Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part Two: Counsellor Budnick

Greetings friends, and welcome back to Camp Anawanna! Things are slightly different here than last time you visited. (And I'm not just talking about the site's brand new make-over!) You see, one of our favourite campers, the oddly Aryan-looking Jew Michael Stein, contracted a nasty case of teh chicken pox. Now I know what you're thinking -- terrible news, right? I mean, it definitely calls for a trip to the infirmary and some TLC from Nurse Julie...right? Right?! Short answer -- no. It's much worse than that. You see, his parents decided to yank Michael right out of camp and take him to Switzerland...because Switzerland has some sort of magical healing properties? Whatever the madness behind this method was, it doesn't change the fact that we have a new camper.

Yeah. Pinsky. Pinsky is exactly like Michael, if the word 'exactly' means 'completely the opposite of.' Pinsky is but a layer of mould on the yoghurt tub that is Camp Anawanna. (I'm sorry; I wasn't sure where I was going with that metaphor until the very end. I'm just as surprised as you that it ended up as 'yoghurt tub'.) Luckily, I've chosen an episode that features a distinct lack of Pinsky, because Pinsky sucks, and fuck Pinsky. You should've seen how annoyed I was upon discovering that the actor who plays Pinsky got to feature in that banned Leo DiCaprio movie, and I didn't. Again, fuck Pinsky. Even my spellchecker hates him.

Side note: my eBay-bought Camp Anawanna T-shirt arrived for me in the mail today, and I don't think I could be more excited. It's pink, which I know you think makes me a Dina, but ZZ did wear a pink shirt when the gang went to look for Sarah Madre's treasure, so the jury's still out on that one.

Since YouTube doesn't seem to have the first part of this episode, I'll have to recap it for you sans video. How can she do that without even watching it first, I hear you ask. Folks, I am just that good. Plus, I have a Camp Anawanna T-shirt now. I feel like I was there.


It's Upside-Down Weekend at Camp Anawanna, which means that, uh, well...everyone does stuff backwards, I guess. It seems that as part of Upside-Down Weekend, one lucky camper will get to become a counsellor for the next two days. Coincidentally, Budnick has been complaining extra-loud about what a truly shitty counsellor Ug is. And, uh, I have to agree with him. I mean, yes, the kids torment him like there's no tomorrow, but you know what? I don't even care. Ug is so unlikeable that I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for his plight. He's a pathetic little man who reminds me of every teacher I hated in high school. Anyway, Ug and Budnick agree to swap roles for the weekend, and to sweeten the deal a little, the kids will vote for their favourite counsellor (Ug or Budnick) at the end. Budnick reckons he has it in the bag, but Ug reminds him that if the Camp Anawanna counsellor handbook is not enforced, Dr. Khan will nail his butt to a tree. (His wording, obviously.)

Storyline B involves a classic struggle between Dina and ZZ, which is a nice departure from the usual Dina/Telly clash of ideals. Dina finds a frog in her shoe, and immediately wants to squish it. Greenie ZZ intervenes and saves the poor froggie's life. Dina calls it Wart Breath and pretty much despises it...until she hears of a plot-advancing frog race that's coming up at the end of the weekend. How convenient!





The video comes in at Budnick assuming his new role of counsellor. He even has Ug's hat and sunglasses on, which is a nice touch. He declares that with the guidebook and his natural Budnickness (or is it Budnicity?), he can't possibly go wrong. Famous last words. Flipping through the book, he discovers that he has the power to punish the other campers, which I'm sure he'll use fairly and indiscriminately. ZZ arrives with Wart Breath a jump ahead of her, and Budnick tells her that she's late for instructional swim. I notice that he doesn't punish her, but yells at Telly for daring to stand there doing nothing wrong at all. That's because Budnick loves ZZ. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. I know he gets with Dina shortly after this, but I chalk that down to bad writing. Spread it around. Budnick + ZZ = tru luv. Anyway, Budnick yells at everyone to head down to instructional swim, and Donkeylips grimly says, "I thought we were going to run amok. I'm just standing amok!"

