Saturday, October 6, 2012

Degrassi TNG: Pride

(Yes, I'm back from my stay in Internet Purgatory. Let's not make a big deal about it.)

In this fantastic (in every sense of the word) episode, sexually confused Marco begins to admit that he's not like all of the other reindeer, but when his jerky buddy Spinner finds out, will he let Marco join in any of his reindeer games ever again?



Marco is dragging fake girlfriend, emo Ellie, to the beach...with all the popular kids who can't stand her. That's some real consideration for your beard there, Fake Boyfriend Marco. It should be noted that Ellie is holding an umbrella, and not the beachy kind. The rainy-day kind. Kids, if the weather is such that you feel the need to bring a rainy-day umbrella to the beach, maybe just think about going to the mall or something. Way to be a bummer, Canada.

Paige gets out of the people-mover for absolutely no other reason except to insult Ellie. I love how Paige consistently has zero consideration for anyone but herself. Ellie sits in the middle seat between Paige and Spinner, which is odd and probably quite uncomfortable, so I don't know why she'd choose to sit there. Marco sits up the front with Paige's brother, Gay Dylan, whom I thought was a total fox back in the day. Marco looks at Dylan for a long, creepy time, and somehow nobody seems to notice.

Once at the beach, Paige gives Spinner a basket full of beach towels to carry, and he refuses because he doesn't want to look like "some homo." Um, confusion. What's gay about towels? Or is it the basket? Are baskets gay? Someone? Help me, please.

Dylan overhears Spinner's slur, and Spinner tries to get out of it with the following:

Spinner: "I don't mean homo as in gay, I meant homo as in..."
Dylan: "Milk?"

Ha! Best Dylan line ever. For some reason, he thinks it's funny because he told Paige not to pack the basket. So it's the basket that's gay? Is this a thing people know? Spinner ends up carrying the basket anyway, probably so Dylan won't kick his ass over the whole homophobic milk thing.

Aw, man. The B-plot is beginning at Emma's house. This cannot be good. Spike is trying to get her giant-headed baby to sleep, but Snake comes in all sneezy. In the next thirty seconds, the poor man manages to cut his hand and sneeze his guts out some more, so his loving wife tells him to get the hell out of the house so Baby Big Head doesn't catch whatever he's got. Which -- and I'm sorry if this spoils anything for you -- is cancer. Of course it is. I know when I get the sniffles, the first thing I think is that it must be cancer. Degrassi is like one of those self-diagnosis websites that gives people the worst possible outcomes and turns them into hypochondriacs.

Those damn kids are still trekking through the wilderness to the beach. Where in the hell did they park? Dylan says that he wants to play some volleyball, because if we've learned anything from Top Gun, it's that volleyball is the most homoerotic sport there is. Ellie's lagging behind, and Marco steals a quick minute to tell her that she's bringing shit down and he wishes he hadn't invited her. Nice, Marco. Ellie responds that she's not going to be Marco's beard anymore, and he agrees that they should just be friends.

Volleyball montage! Unfortunately there are no tanned abs and glistening bodies like in Top Gun, because everyone still has all their clothes on and there's absolutely no sun to speak of. Seriously. It looks freezing cold. Degrassi, I get that Canada's a chilly country and everything, but if that's the case then you gots to stop sending the kids to the beach! It's like that episode in season four when Sean drags his friends to the beach in his hometown, and they're all wearing jackets. Nobody is fooled just because you make them play with some sand.


They couldn't get a single one of those extras into a bikini.

After the world's least sexy volleyball game, Dylan gives Marco tips on how to play volleyball. There is so much homoerotic subtext in this scene, it's not even funny. Marco stares at Dylan for a full six seconds in the least subtle way possible.

Back in the B-plot, sickly Snake has decides to go to the Jeremiah house and infect all of Joey's kids. That's thoughtful. Doesn't Joey have a kindergarten-aged daughter? Craig is pissed because he had been planning on spending the night attempting to get into Ashley's pants, which we know from future episodes would have been a fruitless endeavour anyway.

