Friday, February 19, 2010

The Tiger Woods Apology -- A Critical Analysis.

I know I haven't posted an actual ABC recap yet, but after watching the Tiger Woods apology at work today, I just could not wait to go home and snark it for you. I'm sorry, it's terrible. I know it. But seriously, did you see that thing? I can't just stand idly by while this piece of media does the rounds on YouTube. I must speak. And speak I will.

The CBS YouTube video only has the first eight minutes, but it's the best I could do.Any and all quotations in the pretty violet colour are Tiger's and Tiger's alone. Enjoy!

0.09 -- First line down, and I already hate this apology. Telling the people in this room they're his friends is basically saying, "You have to forgive me because you're my friend."

0.43 -- Whoever wrote this speech is extremely good at their job. Either that, or Tiger is the smartest sportsman I've ever seen.

0.46 -- Oh Tiger, did you really just do the "I'm so disappointed in you" headshake TO YOURSELF?

1.02 -- This has been rehearsed many times. Which is to be expected, of course, but the way he just switched from looking at the audience to staring directly into the camera means he also had some gnarly stage direction.

1.22 -- And a vocal coach too, apparently.

1.25 -- "As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words." I like this bit. It's poetic...

1.27 -- ...but way to accidentally tell us all that this is just your fake apology.

1.40 -- "What we say to each other will remain between the two of us." Not if Entertainment Tonight can help it, pal.

1.51 -- I think I just spotted a moment of sincerity there. I think.

2.22 -- There we go. Gotta keep whatever's left of the sponsors happy.

2.27 to 3.05 -- Rough translation: "Remember my charity work? Remember how I'm such a charitable person, doing charity things all over Charity Town? Let's spend 38 seconds of what's supposed to be my public apology talking about my charitability and not my raging sex addiction."

3.12 -- Even though he's saying that he bitterly disappointed, it sounds like "barely disappointed." Which are two completely different things.

3.31 -- "For all I have done...I am so sorry." Oh God, Tiger. You are the personification of failure right now. I think he knew this was going to be the Big Moment of the speech, thought "I need to say it with feeling," and over-emoted on the day. Either that, or Paris Hilton is his acting coach.

4.15 -- What Tiger's thinking right now: "Okay, nice qualities about Elin, nice qualities about Elin. Well there's grace and...shit, what's the other one? I know I have it written down here somewhere. Aha! Poise, that's it!" Way to sell it, Woods. Perhaps Grace was the name of one of his mistresses, and he got confused for a second there.

4.20 -- ANOTHER "I'm so disappointed in you" self-headshake? Who are you, Elizabeth Wakefield?

4.24 -- Nobody's fucking blaming Elin, Tiger. I'm pretty sure you're the one being lynched. Wait, let me check...yep, it's you we all hate now.

4.46 -- I do like his bluntness and his candidness here. There's no joke in this statement. He had affairs. He cheated. Bam. There that is.

4.57 -- This whole "I thought I was above the rules" part is probably the best thing in the speech. I'm pretty sure that's exactly the way some people think when it comes to matters like this, and he's really the only person I can think of from memory who's actually come out and said, "Yeah, I cheated because I'm better than you all." It's refreshing in a way I can't explain.

5:10 -- Asian Lady is not happy. I don't think she wants to be your friend anymore, Tiger.

5.21 -- I know this is supposed to be remorseful, but I can't help thinking this whole "I've worked so hard and just wanted to enjoy my success" is actually a carefully-placed excuse.

5.30 -- Oh sure, Tiger. Blame money and fame. They can't stand up for themselves. It doesn't matter that you're the dick who went out of his way to acquire said money and fame in the first place or anything. It's all money and fame's fault. Curse you, money and fame! You ruined Macauley Culkin for everyone, too!

5.40 -- "I don't get to play by different rules." Actually, T-Dawg, you kinda do. You're just not supposed to get caught.

5.57 -- Hoo boy, Angry Asian Lady is Tiger's mother. Dude, I saw that look all through high school. Your ass is grounded.

6.02 -- Another rough translation: "Hey you guys, remember my charity foundation? Remember how I mentioned that? Just thought I'd mention that again. I do charity work. Kinda like that musical Sweet Charity, except instead of a girl, I'm talking about charity meaning helping those less fortunate and/or giving back to the community. I may or may not have also done Charity the girl, though."

6.09 -- "I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done." I'll say. Took you long enough to write this damn apology. That car crash thing happened a whole trimester ago.

6.12 -- I reckon he's genuinely fighting back tears right here. I think it's the word 'failure'. Athletes don't like that word. Come to think of it, neither do I. I'd probably cry if I had to admit my failure in a public arena, too.

6.24 -- Fear not, Tiger dearest. If David Duchovney can do it, so can you! Hank Moody FTW!

6.42 -- "I once heard, and I believe it's true, that it's not what you achieve in life that matters, it's what you overcome." Everyone in this English speaking world has heard this, and it's commonly known as one of many Bullshit Statements Screwups Say To Justify Their Screwup-edness. Trust me. I've said it many times. It didn't work on my mum, Tiger, and it's probably not gonna work on yours.

7.50 -- And now he's making the press out the be the bad guys. Jesus, Tiger, what's the press ever done to you? Oh that's right, it introduced you to your old frenemies money and fame.

Unfortunately, this is where my video cuts out, but I think the rest has something to do with his future return to golf, which I could not give less of a shit about.

Let me be clear for a minute -- the apology was good. There was nothing wrong with the wording. In fact, I applaud it. The problem with this apology lies in Tiger's delivery. It's one thing to practice a speech, but it's quite another to rehearse one's lines. This feels like one of those moments that's going to be sent up on every sketch show in existence.

But don't worry, Mr. Woods! Your public apology was not as bad as this guy's! Seriously, folks, at least Tiger thought to dress himself in something other than a bathrobe.

I'm a West Coast supporter, and even I think he's a douche.


  1. UGH. I was at the doctor's office yesterday when this started. I'm just hanging out in the waiting room and suddenly this guy comes in and turns on the TV so he can watch Tiger's apology. I'm surprised he didn't reschedule his appointment so he could stay home and watch it, that's how worked up he was. I don't get it.

  2. I haven't seen this but I think I like your analysis better than the actual thing. Heh. Liked the "remember my charity?!" bit best.