Eighties vs. Nineties Fight To The Death: Degrassi

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The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Time Tunnel

This is yet another first for ABC Not-Just-For-Kids -- I'm recapping a show I didn't watch when I was younger. Nothing against The Adventures of Pete and Pete; I just don't remember it even being shown here in Australia. And I definitely would remember it, because Big Pete was one of Kevin's brothers in the Home Alone movies. Nothing Home Alone-related gets past me. Nothing, y'hear?!

Don't worry, though, because I've been watching Pete and Pete on YouTube nonstop lately. It's got everything I want in a kids' show -- lots of bike-riding around town, a ranga, an awesome bully and a tale of unrequited teenage love. Let's meet (or remeet) the main characters:

Big Pete Wrigley (Michael Maronna) -- the oldest Pete. He's yet another cool ranga to add to our list, which is awesome, because that's only my favourite tag. Big Pete is usually our narrator, and every week he takes us on a Pete-filled adventure involving Pete. And sometimes, it also involves Pete. Little Pete, that is.

Little Pete Wrigley (Danny Tamberelli) -- the youngest Pete. He's kind of a jaded, annoying brat, so I don't have too much to say about him. Except that the kid who plays him was also Jackie Rodowsky in the Babysitters Club TV show.

Ellen Hickle (Alison Fanelli) -- Big Pete's best friend, and sometimes a little something more. She's such a sweetheart, even I have a little bit of an Ellen crush. Plus, she plays the French horn, and if we've learned anything from Freaks and Geeks, it's that Seth Rogen is hot for chicks who play brass instruments. (That's the lesson we were supposed to learn from Freaks and Geeks, right?)

Joyce Wrigley (Judy Grafe) -- the Petes' mother. She has a metal plate in her head. To be honest, none of the episodes I've seen feature very much of her, except the Mr. Tastee episode where she reveals that she and the boys' father met when he metal-detected her head at the beach.

Don Wrigley (Hardy Rawls) -- the Petes' father. He once found a car buried in the sand at the beach. Again, I'm not very well-versed on the parents yet.

Artie, the Strongest Man in the World (Toby Huss) -- a character I hate and only include here for authenticity's sake. I think he's a meth head or a pedophile or something.

Nona Mecklenberg (Michelle Trachtenberg) -- the slightly quirky neighbour. She's a friend of Little Pete's, and also, she's Michelle Trachtenberg pre-Harriet the Spy, so she gets an 'awesome' stamp from me. Plus, her dad's Iggy Pop. Seriously, Iggy Pop.

Endless Mike Hellstrom (Rick Gomez) -- the all-important bully. It wouldn't be a kids' show without a bully, and Mike really excels at it. I truly buy his commitment as the town badass.

Now let's get this recap started!

It's the last day of daylight savings time in Wellsville. (And, I suppose, the entire east coast.) Apparently every year on this day, the Petes decide to do something legendary with their extra hour, but this time Big Pete has something different up his sleeve -- he's going to ask Ellen Hickle out on a proper date to figure out once and for all whether or not she's his girlfriend or his friend who happens to be a girl. When he tells Little Pete of his plan, Little Pete reacts...well, let's just say he reacts. The words, "Kill me with a brick!" may have been used. This immediately (immediately!) reminds me of the scene Home Alone 2 where Kevin pelts the living shit out of Marv with bricks, which is coincidental because Big Pete was actually in that movie. To be fair, it's less likely to be a coincidence and more likely the fact that I can't stop thinking about Home Alone whenever Michael Maronna's on screen. God, I love those movies.

Big Pete has some narration time where he mentions that Little Pete wants to turn back more time than just an hour. I guess he's not ready to grow up yet, even though I sure would like him to. See, I don't like Little Pete. Not at all, not in the slightest. His antics don't amuse me, and the only reason I tolerate him is because he gets to hang out with cute-as-a-button Michelle Trachtenberg.

Big Pete finally gets up the courage to call Ellen from a tree outside her house. I had no idea cordless phones from the nineties could get reception that far away from its base, but there you go. Big Pete asks her out, and she nervously says yes. Aww, young love, blossoming right before our very eyes!

Meanwhile, Little Pete is getting ready for his trip back in time by wearing a mood ring (?) and eating a lot of riboflavin. (??) Nona's there, so it's okay. She's so cute, except for the tiny coffin she carries around with her. That's a little on the strange side.

In town, Big Pete's friend Teddy is riding one of those mechanical horsie rides they have out the front of stores. He appears to be enjoying it a little too much. Bill apparently bet him a dollar that he wouldn't ride it, but when Teddy asks him to pay up, Bill reveals that he actually said, "one doll hair." Heh. I'm so using that from now on. Sorry, Sportsbet.com, I actually bet twenty doll hairs on that footy game. Let me just go get my Barbies and settle up. Pete tells his buddies that he and Ellen are going out on a date, and they're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought. The boys decide that if the next car that comes along is a yellow schoolbus, it means the night will be a success. Naturally, Bus Driver Stu takes this opportunity to come by and give Big Pete a ride home. Wow, they're not even in school! Bus Driver Stu really goes that extra mile.

On the bus, Bus Driver Stu reveals that he and Bus Driver Sally broke up again. Dammit. I wish those crazy kids would just work it out. Big Pete begins to wonder if maybe this isn't such a good omen after all.

Little Pete and Nona are walking their bikes along the street, when Endless Mike comes by in his very own Mondale. Same colour as Brandon Walsh's and everything. Nona, who's the new girl on the block and doesn't realise that Endless Mike is who he is, tries to make friends with him. He responds by opening his car door and knocking her and Pete off their bikes. Wow. You know, I've noticed that a lot of bullies on these kids' shows are all talk, they don't really do all that much actual bullying, but shit, you guys. Endless Mike just knocked a little girl to the ground with a car door. That's pretty awful. And awesome. Not that I condone high-schoolers pushing little girls over, but way to actually be a bully, Endless Mike. I like your style. Anyway, Pete hatches a plan to use his extra hour to ruin Endless Mike's life and become a legend.

Big Pete decides to take his life into his own hands and ask Endless Mike if he can borrown his car for the evening. Surprisingly, Endless Mike says yes. He even gives Pete a lift to the drive-in after Pete reveals that he doesn't have a license. I guess Ellen will have to walk there, then. How chivalrous. At the drive in, Endless Mike gives Pete lessons on how to get lucky in a car. It involves fogging the windows up to create a "cocoon of love." The undertones here are subtle enough that they can get away with teaching Big Pete how to Zuko it up at the drive-in without too much trouble. Endless Mike's car even has a 'go' button that make the seats extend all the way back. That's a Quagmire move if I've ever seen one. Giggity giggity, Hellstrom. Giggity giggity.

Date night! Ellen arrives at the drive-in dressed in "a new vest and a nervous smile." Naww, Ellen. They talk for a little while about how weird it is that they're on a date, and do some more nervous smiling. (And vest-wearing.) Then Pete gets a little handsy and starts pulling the yawn-and-stretch move, and Ellen hurries off to get popcorn. Shot down, Pete. He decides that now's a good a time as any to prepare his cocoon of love, and tries to fog up the car windows by breathing on them. It does nothing. Way to breathe, No Breath. He eventually passes out on the car horn.