At the beach, Jimmy, Marco and Spinner are having a water-gun fight, still fully-clothed. It's like they're not even pretending that it's warm. Gay Dylan is sitting on a picnic blanket with his sister, basically pumping her for information on Marco. He tells Paige that he thinks Marco may be gay, and then Hazel comes by with the best non-sequitur of all time: "I'm freezing! Who's gay?" Ha! And thanks for finally admitting how cold it is, Hazel. You're the best.

Hazel tells Dylan that Marco couldn't possibly be gay, because she used to have a massive crush on Marco and he totally ignored her. Right. That settles it, then. The effeminate guy with no interest in women is definitely a straighty-180. The conversation ends abruptly when Dylan totally perves on a couple of male joggers. Really. He even says, "Look at them sweat!" which is not only completely creepy but also factually inaccurate, as it appears to be so cold that any perspiration would turn straight to ice in nanoseconds.

Spinner, who's randomly decided to be a homophobe today, is grossed out by Gay Dylan and his penchant for sexy jogging types. While I understand that they need an unsupportive friend for this whole storyline to work, and asshole Spinner would usually fit the bill pretty well, I find it difficult to believe that he's so over-the-top homophobic when his long-time girlfriend's brother is openly gay. Apart from the milk incident, there's nothing to suggest that they don't get along perfectly well. I'm just not buying it, you guys.

Some time later, the gang has found a nice little spot to toast marshmallows over a random barbecue. Ellie is sitting away from the group, strumming a random guitar. Where are they getting all these set pieces from? Nobody had gay picnic baskets full of guitars and barbecues before. Out of the blue, Spinner tells Marco to go over to Ellie and start acting like her boyfriend. Which is odd, because he doesn't even like Ellie. Why does he care if Marco wants to hang out with her or not? Marco tries to be all macho in front of his mates, and Ellie announces to the world that they broke up. Marco goes off by himself, and Dylan comes by to comfort him wordlessly. It would be a really poignant scene if not for the terrifically out-of-place rap song playing in the background.

The next day at school, Paige tells Spinner about her brother's theory that Marco is gay. Spinner refuses to believe it. Or does he..?

Marco comes to school wearing a hockey jersey, because he knows that Dylan is hardcore into hockey. Even more so than volleyball, you guys. That's how much of a puck-head Dylan is. Craig, Spinner and Jimmy give Marco shit about the jersey, and Spinner gets unnecessarily upset. You would think his maybe-gay best buddy being into sports might make the little hater happy, but apparently this is the only episode where Spinner is cluey and can sense what's going on before everyone else.

Marco finds Dylan in the library, and Dylan asks him if he had fun at the beach. Really, Dylan? The beach, where you know for a fact he got publicly humiliated to the point where you had to go comfort him on some rocks? Sensitive, dude. Marco is so clearly into him, everything he says comes out completely awkward. Dylan pretends not to notice. It's cute, and totally realistic...not like what happens next.

The amazing Jay Hogart walks in (in what I think might be his first appearance) and warns Marco not to drop anything in front of the big homo. Dylan throws his book at Jay's feet and stands there, looking at him menacingly. Because Dylan is a big tall hockey player who's older and probably a lot stronger than Jay, Jay cuts out of there pretty quickly. Marco thinks it's the most outstanding thing he's ever seen, even though all he did was throw a book on the ground! Why even do that? Was he challenging Jay to pick it up or something, because it wasn't even his book. Anyway, Jay cuts out and Marco bends over to pick up the book. They smile at each other. Subtext! Oh, the subtext!

Meanwhile, Craig and Emma have a short conversation about whether or not Snake actually has a cold. It's not important; I just really like Craig and Emma scenes for no particular reason. That episode where they went to find Emma's dad together was so damn cute. Okay, tangent over.

