The End Of An Era: Beverly Hills, 90210

Before I begin the real post, I have to say that I have more 90210 news, thanks once again to Jennie Garth and her fabulous Twitter account. Congratulations must go to Ian Ziering, aka the real life Steve Sanders, and his wife, who welcomed a baby girl a few days ago.

Firstly, I apologise for my absence of late. Me being me, I have a bunch of excuses, which I will outline for you later on, but I need to get this off my chest. I am, after all, having a crisis.

I was too young for Beverly Hills, 90210 when it first graced our screens in the nineties. I caught a few sneaky episodes when my parents were out of the room in later seasons, but it was pretty much a "big girl" show, and little ol' me was barred by the powers that be.


Thanks to the wonder of DVD and my local library, I've finally managed to watch this show. No, not "watch." That's too soft a word. More like "obsess over." I'm hooked -- hooked, I tell you! I've fallen in love with Brandon, fallen out of love with Dylan, looked up to Brenda, been thoroughly annoyed by Kelly, hated Silver, loved Silver (more on that later.) I'm a true 90210-phile. And now I'm up to the final disc of the final season.

 Sure, I haven't spent 10 years watching this show like obsessive 90210 fans of the appropriate age did, but this journey hasn't been a short one. In 2008, my library started collecting every season of the show up to season six, but being annoying and stupid, they broke them up into 2-disc parts and I had to borrow them individually, and trust me -- I could hardly ever get more than one of these parts at a time. I always had to wait for some schmuck to return it in order to find out what happened next. It was harrowing. I own a few seasons now, but still. Don't tell me I didn't put in the hard yards for these people.

But alas, I am almost done. It's almost over. And you guys, I'm sad about it. Empty. I mean, the show's nowhere as good as it was in the first few seasons. Shit, it's hardly the same show at all. So much has changed, so many characters have left, and so many have shown up seemingly out of nowhere, like certain ice-skating cousin/sisters nobody said a word about for eight seasons, but they're like a second family to me now. (Even the ice-dancing cousin/sister.) I can hardly believe that I won't be privy to their fabulous lives anymore. (And before you suggest it, let me say that I hate the new 90210 with a passion. That whole thing with Jackie Taylor, and Brenda coming back, and Kelly's baby daddy? Didn't happen. It's not canon. Just don't even talk to me about it.)

In honour of my final week as a 90210 viewer, I thought I'd take the time to share with you some of my favourite moments/characters/general 90210ness that I've enjoyed over the past ten seasons/three years of my life. Plus at the end, a bonus challenge for myself, and I suppose anyone else as insane as I. Are you ready? Here we go.

Although I have over 200 episodes to choose from, I have to make a decision, so here it is -- season three, episode 32: Commencement. I tossed up between this one and the prom episode, but this one wins out because of the ending. Andrea's valedictorian speech and Kelly's dad showing up and the ridiculous prank on the Hollywood sign, with the Triplets' 'Blood Is Thicker Than Water' playing in the background? So perfect. Perfecter than perfect.

Honourable Mention: Although I'm a purist at heart, I have to say that another of my favourite ever episodes actually comes from season ten -- Steve and Janet's wedding scavenger hunt. From the scavenger hunt partner-swapping to Dylan's onesie pyjamas to Gina and Silver's oddly-named lost dog. ("Who would name a dog Joan?" is one of my favourite Silver quotes of all time.) And, of course, the wedding.








Simultaneously the best and the most annoying showdown comes from season three, when Kelly and Dylan admit to Brenda that they dated while she was away in Paris. Brenda telling them where to go is priceless, but holy shit, the way that Kelly acts like it's not even slightly her fault? I wish Kelly could be a normal human being sometimes.

 Honourable Mention: Dylan versus Brandon, even though his punch accidentally landed on Steve's face. I guess I just really like it when Dylan hits people. Hey, speaking of Dylan...









Picture this: Scott Scanlon has just died. Sure, most of the gang don't know him very well -- he was just David Silver's nerdy friend, but he's dead. (And despite the fact that he didn't go to Scott's cringeworthy birthday party the night he died, Dylan still sorta knew him.) Anyway, my Dylan McKay highlight is during Scott's memorial, when he quietly turns to Brenda and says, "I don't mean to sound like an ass, but which one was Scott Scanlon? When you told me what happened, I thought it was that guy over there. Obviously, it's not." Brenda goes on to tell him that he was David Silver's friend, and he was in one of Dylan's classes last year. Dylan, now utterly devastated, says, "Oh my God, that guy?!" I know it's not supposed to be a particularly comedic episode, but that exchange is priceless Dylan.

Honourable Mention: No. Nope. Nothing. It was going to be that scene where he comforts Kelly after she was nearly raped at the Halloween party, because I thought it was just the sweetest thing ever when I first watched it. Then I saw the awful Kelly/Dylan sneaky love affair, and now it's ruined for me forever. Look what you did, Dylan. Your platonic friendship with Kelly is retroactively dead now, just like your BFF Scott Scanlon.








This one is for the character who I believe truly embodies the 90210 spirit of always giving people a second chance, despite how badly they may or may not deserve one. And nobody exemplifies this more than prodigal son David Silver, who went from being one of my least favourite characters in the history of television to one of my favourite. Apart from Steve Sanders, who I love with all my heart and soul, Silver dearest is one of the few characters that I'm completely loyal to. Every single time someone fights with him on the show, I mentally take his side. Except when he was fighting with Valerie, 'cause I didn't love him then quite like I do now. That's right, you guys. I love David Silver. I can barely believe it myself.

 Honourable Mentions: Gina Kinkaid. I had absolutely no interest in welcoming her to the 90210 family when she first arrived, simply because in my eyes she was a bastardised version of Valerie. She wasn't even good at being a Valerie, not like Valerie. Now she was the Valeriest. Anyway, I'm unashamed to say that as soon as she declared war on self-righteous Kelly, I was on Team Gina.

 Honourable Mention No. 2: Clare Arnold. Because seriously, did anyone like Clare when she first appeared on our screens for the sole purpose of sexually harassing Brandon? I think not. She was annoying and stupid and so annoying. But then she got with Steve, and she changed him, man. She was the one who truly turned him into a decent, loving boyfriend. She led the way for Carly, who in turn prepped him for a child-filled life with Janet by letting Steve bond with her son whose name I can never remember but just know that he was totally the kid Nicolas Cage killed in Face/Off.








Brenda and Dylan. Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan. Just...Brenda and Dylan. Screw off, Kelly.

Honourable Mention: Oddly enough, Silver and Valerie. The only reason they didn't steal top spot from the oft-dysfunctional Brenda and Dylan is because my favourite incarnation of the Silvalerie union was when they were pretending to date again in season eight. They really rocked that headboard...literally.









I try not to judge too harshly, considering that this is the nineties we're talking about here. Everyone looked horrendous, but Donna...well, she just looked ever so slightly more horrendous than most. Perhaps if she had stopped shopping in the children's department and actually wore a decent-sized shirt every once in a while, things wouldn't have to be like this. Plus, she was supposed to be a budding designer, so I was all the more critical on her.

 (Dis)honourable Mention: David "Mr. 180" Silver, because the guy had the opposite problem to Donna -- everything he owned, even his suits, was at least two sizes too big for him. And not in a cool nineties sort of way. In a he-most-likely-has-some-type-of-body-dysmorphia way. How I still love him regardless of this flaw is baffling.







Aw heck, let's just give it to Steve and Andrea. I'm well aware that they would've been terrible together, but surely after that sexually-charged SAT prep session in season one and their sexually-charged egg exchange in season two, surely you were at least curious? *Crickets* Just me then? Oookay. Awkward.

 Honourable Mention: Noah and Gina. I tend to not really like either of them when they're not actively pissing off Kelly, but there's something about them together that just feels right. Gina knew it. She totally wanted to gets in them finely-pressed Hunter slacks, but alas, it wasn't to be.








I want to say Kelly, I really do. If we were still in season six, I would say heck yes, Brandon and Kelly all the way. After all, they were so cute, and he was so not Dylan, which was perfect for her. But that got pretty old pretty quickly, didn't it? I guess I'm going to have to go out on a limb and pick the lovely Susan Keats, played by the future Mrs. Anya Jenkins herself, Emma Caulfield. They were incredibly well-suited to one another -- at least, before her hasty exit. And who do they replace her with? Some random wannabe journalist named Tracy who looked exactly like Susan. Don't even get me started.

Honourable Mention: Okay, I'll give it to Kelly.








At first I thought this was going to be a toughie, what with the multitude of examples that immediately sprung to mind, but it was actually a lot easier than that to choose the winner. You see, I watch soap operas. I can handle my share of bullshit. Cousins turning out to be sisters? Fine. Fathers coming back from the dead? No probs; I hear they do it all the time. The one storyline I could absolutely not swallow no matter how hard I tried, though, was Dylan discovering that he and Kelly knew each other in a past life. He was a cowboy, you say, scriptwriters? They were in the Wild West? Nope, sorry, not buying it. And coming from me, that's saying something.