The campers decide that the only thing to do with out-of-control Budnick (who last I checked only told them to go to instructional swim, but whatever) is to tie him to a lawn chair and play pranks. I can't wait to see what they do to him when he actually starts abusing his power. Of course Ug is the leader of the prank pack, because Ug is the new Budnick. Ug tries to order a pizza (step back there, Ashton Kutcher!), but Budnick catches them. One thing worth noting in this scene is that Pinsky wants coconut on his pizza. That's your cue to mock him relentlessly. Mock him, I say!

Budnick punishes the gang by making them fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a rather small bucket. Dina asks him why he doesn't just swim in the lake, and his response is, "Because fish fart in it!" Hehe. Budnick leaves them (unsupervised? Doesn't seem very counsellormanly to me) and the kids complain about what a dick Budnick's being. Sponge rationalises it by saying, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle says that." Because Pinsky has to make everything about him, he adds, "Budnick's a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that." Who said you were allowed to speak, Pinsky? Besides, I'd like to see you try. Telly also seems into the "pounding" idea. I hope they mean that the way I think they mean that. (With Pinsky, you can never be sure.) I would also like to point out that ZZ managed to escape punishment for some reason, despite being part of the pizza prank posse AND being late for instructional swim. Make of that what you will, but I'm about ten seconds away from singing about Budnick and ZZ sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

That night, the kids are all having pancakes for dinner. (On account of it being Upside-Down Weekend, I suppose.) Budnick complains that his pancakes are like cement. He rushes into the kitchen and finds that they have been made with cement. Well now, that's a dangerous little game. The campers go from ordering pizza to putting possibly-deadly cement in the pancakes? Talk about zero to sixty in no time. Apparently the prank posse also gave Dr. Khan the cement pancakes as well, for reasons I surely can't explain. Budnick demands the return of the real pancake mix before tomorrow morning, or he'll have them lick the fungus off the shower floor. Except, probably, for ZZ.

Later that night, Budnick is in the dining hall, doing taxes or something. Boy, this camp asks a lot of its counsellors. ZZ walks in with Wart Breath, and get this -- they have a heart-to-heart! Naww! This is totally a callback to a Season One episode where ZZ went to him for advice on a friendship feud she was having with Telly and Dina. (He may or may not have charged her for this service, but I think my point remains valid.) Budnick complains that he doesn't even have time for fun anymore, because "after this I have to help Kent Flankman get the glue out of his hair. How can anyone glue their hand to their head?" Apparently, Flankman can. (Spoiler alert -- it's not the last time he does this.) Budnick goes on to say that after that, he has to go convince Nancy Shermanoff that she's only dreaming that Freddie Krueger lives in her stomach. See, this is why I love Salute Your Shorts -- it's legitimately funny. Legitimately funny to the point where I, a grown woman, can't stop watching it, and even mail-orders a T-shirt declaring my love for it. ZZ tells Budnick that people only hate him because he keeps punishing everyone as per the book's orders, and maybe the book doesn't have all the answers.

Stupid Donkeylips interrupts their D&M by screaming about how Sponge has snapped and is squirting ketchup everywhere. Oh, and he's wearing a pink bathrobe. (Donkeylips, that is. I think it's got something to do with Upside-Down Weekend.) Shame, too, because I think ZZ and Budnick were really getting somewhere. Budnick rushes over to the boys' cabin, where Pinsky says that Sponge has gone to the dining hall to wreak his ketchupy havoc in there. Fuck you, Pinsky. Just...fuck you. Of course, when he gets there, Ug drops a bucket of pancake mix on his head. Aaaand...we're back to zero on the Prank Posse Awesomeness Scale. Ug gets points for being able to rig up that system so quickly. (He must've done it when Budnick was in the boys' cabin, getting an earful of bullshit for Pinsky.)