Nona and Little Pete, who've somehow snuck into the drive-in, attempt to lure the projectionist out of her little projection room to begin Operation End Endless Mike. So far, everything's perfect...except for the fact that Big Pete and Ellen are the ones in Endless Mike's car, not Endless Mike himself. A minor detail, as I'm sure he's not too far away.

Ellen returns with the popcorn and wakes Big Pete up. His recent coma was apparently personality-altering, and he decides to be Casanova all of a sudden. He even calls her "sugar love." Ick. Ellen complains that it's so foggy that they can't see the movie anymore, and he's all, "I know." Ellen suggests that perhaps they take this whole date thing a little slower, and Pete responds by putting on the charm and asking her, "Don't you wanna...know?" Know what, Pete? Is that 'know' in the biblical sense, because if it is...well, that's actually kinda awesome. I can't snark the Bible. Well, I could, but I'm not all that jazzed about the idea of eternal unrest, so...

Little Pete has infiltrated the projection room. He's pretty stealth for a loud, chubby ranga. He's shocked to see his own brother get out of Endless Mike's Mustang and head on over to the candy bar. Oh no! His plan! It's in tatters! TATTERS!

Big Pete returns to the car, and discovers that Ellen rolled the top down and destroyed his cocoon of love. Oh, Ellen. It's like you don't even care about all the trouble Pete's going to to get into your pants. Ten minutes before the movie's due to end, Pete realises that his window of opportunity is closing, so he presses the 'go' button and the two get horizontal. Ellen demands to know what kind of crazy shit Pete thinks he's pulling, and Pete's response? "It's the final test for us, Ellen. You hit the 'go' and then you know." Again with the knowing, Pete, you horny bastard! Ellen yells at Pete for a little bit, and then realises that they're not alone. Oh no, they're not alone.

Endless Mike's all, "Yo, I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by and see if you two were getting it on in my car." Big Pete is mortified. Little Pete is ecstatic that the victim of his time tunnel prank has finally arrivesd. Endless Mike tells Big Pete that his timing with the 'go' button was "tasty," but he's embarrassed at Pete's pathetic attempt at the cocoon of love. Ellen finally realises that Big Pete has been putting the moves on her the whole time. A little slow on the uptake there, Ellen. What did you think you two would be doing lying down in a car at the drive-in while he calls you sugar love and admires your vest? Ellen runs off, distraught, and Endless Mike slips into the front seat, apparently pleased with the way he ruined Big Pete's night.

Now see that, kids? That was some class-A bullying. It's simply not enough to tell the protagonist you're going to beat him up, or threaten him with a balled-up fist and suggest that his face needs rearranging. This was epic. Endless Mike saw an opportunity to destroy Pete's happiness, and by God, he took it. Endless Mike, you are such a legend, I can't even begin to tell you.

It's midnight, which means what, kids? Time tunnel time! Little Pete sets the clock back to eleven PM and the revenge plan goes ahead. He swaps the movie reel with one of Endless Mike's mother's home movies of him when he was a chubby baby, sitting on a potty doing his filthy baby business. Endless Mike, not happy at being ended, flips out and runs around the drive-in, yelling for people to avert their eyes. I'd congratulate Little Pete on his successful plan...if I didn't hate him so much. (And if I didn't love Endless Mike with an endless passion.)

Over the PA system, Little Pete pores his heart out about how unlike Big Pete, he can't forget his brother on such a momentous occasion. Big Pete remembers that tonight is the end of daylight savings, and Little Pete tells him that he has an hour to do something he's always wanted to do. Naturally, that one thing is Ellen. Not in a gross 'go' button way, though. Just in a let's-sort-everything-out-without-the-aid-of-Endless-Mike way.

Big Pete catches up to Ellen in front of her house and tells her that they can live the hour over again thanks to our good friend daylight savings. Ellen's all, "After what you did to me?" and Pete says, "I know." Hey Pete? Not the best choice of word right there, considering. Pete explains that he got lost in fantasies of the future, but he now realises that he just wants to be her friend again like they had been in the past. Aww, a thematic lesson learned. I love Nickelodeon.

Big Pete and Ellen say goodnight to one another with a friendly handshake. Then Ellen kisses him on the cheek. They they make out a little bit. Then Ellen goes inside and the episode ends with absolutely nothing being resolved, goddamnit! I guess Big Pete and Ellen were always meant for will-they-won't-theydom, but still. I need closure.

Meanwhile, Little Pete is riding his bike like the wind away from a crazed Endless Mike. How shit is Endless Mike's car that Pete can evade him on a pushbike? The chase leads him into the central time zone, so technically Little Pete got his wish and went back in time for more than one hour. That's actually a pretty awesome ending, even if it did involve Little Pete.

The Saddle Club: Mystery Weekend

(First, let me saythat while I realise The Saddle Club is very much a noughties ABC Kids TV show, I'm also well aware that many of you grew up reading the book series on which it's based, so I think it's all relative. Okay, now on with the recap.)


Because Australia and Canada seem to have so much in common, the ABC commissioned this pony-themes series about three pre-teens (Canadian-to-Aussie ratio: two to one) who, uh, loved to ride horsies. They rode horsies all day, every day. "But what about school," the more responsible reader will ask. School schmool! There's no time for school when there are horsies to ride! Set in the stables of Pine Hollow, Stevie, Lisa and Carole form their titular Saddle Club. Depite being seemingly ridiculous to the average-aged viewer of this blog (why do all girls love horsies so damn much?) this show dealt with its fair share of over-dramatised themes, from friendship to love to just how to cope when your favourite horsie breaks its leg and takes a trip to the glue factory.

I have a very small but very embarrassing confession to make -- I loved this show, even though it came out when I was like eleven and probably past the key age demographic. Really, REALLY loved it. I used to write my own Saddle Club fanfiction before I even knew what fanfiction was. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't a Mallory Pike-esque horse freak or anything. I didn't even read the books. I just adored loved this show. Looking back, as I have today, it definitely falls into the Captain Planet-inspired, 'we thought it was a good idea at the time' category. None of these kids can act, the characters are bland, and how is it possible that these three girls keep facing disasters every week? Falling off your horse is one thing, but falling down a mineshaft, getting bitten by a snake and plummeting off a cliff should be once-in-a-lifetime fare, yes? Not if you're the Saddle Club, it's not!

Let's do a quick meet of the characters:

Stevie Lake (Sophie Bennett) -- the Kristy Thomas of the group, and Canadian #1. She's kind-of a bitch to anyone who happens to not be in the Saddle Club, but she also holds the Mary Anne title for getting a boyfriend before all the other girls.

Carole Hanson (Keenan MacWilliam) -- the wannabe-vet with the dead mother, and Canadian #2. (Everyone else from here on in seems to be decidedly not Canadian.)While all the girls love horsies, Carole loves them just a little bit more, thanks to her late mother, who was a veterenarian.

Lisa Atwood (Lara Jean Marshall) -- the nice richie. Don't let her wealth fool you like it fooled Stevie and Carole that first episode. Lisa's down-to-earth and pleasant, and also a bad luck magnet for some reason. Truly. In the first season alone, she ends up being bitten by a snake, thrown down a mineshaft, almost killed by a bout of appendicitis, and goes into a coma. A freakin' coma.

