ABC Not-Just-For-Kids

In Loving Memory: Actors Who Made My Childhood What It Was

2011-05-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a little something about myself: I am one of those people who adores Grease. It's one of the handful of films I can quote off by heart, and Kenickie just happened to be my absolute favourite character. At my school's year twelve Foundation Day concert, I went out of my way to be Kenickie. (Not such a difficult feat, as I went to an all-girls' school and nobody was exactly clamouring for a guy part except me.) So I was extremely saddened to hear the news that Kenickie's portrayer, Jeff Conaway, died today at age 60.

Last night I went to a football game where Olivia Newton-John was the pre-game enterainment. (She was wonderful, by the way.) It does bum me out that while I was grooving along to 'You're The One That I Want,' Kenkickie was dying, but them's the breaks, I guess. In honour of Jeff Conaway, today's post will be about the actors who well and truly defined my adolescence, all of whom have been taken too soon.

Corey Haim

Even my mother knew who Corey Haim was, which is big considering that her grasp of pop culture ended when people stopped giving a shit about David Cassidy. It does make me sad to think that we will never again have a complete set of Coreys.

Brittany Murphy

Oh, cluless Tai. Oh, interrupted Daisy. Oh, just married Sarah. After she died, I was surprised to learn how many Brittany Murphy DVDs I actually own. She's the favourite actress you never realised you loved.

Patrick Swayze

Johnny Castle lifting Baby up in the air like he just don't care is STILL one of the few movie moments my friends and I actually cheer about without the aid of alcohol. Whether he's yelling at Jerry Orbach for forcing his daugther to sit in a corner (the horror!) or getting all freaky-like on a pottery wheel with Demi, Patrick Swayze had all our hearts. Also, Roadhouse. Just...just Roadhouse.

Belinda Emmett

She may not have been internationally-known, but for a Home and Away addict such as myself, Belinda Emmett was a golden goddess who died when she was only 32.

Esben Storm

Anyone who's had even a halfhearted look around this blog knows my deep, unfaltering love for Round the Twist, so it should come as no surprise that I was devastated upon hearing that Esben Storm, the creative genius behind the show (and the guy who played Mr. Snapper) died in April this year.

Heath Ledger

I've said more than enough about my biggest childhood crush, Heath Ledger, in previous posts, but I couldn't compile a list like this without adding him. He taught us that it's okay for men to sing their hearts out on the bleachers in an attempt to woo soccer-playing feminist intellectuals.

River Phoenix

Talk about your tragic ends. River Phoenix was the super, super talented kid we first got to know in Stand By Me. Hell, I would've gladly braved those train tracks and that leech-infested water just to call him my friend.

Ashleigh Aston Moore

Now and Then is one of those films you saw a million times, because it was just that good. It told a tale of friendship, teen romance, naked Devon Sawa...and Moore's clueless Chrissie was a highlight for many.

Paul Gleason

Principal Vernon makes the list by virtue of being in The Breakfast Club, my all-time favourite movie of all time. In the film, he was a nasty-pants of epic proportions, and his portrayal of the evil antagonist principal hit home with many a high school student.

Natasha Richardson

She was the loving working mother of Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap, and I can remember really wanting her to be my mother as well. I also wanted to find my twin at summer camp though, so make of that what you will.

John Hughes

No, he's not an actor, but he occasionally did cameos in his films, so that counts, right? Doesn't take away from the fact that John Hughes was pretty damn important. He was responsible for the thinking person's teen movie. These movies had less to do with apple pie and more to do with socially awkward and downright weird teenagers desperately trying to fit in. He gave Andie a quirky fashion sense and a soft spot for cute richies named after major appliances. He gave Samantha a very memorable birthday. He gave Bender a tough childhood and a beautiful new love interest. He gave Ferris a day off. His films look and sound so very eighties, but in each of them lies a message that will go on speaking to each new generation -- you're not the only one who feels like this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Grease again. And I apologise in advance to my neighbours, because I will be singing. Oh yes, I will be singing.

The End Of An Era: Beverly Hills, 90210

2011-04-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

Before I begin the real post, I have to say that I have more 90210 news, thanks once again to Jennie Garth and her fabulous Twitter account. Congratulations must go to Ian Ziering, aka the real life Steve Sanders, and his wife, who welcomed a baby girl a few days ago.

Firstly, I apologise for my absence of late. Me being me, I have a bunch of excuses, which I will outline for you later on, but I need to get this off my chest. I am, after all, having a crisis.

I was too young for Beverly Hills, 90210 when it first graced our screens in the nineties. I caught a few sneaky episodes when my parents were out of the room in later seasons, but it was pretty much a "big girl" show, and little ol' me was barred by the powers that be.

Thanks to the wonder of DVD and my local library, I've finally managed to watch this show. No, not "watch." That's too soft a word. More like "obsess over." I'm hooked -- hooked, I tell you! I've fallen in love with Brandon, fallen out of love with Dylan, looked up to Brenda, been thoroughly annoyed by Kelly, hated Silver, loved Silver (more on that later.) I'm a true 90210-phile. And now I'm up to the final disc of the final season.

Sure, I haven't spent 10 years watching this show like obsessive 90210 fans of the appropriate age did, but this journey hasn't been a short one. In 2008, my library started collecting every season of the show up to season six, but being annoying and stupid, they broke them up into 2-disc parts and I had to borrow them individually, and trust me -- I could hardly ever get more than one of these parts at a time. I always had to wait for some schmuck to return it in order to find out what happened next. It was harrowing. I own a few seasons now, but still. Don't tell me I didn't put in the hard yards for these people.

But alas, I am almost done. It's almost over. And you guys, I'm sad about it. Empty. I mean, the show's nowhere as good as it was in the first few seasons. Shit, it's hardly the same show at all. So much has changed, so many characters have left, and so many have shown up seemingly out of nowhere, like certain ice-skating cousin/sisters nobody said a word about for eight seasons, but they're like a second family to me now. (Even the ice-dancing cousin/sister.) I can hardly believe that I won't be privy to their fabulous lives anymore. (And before you suggest it, let me say that I hate the new 90210 with a passion. That whole thing with Jackie Taylor, and Brenda coming back, and Kelly's baby daddy? Didn't happen. It's not canon. Just don't even talk to me about it.)

In honour of my final week as a 90210 viewer, I thought I'd take the time to share with you some of my favourite moments/characters/general 90210ness that I've enjoyed over the past ten seasons/three years of my life. Plus at the end, a bonus challenge for myself, and I suppose anyone else as insane as I. Are you ready? Here we go.

Although I have over 200 episodes to choose from, I have to make a decision, so here it is -- season three, episode 32: Commencement. I tossed up between this one and the prom episode, but this one wins out because of the ending. Andrea's valedictorian speech and Kelly's dad showing up and the ridiculous prank on the Hollywood sign, with the Triplets' 'Blood Is Thicker Than Water' playing in the background? So perfect. Perfecter than perfect.

Honourable Mention: Although I'm a purist at heart, I have to say that another of my favourite ever episodes actually comes from season ten -- Steve and Janet's wedding scavenger hunt. From the scavenger hunt partner-swapping to Dylan's onesie pyjamas to Gina and Silver's oddly-named lost dog. ("Who would name a dog Joan?" is one of my favourite Silver quotes of all time.) And, of course, the wedding.

Simultaneously the best and the most annoying showdown comes from season three, when Kelly and Dylan admit to Brenda that they dated while she was away in Paris. Brenda telling them where to go is priceless, but holy shit, the way that Kelly acts like it's not even slightly her fault? I wish Kelly could be a normal human being sometimes.

Honourable Mention: Dylan versus Brandon, even though his punch accidentally landed on Steve's face. I guess I just really like it when Dylan hits people. Hey, speaking of Dylan...

Picture this: Scott Scanlon has just died. Sure, most of the gang don't know him very well -- he was just David Silver's nerdy friend, but he's dead. (And despite the fact that he didn't go to Scott's cringeworthy birthday party the night he died, Dylan still sorta knew him.) Anyway, my Dylan McKay highlight is during Scott's memorial, when he quietly turns to Brenda and says, "I don't mean to sound like an ass, but which one was Scott Scanlon? When you told me what happened, I thought it was that guy over there. Obviously, it's not." Brenda goes on to tell him that he was David Silver's friend, and he was in one of Dylan's classes last year. Dylan, now utterly devastated, says, "Oh my God, that guy?!" I know it's not supposed to be a particularly comedic episode, but that exchange is priceless Dylan.

Honourable Mention: No. Nope. Nothing. It was going to be that scene where he comforts Kelly after she was nearly raped at the Halloween party, because I thought it was just the sweetest thing ever when I first watched it. Then I saw the awful Kelly/Dylan sneaky love affair, and now it's ruined for me forever. Look what you did, Dylan. Your platonic friendship with Kelly is retroactively dead now, just like your BFF Scott Scanlon.

This one is for the character who I believe truly embodies the 90210 spirit of always giving people a second chance, despite how badly they may or may not deserve one. And nobody exemplifies this more than prodigal son David Silver, who went from being one of my least favourite characters in the history of television to one of my favourite. Apart from Steve Sanders, who I love with all my heart and soul, Silver dearest is one of the few characters that I'm completely loyal to. Every single time someone fights with him on the show, I mentally take his side. Except when he was fighting with Valerie, 'cause I didn't love him then quite like I do now. That's right, you guys. I love David Silver. I can barely believe it myself.

Honourable Mentions: Gina Kinkaid. I had absolutely no interest in welcoming her to the 90210 family when she first arrived, simply because in my eyes she was a bastardised version of Valerie. She wasn't even good at being a Valerie, not like Valerie. Now she was the Valeriest. Anyway, I'm unashamed to say that as soon as she declared war on self-righteous Kelly, I was on Team Gina.

Honourable Mention No. 2: Clare Arnold. Because seriously, did anyone like Clare when she first appeared on our screens for the sole purpose of sexually harassing Brandon? I think not. She was annoying and stupid and so annoying. But then she got with Steve, and she changed him, man. She was the one who truly turned him into a decent, loving boyfriend. She led the way for Carly, who in turn prepped him for a child-filled life with Janet by letting Steve bond with her son whose name I can never remember but just know that he was totally the kid Nicolas Cage killed in Face/Off.

Brenda and Dylan. Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan, Brenda and Dylan. Just...Brenda and Dylan. Screw off, Kelly.

Honourable Mention: Oddly enough, Silver and Valerie. The only reason they didn't steal top spot from the oft-dysfunctional Brenda and Dylan is because my favourite incarnation of the Silvalerie union was when they were pretending to date again in season eight. They really rocked that headboard...literally.

I try not to judge too harshly, considering that this is the nineties we're talking about here. Everyone looked horrendous, but Donna...well, she just looked ever so slightly more horrendous than most. Perhaps if she had stopped shopping in the children's department and actually wore a decent-sized shirt every once in a while, things wouldn't have to be like this. Plus, she was supposed to be a budding designer, so I was all the more critical on her.

(Dis)honourable Mention: David "Mr. 180" Silver, because the guy had the opposite problem to Donna -- everything he owned, even his suits, was at least two sizes too big for him. And not in a cool nineties sort of way. In a he-most-likely-has-some-type-of-body-dysmorphia way. How I still love him regardless of this flaw is baffling.

Aw heck, let's just give it to Steve and Andrea. I'm well aware that they would've been terrible together, but surely after that sexually-charged SAT prep session in season one and their sexually-charged egg exchange in season two, surely you were at least curious? *Crickets* Just me then? Oookay. Awkward.

Honourable Mention: Noah and Gina. I tend to not really like either of them when they're not actively pissing off Kelly, but there's something about them together that just feels right. Gina knew it. She totally wanted to gets in them finely-pressed Hunter slacks, but alas, it wasn't to be.

I want to say Kelly, I really do. If we were still in season six, I would say heck yes, Brandon and Kelly all the way. After all, they were so cute, and he was so not Dylan, which was perfect for her. But that got pretty old pretty quickly, didn't it? I guess I'm going to have to go out on a limb and pick the lovely Susan Keats, played by the future Mrs. Anya Jenkins herself, Emma Caulfield. They were incredibly well-suited to one another -- at least, before her hasty exit. And who do they replace her with? Some random wannabe journalist named Tracy who looked exactly like Susan. Don't even get me started.

Honourable Mention: Okay, I'll give it to Kelly.

At first I thought this was going to be a toughie, what with the multitude of examples that immediately sprung to mind, but it was actually a lot easier than that to choose the winner. You see, I watch soap operas. I can handle my share of bullshit. Cousins turning out to be sisters? Fine. Fathers coming back from the dead? No probs; I hear they do it all the time. The one storyline I could absolutely not swallow no matter how hard I tried, though, was Dylan discovering that he and Kelly knew each other in a past life. He was a cowboy, you say, scriptwriters? They were in the Wild West? Nope, sorry, not buying it. And coming from me, that's saying something.

Honourable Mention: Steve and Janet being taken hostage at the Beverly Beat office by a butcher who'd captured a midget he thought was a leprechaun, and demanding his pot of gold. I was sure that I'd never take the show seriously after that. I mean, it is the circle of television life, after all. Fonzie jumped a shark, Steve and Janet had an armed butcher try to exchange a dwarf at a newspaper office. In the end they all learned a lesson, though, so it was okay.

Okay, now for the bonus round. I mentioned earlier that I had a lot of excuses as to why I haven't posted here for a while, but here's my most valid one -- I have been working a lot lately to fund my first ever overseas trip, and guess where I'm going? The United States. Including Los Angeles. And you know what else had a happy life over in Los Angeles, don't you? Why, Beverly Hills, 90210, naturally! So here's my challenge to myself: in honour of my fantasy BFF Steve Sanders and his real-life TV wife Janet, I'm doing my very own scavenger hunt of 90210 locations. Yes, with the assistance of my dear friend Google, I plan to find at least six locations actually used in the show. They are, in no particular order:

--The Walsh House. Because no 90210 pilgrimage is complete without visiting this ol' chestnut.
--Dylan's House. I've heard that they actually filmed in this house for the entire second season before building a replica on their soundstage. Luke Perry stood in their shower. Must. Go. There. (Not to the shower, though, because that would be creepy.)
--Carly/David's White House With Blue Trim. Just in case the little kid from Face/Off is still around, because if I can convince anyone to introduce me to John Travolta, I feel like it might be him.
--Donna and Kelly's Beach Apartment. I have to know if it's still that horrible blue colour in real life.
--West Beverly High, aka Sunnydale High, Rancho Carne High, John Hughes High, Paul Walker Is A Douchebag High and whatever it was called in Whatever It Takes.
--The Peach Pit. No explanation necessary.

Wish me happy hunting, y'all, and see you in Beverly Hills!

Eighties vs. Nineties Fight To The Death: Degrassi

2011-01-31T19:37:00.000-08:00

Ah, the Degrassi school. A sacred Canadian place. A place where different stereotypes came to interact with one another. A place where even the most trite teen problems evolved into a stretched-out saga of Dynasty proportions. A place of miracles.

The late eighties gave us Degrassi Junior High and later, Degrassi High. It seemed as though there were more heavy-handed issues than actual students at that damn place, but it was entertaining no less. True story: my mother likes to tell me about how I was obsessed with watching Degrassi Junior High when I was two. Two years old. I don't know why she just didn't switch off the bloody TV -- two-year-olds generally don't understand...anything, and here I was, not old enough to use a toilet but somehow adept at convincing my mother that this show was something I needed in my life. I was probably just mesmerised by all the hair. They did have an awful lot of it in those days.

Degrassi: The Next Generation picks up 15-odd years later, with the illegitimate lovechild of two of the original Degrassi teens now old enough to start junior high herself. Basically, it was a show that encompassed the crazy adolescent problems of the eighties, but experienced by new characters. Oh wait, why am I using the past tense? The show's still going. It's been going for ten freakin' seasons, and it doesn't look like stopping anytime soon. I watched the first couple of seasons of Next Gen when I was in high school, but outgrew it soon after...although here I am, ten years later, watching the reruns on ABC3 every night I possibly can.

Instead of recapping episodes for you, I'm putting the eighties versions of Degrassi (Degrassi Junior High and Degrassi High, which featured most of the same characters) up against the current reincarnation in another Fight to the Death. There will be blood. Oh yes, there will be blood.

Best Band

Eighties Degrassi: Two words -- Zit Remedy. Joey Jeremiah's band was pretty much the only one at Degrassi, but they had tapes and everything. Tapes, you guys. Plus, they had a gig. Sure, it was the school graduation dance, but a gig's a gig. I bet there were groupies involved.