 Honourable Mention: Steve and Janet being taken hostage at the Beverly Beat office by a butcher who'd captured a midget he thought was a leprechaun, and demanding his pot of gold. I was sure that I'd never take the show seriously after that. I mean, it is the circle of television life, after all. Fonzie jumped a shark, Steve and Janet had an armed butcher try to exchange a dwarf at a newspaper office. In the end they all learned a lesson, though, so it was okay.



Okay, now for the bonus round. I mentioned earlier that I had a lot of excuses as to why I haven't posted here for a while, but here's my most valid one -- I have been working a lot lately to fund my first ever overseas trip, and guess where I'm going? The United States. Including Los Angeles. And you know what else had a happy life over in Los Angeles, don't you? Why, Beverly Hills, 90210, naturally! So here's my challenge to myself: in honour of my fantasy BFF Steve Sanders and his real-life TV wife Janet, I'm doing my very own scavenger hunt of 90210 locations. Yes, with the assistance of my dear friend Google, I plan to find at least six locations actually used in the show. They are, in no particular order:

--The Walsh House. Because no 90210 pilgrimage is complete without visiting this ol' chestnut.
--Dylan's House. I've heard that they actually filmed in this house for the entire second season before building a replica on their soundstage. Luke Perry stood in their shower. Must. Go. There. (Not to the shower, though, because that would be creepy.)
--Carly/David's White House With Blue Trim. Just in case the little kid from Face/Off is still around, because if I can convince anyone to introduce me to John Travolta, I feel like it might be him.
--Donna and Kelly's Beach Apartment. I have to know if it's still that horrible blue colour in real life.
--West Beverly High, aka Sunnydale High, Rancho Carne High, John Hughes High, Paul Walker Is A Douchebag High and whatever it was called in Whatever It Takes.
--The Peach Pit. No explanation necessary.




Wish me happy hunting, y'all, and see you in Beverly Hills!

An Open Letter To Jordan Catalano

Dear Jordan Catalano,

You and I don't know each other very well, but I feel compelled to write to you anyway. See, My So-Called Life was one of those TV shows that my mother didn't want me watching when it originally aired, so I had to be stealth. I don't know why I kept tuning in week after week, since I was really quite young and understood approximately 5% of what was happening in any given scene. But you see, Jordan Catalano, things have changed since the nineties. Things have happened. More specifically, DVDs have happened. Now, thanks to this modern wonder, and also my friendly local librarians who purchased it for their library and saved me like forty bucks, you and I are finally getting a second chance, the second chance I always knew we deserved.

This is you, in case you've forgotten.

There are so many things I want to say to you, Jordan Catalano. (There are actually more things I want to do to you, but you're only like seventeen or something, right? So that's gross, right? I'm thinking I'd better keep this post clean and, more importantly, legal.) You are a very strange soul. You do the weirdest crap, like, all the time. It's no wonder Angela Chase is literally crazy about you. And not in the cute, "Aw, I'm so crazy about you, Jordan Catalano" kind of way, either. There are times when I feel like she's literally a half step away from flying over the cuckoo's nest because of the things you do.

You're a man of few words, Jordan Catalano, that's for sure. I like to think you actually possess a deep fountain of emotion under all that teen angst, but your communication skills need a little work. And surely you're not as dumb as you seem, but trust me, Jordan Catalano, you do seem dumb sometimes. I mean, like when you told Angela that you wanted to make snow for a living. Do you really think that's a thing, or have you just seen Edward Scissorhands too many times? If you take Winona Ryder movies that seriously, I fear that the never-made second season of MSCL would've had you and Christian Slater running around trying to knock off all the Heathers.

Stripey you!

There are some people out there (mainly mentally-unstable Brian Krakow fans) who think you're mean, that you don't deserve the wonderful Angela Chase. And admittedly, Jordan Catalano, there are times when I've thought something similar, the most obvious being:

-- The time Angela was upset over a rumour that you two had sex, and your extremely thoughtful way of dealing with the situation was to tell her that since everyone's talking about it, maybe you guys should just do it anyway. Like really, Jordan Catalano, you were going so well with the whole "I'd never screw you and then tell everyone about it" speech and then, bam! Ruined.

-- When you made out with Angela in the boiler room til your heart's content, then refused to be seen in public with her. Angela Chase is hot, okay, Jordan Catalano? Way Hotter than Cynthia Hardgrove and her semi-precious pimple. No amount of Shakespeare appreciation and hallway hand-holding is going to make up for that.

-- That night you were supposed to meet her parents, and totally just didn't show. Not even a phone call or anything. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is for a fifteen-year-old girl, to get all excited about a boy coming over to the point where she actually told her parents, and then you stand her up? I was so mad at you, Jordan Catalano. Wait, not mad. More like disappointed. Disappointed and mad.

-- And oh yeah, that time YOU HAD SEX WITH RAYANNE GRAFF IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR. What were you thinking, Jordan Catalano, what? Getting drunk with Rayanne, alone, in a parking lot? How did that sound like a good idea to you? And in your car, of all places? That car was a metaphor for yours and Angela's relationship! Of all the places to do it, you go and defile poor old Red with your manwhoreness? Not cool, Jordan Catalano. Not. Cool.

Pictured: Not cool.

Okay, so reading the above points might point to the fact that the Krakow lovers are right, but let's look at it this way -- you're a teenage boy. It's actually quite refreshing to see a teenage boy doing dumb teenage boy stuff. Sometimes I feel like teen show writers have never actually met a seventeen-year-old male in their lives, but you? You're terrible at expressing yourself. You're self-involved. You didn't go to the Dawson Leery school of Vocabulary No Teenage Boy Should Ever Know. Plus, have you met Brian Krakow? He's not exactly the catch of the year. He's exactly as socially stunted and clueless about women as you are, Jordan Catalano, only he gets to hide behind his "awkward nerd" persona all the time, like it's an excuse to be unnecessarily cruel to Delia Fisher or something.

Plus, let's look at some of the heart-throb characters of today's teen shows for a second, shall we? I've compiled a list of swoon-worthy sex gods from the noughties (and one from your era, the nineties) for the sole purpose of proving that you're really not so bad.


Noah Puckerman (Glee) -- had sex with, and subsequently knocked up, his best friend's girlfriend; proclaimed to love said best friend's girlfriend while simultaneously having sex with pretty much anything that moves; throws nerds into dumpsters; generally acts like a jerk-ass prick to everyone, all the time.


Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars) -- treated Veronica like dirt for approximately 74% of the show's run; slept with his best friend's stepmother and, later, his best friend's only long-term girlfriend; set fire to a hotel in Mexico and promptly ran away as fast as he could; started a relationship with the daughter of the witness in his murder trial in an attempt to blackmail him into not testifying.


Dylan McKay (Beverly Hills, 90210) -- was always kind-of a violent asshole to begin with; fell in love with his girlfriend's best friend while she was in France; acted like a put-out douchebag when she got mad at him for it; slept with a girl he knew his (and my) buddy Steve Sanders was interested in; invited his best friend's girlfriend to go on a trip around the world with him in an attempt to prove that they're soulmates; started a relationship with a girl simply to get close enough to her father to kill him. Like, that's not code for anything. I mean seriously kill him with a gun. Goddamn, Dylan's a tool.


So you see, Jordan Catalano, you're not so bad. Even when you do the worst kind of teen shit, you always seem to make up for it somehow. Like before, when I told you that no amount of hallway hand-holding would make up for publicly dissing Angela? Well, I lied a little. That moment was wonderful. And when you helped out poor, homeless Rickie? Sure, whether taking him to a seedy abandoned warehouse was the best idea is debatable, but it's the thought that counts, I suppose. And that scene in the final episode when you're talking to Angela's mother? Maybe it's just because my mother screwed me up so badly, but that's like the MSCL crowning moment of awesome for me. It was really important to me that she like you. I know it's a sad state of affairs when I need a fictional mother to approve of a fictional boyfriend who isn't even mine, but there you go. See, I may not be a teen, but I'm still angsty.

You really like plaid, don't you, Jordan Catalano?

The fact is, Jordan Catalano, you are the most appealing un-appealing teenager ever. Nobody can ever quite work out what you're thinking, but that in itself basically gives us all carte blanche to believe that you're thinking whatever we want you to be thinking. You may be a slow learner, but with Brian Krakow on your side, surely it won't be long 'till you fully understand that Metamorphosis can never be a true story. I think what I'm trying to say is that I love you, Jordan Catalano. More than Dylan McKay, slightly more than Logan Echolls, maybe not as much as Noah Puckerman. (Don't be offended. His 'Sweet Caroline' number was ever so slightly more panty-dropping than your 'I Wanna Be Sedated', and that song about your car was forever ruined when you banged Rayanne Graff in the backseat.) The fact that we have found each other again after all these years is, like, serendipity or some new-agey crap. And this time, Jordan Catalano, I won't ever let you go.