Veronica DiAngelo (Heli Simpson) -- the mean richie. She's the girls' main nemesis, the smarmy blonde who needs everything to go her way. She also kinda looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, which is weird but I think worth mentioning, no?

Kristi Cavanaugh (Kia Luby) -- Veronica's lackey, and totally my favourite character. She was cool in her own right, though, and her main character trait was that she was in love with Red the stablehand. She, uh, developed a little quicker than the others, so she was probably a lot of the older brothers' favourite, too.

Red O'Malley (Nathan Phillips) -- the sexy stablehand. He's kind and sexy and good at his job, and...and sexy. I had such a crush on this guy, and I actually got to see him in the flesh once when he filmed a movie in my suburb. (He bowled at the bowling place where I bowl!) He was recast in the second season, but thankfully I'd stopped watching by then. Oh, and Americans -- he was the guy from Snakes On A Plane, the one who wasn't Samuel L. Jackson.

Max Regnery (Brett Tucker) -- the stable owner. He's a little bit strict, but generally nice as pie. And ladies, he really does make Red look like a boy. He was definitely the eye candy of the show for the mums/older sisters/Lorelai 2010.

Mrs. Reg (Catherine Wilkin) -- Max's mother and Pine Hollow's co-owner. She's the sweet older lady who, by the looks of her, squeezed out Max at the ripe old age of nine.

Phil Marsden (Glenn Meldrum) -- the guy of the group. He ends up being Stevie's boyfriend, but at the start is just a nice shot of testosterone in an otherwise female cast of characters.

Ashley (Janelle Corlass-Brown) and Melanie (Mariska Sieta) -- the younger girls. Melanie is Lisa's little sister, and Ashley is her friend who always hangs around for the cred. In the second season, Mariska was replaced with the more looking-like-Lisa-esque Jessica Jacobs, who actually died not long ago in a train accident.




Pine Hollow is gearing up for a special mystery weekend. Not to be confused with the overnight trail, which was last week's episode. Stevie, Lisa and Carole are checking out Phil's horse, while Veronica is checking out Phil's mate Greg. Nice. Phil and Greg walk over to the ladies and start giving us some exposition about how the mystery weekend is supposed to raised enough money to save their beloved pony club. A...a pony club? Really, Phil? You try and pick up girls by talking about how you're in a pony club? What kind of queer shit is that? To save Phil from any more questions about his sexual preferences, Max appears in a Sherlock Holmes-esque outfit, yammering on about how a crime has been committed and a horsenapping needs to be solved. Aw, jeez. My thoughts go out to Brett Tucker, who's actually quite a good actor when he's not whoring himself like this.

Credits time! See, this is where this show differs from simply every other one I know about -- the main version of the theme song is actually sung in the closing credits, while the opening credits are accompanied by a modified instrumental version. Isn't it usually the other way around?

All the kids are getting ready for their ride, except Phil, who tells Stevie that he's feeling sick. Cough*bullshit*cough! Ahem. Anyway, Stevie runs into some really snappy girl named Nia who acts all shady. Is this part of the mystery, or is she just it a bitch? That's the question you must answer if you want Saddle Club bragging rights. (I'm assuming you do.) Greg the random friend seems to think that it's the latter. He goes into Mrs. Reg's office where his father (the cold businessman type) is talking on his mobile. His dad pretty much ingnores him, because, seriously, kid's in a pony club. Clearly daddy dearest ain't exactly thrilled. Veronica comes up to Greg and offers to let him ride on hers and Kristi's team now that Phil's chucked a sickie.

Ashley rushes in and tells everyone in her little munchkin voice that her brand new saddle is gone as well. Gone from the room where that bitch Nia was loitering around before, too. The sociopathic Saddle Club decide that it must be a clue to the mystery. Carole's like, "Ashley was great. Those looked like real tears!" That's because they fucking were, Carole. How many small children do you know that can cry on cue?

The kids all get on their horsies and start looking for clues. So...is the plan just to let these twelve-year-olds ride around in the bush by themselves with absolutely no help or guidance or anything? Because that doesn't really seem safe. Did they not watch the episodes with the cliffs and the mineshafts and the snake bites? Stevie sees a figure running through the bushes, and swears that it looks like Phil. Carole and Lisa think she's delusional, or maybe it's wishful thinking. (At this stage in the series, Stevie and Phil have a sort-of Kristy Thomas/Bart Taylor relationship.)

Meanwhile, Veronica is trying to get up close and personal with that sexy pre-pubescent Greg fellow. Greg complains that his father only sees his pony club as a business deal; he never actually comes to watch his son prance around on a horsie. Greg, this is an easy fix: stop calling it a pony club and put on a copy of The Man From Snowy River. There's nothing more manly than The Man From Snowy River! He's a freakin' stockman, for goodness' sake! He has a hat! And a whip! Veronica and Greg try to out-deadbeat-dad one another, and while all this is going on, Kristi finds a clue in a golden envelope. Dang, Kristi, I knew there was a reason you were my favourite. The clue suggests they head towards the creek for the next one, and Kristi takes the envelope off the tree. Greg's like, "Sacrilege! How will the others find the clue if we take it?" Veronica tells Kristi to put the clue back, then takes it when Greg's back is turned. Not even true kiddie love can stop Veronica's Veronica-ness. It's oddly comforting.

The Saddle Club girls are riding around aimlessly, looking for clues that aren't there anymore. Stop for a second and think how funny that is. They're just wandering around in circles! It's awesome! Lisa finds some hoofprints in the dirt and think they're a clue. Hint: they're not, but it makes it even funnier that they think that. Just when the girls think they've caught a break, the bell rings and they're forced to retire for the night. Wow. Short mystery day.

Back at Pine Hollow, the kids are having dinner. Stevie approaches Phil and asks him if he's feeling better, and he acts all shifty and says that's he's not. Right, 'cause he's not up to anything at all. Lisa talks to Sam (a tertiary character there's no need to care about) and he complains that his group has hardly found any envelopes. Lisa's like, "What envelopes?" Heh. At least Sam's found some. Greg rushes in and yells about how his tack's gone missing. I'm not sure what a tack is, but I heard it enough times during my Saddle Club phase to know it's some horsie crap. (How helpful am I?) Lisa's like, "Ha ha, another clue," and Max is like, "No, Lisa, you insensitive little jerk. The clues are in fucking envelopes. You'd think you would understand this by now, seeing as how Sam literally just told you that."

It's time to hit the hay. Literally. The kids are all camping out in sleeping bags on top of haybales. That can't be sanitary or comfortable. Veronica is going on about how sad it is that someone stole Greg's tack, and bitchy Nia comes along and tells her that his tack was flashy and overpriced anyway. Way to act like suspicious, Nia. Unless of course Nia's actually a red herring -- then she's actually doing her job really well. I'd probably be stumped if I was eleven again and hadn't already seen this episode. Mrs. Reg comes along and tells them that it's lights-out time, and Ashley, scared that there could be a thief in the building, asks her to leave them on. Mrs. Reg's like, "Uh, no." How kind you are, Mrs. Reg. It should also be noted that Ashley's wearing a hat to bed, which is a little odd, no?