Back in the cabin, Ug is celebrating his victory. He tells the kids that he's been waiting years to get Budnick back, even though avid viewers will remember that he got him pretty good when he dressed up as Zeke the Plumber and tried to remove Budnick's head. Anyway, while this is going on, ZZ is training Wart Breath for the race. The winner gets to escape Camp Anawanna for a night on the town, and when Dina overhears this, she claims that Wart Breath is rightfully hers. ZZ reminds her that she was going to squish poor Wart Breath, and besides, she trained him to be the little froggy Usain Bolt he is today. Telly yells for Ug to settle the debate (Telly does a lot of yelling, in case you haven't noticed), but he reminds her that he's just a regular camper now and they ought to go see the Grand High Budnick. Pinsky convinces him to give them a solution as an impartial camper, so that's just what Ug does.

Ug draws a chalk circle on the floor of the cabin. Segue: I love how characters in TV shows just happen to have the exact things they need on them exactly when they need it. Like me, for instance? I don't have chalk on me at all times. I would really struggle to find a piece of chalk on the off-chance that someone wants me to settle a frog ownership debate for them, but Ug? Ug has chalk. He just...has chalk. Anyway, Ug puts Wart Breath in the centre of the circle to see who he jumps to...and he jumps to Donkeylips. As soon as Wart Breath realises that he's jumped into the arms of the one camper who could probably eat him raw, he hops towards the door, and into the arms of Budnick, who's still covered in pancake mix. Then we get this:

Budnick (menacingly): Who do you think you're dealing with?
Donkeylips: Casper the friendly ghost?

Uncool, Donkeylips. You were supposed to be his friend. Budnick responds that he's the "counsellor of doom." Boy howdy, that's one pissed-off ranga.





By the next morning, Budnick has everyone scrubbing the cabin floor, even ZZ this time. Telly and Donkeylips yell at Budnick (again with Telly yelling!) for the lack of amok they were supposed to be running, and Budnick explains that he'd be a bad counsellor if he let them do whatever they wanted, and they're really not giving him a chance. Honestly? I totally agree with him. He really didn't do anything to warrant the first round of pranking, and all the punishments he doled out where in response to that. The kids (and Ug) started it, really, whereas Ug the counsellor always seemed to be a prick who was just asking for it.

ZZ and Dina start arguing about the frog thing again, and Pinsky tells Budnick to take care of it. Ug brags that if he couldn't fix it, there's no way Budnick can. Budnick tells them that if he can solve the problem, the kids have to start obeying him, and they all agree. Dina assures him that the counsellor handbook he's frantically flicking through will tell him that she has legal claim to Wart Breath, but ZZ says solemnly, "I don't think the answer's in there, Budnick." Which of course is a callback to their D&M before, when she told him that the handbook won't solve all of his problems for him. Yeah, that's right, Salute Your Shorts is deep. Don't fight it.

Budnick draws another circle with a piece of chalk he too just magically happens to have on him. Is this just something they do, or is it Camp Anawanna lore to always have a piece of chalk on your person at all times in case you need to spontaneously draw circles on the floor? Pinsky decides to be a smart-arse and say, "Oh, joy. The brilliant circle test. This one's a gem." STFU, Pinsky, we all hate you. Budnick tells the girls to each grab two of Wart Breath's legs and start pulling them, and whoever wins the froggie tug of war gets to keep Wart Breath. Naturally, ZZ lets go immediately and Dina wins. As she's celebrating her victory, King Solomon over there tells her that she lost. Since ZZ couldn't stand to see "the little croaker" have his froggy guts spilled all over the chalked floor, she is the rightful owner. Aww, Budnick, I knew you'd come through for her in the end. That heart-to-heart really meant something to him, I can tell.

The kids are so impressed with the exercise, they decide to take whatever punishment Budnick dishes out for them. He tells them that all they have to do is go to the froggie race and watch ZZ win. They all skip off excitedly, except ZZ, who asks Budnick if that answer was really in the handbook. Of course it wasn't; the handbook advised him to give the frog to Dina. But since he loves her and knew that she was a better mother to Wart Breath, he totally rigged the competition in her favour. That may or may not have been his phrasing. He declares that he's done with the handbook and throws it over his shoulder...which of course hits Ug smack-bang on the head and knocks him out. Heh. Ug always gets the shortstick, and I love it.