Faithfully yours,

Lorelai.


A Note To Anyone Reading Who Isn't Jordan Catalano: I'll have a My So-Called Life recap up for you this week, as soon as I work out which of the nineteen fantastic episodes I want to do. Suggestions are welcome.

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part Two: Counsellor Budnick

Greetings friends, and welcome back to Camp Anawanna! Things are slightly different here than last time you visited. (And I'm not just talking about the site's brand new make-over!) You see, one of our favourite campers, the oddly Aryan-looking Jew Michael Stein, contracted a nasty case of teh chicken pox. Now I know what you're thinking -- terrible news, right? I mean, it definitely calls for a trip to the infirmary and some TLC from Nurse Julie...right? Right?! Short answer -- no. It's much worse than that. You see, his parents decided to yank Michael right out of camp and take him to Switzerland...because Switzerland has some sort of magical healing properties? Whatever the madness behind this method was, it doesn't change the fact that we have a new camper.

Yeah. Pinsky. Pinsky is exactly like Michael, if the word 'exactly' means 'completely the opposite of.' Pinsky is but a layer of mould on the yoghurt tub that is Camp Anawanna. (I'm sorry; I wasn't sure where I was going with that metaphor until the very end. I'm just as surprised as you that it ended up as 'yoghurt tub'.) Luckily, I've chosen an episode that features a distinct lack of Pinsky, because Pinsky sucks, and fuck Pinsky. You should've seen how annoyed I was upon discovering that the actor who plays Pinsky got to feature in that banned Leo DiCaprio movie, and I didn't. Again, fuck Pinsky. Even my spellchecker hates him.

Side note: my eBay-bought Camp Anawanna T-shirt arrived for me in the mail today, and I don't think I could be more excited. It's pink, which I know you think makes me a Dina, but ZZ did wear a pink shirt when the gang went to look for Sarah Madre's treasure, so the jury's still out on that one.

Since YouTube doesn't seem to have the first part of this episode, I'll have to recap it for you sans video. How can she do that without even watching it first, I hear you ask. Folks, I am just that good. Plus, I have a Camp Anawanna T-shirt now. I feel like I was there.


It's Upside-Down Weekend at Camp Anawanna, which means that, uh, well...everyone does stuff backwards, I guess. It seems that as part of Upside-Down Weekend, one lucky camper will get to become a counsellor for the next two days. Coincidentally, Budnick has been complaining extra-loud about what a truly shitty counsellor Ug is. And, uh, I have to agree with him. I mean, yes, the kids torment him like there's no tomorrow, but you know what? I don't even care. Ug is so unlikeable that I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for his plight. He's a pathetic little man who reminds me of every teacher I hated in high school. Anyway, Ug and Budnick agree to swap roles for the weekend, and to sweeten the deal a little, the kids will vote for their favourite counsellor (Ug or Budnick) at the end. Budnick reckons he has it in the bag, but Ug reminds him that if the Camp Anawanna counsellor handbook is not enforced, Dr. Khan will nail his butt to a tree. (His wording, obviously.)

Storyline B involves a classic struggle between Dina and ZZ, which is a nice departure from the usual Dina/Telly clash of ideals. Dina finds a frog in her shoe, and immediately wants to squish it. Greenie ZZ intervenes and saves the poor froggie's life. Dina calls it Wart Breath and pretty much despises it...until she hears of a plot-advancing frog race that's coming up at the end of the weekend. How convenient!





The video comes in at Budnick assuming his new role of counsellor. He even has Ug's hat and sunglasses on, which is a nice touch. He declares that with the guidebook and his natural Budnickness (or is it Budnicity?), he can't possibly go wrong. Famous last words. Flipping through the book, he discovers that he has the power to punish the other campers, which I'm sure he'll use fairly and indiscriminately. ZZ arrives with Wart Breath a jump ahead of her, and Budnick tells her that she's late for instructional swim. I notice that he doesn't punish her, but yells at Telly for daring to stand there doing nothing wrong at all. That's because Budnick loves ZZ. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. I know he gets with Dina shortly after this, but I chalk that down to bad writing. Spread it around. Budnick + ZZ = tru luv. Anyway, Budnick yells at everyone to head down to instructional swim, and Donkeylips grimly says, "I thought we were going to run amok. I'm just standing amok!"

The campers decide that the only thing to do with out-of-control Budnick (who last I checked only told them to go to instructional swim, but whatever) is to tie him to a lawn chair and play pranks. I can't wait to see what they do to him when he actually starts abusing his power. Of course Ug is the leader of the prank pack, because Ug is the new Budnick. Ug tries to order a pizza (step back there, Ashton Kutcher!), but Budnick catches them. One thing worth noting in this scene is that Pinsky wants coconut on his pizza. That's your cue to mock him relentlessly. Mock him, I say!

Budnick punishes the gang by making them fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a rather small bucket. Dina asks him why he doesn't just swim in the lake, and his response is, "Because fish fart in it!" Hehe. Budnick leaves them (unsupervised? Doesn't seem very counsellormanly to me) and the kids complain about what a dick Budnick's being. Sponge rationalises it by saying, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle says that." Because Pinsky has to make everything about him, he adds, "Budnick's a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that." Who said you were allowed to speak, Pinsky? Besides, I'd like to see you try. Telly also seems into the "pounding" idea. I hope they mean that the way I think they mean that. (With Pinsky, you can never be sure.) I would also like to point out that ZZ managed to escape punishment for some reason, despite being part of the pizza prank posse AND being late for instructional swim. Make of that what you will, but I'm about ten seconds away from singing about Budnick and ZZ sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

That night, the kids are all having pancakes for dinner. (On account of it being Upside-Down Weekend, I suppose.) Budnick complains that his pancakes are like cement. He rushes into the kitchen and finds that they have been made with cement. Well now, that's a dangerous little game. The campers go from ordering pizza to putting possibly-deadly cement in the pancakes? Talk about zero to sixty in no time. Apparently the prank posse also gave Dr. Khan the cement pancakes as well, for reasons I surely can't explain. Budnick demands the return of the real pancake mix before tomorrow morning, or he'll have them lick the fungus off the shower floor. Except, probably, for ZZ.

Later that night, Budnick is in the dining hall, doing taxes or something. Boy, this camp asks a lot of its counsellors. ZZ walks in with Wart Breath, and get this -- they have a heart-to-heart! Naww! This is totally a callback to a Season One episode where ZZ went to him for advice on a friendship feud she was having with Telly and Dina. (He may or may not have charged her for this service, but I think my point remains valid.) Budnick complains that he doesn't even have time for fun anymore, because "after this I have to help Kent Flankman get the glue out of his hair. How can anyone glue their hand to their head?" Apparently, Flankman can. (Spoiler alert -- it's not the last time he does this.) Budnick goes on to say that after that, he has to go convince Nancy Shermanoff that she's only dreaming that Freddie Krueger lives in her stomach. See, this is why I love Salute Your Shorts -- it's legitimately funny. Legitimately funny to the point where I, a grown woman, can't stop watching it, and even mail-orders a T-shirt declaring my love for it. ZZ tells Budnick that people only hate him because he keeps punishing everyone as per the book's orders, and maybe the book doesn't have all the answers.

Stupid Donkeylips interrupts their D&M by screaming about how Sponge has snapped and is squirting ketchup everywhere. Oh, and he's wearing a pink bathrobe. (Donkeylips, that is. I think it's got something to do with Upside-Down Weekend.) Shame, too, because I think ZZ and Budnick were really getting somewhere. Budnick rushes over to the boys' cabin, where Pinsky says that Sponge has gone to the dining hall to wreak his ketchupy havoc in there. Fuck you, Pinsky. Just...fuck you. Of course, when he gets there, Ug drops a bucket of pancake mix on his head. Aaaand...we're back to zero on the Prank Posse Awesomeness Scale. Ug gets points for being able to rig up that system so quickly. (He must've done it when Budnick was in the boys' cabin, getting an earful of bullshit for Pinsky.)

Back in the cabin, Ug is celebrating his victory. He tells the kids that he's been waiting years to get Budnick back, even though avid viewers will remember that he got him pretty good when he dressed up as Zeke the Plumber and tried to remove Budnick's head. Anyway, while this is going on, ZZ is training Wart Breath for the race. The winner gets to escape Camp Anawanna for a night on the town, and when Dina overhears this, she claims that Wart Breath is rightfully hers. ZZ reminds her that she was going to squish poor Wart Breath, and besides, she trained him to be the little froggy Usain Bolt he is today. Telly yells for Ug to settle the debate (Telly does a lot of yelling, in case you haven't noticed), but he reminds her that he's just a regular camper now and they ought to go see the Grand High Budnick. Pinsky convinces him to give them a solution as an impartial camper, so that's just what Ug does.