Lights out apparently means nothing for the Saddle Clubbers, who start talking about how screwed they are re this whole mystery thing. Lisa, ever the optemist, suggests that the hoofprints they found could be clues to the real mystery of the tack-thief. Hmm, I like how Lisa thinks. Are you coming last in your pony club's mystery game? Don't worry, just make up your own and win that by the default of you and your friends being the only people who know about it! Carole suggests that since the hoofprints were made by special horsie shoes (or something -- I'm failing in horsespeak right now, aren't I?) then it can't possibly be anyone from Pine Hollow. Steve suggests that Phil's the tack thief, and all the girl gasp. How dare she accuse her sometimes-boyfriend!

The girls go downstairs to look for clues. Lisa complains that the tack room's locked, so Carole gets the spare key. Whoah, check it out, Stevie -- Carole knows where the spare key is! By your shitty logic, she must be Phil's accomplice! They go into the tack room and Lisa, with a confused look on her face, announces, "Everything here's safe and sound!" Well duh, Lisa, the door was locked. It was locked up nice and tight until you and your friends unlocked it. The girls then go into Mrs. Reg's office and guard the (locked) door. Just in case that whole lock thing doesn't work. The second they fall asleep, a shadowy figure picks the lock and goes a'stealing, naturally.




Morning comes, and Veronica wakes to find her tack gone. Who could need this many tacks? (Unless they're like, disposable, but then I don't really see what the big deal is. God, I really need to work out what a tack is.) The Saddle Clubbers come see what all the fuss is about, and Veronica accuses them of stealing her tack. It seems that Nia saw them go downstairs in the middle of the night and unlock the door. Max tells Carole off, probably because she's black. I'm just saying. Stevie and Lisa come to Carole's defence and say they were all in on it, so Max disqualifies them all from the mystery weekend. Dum dum DUUUUM! No great loss, considering they were coming last anyway.

Greg is walking his horsie around the stables when Phil comes up and asks him why the thief stole his tack and not his bridle. Joy, another horsie term. I just know that it's all stuff you put on a horsie pre-ride. Greg admits that it doesn't really make sense, and maybe the thief doesn't know what he's doing. I'll say. While this is going on, the Saddle Clubbers are mucking out the stables. Whoah, so their punishment is to sit out the mystery AND shovel crap? Can a riding school even make their students do that? I mean, I used to take group keyboard lessons when I was eight, and I was behind my share of class disruptions, but not once did they ever make me clean the toilets. Anyway, Veronica comes along and tells them, "Max lent me some tack." So it's some tack now, as opposed to a tack? Is...is this tack they speak of shapeshifting? Can it spontaneously multiply? I should Google it, but by this point, my stubbornness has well and truly taken over.

Max comes along and ushers the remaining contestants to their trusty steeds. He tells the girls that he hopes he can trust them not to leave the stables until they're done with all the shovelling. Right, Max, because that's what I'd do with my prime suspects -- I'd leave them alone, unsupervised and with the knowledge of a spare key to the scene of the freakin' crime. Think about it, Maximilian. The girls seem devastated that Max is disappointed in them, and to be honest, I would be too. His 'disappointment' face is truly heartbreaking.

Phil comes by, walking his horse, and Stevie's like, "Hey Sickie, WTF are you doing if you're so sick, Sickie?" Phil tells her that maybe getting some air will help him feel less sick, and then expresses his disappointment that they're not in the comp anymore because he knows he didn't do it. And how does Stevie react to these kind words? By saying behind his back, "Of course he knows we didn't do it, because he's the real thief." Gee, that's nice. There's the Kristy Thomas in her coming out again.

In the office, Mrs. Reg asks Max if he really thinks the Saddle Clubbers stole Veronica's tack, and he admits that he doesn't. But they did go into the tack room after curfew, which warrants a punishment in his books. I like that Max actually has the nerve to punish his best students. All too often, a teacher/parent/horsie instuctor in the YA genre will give us some shitty reason why he can't possibly reprimand a certain invidual, even though the truth is that he simply likes 'em too damn much. (I'm looking at you, Mr. Collins!) In fact, we actually get this exhange, which I am quoting verbatim:

Max: Veronica's right, Mum. If it were any other students, I would have
disqualified them. I can't show them special treatment.
Mrs. Reg: Of course you can!

Mrs. Reg, for shame! I used to like you. In fact, Mrs. Reg looks and speaks exactly like one of my high school teachers, except this bitch I'm talking about had balls of steel. She was awesomely evil, and totally my second-favourite teacher. (I really can't look past the gay, musical theatre-loving Legal Studies teacher who fell asleep when we went to the supreme court to watch a trial.) But enough about me. Just as Mrs. Reg is singing the praises of the Saddle Club, they're sneaking out to find the real tack thief.

The girls saddle up their horsies and follow the strange footprints...straight to Phil. They confront him about being the tack thief, and he's like, "Seriously? You girls call yourselves the smart ones, and you still think it's me?" Lisa yells about how she can't believe he stole from the Pine Hollow peeps, and he has to reiterate that he didn't steal anything -- he's the one who's been planting the clues. Phil is in on it, y'all. Yell out if you didn't see that one coming. *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

Stevie calls bullshit on Phil's excuse, because why would he be going around on Day 2 leaving clues? Phil tells them that he's now trying to clear their name -- he thinks it's Greg who's stealing all the tacks. Just then, they spot Greg riding like the wind. I'm not sure what he's doing by himself without his mystery group, but there he goes. I totally remember how this Greg thing ends, because this was one of the episode I based my fanfiction on. I'm not going to tell you who the perp is, though; you'll just have to wait and see like everyone else. Or you could use logical thinking and reasoning to work it out as well, if that's what floats your boat.

In the ensuing chase, Greg falls off his horse. I don't think it's supposed to be suspenseful, because they've got this weird fruity flute music playing in the background. Carole rushes to catch up to his horsie, while Phil, Stevie and Lisa corner dear Gregory and take him back to the stables. I guess the mystery weekend's over, then.

In the lounge, Phil asks the girls how they could possibly think he was the thief. You know, if I were him, I'd be a bit more upset about their false accusation. Lisa's like, "So what about that chick Nia? Why was she acting like a heinous bitch-monster?" and Phil tells them that she was helping him hide Nickel for the mystery, or in Lorelai's words, "being a red herring." Hold on, wait...they actually hid the horse? Isn't that a bit literal? I'm not sure what the need was for hiding the horse, but okay. Max comes in and yells at the girls for disobeying his orders and leaving the stables, but they tell him (and Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad, who just happens to be there) that they caught the tack thief -- and it's Greg. Just then, Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad's phone rings, and Greg storms out dramatically. Because all this was about a little bit of child neglect! Of course! Stevie suggests that he go talk to his ne'er-do-well son instead of answering his phone, and suddenly Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad sees the error of his ways! Nothing like some hard truths from a twelve-year-old with an unkind face. Nothing really happens with this whole Greg thing, though. I guess he just gives everyone their tacks back and leads an unhappy, tackless life. Eh, whatever. Nobody really liked him anyway, except for Veronica, but she's pathological so she doesn't count.