Noughties Degrassi: Next Gen had three bands that I can think of -- Craig and Ashley's band Downtown Sasquatch (which actually had a record deal for about three seconds), Paige and Ashley's all-girl band Paige Michalchuck and the Sexkittens (also known as PMS -- fun with acronyms!) and Ashley's other band Hell Hath No Fury. Clealy, there's a pattern forming here. Perhaps Ashley's music career would've gone somewhere had she stuck to just the one band. She's like an unsuccessful Dave Grohl.

The Winner: The most likely reason that there were so many bands in Next Gen (apart from Ashley's overzealousness, of course) is that the writers saw the popularity of Zit Remedy and went, "Hells yeah, let's do that again, as many times as possible." So Zit Remedy wins, although Downtown Sasquatch gets an honourable mention.

Because really, what could that mean?!

Cheatingest Cheater

Eighties Degrassi: Joey Jeremiah spent the first few years of his Degrassi life desperately trying to get a girl, any girl, to go out with him. (Bonus points if it was Stephanie Kaye.) After scooping up everyone's favourite character Caitlin, he proceeded to cheat on her with town bike Tessa Campinelli. Which is just Not Cool. Why would you cheat on Caitlin? She was so adorable! Not Cool, Joey. Not. Cool.

Noughties Degrassi: Craig and Ashley started dating after Ashley took an ecstasy pill and alienated all her popular friends. After Ashley refused to have sex with him, Craig (who by no coincidence is Joey Jeremiah's stepson) not only began a torrid affair with the town bike Manny, but also impregnated the hell out of her.

The Winner: Craig, that fertile turtle. Banging the town bike is pretty much the easiest thing in the world to do, but it takes a special, irresponsible sort of someone to knock her up in the process. In fairness to Craig, though, he probably learned his cheating ways from Ashley, who never managed to stay faithful to her bands.

Whose band did you wake up in this morning, Ashley, huh? Huh?

Best Fall From Grace

Eighties Degrassi: Surprisingly, there's a lack of 'good girls gone bad' in early Degrassi. Sure, Spike got pregnant on her first go-around with Shane, but she was a rock chick with spiky, bleached-blonde hair! There's nothing 'good' about a rock chick with spiky, bleached-blonde hair!
So we'll have to look to the boys to fill our Fall From Grace category, and who better to fill it than poor old Wheels? Wheels started off as a relatively cool guy -- after all, he planned to have sex with the famous Stephanie Kaye, and would've too, had he not tried to buy the condoms from her mother's pharmacy. Things for Wheels started to go bad when he got nerdy glasses (THE SHAME!) and began his new life as a petty criminal, stealing videogames and whatnot. The real fun came when he got into a drunk-driving accident -- killing some innocent kid and paralysing his passenger, Lisa. I do enjoy the irony of a kid nicknamed Wheels not being able to control his, but I don't think Lisa's laughing with me.

Noughties Degrassi: Anyone who watched the early years of Next Gen knows that Emma Nelson was the high and mighty, morally correct character that you desperately wanted to smack upside the head. So preachy, so unnecessarily bitchy. And she was supposed to be the nice character. Imagine everyone's surprise when, in season four, Emma did something no good girls at Degrassi ever do -- she went out with a 'bad boy' named Jay! Gasp! And she...wait for it...gave him a blowjob! Double gasp! And, after all the fun oral sex was over with, got a nice case of gonorrhea out of it! Gasp to end all gasps! For some reason, I can't think of this storyline without laughing hysterically -- that is the power of my Emma hatred, people. I'd tell her to suck it, but it seems she already did that.

The Winner: Emma and her escapades with Jay at the ravine, hands down. Sure, nobody died or got paralysed, but there's something so satisfying about pious Emma being talked into sneaky blowjobs in a public place, isn't there? Plus, Jay actually used the word 'blowjob,' which is just the most scandalous thing I think I've ever heard. Do you know how many teen shows get to actually use the word 'blowjob?" Not a one.

At least he lit some candles first.

Best Blonde

Eighties Degrassi: Boy, there were a lot of blondes at Degrass in the eighties! Stephanie Kaye was the token popular blonde, Spike was the awesome bleached-blonde, Simon and Alexa were the gorgeous blonde couple everyone wanted to get in on, even adorable Caitlin had a Rayanne Graff-esque blonde streak...so many choices, so little time.

Noughties Degrassi: The only blonde that counted in Next Gen Degrassi was the incomparable Paige Michalchuck, the Stephanie Kaye of the new era. Sure, there was Emma, but fuck Emma, okay? The world does not revolve around stupid Emma.

The Winner: Paige. She was the only one who truly embraced her blondeness, and everything that goes along with it. Sorry, Stephanie Kaye, but those streetwalker outfits you used to wear really lost you points on this one. That is not the way of a true blonde, sweetheart.

True blondes wear pink.

Best Shit-Hits-The-Fan Episode

Eighties Degrassi: The fact is, in whatever sad part of Canada we're in, it seems that shit is constantly hitting the fan. Every episode brings up some awful new drama, so we have a few to choose from. The most dramatic episode is probably the one from Degrassi High where Caitlin's douchey boyfriend killed himself. Before you slam me for being so cruel to the dead, let me remind you that A) his name was Claude, and he pronounced it werid, B) he dressed like the lovechild of a Toulouse Lautrec and an eighties rent boy, and C) he was a douche even after death. After his parents divorced and he had some relationship troubles, Claude took himself to the school bathroom and blew his brains out with what was possibly the quietest gun ever, since no-one seemed to hear it and people only realised Claude was dead when Snake went to take a leak and found a corpse on the floor. Poor old Snake was scarred for life by this discovery, and a few days later Caitlin received a posthumous letter from Claude telling her in no uncertain terms that his suicide was all her fault. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...a douche.

Noughties Degrassi: You know it's a shit-hits-the-fan Next Gen episode when it's a two-parter. Paige's rape was one. Manny's pregnancy was one. Marco's sexual awakening was one.
The most jaw-dropping episode of noughties Degrassi was probably 'Time Stands Still.' Rick, who has just returned to school after being suspended for beating his popular girlfriend, was getting dumped on something fierce by everyone at Degrassi, especially said girlfriend's buddies. Even Emma hated him for an episode, before her future love rat Jay pummeled him and she randomly decided to be his friend. After Jay and Spinner went all Carrie-at-the-prom on Rick and dumped paint and feathers on him, Rick returned to school with a handgun, shot Jimmy and tried to shoot Emma. (It's actually a good thing she didn't die, because her grief after the shooting directly resulted in the awesome Emma/Jay blowjob fiasco.) Since school shootings were all the rage in the media back then, it was the highest rating episode ever, followed closely by...you guessed it...Blowjobgate.

The Winner: While the school shooting was pretty damn good, I'm giving it to Douche!Claude and his dramatic suicide. Never before has a Degrassi character been such a downright wanker from beyond the grave.

Also nominated: Sean's eyebrows.

Best Feat of Disproportionate Retribution

Eighties Degrassi: In this one, the people dishing out the nice cold dish of revenge soup were actually the writers. See, Duane was a bully. There's no other word for what he was, and the karma? Karma don't much like bullies, you guys. God gave Duane a good, hard bitch-slap by giving him HIV. Full-blown HIV. I'm not sure how successful a deterrant these episodes were, since TV show punishments generally have something to do with the actual crime (ie sex leads to pregnancy, blowjobs lead to mouth gonorrhea etc.) but Duane certainly learned his lesson -- he and his regular victim, Joey Jeremiah, ended up getting a long pretty well afterwards.

Naughties Degrassi: Hmm, where to start. There was the episode where, after being given a single detention, Jimmy and Spinner harassed their teacher and vandalised her car to the point where she had a nervous breakdown. That's definitely something. Could it be the episode where Spinner treated his girlfriend like crap at her minumum-wage jobs in order to pay for damage to his car? Possibly. Spinner being a dick to Marco when he came out? Eh. Or how about the time Spinner inadvertently caused his buddy Jimmy's shooting after telling Rick that Jimmy was responsible for his public humiliation? No matter which of these things you think is the most unnecessarily cruel, I think we can all agree that Spinner is a monumental arsehole. He makes Claude look like Snow freakin' White.

The Winner: Sorry, Spin, but you can't beat 80s-era AIDS, no matter how hard you try.

Also, Duane looks like Jonah Hill.

Best Couple

Eighties Degrassi: Joey and Caitlin. Why, you ask? Because Joey Jeremiah was the most likeable character in the show -- for years, he could do no wrong, not even when he tormented Melanie for having a flat chest. And Caitlin? Was so freakin' adorable. Seriously. I just want to put her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me. So Joey + Caitlin = magic. That's just maths, you guys. That's all it is.

Naughties Degrassi: Paige and Spinner. He was a bit of a bully, she was a popular bitch. It was a match made in heaven until it all went to hell. Honourable mention goes to Jay and Emma, but I can't in good conscience shortlist them since I'm pretty sure my love for this hook-up stems from the fact that I know what's going to happen, and it's too freakin' funny. Still, the pre-gonorrhea flirting was a bit of fun.

The Winner: Joey and Caitlin, who actually got together as adults in Next Gen as well. Love that lasts two reincarnations of the same show will always win out over a couple who couldn't go the distance for four measly seasons, or a couple who give each other STDs.

See? Adorable!

Best Bad Boy

Eighties Degrassi: Clutch. Last name unknown. And first name, probably, unless his mother really did name him Clutch. Clutch was famous for driving a sparkly car (which is not an accurate measure of his badassedness) and his itsy bitsy teenage alcoholism problem. Honestly, though, Clutch was kind of a weak baddie. By the end, even Wheels was more badarse than Clutch.

Naughties Degrassi: Jay 'Ask Me About My STD' Hogart. He turned pseudo bad boy Sean into a petty criminal who ignored his then-girlfriend Emma. (One point for crimes against Emma.) Then he got Sean to steal Emma's dying stepfather's computer. (That's two.) He was king of the ravine, where the bad kids go to get nekkid, even 'branding' his conquests by giving them coloured bracelets as prizes for whichever sexual act they perform on him. You'd better believe that Emma got one of those. (That's three.) Plus, he gave all those girls gonohrrea. (That's four.) Jay started to get a little soft in later seasons, but with all these crimes against Emma, I'm willing to forgive.

The Winner: Take a guess. I love you and your backwards baseball cap, Jay Hogart, despite the fact that you look like you're late for your shift at Luke's Diner.

I'm betting Alex had a lot of coloured bracelets.

And the overall winner is...a tie??! What?! My Fights to the Death can't end in a tie...unless they're like Gladiator and both parties just kinda shuffle off this mortal coil at exactly the same time. Sadly, though, there needs to be a winner, so I'm throwing my personal opinion in there (shocker!) and giving Degrassi: The Next Generation the title. Thanks for playing, eighties, but better luck next time.

I'm back on the grid

2011-01-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011, cyberfriends! Sorry for my absence, but I've been completely computerless for a month and a half now. Like, an earth month and a half. I know. My belated Christmas present to me was a brand new super cute netbook, so here I sit, a happy Lorelai. And her happy netbook.

Proper post in the works, as soon as I transfer all my crap from my barely-working old laptop to my new baby. Stay sexy, y'all!

Beverly Hills 90210: U4EA

2010-11-06T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm back, y'all! Hope you didn't miss me too much, but I needed a vaykay like nobody's business. My final semester of my final year at uni required most of my attention, so that's my excuse. Plus, last week was my birthday, and I'm not embellishing at all when I tell you that I'm just recovering. I thought I'd do the sensible thing this year and have multiple dinner soirees instead of one huge birthday bash, but that turned out to be the single best mistake I've made so far in my 21 years on this planet. I've drunk more champagne these last eleven days than Iggy Pop has all his New Years Eves combined.

Today I bring you another 90210 episode, but this one's special -- it hold the grand distinction of being my favourite one of all time. I think. Don't quote me on that, but it's definitely right up there. In today's episode, Silver gets drunk, Brandon gets roofied, Brenda and Kelly are nonstop bitches and we even get a little Steve/Andrea action. In a nutshell, it's the perfect episode. (Except for Emily Valentine. I know Brandon liked her, but I never did.)

In the halls of West Beverly, Donna, Kelly and Brenda are complaining about how boring their lives are. Right. Brandon and Emily walk by, and Emily tells the girls about some hip underground rave club she just happens to have heard about. Get this -- they let just anyone in. No IDs, no cover charge, no nothing. This is generally a sane person's first tip that something is amiss, but no. The trick is, to get the location, you have to go to a particular convenience store and exchange an egg for the club's address. Apparently it changes locations every week, as though the first round of oh-so-subtle "this place is shady" clues didn't get through.

Emily and Brandon stop by the Blaze and tell Andrea and Steve about the egg rave club. Andrea pretends she wants to do an expose of it for the paper, but really she just wants to spy on Emily and Brandon and make sure they don't have any fun. Steve decides to go as Andrea's date, for no other reason except to appease the weird Steve/Andrea ship I have going on. Not that I think they'd make any sort of great couple -- I just like their scenes together. And their scenes in this episode? Awesome.

At home that night, Brandon and Brenda get ready to get their par-tay on. They go to great lengths to make up a plausible excuse as to why they're all dressed up with seemingly no egg rave club to go to, but by the time they get downstairs, their parents are so wrapped up watching a movie on the couch, they don't even bat an eyelid at their offspring. The twins even manage to coax an extension on their curfew out of Jim and Cindy. Guess they've been Beverly Hills parents too long.

Kelly, however, is having no such luck. She tells Jackie the truth -- she's going to a creepy underground club with all of her underage friends. Jackie the recovering alcoholic is having none of that, though, and tells her that she'll have to stay in while Mommy Dearest goes gallivanting around town with Mel Silver. Naturally, Kelly sneaks out the second her mother leaves the house.

The gang meets up at the Peach Pit, bar Andrea and Steve. They're late for some reason. Kelly's mad that Donna brought Silver along. Brenda's mad that they all seem to be doing what Emily wants to do. They both such downers in this episode, I can't even begin to tell you. Nat asks Emily and Brandon where they're all going, and they very stealthily respond with, "a...place." That's some A-grade lying right there, Brando. Nat's all, "Oh wellsies, have fun." Heh. Nat is such an enabler. Between him placing bets for his underage employees and Jim and Cindy "Couch Potato" Walsh, it's surprising that Brandon made it out of his teenage years alive.

Their first stop is the convenience store, and I notice for the first time that they're all decked out in either black or denim. (Or both.) I love that they're colour-coordinated for their big night on the town. Emily goes up to the counter and exchanges the egg, no questions asked. Silver, jokingly, asks for a bottle of whiskey...and gets it. Worst convenience store clerk ever. I mean, come on. Silver looks eternally eleven. Plus, he gets the whiskey, a bottle of water for Brenda, gum for Kelly and popcorn for Donna, all for sixteen dollars. Is all your shit cheaper in America, or was this the wacky nineties? Because if it's the latter, I miss them. Then I remember all the double denim and matching black ensembles, and suddenly I don't anymore.

The egg rave club is totes hopping by the time our black-and-denim-clad Beverly Hillsians rock up. Dylan takes this opportunity to tell Brenda that a club like this is a breeding ground for drug activity. Hey Dylweed, you know when this would've been helpful information? Before. Literally any time before, just not ten feet from the friggin' entrance. Brenda asks her recovering substance abuser boyfriend if he's going to be okay. He tells her he is, and she's like, "Whatevs, let's head on over to Temptation City, Dyl." Thanks, Brenda.

Once they get inside, the girls (and Silver) all ooh and ahh over how crazy it is in there. Techno music, people dancing and et cetera. I'm pretty sure they have places like this in Beverly Hills too, but none of them seem to think so. Silver says that the place is "trippy," and Kelly makes fun of him. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gone soft on Silver or anything, but I hate it when Kelly gets unnecessarily bitchy like this. It's slightly less annoying than when she gets unnecessarily judgemental, but still. Silver takes out his cheap-ass whiskey and offers it to everyone. They all refuse for some reason. I guess it's one thing to sneak out to a bitchin' rave party, but quite another to actually drink. What exactly are they planning to do here? Kelly goes so far as to call Silver a geek and pay him out for being a disgusting alco, and Donna stands up for him and says that "not everybody who has a drink or two is an alcoholic." I'm pretty sure these words are going to haunt her in a year's time when she's hunched over a toilet at prom.