Ug draws a chalk circle on the floor of the cabin. Segue: I love how characters in TV shows just happen to have the exact things they need on them exactly when they need it. Like me, for instance? I don't have chalk on me at all times. I would really struggle to find a piece of chalk on the off-chance that someone wants me to settle a frog ownership debate for them, but Ug? Ug has chalk. He just...has chalk. Anyway, Ug puts Wart Breath in the centre of the circle to see who he jumps to...and he jumps to Donkeylips. As soon as Wart Breath realises that he's jumped into the arms of the one camper who could probably eat him raw, he hops towards the door, and into the arms of Budnick, who's still covered in pancake mix. Then we get this:

Budnick (menacingly): Who do you think you're dealing with?
Donkeylips: Casper the friendly ghost?

Uncool, Donkeylips. You were supposed to be his friend. Budnick responds that he's the "counsellor of doom." Boy howdy, that's one pissed-off ranga.





By the next morning, Budnick has everyone scrubbing the cabin floor, even ZZ this time. Telly and Donkeylips yell at Budnick (again with Telly yelling!) for the lack of amok they were supposed to be running, and Budnick explains that he'd be a bad counsellor if he let them do whatever they wanted, and they're really not giving him a chance. Honestly? I totally agree with him. He really didn't do anything to warrant the first round of pranking, and all the punishments he doled out where in response to that. The kids (and Ug) started it, really, whereas Ug the counsellor always seemed to be a prick who was just asking for it.

ZZ and Dina start arguing about the frog thing again, and Pinsky tells Budnick to take care of it. Ug brags that if he couldn't fix it, there's no way Budnick can. Budnick tells them that if he can solve the problem, the kids have to start obeying him, and they all agree. Dina assures him that the counsellor handbook he's frantically flicking through will tell him that she has legal claim to Wart Breath, but ZZ says solemnly, "I don't think the answer's in there, Budnick." Which of course is a callback to their D&M before, when she told him that the handbook won't solve all of his problems for him. Yeah, that's right, Salute Your Shorts is deep. Don't fight it.

Budnick draws another circle with a piece of chalk he too just magically happens to have on him. Is this just something they do, or is it Camp Anawanna lore to always have a piece of chalk on your person at all times in case you need to spontaneously draw circles on the floor? Pinsky decides to be a smart-arse and say, "Oh, joy. The brilliant circle test. This one's a gem." STFU, Pinsky, we all hate you. Budnick tells the girls to each grab two of Wart Breath's legs and start pulling them, and whoever wins the froggie tug of war gets to keep Wart Breath. Naturally, ZZ lets go immediately and Dina wins. As she's celebrating her victory, King Solomon over there tells her that she lost. Since ZZ couldn't stand to see "the little croaker" have his froggy guts spilled all over the chalked floor, she is the rightful owner. Aww, Budnick, I knew you'd come through for her in the end. That heart-to-heart really meant something to him, I can tell.

The kids are so impressed with the exercise, they decide to take whatever punishment Budnick dishes out for them. He tells them that all they have to do is go to the froggie race and watch ZZ win. They all skip off excitedly, except ZZ, who asks Budnick if that answer was really in the handbook. Of course it wasn't; the handbook advised him to give the frog to Dina. But since he loves her and knew that she was a better mother to Wart Breath, he totally rigged the competition in her favour. That may or may not have been his phrasing. He declares that he's done with the handbook and throws it over his shoulder...which of course hits Ug smack-bang on the head and knocks him out. Heh. Ug always gets the shortstick, and I love it.

At the froggie race, Budnick and Ug have a talk. I guess Ug's over all the handbook concussion. Ug reminds him that he didn't go by the handbook, and Budnick tells him that he's done being a counsellor. They call the bet a draw, even though Budnick is clearly a much better counsellor than Ug. Ug got lucky on this one. Naturally, ZZ and Wart Breath win the froggie race, and Budnick (back to his usual camper self) cleans up on his betting ring. Because Budnick's also a bookie, I guess. Ug declares his first act as counsellor be to confiscate Budnick's winnings for ordering pizza on his account, and Budnick gives him his second act -- to "take care of Flankman," who seems to have glued his hand to his head again. Methinks your third act as counsellor, Ug, should be to fucking confiscate Flankman's glue. Why somebody hasn't done this already is a testament to the fact that Budnick probably was the best counsellor they ever had.


And thus ends this fabulous Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama. If anyone from Switzerland is reading this, please return Michael immediately. We'll send you a Pinsky for your troubles, we promise!

Recap: Another Round The Twist -- Toy Love

I was actually planning on recapping an episode of Barney the Dinosaur today, but YouTube seems to have, uh, lost it somehow. I don't get how, all I know is that I was watching the first part not long ago, and now it seems to have disappeared. I guess copyright laws strike again. Fuck you, justice system.

New readers, I suggest you catch up by glancing at any other Round the Twist material on this site. (Trust me, there's plenty.) Old readers, please remember that I used to ship Linda and James Gribble Jr. something fierce. Remember that? Do you? Huh? Well, this episode I'm recapping for you today is the episode where THEY GET TOGETHER. Well, kinda. There's a whole supernatural element to it, but they're totally in LUV.

(And by the way, this is the first episode I'm recapping with the new cast in it. Remember all those familiar faces from my previous screencaps? Forget them. They're dead to you now. This gang is way cooler, anyway.)


This episode begins with Bronson picking his nose. He's very into that at the moment, despite the fact that he's like ten years old, and do ten-year-olds still do that? Fay comes downstairs with a box of junk, and declares that they're going to have a big clean-out. Linda appears and reminds us that she's in love with total nerd-burger Anthony.

Backstory time: in previous episodes, Linda found a book called the Viking Book of Love. Every time someone reads a poem from the book out loud, the person they're reading to (or looking at) falls madly in love with them. Anthony read the book to Linda in the hopes of winning her favour last, and it worked a treat.

The kids go out to the front of the lighthouse to see what Fay's thrown out. A couple of Linda's old childhood dolls are sitting on top of the pile, including a Michael Jackson doll. You had better believe that Michael Jackson jokes ensue. (Example: Fay asks what happened to the doll's nose and chin, and Linda replies, "Fell off.") Tony picks up the other doll, a dirty-faced porcelain girl with a pull-string at the back, and reminisces about how annoying her "cuddle me" shriek was. Linda makes a throwaway comment about how she used to turn on her music box to make Veronique go to sleep. But alas, Veronique remains on top of the pile while Linda rescues her Michael doll. This is doll favouritism, folks, and as we'll soon discover, unloved dolls are much like unloved children -- they go batshit nuts. (That wasn't an intentional Michael Jackson joke, but I can see why you'd think that.)

Seriously. No jokes about this.

At school the next day, Gribbs is showing the Viking Book of Love to Tiger and Rabbit. I can't remember how he got the book, but you just know he's going to use it for shenanigans. Rabbit backs away and reminds us of a previous episode when he read a poem to Nell, and she fell in love with him. Tiger's response:

"It was such a beautiful thing -- you're 14, she's 110. She was so hot for
you, and still you wouldn't let her go the French kiss."

Above: proof that Tom Budge was the best Tiger in the history of the show. Rabbit tells Gribbs to be careful, and Gribbs tells him that he's not dumb enough to read one of the poems. I think he means again, because if memory serves, he read it into a mirror and fell in love with himself at one point. Anyway, he spies Linda and decides to make her his patsy. Dirrty! Gribbs, I would've been your patsy anyday.

In class, Mr. Snapper is rambling on about Shakespeare, and Gribbs speaks up and says that he uses way too many words. On account of him being a writer and everything. He tells Snapper that he's really into the Viking Book of Love right now (the identity of which is concealed using wrapping paper) and asks if Linda could read a poem or two out to the class. Of course she does, glaring at Gribbs the whole time, and Gribbs falls in love. Gribbs and Linda. In love! Twelve-year-old Lorelai nearly fell off her seat when she first saw this. Anyway, Snapper confiscates the book, and Gribbs tells her, "Let's not worry about possessions, now that we've found each other."

Back at the lighthouse, Fay and Linda are getting rid of more junk, when who should appear at the door but Gribbs! Linda tells him to get lost, and he thinks it's great that she's not into hoarding. Then he grabs a fake spider off the junk pile and nicks off. Dang, Gribbs, you hot thing. Linda will come around. You know she will.

We have a little music montage where all the Twists bring their junk back into the house. It seems they really are into hoarding after all, Gribbs. They eventually take everything in...except Veronique the unloved doll! She utters a creepy, "Cuddle me," just to let us know that bitch means business.

In the garage, Bronson is fixing a paper plane with the aid of super glue. On his finger. Which he then inserts into his nose in search of booger gold. Like you didn't know that was coming.