In science class, Spinner is bullying Marco into dating Hazel. It's really all I can call it. He even has a perverted hand gesture to imply that Hazel is stacked. Heh. I can never tell whether I love Spinner or hate him. This scene would be much nicer if I weren't convinced that Spinner has most definitely cottoned on to the fact that his best friend might be gay. Not sure what his plan here is, though -- maybe he thinks Hazel's amazing rack can turn Marco straight or something.

Cut to Marco and Hazel (and her boobs) on a double date with Paige and Spin. They're all having fun and laughing their heads off, and then Ellie stops by and ruins it all by taking Marco aside and reminding him that he's not straight. Well heck, Ellie, why are we letting a little thing like that ruin everyone fun? After that tremendous telling-off, Marco lies to the others and tells them that he has to go home for dinner, but Suddenly Smart Spinner is not fooled for a second, yo! He follows Marco into the parking lot and absolutely berates the hell out of him. Marco cries and tells Spinner that he's gay. Spinner seems shocked by this, even though he already had an inkling, and huffs off.

Oh, and Snake has cancer. But I already told you that was going to happen, so don't be all Spinner-shocked about it.

The next day, Spinner, Jimmy and Craig are talking about the weekend, but before that, we get an obligatory student-complaining-about-his-classes line. This time it's Craig, who tells Jimmy, "Why are they teaching us about soil erosion? I'm not a farmer. I'm never going to be a farmer." It would be classic if it weren't completely ripping off Ferris Bueller's sentiments on European Socialism. Anyway.

Dylan joins them and hands them all tickets for his big hockey game. Note: Spinner seems completely fine with Dylan. The dude even puts his hand on Spinner's shoulder, and Spinner doesn't even notice...but the second Marco gets a mention (and Craig and Jimmy get excited about a "boys' night") Spinner calls them fags. Legit calls them fags. You're allowed to say 'fag' in Degrassi, as long as it serves a purpose and is never mentioned again.

Jimmy and Craig apparently think that randomly being called fags is sort-of weird behaviour (where would they get that idea?) and Spinner tells the boys that Marco's not coming to the game because he's busy with Ellie. 'Cause it's one thing to go watch a gay guy play hockey, but it's quite another to watch a gay guy play hockey with a gay guy. I just...I don't even know. Spinner is so selectively homophobic, it's getting bizarre.

In PE class, the boys are playing...wait for it...volleyball. Of course they are! This is the gay episode, after all. Craig tells Marco that it's too bad he can't come tonight, and Marco goes up to Spinner and demands to know why he lied to the guys about the hockey game. It culminates in Spinner accusing Marco of only wanting to go to the hockey game because of his "big gay crush." Which is actually true. Mr. Armstrong the PE teacher tells them to stop gossiping and play some v-ball. I like that he presumably heard all of that and decided to completely ignore it. Teacher of the year right there.

What happens next is just sad, subtextually. Spinner decides that what volleyball needs is a little bit of violence, and continuously spikes the ball hard and fast at Marco. No, Spinner! This is volleyball, the subject of Marco and Dylan's first sexually-charged conversation! You're turning it into a hate crime! Stop it!

There is some B-plot action where Snake decides to take control of his body again and shaves his head for charity. Poor Snake. Of all the old Degrassi alumni, he's probably the least deserving of this fate. Stephanie Kaye? Totally different story.

Spinner takes himself to the mens' room and writes the smallest possible 'Marco is a fag' above the urinals. Seriously. His graffiti fits into the grouting of the brick wall. Why even bother? Jimmy catches him doing it, and gets angry. Not sure why, considering that I don't believe Marco and Jimmy have had more than five scenes together previously. He asks Spinner if he's going to write something racist about him next, and Spinner is offended because he is not a racist! Then again, he's also not homophobic, except when he is.

That's literally the graffiti. Right there. I had to circle it.