At the froggie race, Budnick and Ug have a talk. I guess Ug's over all the handbook concussion. Ug reminds him that he didn't go by the handbook, and Budnick tells him that he's done being a counsellor. They call the bet a draw, even though Budnick is clearly a much better counsellor than Ug. Ug got lucky on this one. Naturally, ZZ and Wart Breath win the froggie race, and Budnick (back to his usual camper self) cleans up on his betting ring. Because Budnick's also a bookie, I guess. Ug declares his first act as counsellor be to confiscate Budnick's winnings for ordering pizza on his account, and Budnick gives him his second act -- to "take care of Flankman," who seems to have glued his hand to his head again. Methinks your third act as counsellor, Ug, should be to fucking confiscate Flankman's glue. Why somebody hasn't done this already is a testament to the fact that Budnick probably was the best counsellor they ever had.


And thus ends this fabulous Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama. If anyone from Switzerland is reading this, please return Michael immediately. We'll send you a Pinsky for your troubles, we promise!

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part 1: The Radio Call-In Contest

I have a confession to make: ever since Children of the Nineties reran her Salute Your Shorts post the other day, I have not been able to stop watching it. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, itching to see what the gang at Camp Anawanna are up to. It's a disease, I tells ya, and I gots it bad. It's classic 90s Nickelodeon, after all. And would you look at that -- another ranga bully to add to our collection. You see, kids, long before South Park was making fun of gingers, they fucking ruled the world. Gribbs, Calvin and Wheeler -- meet Budnick. I think you'll all get along quite nicely, as long as you keep those freckled faces of yours out of the sun.

In honour of my bandwidth-consuming new hobby, I've decided to bring you back-to-back SYS recaps. (Which I think calls for an 'o-rama' suffix, don't you?) Get ready for some serious Camp Anawanna fun times ahead. Also, in a strange coincidence, I believe I've answered one of the Google search term questions ("abc series summer camp red hair") from my Google Analytics post. Huh. Who'd have predicted that?

If your memory is a little hazy and you need a bit of a catch-up, I highly recommend you visit Children of the Nineties and meet the kids. Oh, but don't worry about reading up on Pinsky. He's a dick, and he's not in this episode anyway. If you don't have time or are just too lazy, I'll give you a one-word description of the kids regardless. Since they're carbon-copy stereotypes like all nineties characters, it's really all the info you need.





Bully Budnick is hanging out in his cabin when loser counsellor Ug comes in all in a tizzy. Apparently he has a hot date, and needs a little spring in his step. Since Budnick's the camp hawker, Ug knows he's got something good in his suitcase. Budnick gives him some home-made cologne, which Ug puts all over his face despite Budnick's warnings not to. Ug says, "Seems kinda unfair to splash this on, you know, being a babe magnet. This'll be like throwing gasoline on a fire." I doubt that very much, Ug, since you are, as your nickname suggest, ugly. It may be a ridiculously unoriginal moniker, but I'll be goddamned if it ain't true.

Time for the opening credits, which totally rule. You know it. I love how half of them don't know the words, the other half make up the words, and fat boy Donkeylips goes on some tangent about how his fishing rod broke. Oh, Donkeylips. As soon as I saw him in this clip, I recognised him as Monica's prom date in that Friends episode where Ross plays the Beverly Hills Cop theme song on his Casio keyboard. (Okay, that's not actually what the episode's about, but it's the highlight for me.) Also, I think he was in Dude, Where's My Car. Donkeylips gets around.

The boys are chillin' in their cabin. Honestly, how often do these kids just sit around doing nothing? Don't they ever have activities or anything? (Instructional Swim doesn't count, because Michael and Budnick didn't even participate.) Nerd Sponge is doing something nerdy, as per his character trait requirement, while the other boys listen to the radio. It seems that Giant Jim the DJ is one of their favourites -- Donkeylips regales us with a story about how he once did his show butt-naked. He says it with such enthusiasm, too. You worry me a little, Donkeylips. Sponge cleverly points out that it's radio, so he really doesn't know for sure.

