Degrassi TNG: Pride

(Yes, I'm back from my stay in Internet Purgatory. Let's not make a big deal about it.)

In this fantastic (in every sense of the word) episode, sexually confused Marco begins to admit that he's not like all of the other reindeer, but when his jerky buddy Spinner finds out, will he let Marco join in any of his reindeer games ever again?

Marco is dragging fake girlfriend, emo Ellie, to the beach...with all the popular kids who can't stand her. That's some real consideration for your beard there, Fake Boyfriend Marco. It should be noted that Ellie is holding an umbrella, and not the beachy kind. The rainy-day kind. Kids, if the weather is such that you feel the need to bring a rainy-day umbrella to the beach, maybe just think about going to the mall or something. Way to be a bummer, Canada.

Paige gets out of the people-mover for absolutely no other reason except to insult Ellie. I love how Paige consistently has zero consideration for anyone but herself. Ellie sits in the middle seat between Paige and Spinner, which is odd and probably quite uncomfortable, so I don't know why she'd choose to sit there. Marco sits up the front with Paige's brother, Gay Dylan, whom I thought was a total fox back in the day. Marco looks at Dylan for a long, creepy time, and somehow nobody seems to notice.

Once at the beach, Paige gives Spinner a basket full of beach towels to carry, and he refuses because he doesn't want to look like "some homo." Um, confusion. What's gay about towels? Or is it the basket? Are baskets gay? Someone? Help me, please.

Dylan overhears Spinner's slur, and Spinner tries to get out of it with the following:

Spinner: "I don't mean homo as in gay, I meant homo as in..."
Dylan: "Milk?"

Ha! Best Dylan line ever. For some reason, he thinks it's funny because he told Paige not to pack the basket. So it's the basket that's gay? Is this a thing people know? Spinner ends up carrying the basket anyway, probably so Dylan won't kick his ass over the whole homophobic milk thing.

Aw, man. The B-plot is beginning at Emma's house. This cannot be good. Spike is trying to get her giant-headed baby to sleep, but Snake comes in all sneezy. In the next thirty seconds, the poor man manages to cut his hand and sneeze his guts out some more, so his loving wife tells him to get the hell out of the house so Baby Big Head doesn't catch whatever he's got. Which -- and I'm sorry if this spoils anything for you -- is cancer. Of course it is. I know when I get the sniffles, the first thing I think is that it must be cancer. Degrassi is like one of those self-diagnosis websites that gives people the worst possible outcomes and turns them into hypochondriacs.

Those damn kids are still trekking through the wilderness to the beach. Where in the hell did they park? Dylan says that he wants to play some volleyball, because if we've learned anything from Top Gun, it's that volleyball is the most homoerotic sport there is. Ellie's lagging behind, and Marco steals a quick minute to tell her that she's bringing shit down and he wishes he hadn't invited her. Nice, Marco. Ellie responds that she's not going to be Marco's beard anymore, and he agrees that they should just be friends.

Volleyball montage! Unfortunately there are no tanned abs and glistening bodies like in Top Gun, because everyone still has all their clothes on and there's absolutely no sun to speak of. Seriously. It looks freezing cold. Degrassi, I get that Canada's a chilly country and everything, but if that's the case then you gots to stop sending the kids to the beach! It's like that episode in season four when Sean drags his friends to the beach in his hometown, and they're all wearing jackets. Nobody is fooled just because you make them play with some sand.

They couldn't get a single one of those extras into a bikini.

After the world's least sexy volleyball game, Dylan gives Marco tips on how to play volleyball. There is so much homoerotic subtext in this scene, it's not even funny. Marco stares at Dylan for a full six seconds in the least subtle way possible.

Back in the B-plot, sickly Snake has decides to go to the Jeremiah house and infect all of Joey's kids. That's thoughtful. Doesn't Joey have a kindergarten-aged daughter? Craig is pissed because he had been planning on spending the night attempting to get into Ashley's pants, which we know from future episodes would have been a fruitless endeavour anyway.

At the beach, Jimmy, Marco and Spinner are having a water-gun fight, still fully-clothed. It's like they're not even pretending that it's warm. Gay Dylan is sitting on a picnic blanket with his sister, basically pumping her for information on Marco. He tells Paige that he thinks Marco may be gay, and then Hazel comes by with the best non-sequitur of all time: "I'm freezing! Who's gay?" Ha! And thanks for finally admitting how cold it is, Hazel. You're the best.

Hazel tells Dylan that Marco couldn't possibly be gay, because she used to have a massive crush on Marco and he totally ignored her. Right. That settles it, then. The effeminate guy with no interest in women is definitely a straighty-180. The conversation ends abruptly when Dylan totally perves on a couple of male joggers. Really. He even says, "Look at them sweat!" which is not only completely creepy but also factually inaccurate, as it appears to be so cold that any perspiration would turn straight to ice in nanoseconds.

Spinner, who's randomly decided to be a homophobe today, is grossed out by Gay Dylan and his penchant for sexy jogging types. While I understand that they need an unsupportive friend for this whole storyline to work, and asshole Spinner would usually fit the bill pretty well, I find it difficult to believe that he's so over-the-top homophobic when his long-time girlfriend's brother is openly gay. Apart from the milk incident, there's nothing to suggest that they don't get along perfectly well. I'm just not buying it, you guys.

Some time later, the gang has found a nice little spot to toast marshmallows over a random barbecue. Ellie is sitting away from the group, strumming a random guitar. Where are they getting all these set pieces from? Nobody had gay picnic baskets full of guitars and barbecues before. Out of the blue, Spinner tells Marco to go over to Ellie and start acting like her boyfriend. Which is odd, because he doesn't even like Ellie. Why does he care if Marco wants to hang out with her or not? Marco tries to be all macho in front of his mates, and Ellie announces to the world that they broke up. Marco goes off by himself, and Dylan comes by to comfort him wordlessly. It would be a really poignant scene if not for the terrifically out-of-place rap song playing in the background.

The next day at school, Paige tells Spinner about her brother's theory that Marco is gay. Spinner refuses to believe it. Or does he..?

Marco comes to school wearing a hockey jersey, because he knows that Dylan is hardcore into hockey. Even more so than volleyball, you guys. That's how much of a puck-head Dylan is. Craig, Spinner and Jimmy give Marco shit about the jersey, and Spinner gets unnecessarily upset. You would think his maybe-gay best buddy being into sports might make the little hater happy, but apparently this is the only episode where Spinner is cluey and can sense what's going on before everyone else.

Marco finds Dylan in the library, and Dylan asks him if he had fun at the beach. Really, Dylan? The beach, where you know for a fact he got publicly humiliated to the point where you had to go comfort him on some rocks? Sensitive, dude. Marco is so clearly into him, everything he says comes out completely awkward. Dylan pretends not to notice. It's cute, and totally realistic...not like what happens next.

The amazing Jay Hogart walks in (in what I think might be his first appearance) and warns Marco not to drop anything in front of the big homo. Dylan throws his book at Jay's feet and stands there, looking at him menacingly. Because Dylan is a big tall hockey player who's older and probably a lot stronger than Jay, Jay cuts out of there pretty quickly. Marco thinks it's the most outstanding thing he's ever seen, even though all he did was throw a book on the ground! Why even do that? Was he challenging Jay to pick it up or something, because it wasn't even his book. Anyway, Jay cuts out and Marco bends over to pick up the book. They smile at each other. Subtext! Oh, the subtext!