Ellie comes up to Marco at his locker, and Marco tells her that he's not going to the hockey game after all. Thankfully, Marco's new bestie Jimmy happens by, calls him by his last name, and tells him that he has to come with them to the game. Yay for Jimmy! Ellie gives her friend a supportive smile, which is nice, since Jimmy didn't even bother to acknowledge her existence. It should also be noted that Marco has a picture of Shakira in his locker, which, way to sell 'straight', Del Rossi.


Her hips don't lie, and neither does his taste in music.


In the B-plot, Joey and the stupid brunette girlfriend who's not Caitlin decide to come by Snake's house and fix his cancer with a salad and omega-3 fatty acids. Really. That's actually what Not-Caitlin's plan is. Snake comes home, limping, and treats his guests to the tale of his biopsy. (Which was from the pelvic bone, hence the uncomfortable walking situation he's found himself in.) He tells everyone to stay, and then puts on some music and yells, "Let's get this party started!" Clearly he's dealing with this well.

That night, Marco is going to Dylan's hockey game dressed like this:





Okay. He won't stand out at all. For some reason, the arena he's trying to find is located in the middle of Gay Town, Ontario. We know it's a gay hotspot because there's a rainbow flag in the background, and if you look closely, you can maybe catch on to the fact that the people there might possibly butter their bread on that side. But you really have to look, because it's not like everyone's wearing leather:



Or hugging their boyfriend:



Or holding hands while walking their dog:



Or standing on the corner with a terrifically bad blonde dye-job APPLYING MOTHERFUCKING LIP BALM:





Seriously! What in the hell?! There are more gay stereotypes on this one city block than at ten Celine Dion concerts! Subtlety can kiss Degrassi's ass. Despite the literal buffet of openly gay men, it's Marco who ends up the target of a homophobic gang, which I guess makes sense. He is much, much smaller than the other guys. And that one couple had that giant horse of a dog, so it's not like they were getting bashed anytime soon.

Meanwhile, at the hockey game, Jimmy is concerned that BFF-of-the-week Marco isn't there yet. He decides to give him a call.

The violent gang has taken Marco to the park. Marco is in a headlock, and the most vocal of the thugs tells him that he's pretty. "Almost girl pretty." Kind of an odd thing to say, but whatever floats your boat, Loud Obnoxious Gangbanger. Marco gets Jimmy's call, but the thugs break his phone and beat the hell out of him. Truly. Their trash talk may be a world of terrible, but this scene is actually quite violent. Marco looks terrified. This is one of the first times Degrassi's tried to be confronting and has actually succeeded.

Thankfully, the police randomly happen by and chase the thugs off. Well bully for that. Great timing, Canada's Finest, although I'm a little disappointed that you're not mounties. Jimmy also comes by and consoles poor old Marco. Thank God those gangbangers thought to gay-bash Marco in the world's busiest, centrally-located, best-lit park.

At school the next day, Marco's been telling people that he got swarmed for his shoes. What a cover story. Ellie thinks now's the time to berate him about coming out, because things like timing apparently mean shit to her. Marco, predictably, tells her to drop it. He also flees from his beloved Dylan, which is probably the saddest thing of all. Who will pick up Dylan's books when he throws them at people's feet now?

Jimmy and Spinner are shooting hoops, and Spinner makes fun of Marco getting his shoes stolen. Apparently he finds nothing fishy about his story. (Like the fact that he still has his shoes.) He then goes on to say that it's Marco's fault, because he decided not to walk to the game with the rest of the guys. Spinner, are you smoking crack or something? You didn't want him there! He went to the game by himself because Spinner made him feel so unwelcome! Dammit, Spinner!

The episode ends with the Spinner and Marco in the bathroom, admiring Spinner's tiny graffiti with the aid of a magnifying glass. Spinner tells Marco to stop being gay, and then Marco grows a gigantic pair of balls and tells Spin that he's just as bad as the guys who bashed him. End credits. Nothing gets resolved, which I actually like, to be honest. Sometimes things don't get fixed in an episode. Sometimes they don't even get fixed in a two-parter. That's when you know you've got problems.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Degrassi's Neil Hope, aka Wheels, dies


Gotta say, this one's a bit of a mind-flip.