That night, Linda is fast asleep in bed next to her creepy Michael doll. Honestly, why are all of Linda's dolls so weird? The weirdest doll I ever had as a child was Shred, a handsome Ken figurine who became disfigured in a freak lawnmower accident. (Number two on my list of Ways Dad Wrecked My Childhood, just behind the incident where he taped over The Little Mermaid with a stupid soccer game.) Anyway, Linda's busy sharing her bed with Michael Jackson, and I'm busy not making jokes about this, when suddenly she hears, "Cuddle me!" Veronique is back, motherfuckers! Linda screams and screams, and when her family finally get their arses into her room, the doll is nowhere to be seen.

The next morning, Bronson comes downstairs with the neck of his jumper sitting just under his eyes, as though he's trying to conceal his nose area. Strange. Oh yeah, his finger's still jammed up there. Jesus, Bronson, see a doctor or something. Fay interrogates the family as to why they brought in all their "unwanted" crap, and when there's a knock at the door, they all jump up to get it. Holy day, it's Gribbs, ready to walk Linda to the bus stop! He's so thoughtful and gorgeous, in a fourteen-year-old kind of way. Linda obliges, because she's totally falling in love with him too.

You can see it in her eyes.

The whole gang is waiting for the bus at the bus stop, and when Linda pulls out her homework to give to Fiona, she finds Veronique in her backpack! Veronique the insane doll! Infiltrating backpacks! Bitch is one pathological toy. This is nightmare-inducing. This is probably how Sid felt in Toy Story when Woody did that spinning head thing and told him to play nice. Not so funny now, is it, kids? This shit happens to nice people, too, apparently, so you'd better start reminding your My Little Ponies how much you love them before they organise a stampede on your arses.

"We'll fuck your shit up."

Tiger and Rabbit give Linda shit for bringing her doll to school, and play a little bit of keepings-off. Gribbs spoils their fun and gives Veronique back to Linda, telling her that she doesn't need to be ashamed of her dolly. Linda maintains that she's not, but just in case, she runs over to the dumpster and throws Veronique in, yelling, "Leave me alone!" The bullies follow her, and Tiger and Rabbit laugh about how Linda's talking to her dolly. Linda runs off, Gribbs hot on her heels, and Tiger and Rabbit decide to fish around in the dumpster for Veronique. But if you think Veronique can't hold her own against two fourteen-year-old bullies, you're dead wrong -- she latches onto Rabbit's face like a crazed cat or something. It's...well, it's kind-of awesome, actually.

See? Awesome.

At home, Tony and Pete are making apple crumble in an attempt to coax Bronson out of his room. It works, and they realise that super glue + nose-picking = not a fun situation. At least Pete gets to do his David Attenborough impression by chronicalling the daily life of the "elephant man."

Linda goes up to her room and finds her Michael doll missing. She is apparently unhappy with this turn of events, if her screaming, "WHERE'S MY MICHAEL DOLL?!!!" is anything to go by. There is a knock on the door, and Linda, thinking it's Veronique, opens it and yells out, "I will not cuddle you!" Of course, it's Gribbs, complete with flowers and chocolate. (As if you couldn't get more appealing, Gribbsy Boy!) Gribbs is disheartened, but maintains that the two of them can work their way up to cuddling. Funny, too. Surely you can't blame adolescent Lorelai for being head-over-heels in love with this dude.

I still am a little bit.

Veronique takes this opportunity to rush in while the door's open. Crafty little doll. Linda's gone full-on crazy now, and this exchange happens:

Linda: Are you sure you didn't bring her back from the recycling bin?
Tony: Fay?
Gribbs: Is Fay getting recycled?
Linda: I bet she's upstairs.
Gribbs: When did she go upstairs?
Tony: I didn't even hear her come home.

Obviously that poses a serious question -- is a porcelain doll really recyclable? Anyway, Linda rushes upstairs, kicks down her own bedroom door for what I must assume is dramatic effect, and finds the place trashed. Gribbs wonders why Fay would trash Linda's room, and Linda tells him that it wasn't Fay, it was Veronique. Gribbs's rather intelligent respose: "That's a pretty small doll to do all this. Maybe if it was a big doll..." Well, it was intelligent for Gribbs. Linda gets the idea to lure Veronique out of hiding...with the music box she so casually mentioned at the start of the episode.

(By the way, I recognise that music box as a Fun N' Fashion one. I had so many of them because my uncle used to be one of the bigwigs at that particular company. I was even featured on the back of one of their packages, the ever popular Make-A-Fashion-Accessory. It's how I can put 'former child model' on my resume and not be lying.)

Downstairs, Pete and Tony are trying to get Bronson's finger out of his nose. It seems my suggestion of TAKING HIM TO A FUCKING DOCTOR has gone largely unnoticed. Instead they're using that whole 'tie a piece of string to the doorknob thing' that kids use in movies and Babysitters Club books to get their loose teeth out. It does not work. Linda and Gribbs come downstairs, and Linda pushes him out the door, muttering something about how great it was walking down the stairs with him. She totally doesn't mean it...yet. Gribbs feels that they're really connecting.

Linda goes up to her room with a hockey stick to finish off Crazy!Doll for good. And boy, is that doll crazy. It's now wearing a completely different expression, which is nigh on impossible for a doll with a painted-on face to do, and her eyes are glowing red. Yeah, red. This doll has managed to be infinitely scarier than all the supposedly badass vampires in Twilight, and it's only been twenty minutes. (In case you're interested, I totally just typo'd that as 'campires'. Best. Typo. Ever.) Linda menacingly tells Veronique to "cuddle my stick, dolly!" which definitely deserves a Dirrty!, don't you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to sleep tonight?

Back at the meeting of the Rhodes Scholars, Tony and Pete finally manage to pull Bronson's finger out of his nose with the aid of olive oil.

As Linda's facing off with Veronique, Bronson walks in with the Michael doll. He claims that he was just trying to fix Michaels' soundbox, but I don't know if I'm going to believe him. Cue the heartfelt music as Michael walks (yes, walks) over to Veronique as she begs him to cuddle her. Because that's what this whole thing's been about -- the love between two inanimate obects, not revenge of one inanimate obects over her former human companion. (Suck it, Chuckie!) All Veronique was looking for was to be Michael's Billie Jean! Naww!

Still not making any jokes about this.

And that's the end of this most historic RTT episode. The next one on the DVD is the conclusion of the Gribbs/Linda (Glinda) love affair, which I'm going to have to watch but won't recap for you...well, not today, anyway.

Ship To Shore -- Tour De Circe

Okay, I fucking LOVED this show. Didn't you? Of course you did; I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask. You loved it because A) you were a city kid with lame parents who wished that you could spend all your time riding bikes with your mates or B) you did go around doing just that and found the Circe Island kids to be way relatable. Either way, there's no way you can tell me that when you hear that music your heart doesn't do a backflip. (That was a weird double negative I can't be bothered editing.)

Quick story: at uni not long ago, I was in a lecture listening to Dr. Looks-Like-Al-Pacino ramble on and on about nothing of interest when suddenly someone's phone rang...and their ringtone was the Ship To Shore theme song. I've never heard more excited whipsers in my life. You could actually see the nostalgia in the room, and for those of you interested, it's yellow. So there you go. Debate settled.

Today's episode is from season two, so it's going to be a good one. I don't know why, but I just assume season two is the best season of most TV shows. They've ironed out the kinks, I've made an emotional connection to the characters, the cast seems to mesh a little better, and it hasn't gotten old yet. And you know what? In most cases, I'm right. I could go ahead knock out a list of TV shows where the second season is the best one (Prison Break, Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Weeds), but that'd take way too much time, and I really want to get on with snarking Ship To Shore.

(Oh, and this recap might not be quite as detailed as the last two, because I'm really tired. Like, zombie tired. After entirely too much vino, I spent last night trying to get to sleep on my friends' floor, freezing cold, with nothing to cover me but my own leather jacket. On the plus side, I've never felt more rock 'n' roll.)



We kick off the episode with two people diving. (I've looked ahead, and it's geeky Gavin and moral Julie.) Gavin's looking at some seals, and Julie gets really mad at this for some reason. I don't know why. Isn't the whole point of going diving to check out the creatures of the deep? I've never been diving, but I don't know what else they'd be down there for. Anyway, they get out of the water and she storms off. Yeah, I don't know. Why was there always an annoying holier-than-thou girl kid in these shows? They might as well have just named he Linda Twist. (Or Ma-Ti).

Hermes Endakis, the island's security chief and all-round baddie of the piece, is in town putting up a flyer for the Tour de Circe. I'm going completely off-topic here, but when I was growing up I always thought it was spelled 'Andarkis', because I was one of those kids who wondered how things were spelled. Anyway, the townspeople are like "What the fuck's up, Endakis with an E?" and he explains that the Dafoe (Defaux? Defeau? I'm going with Willem's spelling 'cause he's awesome) company are sponsoring a bike race around the island. Get it now? Tour de Circe? Kinda like that other bike race in a different country of a similar name? Okay, I think we're all clued in now. The Circe Islanders are all up in arms about this, again for some reason I don't understand. They're just riding some bikes. Their fucking kids do it all the time.