Meanwhile, Craig and Emma have a short conversation about whether or not Snake actually has a cold. It's not important; I just really like Craig and Emma scenes for no particular reason. That episode where they went to find Emma's dad together was so damn cute. Okay, tangent over.

In science class, Spinner is bullying Marco into dating Hazel. It's really all I can call it. He even has a perverted hand gesture to imply that Hazel is stacked. Heh. I can never tell whether I love Spinner or hate him. This scene would be much nicer if I weren't convinced that Spinner has most definitely cottoned on to the fact that his best friend might be gay. Not sure what his plan here is, though -- maybe he thinks Hazel's amazing rack can turn Marco straight or something.

Cut to Marco and Hazel (and her boobs) on a double date with Paige and Spin. They're all having fun and laughing their heads off, and then Ellie stops by and ruins it all by taking Marco aside and reminding him that he's not straight. Well heck, Ellie, why are we letting a little thing like that ruin everyone fun? After that tremendous telling-off, Marco lies to the others and tells them that he has to go home for dinner, but Suddenly Smart Spinner is not fooled for a second, yo! He follows Marco into the parking lot and absolutely berates the hell out of him. Marco cries and tells Spinner that he's gay. Spinner seems shocked by this, even though he already had an inkling, and huffs off.

Oh, and Snake has cancer. But I already told you that was going to happen, so don't be all Spinner-shocked about it.

The next day, Spinner, Jimmy and Craig are talking about the weekend, but before that, we get an obligatory student-complaining-about-his-classes line. This time it's Craig, who tells Jimmy, "Why are they teaching us about soil erosion? I'm not a farmer. I'm never going to be a farmer." It would be classic if it weren't completely ripping off Ferris Bueller's sentiments on European Socialism. Anyway.

Dylan joins them and hands them all tickets for his big hockey game. Note: Spinner seems completely fine with Dylan. The dude even puts his hand on Spinner's shoulder, and Spinner doesn't even notice...but the second Marco gets a mention (and Craig and Jimmy get excited about a "boys' night") Spinner calls them fags. Legit calls them fags. You're allowed to say 'fag' in Degrassi, as long as it serves a purpose and is never mentioned again.

Jimmy and Craig apparently think that randomly being called fags is sort-of weird behaviour (where would they get that idea?) and Spinner tells the boys that Marco's not coming to the game because he's busy with Ellie. 'Cause it's one thing to go watch a gay guy play hockey, but it's quite another to watch a gay guy play hockey with a gay guy. I just...I don't even know. Spinner is so selectively homophobic, it's getting bizarre.

In PE class, the boys are playing...wait for it...volleyball. Of course they are! This is the gay episode, after all. Craig tells Marco that it's too bad he can't come tonight, and Marco goes up to Spinner and demands to know why he lied to the guys about the hockey game. It culminates in Spinner accusing Marco of only wanting to go to the hockey game because of his "big gay crush." Which is actually true. Mr. Armstrong the PE teacher tells them to stop gossiping and play some v-ball. I like that he presumably heard all of that and decided to completely ignore it. Teacher of the year right there.

What happens next is just sad, subtextually. Spinner decides that what volleyball needs is a little bit of violence, and continuously spikes the ball hard and fast at Marco. No, Spinner! This is volleyball, the subject of Marco and Dylan's first sexually-charged conversation! You're turning it into a hate crime! Stop it!

There is some B-plot action where Snake decides to take control of his body again and shaves his head for charity. Poor Snake. Of all the old Degrassi alumni, he's probably the least deserving of this fate. Stephanie Kaye? Totally different story.

Spinner takes himself to the mens' room and writes the smallest possible 'Marco is a fag' above the urinals. Seriously. His graffiti fits into the grouting of the brick wall. Why even bother? Jimmy catches him doing it, and gets angry. Not sure why, considering that I don't believe Marco and Jimmy have had more than five scenes together previously. He asks Spinner if he's going to write something racist about him next, and Spinner is offended because he is not a racist! Then again, he's also not homophobic, except when he is.

That's literally the graffiti. Right there. I had to circle it.

Ellie comes up to Marco at his locker, and Marco tells her that he's not going to the hockey game after all. Thankfully, Marco's new bestie Jimmy happens by, calls him by his last name, and tells him that he has to come with them to the game. Yay for Jimmy! Ellie gives her friend a supportive smile, which is nice, since Jimmy didn't even bother to acknowledge her existence. It should also be noted that Marco has a picture of Shakira in his locker, which, way to sell 'straight', Del Rossi.

Her hips don't lie, and neither does his taste in music.

In the B-plot, Joey and the stupid brunette girlfriend who's not Caitlin decide to come by Snake's house and fix his cancer with a salad and omega-3 fatty acids. Really. That's actually what Not-Caitlin's plan is. Snake comes home, limping, and treats his guests to the tale of his biopsy. (Which was from the pelvic bone, hence the uncomfortable walking situation he's found himself in.) He tells everyone to stay, and then puts on some music and yells, "Let's get this party started!" Clearly he's dealing with this well.

That night, Marco is going to Dylan's hockey game dressed like this:

Okay. He won't stand out at all. For some reason, the arena he's trying to find is located in the middle of Gay Town, Ontario. We know it's a gay hotspot because there's a rainbow flag in the background, and if you look closely, you can maybe catch on to the fact that the people there might possibly butter their bread on that side. But you really have to look, because it's not like everyone's wearing leather:

Or hugging their boyfriend:

Or holding hands while walking their dog:

Or standing on the corner with a terrifically bad blonde dye-job APPLYING MOTHERFUCKING LIP BALM:

Seriously! What in the hell?! There are more gay stereotypes on this one city block than at ten Celine Dion concerts! Subtlety can kiss Degrassi's ass. Despite the literal buffet of openly gay men, it's Marco who ends up the target of a homophobic gang, which I guess makes sense. He is much, much smaller than the other guys. And that one couple had that giant horse of a dog, so it's not like they were getting bashed anytime soon.

Meanwhile, at the hockey game, Jimmy is concerned that BFF-of-the-week Marco isn't there yet. He decides to give him a call.

The violent gang has taken Marco to the park. Marco is in a headlock, and the most vocal of the thugs tells him that he's pretty. "Almost girl pretty." Kind of an odd thing to say, but whatever floats your boat, Loud Obnoxious Gangbanger. Marco gets Jimmy's call, but the thugs break his phone and beat the hell out of him. Truly. Their trash talk may be a world of terrible, but this scene is actually quite violent. Marco looks terrified. This is one of the first times Degrassi's tried to be confronting and has actually succeeded.

Thankfully, the police randomly happen by and chase the thugs off. Well bully for that. Great timing, Canada's Finest, although I'm a little disappointed that you're not mounties. Jimmy also comes by and consoles poor old Marco. Thank God those gangbangers thought to gay-bash Marco in the world's busiest, centrally-located, best-lit park.

At school the next day, Marco's been telling people that he got swarmed for his shoes. What a cover story. Ellie thinks now's the time to berate him about coming out, because things like timing apparently mean shit to her. Marco, predictably, tells her to drop it. He also flees from his beloved Dylan, which is probably the saddest thing of all. Who will pick up Dylan's books when he throws them at people's feet now?