Fans of Degrassi Junior High will be sad to learn that Neil Hope, who played my favourite DJH fall-from-gracer Wheels, died in 2007. The news broke five years later when one of his relatives announced his death in a Facebook group calling for the actor to join the social networking site.

More information here. Really sad news, you guys.

Friday, May 27, 2011

In Loving Memory: Actors Who Made My Childhood What It Was






Let me tell you a little something about myself: I am one of those people who adores Grease. It's one of the handful of films I can quote off by heart, and Kenickie just happened to be my absolute favourite character. At my school's year twelve Foundation Day concert, I went out of my way to be Kenickie. (Not such a difficult feat, as I went to an all-girls' school and nobody was exactly clamouring for a guy part except me.) So I was extremely saddened to hear the news that Kenickie's portrayer, Jeff Conaway, died today at age 60.


Last night I went to a football game where Olivia Newton-John was the pre-game enterainment. (She was wonderful, by the way.) It does bum me out that while I was grooving along to 'You're The One That I Want,' Kenkickie was dying, but them's the breaks, I guess. In honour of Jeff Conaway, today's post will be about the actors who well and truly defined my adolescence, all of whom have been taken too soon.






Corey Haim




Even my mother knew who Corey Haim was, which is big considering that her grasp of pop culture ended when people stopped giving a shit about David Cassidy. It does make me sad to think that we will never again have a complete set of Coreys.






Brittany Murphy




Oh, cluless Tai. Oh, interrupted Daisy. Oh, just married Sarah. After she died, I was surprised to learn how many Brittany Murphy DVDs I actually own. She's the favourite actress you never realised you loved.






Patrick Swayze




Johnny Castle lifting Baby up in the air like he just don't care is STILL one of the few movie moments my friends and I actually cheer about without the aid of alcohol. Whether he's yelling at Jerry Orbach for forcing his daugther to sit in a corner (the horror!) or getting all freaky-like on a pottery wheel with Demi, Patrick Swayze had all our hearts. Also, Roadhouse. Just...just Roadhouse.






Belinda Emmett




She may not have been internationally-known, but for a Home and Away addict such as myself, Belinda Emmett was a golden goddess who died when she was only 32.






Esben Storm




Anyone who's had even a halfhearted look around this blog knows my deep, unfaltering love for Round the Twist, so it should come as no surprise that I was devastated upon hearing that Esben Storm, the creative genius behind the show (and the guy who played Mr. Snapper) died in April this year.






Heath Ledger




I've said more than enough about my biggest childhood crush, Heath Ledger, in previous posts, but I couldn't compile a list like this without adding him. He taught us that it's okay for men to sing their hearts out on the bleachers in an attempt to woo soccer-playing feminist intellectuals.






River Phoenix




Talk about your tragic ends. River Phoenix was the super, super talented kid we first got to know in Stand By Me. Hell, I would've gladly braved those train tracks and that leech-infested water just to call him my friend.






Ashleigh Aston Moore




Now and Then is one of those films you saw a million times, because it was just that good. It told a tale of friendship, teen romance, naked Devon Sawa...and Moore's clueless Chrissie was a highlight for many.






Paul Gleason




Principal Vernon makes the list by virtue of being in The Breakfast Club, my all-time favourite movie of all time. In the film, he was a nasty-pants of epic proportions, and his portrayal of the evil antagonist principal hit home with many a high school student.






Natasha Richardson




She was the loving working mother of Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap, and I can remember really wanting her to be my mother as well. I also wanted to find my twin at summer camp though, so make of that what you will.