Giant Jim is hosting a radio quiz, and asks the question: "What gland in the human body makes you mature and grow bigger?" Budnick reckons it's the mouth. Sponge tells him that the mouth isn't even a gland, and clearly he's thinking of the pituitary. Sponge is such a little know-it-all shithead in this scene. (Harsh, but true.) Clearly I'm not the only one who thinks so, because when Sponge snarks that it's not surprising Budnick doesn't know the right answer, Budnick threatens to pound him. Yeah, you go, Budnick! Average kid Michael suggests that they stop all the fussin' and-a feudin' and get down to some phone-callin'. They're going to call the radio station and win a hundred bucks! Oh, such fun!

Unfortunately for the Boy Genius and his blonde-haired Jew friend, popular Dina is already using the only phone at camp. She's talking to her friend about this absolutely gorgeous boy she somehow met while in the camp confines. The mystery boy even has the early nineties-approved "four Ps" -- ponytail, pierced ears, personality and a Porsche. Ew to the first two, but I wouldn't say no to the others. Michael cons her into getting off the phone by telling her that Donkeylips is using her bra as a slingshot. I find this really funny for no apparent reason, except that I'm really an eight-year-old boy at heart. Long story short, not only does Sponge win the hundy, he also goes into some sort of lightning round where, if he answers two more questions correctly within the next 24 hours, he wins a thousand dollars. Budnick and Donkeylips's response? "Pituitary power!" Heh. Pituitary power. We totally have to make that a 'thing.'

Hippie ZZ and lady sporto Telly are listening to Giant Jim's show as well, and they rush over to the boys' cabin to congratulate Sponge. Michael starts bragging about Sponge's genius, and dares the girls to ask him anything. Dina asks him what Madonna's first number one hit was, and of course, Sponge has no idea. (For those of you playing at home, it was 'Like A Virgin'. I can't believe they were allowed to reference that song.) ZZ asks him an INXS question, and Telly asks him a tennis question, and guess what? A Beautiful Mind over there knows nothing. He doesn't even know what Johnny Depp has tattooed on his arm! (Dina says it's 'Winona Forever', so clearly it was before the unpleasantness and the partial laser removal.) Telly says that if they cut the girls in on 30% of the G he's going to win, and they'll pop culture the little dude up.

During archery (hey, an organised activity!), Sponge and Michael contemplate the girls' offer. Michael very sagely tells him, "There are two types of questions in this world -- guy questions and girl questions." Well now, Michael dearest, that's awfully general. Who's to say that someone who knows George Michael's real name can't be a dude? In fact, I'd suggest that quite a few dudes have called out George Michael's real name before, loudly, perhaps in a public bathroom. But I don't know, do whatever you want. The two decide to take their chances and keep the money to themselves. With pituitary power on their side, how could they possibly lose?





Once again, the boys are sitting around, doing nothing and waiting for Giant Jim to ask his next trivia question. All of a sudden, Ug comes in and turns off the radio. Oh, and his face is blue. Not like, "Brr, I'm so cold, I'm practically turning blue!" Actual blue. It seems that the Eau de Budnick he scored off everyone's favourite mischievous camper actually had blue dye in it. Niiice. Budnick tells him that "the Smurf look is in." Oh, and how right he is, too. Just ask James Cameron. Ug puts the entire cabin on lockdown -- no one is to leave without his permission. But oh noes, that means they can't get to the phone! Say goodbye to the G, boys.

Suddenly, the batteries in the radio die. Heh. It's just not your day, is it, Spongecakes? It's okay, though, because Budnick has a spare set. With that comes this exchange:

Budnick: "I'll give you these batteries for 20 per cent of the jackpot
action."
Sponge: "You're not making money off my brain--"
Michael: "We'll take it."

The boys turn on the radio again, and Giant Jim is telling "Spongie" that he has four minutes to answer the second question -- what is George Michael's real name? Oooh, shit just got interesting. Sponge and Michael freak the fuck out and then rush over to the girls' cabin. They're still demanding 30% of the jackpoteroonie.

Sponge: "Oh, you can just forget that--"
Michael: "It's a deal."