While they're all standing around doing nothing, Kelly complains about how everyone seems to be coupled off except for her. Emily, for no real reason, says, "Life can be really depressing when you don't have a boyfriend." Um, fuck you, Emily. How is that an okay thing to say to someone who's already feeling bad about being single? Also, feminism called, and it wants to punch you in the face. Brenda overhears this remark and bitches to Dylan that Emily really rubs her the wrong way. Dylan retorts that she must rub Brandon the right way, and I give the scriptwriters props for sneaking that in there.

Meanwhile, Steve and Andrea finally arrive at the Peach Pit. Nat gives them an egg and directions to the convenience store that Emily left for them. So not only is Nat not stopping his favourite high school students from doing something that screams 'illegal', he's actually helping them? Jeez, Nathaniel, responsible much? Andrea takes the egg, confused, and Steve tells her to "get with the drill." Was that ever slang? "Get with the program," I've heard of, but "get with the drill?" Not so much. Andrea accidentally knocks over a cup of coffee, right onto the directions. They decide to forge on ahead anyway.

Back at the rave, Brandon is telling Emily that he doesn't want to dance. Because Brandon doesn't dance. That's a character trait you can never be reminded of too many times. He points out a giant burly guy that people keep coming up to, and Emily tells him that Big Burly Guy is a U4EA dealer. U4EA, for those of you at home, is a drug. A drug that Emily swears she's never tried before. (Spoiler: she's lying!) A drug that she attempts to get Brandon to take with her. Brandon, ever the sensible one, declines. After all, he does not get high. He just gets drunk and crashes Mondale. I do like that he reminds us of this, instead of being his usual high-and-mighty, Brandon-Walsh-can-do-no-wrong self and pretending that little incident never happened.

Steve and Andrea are driving around town, trying in vain to read the directions on the coffee-stained napkin. Andrea blames stupid Emily for not thinking to draw them a map on something sturdier than a napkin. It makes no sense, but since I love snarky Andrea, I'll let it slide. They stop at a convenience store they think might be the right one, and head inside to exchange the egg. Note: Steve's holding Andrea's hand. Cue the awww's. (Awww!) Now I can't decide which of the lines in this scene I'd rather quote for you, so here's the whole thing.

This is far and away my favourite scene in season two, maybe even the entire series. It's like a poultry-themed Who's On First.

Back in the nowhere-near-as-entertaining A-plot, Silver is sauced. It's okay, though, because drinking's only bad when Donna Martin does it. He talks with Brandon for a while about how he thinks of himself as "the host who's had the most," and then raves on for a while about how Donna likes him. God, if only Silver was drunk every episode. It almost makes him bearable.

Emily, still wanting to get high with Brandon, decides to take matters into her own hands and slips the U4EA into his soda. Good God, she's sociopathic. I hate it when Brenda's right. Some time later, Brandon tells her that he feels weird, and she admits that she, uh, drugged him, I guess. Brando's not as incensed about this as you'd think he'd be, probably because he's feeling a little too U4ic. Heh. You see what I did there? I'm oddly proud of myself for that one.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Steve are sitting in the 'Vette, totally and completely lost. Andrea snarks Emily some more about how she only joined the paper to get into Brandon's pants. She complains that, "this evening has been a total mmm." Insert your own bad word there. Steve tells her to stop apologising for who she is and get in the game, because the only reason Brandon only likes Emily is because she throws herself at him. He's so passionate about it, too. I love Steve so much. This is the sort of advice I imagine he'd give me if he was a real person and not just my fantasy BFF. Eventually, Andrea spots the right convenience store, and they head on in to exchange the egg.

Segue: I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was back in high school, and we were all doing some sort of crazy showstopping musical number. Steve Sanders was with us, and he and I sung a duet about how awesome we are. Sad but true.

At the rave, Silver and Donna are dancing wildly. Donna tells him she has to sit down, because she's "bushed." Silver's response? "Which one -- George or Barbara?" Ugh. And they say you're the witty one, Silver. There are so many cooler comebacks you could've used, and judging by Dylan's quip about the way Emily rubs Brandon, I'm pretty sure the network wouldn't have minded. Kelly, Dylan and Brenda come past for one final rendition of their tired Chide The Drunk Guy chorus. Seriously, you guys, shut the fuck up. So Silver's drunk. Why would you go to the trouble of sneaking out to a club if you weren't going to drink?

On the way back from the grungy bathroom ('grungy' in this case meaning disgusting,) Kelly and Brenda step on some drug paraphernalia and see a couple getting high in the corner. They realise that the place is crawling with ZOMG!druggies! Even though Dylan told her this would happen at the start of the night, Brenda acts like this is new information. She and Kel head on over to where Dylan is and tell him it's time to find Brandon and go. In Kelly's words, "This place is never again." Hmm. Again, I don't think calling stuff 'never again' was ever a thing, but I dig it. In fact, I think I'll use that.

Outside, Silver gets really sick, and Dylan holds his hair back while he munts all over a wall. Ew. Say what you want about Dylan, but he's all sorts of awesome to Silver in this scene. He doesn't even like Silver, and yet here we are. He even carries him over to Kelly's Beemer and sort-of hurls him into the backseat. That's some good lookin' out, McKay.

Dylan and Brenda find Brandon on the hood of Mondale, making out furiously with Emily. He even has his shirt unbuttoned, that hussy. Dylan recognises that he's off his face immediately. Brandon and Emily respond by telling them off for being too serious. It's actually kind-of funny, even though I know that this is the first of many DRUGSAREBAD episodes, and we should really be learning some kind of lesson from this. Dylan takes Brandon's keys and gives him money for a cab, then hustles Brenda towards his car.

Brenda's like, "We can't just leave Brandon here!" and Dylan responds with a monologue about how DRUGSAREBAD. It's an anti-drugs message that would be so much more effective if we didn't have Brandon in the background, hilariously standing on the hood of his car, chest bared, looking stoned out of his mind. I think this is the first time Brandon has ever stolen a scene. I'm a little impressed.

Meanwhile, Kelly is trying desperately to beat her mother home so she doesn't find out that Little Miss Honesty disobeyed her and went to the skeezy rave party. Of course, this doesn't stop her from being mean to Silver, who's moaning and groaning in the background like...well, like a guy who just downed a bottle of whiskey, actually. Kelly tells Donna that she made a mistake bringing him with them tonight, because he's "a geek and a pukemeister." Heh. Pukemeister. Kelly is winning the battle of the Awesome Nineties Slang I Never Knew Was Actually Slang today.

Oh, and in case you're interested, Kelly does not get home before Jackie. Bitch is grounded.

Steve and Andrea arrive at the rave at the same time the police do. Dammit, they never get to have any fun! They spot Brandon and Emily, assumedly so Jason Priestley can show off his cartoonish 'guy on drugs' acting, and Emily tells them that they have to get out of here because she's still got some U4EA on her. Steve grabs it out of her hand, then drags her towards the 'Vette by the wrist. I love it when he gets forceful. Andrea takes this time to tell Brandon how disgusted she is by his behaviour.

Back at the Walsh house, Brenda is waiting up for Brandon to come home. He does so, at six in the morning. God, I hope Jim and Cindy catch him. Brenda and Brandon have a D&M about the dangers of drugs and Brandon admits that "I totally lost control." Yeah, Brando. You unbuttoned your shirt! You sat on the hood of you car and made out with your girlfriend! Those crazy kids, I tell ya. Brandon finally tells us what Dylan was trying to tell us before Brando interrupted him with his shirtlessness -- "people talk about how drugs are cool, but it's just a big fake-out." Holy crap, that's not even remotely subtle. I do love that Kelly -- the girl who initially told her mother the truth about where she was going and chided everyone for drinking -- got grounded, but Brandon managed to get home without his parents even waking up.

The next day, Dylan and Brandon head back to the club to pick up Mondale...which has been stripped for parts and just generally trashed. Oh, here's the comeuppance. I love that whenever Brandon decides to be bad, it's always the car that suffers. Dylan tells Brandon, "I'm just glad you couldn't see yourself last night," and Brandon asks if it was really that bad. Actually, no, Brandon, it wasn't really. You didn't even take your shirt clean off. Brandon admits that he'll have to tell his parents because there's no lie big enough to cover Mondale's demise, even though I thought of at least four in the last second and a half. I guess I'd make a much more covert druggie than Brandon.

At home, Brandon tells his parents all about last night, never minding that he's dropping Brenda in it too. He neglects to mention that Emily's the one who drugged him, though. Jim and Cindy seem mad, despite the fact that their shitty parenting last night didn't help the situation. Then they get mad at Brenda for leaving him there. Emily drops by and tells her boyfriend's parents that she took care of him while he was high last night, like the lying druggie whore she is. I hate her more and more with every passing second. Steam is practically coming out of Brenda's ears, but she doesn't dime. She's such a good sister. I take back that stuff I said earlier about her being a bitch. The second they're alone, Brandon breaks up with Emily. She's all butthurt about it, despite the fact that it's all her fault. Literally, all her fault. Not a single other person is to blame except her. This right here is the reason I have zero sympathy for Emily Valentine in the episodes to come.

Andrea goes to the Peach Pit to talk to Brandon. Actually, 'talk' isn't the right word. She takes him to the kitchen, breaks an egg into the frying pan and tells him that it's his brain on drugs. No, I'm not joking. That's how unsubtle they're being here. The writers' laziness is so bad now that they're actually just recreating an anti-drug PSA. Rachael Leigh Cook would be so proud.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Time Tunnel

2010-09-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

This is yet another first for ABC Not-Just-For-Kids -- I'm recapping a show I didn't watch when I was younger. Nothing against The Adventures of Pete and Pete; I just don't remember it even being shown here in Australia. And I definitely would remember it, because Big Pete was one of Kevin's brothers in the Home Alone movies. Nothing Home Alone-related gets past me. Nothing, y'hear?!

Don't worry, though, because I've been watching Pete and Pete on YouTube nonstop lately. It's got everything I want in a kids' show -- lots of bike-riding around town, a ranga, an awesome bully and a tale of unrequited teenage love. Let's meet (or remeet) the main characters:

Big Pete Wrigley (Michael Maronna) -- the oldest Pete. He's yet another cool ranga to add to our list, which is awesome, because that's only my favourite tag. Big Pete is usually our narrator, and every week he takes us on a Pete-filled adventure involving Pete. And sometimes, it also involves Pete. Little Pete, that is.

Little Pete Wrigley (Danny Tamberelli) -- the youngest Pete. He's kind of a jaded, annoying brat, so I don't have too much to say about him. Except that the kid who plays him was also Jackie Rodowsky in the Babysitters Club TV show.

Ellen Hickle (Alison Fanelli) -- Big Pete's best friend, and sometimes a little something more. She's such a sweetheart, even I have a little bit of an Ellen crush. Plus, she plays the French horn, and if we've learned anything from Freaks and Geeks, it's that Seth Rogen is hot for chicks who play brass instruments. (That's the lesson we were supposed to learn from Freaks and Geeks, right?)

Joyce Wrigley (Judy Grafe) -- the Petes' mother. She has a metal plate in her head. To be honest, none of the episodes I've seen feature very much of her, except the Mr. Tastee episode where she reveals that she and the boys' father met when he metal-detected her head at the beach.

Don Wrigley (Hardy Rawls) -- the Petes' father. He once found a car buried in the sand at the beach. Again, I'm not very well-versed on the parents yet.

Artie, the Strongest Man in the World (Toby Huss) -- a character I hate and only include here for authenticity's sake. I think he's a meth head or a pedophile or something.

Nona Mecklenberg (Michelle Trachtenberg) -- the slightly quirky neighbour. She's a friend of Little Pete's, and also, she's Michelle Trachtenberg pre-Harriet the Spy, so she gets an 'awesome' stamp from me. Plus, her dad's Iggy Pop. Seriously, Iggy Pop.

Endless Mike Hellstrom (Rick Gomez) -- the all-important bully. It wouldn't be a kids' show without a bully, and Mike really excels at it. I truly buy his commitment as the town badass.

Now let's get this recap started!

It's the last day of daylight savings time in Wellsville. (And, I suppose, the entire east coast.) Apparently every year on this day, the Petes decide to do something legendary with their extra hour, but this time Big Pete has something different up his sleeve -- he's going to ask Ellen Hickle out on a proper date to figure out once and for all whether or not she's his girlfriend or his friend who happens to be a girl. When he tells Little Pete of his plan, Little Pete reacts...well, let's just say he reacts. The words, "Kill me with a brick!" may have been used. This immediately (immediately!) reminds me of the scene Home Alone 2 where Kevin pelts the living shit out of Marv with bricks, which is coincidental because Big Pete was actually in that movie. To be fair, it's less likely to be a coincidence and more likely the fact that I can't stop thinking about Home Alone whenever Michael Maronna's on screen. God, I love those movies.

Big Pete has some narration time where he mentions that Little Pete wants to turn back more time than just an hour. I guess he's not ready to grow up yet, even though I sure would like him to. See, I don't like Little Pete. Not at all, not in the slightest. His antics don't amuse me, and the only reason I tolerate him is because he gets to hang out with cute-as-a-button Michelle Trachtenberg.

Big Pete finally gets up the courage to call Ellen from a tree outside her house. I had no idea cordless phones from the nineties could get reception that far away from its base, but there you go. Big Pete asks her out, and she nervously says yes. Aww, young love, blossoming right before our very eyes!

Meanwhile, Little Pete is getting ready for his trip back in time by wearing a mood ring (?) and eating a lot of riboflavin. (??) Nona's there, so it's okay. She's so cute, except for the tiny coffin she carries around with her. That's a little on the strange side.

In town, Big Pete's friend Teddy is riding one of those mechanical horsie rides they have out the front of stores. He appears to be enjoying it a little too much. Bill apparently bet him a dollar that he wouldn't ride it, but when Teddy asks him to pay up, Bill reveals that he actually said, "one doll hair." Heh. I'm so using that from now on. Sorry, Sportsbet.com, I actually bet twenty doll hairs on that footy game. Let me just go get my Barbies and settle up. Pete tells his buddies that he and Ellen are going out on a date, and they're not exactly jumping for joy at the thought. The boys decide that if the next car that comes along is a yellow schoolbus, it means the night will be a success. Naturally, Bus Driver Stu takes this opportunity to come by and give Big Pete a ride home. Wow, they're not even in school! Bus Driver Stu really goes that extra mile.

On the bus, Bus Driver Stu reveals that he and Bus Driver Sally broke up again. Dammit. I wish those crazy kids would just work it out. Big Pete begins to wonder if maybe this isn't such a good omen after all.

Little Pete and Nona are walking their bikes along the street, when Endless Mike comes by in his very own Mondale. Same colour as Brandon Walsh's and everything. Nona, who's the new girl on the block and doesn't realise that Endless Mike is who he is, tries to make friends with him. He responds by opening his car door and knocking her and Pete off their bikes. Wow. You know, I've noticed that a lot of bullies on these kids' shows are all talk, they don't really do all that much actual bullying, but shit, you guys. Endless Mike just knocked a little girl to the ground with a car door. That's pretty awful. And awesome. Not that I condone high-schoolers pushing little girls over, but way to actually be a bully, Endless Mike. I like your style. Anyway, Pete hatches a plan to use his extra hour to ruin Endless Mike's life and become a legend.

Big Pete decides to take his life into his own hands and ask Endless Mike if he can borrown his car for the evening. Surprisingly, Endless Mike says yes. He even gives Pete a lift to the drive-in after Pete reveals that he doesn't have a license. I guess Ellen will have to walk there, then. How chivalrous. At the drive in, Endless Mike gives Pete lessons on how to get lucky in a car. It involves fogging the windows up to create a "cocoon of love." The undertones here are subtle enough that they can get away with teaching Big Pete how to Zuko it up at the drive-in without too much trouble. Endless Mike's car even has a 'go' button that make the seats extend all the way back. That's a Quagmire move if I've ever seen one. Giggity giggity, Hellstrom. Giggity giggity.

Date night! Ellen arrives at the drive-in dressed in "a new vest and a nervous smile." Naww, Ellen. They talk for a little while about how weird it is that they're on a date, and do some more nervous smiling. (And vest-wearing.) Then Pete gets a little handsy and starts pulling the yawn-and-stretch move, and Ellen hurries off to get popcorn. Shot down, Pete. He decides that now's a good a time as any to prepare his cocoon of love, and tries to fog up the car windows by breathing on them. It does nothing. Way to breathe, No Breath. He eventually passes out on the car horn.

Nona and Little Pete, who've somehow snuck into the drive-in, attempt to lure the projectionist out of her little projection room to begin Operation End Endless Mike. So far, everything's perfect...except for the fact that Big Pete and Ellen are the ones in Endless Mike's car, not Endless Mike himself. A minor detail, as I'm sure he's not too far away.

