also knows that if he's given large numbers to peck, he's gotta pick up the pace. Smart chook.


Apparently there's a section in Linda's book about hypnotising chickens. How very convenient. Tony's like, "Don't fucking hypnotise my counting rooster, Linda," which I think is a fair enough rule for a father to lay down. By the next morning, Linda's broken the rule and started trying to hypnotise Russell. Linda, shame. And you're supposed to be the good kid! Pete tells her it'll never work, and Bronson hilariously says, "Stuff in books never does!" Hee! Linda makes some clucking sounds, and whaddaya know? Russell freezes on the spot. Pete's all impressed at her mad hypnotising skillz now. Um, why? All she did was give Russell a severe case of rigour mortis...without the 'mortis' part. (Hopefully.)


Pete tells her to hypnotise him (because the chicken hypnosis ended so well?), and at first Linda refuses. Then Pete dares her. Because if you're a character in a kids' show and someone dares you to do something, you totally have to do it. And before you ask, yes, Linda's hypnotism method involves the phrase, "You are feeling veeery sleeepy!" Not at all unoriginal, RTT. She tells him that when she says "now," he has to act like a chicken for ten seconds. And you know what, kids? It totally works. I'm not even kidding. Not only that, but it wasn't a one-time deal -- any time anyone says the word 'now', Pete acts like a chicken. Surely this will result in a number of crazy hijinks throughout the episode! I'm counting on it.

Tony tells the kids that it's time for school, and Pete decides that the best thing to do with the now-frozen Russell is to bring him to school. Because Tony won't notice that his rooster's missing or anything. Oh, and they're using a stuffed chicken as Russell now, in case you were interested to know how they got that rooster to stand still for so long. It's actually a little bit creepy. In the car, Tony uses the word 'now', and Chicken!Pete returns. Gotta love that Chicken!Pete.

When they get to school, Gribbs and his pals immediately notice that Pete has a chicken in his bag. Since bringing poultry to school is not usually the norm, not even in crazy kangaroo-riding Australia, they decide to do the only thing they could do in this situation, really...play footy with it. Yeah, I don't get it either. They throw it and kick it around, Rabbit commentating the whole time, and feathers and shit are flying everywhere. Fuck me, if that rooster wasn't dead before...


Eventually, Gribbs throws Russell into the air and Pete marks it, specky-style. Them's some mad footballing skillz, Pete. Even Gribbs admits that it's a good mark -- he actually claps. I kind-of like it when the bullies are friendly with the Twists. I don't really know why. (Maybe it's the Gribbs/Linda shipper in me.) In all the other seasons, they're mortal enemies except for the last episode, where they inevitably must team together to defeat some sort of evil. But this season, there's a bit of respect going on between them. I think they'd be famous friends if they didn't, you know, not like each other.

Finally -- finally! -- Rabbit asks Bronson why Pete's got a chicken at school. THANK YOU! Why are the obvious questions always the last to be asked?! Bronson, being a lame douchebag, tells the bullies the whole story -- that Linda hypnotised the chicken, and then she hypnotised Pete into acting like a chicken whenever someone says the word 'now'. Oh come on, Bronson! Of all the people to tell that shit to, you go with Gribbs and Co.? Really? You little idiot.

In school, Mr. Snapper is teaching a lesson about reincarnation. You mean the topic Pete and Linda just happened to be talking about before? How very convenient. Gribbs says he didn't do his homework last night because he was helping Mr. Gribble with his campaign. Or as he says, "I was doing political studies." Gribbs is a great spin doctor, he really is. Mr. Snapper tells Gribbs he can do it now. Of course, as soon as he says the word 'now', Chicken!Pete returns. The whole class finds this hysterical, especially Gribbs. He's like, "Wow, Dumb Shit Twist was right! I'm so gonna have fun with this!"


Later on, everyone's silently doing their work, when Gribbs leans forward and stage-whispers, "Now!" Pete starts acting like a chicken again. He even pecks at Mr. Snapper. Cut straight to Pete in the yard, surrounded by the bullies and a whole bunch of nondescript students screaming, "Now!" over and over again. It's a pisser. Comedy gold. Gribbs and the gang are WIN+.

Pete gets held back at school for all the chicken behaviour. Apparently that kind of thing's not tolerated at Port Niranda High. Hmm. As punishment, Mr. Snapper gives him a whole lot of maths problems to solve. Ugh, there is no worse punishment in my mind. Pete's just happy to get out of there without Snapper using the word 'now.'