Heh. Michael. Please don't ever go to Switzerland and leave us with fucking Pinsky for the rest of the series. Telly helpfully tells them that if they need anything else, just call them, handing over a ridiculously large walkie-talkie. Oh, nineties. How I miss thee.

While all this is going on, Ug is calling his hot date and cancelling on her because he's blue. "No no, not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue." Hee! I feel sorry for the Z generation. Have you watched Nickelodeon lately? I guarantee you, it's not pretty. While we're all going back and voluntarily reliving the kids' shows of our day, they're stuck watching shit made by the Jonas Brothers. There is very little shorts-saluting in Jonas, or so I'm told.

Michael radioes the girls' cabin and tells them that Ug's on the phone and they can't call the radio station. The girls provide a distraction by screaming loudly and then telling Ug that there's a skunk in the room. Just out of interest, is Ug the only counsellor in this joint? Because I'd think a female counsellor would be more appropriate. Then again, I'm probably just saying that because Ug looks like something out of America's Most Wanted.

Oh, and speaking of America's Most Wanted, it should be said that Giant Jim the DJ is taunting Sponge over the radio in a ridiculously over-the-top way. It's reminding me of the phone conversations the killer from Scream had where he taunted his victims before attacking them/gutting their boyfriend on the porch. I also doubt all this Sponge talk is making for interesting radio to anyone else listening who happens to not be Sponge.

Of course, it wouldn't be an awesome kids show if everything went to plan, now would it? After hanging up on Ug's girlfriend, the boys drop their quarter into some kind of vent, and their new plan...oh, their new plan. It makes me feel sick even retyping it. Michael finds some used gum on the phone, chews it (!) and then sticks it on the end of a stick, which they then insert into the vent. Michael, with your ten per cent managers' fee, please buy yourself some health insurance. (Side note: it's actually Dina's gum, but they don't know that and it's still gross. That phone's outdoors, for God's sake!) They get the coin, ring up Giant Jim and answer the question correctly. Huzzuh for gum-chewing Michael! What's a little hepatitis compared to a hundred smackeroos?

Telly's listening to the show with her headphones on, and Ug is running around the room hunting a nonexistent skunk with a tennis racquet. Poor blue Ug. Telly tells him that she just saw it fly out the window, so he can go now. Ug calls bullshit because as far as he knows, skunks do not have the ability to fly. Dina calls him a "big, brave man" and he gets distracted by her flattery and leaves. Bleech. Ug, please tone down the creeper vibe from now on.

Sponge has been listening to the radio intently all night, and by the next morning, he's hella tired. During breakfast, Budnick and Donkeylips just happen by. Budnick concedes that, "For the first time, I see that being a little scientist dweeb is a pretty cool thing." I bet Bill Gates heard that a few times after that whole Microsoft thing took off. (Is he still cool, Bill Gates? Or is it all about Jobs now?) Sponge thanks him for the roundabout compliment, but says that he's having doubts as to whether he can stay up listening to the radio any longer without getting some shut-eye. He questions whether it's worth his health, and Budnick helpfully adds, "Your health? Yeah." He then goes on to say that if Sponge misses out on that question, he's going to be very unhappy and may just "do things" to Sponge in his sleep. It all sounds a little rapey, to be honest.

Ug enters the dining hall and helps the creepy tone of the scene oh-so-much by saying, "Someone was very bad last night." Ew, what the hell is going on here? Of course, he's talking about the fact that someone snuck out of their bunk and made a call last night without his permish. I guess his girlfriend wasn't too happy about getting hung-up on. I wonder if it's Rachel from the Ug Gets Dumped episode, and the fact that I'm even wondering that means I seriously need to find a net nanny to block YouTube for at least a month. I'm really addicted, like, a Lindsay Lohan amount of addicted right now. Regardless of the identity of the mystery girlfriend, Ug tells the campers that they're all on "double probation," whatever that means, until one of them steps forward and claims responsibility for this heinous crime.