John Hughes




No, he's not an actor, but he occasionally did cameos in his films, so that counts, right? Doesn't take away from the fact that John Hughes was pretty damn important. He was responsible for the thinking person's teen movie. These movies had less to do with apple pie and more to do with socially awkward and downright weird teenagers desperately trying to fit in. He gave Andie a quirky fashion sense and a soft spot for cute richies named after major appliances. He gave Samantha a very memorable birthday. He gave Bender a tough childhood and a beautiful new love interest. He gave Ferris a day off. His films look and sound so very eighties, but in each of them lies a message that will go on speaking to each new generation -- you're not the only one who feels like this.






Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Grease again. And I apologise in advance to my neighbours, because I will be singing. Oh yes, I will be singing.
 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The End Of An Era: Beverly Hills, 90210

Before I begin the real post, I have to say that I have more 90210 news, thanks once again to Jennie Garth and her fabulous Twitter account. Congratulations must go to Ian Ziering, aka the real life Steve Sanders, and his wife, who welcomed a baby girl a few days ago.

Firstly, I apologise for my absence of late. Me being me, I have a bunch of excuses, which I will outline for you later on, but I need to get this off my chest. I am, after all, having a crisis.

I was too young for Beverly Hills, 90210 when it first graced our screens in the nineties. I caught a few sneaky episodes when my parents were out of the room in later seasons, but it was pretty much a "big girl" show, and little ol' me was barred by the powers that be.


Thanks to the wonder of DVD and my local library, I've finally managed to watch this show. No, not "watch." That's too soft a word. More like "obsess over." I'm hooked -- hooked, I tell you! I've fallen in love with Brandon, fallen out of love with Dylan, looked up to Brenda, been thoroughly annoyed by Kelly, hated Silver, loved Silver (more on that later.) I'm a true 90210-phile. And now I'm up to the final disc of the final season.

 Sure, I haven't spent 10 years watching this show like obsessive 90210 fans of the appropriate age did, but this journey hasn't been a short one. In 2008, my library started collecting every season of the show up to season six, but being annoying and stupid, they broke them up into 2-disc parts and I had to borrow them individually, and trust me -- I could hardly ever get more than one of these parts at a time. I always had to wait for some schmuck to return it in order to find out what happened next. It was harrowing. I own a few seasons now, but still. Don't tell me I didn't put in the hard yards for these people.

But alas, I am almost done. It's almost over. And you guys, I'm sad about it. Empty. I mean, the show's nowhere as good as it was in the first few seasons. Shit, it's hardly the same show at all. So much has changed, so many characters have left, and so many have shown up seemingly out of nowhere, like certain ice-skating cousin/sisters nobody said a word about for eight seasons, but they're like a second family to me now. (Even the ice-dancing cousin/sister.) I can hardly believe that I won't be privy to their fabulous lives anymore. (And before you suggest it, let me say that I hate the new 90210 with a passion. That whole thing with Jackie Taylor, and Brenda coming back, and Kelly's baby daddy? Didn't happen. It's not canon. Just don't even talk to me about it.)

In honour of my final week as a 90210 viewer, I thought I'd take the time to share with you some of my favourite moments/characters/general 90210ness that I've enjoyed over the past ten seasons/three years of my life. Plus at the end, a bonus challenge for myself, and I suppose anyone else as insane as I. Are you ready? Here we go.







Although I have over 200 episodes to choose from, I have to make a decision, so here it is -- season three, episode 32: Commencement. I tossed up between this one and the prom episode, but this one wins out because of the ending. Andrea's valedictorian speech and Kelly's dad showing up and the ridiculous prank on the Hollywood sign, with the Triplets' 'Blood Is Thicker Than Water' playing in the background? So perfect. Perfecter than perfect.
Honourable Mention: Although I'm a purist at heart, I have to say that another of my favourite ever episodes actually comes from season ten -- Steve and Janet's wedding scavenger hunt. From the scavenger hunt partner-swapping to Dylan's onesie pyjamas to Gina and Silver's oddly-named lost dog. ("Who would name a dog Joan?" is one of my favourite Silver quotes of all time.) And, of course, the wedding.