Jimmy and Spinner are shooting hoops, and Spinner makes fun of Marco getting his shoes stolen. Apparently he finds nothing fishy about his story. (Like the fact that he still has his shoes.) He then goes on to say that it's Marco's fault, because he decided not to walk to the game with the rest of the guys. Spinner, are you smoking crack or something? You didn't want him there! He went to the game by himself because Spinner made him feel so unwelcome! Dammit, Spinner!

The episode ends with the Spinner and Marco in the bathroom, admiring Spinner's tiny graffiti with the aid of a magnifying glass. Spinner tells Marco to stop being gay, and then Marco grows a gigantic pair of balls and tells Spin that he's just as bad as the guys who bashed him. End credits. Nothing gets resolved, which I actually like, to be honest. Sometimes things don't get fixed in an episode. Sometimes they don't even get fixed in a two-parter. That's when you know you've got problems.

Eighties vs. Nineties Fight To The Death: Degrassi

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Madeline: Pilot (Or, Madeline Gets Appendicitis)

Your blogger is back from a month-long vacation
Oh please, no need for a standing ovation!

Why, you may ask, is the blog post in rhyme?
Because today's show is none other than...Madeline!

As we all know, dear Madeline thrived in the ninteties.
...Her day-to-day life chronicled so fine-ties.

Oh goodness, poor Lorelai's struggling already
To keep up the rhyming pace nice and steady.

In her defence, it's but two in the morning
And she's killing time, but not to watch tomorrow's dawning.
The Boston Red Sox are live on TV
But it's hard when you live in Australia, you see.

Enough with this tangent, the subject I'm morphin'.
Let's get on with recapping this redheaded orphan.



In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines.
Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines.
The smallest one was Madeline.

She was the only one who wouldn't sit still
Much to the chagrin of poor Miss Clavel.

(By the way, why on earth do they all call her 'Miss'
When a nun should be Sister, or even just Sis?
My high school principal was a nun so I really should know
Considering how many times in her office my face I did show.)

At dinner Madeline pretends to choke on her bread
Because it's always so funny to pretend to be dead.
Perhaps it's foreshadowing what is to come
Since Madeline is headed for operating theatre number one.

The girls then brushs their teeth and go to bed
To prepare for another day of walking-in-two-straight-lines ahead.
(That shit can be very tiring, as truly
It takes far less effort to be bad and unruly.)

But as soon as Miss Clavel leaves for the night,
Madeline initiates a pillow fight.
God, she would be like the worst roommate ever.
You'd never get to sleep -- like seriously, never.

Madeline scares the girls with shadow puppets
And they all fall for it, the silly little muppets.

Chloe and Danielle are particlarly frightened,
and wow, I still remember their names -- how enlightened!

Madeline grabs a bedspring and begins to push it.
Apparently she is not done with tonight's round of bullshit.
None of the girls fall for it again, though
They believe they've outsmarted their redheaded foe.

The next day the girls go out for a walk around
To see what's going on in old Paris town.

(Remember how we're in Paris? Well, if you forget
There's a flag on the Eiffel Tower -- just like real life, I bet.)

Madeline does some more borderline attention-seeking crap.
Like she only really has personality compared to the other boring saps.

The girls are thoroughly amused by a clown
But when they see a robber they give him a frown.
Never mind that he's a fucking robber, and you'd think they would flee
I think we're seeing some of Miss Clavel's sadistic personality.

Suddenly it's snowing, though it wasn't before
Has time gone forward or something? I'm really not sure.

They pass by a soldier with some kind of war wound
And to cheer him they present him with their ballons.
I'm sure that made up for all the horror's he's seen
Like, "Screw PTSD; twelve balloons from preteens!"

Madeline runs rampant in the park the next day.
Poor Miss Clavel doesn't know what to say.
Apparently "stop fucking doing that," will not do.
Although come to think of it, that's probably not God-approved.

Miss Clavel actually has to carry her home.
I feel sorry for her walking partner, always alone.

In the kitchen, Madeline plays with some mice.
Nobody thinks to warn her about diseases or anything, they're just all, "How nice!"
Methinks Miss Clavel is hoping our little adventurer
Will end up with some sort of Parisian cholera.

Madeline decides to sing a ditty admitting
How her attempts to scare Miss Clavel aren't so unwitting.
Wow, Maddie dearest, you really are swell
Deliberately frightening poor Miss Clavel.

You'd think she'd show some respect to a freakin' nun
But every chance she takes, Maddie goes on the run.
Like I get that she's adventurous and spunky and brave
But she's sending her teacher to an early grave.

The next day on the girls' compulsory walk,
Madeline is feeling too unwell to talk
Too unwell to skip or jump or run or play
Why, she's just like all the other orphans today!

Everyone's all, "Gosh, Madeline, what the heck's happened to ya?
How are we all supposed to live vicariously through ya?
It's like you're in time-out, but of your own free will!"
Still, nobody thinks the young lass could be ill.

Madeline goes and spreads whatever vermin disease she has with the ducks.
Am I being too harsh? You can tell me, but I kind-of won't give a fuck.
(That rhyme was necessary; by poem laws I obided.
The second I saw the ducks, basically, was when I decided.)

At dinner Madeline doesn't eat her bread
She just gives it to the mice instead.
Surely that will only make the rodents spread.

And so it happens in the middle of the night
Miss Clavel gets her "feeling" that something isn't right.
Of course, why just say it and move right along
When you can immortalise it with a catchy song?

Miss Clavel adorns herself with her robes and her habit
Because whatever that "something" is, it can wait till she's dressed, dagnabbit!

(By the way, anybody remember the live-action movie?
Even young Lorelai didn't find that one too groovy.
My first experience of Frances McDormand; I hadn't seen Fargo.
Thanks to a mother-imposed grown-up movie embargo.)

She rushes into the girls room; Madeline's looking unwell.
Though I notice none of the girls thought to alert Miss Clavel.

Some doctor comes, and get this -- the dude rides a bike
I think a car would be more appropriate, but no, whatever you like.

He disangoses poor Maddie with a ruptured appendix
Then carries her away to the hospital, quick sticks!
Gosh, I hope his bike has some sort of basket
Or Madeline's journey home may be in a casket.

The girls think Madeline's dying; they're going through hell!
Don't correct them or anything, will you, Miss Clavel.

The next morning, Madeline ain't in her bed.
She's still at the hospital, or possibly dead.
Chloe starts crying for Maddie lost appendix.
Um...excuse me while I think of a way to casually bring up Jimi Hendrix.

(That wasn't it, I know.)

"But what's an appendix?" Danielle asks her peers
Nicole says it's a head thing -- that does not quell their fears.
Danielle is afraid that Madeline will return
With a hole in her head, but soon they all learn
That an appendix is...well, I don't know, something lame
And Madeline will soon be returning again.

Hopefully this excercise is not one in futility.
And someone finally diagnoses her ADHD.

In the hospital, Madeline is well on the mend.
Her appendix is gone, so the brat's back again.

It's a rather good thing Maddie's well and alive
Since without her the rest of the girls can't survive.

Like, seriously, you should see their daily routine
Without the assistance of their ginger queen.