Ellen returns with the popcorn and wakes Big Pete up. His recent coma was apparently personality-altering, and he decides to be Casanova all of a sudden. He even calls her "sugar love." Ick. Ellen complains that it's so foggy that they can't see the movie anymore, and he's all, "I know." Ellen suggests that perhaps they take this whole date thing a little slower, and Pete responds by putting on the charm and asking her, "Don't you wanna...know?" Know what, Pete? Is that 'know' in the biblical sense, because if it is...well, that's actually kinda awesome. I can't snark the Bible. Well, I could, but I'm not all that jazzed about the idea of eternal unrest, so...

Little Pete has infiltrated the projection room. He's pretty stealth for a loud, chubby ranga. He's shocked to see his own brother get out of Endless Mike's Mustang and head on over to the candy bar. Oh no! His plan! It's in tatters! TATTERS!

Big Pete returns to the car, and discovers that Ellen rolled the top down and destroyed his cocoon of love. Oh, Ellen. It's like you don't even care about all the trouble Pete's going to to get into your pants. Ten minutes before the movie's due to end, Pete realises that his window of opportunity is closing, so he presses the 'go' button and the two get horizontal. Ellen demands to know what kind of crazy shit Pete thinks he's pulling, and Pete's response? "It's the final test for us, Ellen. You hit the 'go' and then you know." Again with the knowing, Pete, you horny bastard! Ellen yells at Pete for a little bit, and then realises that they're not alone. Oh no, they're not alone.

Endless Mike's all, "Yo, I was in the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by and see if you two were getting it on in my car." Big Pete is mortified. Little Pete is ecstatic that the victim of his time tunnel prank has finally arrivesd. Endless Mike tells Big Pete that his timing with the 'go' button was "tasty," but he's embarrassed at Pete's pathetic attempt at the cocoon of love. Ellen finally realises that Big Pete has been putting the moves on her the whole time. A little slow on the uptake there, Ellen. What did you think you two would be doing lying down in a car at the drive-in while he calls you sugar love and admires your vest? Ellen runs off, distraught, and Endless Mike slips into the front seat, apparently pleased with the way he ruined Big Pete's night.

Now see that, kids? That was some class-A bullying. It's simply not enough to tell the protagonist you're going to beat him up, or threaten him with a balled-up fist and suggest that his face needs rearranging. This was epic. Endless Mike saw an opportunity to destroy Pete's happiness, and by God, he took it. Endless Mike, you are such a legend, I can't even begin to tell you.

It's midnight, which means what, kids? Time tunnel time! Little Pete sets the clock back to eleven PM and the revenge plan goes ahead. He swaps the movie reel with one of Endless Mike's mother's home movies of him when he was a chubby baby, sitting on a potty doing his filthy baby business. Endless Mike, not happy at being ended, flips out and runs around the drive-in, yelling for people to avert their eyes. I'd congratulate Little Pete on his successful plan...if I didn't hate him so much. (And if I didn't love Endless Mike with an endless passion.)

Over the PA system, Little Pete pores his heart out about how unlike Big Pete, he can't forget his brother on such a momentous occasion. Big Pete remembers that tonight is the end of daylight savings, and Little Pete tells him that he has an hour to do something he's always wanted to do. Naturally, that one thing is Ellen. Not in a gross 'go' button way, though. Just in a let's-sort-everything-out-without-the-aid-of-Endless-Mike way.

Big Pete catches up to Ellen in front of her house and tells her that they can live the hour over again thanks to our good friend daylight savings. Ellen's all, "After what you did to me?" and Pete says, "I know." Hey Pete? Not the best choice of word right there, considering. Pete explains that he got lost in fantasies of the future, but he now realises that he just wants to be her friend again like they had been in the past. Aww, a thematic lesson learned. I love Nickelodeon.

Big Pete and Ellen say goodnight to one another with a friendly handshake. Then Ellen kisses him on the cheek. They they make out a little bit. Then Ellen goes inside and the episode ends with absolutely nothing being resolved, goddamnit! I guess Big Pete and Ellen were always meant for will-they-won't-theydom, but still. I need closure.

Meanwhile, Little Pete is riding his bike like the wind away from a crazed Endless Mike. How shit is Endless Mike's car that Pete can evade him on a pushbike? The chase leads him into the central time zone, so technically Little Pete got his wish and went back in time for more than one hour. That's actually a pretty awesome ending, even if it did involve Little Pete.

Nineties vs. Noughties Fight to the Death: Art Shows

2010-09-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up early this morning. Yes, that's newsworthy when you're me. And as it turns out, morning television is super boring...unless you're a kid. The kiddies are well looked-after by morning TV, let me tell you. In fact, it was as I was flipping through the many children's channels that I came across a show called Mister Maker. It was about a dude teaching us how to do arty things, and it reminded me of an art show from my own youth, Art Attack. As soon as I realised the similarity of the shows, I immediately though, "WWWIAFTTD?" (Who Would Win In A Fight To The Death?) Below are my thoughts, opinions and attempts of my own at recreating such artistic vision.

The Show: Art Attack, a British program desperately trying to unlock the hidden artistic talent of the nation's youth. Because your finger paintings, little Suzie? They're bullshit. Neil's here to show you how to do some proper fucking art.

The Host: Neil Buchanan, a middle-aged man who also somehow looks like a teenager from Round The Twist. (And Marty McFly, from some angles.) He wears rad nineties jeans and a red sweater with the Art Attack logo on it. That's right. The logo of his own show. That takes some balls, man. I bet he made it himself.

The Set: A huge white room filled with giant stationery. Literally, giant stationery. It gives the effect that you're being taught how to do art by a tiny little goblin man of some description. I cannot tell you how fascinated I was with this set when I was a young'un.

The Content: Firstly, there's none of this introduction crap with Neil. He doesn't even tell you what materials you'll need, or even what you're making. It's like, "Bam, paper plate. Do you have a paper plate? No? Well too bad, you're behind now, just watch me do it. No, don't go ask Mummy for a paper plate. Sit down. Look, I'm onto the third step already. It's not my fault your tiny brains can't keep up." And do you know what he makes with this paper plate you still haven't found? He makes something called "paint on a plate." Paint on a plate. How mind-bogglingly simple. You literally pour paint on a paper plate, spin it around on the end of a pencil, and see how many cool patterns you can make before your mother finds out what you're doing, takes the thing off you, and screams about how she just knew you were up to something when you asked for a paper plate.

Neil suddenly remembers the average age of his target audience and decides to tell the tykes exactly how to mix the paint so it's just right. A direct quote, from the kiddie art show host: "You need to mix it so that the consistency is such that when you pour out a stripe of paint onto some paper, and you tip it up, it starts to drip steadily in streams." Is...is this how British kids talk? Consistency? Steadily? Streams? What the fuck are streams, Neil? I didn't tune into this show for an English lesson. I tuned in for an art lesson, and all Neil's shown me how to do so far is pour paint onto a paper plate. I remember this show being so much cooler. Pick up your game, Neil.

Really, Neil? Really?

Neil tells us that if we don't have a paper plate, we can just cut out a circle of cardboard. You know when this piece of information would've come in handy? At the start of the project, right before the viewers all ran into the kitchen screaming about how they need paper plates. I can only imagine that several small children just returned, paper plate in hand, only to find that Neil's moved on to cardboard like the dirty material-swapping tramp he is. He uses one of the giant pencils from the set (helpfully telling us that "I've got a big pencil" -- someone's proud!) and redoes the experiment using his huge, throbbing pencil and a giant cardboard circle.

We cut to an art gallery, where a bust called The Head talks to us. Oh yay, a disembodied head. Funny how I erased this part from my memory. The Head helpfully tells us that if we want to do the paint on a plate experiment at home, put some newspaper down on the floor first. Again, this seems like a tidbit of advice best served before the demonstration.

The next segment is Neil at the airport. His flight to wherever has been delayed for nine hours. Nine hours! Imagine all the art that could be attacked in that time! This is one of the cooler segments where Neil makes giant artworks out of the most ridiculous shit. Today he's using his luggage. You might need to suspend disbelief for a minute, (like why a grown man would need four floaty rings, two pairs of binoculars and a worrying amount of grey socks) but the end result is amazing -- it's a plane! A giant plane on the floor of an airport! It's times like these I remember why Neil rules.

Best. Plane delay. Ever.

And we're back in the giant's art studio. Neil introduces the next segment by asking us, "Have you ever been really shattered? You should try it; it looks great!" I immediately know what he's going to do next. Out of all the Art Attack episodes out there, I've found one that I actually remember! I emulated this one at home, not quite as successfully as Neil, but I didn't do too bad either. Neil tells us to take a piece of paper "roughly twenty by seven centimetres," but again, that's just a rough estimate. Neil, nowhere in the world is seven "roughly" anything. Round up, honey. Anyway, this exercise involves us writing our names in block letters on the paper, cutting it into strips and then moving them slightly to create a shattered effect. I still have no idea why Neil's looks so cool and mine ended up looking like someone threw up dyslexia, but what are you gonna do?

Now you're just showing off, Neil.

Neil decides to make papier mache next, which I had a bad experience with in primary school. Turns out I was horribly allergic to the glue we used. It was Clag glue. Remember Clag? The slow kid used to eat it in kindergarten? Good thing I wasn't the slow kid, or I'd probably be dead. Today Neil is using PVA glue, which I thankfully wasn't allergic to. I say "thankfully" because most of my primary school memories of PVA glue involved smearing it on my hands so I could peel it off later. Don't look at me like that. All the cool kids did it.

Anyway, Neil tells us that any papier mache thing worth its salt has four layers of newspaper -- or if you're smart, like Neil, you can intersperse the newspaper with magazine shreds so you know which layer you're on. My teachers never thought to make us do that. (By "us" I mean the kids who got to continue their papier mache fun, instead of being sent to the library workroom to practice the recorder. On the plus side, I was nothing if not balls-out good at the recorder by the end of grade three.) Neil then papier-maches two polystyrene cups to the bottom of the half-balloon, and turns the whole thing into pants. Yeah, pants. All the imagination anyone could ever ask for, and he creates pants.

Yes, I see what he's pointing at, too.

I'm not too proud to say that this is what my papier mache project was going to turn into before my creativity was overthrown by the evil Clag, and let me tell you something -- it wasn't ever going to look anything like Neil's. Hey Neil, you know who can't make stuff like that? Children. Children, Neil. You're setting them up to fail with your high expectations. Look at those friggin' pants for a second, will ya? Could you at home make that today? Huh? I didn't think so.

Neil finishes this segment by telling us about all the wonderful things he can stick in his pants. Goddamnit, Neil. And I don't know about you, but I refuse to accept candy from a person who keeps it in a hollowed-out baby.

Final Thoughts: Despite the slight penis obsession, I like Neil. He's oddly personable. I was probably the least artistic child ever to grace God's green (unless Neil paints it) earth, but somehow art didn't seem so bad when Neil showed me how much fun it could be. Sure, he assumes that every single child is exactly as good at art as he is, but at least he's inspiring people. In fact, if Neil came to my door and asked me if I wanted art lessons, I would let him in, give him a cup of coffee and by God, we would make papier-mache pants fit for a catwalk. God, I'm jealous of those pants he made.

Now it's time to meet Mister Maker. And oh God, Mister Maker. Just...Mister Maker. I don't have screencaps for this show, so I thought I'd recreate Mister Maker's art using the infallable MS Paint. You hear that? Lorelai art! This almost never happens in real life!

The Show: Mister Maker, a British program desperately trying to unlock the previous popularity of Art Attack. And failing, most likely. I haven't checked the ratings, but holy everything, this show is both shit and frightening at the same time, so I don't know how anyone can find it appealing. Kids like weird stuff, I guess.

The Host: Mister Maker, a terrifying twentysomething who got lost in someone's Mighty Boosh-inspired nightmare, went mad, then returned to Earth where some bright spark gave him his own children's television hosting gig. Not sure what his real name is, but I'm thinking it rhymes with, "Schmeelzebub." Also, he wears Tina Fey's PJ Calamity vest from Mean Girls every single day.

The Set: Pretty sure Mister Maker brought it back with him from the aforementioned Mighty Boosh nightmare.

The Content: To be honest, I only watched this show because A) nothing else was on, and B) the summary from my TV's little infobox thing made it sound like the second coming of Art Attack. It sort of is, but for the Tourette's set.

Mister Maker starts the show by showing us how to make a pop-out picture using the lid off a packet of baby wipes. I don't know why Mister Maker has baby wipes in his possession. I don't want to know why Mister Maker has baby wipes in his possession. He just does, okay? The trick is not to ask too many questions, like, "where is the baby now?" or "what's that smell coming from the cellar?" Anyway, he gets us to stick the baby wipe lid onto a piece of cardboard, then paint it to look like a door. He inserts a ghost inside the "doorway," so that when the baby wipe lid door pops open, someone gets a fright! Ah, scaring children. Something Mister Maker excels at.

Some of my best work right here.

One thing I've already noticed is that Mister Maker is very big on scissor safety. While Neil from Art Attack could not give less of a shit if you lopped off all your fingers in the name of art, Mister Maker wants you to know that scissors are no picnic. You'll need an adult to help you, which I'm sure they'll be happy about. Even money says they suggested "art time" to get you out of their hair, not realising that Mister Maker has made them the official household Cutter-Outerer.

Mister Maker tickles a bunch of cartoon shapes, and they come to life and sing a song about how they're shapes. Don't worry, they're very clearly just people dressed in shape costumes. The yellow triangle reminds me of a day in primary school when the Safety House people came to talk to us about stranger danger, and one of them made the schoolboy error of donning a large Safety House costume. Paul Kasey pushed him over, and the poor guy could do nothing but lie there on his side (wall?) while kicking his legs violently in the air in a vain attempt at getting back on his feet. I'm a little annoyed that there aren't any Paul Kaseys around to show this Mister Maker triangle what's what. Or even just Mister Maker himself.

Oh goody, there are children at Mister Maker's window. This will end well, I'm sure. What Mister Maker does here, essentially, is make a lion's head out of a hundred child corpses decked out in all the right colours. Of course he does. Corpse art is the new luggage art, after all. I mean yes, those hundred colour-coded children could just be lying there in the shape of a lion, but have you ever met a child who can stay still for as long as it takes to make a lion's head out of its classmates? The only other option is a computer trick, but, blasphemy! Neil never needed a computer trick, just some careful video editing and a red sweater.

No corpses, just sheer manly lion. Rrrawr!

Mister Maker, fresh from harvesting the souls of all those lion children, has returned to his lair and is now going to teach us how to make a bobble-headed clown. Right, because it's not like that many children are scared of those or anything. He sets himself a time limit of a minute because a giant yellow bird came out of a clock and told him to. Are you following this? Because I am, and I don't want to be.

Mister Maker tells us that anyone can make a clown head...as long as they happen to have some googly eyes, a tiny red pom-pom, some modelling clay, and the most surprising, a plastic egg that opens in half. And here I was complaining that Neil's paper plate was a tall order. He admits that you might need to go shopping for this one, so he does. Despite the fact that he literally has a wall of art supplies right behind him, he's actually cooked up an activity that needs further spending. Nice work there, Mister Maker.

"NONE OF THIS WILL DO! BURN IT ALL!"

In case you were curious, Mister Maker makes his clown head in under a minute. Cuts it pretty close, too. And now we have a clown head that bobs up and down, presumably out of its own free will and/or the clay base hidden inside the egg. Couple that with the creepy ghost picture, and you have a room full of wet-pantsed children.

The spraycan effect is representing tissue paper and the fragility of life.

So what's next on Mister Maker's agenda? He's going to make a cool picture of a cauldron, and stick really cool things like plastic bugs and pipe cleaner snakes on it! Yay! And also, a severed leg. Yep, there's a severed leg coming out of that cauldron. I'm not kidding. Severed leg. I can't be sure, but it looks like that of a child, maybe around ten years old. Or at least, he was until he made the fatal error to knock on Mister Maker's door one Halloween. This is why you should've listened to the Safety House lecture, Paul Kasey.

Sorcery from Mister Maker? Not surprising.

Mister Maker's last task involves making a cactus out of bubble wrap. Despite going on some sort of rant about how he enjoys squishing the life out of bubble wrap, he emplores his young apprentices at home to put it to better use -- making a cactus. Because why not? Who doesn't love cactuses, besides, like, children? The task involves wrapping pipe-cleaners up in bubble wrap, stuffing them into a pot filled with more bubble wrap and then lining the extra space in with the pot with...you guessed it. Bubble wrap. He then paints the cactus with green paint, and suggests that we use four other colours of paint to add "detail," which seems unnecessary. The detail doesn't look as good as it ought to, though. Just stick with the green, kiddies. You mothers will thank me.