Okay, now this next part is hysterical. Just plain hysterical. The bullies are roaming the halls, looking for Pete, singing "Now, now now, now now now now now now!" to the tune of Mozart's 'A Little Night Music'. Gribbs even does a little jig as he passes Linda and Fiona. Best. RTT. Moment. Ever. Richard Young, Drew Campbell...even the dick who plays Rabbit, you are all legends. LEGENDS!

As soon as they leave (and finish what will forever be known as the Now Symphony), Linda and Fiona open the cupboard they were leaning on. Pete's in there, ears blocked. Naww. I find it very hard to sympathise with you, Petie, because you kind-of asked for it. Literally. It's about three seconds before Fiona says the word 'now.' Jeez. Fiona, do you not get what we're doing here? Someone fill Fiona in on the rules of the game.

The three walk outside, and are puzzled to see a group of snails on the floor. Pete realises what's up instantly, but before he can back the fuck away, the bullies do the big villain reveal, and Gribbs calmly says, "Hey, Pete! Now, mate, now." Chicken!Pete comes to life and eats the snails. Ew. That is wrong on an awfully large number of levels. I think I like the bullies better when they're serenading us with jaunty songs.


At home, the Twists and Fay are eating dinner. Pete's solved his little 'now' problem -- he's got his Walkman (snigger!) playing full-blast. Tony's not impressed that he seems to be ignoring Fay and tells him to be sociable. Old Nell rushes over with her little nephew Tom in tow. (The twins are going to babysit him.) Tom is just about the cutest child ever, might I say. Nell's off to the council meeting to try and stop Harold Gribble from...um, well I don't know, really. She can't stop him running for senator. I don't know what she actually thinks she's going to do, but okay. Nell's a crazy old moll. There's a funny little bit where Pete's worried that Nell will say the word 'now', and keeps covering his ears and looking like a douche. Poor Pete. It's just not his day.

After the adults leave, Linda decides that it's about time she un-chickened Pete and re-chickened Russell. Somehow she gets her shit confused, and reverts Pete back to a past life, where he was a fireman. The fact that Linda’s practising hypnotism with dental floss is kind-of a red flag. Fireman!Pete manages to lock Linda and little Tom out of the house, take the hose into the living room and fight an invisible fire. I just...God, I don't even know. Round the Twist loses me sometimes. And for the love of all that is holy, some please confiscate Pete Twist’s butt-fugly sweaters! Where’s the humanity?!


Linda apparently hasn't had enough failure for one day. She decides that the best thing to do after a hypnosis-gone-wrong is to try more hypnosis. Oh my fucking God, Linda, get a clue. She starts hypnotising the toddler in front of her, and suddenly those Babysitters Club brats no longer seem like the worst people to leave your kids with. At least none of them ever tried to hyptnotise their charges. (Have they..?) One thing that pisses me off is that Linda keeps calling Tom "Baby". For what reason? He's not even a baby! If I can learn his name, so can you, Linda. Maybe it's a nod to Dirty Dancing that I just don't get.

Linda gets Tom to revert back to his former life...as a pro wrestler. I so believe that. Little Tom the wrestler manages to kick down the lighthouse door, pick up Pete and do some wrestling moves on him. Again, nineties special effects reign supreme here. I think having small children lift teenagers over their heads must fall into the "it was funnier when we were younger" category. Fireman!Pete's already flooded the house fighting his nonexistent fire, though, so I see trouble ahead.


Tony gets home. Dude is pissed. Again, rightfully so -- they did flood his house. Tony's actually a half-decent parent sometimes. (The leaving-a-three-year-old-with-a-hypnosis-obsessed-teenage-girl thing aside, obviously.) He yells at the kids for the flood "because Tom could've gotten a chill!" Um, Tony? Your stupid-arse daughter fucking hypnotised the kid! Remember? But no seriously, yell at her for the chill thing. The point is, you're still yelling at her. Tony tells the kids to clean up the flood. As he bloody should. The only problem is, Pete spends the whole night doing it...and doesn't do his maths problems! Oh noes! Snapper's gonna be super angwy!


The next morning, Linda's holding everybody up. She says she's been "talking to Russell", and then gives Pete his maths homework. Oh, don't tell me...Russell can do algebra as well? I guess Linda must've un-hypnotised him, then, 'cause the last time I checked, dude was frozen stiff. And how unnecessary is it for Linda to make Russell do Pete's homework? It's called a fucking calculator, Linda, jeez.