They frown at the clown and smile at the robber
Did he...did he get away last time or something? Stupid copper.

But honestly, this goes beyond simple devotion
Without Madeline, they don't understand human emotion.

Dear Miss Clavel is positively brokenhearted
To discover her orphans are borderline retarded.
Back at home the girls brush their bread and break their teeth
Surely this is much more than the side effect of grief!

In the hospital, it seems our friend Madeline is bored
She harrasses the nurses, and they're all, "Good lord!
A girl who likes tigers and snowmen and mice!
From a girl so, so young -- why, this will not suffice!"

Ten scant days later, on a morning quite fine,
Miss Clavel tells the girls, "Let's visit Madeline!"
I kind-of love how they didn't visit her sooner
Specially considering they thought she had some kind of tumor.

The girls all hop aboard a minibus, and
Sing about the fun times they all once had
They're singing and dancing like Madeline's gone
To the great big Lourve in the sky, oh-hohn-hohn.

(Yes, I rhymed the French laugh, so believe all the hype
What a commitment I have to my French stereotypes!)

The girls stop on the way to buy Maddie a gift.
Hopefully to smooth out the "We kinda just left you in the hospital for a week and a half by yourself without so much as a visit" rift.

But when they arrive at the hospital, they
Were far more surprised than I can say.
It seemed at first like Santa had come, but rather,
She'd just gotten a shitload of toys from her deadbeet father.
Because nothing says, "Hey darling, please don't be sad,"
Like some store-bought love from an absentee dad.

The best gift of all, Madeline thought, by far,
Was given to her by the surgeons -- her scar!
She thinks that this scar makes her suddenly above it,
So naturally she has to make a production of it.

She sings, she dances, while her scar she's barin'.
Imagine how much fun she'll have with a cesarian!

The girl are impressed, and when they return home
They break out the markers and draw scars of their own.
One of the dafter girls draws herself a 'B'
Gah, I hope that ink's not on there permanently!

The girls go to bed and say their goodnights
As a ragged Miss Clavel turns out all the lights
Making sure they are sleeping, she closes the door
And that's all there is, there isn't any more.

...

Truly, you guys, this is just how it ends
With dear old scarred Madeline away from her friends
You'd think they'd have shown us her joyous return
I guess a little isolation's the only way she will learn
That she has an unhealthy need for attention
Her personality problems? Too many to mention.

I must end this blog post, before I go crazy.
Have I proven to you that I'm not all that lazy?
Though now that I've finally put pen to paper
I can see I'm appaling at this rhyming caper.
Like 'puppets' with 'muppets? What the hell was I thinking?
I can assure you in my absense I have not started drinking.

So see you all later, see you next time
Hopefully by then I will have stopped speaking in rhyme.



*Sighs* This is just...I'm sorry. Note to self: ignore any early-morning blogging urges from now on, and stick to the daylight hours.

The Saddle Club: Mystery Weekend

(First, let me saythat while I realise The Saddle Club is very much a noughties ABC Kids TV show, I'm also well aware that many of you grew up reading the book series on which it's based, so I think it's all relative. Okay, now on with the recap.)


Because Australia and Canada seem to have so much in common, the ABC commissioned this pony-themes series about three pre-teens (Canadian-to-Aussie ratio: two to one) who, uh, loved to ride horsies. They rode horsies all day, every day. "But what about school," the more responsible reader will ask. School schmool! There's no time for school when there are horsies to ride! Set in the stables of Pine Hollow, Stevie, Lisa and Carole form their titular Saddle Club. Depite being seemingly ridiculous to the average-aged viewer of this blog (why do all girls love horsies so damn much?) this show dealt with its fair share of over-dramatised themes, from friendship to love to just how to cope when your favourite horsie breaks its leg and takes a trip to the glue factory.

I have a very small but very embarrassing confession to make -- I loved this show, even though it came out when I was like eleven and probably past the key age demographic. Really, REALLY loved it. I used to write my own Saddle Club fanfiction before I even knew what fanfiction was. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't a Mallory Pike-esque horse freak or anything. I didn't even read the books. I just adored loved this show. Looking back, as I have today, it definitely falls into the Captain Planet-inspired, 'we thought it was a good idea at the time' category. None of these kids can act, the characters are bland, and how is it possible that these three girls keep facing disasters every week? Falling off your horse is one thing, but falling down a mineshaft, getting bitten by a snake and plummeting off a cliff should be once-in-a-lifetime fare, yes? Not if you're the Saddle Club, it's not!

Let's do a quick meet of the characters:

Stevie Lake (Sophie Bennett) -- the Kristy Thomas of the group, and Canadian #1. She's kind-of a bitch to anyone who happens to not be in the Saddle Club, but she also holds the Mary Anne title for getting a boyfriend before all the other girls.

Carole Hanson (Keenan MacWilliam) -- the wannabe-vet with the dead mother, and Canadian #2. (Everyone else from here on in seems to be decidedly not Canadian.)While all the girls love horsies, Carole loves them just a little bit more, thanks to her late mother, who was a veterenarian.

Lisa Atwood (Lara Jean Marshall) -- the nice richie. Don't let her wealth fool you like it fooled Stevie and Carole that first episode. Lisa's down-to-earth and pleasant, and also a bad luck magnet for some reason. Truly. In the first season alone, she ends up being bitten by a snake, thrown down a mineshaft, almost killed by a bout of appendicitis, and goes into a coma. A freakin' coma.

Veronica DiAngelo (Heli Simpson) -- the mean richie. She's the girls' main nemesis, the smarmy blonde who needs everything to go her way. She also kinda looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, which is weird but I think worth mentioning, no?

Kristi Cavanaugh (Kia Luby) -- Veronica's lackey, and totally my favourite character. She was cool in her own right, though, and her main character trait was that she was in love with Red the stablehand. She, uh, developed a little quicker than the others, so she was probably a lot of the older brothers' favourite, too.

Red O'Malley (Nathan Phillips) -- the sexy stablehand. He's kind and sexy and good at his job, and...and sexy. I had such a crush on this guy, and I actually got to see him in the flesh once when he filmed a movie in my suburb. (He bowled at the bowling place where I bowl!) He was recast in the second season, but thankfully I'd stopped watching by then. Oh, and Americans -- he was the guy from Snakes On A Plane, the one who wasn't Samuel L. Jackson.

Max Regnery (Brett Tucker) -- the stable owner. He's a little bit strict, but generally nice as pie. And ladies, he really does make Red look like a boy. He was definitely the eye candy of the show for the mums/older sisters/Lorelai 2010.

Mrs. Reg (Catherine Wilkin) -- Max's mother and Pine Hollow's co-owner. She's the sweet older lady who, by the looks of her, squeezed out Max at the ripe old age of nine.

Phil Marsden (Glenn Meldrum) -- the guy of the group. He ends up being Stevie's boyfriend, but at the start is just a nice shot of testosterone in an otherwise female cast of characters.

Ashley (Janelle Corlass-Brown) and Melanie (Mariska Sieta) -- the younger girls. Melanie is Lisa's little sister, and Ashley is her friend who always hangs around for the cred. In the second season, Mariska was replaced with the more looking-like-Lisa-esque Jessica Jacobs, who actually died not long ago in a train accident.