Hermes lets everyone know that Derek (the dopey security guard dude) is going to be their very own pride and joy in the race, and they immediately start training. I remember not liking him very much, so it makes me feel happy to see him in anguish. Because I'm sadistic like that.
Back at the beach, Gavin is hanging out by himself when Jake comes by. I remember absolutely zero about Jake, but for those of you playing at home, he was the nomadic blonde-haired guy who lived on the beach. Remember? Yeah, no bells ringing for me, either. Anyway, he's so boring and pointless that I don't want to snark him anymore. Basically Gavin comes back a couple of times and discovers that Jake used to be in the navy and has a police radio listener-into. (What are those things called? Police band radios? Something like that. I like my non-word better.)

In town, Gavin, Julie and the girl with the round glasses whose name I don't recall are outraged about the bike race. Again, I must ask why. They're fucking BICYCLES! Not cars or motorbikes or anything noisy or pollute-y. Apparently Julie thinks it'll be dangerous to the wildlife, because if the wallabies wander onto the track the riders won't be able to stop in time. Fair point, Julie, but the race is taking place on the road where people drive in their big wallaby-squashing cars all the time! As far as legs go, you and your do-gooder pals don't have one to stand on.

Kelvin (remember him? The redheaded older kid? He was fun) sees this as a money-making scheme. He was always about the money. He and his friend, the unfortunately-named Babe, come up with a scheme to use Hermes's two-way radios to commentate on the bike race for the people on the mainland. For pay, of couse. Or something like that. You know, I remember absolutely nothing about this episode except for Kelvin and his two-way radios. He sells his idea to Dafoe, and now all he has to do is convince Hermes to lend him the two-way radios. Even though I'd say if ever Hermes was actually needed on this island (and usually he's not), this big bike race would probably be his time to shine, security-wise. Moving on now.

Oh, and in case you're wondering which kid hook-up I was hoping for in this TV series, it was Kelvin and Julie. Lord knows why. Now that I'm looking back, clearly he and Babe were a match made in heaven. They're so schemy and maniacal. That, and Julie's a righteous bitch who deserves a life of unhappy spinsterdom followed by a painful death. (See what I mean about the sadism?)

Kelvin's nerdy little sister (Sally? I'm gonna call her Sally) and her nerdy little friend Lou are trying to make some sort of super pet food for hamsters for school. When I was seven, they just made us learn our times tables, but whatever. Oh, and they're doing it in the storage locker of the security base, because the whole thing smells terrible and Sally's mother doesn't want the stench permeating her house. But she's perfectly happy to have it permeate her workplace? 'Kay then.

Julie and Gavin have drawn up a petition, trying to get people to be stupid like them and protest the Tour de Circe. LAME. Half the town are on their side (mostly the adults), and the others, led by Kelvin, heckle Julie. Which I love. Seriously, is Kelvin not the most awesome 90s TV ranga? Actually, both of the last two shows I've recapped have featured awesome rangas (who were the male in the fake relationship in my mind), so that's actually a tough competition to win. Who knew?

Hermes gets drunk with power, as always, and challenges the kids to a bike race. Wait, isn't this whole episode about a -- you know what? It doesn't matter. Just go on with the ridiculousness. Hermes says that if one of the kids (the kid he chooses) can beat Derek in a preliminary bike race, he'll call the whole thing off and they get to save the wallabies or whatever the fuck they're protesting about. Hermes, grow a freakin' brain. For what possible reason would you do that? You already have the permission and the funds to host the bloody bike race, why do you feel the need to gamble it on a bunch of kids? WHY? Start making sense, man!

The kids, who are NOT complete fucktards and DO understand that they have absolutely NOTHING to lose, agree to this. Hermes reminds them that he gets to choose which kid rides. He's like, "I'll take Fatty Fat Fat!" and Gavin is crushed, because he's not much for riding. Huh, that's new. Apparently he doesn't even have a bike and has to borrow one from Jake. Okay, was I just imagining all the bike-riding they used to do? Really?

The town mayor (who I do remember as being on Hermes's side most of the time), gets all mad at Hermes for this, because apparently he has a shred of common sense. And also because Derek has just contracted acute appendicitis. I love the way acute appendicitis always comes up at the worst possible moments in TV shows. It's like, "Well, we need a pretty serious ailment, but we don't want our character to be, like, diseased for the rest of their life. I know! Let's take out the ol' appendix!" Bravo, writers, bravo. Your creativity stuns me.

Kelvin comes up to Hermes and tries to ask him if he can borrow his two-way radio, but Hermes is all broody because he gambled the big race on a smaller race with an overweight pre-teen and now he has no cyclist. Kelvin tells him he has the only solution and gets Hermes into some lycra. Now there are two things wrong with this plan that I can see. Number one, why doesn't Kelvin just do it? Obviously he's a more experienced cyclist than Hermes, and younger too. And number two, I DON'T WANT TO SEE HERMES ENDAKIS WEARING LYCRA! EVER! OH GOD, MY EYES!!



Hermes and Kelvin start their training, but Hermes is pretty bad. Gavin is also training, and he's also pretty bad. Gee. Oh, and Julie and the glasses chick are following him around. How come Julie's allowed to ride her bike around the wallaby-infested town but the out-of-towners aren't? Please die. Seriously, Julie, I want you to be dead now.

While looking for Hermes, Kelvin comes across Sally and Lou in the storage department doing their disgusting pet food experiment. He gets a Great Idea. (Deliberate capitals.) He and Babe use a little reverse psychology to get Hermes to drink the mushy green pet food goo. Ew. And neat. Oh, and Kelvin and Babe have their own secret handshake! That's just an overload of awesome! These two would have such wonderful, scheming little half-black half-ranga children. Seriously. That's a spin-off I'd like to see.

Anyway, this pet food smoothie thing is apparently the spinach to Hermes's Popeye. He automatically becomes a better cyclist! I guess that's an A-plus for Sally and Lou. I do like that neither Kelvin nor Babe are under the impression that this pet food is actually having any physical effect on Hermes whatsoever, though. They get that the transformation's all psychological. That's a nice touch.

Oh, Jake is back. He tells Gavin to get his lawyer mother to dig a little deeper into this Dafoe corporation. That's all the information he offers. Jake, I think there's a reason I don't remember you. Thanks for being a pointless do-nothing lame-o who spends his time chillin' in his beach shack with ten-year-old boys.

Let's just skip to race day before I go back in time and kill Jake with my bare hands. I mean the little Gavin/Hermes race, not the actual Tour de Circe, just to clear things up for you. Gavin rides up to the crease, and as usual, only half the town is on his side. There are boos and cheers and some muffled trash talk. At one point, Kelvin very clearly screams out, "GAVIN YOU LOSER!" and I can't stop laughing. Kelvin, you legend, you. Babe's one lucky gal. ('Cept that her name's Babe.)

Hermes rides up, all super confident that he's going to win the race. He even has a water bottle filled with the pet food! That is awful. Anyway, they race and Hermes wins. Yep, that's it. Oh, and you know why he won, don't you? Because Gavin had to brake suddenly when a wallaby ran straight into his path! BURNED! Irony stings, motherfucker!



Kelvin and Babe are hugging Hermes, which is an inappropriate situation made even less appropriate by the fact that Hermes is wearing awfully tight lycra. Naww, how sad, Gavin and Julie lose. Losers! I'm chock full of sympathy for these little bastards, in case you can't tell.

Later on, the kids are all hanging out at that general store one of their mothers owns. (I'm extremely sketchy on the details with this show, aren't I?) Of course, Kelvin and Babe aren't actually hanging out with Gavin and Julie. They're sitting on opposite ends of the room, because Gavin and Julie have cooties and they know it. Anyway, Gavin's lawyer mother comes in and tells the kids that the race has been cancelled. Kelvin's like, "Whaaa?" and Lawyer Mum explains that she took Jake's advice and dug into the Dafoe payroll, and found out that the senator's nephew works for them. Which is a conflict of interest, apparently, and it's illegal for senators to back their nephews' companies' bike races. Or something. I did Legal Studies all the way up to year twelve, but we never really focused on bike race legalities, so I'm going to have to trust Lawyer Mum on this one. Since she spawned Gavin, I'm not sure I really want to do that. Besides, this is getting a little too Utegate for me. Anyway, Julie, Gavin and the glasses chick are all mighty happy. Kelvin? Not so much.

Back at the security base, Hermes is still downing the pet food. Dude, you can stop now. Kelvin tries to get him to stop, but Hermes is too busy going on about how good victory feels. He actually says, "Today, the bike race -- tomorrow, the Tour de Circe!" Hee! Not if you get accute appendicitis, Endakis. Just as he's taking a swig of the pet food, Sally and Lou come back and scream at Hermes that he shouldn't be drinking it -- it's made up of seaweed, spinach and snails! And puppy dogs' tails! (Just kidding about that last one.) Hermes spits it out and the kids laugh. Very amusing, children. I'm just glad Julie and Gavin weren't around to witness that moment; they'd have a freaking field day.