This feels a bit shit compared to the lion.

Mister Maker shows us some more cacti he prepared earlier. He even made mini-cacti and stuck brightly coloured bubble wrap flowers on them! Okay, while I definitely think Mister Maker is the son Satan sent to a group home because he just couldn't put up with his shit anymore, the dude has some tricks. I freakin' want a mini bubble wrap cactus with pink bubble wrap flowers on it. I want one so hard, it's difficult to believe I ever wanted anything else.

Final Thoughts: I think the problem I have with Mister Maker, besides the whole serial killer vibe thing, is that he's just too over-the-top, look-at-me zany. Zany don't win you fans, Mister Maker. If there's one thing kids hate, it's the assumption that they're stupid, and Mister Maker treats them like they're fully retarded. Where Neil is informative, Mister Maker is belittling. Where Neil is a normal human being, Mister Maker is batshit nuts. The only thing Mister Maker has taught me so far is that I'm exceptionally good at MS Paint drawings.

Neil Buchanan and Art Attack, you are officially the winners of my fight to the death! Oh, but Neilly baby? Nobody outdoes me, not even in their own specialty.

Boom. MS Paint pants. Shatter that, Neil.

"Google, you're completely shit."

2010-08-16T22:18:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah, it's Google Analytics day again, also known as "one of the many days Lorelai is lazy and doesn't post an actual proper recap," which are becoming more and more frequent. Don't worry, my recapping days aren't over, not even by a long shot. (In fact, I'm watching Babar on ABC Kids right now!) I've just been really swamped with Real Life lately. God, that Real Life. Anyway.

Some of my favourite search terms are questions. Not the crazy ramblings, not the need for kinky, often scarring pornography. The questions. It's what search engines were created for, right? Ask Jeeves even had the word "ask" right there in the name. And while my humble little blog can't answer all the questions you at home crave the answers to, well heck, I can try.

was heath ledger in round the twist
He was not, no. There are actually a lot of differently worded search tearms asking this question, and the answer to all of them is 'no.'

was maggie wheeler in home alone 2
Nope. Don't know why you'd ask, but nope.

were the new kids on the block ever on sesame street
Good question. I'm not entirely sure. I suppose I could Google it and find out for you, but that's what got us in this mess in the first place, isn't it?

what accent lulu from bananas in pyjamas
Don't know. Maybe somewhere around where you're from, Mr. Broken English.

what do children do in a weekend club
I have no idea.

was the blind piano teacher in 90210 really blind
Uh, yeah. Like Heath Ledger, the blind piano teacher from 90210 gets a lot of love from the Googlers, but this was the only one questioning the authenticitity of her disability. She did seem awfully shifty...

what did madeline's best friend chloe go to hospital in the madeline violin
I remember that Chloe once had a broken arm, so...I think that's what you're asking, but I'm not entirely positive. Just when I think I've got it, bam -- you go and throw 'violin' in there.

what is anatomically incorrect with sebastian in the little mermaid
What an insightful question, friend. Truthfully, I know very little about crustaceans. You might have to ask, like, a scientist or something.

what makes captain planet successful
The level of stupidity inherent in this question differs depending on whether you think this person is referring to Captain Planet the show, or Captain Planet the captain. If it's the latter, well, what an idiot -- there is nothing succesful about Captain Planet the captain. He's not even a real captain! Where's his ship?!

what year did bananas in pyjamas come out
This is just the greatest great to ever great. Unless it's a serious question, in which case, the world is doomed.

who wanted to fuck lizzie mcguire?
Son, please don't use a search engine to try and validate your creepy preteen pining. Google is serious business.

why is antarctica sunny all the time
Um...nope, got nothin'.

Okay, Q&A part over. Now feel free to mindlessly enjoy a bunch of crazy, oft times disturbing, search terms from the people of Teh Internet:

cookie monster snorts cookies t-shirt
If this is a real thing, I want it so hard.

20 years ladyfuk dancing
Yeah, you go, lady! Fuck dancing indeed! It's a pointles pastime, regardless of age!

90210 silver black guy
Seems innocent enough until you begin to really think about it...

90s kids shows with kids who sang songs
Let me think for a min-- oh yeah, that's right, it was every 90s kids show ever.

ariel and manta, fanfiction
Like Silver and DeShawn up there, this one gets creepier with thought.

nickelodeon pierced contest 90s
Is this an actual thing they did? I really want to know how one judges a pierced contest.

1990s show man singing in woods
That was your nightmares.

abc not just for kids lorelai dumb-ass
Wow, hey thanks, man! That's...yeah. No, I feel really good about myself now. It's probably the person who took great offence to the fact that I failed to recognise Shrek as being a Dreamworks movie that one time.

bomb 1 leg country
Is this a threat? Because I don't take kindly to threats I don't understand.

camping school toilet shovel
I really like the idea that there's such a thing as a "camping school." Or, for that matter, a "toilet shovel."

captain planet douchebag
Try saying that to his face.

dad fuck ariel the mermaid
Does not compute.

did the alphaquest song make anyone cry
I...well, truth be told, I have no evidence either confirming or debunking that myth.

dirt, ice-cream
Don't confuse 'em.

disney channel veronica saddle club who is this terrible girl
The idea that someone was so horrified by Veronica DiAngelo that they took to Google to provide answers actually makes me laugh.

fear the bananas in pyjamas
...for they will one day be your masters.

fanfiction appendicitis
Why do I predict this will end with a story about waking up in a bathtub full of ice feeling slightly lighter on your right side?

fic verminous scumm
Verminous Skumm fanfiction? Really? Of all the...really?

fuck my kid hard little girl
Nope, not happening, Google.

google, you're completely shit
Yeah, that's right. The title of my blog post is an actual search term.

hermes andarkis picture AND hermes endakis photo
One question: why?

ian ziering hairline
It will never escape him.

jane sibbet bra; jane sibbet dressed ripped AND jane sibbet rape of a tourist
Jane Sibbet, for the love of God, tone it down! I thought we talked about this last time!

leonardo dicaprio in saddle club
People: Veronica may have resembed him, but Leo DiCaprio himself never guest-starred on The Saddle Club. The crazy amount of search terms relating to this blew my mind.

lizzie mcguire, gordo fuck
No, actually, I don't think they ever did that.

lizzy wet the bed
Suddenly Lizzy regrets teaching her mother how to use the Internet.

octopus fucks mermaid
Oh hey, sea creature porn. At least we know there can't be anything more sick than that today--

rugrats all grown up incest
LALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING YOU PEOPLE LALALA!

say no to bomb for kids
Oh, faulty syntax. I don't understand! Are we against bombing the kids or giving the kids bombs? Because I have vastly different opinions on both those topics.

stevie from the saddle club and how to act like her
It's a two-step process: bend over, insert stick.

sunny lane saddle face sit
Random words do not an acceptable Google search term make.

the fish wants to squish drugs
Considering all the octopus fucking and mermaid incest I now know goes on under the sea, I'm not surprised you'd want to take at least some control back. No hope with dope, Random Vigilante Fish!

the swan princess rothbart rape?
I gotta say, the question mark really throws me. What seems like yet another cry for oddly specific cartoon porn could actually be a legitimate, innocent question...or at least, words sort-of resembling a sentence...if you squint.

tiffani thiessen/hand amputee
Two phrases you just wouldn't think anyone would Google together.

ughhnnnnhioj,,../l,c, c
You're just not trying anymore, Google Analytics.

Marry Boff Kill: The Ultimate 90s Hunk-Off

2010-07-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

(Note: Originally I wanted to call this post the Ultimate 90s Spunk-Off, mainly because I haven't called a guy a spunk in years, but the phrase 'spunk-off' actually sounds vaguely dirty, and not in a good way. In a teenage boy way. Ugh, those teenage boys.)

So we've all played Marry Boff Kill. The rules are so simple, I'm pretty sure there are monkeys out there playing it and actually making pretty rational decisions. You pick who you want to marry, who you want to boff, and who you want to kill. It's incredibly addictive, and soon you'll be Marry Boff Killing people on the street. (Hopefully not literally.)

Today's round of Marry Boff Kill will involve me pitting hunky (spunky?) 90s heart-throbs against one another in the ultimate game of love, lust and, uh, brutal death. Feel free to play along yourself -- everyone has a different idea on who to marry, boff or kill. It's what separates us from the animals. Except, of course, the monkeys.

Marry: Steve Sanders. Oh, the adventures we'd have as a married couple! We'd cruise around in the 'Vette, exchanging eggs and avoiding crafty Palm Springs trannies. And we would throw the best dinner parties.
Boff: Brandon. It was a toss-up between him and Dylan, but Brandon won out in the end because I find him slightly better looking. As long as he doesn't ruin the mood by talking about politics and how much more his parents loved him compared to Brenda.
Kill: Silver. Like you didn't see that one coming.

Marry: Jordan Catalano. Admittedly, I would eventually grow weary of his aloofness and insensitivity, but the 'boff' option means that I'd only get to do him once. And for someone who looks like Jordan Catalano, the only way to boff him is repeatedly. Repeatedly and often. So marriage it is.
Boff: Rickie Vasquez. Yeah, I'm not really sure how it'd work, either, considering that he's an out and proud friend of Dorothy. Maybe he's having a bad day and feeling really bad about himself, or maybe we're trapped in a snow cave and need to create some body heat, I don't know. I really haven't thought this through.
Kill: Brian Krakow. You know you're going bad when I'd rather boff a gay guy with absolutely zero sexual interest in me than you, Brian Krakow. Your death will be painful.

Marry: Pacey. Because Jesus, you guys, it's Pacey! Pacey's awesome! He's funny, he's handsome, he has a freakin' boat and his own convention! Plus, my fantasy brother-in-law could get me out of speeding tickets.
Boff: Jen. Don't look at me like that! I couldn't very well say Jack, now could I? I've already filled up my gay boff quota with ol' Rickie up there. Who else am I going to boff? Dawson?
Kill: Dawson. Hopefully he'll make his crying face.

This one.

Marry: Spike. Sure, he's evil a lot of the time, but who isn't in Sunnydale? We'd have to fix up the crypt a little, but nothing a trip to Ikea couldn't rectify. Plus, I wouldn't have to cook for him.
Boff: Angel. Actually, that could end badly...
Kill: Xander. I feel like he'd think he was funnier than me. That just really doesn't work. Plus, he had the syph, so I'm not letting him anywhere near my lady business.

Marry: Nick. Definitely a toss-up between him and Daniel, but I feel like Nick's more the marrying type. As long as we keep the non-alcoholic beer away from him.
Boff: Daniel. Preferrably on Lindsay Weir's bed while her teddies watched from the floor.
Kill: Ken. I really, really want to kill Sam, but I thought I'd just stick with the freaks on this one. PS: This is one of the only times I'd ever choose to kill Seth Rogen. I have an inexplicable crush on him, but Nick and Daniel are just too damn delicious. Them's the breaks, Rogen.

Marry: Brad. Tall, blonde, cool -- dude has it all. As long as he doesn't have that awful Backstreet-Boys-meets-a-buzzcut hair he used to have going on. That's a dealbreaker, ladies.
Boff: Randy. He's kind of a smarmy dick, though, which is why I went for the boff and not the marry.
Kill: Mark. I almost put him down as a sympathy boff, simply because nobody liked Mark and I feel sorry for the guy, but I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to fantasy lay JTT.

Marry: Uncle Jesse. Oh God, Uncle Jesse. Mullet, non-mullet, family man, non-family man -- any which way, I would marry him. Just as long as we didn't have to live in the Tanner's attic. Have mercy!
Boff: Steve. I was looking for a way out of boffing Danny Tanner, and Steve seems like a sensible option. I think he'd really appreciate it, too, considering DJ wouldn't let him touch any part of her body that didn't have fingers.
Kill: Uncle Joey. By stabbing. With a rusty knife. Repeatedly. In the face. And maybe a couple of times in the junk. And I might also let Comet eat his remains while he was still alive, a la Mickey Rourke in Sin City.

Marry: Slater. Okay, so he's kind of an a-hole, kind of a mysogynist. But he's also kind of totally ripped, and if Jessie "I'm So Excited" Spano can handle him, I'm sure I could.
Boff: Zach. Yes, he's an absolute dreamboat, but I'd get too sick of his bullshit to be married to him for any lengthy period of time.
Kill: Screech. Because seriously, fucker's had it coming for years.

Your turn!! Go forth and Marry Boff Kill 'til your heart's content!

Madeline: Pilot (Or, Madeline Gets Appendicitis)

2010-07-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

Your blogger is back from a month-long vacation
Oh please, no need for a standing ovation!

Why, you may ask, is the blog post in rhyme?
Because today's show is none other than...Madeline!

As we all know, dear Madeline thrived in the ninteties.
...Her day-to-day life chronicled so fine-ties.

Oh goodness, poor Lorelai's struggling already
To keep up the rhyming pace nice and steady.

In her defence, it's but two in the morning
And she's killing time, but not to watch tomorrow's dawning.
The Boston Red Sox are live on TV
But it's hard when you live in Australia, you see.

Enough with this tangent, the subject I'm morphin'.
Let's get on with recapping this redheaded orphan.

In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines.
Lived twelve little girls in two straight lines.
The smallest one was Madeline.

She was the only one who wouldn't sit still
Much to the chagrin of poor Miss Clavel.

(By the way, why on earth do they all call her 'Miss'
When a nun should be Sister, or even just Sis?
My high school principal was a nun so I really should know
Considering how many times in her office my face I did show.)

At dinner Madeline pretends to choke on her bread
Because it's always so funny to pretend to be dead.
Perhaps it's foreshadowing what is to come
Since Madeline is headed for operating theatre number one.

The girls then brushs their teeth and go to bed
To prepare for another day of walking-in-two-straight-lines ahead.
(That shit can be very tiring, as truly
It takes far less effort to be bad and unruly.)

But as soon as Miss Clavel leaves for the night,
Madeline initiates a pillow fight.
God, she would be like the worst roommate ever.
You'd never get to sleep -- like seriously, never.

Madeline scares the girls with shadow puppets
And they all fall for it, the silly little muppets.

Chloe and Danielle are particlarly frightened,
and wow, I still remember their names -- how enlightened!

Madeline grabs a bedspring and begins to push it.
Apparently she is not done with tonight's round of bullshit.
None of the girls fall for it again, though
They believe they've outsmarted their redheaded foe.

The next day the girls go out for a walk around
To see what's going on in old Paris town.

(Remember how we're in Paris? Well, if you forget
There's a flag on the Eiffel Tower -- just like real life, I bet.)

Madeline does some more borderline attention-seeking crap.
Like she only really has personality compared to the other boring saps.

The girls are thoroughly amused by a clown
But when they see a robber they give him a frown.
Never mind that he's a fucking robber, and you'd think they would flee
I think we're seeing some of Miss Clavel's sadistic personality.

Suddenly it's snowing, though it wasn't before
Has time gone forward or something? I'm really not sure.

They pass by a soldier with some kind of war wound
And to cheer him they present him with their ballons.
I'm sure that made up for all the horror's he's seen
Like, "Screw PTSD; twelve balloons from preteens!"

Madeline runs rampant in the park the next day.
Poor Miss Clavel doesn't know what to say.
Apparently "stop fucking doing that," will not do.
Although come to think of it, that's probably not God-approved.

Miss Clavel actually has to carry her home.
I feel sorry for her walking partner, always alone.

In the kitchen, Madeline plays with some mice.
Nobody thinks to warn her about diseases or anything, they're just all, "How nice!"
Methinks Miss Clavel is hoping our little adventurer
Will end up with some sort of Parisian cholera.

Madeline decides to sing a ditty admitting
How her attempts to scare Miss Clavel aren't so unwitting.
Wow, Maddie dearest, you really are swell
Deliberately frightening poor Miss Clavel.

You'd think she'd show some respect to a freakin' nun
But every chance she takes, Maddie goes on the run.
Like I get that she's adventurous and spunky and brave
But she's sending her teacher to an early grave.

The next day on the girls' compulsory walk,
Madeline is feeling too unwell to talk
Too unwell to skip or jump or run or play
Why, she's just like all the other orphans today!

Everyone's all, "Gosh, Madeline, what the heck's happened to ya?
How are we all supposed to live vicariously through ya?
It's like you're in time-out, but of your own free will!"
Still, nobody thinks the young lass could be ill.

Madeline goes and spreads whatever vermin disease she has with the ducks.
Am I being too harsh? You can tell me, but I kind-of won't give a fuck.
(That rhyme was necessary; by poem laws I obided.
The second I saw the ducks, basically, was when I decided.)