Pine Hollow is gearing up for a special mystery weekend. Not to be confused with the overnight trail, which was last week's episode. Stevie, Lisa and Carole are checking out Phil's horse, while Veronica is checking out Phil's mate Greg. Nice. Phil and Greg walk over to the ladies and start giving us some exposition about how the mystery weekend is supposed to raised enough money to save their beloved pony club. A...a pony club? Really, Phil? You try and pick up girls by talking about how you're in a pony club? What kind of queer shit is that? To save Phil from any more questions about his sexual preferences, Max appears in a Sherlock Holmes-esque outfit, yammering on about how a crime has been committed and a horsenapping needs to be solved. Aw, jeez. My thoughts go out to Brett Tucker, who's actually quite a good actor when he's not whoring himself like this.

Credits time! See, this is where this show differs from simply every other one I know about -- the main version of the theme song is actually sung in the closing credits, while the opening credits are accompanied by a modified instrumental version. Isn't it usually the other way around?

All the kids are getting ready for their ride, except Phil, who tells Stevie that he's feeling sick. Cough*bullshit*cough! Ahem. Anyway, Stevie runs into some really snappy girl named Nia who acts all shady. Is this part of the mystery, or is she just it a bitch? That's the question you must answer if you want Saddle Club bragging rights. (I'm assuming you do.) Greg the random friend seems to think that it's the latter. He goes into Mrs. Reg's office where his father (the cold businessman type) is talking on his mobile. His dad pretty much ingnores him, because, seriously, kid's in a pony club. Clearly daddy dearest ain't exactly thrilled. Veronica comes up to Greg and offers to let him ride on hers and Kristi's team now that Phil's chucked a sickie.

Ashley rushes in and tells everyone in her little munchkin voice that her brand new saddle is gone as well. Gone from the room where that bitch Nia was loitering around before, too. The sociopathic Saddle Club decide that it must be a clue to the mystery. Carole's like, "Ashley was great. Those looked like real tears!" That's because they fucking were, Carole. How many small children do you know that can cry on cue?

The kids all get on their horsies and start looking for clues. So...is the plan just to let these twelve-year-olds ride around in the bush by themselves with absolutely no help or guidance or anything? Because that doesn't really seem safe. Did they not watch the episodes with the cliffs and the mineshafts and the snake bites? Stevie sees a figure running through the bushes, and swears that it looks like Phil. Carole and Lisa think she's delusional, or maybe it's wishful thinking. (At this stage in the series, Stevie and Phil have a sort-of Kristy Thomas/Bart Taylor relationship.)

Meanwhile, Veronica is trying to get up close and personal with that sexy pre-pubescent Greg fellow. Greg complains that his father only sees his pony club as a business deal; he never actually comes to watch his son prance around on a horsie. Greg, this is an easy fix: stop calling it a pony club and put on a copy of The Man From Snowy River. There's nothing more manly than The Man From Snowy River! He's a freakin' stockman, for goodness' sake! He has a hat! And a whip! Veronica and Greg try to out-deadbeat-dad one another, and while all this is going on, Kristi finds a clue in a golden envelope. Dang, Kristi, I knew there was a reason you were my favourite. The clue suggests they head towards the creek for the next one, and Kristi takes the envelope off the tree. Greg's like, "Sacrilege! How will the others find the clue if we take it?" Veronica tells Kristi to put the clue back, then takes it when Greg's back is turned. Not even true kiddie love can stop Veronica's Veronica-ness. It's oddly comforting.

The Saddle Club girls are riding around aimlessly, looking for clues that aren't there anymore. Stop for a second and think how funny that is. They're just wandering around in circles! It's awesome! Lisa finds some hoofprints in the dirt and think they're a clue. Hint: they're not, but it makes it even funnier that they think that. Just when the girls think they've caught a break, the bell rings and they're forced to retire for the night. Wow. Short mystery day.

Back at Pine Hollow, the kids are having dinner. Stevie approaches Phil and asks him if he's feeling better, and he acts all shifty and says that's he's not. Right, 'cause he's not up to anything at all. Lisa talks to Sam (a tertiary character there's no need to care about) and he complains that his group has hardly found any envelopes. Lisa's like, "What envelopes?" Heh. At least Sam's found some. Greg rushes in and yells about how his tack's gone missing. I'm not sure what a tack is, but I heard it enough times during my Saddle Club phase to know it's some horsie crap. (How helpful am I?) Lisa's like, "Ha ha, another clue," and Max is like, "No, Lisa, you insensitive little jerk. The clues are in fucking envelopes. You'd think you would understand this by now, seeing as how Sam literally just told you that."

It's time to hit the hay. Literally. The kids are all camping out in sleeping bags on top of haybales. That can't be sanitary or comfortable. Veronica is going on about how sad it is that someone stole Greg's tack, and bitchy Nia comes along and tells her that his tack was flashy and overpriced anyway. Way to act like suspicious, Nia. Unless of course Nia's actually a red herring -- then she's actually doing her job really well. I'd probably be stumped if I was eleven again and hadn't already seen this episode. Mrs. Reg comes along and tells them that it's lights-out time, and Ashley, scared that there could be a thief in the building, asks her to leave them on. Mrs. Reg's like, "Uh, no." How kind you are, Mrs. Reg. It should also be noted that Ashley's wearing a hat to bed, which is a little odd, no?

Lights out apparently means nothing for the Saddle Clubbers, who start talking about how screwed they are re this whole mystery thing. Lisa, ever the optemist, suggests that the hoofprints they found could be clues to the real mystery of the tack-thief. Hmm, I like how Lisa thinks. Are you coming last in your pony club's mystery game? Don't worry, just make up your own and win that by the default of you and your friends being the only people who know about it! Carole suggests that since the hoofprints were made by special horsie shoes (or something -- I'm failing in horsespeak right now, aren't I?) then it can't possibly be anyone from Pine Hollow. Steve suggests that Phil's the tack thief, and all the girl gasp. How dare she accuse her sometimes-boyfriend!

The girls go downstairs to look for clues. Lisa complains that the tack room's locked, so Carole gets the spare key. Whoah, check it out, Stevie -- Carole knows where the spare key is! By your shitty logic, she must be Phil's accomplice! They go into the tack room and Lisa, with a confused look on her face, announces, "Everything here's safe and sound!" Well duh, Lisa, the door was locked. It was locked up nice and tight until you and your friends unlocked it. The girls then go into Mrs. Reg's office and guard the (locked) door. Just in case that whole lock thing doesn't work. The second they fall asleep, a shadowy figure picks the lock and goes a'stealing, naturally.




Morning comes, and Veronica wakes to find her tack gone. Who could need this many tacks? (Unless they're like, disposable, but then I don't really see what the big deal is. God, I really need to work out what a tack is.) The Saddle Clubbers come see what all the fuss is about, and Veronica accuses them of stealing her tack. It seems that Nia saw them go downstairs in the middle of the night and unlock the door. Max tells Carole off, probably because she's black. I'm just saying. Stevie and Lisa come to Carole's defence and say they were all in on it, so Max disqualifies them all from the mystery weekend. Dum dum DUUUUM! No great loss, considering they were coming last anyway.