Cut straight to Pete sleeping before school. There's a crowd around him, singing a 'now' song again. (Led by his royal highness, James Gribble.) This time the melody is a sort of rocky-jazz number, kind of like a generic 'Greased Lightning'. They get confused when Pete doesn't even wake up, let alone turn into a chicken. Gribbs even grabs his ear and sings right into it. Oh, Gribbs, you deserve legend status most of all.

Snapper comes in, and Pete wakes up and freaks out. Apparently he didn't think to look at the homework Linda gave him at all, 'cause he's still under the impression that the questions are half-done. Snapper's astounded that he's answered all the problems correctly. CHEATER! IT WASN'T PETE, IT WAS A ROOSTER! The bullies decide to steal Linda's hypnosis book. Because that will end well.

Later on, the kids are in the shed again, and Linda explains how she managed to finish Pete's homework so quickly -- she got her fucking slave rooster to do it for her. Mean, Linda. I'm so calling PETA on your arse. Suddenly, Mr. Gribble pulls up, and Rabbit and Tiger lead Gribbs out on a leash. They're freaking out because Gribbs is acting like a monkey. He even eats a rotten banana, skin and all. Now that's what I call a dedicated actor. Monkey!Gribbs also appears to hump Mr. Gribble's leg at some point, which is a little weird, but okay. And that's pretty much the end. Gribbs gets the short stick again.

Hope this recap sufficed until my computer can sorts its shit out! Love to all, and remember -- practise safe hypnotism!

Ship To Shore -- Tour De Circe

Okay, I fucking LOVED this show. Didn't you? Of course you did; I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask. You loved it because A) you were a city kid with lame parents who wished that you could spend all your time riding bikes with your mates or B) you did go around doing just that and found the Circe Island kids to be way relatable. Either way, there's no way you can tell me that when you hear that music your heart doesn't do a backflip. (That was a weird double negative I can't be bothered editing.)

Quick story: at uni not long ago, I was in a lecture listening to Dr. Looks-Like-Al-Pacino ramble on and on about nothing of interest when suddenly someone's phone rang...and their ringtone was the Ship To Shore theme song. I've never heard more excited whipsers in my life. You could actually see the nostalgia in the room, and for those of you interested, it's yellow. So there you go. Debate settled.

Today's episode is from season two, so it's going to be a good one. I don't know why, but I just assume season two is the best season of most TV shows. They've ironed out the kinks, I've made an emotional connection to the characters, the cast seems to mesh a little better, and it hasn't gotten old yet. And you know what? In most cases, I'm right. I could go ahead knock out a list of TV shows where the second season is the best one (Prison Break, Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Weeds), but that'd take way too much time, and I really want to get on with snarking Ship To Shore.

(Oh, and this recap might not be quite as detailed as the last two, because I'm really tired. Like, zombie tired. After entirely too much vino, I spent last night trying to get to sleep on my friends' floor, freezing cold, with nothing to cover me but my own leather jacket. On the plus side, I've never felt more rock 'n' roll.)



We kick off the episode with two people diving. (I've looked ahead, and it's geeky Gavin and moral Julie.) Gavin's looking at some seals, and Julie gets really mad at this for some reason. I don't know why. Isn't the whole point of going diving to check out the creatures of the deep? I've never been diving, but I don't know what else they'd be down there for. Anyway, they get out of the water and she storms off. Yeah, I don't know. Why was there always an annoying holier-than-thou girl kid in these shows? They might as well have just named he Linda Twist. (Or Ma-Ti).

Hermes Endakis, the island's security chief and all-round baddie of the piece, is in town putting up a flyer for the Tour de Circe. I'm going completely off-topic here, but when I was growing up I always thought it was spelled 'Andarkis', because I was one of those kids who wondered how things were spelled. Anyway, the townspeople are like "What the fuck's up, Endakis with an E?" and he explains that the Dafoe (Defaux? Defeau? I'm going with Willem's spelling 'cause he's awesome) company are sponsoring a bike race around the island. Get it now? Tour de Circe? Kinda like that other bike race in a different country of a similar name? Okay, I think we're all clued in now. The Circe Islanders are all up in arms about this, again for some reason I don't understand. They're just riding some bikes. Their fucking kids do it all the time.

Hermes lets everyone know that Derek (the dopey security guard dude) is going to be their very own pride and joy in the race, and they immediately start training. I remember not liking him very much, so it makes me feel happy to see him in anguish. Because I'm sadistic like that.
Back at the beach, Gavin is hanging out by himself when Jake comes by. I remember absolutely zero about Jake, but for those of you playing at home, he was the nomadic blonde-haired guy who lived on the beach. Remember? Yeah, no bells ringing for me, either. Anyway, he's so boring and pointless that I don't want to snark him anymore. Basically Gavin comes back a couple of times and discovers that Jake used to be in the navy and has a police radio listener-into. (What are those things called? Police band radios? Something like that. I like my non-word better.)