At dinner Madeline doesn't eat her bread
She just gives it to the mice instead.
Surely that will only make the rodents spread.

And so it happens in the middle of the night
Miss Clavel gets her "feeling" that something isn't right.
Of course, why just say it and move right along
When you can immortalise it with a catchy song?

Miss Clavel adorns herself with her robes and her habit
Because whatever that "something" is, it can wait till she's dressed, dagnabbit!

(By the way, anybody remember the live-action movie?
Even young Lorelai didn't find that one too groovy.
My first experience of Frances McDormand; I hadn't seen Fargo.
Thanks to a mother-imposed grown-up movie embargo.)

She rushes into the girls room; Madeline's looking unwell.
Though I notice none of the girls thought to alert Miss Clavel.

Some doctor comes, and get this -- the dude rides a bike
I think a car would be more appropriate, but no, whatever you like.

He disangoses poor Maddie with a ruptured appendix
Then carries her away to the hospital, quick sticks!
Gosh, I hope his bike has some sort of basket
Or Madeline's journey home may be in a casket.

The girls think Madeline's dying; they're going through hell!
Don't correct them or anything, will you, Miss Clavel.

The next morning, Madeline ain't in her bed.
She's still at the hospital, or possibly dead.
Chloe starts crying for Maddie lost appendix.
Um...excuse me while I think of a way to casually bring up Jimi Hendrix.

(That wasn't it, I know.)

"But what's an appendix?" Danielle asks her peers
Nicole says it's a head thing -- that does not quell their fears.
Danielle is afraid that Madeline will return
With a hole in her head, but soon they all learn
That an appendix is...well, I don't know, something lame
And Madeline will soon be returning again.

Hopefully this excercise is not one in futility.
And someone finally diagnoses her ADHD.

In the hospital, Madeline is well on the mend.
Her appendix is gone, so the brat's back again.

It's a rather good thing Maddie's well and alive
Since without her the rest of the girls can't survive.

Like, seriously, you should see their daily routine
Without the assistance of their ginger queen.

They frown at the clown and smile at the robber
Did he...did he get away last time or something? Stupid copper.

But honestly, this goes beyond simple devotion
Without Madeline, they don't understand human emotion.

Dear Miss Clavel is positively brokenhearted
To discover her orphans are borderline retarded.
Back at home the girls brush their bread and break their teeth
Surely this is much more than the side effect of grief!

In the hospital, it seems our friend Madeline is bored
She harrasses the nurses, and they're all, "Good lord!
A girl who likes tigers and snowmen and mice!
From a girl so, so young -- why, this will not suffice!"

Ten scant days later, on a morning quite fine,
Miss Clavel tells the girls, "Let's visit Madeline!"
I kind-of love how they didn't visit her sooner
Specially considering they thought she had some kind of tumor.

The girls all hop aboard a minibus, and
Sing about the fun times they all once had
They're singing and dancing like Madeline's gone
To the great big Lourve in the sky, oh-hohn-hohn.

(Yes, I rhymed the French laugh, so believe all the hype
What a commitment I have to my French stereotypes!)

The girls stop on the way to buy Maddie a gift.
Hopefully to smooth out the "We kinda just left you in the hospital for a week and a half by yourself without so much as a visit" rift.

But when they arrive at the hospital, they
Were far more surprised than I can say.
It seemed at first like Santa had come, but rather,
She'd just gotten a shitload of toys from her deadbeet father.
Because nothing says, "Hey darling, please don't be sad,"
Like some store-bought love from an absentee dad.

The best gift of all, Madeline thought, by far,
Was given to her by the surgeons -- her scar!
She thinks that this scar makes her suddenly above it,
So naturally she has to make a production of it.

She sings, she dances, while her scar she's barin'.
Imagine how much fun she'll have with a cesarian!

The girl are impressed, and when they return home
They break out the markers and draw scars of their own.
One of the dafter girls draws herself a 'B'
Gah, I hope that ink's not on there permanently!

The girls go to bed and say their goodnights
As a ragged Miss Clavel turns out all the lights
Making sure they are sleeping, she closes the door
And that's all there is, there isn't any more.

...

Truly, you guys, this is just how it ends
With dear old scarred Madeline away from her friends
You'd think they'd have shown us her joyous return
I guess a little isolation's the only way she will learn
That she has an unhealthy need for attention
Her personality problems? Too many to mention.

I must end this blog post, before I go crazy.
Have I proven to you that I'm not all that lazy?
Though now that I've finally put pen to paper
I can see I'm appaling at this rhyming caper.
Like 'puppets' with 'muppets? What the hell was I thinking?
I can assure you in my absense I have not started drinking.

So see you all later, see you next time
Hopefully by then I will have stopped speaking in rhyme.

*Sighs* This is just...I'm sorry. Note to self: ignore any early-morning blogging urges from now on, and stick to the daylight hours.

An Open Letter To Jordan Catalano

2010-06-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Jordan Catalano,

You and I don't know each other very well, but I feel compelled to write to you anyway. See, My So-Called Life was one of those TV shows that my mother didn't want me watching when it originally aired, so I had to be stealth. I don't know why I kept tuning in week after week, since I was really quite young and understood approximately 5% of what was happening in any given scene. But you see, Jordan Catalano, things have changed since the nineties. Things have happened. More specifically, DVDs have happened. Now, thanks to this modern wonder, and also my friendly local librarians who purchased it for their library and saved me like forty bucks, you and I are finally getting a second chance, the second chance I always knew we deserved.

This is you, in case you've forgotten.

There are so many things I want to say to you, Jordan Catalano. (There are actually more things I want to do to you, but you're only like seventeen or something, right? So that's gross, right? I'm thinking I'd better keep this post clean and, more importantly, legal.) You are a very strange soul. You do the weirdest crap, like, all the time. It's no wonder Angela Chase is literally crazy about you. And not in the cute, "Aw, I'm so crazy about you, Jordan Catalano" kind of way, either. There are times when I feel like she's literally a half step away from flying over the cuckoo's nest because of the things you do.

You're a man of few words, Jordan Catalano, that's for sure. I like to think you actually possess a deep fountain of emotion under all that teen angst, but your communication skills need a little work. And surely you're not as dumb as you seem, but trust me, Jordan Catalano, you do seem dumb sometimes. I mean, like when you told Angela that you wanted to make snow for a living. Do you really think that's a thing, or have you just seen Edward Scissorhands too many times? If you take Winona Ryder movies that seriously, I fear that the never-made second season of MSCL would've had you and Christian Slater running around trying to knock off all the Heathers.

Stripey you!

There are some people out there (mainly mentally-unstable Brian Krakow fans) who think you're mean, that you don't deserve the wonderful Angela Chase. And admittedly, Jordan Catalano, there are times when I've thought something similar, the most obvious being:

-- The time Angela was upset over a rumour that you two had sex, and your extremely thoughtful way of dealing with the situation was to tell her that since everyone's talking about it, maybe you guys should just do it anyway. Like really, Jordan Catalano, you were going so well with the whole "I'd never screw you and then tell everyone about it" speech and then, bam! Ruined.

-- When you made out with Angela in the boiler room til your heart's content, then refused to be seen in public with her. Angela Chase is hot, okay, Jordan Catalano? Way Hotter than Cynthia Hardgrove and her semi-precious pimple. No amount of Shakespeare appreciation and hallway hand-holding is going to make up for that.

-- That night you were supposed to meet her parents, and totally just didn't show. Not even a phone call or anything. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is for a fifteen-year-old girl, to get all excited about a boy coming over to the point where she actually told her parents, and then you stand her up? I was so mad at you, Jordan Catalano. Wait, not mad. More like disappointed. Disappointed and mad.

-- And oh yeah, that time YOU HAD SEX WITH RAYANNE GRAFF IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR CAR. What were you thinking, Jordan Catalano, what? Getting drunk with Rayanne, alone, in a parking lot? How did that sound like a good idea to you? And in your car, of all places? That car was a metaphor for yours and Angela's relationship! Of all the places to do it, you go and defile poor old Red with your manwhoreness? Not cool, Jordan Catalano. Not. Cool.

Pictured: Not cool.

Okay, so reading the above points might point to the fact that the Krakow lovers are right, but let's look at it this way -- you're a teenage boy. It's actually quite refreshing to see a teenage boy doing dumb teenage boy stuff. Sometimes I feel like teen show writers have never actually met a seventeen-year-old male in their lives, but you? You're terrible at expressing yourself. You're self-involved. You didn't go to the Dawson Leery school of Vocabulary No Teenage Boy Should Ever Know. Plus, have you met Brian Krakow? He's not exactly the catch of the year. He's exactly as socially stunted and clueless about women as you are, Jordan Catalano, only he gets to hide behind his "awkward nerd" persona all the time, like it's an excuse to be unnecessarily cruel to Delia Fisher or something.

Plus, let's look at some of the heart-throb characters of today's teen shows for a second, shall we? I've compiled a list of swoon-worthy sex gods from the noughties (and one from your era, the nineties) for the sole purpose of proving that you're really not so bad.

Noah Puckerman (Glee) -- had sex with, and subsequently knocked up, his best friend's girlfriend; proclaimed to love said best friend's girlfriend while simultaneously having sex with pretty much anything that moves; throws nerds into dumpsters; generally acts like a jerk-ass prick to everyone, all the time.

Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars) -- treated Veronica like dirt for approximately 74% of the show's run; slept with his best friend's stepmother and, later, his best friend's only long-term girlfriend; set fire to a hotel in Mexico and promptly ran away as fast as he could; started a relationship with the daughter of the witness in his murder trial in an attempt to blackmail him into not testifying.

Dylan McKay (Beverly Hills, 90210) -- was always kind-of a violent asshole to begin with; fell in love with his girlfriend's best friend while she was in France; acted like a put-out douchebag when she got mad at him for it; slept with a girl he knew his (and my) buddy Steve Sanders was interested in; invited his best friend's girlfriend to go on a trip around the world with him in an attempt to prove that they're soulmates; started a relationship with a girl simply to get close enough to her father to kill him. Like, that's not code for anything. I mean seriously kill him with a gun. Goddamn, Dylan's a tool.

So you see, Jordan Catalano, you're not so bad. Even when you do the worst kind of teen shit, you always seem to make up for it somehow. Like before, when I told you that no amount of hallway hand-holding would make up for publicly dissing Angela? Well, I lied a little. That moment was wonderful. And when you helped out poor, homeless Rickie? Sure, whether taking him to a seedy abandoned warehouse was the best idea is debatable, but it's the thought that counts, I suppose. And that scene in the final episode when you're talking to Angela's mother? Maybe it's just because my mother screwed me up so badly, but that's like the MSCL crowning moment of awesome for me. It was really important to me that she like you. I know it's a sad state of affairs when I need a fictional mother to approve of a fictional boyfriend who isn't even mine, but there you go. See, I may not be a teen, but I'm still angsty.

You really like plaid, don't you, Jordan Catalano?

The fact is, Jordan Catalano, you are the most appealing un-appealing teenager ever. Nobody can ever quite work out what you're thinking, but that in itself basically gives us all carte blanche to believe that you're thinking whatever we want you to be thinking. You may be a slow learner, but with Brian Krakow on your side, surely it won't be long 'till you fully understand that Metamorphosis can never be a true story. I think what I'm trying to say is that I love you, Jordan Catalano. More than Dylan McKay, slightly more than Logan Echolls, maybe not as much as Noah Puckerman. (Don't be offended. His 'Sweet Caroline' number was ever so slightly more panty-dropping than your 'I Wanna Be Sedated', and that song about your car was forever ruined when you banged Rayanne Graff in the backseat.) The fact that we have found each other again after all these years is, like, serendipity or some new-agey crap. And this time, Jordan Catalano, I won't ever let you go.

Faithfully yours,

Lorelai.

A Note To Anyone Reading Who Isn't Jordan Catalano: I'll have a My So-Called Life recap up for you this week, as soon as I work out which of the nineteen fantastic episodes I want to do. Suggestions are welcome.

Time-Travelling with 90210: Now and Then

2010-06-03T21:06:00.001-07:00

I know I've been a lazy blogger of late. Work has been so crazy lately, the only other thing I have time for is uni. And, of course, my social life. It's not my fault I'm shallow; it's just how I turned out.

The other thing I squeeze in between my work-doing, uni-attending and friend-charming is, naturally, 90210-watching. Surprisingly, I have some big news on that front. Remember back when I did my 90210 recap and I professed my undying disgust for 1993-era Brian Austin Green? Well, I'm about midway into the sixth season now, and things have changed. David Silver is growing up right before my very eyes, and it actually scares me a little. Gone are the wishes of Silver dying in a painful accident. Gone are the hopes and dreams that he will get some sort of gnarly blood disease and die alone in a pool of his own bodily fluids. (That was a good one.) Sometimes when he's not on screen, I want him to be. I don't know what's happened, but I like him now. I even liked him with his gross Season Five moustache thing. I'm trying not to, but I can't help it.

Of course, this got me wondering about how time has treated our other 90210 friends, so I did a little research. And by research, I mean Google image-searching. I know, right? I'm like an Aussie Veronica Mars.

Shannen Doherty (Brenda Walsh)

I thought we'd start with the obvious. Anyone who's cared to tune into the new 90210 knows exactly what Brenda Walsh looks like, and the answer is...pretty good, actually. She's even embracing the crow's feet. Mad props, Doherty. Spelling could learn a thing or two from you. Speaking of which...

Tori Spelling (Donna Martin)

Oh, plastic surgery, you cruel thing. You make some stars look like ageless goddesses, and some...well, some end up looking like bad waxwork figures of their former selves. Tori's eyes are dead in that after picture. Deader than they used to be, which was very. Very dead.

Tiffani Thiessen (Valerie Malone)

Tiffani may have lost her 'Amber', but she hasn't lost anything else. I reckon she'd still be able to rock that Kelly Kapowski cheerleading uniform. I must get the name of the landscaper who installed that fountain of youth in her backyard.

Jennie Garth (Kelly Taylor)

Goddamn you, Jennie Garth. Just...goddamn.

Gabrielle Carteris (Andrea Zuckerman)

The fact that Gabi has aged so well has less to do with surgery and/or good genes, and more to do with the fact that she was so damn old when the show began.

Jason Priestley (Brandon Walsh)

I just...I have no words. He looks like Paul Rudd got lost while jogging in 2002 and only recently found his way home. I have to say that out of all of them, I'm most surprised at how Priestley aged. I saw him in an episode of My Name Is Earl not long ago and couldn't place him. That's embarrassing for someone as addicted to 90210 as I am.

Ian Ziering (Steve Sanders)

Wow. Ian actually looks hotter now than he did back in the 90s. The curly blonde mullet appears to have never ever been repeated, and even the ever-worrying receding hairline that plagued Steve Sanders's later years seemed to turn out okay. I definitely still want him for my BFF.

Brian Austin Green (David Silver)

You see what I mean? Did I not tell you? Hot damn, Silver. Hot. Damn. No wonder you're plowing Megan Fox. Noting her sub-par acting skills and trashbag looks, I'm pretty sure she's getting the better end of that deal.

Luke Perry (Dylan McKay)

You guys! Dylan turned into Nat!

Thanks for your patience, peeps. Hopefully I'll have a real recap up soon!

UPDATE!!

Who would've thought that I, the queen of procrastination and laziness, would ever pull out a timely post? As I have just discovered, there was a mini 90210 reunion not too long ago -- my very own fantasy BFF Steve Sanders (or, rather, his portrayer Ian Ziering) got married at the end of last month. Turns out that following Jennie Garth on Twitter was actually good for something. Have a look at our favourite West Beverly alumnists:

L-R: Naomi Lowde-Priestley (aka Mrs. Brandon Walsh); Jason Priestley; that lame vampire doctor guy from Twilight who is somehow Jennie Garth's husband; Jennie Garth herself; the ever-chivalrous Brian Austin Green; and Megan Fox, who apparently did not think to wear clothes or brush her hair.

And of course, Ian and Erin, the happy couple:

Mazel tov, Steve Sanders, you beautiful bastard.

Captain Planet: A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find

2010-05-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

You guys. You guys. As you may know, I've dealt with Captain Planet on this blog before, but not like this. Never like this. I'll bet you thought the strange, almost careless way the Planeteers dealt with drugs was bad, but this, my friends? This is infinitely worse.

Captain Planet is taking on the Fuhrer. That's right. Motherflipping Hitler. I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy, in which way are they going to fuck up a very serious topic like war today?" The answer is all the ways. They fuck it up all the ways they possibly can.