Greg is walking his horsie around the stables when Phil comes up and asks him why the thief stole his tack and not his bridle. Joy, another horsie term. I just know that it's all stuff you put on a horsie pre-ride. Greg admits that it doesn't really make sense, and maybe the thief doesn't know what he's doing. I'll say. While this is going on, the Saddle Clubbers are mucking out the stables. Whoah, so their punishment is to sit out the mystery AND shovel crap? Can a riding school even make their students do that? I mean, I used to take group keyboard lessons when I was eight, and I was behind my share of class disruptions, but not once did they ever make me clean the toilets. Anyway, Veronica comes along and tells them, "Max lent me some tack." So it's some tack now, as opposed to a tack? Is...is this tack they speak of shapeshifting? Can it spontaneously multiply? I should Google it, but by this point, my stubbornness has well and truly taken over.

Max comes along and ushers the remaining contestants to their trusty steeds. He tells the girls that he hopes he can trust them not to leave the stables until they're done with all the shovelling. Right, Max, because that's what I'd do with my prime suspects -- I'd leave them alone, unsupervised and with the knowledge of a spare key to the scene of the freakin' crime. Think about it, Maximilian. The girls seem devastated that Max is disappointed in them, and to be honest, I would be too. His 'disappointment' face is truly heartbreaking.

Phil comes by, walking his horse, and Stevie's like, "Hey Sickie, WTF are you doing if you're so sick, Sickie?" Phil tells her that maybe getting some air will help him feel less sick, and then expresses his disappointment that they're not in the comp anymore because he knows he didn't do it. And how does Stevie react to these kind words? By saying behind his back, "Of course he knows we didn't do it, because he's the real thief." Gee, that's nice. There's the Kristy Thomas in her coming out again.

In the office, Mrs. Reg asks Max if he really thinks the Saddle Clubbers stole Veronica's tack, and he admits that he doesn't. But they did go into the tack room after curfew, which warrants a punishment in his books. I like that Max actually has the nerve to punish his best students. All too often, a teacher/parent/horsie instuctor in the YA genre will give us some shitty reason why he can't possibly reprimand a certain invidual, even though the truth is that he simply likes 'em too damn much. (I'm looking at you, Mr. Collins!) In fact, we actually get this exhange, which I am quoting verbatim:

Max: Veronica's right, Mum. If it were any other students, I would have
disqualified them. I can't show them special treatment.
Mrs. Reg: Of course you can!

Mrs. Reg, for shame! I used to like you. In fact, Mrs. Reg looks and speaks exactly like one of my high school teachers, except this bitch I'm talking about had balls of steel. She was awesomely evil, and totally my second-favourite teacher. (I really can't look past the gay, musical theatre-loving Legal Studies teacher who fell asleep when we went to the supreme court to watch a trial.) But enough about me. Just as Mrs. Reg is singing the praises of the Saddle Club, they're sneaking out to find the real tack thief.

The girls saddle up their horsies and follow the strange footprints...straight to Phil. They confront him about being the tack thief, and he's like, "Seriously? You girls call yourselves the smart ones, and you still think it's me?" Lisa yells about how she can't believe he stole from the Pine Hollow peeps, and he has to reiterate that he didn't steal anything -- he's the one who's been planting the clues. Phil is in on it, y'all. Yell out if you didn't see that one coming. *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

Stevie calls bullshit on Phil's excuse, because why would he be going around on Day 2 leaving clues? Phil tells them that he's now trying to clear their name -- he thinks it's Greg who's stealing all the tacks. Just then, they spot Greg riding like the wind. I'm not sure what he's doing by himself without his mystery group, but there he goes. I totally remember how this Greg thing ends, because this was one of the episode I based my fanfiction on. I'm not going to tell you who the perp is, though; you'll just have to wait and see like everyone else. Or you could use logical thinking and reasoning to work it out as well, if that's what floats your boat.

In the ensuing chase, Greg falls off his horse. I don't think it's supposed to be suspenseful, because they've got this weird fruity flute music playing in the background. Carole rushes to catch up to his horsie, while Phil, Stevie and Lisa corner dear Gregory and take him back to the stables. I guess the mystery weekend's over, then.

In the lounge, Phil asks the girls how they could possibly think he was the thief. You know, if I were him, I'd be a bit more upset about their false accusation. Lisa's like, "So what about that chick Nia? Why was she acting like a heinous bitch-monster?" and Phil tells them that she was helping him hide Nickel for the mystery, or in Lorelai's words, "being a red herring." Hold on, wait...they actually hid the horse? Isn't that a bit literal? I'm not sure what the need was for hiding the horse, but okay. Max comes in and yells at the girls for disobeying his orders and leaving the stables, but they tell him (and Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad, who just happens to be there) that they caught the tack thief -- and it's Greg. Just then, Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad's phone rings, and Greg storms out dramatically. Because all this was about a little bit of child neglect! Of course! Stevie suggests that he go talk to his ne'er-do-well son instead of answering his phone, and suddenly Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad sees the error of his ways! Nothing like some hard truths from a twelve-year-old with an unkind face. Nothing really happens with this whole Greg thing, though. I guess he just gives everyone their tacks back and leads an unhappy, tackless life. Eh, whatever. Nobody really liked him anyway, except for Veronica, but she's pathological so she doesn't count.



It's time for the presentation of the mystery weekend trophy. Mrs. Reg announces that Veronica and Kristi are the winners, and everyone kinda groans and mutters under their breaths. Heh. The girls go over to congratulate their nemeses for plot contrivances' sake, and Phil (I included him in the collective 'girls' at the start of the sentence) notices that Veronica has a bunch of gold envelopes in her pocket, and the two get disqualified. Mrs. Reg decides to give the trophy to the Saddle Club. Fuckin' why, Mrs. Reg? How is that fair? They didn't even participate! And everyone in the lounge cheers for them, even Sam and Co. who actually found a couple of envelopes. The look on Kristi's face at the end there is pretty much the look on mine as well. Screw the brown-nosing Saddle Club, man.

And that's where this episode ends. I should make mention that this is actually where my favourite Saddle Club fanfiction started -- Red the stablehand (who wasn't even in this episode, but that didn't stop me) gets mad at Kristi for cheating, but then Sam falls off a cliff and she ends up saving his life and redeeming herself. I think Max may have even given her the trophy for it, too. Also, I'm embedding the end credits in here for you to take a look at, mainly because the song is bloody catchy and if I have to suffer, so do you.

Ready Or Not: The Big Gulp

Feel free to click on the link and watch the episode first. (It's in three parts.) It's okay, I'll be right here when you get back.


Oh, the classic opening credits. Busy and Amanda are having fun and getting up to shenanigans in a photo booth. Not something you'd see this days -- it's all about camera phones now, baby. The "do you have money?" line of Amanda's at the very start of the theme song brings back about a thousand memories. In fact, this episode is one I remember so, so, so clearly. I'm pretty sure I only saw it the once, but it obviously had an effect on me.

The episode starts with Busy and Amanda hanging out in Busy's room making prank calls. Those were the days. Busy's looking up people with the surname "Dyck", and hopes that Mr. H Dyck's real name is Harry. Because then it would sound like "hairy dick." Do you get it? Do you? Oh, stop groaning, I bet you thought it was hysterical back then. Busy calls Mr. Dyck and asks him if his refrigerator is running. Okay, I'm pretty sure that even back in 1993, that joke was stale. Amanda and Busy think it's hilarious. Ah, to be young and brainless.