In town, Gavin, Julie and the girl with the round glasses whose name I don't recall are outraged about the bike race. Again, I must ask why. They're fucking BICYCLES! Not cars or motorbikes or anything noisy or pollute-y. Apparently Julie thinks it'll be dangerous to the wildlife, because if the wallabies wander onto the track the riders won't be able to stop in time. Fair point, Julie, but the race is taking place on the road where people drive in their big wallaby-squashing cars all the time! As far as legs go, you and your do-gooder pals don't have one to stand on.

Kelvin (remember him? The redheaded older kid? He was fun) sees this as a money-making scheme. He was always about the money. He and his friend, the unfortunately-named Babe, come up with a scheme to use Hermes's two-way radios to commentate on the bike race for the people on the mainland. For pay, of couse. Or something like that. You know, I remember absolutely nothing about this episode except for Kelvin and his two-way radios. He sells his idea to Dafoe, and now all he has to do is convince Hermes to lend him the two-way radios. Even though I'd say if ever Hermes was actually needed on this island (and usually he's not), this big bike race would probably be his time to shine, security-wise. Moving on now.

Oh, and in case you're wondering which kid hook-up I was hoping for in this TV series, it was Kelvin and Julie. Lord knows why. Now that I'm looking back, clearly he and Babe were a match made in heaven. They're so schemy and maniacal. That, and Julie's a righteous bitch who deserves a life of unhappy spinsterdom followed by a painful death. (See what I mean about the sadism?)

Kelvin's nerdy little sister (Sally? I'm gonna call her Sally) and her nerdy little friend Lou are trying to make some sort of super pet food for hamsters for school. When I was seven, they just made us learn our times tables, but whatever. Oh, and they're doing it in the storage locker of the security base, because the whole thing smells terrible and Sally's mother doesn't want the stench permeating her house. But she's perfectly happy to have it permeate her workplace? 'Kay then.

Julie and Gavin have drawn up a petition, trying to get people to be stupid like them and protest the Tour de Circe. LAME. Half the town are on their side (mostly the adults), and the others, led by Kelvin, heckle Julie. Which I love. Seriously, is Kelvin not the most awesome 90s TV ranga? Actually, both of the last two shows I've recapped have featured awesome rangas (who were the male in the fake relationship in my mind), so that's actually a tough competition to win. Who knew?

Hermes gets drunk with power, as always, and challenges the kids to a bike race. Wait, isn't this whole episode about a -- you know what? It doesn't matter. Just go on with the ridiculousness. Hermes says that if one of the kids (the kid he chooses) can beat Derek in a preliminary bike race, he'll call the whole thing off and they get to save the wallabies or whatever the fuck they're protesting about. Hermes, grow a freakin' brain. For what possible reason would you do that? You already have the permission and the funds to host the bloody bike race, why do you feel the need to gamble it on a bunch of kids? WHY? Start making sense, man!

The kids, who are NOT complete fucktards and DO understand that they have absolutely NOTHING to lose, agree to this. Hermes reminds them that he gets to choose which kid rides. He's like, "I'll take Fatty Fat Fat!" and Gavin is crushed, because he's not much for riding. Huh, that's new. Apparently he doesn't even have a bike and has to borrow one from Jake. Okay, was I just imagining all the bike-riding they used to do? Really?

The town mayor (who I do remember as being on Hermes's side most of the time), gets all mad at Hermes for this, because apparently he has a shred of common sense. And also because Derek has just contracted acute appendicitis. I love the way acute appendicitis always comes up at the worst possible moments in TV shows. It's like, "Well, we need a pretty serious ailment, but we don't want our character to be, like, diseased for the rest of their life. I know! Let's take out the ol' appendix!" Bravo, writers, bravo. Your creativity stuns me.

Kelvin comes up to Hermes and tries to ask him if he can borrow his two-way radio, but Hermes is all broody because he gambled the big race on a smaller race with an overweight pre-teen and now he has no cyclist. Kelvin tells him he has the only solution and gets Hermes into some lycra. Now there are two things wrong with this plan that I can see. Number one, why doesn't Kelvin just do it? Obviously he's a more experienced cyclist than Hermes, and younger too. And number two, I DON'T WANT TO SEE HERMES ENDAKIS WEARING LYCRA! EVER! OH GOD, MY EYES!!