Simultaneously the best and the most annoying showdown comes from season three, when Kelly and Dylan admit to Brenda that they dated while she was away in Paris. Brenda telling them where to go is priceless, but holy shit, the way that Kelly acts like it's not even slightly her fault? I wish Kelly could be a normal human being sometimes.

 Honourable Mention: Dylan versus Brandon, even though his punch accidentally landed on Steve's face. I guess I just really like it when Dylan hits people. Hey, speaking of Dylan...









Picture this: Scott Scanlon has just died. Sure, most of the gang don't know him very well -- he was just David Silver's nerdy friend, but he's dead. (And despite the fact that he didn't go to Scott's cringeworthy birthday party the night he died, Dylan still sorta knew him.) Anyway, my Dylan McKay highlight is during Scott's memorial, when he quietly turns to Brenda and says, "I don't mean to sound like an ass, but which one was Scott Scanlon? When you told me what happened, I thought it was that guy over there. Obviously, it's not." Brenda goes on to tell him that he was David Silver's friend, and he was in one of Dylan's classes last year. Dylan, now utterly devastated, says, "Oh my God, that guy?!" I know it's not supposed to be a particularly comedic episode, but that exchange is priceless Dylan.

Honourable Mention: No. Nope. Nothing. It was going to be that scene where he comforts Kelly after she was nearly raped at the Halloween party, because I thought it was just the sweetest thing ever when I first watched it. Then I saw the awful Kelly/Dylan sneaky love affair, and now it's ruined for me forever. Look what you did, Dylan. Your platonic friendship with Kelly is retroactively dead now, just like your BFF Scott Scanlon.








This one is for the character who I believe truly embodies the 90210 spirit of always giving people a second chance, despite how badly they may or may not deserve one. And nobody exemplifies this more than prodigal son David Silver, who went from being one of my least favourite characters in the history of television to one of my favourite. Apart from Steve Sanders, who I love with all my heart and soul, Silver dearest is one of the few characters that I'm completely loyal to. Every single time someone fights with him on the show, I mentally take his side. Except when he was fighting with Valerie, 'cause I didn't love him then quite like I do now. That's right, you guys. I love David Silver. I can barely believe it myself.

 Honourable Mentions: Gina Kinkaid. I had absolutely no interest in welcoming her to the 90210 family when she first arrived, simply because in my eyes she was a bastardised version of Valerie. She wasn't even good at being a Valerie, not like Valerie. Now she was the Valeriest. Anyway, I'm unashamed to say that as soon as she declared war on self-righteous Kelly, I was on Team Gina.

 Honourable Mention No. 2: Clare Arnold. Because seriously, did anyone like Clare when she first appeared on our screens for the sole purpose of sexually harassing Brandon? I think not. She was annoying and stupid and so annoying. But then she got with Steve, and she changed him, man. She was the one who truly turned him into a decent, loving boyfriend. She led the way for Carly, who in turn prepped him for a child-filled life with Janet by letting Steve bond with her son whose name I can never remember but just know that he was totally the kid Nicolas Cage killed in Face/Off.








Brenda and Dylan. Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan. Just...Brenda and Dylan. Screw off, Kelly.

Honourable Mention: Oddly enough, Silver and Valerie. The only reason they didn't steal top spot from the oft-dysfunctional Brenda and Dylan is because my favourite incarnation of the Silvalerie union was when they were pretending to date again in season eight. They really rocked that headboard...literally.









I try not to judge too harshly, considering that this is the nineties we're talking about here. Everyone looked horrendous, but Donna...well, she just looked ever so slightly more horrendous than most. Perhaps if she had stopped shopping in the children's department and actually wore a decent-sized shirt every once in a while, things wouldn't have to be like this. Plus, she was supposed to be a budding designer, so I was all the more critical on her.