The phone rings, and Amanda freaks out, thinking Mr. Dyck has traced their call. Relax, Amanda; I don't think that technology has been invented yet. Busy answers it, and it's just some girl calling for her brother Dom. Hey, it's Dom! I loved Dom! He was always so cool, with his high school-ness and his pizza delivery job. (This whole episode is based around Dom's pizza delivery job, so you'll be glad I mentioned it later.)

The girls get hungry and go downstairs, where they run into Dom. Apparently he's an hour late for work, but still has time to say hello to Amanda. It's not noteworthy at all, except that I was an Amanda/Dom shipper. (You know, later in life -- I'm not that sick.) While Busy looks for something to eat, Amanda tells her that Chrissy, a popular seventh-grader, is having a slumber party, and the cool guys are going to crash it. She totally wants to go because she thinks it'll be fun. Busy totally doesn't because as she says to Amanda, "your idea of fun is painting your toenails geometric shapes." How strangely descriptive. And also, just plain weird. I'm not sure how that would even work.

Dom comes back looking for his car keys, and Amanda and Busy convince him to let them tag along. Which sounds even more boring than what they were doing before, but okay. Whatever floats your pre-teen boats. Oh, and for all you Buffy fans out there, you may recognise Dom as the guy who was supposed to take Buffy to the senior prom, but bitched out at the last minute. Which was okay, though, because then Angel came and they danced to 'Wild Horses'. Good times. Anyway.

Dom drives like a maniac. He explains to B&A that if the pizzas are delivered cold, they're free. Considering Dom's already an hour late (and maybe more by now), I'm gonna bet that he doesn't make a whole lotta money tonight. Busy and Amanda aren't helping things by eating the pizza. See Dom, this is why you don't take twelve-year-olds along on pizza deliveries. You'll learn the hard way, but you will learn.

The car pulls up at Chrissy's house. The fact that Amanda knows where Chrissy lives is a little stalker-esque. Dom complains that it's the girls' fault that he's late, "because I was driving too slow because I was worried you'd tell Mom." Hee! Amanda offers to deliver the pizza for him, and says that they were actually invited to the party, and Dom can pick them (and his money) up later. Dom, who apparently has had some sort of brain-fade in the last three seconds, agrees to this. No, Dom, no. Oh my God, why? This guy should not be allowed out.

Amanda decides that they'll deliver the pizzas and then sneak into the party. My, what a plan. B&A ring the doorbell, and Cool Chrissy answers the door. We know she's cool because she's blonde, mean and thirteen. I'm two out of three, so I guess I'm cool too. Yay for me. Chrissy says she's not paying because the pizzas are cold, and then slams the door in their faces. Hee! Busy's pissed 'cause she didn't pay. Amanda's pissed because she barely acknowledged them. These girls and their priorities. Need I remind you all that they're stranded on Chrissy's doorstep now? Of course I don't, because unlike these two, that's probably the first thing you thought of.

Amanda and Busy spy on the party through an open window. The girls are doing a seance, trying to bring Elvis back. I remember this bit so clearly, because, well, you just don't forget something like that. They offer Elvis pizza if he rises. Which, if I know my Elvis, is definitely a deal the big guy would go for. Busy makes some noise to spook the girls, and they're positive that Elvis's spirit is with them. Chrissy lifts the lid and sees that there's a slice of pizza missing. They're like, "OMG, Elvis ate the pizza!" Um, no. A world of no. It never crosses their mind that maybe the pizza delivery guy (or his sister) may have eaten it. No no, the most logical explanation is that Elvis's ghostly presence managed to remove a slice of pizza from the closed box without anyone noticing. Mmkay.

The Asian girl is skeptical. Probably because she's Asian. I'm just saying, even though the nineties were basically a decade-long We-Love-Racial-Diversity parade, they still stuck to the age-old stereotypes. Later on, when they're watching the token slumber party horror film, even money says the black girl will start yelling at the screen, "Don't go in there! He's behind the door!" Anyway, the Asian girl goes into the front yard and sees Amanda and Busy spying on them. Ruh-roh!

The seventh-graders bring Amanda and Busy inside and start cooking up their punishment. (There are only six of them, so I don't know how Amanda was going to sneak into the party and not be noticed, but okay.) One girl thinks they should have to eat all the pizza. Dude, if that's what they call a punishment, I'm so going over there and pretending to be Elvis tonight. Chrissy decides that they'll have to "babysit Charlotte, clean out the toilet, eat lemons...and then we'll shave their heads." Even before watching this episode, I could've told you what all those punishments were. That's how well I remember this episode. The head-shaving thing freaked me out. I was like, "But no! Amanda has such pretty long hair! Don't do it, Chrissy!"

Side note: the actress playing Chrissy looks pretty much the way I always imagined Stacey from The Babysitters Club would look if she was a real person. (Then the BSC TV show came out, and I was thoroughly disappointed.) Now that I think about, Busy would make a good Kristy Thomas as well; however, the Asian girl is too annoying to be Claudia. The black girl could be Jessi, though, because Jessi had no discernible personality whatsoever and could be played by anyone, so long as they're black. Moving on.

Before the girls can work out a suitable punishment for Busy and Amanda, the boys arrive. The pyjama-clad girls freak out and start screaming. Chrissy's like, "OMG, Justin, I can't believe you came!" in a way that makes me think she A) knew they were going to crash, and B) totally digs it. She has to change first, though. Justin and Chrissy aren't together yet, so I guess they have three episodes to hook up before they all go on band camp and Amanda tells everyone that they had sex. (Episode 9, 'Double Talk' -- watch it!)

The boys, unlike the girls, have actual characters and personalities, which I will helpfully outline for you now:
Justin -- the token cute boy Amanda's crushing on
Gus -- the token bad boy who wants to get drunk
Troy -- the token black guy who Busy's crushing on
Emory -- the token four-eyed loser, who no one's crushing on, on account of him being a loser

Justin sees Amanda and is like, "Whoah, what are you doing here?" Busy and Troy greet each other, and I do believe they'd make a nice couple. (IMDb tells me they get together later, but I have no recollection of that.) Justin uses one of the girls' seance candles to lip-synch a serenade for Amanda, and she is So Totally In Love. Personally, I think Gus is the better-looking one out of all of them. Plus, he's baaad, and if we've learned anything from Ship to Shore and Round the Twist, the baaad boys are always the most attractive. (Even if they're butt fugly.)

Busy talks to Emory, and he says that he and Justin have been best friends since kindergarten. I guess Justin's drifting. Sucks to be Emory, I suppose. Chrissy sees the two girls and tells them to go upstairs, call their ride and get out. I think we're meant to see her as being a bitch here, but I so don't blame her. Twelve-year-olds just aren't good company when you're thirteen. Plus, she doesn't even know them. It's weird. Amanda's weird for wanting to come. I think Amanda has a big ol' girl crush on Chrissy.

B&A go upstairs to the kitchen, where Chrissy's little sister Charlotte (of babysitting punishment fame) is upstairs eating cereal. Kind-of a weird time to be doing that, but okay. I eat cereal at all hours of the night, but I'm not a strict meal-planned seven-year-old. Gus, Emory and Justin follow them, because apparently Gus has already drunk all the liquor downstairs and is looking for more. Go, Gus! Wow, I just had a moment there where I was about to snark the boys for not bringing their own booze, before remembering that they're thirteen and not even close to being the legal drinking age. I feel so old now.