It's time for the presentation of the mystery weekend trophy. Mrs. Reg announces that Veronica and Kristi are the winners, and everyone kinda groans and mutters under their breaths. Heh. The girls go over to congratulate their nemeses for plot contrivances' sake, and Phil (I included him in the collective 'girls' at the start of the sentence) notices that Veronica has a bunch of gold envelopes in her pocket, and the two get disqualified. Mrs. Reg decides to give the trophy to the Saddle Club. Fuckin' why, Mrs. Reg? How is that fair? They didn't even participate! And everyone in the lounge cheers for them, even Sam and Co. who actually found a couple of envelopes. The look on Kristi's face at the end there is pretty much the look on mine as well. Screw the brown-nosing Saddle Club, man.

And that's where this episode ends. I should make mention that this is actually where my favourite Saddle Club fanfiction started -- Red the stablehand (who wasn't even in this episode, but that didn't stop me) gets mad at Kristi for cheating, but then Sam falls off a cliff and she ends up saving his life and redeeming herself. I think Max may have even given her the trophy for it, too. Also, I'm embedding the end credits in here for you to take a look at, mainly because the song is bloody catchy and if I have to suffer, so do you.

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part Two: Counsellor Budnick

Greetings friends, and welcome back to Camp Anawanna! Things are slightly different here than last time you visited. (And I'm not just talking about the site's brand new make-over!) You see, one of our favourite campers, the oddly Aryan-looking Jew Michael Stein, contracted a nasty case of teh chicken pox. Now I know what you're thinking -- terrible news, right? I mean, it definitely calls for a trip to the infirmary and some TLC from Nurse Julie...right? Right?! Short answer -- no. It's much worse than that. You see, his parents decided to yank Michael right out of camp and take him to Switzerland...because Switzerland has some sort of magical healing properties? Whatever the madness behind this method was, it doesn't change the fact that we have a new camper.

Yeah. Pinsky. Pinsky is exactly like Michael, if the word 'exactly' means 'completely the opposite of.' Pinsky is but a layer of mould on the yoghurt tub that is Camp Anawanna. (I'm sorry; I wasn't sure where I was going with that metaphor until the very end. I'm just as surprised as you that it ended up as 'yoghurt tub'.) Luckily, I've chosen an episode that features a distinct lack of Pinsky, because Pinsky sucks, and fuck Pinsky. You should've seen how annoyed I was upon discovering that the actor who plays Pinsky got to feature in that banned Leo DiCaprio movie, and I didn't. Again, fuck Pinsky. Even my spellchecker hates him.

Side note: my eBay-bought Camp Anawanna T-shirt arrived for me in the mail today, and I don't think I could be more excited. It's pink, which I know you think makes me a Dina, but ZZ did wear a pink shirt when the gang went to look for Sarah Madre's treasure, so the jury's still out on that one.

Since YouTube doesn't seem to have the first part of this episode, I'll have to recap it for you sans video. How can she do that without even watching it first, I hear you ask. Folks, I am just that good. Plus, I have a Camp Anawanna T-shirt now. I feel like I was there.


It's Upside-Down Weekend at Camp Anawanna, which means that, uh, well...everyone does stuff backwards, I guess. It seems that as part of Upside-Down Weekend, one lucky camper will get to become a counsellor for the next two days. Coincidentally, Budnick has been complaining extra-loud about what a truly shitty counsellor Ug is. And, uh, I have to agree with him. I mean, yes, the kids torment him like there's no tomorrow, but you know what? I don't even care. Ug is so unlikeable that I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for his plight. He's a pathetic little man who reminds me of every teacher I hated in high school. Anyway, Ug and Budnick agree to swap roles for the weekend, and to sweeten the deal a little, the kids will vote for their favourite counsellor (Ug or Budnick) at the end. Budnick reckons he has it in the bag, but Ug reminds him that if the Camp Anawanna counsellor handbook is not enforced, Dr. Khan will nail his butt to a tree. (His wording, obviously.)

Storyline B involves a classic struggle between Dina and ZZ, which is a nice departure from the usual Dina/Telly clash of ideals. Dina finds a frog in her shoe, and immediately wants to squish it. Greenie ZZ intervenes and saves the poor froggie's life. Dina calls it Wart Breath and pretty much despises it...until she hears of a plot-advancing frog race that's coming up at the end of the weekend. How convenient!





The video comes in at Budnick assuming his new role of counsellor. He even has Ug's hat and sunglasses on, which is a nice touch. He declares that with the guidebook and his natural Budnickness (or is it Budnicity?), he can't possibly go wrong. Famous last words. Flipping through the book, he discovers that he has the power to punish the other campers, which I'm sure he'll use fairly and indiscriminately. ZZ arrives with Wart Breath a jump ahead of her, and Budnick tells her that she's late for instructional swim. I notice that he doesn't punish her, but yells at Telly for daring to stand there doing nothing wrong at all. That's because Budnick loves ZZ. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. I know he gets with Dina shortly after this, but I chalk that down to bad writing. Spread it around. Budnick + ZZ = tru luv. Anyway, Budnick yells at everyone to head down to instructional swim, and Donkeylips grimly says, "I thought we were going to run amok. I'm just standing amok!"

The campers decide that the only thing to do with out-of-control Budnick (who last I checked only told them to go to instructional swim, but whatever) is to tie him to a lawn chair and play pranks. I can't wait to see what they do to him when he actually starts abusing his power. Of course Ug is the leader of the prank pack, because Ug is the new Budnick. Ug tries to order a pizza (step back there, Ashton Kutcher!), but Budnick catches them. One thing worth noting in this scene is that Pinsky wants coconut on his pizza. That's your cue to mock him relentlessly. Mock him, I say!

Budnick punishes the gang by making them fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a rather small bucket. Dina asks him why he doesn't just swim in the lake, and his response is, "Because fish fart in it!" Hehe. Budnick leaves them (unsupervised? Doesn't seem very counsellormanly to me) and the kids complain about what a dick Budnick's being. Sponge rationalises it by saying, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle says that." Because Pinsky has to make everything about him, he adds, "Budnick's a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that." Who said you were allowed to speak, Pinsky? Besides, I'd like to see you try. Telly also seems into the "pounding" idea. I hope they mean that the way I think they mean that. (With Pinsky, you can never be sure.) I would also like to point out that ZZ managed to escape punishment for some reason, despite being part of the pizza prank posse AND being late for instructional swim. Make of that what you will, but I'm about ten seconds away from singing about Budnick and ZZ sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

That night, the kids are all having pancakes for dinner. (On account of it being Upside-Down Weekend, I suppose.) Budnick complains that his pancakes are like cement. He rushes into the kitchen and finds that they have been made with cement. Well now, that's a dangerous little game. The campers go from ordering pizza to putting possibly-deadly cement in the pancakes? Talk about zero to sixty in no time. Apparently the prank posse also gave Dr. Khan the cement pancakes as well, for reasons I surely can't explain. Budnick demands the return of the real pancake mix before tomorrow morning, or he'll have them lick the fungus off the shower floor. Except, probably, for ZZ.