 (Dis)honourable Mention: David "Mr. 180" Silver, because the guy had the opposite problem to Donna -- everything he owned, even his suits, was at least two sizes too big for him. And not in a cool nineties sort of way. In a he-most-likely-has-some-type-of-body-dysmorphia way. How I still love him regardless of this flaw is baffling.







Aw heck, let's just give it to Steve and Andrea. I'm well aware that they would've been terrible together, but surely after that sexually-charged SAT prep session in season one and their sexually-charged egg exchange in season two, surely you were at least curious? *Crickets* Just me then? Oookay. Awkward.

 Honourable Mention: Noah and Gina. I tend to not really like either of them when they're not actively pissing off Kelly, but there's something about them together that just feels right. Gina knew it. She totally wanted to gets in them finely-pressed Hunter slacks, but alas, it wasn't to be.








I want to say Kelly, I really do. If we were still in season six, I would say heck yes, Brandon and Kelly all the way. After all, they were so cute, and he was so not Dylan, which was perfect for her. But that got pretty old pretty quickly, didn't it? I guess I'm going to have to go out on a limb and pick the lovely Susan Keats, played by the future Mrs. Anya Jenkins herself, Emma Caulfield. They were incredibly well-suited to one another -- at least, before her hasty exit. And who do they replace her with? Some random wannabe journalist named Tracy who looked exactly like Susan. Don't even get me started.

Honourable Mention: Okay, I'll give it to Kelly.








At first I thought this was going to be a toughie, what with the multitude of examples that immediately sprung to mind, but it was actually a lot easier than that to choose the winner. You see, I watch soap operas. I can handle my share of bullshit. Cousins turning out to be sisters? Fine. Fathers coming back from the dead? No probs; I hear they do it all the time. The one storyline I could absolutely not swallow no matter how hard I tried, though, was Dylan discovering that he and Kelly knew each other in a past life. He was a cowboy, you say, scriptwriters? They were in the Wild West? Nope, sorry, not buying it. And coming from me, that's saying something.

 Honourable Mention: Steve and Janet being taken hostage at the Beverly Beat office by a butcher who'd captured a midget he thought was a leprechaun, and demanding his pot of gold. I was sure that I'd never take the show seriously after that. I mean, it is the circle of television life, after all. Fonzie jumped a shark, Steve and Janet had an armed butcher try to exchange a dwarf at a newspaper office. In the end they all learned a lesson, though, so it was okay.



Okay, now for the bonus round. I mentioned earlier that I had a lot of excuses as to why I haven't posted here for a while, but here's my most valid one -- I have been working a lot lately to fund my first ever overseas trip, and guess where I'm going? The United States. Including Los Angeles. And you know what else had a happy life over in Los Angeles, don't you? Why, Beverly Hills, 90210, naturally! So here's my challenge to myself: in honour of my fantasy BFF Steve Sanders and his real-life TV wife Janet, I'm doing my very own scavenger hunt of 90210 locations. Yes, with the assistance of my dear friend Google, I plan to find at least six locations actually used in the show. They are, in no particular order:

--The Walsh House. Because no 90210 pilgrimage is complete without visiting this ol' chestnut.
--Dylan's House. I've heard that they actually filmed in this house for the entire second season before building a replica on their soundstage. Luke Perry stood in their shower. Must. Go. There. (Not to the shower, though, because that would be creepy.)
--Carly/David's White House With Blue Trim. Just in case the little kid from Face/Off is still around, because if I can convince anyone to introduce me to John Travolta, I feel like it might be him.
--Donna and Kelly's Beach Apartment. I have to know if it's still that horrible blue colour in real life.
--West Beverly High, aka Sunnydale High, Rancho Carne High, John Hughes High, Paul Walker Is A Douchebag High and whatever it was called in Whatever It Takes.
--The Peach Pit. No explanation necessary.




Wish me happy hunting, y'all, and see you in Beverly Hills!

Monday, January 31, 2011