Oh, and check out the end credits -- that's Peter Jackson, of Lord of the Rings fame, producing. What. A. Show.

That's it for today, peeps. Next time, I brave the noughties for the sake of Lizzie Maguire. Wish me luck!

Captain Planet: Mind Pollution

Episode recap here! Yay! I'm timely like that. Actually, I'm just really eager today because I discovered that someone actually read my Round The Twist recap. I know, I'm shocked too. I just assumed this blog would go completely ignored, so it was kind-of a nice surprise. Also, I'm in a really good mood because I just finished a scrumptious schnitzel sandwich...and my schnitzel was shaped like the state of Massachusetts. (Boston is my favourite place in the world. I don't know why, but it might have something to do with the Dropkick Murphys. And The Departed. Go figure.)

This particular episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is not about pollution. (Gasp shock horror and et cetera.) It's about drugs. Drugs, in case you're wondering, are bad, and they piss Captain Planet and his Planeteers off something fierce. This episode is available to watch on YouTube, or you could just watch them here. See how I've embedded them into this post for your convenience? I'm thoughtful that way.






Whoever posted this video did NOT include the awesome-upon-awesome theme song, but since they bothered to upload my daily dose of nineties nostalgia in the first place, I won't hold it against them. Besides, who doesn't remember it? "Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" And so on and so forth. Also, did you know that the Planeteer rappy bit ("We're the Planeteers, you can be one too," etc.) in the New Adventures series was written by one of the B-52s? That is wicked. Just plain wicked. Without the intro, I can't tell if it's the original series or New Adventures. I could probably look it up somewhere, but I'm not going to, so don't hold your breath.

The episode begins at the White House. Has Captain Planet been elected president? Looks like not. A blonde-haired kid is running through the streets of Washington, and he looks a bit like Wheeler. Ever notice that all the white guys in this cartoon look like Wheeler? I think the reason Ted Turner decided to make the Planeteers racially diverse is so we can tell them apart. Anyway, Verminous Skumm (remember him?) approaches the blonde kid and, um, sells him drugs. That's really the only way to put it. He sells the blonde haired kid some sort of pill, and the blonde kid gets high. Um, yeah. Then for some reason, the kid almost gets hit by a bus, falls over, hits his head, and starts laughing. Dude's high as a kite. Wow. I do not remember Captain Planet being this heavy.

(Side note: according to Wikipedia, Captain Planet actually did an episode dealing with HIV/AIDS, which I guess is forward-thinking but seems a little inappropriate. Kids don't know what AIDS is. They don't particularly care, either. When I was growing up, they mentioned AIDS in passing in an I Hate Fridays book, and for years I thought it was just a regular illness on par with strepthroat or chicken pox.)

At Planeteer HQ (which, inexplicably, is a paradise island of some sort), the gang is checking out their jet to make sure everything's working. Linka has a checklist, because she's in charge. Linka was totally my favourite growing up. Back then, I didn't know what a communist was, or that she was one. Simpler times, my friends, simpler times. Linka tells Wheeler to make sure that the bolts underneath the jet won't loosen up upon take-off, and he says, "I know someone who could use a little loosening up." Dirrty! I know what he means, but it still calls for a Dirrty!! Another random fact -- I always wanted Linka and Wheeler to hook up, or as we called it back then, like like each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend. Because even at a young age, I couldn't watch a show without wanting two of the characters to get together. I skipped that boys-are-icky phase in a big way, in case you can't tell.

Apparently, the Planeteers are taking a vacation. Weren't they just on an island? Anyway, Linka's excited about visiting her uncle in the Soviet Union. Hee! This must be from the first Captain Planet series, then, because in the New Adventures they changed her origin to the rather vague 'Eastern Europe.' In case the name 'Russia' didn't stick, I suppose.

Linka tells us her cousin Boris is charming, which is a bit of a weird way to describe one's cousin, but okay. They drop Linka off in the Soviet Union (what a short plane ride) and she rushes straight to her uncle Dimitri's house. He answers the door in a bathrobe and hugs Linka for an uncomfortably long time. So that's how it is in their family. Dimitri calls charming Boris downstairs -- and he's in a robe too! The only thing I can think is that it must be really early in the morning. But ruh-roh, it seems that Boris is not his usual charming self. He's all tired and dishevelled, which means what, children. Boris is on THE DRUGS. At first sight, I actually thought Boris was the blonde kid from the start, but I seem to recall a high-school geography lesson where I learned that Washington is not in the Soviet Union.

Sure enough, Boris goes upstairs and takes the same generic-looking drug the blonde kid took. It's kind of sparkly, and it makes that cartoon noise all shimmery things make, sort of a swooshing noise. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, but making drugs out to be sparkly and special? Doesn't sell 'wrong' to me. Sparkly usually equals cool and must-have. In my Captain Planet-watching days, I was obsessed with anything sparkly. I'm wearing a sparkly T-shirt right now. Anyway.

Dimitri tells Linka that Boris has been acting strange recently, and begs her to try and get to the bottom of it. That's some good parenting right there. Boris enters in a radical skull T-shirt and sunglasses, because only druggies wear skull T-shirts and sunglasses! Linka notices that he has a cut on his head. Oh snap, Boris is the blonde kid from the start of the episode! He got that cut by smacking his head on the pavement! He doesn't tell Linda this, though, or offers me an explanation as to why he was in Washington at the start of the episode. Linka tries to put some alcohol on his cut, and Boris knocks the bottle onto the stove, causing it to explode and engulf the kitchen in flames. See kids, this is why you don't take THE DRUGS. Linka manages to put out the fire using her wind ring and some baking soda. Right. You know, Linka's time would be better spent working as a firefighter. She might actually do some good, instead of traipsing around the world on her neverending attempt to stop global warming or whatev. Plus, we now know she'd kick Wheeler's arse in a fight.

Linka and Boris are riding bikes to the Russian cafe. Wait, aren't we...isn't this...you know what? I think I've missed something. Perhaps they're not in the Soviet Union after all. Let me just go back and check...yep, okay, they're in Washington. Linka said before that she's going to visit her uncle at the Soviet Embassy in Washington. My bad. I just heard 'Soviet' and then let my mind wander. I do that sometimes. Sorry.

Amway, they're riding their bikes to the Russian cafe, and Boris keeps stopping to catch his breath. Another reason why THE DRUGS are bad, y'all -- no more bike-riding. Oh, and the skull on Boris's T-shirt is wearing a party hat, which doesn't scream 'badass' to me. Maybe it's supposed to be ironic, I don't know. Boris is all like, "How the hell did you manage to put out that fire with your ring?" and she gives him a really vague explanation of the whole protecting-the-earth business. Boris says that if she lets him try it sometime he'll give her one of his pills. She's like, "Hells no, not on my watch!" and tries to take the bag of pills from him. They struggle and the bag breaks, spilling the pills down the drain. Hee, they're making that shimmery noise again! Maybe they're magic pills!

Boris calls Linka a stupid cow, and I laugh. That's kind-of harsh for a cartoon. Anyway, Boris rides away and meets up with Verminous Skumm again, saying he needs more bliss. Wow, it even sounds pretty. Worst anti-drugs campaign ever. Skumm tells him that the price has increased. Since Boris doesn't have enough money, he offers to give Skumm Linka's magic ring in exchange for THE DRUGS. What a dumb idea -- if he's going to go home to steal Linka's ring, why doesn't he just walk into his father's bedroom and steal some money? Thievery's thievery, you know? Anyway, Skumm works out that he's talking about Linka, and tells Boris that if he brings Linka, Scumm will give him all the bliss he could ever need. Boris tells him to fuck off. Yeah, go Boris!

Linka returns to her uncle's house, but he's gone to the embassy. Linka turns on the TV in time to see a news report about a group of vandals who were apparently high on bliss trashing some building or other. How they could possibly know what drug they were on when no one's been caught yet is baffling, but okay. Boris walks through the door, and Linka says, "Oh Boris, I was afraid you were in that blissed-out mob!" Direct quote. I'm so calling them that from now on. Boris gives her some lie about how he knows THE DRUGS are bad now, and Linka believes him...despite the fact that he's holding a shitload of bliss behind his back. And you can imagine how much shimmery noise it's making. Boris, you suck. I can't believe you would sell your cousin to a drug-dealing half-man half-rat. That's just not done in polite society. He gives Linka something to eat, and it's so obvious that he's roofied it that I'm about to scream.