Later that night, Budnick is in the dining hall, doing taxes or something. Boy, this camp asks a lot of its counsellors. ZZ walks in with Wart Breath, and get this -- they have a heart-to-heart! Naww! This is totally a callback to a Season One episode where ZZ went to him for advice on a friendship feud she was having with Telly and Dina. (He may or may not have charged her for this service, but I think my point remains valid.) Budnick complains that he doesn't even have time for fun anymore, because "after this I have to help Kent Flankman get the glue out of his hair. How can anyone glue their hand to their head?" Apparently, Flankman can. (Spoiler alert -- it's not the last time he does this.) Budnick goes on to say that after that, he has to go convince Nancy Shermanoff that she's only dreaming that Freddie Krueger lives in her stomach. See, this is why I love Salute Your Shorts -- it's legitimately funny. Legitimately funny to the point where I, a grown woman, can't stop watching it, and even mail-orders a T-shirt declaring my love for it. ZZ tells Budnick that people only hate him because he keeps punishing everyone as per the book's orders, and maybe the book doesn't have all the answers.

Stupid Donkeylips interrupts their D&M by screaming about how Sponge has snapped and is squirting ketchup everywhere. Oh, and he's wearing a pink bathrobe. (Donkeylips, that is. I think it's got something to do with Upside-Down Weekend.) Shame, too, because I think ZZ and Budnick were really getting somewhere. Budnick rushes over to the boys' cabin, where Pinsky says that Sponge has gone to the dining hall to wreak his ketchupy havoc in there. Fuck you, Pinsky. Just...fuck you. Of course, when he gets there, Ug drops a bucket of pancake mix on his head. Aaaand...we're back to zero on the Prank Posse Awesomeness Scale. Ug gets points for being able to rig up that system so quickly. (He must've done it when Budnick was in the boys' cabin, getting an earful of bullshit for Pinsky.)

Back in the cabin, Ug is celebrating his victory. He tells the kids that he's been waiting years to get Budnick back, even though avid viewers will remember that he got him pretty good when he dressed up as Zeke the Plumber and tried to remove Budnick's head. Anyway, while this is going on, ZZ is training Wart Breath for the race. The winner gets to escape Camp Anawanna for a night on the town, and when Dina overhears this, she claims that Wart Breath is rightfully hers. ZZ reminds her that she was going to squish poor Wart Breath, and besides, she trained him to be the little froggy Usain Bolt he is today. Telly yells for Ug to settle the debate (Telly does a lot of yelling, in case you haven't noticed), but he reminds her that he's just a regular camper now and they ought to go see the Grand High Budnick. Pinsky convinces him to give them a solution as an impartial camper, so that's just what Ug does.

Ug draws a chalk circle on the floor of the cabin. Segue: I love how characters in TV shows just happen to have the exact things they need on them exactly when they need it. Like me, for instance? I don't have chalk on me at all times. I would really struggle to find a piece of chalk on the off-chance that someone wants me to settle a frog ownership debate for them, but Ug? Ug has chalk. He just...has chalk. Anyway, Ug puts Wart Breath in the centre of the circle to see who he jumps to...and he jumps to Donkeylips. As soon as Wart Breath realises that he's jumped into the arms of the one camper who could probably eat him raw, he hops towards the door, and into the arms of Budnick, who's still covered in pancake mix. Then we get this:

Budnick (menacingly): Who do you think you're dealing with?
Donkeylips: Casper the friendly ghost?

Uncool, Donkeylips. You were supposed to be his friend. Budnick responds that he's the "counsellor of doom." Boy howdy, that's one pissed-off ranga.





By the next morning, Budnick has everyone scrubbing the cabin floor, even ZZ this time. Telly and Donkeylips yell at Budnick (again with Telly yelling!) for the lack of amok they were supposed to be running, and Budnick explains that he'd be a bad counsellor if he let them do whatever they wanted, and they're really not giving him a chance. Honestly? I totally agree with him. He really didn't do anything to warrant the first round of pranking, and all the punishments he doled out where in response to that. The kids (and Ug) started it, really, whereas Ug the counsellor always seemed to be a prick who was just asking for it.

ZZ and Dina start arguing about the frog thing again, and Pinsky tells Budnick to take care of it. Ug brags that if he couldn't fix it, there's no way Budnick can. Budnick tells them that if he can solve the problem, the kids have to start obeying him, and they all agree. Dina assures him that the counsellor handbook he's frantically flicking through will tell him that she has legal claim to Wart Breath, but ZZ says solemnly, "I don't think the answer's in there, Budnick." Which of course is a callback to their D&M before, when she told him that the handbook won't solve all of his problems for him. Yeah, that's right, Salute Your Shorts is deep. Don't fight it.

Budnick draws another circle with a piece of chalk he too just magically happens to have on him. Is this just something they do, or is it Camp Anawanna lore to always have a piece of chalk on your person at all times in case you need to spontaneously draw circles on the floor? Pinsky decides to be a smart-arse and say, "Oh, joy. The brilliant circle test. This one's a gem." STFU, Pinsky, we all hate you. Budnick tells the girls to each grab two of Wart Breath's legs and start pulling them, and whoever wins the froggie tug of war gets to keep Wart Breath. Naturally, ZZ lets go immediately and Dina wins. As she's celebrating her victory, King Solomon over there tells her that she lost. Since ZZ couldn't stand to see "the little croaker" have his froggy guts spilled all over the chalked floor, she is the rightful owner. Aww, Budnick, I knew you'd come through for her in the end. That heart-to-heart really meant something to him, I can tell.

The kids are so impressed with the exercise, they decide to take whatever punishment Budnick dishes out for them. He tells them that all they have to do is go to the froggie race and watch ZZ win. They all skip off excitedly, except ZZ, who asks Budnick if that answer was really in the handbook. Of course it wasn't; the handbook advised him to give the frog to Dina. But since he loves her and knew that she was a better mother to Wart Breath, he totally rigged the competition in her favour. That may or may not have been his phrasing. He declares that he's done with the handbook and throws it over his shoulder...which of course hits Ug smack-bang on the head and knocks him out. Heh. Ug always gets the shortstick, and I love it.

At the froggie race, Budnick and Ug have a talk. I guess Ug's over all the handbook concussion. Ug reminds him that he didn't go by the handbook, and Budnick tells him that he's done being a counsellor. They call the bet a draw, even though Budnick is clearly a much better counsellor than Ug. Ug got lucky on this one. Naturally, ZZ and Wart Breath win the froggie race, and Budnick (back to his usual camper self) cleans up on his betting ring. Because Budnick's also a bookie, I guess. Ug declares his first act as counsellor be to confiscate Budnick's winnings for ordering pizza on his account, and Budnick gives him his second act -- to "take care of Flankman," who seems to have glued his hand to his head again. Methinks your third act as counsellor, Ug, should be to fucking confiscate Flankman's glue. Why somebody hasn't done this already is a testament to the fact that Budnick probably was the best counsellor they ever had.


And thus ends this fabulous Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama. If anyone from Switzerland is reading this, please return Michael immediately. We'll send you a Pinsky for your troubles, we promise!

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part 1: The Radio Call-In Contest

I have a confession to make: ever since Children of the Nineties reran her Salute Your Shorts post the other day, I have not been able to stop watching it. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, itching to see what the gang at Camp Anawanna are up to. It's a disease, I tells ya, and I gots it bad. It's classic 90s Nickelodeon, after all. And would you look at that -- another ranga bully to add to our collection. You see, kids, long before South Park was making fun of gingers, they fucking ruled the world. Gribbs, Calvin and Wheeler -- meet Budnick. I think you'll all get along quite nicely, as long as you keep those freckled faces of yours out of the sun.