The title of this episode is 'A Good Bomb Is Hard To Find', so I know have the Culture Club's 'A Good Heart' in my head. Thanks a lot, Captain P. Dr. Blight and MAL are hanging out in their jet, scheming their little hearts out. And you know what the presence of MAL means, don't you? It means more Tim Curry. Be still, my heart. Dr. Blight is unveiling her new time travel transporter, and as a test run, she brings her future self here from 2035 or thereabouts. Note: the good doctor does not age well. She doesn't even have her awesome pink suit anymore! She also has a flying MAL replacement, named GAL. Dr. Future Blight (as MAL calls her) complains about how everyone in her time is peace-loving. There are hardly any wars at all! Doesn't seem fair, does it? Dr. Future Blight gets a brilliant idea -- if she can somehow procure a nuclear bomb from this time period, she can go back to the future (hee!) and create a brand new arms race for Fall-Out Boy to sing about.

Dr. Blight and her motley crew fly to Germany and steal plutonium from a plutonium truck. No, really, they do. There's a plutonium truck going down a road, and they jack it and steal all the plutonium. Germany, if this was your security strategy in the forties as well, it doesn't come as a shock to me that you lost.

Back at Hope Island, the Planeteers are hearing about the stolen plutonium on the news. Linka says something in Russian that sounds like "bullshit" (but very cleverly isn't), and Gaia waxes lyrical for a moment about how the real victims of war are the innocent civilians who have to live on contaminated land and whatnot. I find it very hard to listen to what she's saying, because she's not being voiced by Whoopi Goldberg as per usual. In fact, Dr. Blight is no longer Meg Ryan, either! I suppose this must be a later-season episode, because the Planeteers are wearing new clothes and Gi's had some sort of extreme makeover. I guess she's sick of playing second fiddle to the impossibly sexy Linka.

The Drs. Blight are on their way back home...wherever they live. MAL declares that the ship is above maximum capacity because apparently plutonium's heavy. I wouldn't know; I've never really stolen plutonium before. (I guess I'm old-fashioned that way.) The jet starts to flip out, and Dr. Blight declares that they have to lighten the load, and then for some reason has a bitch-fight with her future self. It's just...I don't even know what happened. One minute they were talking about the jet's capacity, the next they're fighting one another, even though they're the same frickin' person. Then all of a sudden they stop fighting. That's...well, great, I guess, but I'm so confused. Why is any of this happening? To avoid crashing to their deaths, Dr. Blight and her future self transport themselves, GAL and the plutonium back World War II-era Germany. MAL presumably goes down with the ship, exploding in a fiery electrical death. Oh, Tim Curry. You deserve so much better.

The Planeteers make their way to present-day Germany via geo-cruiser, to investigate that whole plutonium-napping thing, I guess. Suddenly they get caught up in an electrical storm, and like always, are forced to call Captain Planet because they can't do anything for themselves. He tells the gang that they're caught in a warp in the space-time continuum, which is actually a really cool thing to know offhand like that. He says, "I think I can repel the storm. Just don't tell anyone about my repulsive personality." Oh, Captain Planet and his puns. Nobody with a mullet should ever be that cocky.

The Planeteer jet lands safely, but is accosted by a bunch of German soldiers. They are told to put their hands up and surrender, and they do so...even Captain Planet. Aw jeez, Cappy, you're a fucking superhero. Fly away already! The commander says that they must be part of the terrorist gang who nabbed the plutonium. They talk about Dr. Blight for a bit, then Captain Planet makes a joke about plutonium and bad doctors that I for the life of me do not understand, and then Captain P finally remembers that he has superpowers and zaps the Germans. Or something. I'm not really sure what Captain Planet's powers are specifically, just that he always seems to have the exact power he needs at the exact time he needs it. How he still manages to fail as a superhero is baffling.

Back on the geo-cruiser, Linka remarks that the way the soldiers were talking made it sound like there were two Dr. Blights. Gaia's big floaty head appears out of nowhere and tells them that there are two Dr. Blights, and one's from the future. Gaia, if you seriously know everything, why don't you be the superhero, huh? So useless. Plus, this new Gaia has a strange, Holly Hunter-esque voice. I find her cold. Then we get this:

Gaia: "They're in the past altering history to ensure a war-filled future. Or is it present?
Captain Planet: "That explains the time warp we were caught in!"

No, Captain P. No, it doesn't. At all. Gaia tells the kids that they have to stop the Drs. Blight before it's too late, and Captain Planet reiterates that the power is theirs and fucks off somewhere. Because -- what? Gaia literally tells the Planeteers that they have to stop two women who are actually the same women who are also in a completely different time period than they are, and Captain Planet's all, "Alrighty then, have fun with that. Let me know how it goes." Is that seriously what just happened? Captain Planet, you're the worst. You are not, as the theme song, suggests, a hero. You're on the Ma-Ti level of uselessness right now. That's the lowest level!

Back in WWII, Dr. Blight and Dr. Future Blight are having a bomb-building contest. Dr. Blight is exceptionally proud of her bomb, which is bigger that her future self's. They plan to sell the bomb to a certain unnamed evil dictator for a shitload of money, even though they're clearly American and the enemy. Why the leader of Germany would ever buy weapons from these people is beyond me.

The Planeteers find Dr. Blight's ship in some Indonesian country. The natives are apparently unused to geo-cruisers landing in their village. Gi leads the way to the wreckage, but all of a sudden, a village girl leaps out of nowhere, pushing Gi aside as an explosion goes off. The girl gets up and explains that it was a landmine left over from a war. Oh, and she only has one leg. Yep, a landmine got her way back when. I'm feeling a whole lot of uncomfortable right now, because Captain Planet doesn't exactly treat sensitive issues like these particularly well. I'm just waiting for it to all go wrong. The girl tells us how she was playing here one day, and she and her friend ran into a landmine. She lived, but her friend died, because what's a Very Special Episode of Captain Planet without some sort of unfortunate death? The girl offers to lead the Planeteers to the crash site of Dr. Blight's jet. None of them think to say, "Oh no, one-legged girl, that's quite all right. You see, we're quasi-superpeople who have rings that control the elements. Please, don't trouble yourself." Of course they don't. They let the amputee lead the way, straight to possible -- nay, probable -- danger. Good lookin' out, guys.

Back in Germany, the Drs. Blight have somehow set up a meeting with a bunch of heads of state, including Hitler. Only he's totally not Hitler, people. Nobody ever calls him Hitler. He just looks and sounds exactly like Hitler, and rules a country that was most definitely ruled by Hitler during this point in history. But he has a handlebar moustache, not that little postage stamp thing Hitler usually rocked. Therefore it can't be Hitler, and nobody gets sued. Dr. Future Blight tells them that this bomb is so powerful, it makes all other bombs look like toys. I'm sorry, but...did Dr. Blight just invent the atom bomb? Is that what I'm supposed to be getting from this episode? Because...wow. That's just wow. Some other European stereotype calls bullshit, saying that such technology hasn't been invented yet. Dr. Blight reveals that they're from the future, and somehow this makes all the dictators trust them even more.

To prove their point, the good doctors detonate a bomb as a demonstration. In...in Germany? Is that really a good idea? You just blew up a village in Hitler's own country. And also, if you can see the mushroom cloud, you're probably standing too close. For some reason, the Fuhrer loves the demonstration. He maniacally says, "I bid seventy-five million deutschmarks on this atom bomb." Okay, so it's definitely an atom bomb. Wrong side, Blighty. Dr. Future Blight's reaction: "Heil Fuhrer, baby!" Dude, if that was the real Hitler, you'd so be choking on about sixty bullets right now.

Back in the little Asian village, Wheeler is oh-so-sensitively asking the village girl what sort of burgers they have around here. Sigh. Wheeler, you can see that they're living in fucking huts. It's a third-world country, and you're making a one-legged girl feel like shit right now. You douchebag. The kids find Dr. Blights ship, and holy day -- MAL survived the crash! After threatening to shut him down permanently, MAL tells the Planeteers about Dr. Blight's plan to sell atomic bombs to Biker!Hitler. Ma-Ti declares, "We cannot let that happen!" Ma-Ti, be quiet and let the adults talk. The gang decide to use the time machine to stop the Blights.

War time again. France and Germany are locked in a bidding war for the atom bomb, and Hitler yells, "Stop bidding against me or I will invade YOU!" Is that supposed to be a German invasion joke, really? Besides, I'm pretty sure France is already invaded by now. France surrenders to Hitler like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys we know they are. The Planeteers arrive just in time, and Linka, queen of the understatement, calls Hitler a barbarian. Hitler says nothing, I suspect because she's relatively Aryan-looking. Eventually he arrests them all. Like you didn't see that one coming. I mean, two of them are black and one of them's an Asian, for goodness' sake! Oh, and he arrests the Blights as well, because why wouldn't he? He's bloody Hitler. Why would he pay over a billion dollars for a bomb he can just take? After all, "Ze Fuhrer does not barter. He CONQUERS!" And yells out words at the end of his SENTENCES! Dr. Future Blight yells at her younger self for telling her they could trust this guy. Hey Dr. Future Blight, if you're from the future and all, how did you not know this was going to happen? And also, trusting Hitler? Even I could've told you that was a bad idea. They get into another tussle, and this one ends in Dr. Future Blight accidentally setting turning on the timer for the atom bomb. Um, well, fuck, I guess. That can't not end badly.

The Planeteers call on Captain Planet, but not before Ma-Ti elbows Hitler in the head. Think about how ludicrous that is for a second. Ma-Ti, ruler of Feeb World, just tried to knock out the Fuhrer. Captain Planet arrives and comes face-to-face with Hitler, who isn't unconscious or anything. Ma-Ti didn't even bruise him. Suddenly Captain P gets the sweats and doubles over in pain. You know why? Because "I wasn't prepared for the level of hate radiating from that monster!" Read a fucking history book every once in a while, Cappy. And also, I can't believe that his kryptonite is hate. Hate! Doesn't that mean his enemies can kill him just by being there? I'm pretty sure they don't exactly love him.

Captain Planet manages to muster up enough strength to grab the bomb and take it to outer space before it explodes. Because fuck Mars; what has it done for us lately? The bomb explodes in space, and sends Captain Planet hurtling back to earth, spouting some lame bullshit about there being no such thing as a good bomb. Not even an atomic blast can shut this guy up. The Germans surrender to a bunch of American soldiers who just appear out of nowhere, and I guess Hitler gets arrested. Captain Planet just unashamedly rewrote history. I sure hope no kids watched this and bragged to their teachers at school the next day about how World War II was ended by a shiny silver man with a green mullet.

The time portal opens, and the Planeteers (and the Blights) rush back to the future, but not before the village girl writes a note and gives it to one of the soldiers. Was she there the whole time? Why did they even bring her? She only has one leg; was it really necessary to drag her to a war zone? Before Captain Planet pushes her into the portal, Dr. Blight offers the American soldiers a look at her atomic bomb recipe book for a price, but drops it just before they're all teleported back to the future. The American soldier picks it up and says that he'd better give it to their "science boys", because it could be important. Wow, okay, are you trying to imply that Dr. Blight is directly responsible for Hiroshima? Because that exchange can't mean anything but that...right? It's like one of those cute little scenes in time travel movies where someone accidentally alters history in a cute little way that makes the audience go, "Ah! I see what you did there!" Like Marty McFly giving Chuck Berry 'Johnny B. Good', except ha ha, this time it killed tens of thousands of people. Nice freakin' going.

Back in the present, Captain Planet makes the Drs. Blight de-mine the village, and they actually do it for some reason. Oh, and MAL and GAL fall in love, even though GAL is MAL's upgrade in the future, so he's kinda making out with himself. (Yes, the robots make out. That is so not the weirdest part of this episode.) The village girl tells the Planeteers that she'll guide them back to the geo-cruiser, because apparently she hasn't done quite enough for them today, and -- holy crap, she has two legs now! Everyone's like, "How in pluperfect hell did that happen?" and the girl tells them that the letter she gave to the soldier was to be given to her grandparents, warning them of the dangers of the minefield. I hope that means her poor friend's alive now, too. Gi ends the episode by reminding is that if we pay attention to the future, we don't have to repeat our mistakes. Or something. She completely missed the point, but I was pretty much expecting her to.

And...well, that's it. Captain Planet meets Hitler. I'm not buying that there was actually any substantial message in that episode, though. I'm pretty sure they just discovered that someone in the cast could do a gnarly Hitler impression, and wondered how they could profit from it. In any case, that episode actually aired on normal person TV at some point. Just...just think about that for a second. Humanity is well and truly doomed.

The Little Mermaid TV: The Evil Manta

2010-04-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

Kids, sometimes in life there are little coincidences. Take, for instance, this episode of The Little Mermaid TV series. Voicing the evil manta is everyone's favourite everything, the incomparable Tim Curry, who I believe I've already pledged my undying love to on this blog. What you may not know (unless you're either stalking me or are me) is that not too many years ago, after watching Tim Curry's Home Alone 2 on my old childhood VHS, I stuck around after the end credits to see if there was anything else on the tape. And oh God, there was. There was. This very episode, starring the voice of the evil Plaza Hotel concierge himself. See? Coincidence.

I'm not quite done yet. You may remember that mere weeks ago, I rekindled my love of Salute Your Shorts. There was themed T-shirt buying and everything. As I was watching Budnick doing something cheeky every single episode, I couldn't help but notice that his voice was strangely familiar, and came to the conclusion that he was just some voiceover actor we've all heard a million times. Naturally, I was right on the money, but get this -- Budnick himself (or Danny Cooksey, rather) voices the merman Urchin in The Little Mermaid! In this episode! Again, coincidence.

Also, I should warn you that I loved this show when I was a tot, to the point where my dad used to have to tape it for me every week during Saturday Disney. Then he taped over it with soccer. Which I think is more irony than coincidence, but it doesn't change the fact that one fine day, a little girl put on her 'Ariel' tape expecting to go on mermaid adventures and ended up watching Manchester United battle Arsenal. I cried into my Little Mermaid magazine for weeks.

Even if you didn't watch this early nineties awesome-fest of a show, I'm pretty sure you know all the characters by now, so let's just get straight into the recap, shall we?

(No embeddable videos this time around, but you can click the links to see the ep.)

I'm going to start by saying that this Little Mermaid theme song is absolutely beautiful. There's no other way to say it. It's got elements of 'Part of Your World', 'Under The Sea' and 'Kiss the Girl' in an orgy of made-for-the-film ballads. An orgy, I tells you. It's a prehistoric mash-up, way before those singy-dancey folk from Glee were making them cool.

Things are a'happening in Atlantica today. Underwater sea creatures are dancing with other underwater sea creatures. Swordfish and octopi are eating meals together. Ariel and Flounder are playing some sort of blindfold tag which I'm not sure is completely safe. King Triton and Urchin are off to watch the turtle race together. (Gee, he even looks like Budnick.) The aquatic city is -- dare I say it? -- harmonious. A little too harmonious...

Ariel and Flounder, sick of playing their strange little game of Marco Polo, head on over to the scary dark part of the ocean. If we're keeping with Disney terms, it's kinda like the underwater equivalent of Scar's elephant graveyard. Because when my town is buzzing with music and excitement, I know I just gotta get out of there quick-smart. (That's actually only a little bit sarcastic.) Ariel finds a couple of crystal-type things on the ocean floor, but then panics when she hears a pained voice in the volcano. She rushes to the top, only to find a pair of creepy yellow eyes staring at her from a crack in the volcano. Thinking some poor soul is trapped in there, Ariel decides to try and free him. Flounder warns her about a mermaid legend he's heard where all the merpeople shut up a monster in the volcano to save their town. He's a little skimpy on the details. Ariel doesn't believe him, because just look at this poor soul with his yellow eyes and ominous background music and the fact that his character is actually called 'evil manta'! How could he possibly be bad?

Ariel gets to work on the volcano using the sharp crystals she just happened to find moments before. In no time, the volcano erupts and out pops a scary, buff evil manta. (As the title may or may not have suggested.) I don't believe said manta is anatomically correct, unless they actually are part man, part stingray, part Captain Planet. And really, what are the odds of that? It's more like a Transformer manta. The evil manta thanks Ariel for unleashing unholy hell on her once-beautiful city and then goes off to do something evil. Ariel's like, "Aw, crap."