Hermes and Kelvin start their training, but Hermes is pretty bad. Gavin is also training, and he's also pretty bad. Gee. Oh, and Julie and the glasses chick are following him around. How come Julie's allowed to ride her bike around the wallaby-infested town but the out-of-towners aren't? Please die. Seriously, Julie, I want you to be dead now.

While looking for Hermes, Kelvin comes across Sally and Lou in the storage department doing their disgusting pet food experiment. He gets a Great Idea. (Deliberate capitals.) He and Babe use a little reverse psychology to get Hermes to drink the mushy green pet food goo. Ew. And neat. Oh, and Kelvin and Babe have their own secret handshake! That's just an overload of awesome! These two would have such wonderful, scheming little half-black half-ranga children. Seriously. That's a spin-off I'd like to see.

Anyway, this pet food smoothie thing is apparently the spinach to Hermes's Popeye. He automatically becomes a better cyclist! I guess that's an A-plus for Sally and Lou. I do like that neither Kelvin nor Babe are under the impression that this pet food is actually having any physical effect on Hermes whatsoever, though. They get that the transformation's all psychological. That's a nice touch.

Oh, Jake is back. He tells Gavin to get his lawyer mother to dig a little deeper into this Dafoe corporation. That's all the information he offers. Jake, I think there's a reason I don't remember you. Thanks for being a pointless do-nothing lame-o who spends his time chillin' in his beach shack with ten-year-old boys.

Let's just skip to race day before I go back in time and kill Jake with my bare hands. I mean the little Gavin/Hermes race, not the actual Tour de Circe, just to clear things up for you. Gavin rides up to the crease, and as usual, only half the town is on his side. There are boos and cheers and some muffled trash talk. At one point, Kelvin very clearly screams out, "GAVIN YOU LOSER!" and I can't stop laughing. Kelvin, you legend, you. Babe's one lucky gal. ('Cept that her name's Babe.)

Hermes rides up, all super confident that he's going to win the race. He even has a water bottle filled with the pet food! That is awful. Anyway, they race and Hermes wins. Yep, that's it. Oh, and you know why he won, don't you? Because Gavin had to brake suddenly when a wallaby ran straight into his path! BURNED! Irony stings, motherfucker!



Kelvin and Babe are hugging Hermes, which is an inappropriate situation made even less appropriate by the fact that Hermes is wearing awfully tight lycra. Naww, how sad, Gavin and Julie lose. Losers! I'm chock full of sympathy for these little bastards, in case you can't tell.

Later on, the kids are all hanging out at that general store one of their mothers owns. (I'm extremely sketchy on the details with this show, aren't I?) Of course, Kelvin and Babe aren't actually hanging out with Gavin and Julie. They're sitting on opposite ends of the room, because Gavin and Julie have cooties and they know it. Anyway, Gavin's lawyer mother comes in and tells the kids that the race has been cancelled. Kelvin's like, "Whaaa?" and Lawyer Mum explains that she took Jake's advice and dug into the Dafoe payroll, and found out that the senator's nephew works for them. Which is a conflict of interest, apparently, and it's illegal for senators to back their nephews' companies' bike races. Or something. I did Legal Studies all the way up to year twelve, but we never really focused on bike race legalities, so I'm going to have to trust Lawyer Mum on this one. Since she spawned Gavin, I'm not sure I really want to do that. Besides, this is getting a little too Utegate for me. Anyway, Julie, Gavin and the glasses chick are all mighty happy. Kelvin? Not so much.

Back at the security base, Hermes is still downing the pet food. Dude, you can stop now. Kelvin tries to get him to stop, but Hermes is too busy going on about how good victory feels. He actually says, "Today, the bike race -- tomorrow, the Tour de Circe!" Hee! Not if you get accute appendicitis, Endakis. Just as he's taking a swig of the pet food, Sally and Lou come back and scream at Hermes that he shouldn't be drinking it -- it's made up of seaweed, spinach and snails! And puppy dogs' tails! (Just kidding about that last one.) Hermes spits it out and the kids laugh. Very amusing, children. I'm just glad Julie and Gavin weren't around to witness that moment; they'd have a freaking field day.

Oh, and check out the end credits -- that's Peter Jackson, of Lord of the Rings fame, producing. What. A. Show.

That's it for today, peeps. Next time, I brave the noughties for the sake of Lizzie Maguire. Wish me luck!