In honour of my bandwidth-consuming new hobby, I've decided to bring you back-to-back SYS recaps. (Which I think calls for an 'o-rama' suffix, don't you?) Get ready for some serious Camp Anawanna fun times ahead. Also, in a strange coincidence, I believe I've answered one of the Google search term questions ("abc series summer camp red hair") from my Google Analytics post. Huh. Who'd have predicted that?

If your memory is a little hazy and you need a bit of a catch-up, I highly recommend you visit Children of the Nineties and meet the kids. Oh, but don't worry about reading up on Pinsky. He's a dick, and he's not in this episode anyway. If you don't have time or are just too lazy, I'll give you a one-word description of the kids regardless. Since they're carbon-copy stereotypes like all nineties characters, it's really all the info you need.





Bully Budnick is hanging out in his cabin when loser counsellor Ug comes in all in a tizzy. Apparently he has a hot date, and needs a little spring in his step. Since Budnick's the camp hawker, Ug knows he's got something good in his suitcase. Budnick gives him some home-made cologne, which Ug puts all over his face despite Budnick's warnings not to. Ug says, "Seems kinda unfair to splash this on, you know, being a babe magnet. This'll be like throwing gasoline on a fire." I doubt that very much, Ug, since you are, as your nickname suggest, ugly. It may be a ridiculously unoriginal moniker, but I'll be goddamned if it ain't true.

Time for the opening credits, which totally rule. You know it. I love how half of them don't know the words, the other half make up the words, and fat boy Donkeylips goes on some tangent about how his fishing rod broke. Oh, Donkeylips. As soon as I saw him in this clip, I recognised him as Monica's prom date in that Friends episode where Ross plays the Beverly Hills Cop theme song on his Casio keyboard. (Okay, that's not actually what the episode's about, but it's the highlight for me.) Also, I think he was in Dude, Where's My Car. Donkeylips gets around.

The boys are chillin' in their cabin. Honestly, how often do these kids just sit around doing nothing? Don't they ever have activities or anything? (Instructional Swim doesn't count, because Michael and Budnick didn't even participate.) Nerd Sponge is doing something nerdy, as per his character trait requirement, while the other boys listen to the radio. It seems that Giant Jim the DJ is one of their favourites -- Donkeylips regales us with a story about how he once did his show butt-naked. He says it with such enthusiasm, too. You worry me a little, Donkeylips. Sponge cleverly points out that it's radio, so he really doesn't know for sure.

Giant Jim is hosting a radio quiz, and asks the question: "What gland in the human body makes you mature and grow bigger?" Budnick reckons it's the mouth. Sponge tells him that the mouth isn't even a gland, and clearly he's thinking of the pituitary. Sponge is such a little know-it-all shithead in this scene. (Harsh, but true.) Clearly I'm not the only one who thinks so, because when Sponge snarks that it's not surprising Budnick doesn't know the right answer, Budnick threatens to pound him. Yeah, you go, Budnick! Average kid Michael suggests that they stop all the fussin' and-a feudin' and get down to some phone-callin'. They're going to call the radio station and win a hundred bucks! Oh, such fun!

Unfortunately for the Boy Genius and his blonde-haired Jew friend, popular Dina is already using the only phone at camp. She's talking to her friend about this absolutely gorgeous boy she somehow met while in the camp confines. The mystery boy even has the early nineties-approved "four Ps" -- ponytail, pierced ears, personality and a Porsche. Ew to the first two, but I wouldn't say no to the others. Michael cons her into getting off the phone by telling her that Donkeylips is using her bra as a slingshot. I find this really funny for no apparent reason, except that I'm really an eight-year-old boy at heart. Long story short, not only does Sponge win the hundy, he also goes into some sort of lightning round where, if he answers two more questions correctly within the next 24 hours, he wins a thousand dollars. Budnick and Donkeylips's response? "Pituitary power!" Heh. Pituitary power. We totally have to make that a 'thing.'

Hippie ZZ and lady sporto Telly are listening to Giant Jim's show as well, and they rush over to the boys' cabin to congratulate Sponge. Michael starts bragging about Sponge's genius, and dares the girls to ask him anything. Dina asks him what Madonna's first number one hit was, and of course, Sponge has no idea. (For those of you playing at home, it was 'Like A Virgin'. I can't believe they were allowed to reference that song.) ZZ asks him an INXS question, and Telly asks him a tennis question, and guess what? A Beautiful Mind over there knows nothing. He doesn't even know what Johnny Depp has tattooed on his arm! (Dina says it's 'Winona Forever', so clearly it was before the unpleasantness and the partial laser removal.) Telly says that if they cut the girls in on 30% of the G he's going to win, and they'll pop culture the little dude up.

During archery (hey, an organised activity!), Sponge and Michael contemplate the girls' offer. Michael very sagely tells him, "There are two types of questions in this world -- guy questions and girl questions." Well now, Michael dearest, that's awfully general. Who's to say that someone who knows George Michael's real name can't be a dude? In fact, I'd suggest that quite a few dudes have called out George Michael's real name before, loudly, perhaps in a public bathroom. But I don't know, do whatever you want. The two decide to take their chances and keep the money to themselves. With pituitary power on their side, how could they possibly lose?





Once again, the boys are sitting around, doing nothing and waiting for Giant Jim to ask his next trivia question. All of a sudden, Ug comes in and turns off the radio. Oh, and his face is blue. Not like, "Brr, I'm so cold, I'm practically turning blue!" Actual blue. It seems that the Eau de Budnick he scored off everyone's favourite mischievous camper actually had blue dye in it. Niiice. Budnick tells him that "the Smurf look is in." Oh, and how right he is, too. Just ask James Cameron. Ug puts the entire cabin on lockdown -- no one is to leave without his permission. But oh noes, that means they can't get to the phone! Say goodbye to the G, boys.

Suddenly, the batteries in the radio die. Heh. It's just not your day, is it, Spongecakes? It's okay, though, because Budnick has a spare set. With that comes this exchange:

Budnick: "I'll give you these batteries for 20 per cent of the jackpot
action."
Sponge: "You're not making money off my brain--"
Michael: "We'll take it."

The boys turn on the radio again, and Giant Jim is telling "Spongie" that he has four minutes to answer the second question -- what is George Michael's real name? Oooh, shit just got interesting. Sponge and Michael freak the fuck out and then rush over to the girls' cabin. They're still demanding 30% of the jackpoteroonie.

Sponge: "Oh, you can just forget that--"
Michael: "It's a deal."

Heh. Michael. Please don't ever go to Switzerland and leave us with fucking Pinsky for the rest of the series. Telly helpfully tells them that if they need anything else, just call them, handing over a ridiculously large walkie-talkie. Oh, nineties. How I miss thee.

While all this is going on, Ug is calling his hot date and cancelling on her because he's blue. "No no, not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue." Hee! I feel sorry for the Z generation. Have you watched Nickelodeon lately? I guarantee you, it's not pretty. While we're all going back and voluntarily reliving the kids' shows of our day, they're stuck watching shit made by the Jonas Brothers. There is very little shorts-saluting in Jonas, or so I'm told.