Budnick calls a meeting of the minds in his cabin. Sponge is so tired from last nights' lack of sleep that he literally can't get up. Pfft, Spongie Boy, you are such a feeb. Budnick finally gets him out of bed by putting Donkeylips's old sock on his head. Of course the fat boy has foot odour. That's not cliched at all.

What comes next is a cute little montage where the different stereotypes -- ahem, sorry, I mean campers, teach Sponge everything they know about their particular fields. Telly gives him some sports info. Budnick inexplicably finds himself an electric guitar and starts playing Metallica. Dina gives us an admittedly ill-timed rundown of the Coreys, including recently deceased Corey Haim. I guess it is pretty cool that he's now forever immortalised in a Salute Your Shorts episode, though. It's more than I can say. Michael, whose only character trait is that he's the "normal" kid, talks about Gilligan's Island for a bit. ZZ inexplicably finds herself an acoustic guitar and starts playing 'Kumbaya'. (I knew there was a reason I shipped her and Budnick! Look at the synchronicity!) And Donkeylips? Donkeylips teaches Sponge how to make farting sounds with his armpit, which I'm sure will come in handy when Sponge goes on to star in an Adam Sandler movie. This montage goes on for a long while, too, and the poor kids who can do nothing else except sing Kumbaya and fart with their armpits are forced to do it over and over again. Dina's bit's actually pretty cool to watch, as we get references to more Coreys and Tiffany. (She helpfully tells us that the singer isn't cool, but the store is.)

Even though his nickname is a reference to how much knowledge he can absorb, Sponge crashes and burns. ZZ tries to help by standing over his near-lifeless body and singing some more Kumbaya. Michael's head pops into the shot, and he pats her on the shoulder and says, "Just get out of here." Michael dude, you funny. Everyone else comes past and call him names, except Budnick, who repeats his freaky rape threat.

Michael (aka the good one) tries to rev him up by saying, "Show everyone you're not a little bookworm wuss." I'm sure that's helping, Michael. Sponge confesses that he's scared about getting the last question wrong, most likely because Budnick is going to go to town on him in his sleep, prison-style. Michael tells him he has faith in him, and Sponge gets up with a renewed sense of hope and determination. Pituitary power!

It's quiz time! The kids gather around the radio as "Giant Jim Jerkaroo" (as Sponge calls him) asks the question -- what colour is a giraffe's tongue? Sponge says it's red, then changes his mind and goes to black. Budnick's like, "Whaddaya mean, black?" I'm not sure Budnick understand basic colours. Sponge concedes that he doesn't know the answer. O RLY? You're telling me that a kid who, earlier in the episode was reading a book about molecular theories in fucking Latin doesn't know what colour a giraffe's tongue is? Michael and Telly tell him that they're proud of him for getting this far (a sentiment Budnick does not share), and Sponge says, "I'm pissed off that I'm not as smart as I thought I was." Whoah there, pally, that's some strong language you're laying down on us. Pissed off? Were they seriously allowed to say that back in the day? I can't imagine Alex Mack ever saying something like that, and she wore a hat, so she knows a little something about the world.

Just then, Ug rushes in with his boom box on his shoulder and his face ever bluer than before. I'm about to give him his marching orders to Pandora. Dina tries to explain why they're in the boys' cabin during lockdown, but Ug interrupts -- he knows the answer. A giraffe's tongue is black. Heh, Ug actually outsmarted Sponge! How do you say 'pwned' in Latin, Spongiekins? Michael, still unsure as to whether to trust a blue-faced, slightly pedophilic douchebagatron with their fortune, asks Sponge what he thinks, and Sponge suggests they start trusting Ug. Budnick says, "Now I know this kid's a moron." Bud, you win Camp Anawanna.

Speaking of winning, Sponge calls the radio station, wins the moolah and the kids all cheer. Suddenly, Ug comes on the line and demands the money for himself because the kids made him blue. Giant Jim asks him what he could be so sad about, and of course Ug's response is, "Not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue!" End camp fun, cue credits. Poor old Ug loses again. Pituitary power!


Next time: Budnick becomes a camp counsellor, and Pinsky gets ignored by me because he's Pinsky, and fuck Pinsky.