Back on Planeteer Island, the remaining four Planeteers have returned from their boring, non drug-related vacations. Apparently there was some mix-up and none of them picked up Linka. What great friends. They get worried because nobody's heard from her, and suddenly Gaia the Earth Mother appears and takes them to her Crystal Chamber...which, if you'll recall, is a cave with a control panel type thing that a giant screen in the centre. She shows the gang all the destruction that the blissed-out mob (that will never stop sounding ridiculous) has been doing in Washington, and this exchange made me laugh so hard, I had to quote it for you outright:

Wheeler: Babe, what went down in that neighbourhood?
Gaia: What went down is
people's self-respect.

Yes, thank you, Wheeler, for reminding us that you're the complete embodiment of an American pig. And thank you, Gaia, for reminding us that you're a preachy, judgemental bitch. Apparently this drug thing is the Planeteers's problem, because it's "pollution of the mind." Nice. The Planeteers see vision of Verminous Skumm pushing THE DRUGS and taking everyone's money. Oh, and they also hear his plan, which is to start selling bliss to everyone all over the world, thereby getting rich and ensuring he is the only one around thinking straight. Firstly, who is filming this? And if Gaia can see everything, why didn't she, you know, STOP BORIS FROM SWAPPING LINKA FOR DRUGS? Just thinking out loud here. Also, what a shit plan. I could spend the whole day listing reasons why that plan's not gonna work, but for your sake, I won't.

The Planeteers arrive in Washington, flying their jet right next to the Capitol Building. I don't care if they are the Planeteers, that seems like a breach of security to me. Wheeler and Ma-Ti go to the Lincoln Memorial for some ridiculous reason. Ma-Ti's so lame. Seriously, what is the power of heart anyway? I never got that. Suddenly all four Planeteers are accosted by the blissed-out mob. Why are they attacking the Planeteers? I'm so confused. Wheeler tries to stop them by setting fire to the grass between them and the blissed-out mob. Again, I have to wonder where security is. One of the blissed-out mobsters actually says, "We do not care about injuries; just running out of bliss!" How oddly informative. Thank you, blissed-out junkie.

Verminous Skumm appears at the back of the pack, and Gi admits that they need Captain Planet's help. Skumm agrees and then ominously says that they'll never be able to summon him...and reveals Linka, blissed-out something fierce! Oh no! Wheeler instinctively tries to rush over there (because he, like, totally loves her) but the other Planeteers hold him back. But seriously, Skumm is the dumbest villain ever. Why not just kill Linka, or even steal her ring? Why risk it? WHY??

Skumm offers free bliss to the people who kill the Planeteers. Because apparently the ones who aren't hot and blonde are expendable. I see what's going on here now. He even calls Linka a "Glamourteer," and I feel a little uncomfortable. Wheeler tries to reach her (so cute!), but the blissed-out mob is coming towards them, looking very much like the extras from the 'Thriller' video. Gi uses her water power to create a tidal wave, washing the mob away. Of course, it's only a temporary solution, because it's not like the Planeteers could, I don't know, cause an earthquake or start a fire or anything useful.

Ma-Ti thinks he has an idea. Well good for you, Ma-Ti, it's about time you started pulling your weight. He gets Wheeler to distract Skumm by setting fire to the bag of bliss he's holding. Wow, good aim. Skumm responds by shouting, "But I have the bliss formula right here! I can make more in minutes!" at Wheeler, holding a notebook in the air. He wrote the formula for his mind-consuming drug in a notebook that he carries around with him? DUMB. And why doesn't Wheeler just fireball that as well? This whole problem could've been solved on seventeen different occasions already.

While he's doing this, Ma-Ti grabs Linka's arm and drags her away. That's the plan? Seriously? Ma-Ti, there's a reason no one likes you. And I seriously doubt he's strong enough to drag Linka anywhere. Linka falls over and lands in a puddle, which she finds hilarious in her blissed-up state. Ma-Ti can't get her up again, because apparently he used all his little boy strength to drag her away the first time. The rest of the Planeteers manage to outrun the mob, and Wheeler and Kwame pick Linka up and carry her away from the mob.

They rush into the Capitol Building, because we're in Washington, remember? If you forget, don't worry, they'll remind us again soon. The whole place is deserted, and Wheeler awesomely says, "Why is it that when the city is under siege by zombies, you can never find a cop?" A very good question, Wheeler, one I've been asking for half the fucking episode.

Ma-Ti activates his heart ring, which is good, because I can't for the life of me remember a time when that thing's come in handy. He says he can sense that everyone in the city has either fled or is high on bliss. Even the military? Fail, USA. Oh, and Boris is the leader of the blissed-out mob now. The other mobsters are even chanting his name. Boris, that is so slack -- you have your lifetime's supply of THE DRUGS, and you're still selling out your cousin? Mean, Boris, mean!

The Planeteers barricade themselves inside, while Linka downs another pill. She wanders over to the window to let Boris in, because zombies think alike, I guess. Wheeler gets there just in time to shut Boris out. Yay Wheeler! Linka tries to get Wheeler to take THE DRUGS, but he refuses. He gets her to look in the mirror and "see what this junk has done to you!" Linka thinks she looks beautiful. Hee! Then Boris comes crashing through the window, which sucks because we were right in the middle of Linka/Wheeler sexual tension! Fucking Boris!

Boris gets his, though, as the glass from the window cuts him and causes him to bleed profusely. And I mean profusely. Jesus, is this Captain Planet directed by Eli Roth or what? Kwame uses his earth power to knock over a bookcase and block the window to prevent any of the other zombies getting in. Because earth power works on bookcases? What? This whole episode's on THE DRUGS.

As the others escape, Gi stops to bandage Boris's arms with the emergency gauze she must carry around with her wherever she goes. Wheeler's like, "Just leave him!" but Gi feels sorry for Boris because she knows it's THE DRUGS that's been making him act all mean and traitor-y. Wheeler says, "Yeah, but nobody made him take the drug. He did that on his own." Because that's the moral of the story, after all -- if you take drugs, you're a bad person and you deserve to die in a pool of your own blood.

The gang (even blissed-out Linka and cut-up Boris) escape through a window on the roof. Which wasn't locked or anything. Why would it be? It's not like this is an important building or anything. One of the junkies smashes through a window and tries to grab Ma-Ti, and Kwame pulls him back to safety. Unfortunately, the two fall off the building. Even more unfortunately, Kwame doesn't drop Ma-Ti to his death. (That I'd like to see.) Wheeler grabs Kwame just in time, and now the three of them are hanging on to each other (and Wheeler to the ledge) for dear life. Verminous Skumm appears in his helicopter (?) and offers a lifetime's supply of bliss to whoever pushes them off the edge. Boris, who last I checked was bleeding half to death but apparently isn't anymore, agrees. Boris, you already have a lifetime's supply from the last psychotic thing you did! Keep up!

Linka tries to pop another pill, but Gi stops her. Linka decides that she'll simply blow the Planeteers off the roof with her wind power, but it doesn't work because "her mind's too polluted." Another side-effect of taking THE DRUGS, children -- your magical, element-commanding rings will no longer work.

Then Boris falls over and passes out. Linka's like, "what the fuck?" and Gi checks his pulse and announces that he's dead. Um, what? What just...what just happened here? Boris DIED?! They killed off Boris?! WHAT?! That's kind-of harsh for a kids' cartoon, even if he is a drug-addled psycho. They all decide that it was the bliss that killed him, even though I don't think the lacerations on his arms could've helped much. I suppose this wouldn't be very good anti-drug propaganda if the druggie died from glass wounds.

Linka's all broken up about how her traitor cousin is dead from drugs. Wheeler tells Linka that she has to snap out of it (nice, Wheeler, you ever hear of mourning periods?) and un-cloud her mind so they can call Captain Planet. She does so, because it's that easy to sober up after spending the entire day off your face like that. And is it just me, or wouldn't it be easier for Gaia to simply call Captain Planet directly when she has an eco-problem? All these kids seem to do is get kidnapped and destroy government buildings. But I digress.

Captain Planet flies the kids to safety, and ruins Skumm's day by burning his secret bliss formula in a giant fiery tornado thing. Fucking A, Captain Planet is all-time! He says to Skumm, "In my house, the dealer always loses!" See what I meant about the bad puns before! Captain Planet should just stick to making flaming tornados. Skumm ends up in a river for some reason, probably because people falling into bodies of water is funny for a child. Not so much for me anymore, though.

The next day, all the crazy blissed-out zombie folk are getting medical attention, even Linka. Gi solemnly says, "They've got a long, hard fight ahead of them," and Wheeler tells us that "withdrawal is the worst kind of pain." Because, um, I don't know, DRUGSAREBAD! Even if they're sparkly!

Skumm crawls out of the river, swearing revenge on Captain Planet. Then he takes out a sandwich from his pocket, which is not only completely bizarre but also pretty unsanitary. I guess he must've laced it with bliss and forgotten or something, because he's shocked that he gets all strung out. Yeah, I don't really get it either. I never realised it, but Captain Planet kind-of blows. How disappointing.

Well, that's it for Captain Planet. (This episode, anyway.) Next time -- Ship to Shore!