Michael radioes the girls' cabin and tells them that Ug's on the phone and they can't call the radio station. The girls provide a distraction by screaming loudly and then telling Ug that there's a skunk in the room. Just out of interest, is Ug the only counsellor in this joint? Because I'd think a female counsellor would be more appropriate. Then again, I'm probably just saying that because Ug looks like something out of America's Most Wanted.

Oh, and speaking of America's Most Wanted, it should be said that Giant Jim the DJ is taunting Sponge over the radio in a ridiculously over-the-top way. It's reminding me of the phone conversations the killer from Scream had where he taunted his victims before attacking them/gutting their boyfriend on the porch. I also doubt all this Sponge talk is making for interesting radio to anyone else listening who happens to not be Sponge.

Of course, it wouldn't be an awesome kids show if everything went to plan, now would it? After hanging up on Ug's girlfriend, the boys drop their quarter into some kind of vent, and their new plan...oh, their new plan. It makes me feel sick even retyping it. Michael finds some used gum on the phone, chews it (!) and then sticks it on the end of a stick, which they then insert into the vent. Michael, with your ten per cent managers' fee, please buy yourself some health insurance. (Side note: it's actually Dina's gum, but they don't know that and it's still gross. That phone's outdoors, for God's sake!) They get the coin, ring up Giant Jim and answer the question correctly. Huzzuh for gum-chewing Michael! What's a little hepatitis compared to a hundred smackeroos?

Telly's listening to the show with her headphones on, and Ug is running around the room hunting a nonexistent skunk with a tennis racquet. Poor blue Ug. Telly tells him that she just saw it fly out the window, so he can go now. Ug calls bullshit because as far as he knows, skunks do not have the ability to fly. Dina calls him a "big, brave man" and he gets distracted by her flattery and leaves. Bleech. Ug, please tone down the creeper vibe from now on.

Sponge has been listening to the radio intently all night, and by the next morning, he's hella tired. During breakfast, Budnick and Donkeylips just happen by. Budnick concedes that, "For the first time, I see that being a little scientist dweeb is a pretty cool thing." I bet Bill Gates heard that a few times after that whole Microsoft thing took off. (Is he still cool, Bill Gates? Or is it all about Jobs now?) Sponge thanks him for the roundabout compliment, but says that he's having doubts as to whether he can stay up listening to the radio any longer without getting some shut-eye. He questions whether it's worth his health, and Budnick helpfully adds, "Your health? Yeah." He then goes on to say that if Sponge misses out on that question, he's going to be very unhappy and may just "do things" to Sponge in his sleep. It all sounds a little rapey, to be honest.

Ug enters the dining hall and helps the creepy tone of the scene oh-so-much by saying, "Someone was very bad last night." Ew, what the hell is going on here? Of course, he's talking about the fact that someone snuck out of their bunk and made a call last night without his permish. I guess his girlfriend wasn't too happy about getting hung-up on. I wonder if it's Rachel from the Ug Gets Dumped episode, and the fact that I'm even wondering that means I seriously need to find a net nanny to block YouTube for at least a month. I'm really addicted, like, a Lindsay Lohan amount of addicted right now. Regardless of the identity of the mystery girlfriend, Ug tells the campers that they're all on "double probation," whatever that means, until one of them steps forward and claims responsibility for this heinous crime.





Budnick calls a meeting of the minds in his cabin. Sponge is so tired from last nights' lack of sleep that he literally can't get up. Pfft, Spongie Boy, you are such a feeb. Budnick finally gets him out of bed by putting Donkeylips's old sock on his head. Of course the fat boy has foot odour. That's not cliched at all.

What comes next is a cute little montage where the different stereotypes -- ahem, sorry, I mean campers, teach Sponge everything they know about their particular fields. Telly gives him some sports info. Budnick inexplicably finds himself an electric guitar and starts playing Metallica. Dina gives us an admittedly ill-timed rundown of the Coreys, including recently deceased Corey Haim. I guess it is pretty cool that he's now forever immortalised in a Salute Your Shorts episode, though. It's more than I can say. Michael, whose only character trait is that he's the "normal" kid, talks about Gilligan's Island for a bit. ZZ inexplicably finds herself an acoustic guitar and starts playing 'Kumbaya'. (I knew there was a reason I shipped her and Budnick! Look at the synchronicity!) And Donkeylips? Donkeylips teaches Sponge how to make farting sounds with his armpit, which I'm sure will come in handy when Sponge goes on to star in an Adam Sandler movie. This montage goes on for a long while, too, and the poor kids who can do nothing else except sing Kumbaya and fart with their armpits are forced to do it over and over again. Dina's bit's actually pretty cool to watch, as we get references to more Coreys and Tiffany. (She helpfully tells us that the singer isn't cool, but the store is.)

Even though his nickname is a reference to how much knowledge he can absorb, Sponge crashes and burns. ZZ tries to help by standing over his near-lifeless body and singing some more Kumbaya. Michael's head pops into the shot, and he pats her on the shoulder and says, "Just get out of here." Michael dude, you funny. Everyone else comes past and call him names, except Budnick, who repeats his freaky rape threat.

Michael (aka the good one) tries to rev him up by saying, "Show everyone you're not a little bookworm wuss." I'm sure that's helping, Michael. Sponge confesses that he's scared about getting the last question wrong, most likely because Budnick is going to go to town on him in his sleep, prison-style. Michael tells him he has faith in him, and Sponge gets up with a renewed sense of hope and determination. Pituitary power!

It's quiz time! The kids gather around the radio as "Giant Jim Jerkaroo" (as Sponge calls him) asks the question -- what colour is a giraffe's tongue? Sponge says it's red, then changes his mind and goes to black. Budnick's like, "Whaddaya mean, black?" I'm not sure Budnick understand basic colours. Sponge concedes that he doesn't know the answer. O RLY? You're telling me that a kid who, earlier in the episode was reading a book about molecular theories in fucking Latin doesn't know what colour a giraffe's tongue is? Michael and Telly tell him that they're proud of him for getting this far (a sentiment Budnick does not share), and Sponge says, "I'm pissed off that I'm not as smart as I thought I was." Whoah there, pally, that's some strong language you're laying down on us. Pissed off? Were they seriously allowed to say that back in the day? I can't imagine Alex Mack ever saying something like that, and she wore a hat, so she knows a little something about the world.

Just then, Ug rushes in with his boom box on his shoulder and his face ever bluer than before. I'm about to give him his marching orders to Pandora. Dina tries to explain why they're in the boys' cabin during lockdown, but Ug interrupts -- he knows the answer. A giraffe's tongue is black. Heh, Ug actually outsmarted Sponge! How do you say 'pwned' in Latin, Spongiekins? Michael, still unsure as to whether to trust a blue-faced, slightly pedophilic douchebagatron with their fortune, asks Sponge what he thinks, and Sponge suggests they start trusting Ug. Budnick says, "Now I know this kid's a moron." Bud, you win Camp Anawanna.

Speaking of winning, Sponge calls the radio station, wins the moolah and the kids all cheer. Suddenly, Ug comes on the line and demands the money for himself because the kids made him blue. Giant Jim asks him what he could be so sad about, and of course Ug's response is, "Not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue!" End camp fun, cue credits. Poor old Ug loses again. Pituitary power!


Next time: Budnick becomes a camp counsellor, and Pinsky gets ignored by me because he's Pinsky, and fuck Pinsky.