Gus hilariously says, "What kind of party is this without any brew?" Um, a slumber party. A thirteen-year-old girl's slumber party. All they wanted to do was eat pizza and call Elvis from his grave. It's not a party at all. Little Charlotte tells the boys that there are a bunch of bottles under the sink, because "my mom likes having a nice big drink to relax." Aw, some not-so-subtle alcoholic undertones. Nice. She also goes on to say that her mother is out with her new boyfriend, who smokes. Justin gets all patronising and says, "Smoking's bad for you, isn't it?" and laughs. Shut up, Justin. Gus may be a dick, but at least he's consistent. Don't try to be the good guy.

Gus mixes a bunch of liqours in a paper cup. Classy. Justin says, "This stuff is FINE!" and not ironically, either. That's actually how Justin talks. What a catch. He offers some to Amanda, and she smells it and declines. He pushes the cup in Busy's face, and she says, not missing a beat, "Go away. Far away." Justin backs away. Hee! Go Busy! She hangs up the phone, pissed because she can't reach her parents or Dom. Ah, the days without mobile phones. What did we do without them?

Chrissy comes in and goes psycho at Charlotte for being up past her bedtime. Then she goes psycho at the boys for drinking her mother's liquor. Then she goes psycho at Busy and Amanda for still being there. That's a whole lotta psycho from Chrissy. I hope Amanda's girl crush doesn't suffer from this little display. Gus forces Emory to "try some liquids", and then the boys laugh at him when he doesn't like it. In the words of Busy, "Nice friends." Busy is so awesome. I can't believe just how awesome she is.

In the living room, everyone's passing around this bottomless cup of nondescript alcohol. A certain long-haired dude is pretty interested in getting the black girl drunk. Because if you have greasy long hair, that's the only way girls will like you. That's a lesson we can all learn from. Apparently Gus is the Keeper of the Cup, though, because he takes it right off her after she's had a sip. Two girls in the corner vow not to drink, because "look at them!" Yes, look at them dancing and talking after getting sauced off two sips of booze! How rebellious! Amanda and Busy are watching this from the staircase, looking pretty unimpressed.

Chrissy turns off the music and announces that they're going to play Two Minutes in the Closet. I never played that growing up. It didn't help that I went to an all-girls' school and didn't know a whole lot of boys until Year Eight, but it's just not something we ever did. Amanda offers to let them borrow her red lipgloss, and Chrissy's like, "Fuck off, little girl." Justin invites the girls to stay, because he's so sensitive and stuff. My arse he's sensitive. He's a jerk with a good poker face, is what he is. Oh, and the Asian girl's name is Melissa. Good to know, because I'm tired of calling her the Asian girl. Justin tells Amanda that "it'll be you and me first." Amanda's So Totally In Love again.

Long-Haired Dude and Black Girl go first. Justin is such a shameless liar. Amanda gets to time them though, so she feels included. The nameless duo go into the closet and come out two minutes later with red lipstick all over their faces. OMG KISSING! Scandalous! Melissa chooses Gus to go in with her, and as it turns out, the dude's all talk. LOSER! They just stand there for two minutes. LAME! The others open the closet door, and Melissa says Gus didn't make a move. FAIL! Gus is like, "I did too; I just wiped all the lipstick off!" Again, I must go with the original LOSER!

Gus, being a major shit-heel, immediately turns the attention to Emory. He's like, "Get in the closet, you scared lame-o!" and Emory does, because peer pressure is a bitch. Gus calls Emory a "sucky-face nerd," which I think is just about the funniest trash talk I've heard in a long while. Chrissy reacts like it's the worst name she's ever heard anyone being called. They're all going to get a nasty shock when they reach high school.

No one wants to go into the closet to kiss Emory, because he's such a sucky-face nerd. Chrissy suggests that Amanda and Busy do it, as punishment for spying on the girls before. The sure as hell don't want to. Gus and Long-Haired Dude grab them and try to push them into the closet, and they struggle like it's attempted rape or something. How sad for Emory. Justin tells Gus that he's being a douche, but the second Emory comes out of the closet (literally, I mean), he's like, "Okay, we've got two of 'em puckered-up and ready to go, so go kiss 'em." Okay, first thing, Justin? That's not how the game works. The 'closet' part in the title loses all its meaning if you are not, in fact, in a closet. And secondly, YOU'RE A DICK! You'll never be anything but a dick, so stop pretending to be the good guy! At least Gus commits to his dickish ways.

Speaking of, Gus gives up on forcing Amanda to kiss Emory. He decides instead to pay him out for being a wimp to cover up his own insecurities. How psychological. They try to make Justin the good guy again by sticking up to Gus...and telling him that Emory'll do it. Um, no. Justin is a dick. Stop fighting it. Then Gus randomly tells Emory to strip. I have absolutely no idea why. I'm thinking maybe Gus is a bit gay. Everyone else apparently thinks it's a good idea too, and they start chanting, "Strip! Strip! Strip!" Emory gets hella upset, screaming at them to leave him alone. Gus eventually gets sick of this shit and rips off Emory's shirt. What the fracking frack? Gus is the weirdest.

Emory, who's a little bit on the chubby side, runs upstairs and puts on his jacket. Troy expresses his dislike of Gus's actions, then says to Justin, "Look at you, man, you're wasted." Yeah, wasted off of those two sips of alcohol. Justin's not wasted, he's just a dick. Why can nobody else accept the fact that Justin's a dick? Emory runs out the door, and Justin stumbles after him, because apparently he got more wasted in the last ten seconds or something. He's like, "Come back! You don't have to do it if you don't want to! I'm sorry!" Too fucking little, too fucking late, Justin. Then he adds, "It's not my fault!" BECAUSE HE IS A DICK! Then he throws up, because he's so wasted. Gah, this is pathetic.

Amanda and Busy are back in Dom's car. I guess he finally picked them up. Good lookin' out, big bro. He goes on about how wild their sleepover must've been, but they're so traumatised from the party that they don't say much. Busy tells Dom that they forgot to get the money for the pizza. Which is kind-of an unnecessary lie. The pizzas were cold, Chrissy was entitled to have them for free. Why is simply forgetting to ask for the money a better excuse? I don't get it. Dom goes nuts.

Emory is walking in the cold, and Amanda and Busy tell Dom to pull over because he's a friend of theirs. To quote Busy again, "Nice friends." They obviously care very little for his feelings, considering they were physically fighting to get out of going into the closet with him. They tell Emory they'll give him a lift, but he says that he'll walk. Dom tells him that it's cold out there, and Emory just turns around and keeps walking. End of episode. Yeah, I don't quite get it either.


I end this recap with a not-so-fun fact: According to IMDb, Jesse, Nilsson, the guy who plays Justin, is dead. Um, wow. That's kinda sad. Apparently he died in 2003 of pneumonia-related heart failure. And here I was all ready to make fun of his shitty post-RoN career, which is still a damn sight better than most RoN actors despite the handicap of being dead. So instead of snarking this tragically-dead-before-his-time actor's body of work, I'll just tell you that he was once in a movie called Teenage Space Vampires and let you do with that info what you will. Sound good? Okay then. See you next time.