Back in Atlantica, an octopus (the one we met at the start who was BFFs with the swordfish) is working on his tentacle muscle definition, when the evil manta comes by and tells him, "You have charm, charisma and not one but eight beautiful legs." Great, Ariel's freed a date rapist. Nice job, you little redheaded fruitcake. The evil manta continues, telling the octopus that he is far superior to the aforementioned BFF swordfish. At first the octopus stands up for his long-snouted friend, but eventually the evil manta's brainwashing gets the better of him. Then the evil manta heads on over to where the swordfish is hanging out, and feeds him some bullshit about how he's too good for the octopus. Oh, Disney, you have truly outdone yourself. When was the last time a cartoon villain tried to destroy the world with psychology? It's way scarier than violence, and you don't even have to be an incredibly toned purple sea creature to do it. It does seem like all that brute strength is going to waste, though.

Eventually, the evil manta turns all the residents of Atlantica against one another using nothing but his words and his impressive understanding of the human (?) psyche. Ariel watches on in horror, then defiantly announces that she's going to stop him. Way to be the hero, Ariel. It's not like you're the one who unleashed him on the city in the first place or anything. Sometimes I feel like all The Little Mermaid is, is Ariel fucking up and then becoming a heroine when she finally fixes her own mistakes. (And by 'fixes her own mistakes', I mean 'runs to her daddy who inevitably uses his kingliness to fix his stupid daughter's mistakes.')

Ariel makes a net out of seaweed, and she and Flounder trap the evil manta, but he gets out of it pretty damn quick by zapping it with his tail. (Or is it a stinger? I'm not particularly well-versed in manta anatomy.) The evil manta declares that, "I am more powerful than friendship, more powerful than love." Okay, I see where you're going with this, manta dearest...but if you're so powerful, then why don't you try and do something less completely lame? Not that I'm knocking his mad brainwashing skillz, because they rock and they rock hard, but using your power to make everyone a little bit sad? Hmm. Get them to rob a bank for you or something, I don't know.

The evil manta goes a'wandering around Atlantica, inexplicably talking to himself. In his little monologue, he states in no uncertain terms that, "I just love spreading the shadow of prejudice. It blots out friendships before they've even begun." Sigh. While I get that this whole evil-manta-spreads-hate storyline was always going to be part of a Message of the Day, I really didn't think they'd spell it out for us so boldly. Luckily, Tim Curry makes even the least awesome lines of dialogue into something truly amazing. Seriously, Tim Curry, if you ever asked me to marry you, I'd be walking down that aisle quicker than you could say Muppet Treasure Island.

The Atlanticans begin segregating themselves from each other. The eels build electric fences, the octopi all link hands and create a Great Wall of, uh, Octopi, I guess. They start blaming all the other species for all the problems facing the ocean. Hmm, while I really don't mind the evil manta spreading the hate around town and laughing maniacally when everything turns to shit, I'm not sure I really approve of all the political propaganda being funnelled through this episode.

Ariel calls a meeting, and the townsfolk agree to this for some reason. It seems weird to me that she's the only merperson in the town. Where are her billion sisters? Didn't they think to maybe come help save their town? Anyway, the different species all stand together and whisper rumours about everyone else. My favourite is the lobster who's badmouthing the turtles by saying, "The minute they're in their shells, [whispers] they do unspeakable things." Wow, really? Unspeakable things in their shells, huh? Well come on, buddy. Even turtles have their needs. For some reason, the swordfish tries to get all up in the octopus ghetto, and when his ex-friend tells him to fuck off, the swordfish uh, stabs him. That's pretty much the only thing I can call it. Then the octopus runs into the dolphins, and it turns into a full-on melee. I'm talking a Japanese parliament-type melee here. Ariel wigs out.

In all the confusion, Flounder and Ariel are separated. The manta uses this time to brainwash the poor little dude about how yucky mermaids are. Oh boy, now it's personal. He announces his intentions to psychologically cripple Ariel as well, because his tendency to talk to himself is getting worse. As soon as the manta leaves, Ariel rushes over and tries to convince Flounder that they're best friends, and Flounder tells her that he's not brainwashed -- he was just faking! Aw, Flounder, you rule. While they're having their Hallmark moment, the townspeople arrive and see "a mermaid and a fish together? Have you ever seen anything so strange?" Oh no, interracial friendship! Burn them! I accuse Goody Ariel!

Ariel and Flounder hurry off to a cave to shield themselves from the angry mob. Flounder wonders what the big deal is -- he and Ariel have always been friends. Then we get an extremely cool flashback detailing the first time the two met. Gosh, I love flashbacks. One thing worth noting is that Ariel really did go through an awkward, ugly stage like all of us...but still seemed to always have those monster boobies of hers.

Ariel (present Ariel) decides that she won't sit down and let the evil manta ruin her peaceful little town. Hey Ariel, you know what else might have prevented that? Not letting him out of the freakin' volcano in the first place. Just something for you to think about. With Flounder's help, Ariel rounds up the troops and tells them that it's the evil manta who's really speaking for them. They're like, "Bullshit, the evil manta's not even here!" So how does one solve a terrible, complex situation like this? With a jaunty tune, of course! That's the Disney way! Ariel sings "In Harmony", a song about how our differences are why we should all love each other. And let me tell you -- it's bloody brilliant. I could've sung it for you verbatim even before viewing this episode, that's how memorable it is. Suddenly, all of Atlantica's racism troubles have melted away. Everyone's singing and dancing with each other; it's all very Hairspray. Oh, and the octopus and the swordfish have made up, in case you were interested. (I know I was.)

While all this is going on, the evil manta is still talking to himself, bragging about how after he's through with Ariel, Atlantica will be his to control. (Even though Triton, Sebastian and Urchin and possibly many others are off at that turtle race, totally oblivious to what's going on.) Suddenly he hears the painful sound of music. The evil manta does not like music. He absolutely hates it, almost as much as he hates harmony, sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and everything that's wonderful when we're together. He rushes over to where the Atlanticans are, and reminds them that they don't belong together, but Ariel and her droogs sing him out of town. Despite the fact that he's at least seven feet taller than the largest sea creature there, he doesn't fight back or anything. Ohh, I get it -- the power of hate may seem like a strong enemy, but really, it's just a coward! I see what you did there, Disney. What a nice visual message that probably went completely over your target audience's heads, like most of this episode.

Triton, Urchin and Sebastian return home in their chariot. Triton, apparently not thrilled with how the turtle race went, declares that he's glad to be home. Sebastian ominously says, "Atlantica is the happiest place under the sea." It's as though he knew what was going on this whole time! And that, boys and girls, concludes my detailed explanation as to why I wanted to live under the sea when I was four. I'm pretty sure you did too. (Although I reckon I would've gone to that turtle race and avoided all of this.)

The Saddle Club: Mystery Weekend

2010-04-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

(First, let me saythat while I realise The Saddle Club is very much a noughties ABC Kids TV show, I'm also well aware that many of you grew up reading the book series on which it's based, so I think it's all relative. Okay, now on with the recap.)

Because Australia and Canada seem to have so much in common, the ABC commissioned this pony-themes series about three pre-teens (Canadian-to-Aussie ratio: two to one) who, uh, loved to ride horsies. They rode horsies all day, every day. "But what about school," the more responsible reader will ask. School schmool! There's no time for school when there are horsies to ride! Set in the stables of Pine Hollow, Stevie, Lisa and Carole form their titular Saddle Club. Depite being seemingly ridiculous to the average-aged viewer of this blog (why do all girls love horsies so damn much?) this show dealt with its fair share of over-dramatised themes, from friendship to love to just how to cope when your favourite horsie breaks its leg and takes a trip to the glue factory.

I have a very small but very embarrassing confession to make -- I loved this show, even though it came out when I was like eleven and probably past the key age demographic. Really, REALLY loved it. I used to write my own Saddle Club fanfiction before I even knew what fanfiction was. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't a Mallory Pike-esque horse freak or anything. I didn't even read the books. I just adored loved this show. Looking back, as I have today, it definitely falls into the Captain Planet-inspired, 'we thought it was a good idea at the time' category. None of these kids can act, the characters are bland, and how is it possible that these three girls keep facing disasters every week? Falling off your horse is one thing, but falling down a mineshaft, getting bitten by a snake and plummeting off a cliff should be once-in-a-lifetime fare, yes? Not if you're the Saddle Club, it's not!

Let's do a quick meet of the characters:

Stevie Lake (Sophie Bennett) -- the Kristy Thomas of the group, and Canadian #1. She's kind-of a bitch to anyone who happens to not be in the Saddle Club, but she also holds the Mary Anne title for getting a boyfriend before all the other girls.

Carole Hanson (Keenan MacWilliam) -- the wannabe-vet with the dead mother, and Canadian #2. (Everyone else from here on in seems to be decidedly not Canadian.)While all the girls love horsies, Carole loves them just a little bit more, thanks to her late mother, who was a veterenarian.

Lisa Atwood (Lara Jean Marshall) -- the nice richie. Don't let her wealth fool you like it fooled Stevie and Carole that first episode. Lisa's down-to-earth and pleasant, and also a bad luck magnet for some reason. Truly. In the first season alone, she ends up being bitten by a snake, thrown down a mineshaft, almost killed by a bout of appendicitis, and goes into a coma. A freakin' coma.

Veronica DiAngelo (Heli Simpson) -- the mean richie. She's the girls' main nemesis, the smarmy blonde who needs everything to go her way. She also kinda looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, which is weird but I think worth mentioning, no?

Kristi Cavanaugh (Kia Luby) -- Veronica's lackey, and totally my favourite character. She was cool in her own right, though, and her main character trait was that she was in love with Red the stablehand. She, uh, developed a little quicker than the others, so she was probably a lot of the older brothers' favourite, too.

Red O'Malley (Nathan Phillips) -- the sexy stablehand. He's kind and sexy and good at his job, and...and sexy. I had such a crush on this guy, and I actually got to see him in the flesh once when he filmed a movie in my suburb. (He bowled at the bowling place where I bowl!) He was recast in the second season, but thankfully I'd stopped watching by then. Oh, and Americans -- he was the guy from Snakes On A Plane, the one who wasn't Samuel L. Jackson.

Max Regnery (Brett Tucker) -- the stable owner. He's a little bit strict, but generally nice as pie. And ladies, he really does make Red look like a boy. He was definitely the eye candy of the show for the mums/older sisters/Lorelai 2010.

Mrs. Reg (Catherine Wilkin) -- Max's mother and Pine Hollow's co-owner. She's the sweet older lady who, by the looks of her, squeezed out Max at the ripe old age of nine.

Phil Marsden (Glenn Meldrum) -- the guy of the group. He ends up being Stevie's boyfriend, but at the start is just a nice shot of testosterone in an otherwise female cast of characters.

Ashley (Janelle Corlass-Brown) and Melanie (Mariska Sieta) -- the younger girls. Melanie is Lisa's little sister, and Ashley is her friend who always hangs around for the cred. In the second season, Mariska was replaced with the more looking-like-Lisa-esque Jessica Jacobs, who actually died not long ago in a train accident.

Pine Hollow is gearing up for a special mystery weekend. Not to be confused with the overnight trail, which was last week's episode. Stevie, Lisa and Carole are checking out Phil's horse, while Veronica is checking out Phil's mate Greg. Nice. Phil and Greg walk over to the ladies and start giving us some exposition about how the mystery weekend is supposed to raised enough money to save their beloved pony club. A...a pony club? Really, Phil? You try and pick up girls by talking about how you're in a pony club? What kind of queer shit is that? To save Phil from any more questions about his sexual preferences, Max appears in a Sherlock Holmes-esque outfit, yammering on about how a crime has been committed and a horsenapping needs to be solved. Aw, jeez. My thoughts go out to Brett Tucker, who's actually quite a good actor when he's not whoring himself like this.

Credits time! See, this is where this show differs from simply every other one I know about -- the main version of the theme song is actually sung in the closing credits, while the opening credits are accompanied by a modified instrumental version. Isn't it usually the other way around?

All the kids are getting ready for their ride, except Phil, who tells Stevie that he's feeling sick. Cough*bullshit*cough! Ahem. Anyway, Stevie runs into some really snappy girl named Nia who acts all shady. Is this part of the mystery, or is she just it a bitch? That's the question you must answer if you want Saddle Club bragging rights. (I'm assuming you do.) Greg the random friend seems to think that it's the latter. He goes into Mrs. Reg's office where his father (the cold businessman type) is talking on his mobile. His dad pretty much ingnores him, because, seriously, kid's in a pony club. Clearly daddy dearest ain't exactly thrilled. Veronica comes up to Greg and offers to let him ride on hers and Kristi's team now that Phil's chucked a sickie.

Ashley rushes in and tells everyone in her little munchkin voice that her brand new saddle is gone as well. Gone from the room where that bitch Nia was loitering around before, too. The sociopathic Saddle Club decide that it must be a clue to the mystery. Carole's like, "Ashley was great. Those looked like real tears!" That's because they fucking were, Carole. How many small children do you know that can cry on cue?

The kids all get on their horsies and start looking for clues. So...is the plan just to let these twelve-year-olds ride around in the bush by themselves with absolutely no help or guidance or anything? Because that doesn't really seem safe. Did they not watch the episodes with the cliffs and the mineshafts and the snake bites? Stevie sees a figure running through the bushes, and swears that it looks like Phil. Carole and Lisa think she's delusional, or maybe it's wishful thinking. (At this stage in the series, Stevie and Phil have a sort-of Kristy Thomas/Bart Taylor relationship.)

Meanwhile, Veronica is trying to get up close and personal with that sexy pre-pubescent Greg fellow. Greg complains that his father only sees his pony club as a business deal; he never actually comes to watch his son prance around on a horsie. Greg, this is an easy fix: stop calling it a pony club and put on a copy of The Man From Snowy River. There's nothing more manly than The Man From Snowy River! He's a freakin' stockman, for goodness' sake! He has a hat! And a whip! Veronica and Greg try to out-deadbeat-dad one another, and while all this is going on, Kristi finds a clue in a golden envelope. Dang, Kristi, I knew there was a reason you were my favourite. The clue suggests they head towards the creek for the next one, and Kristi takes the envelope off the tree. Greg's like, "Sacrilege! How will the others find the clue if we take it?" Veronica tells Kristi to put the clue back, then takes it when Greg's back is turned. Not even true kiddie love can stop Veronica's Veronica-ness. It's oddly comforting.

The Saddle Club girls are riding around aimlessly, looking for clues that aren't there anymore. Stop for a second and think how funny that is. They're just wandering around in circles! It's awesome! Lisa finds some hoofprints in the dirt and think they're a clue. Hint: they're not, but it makes it even funnier that they think that. Just when the girls think they've caught a break, the bell rings and they're forced to retire for the night. Wow. Short mystery day.

Back at Pine Hollow, the kids are having dinner. Stevie approaches Phil and asks him if he's feeling better, and he acts all shifty and says that's he's not. Right, 'cause he's not up to anything at all. Lisa talks to Sam (a tertiary character there's no need to care about) and he complains that his group has hardly found any envelopes. Lisa's like, "What envelopes?" Heh. At least Sam's found some. Greg rushes in and yells about how his tack's gone missing. I'm not sure what a tack is, but I heard it enough times during my Saddle Club phase to know it's some horsie crap. (How helpful am I?) Lisa's like, "Ha ha, another clue," and Max is like, "No, Lisa, you insensitive little jerk. The clues are in fucking envelopes. You'd think you would understand this by now, seeing as how Sam literally just told you that."

It's time to hit the hay. Literally. The kids are all camping out in sleeping bags on top of haybales. That can't be sanitary or comfortable. Veronica is going on about how sad it is that someone stole Greg's tack, and bitchy Nia comes along and tells her that his tack was flashy and overpriced anyway. Way to act like suspicious, Nia. Unless of course Nia's actually a red herring -- then she's actually doing her job really well. I'd probably be stumped if I was eleven again and hadn't already seen this episode. Mrs. Reg comes along and tells them that it's lights-out time, and Ashley, scared that there could be a thief in the building, asks her to leave them on. Mrs. Reg's like, "Uh, no." How kind you are, Mrs. Reg. It should also be noted that Ashley's wearing a hat to bed, which is a little odd, no?

Lights out apparently means nothing for the Saddle Clubbers, who start talking about how screwed they are re this whole mystery thing. Lisa, ever the optemist, suggests that the hoofprints they found could be clues to the real mystery of the tack-thief. Hmm, I like how Lisa thinks. Are you coming last in your pony club's mystery game? Don't worry, just make up your own and win that by the default of you and your friends being the only people who know about it! Carole suggests that since the hoofprints were made by special horsie shoes (or something -- I'm failing in horsespeak right now, aren't I?) then it can't possibly be anyone from Pine Hollow. Steve suggests that Phil's the tack thief, and all the girl gasp. How dare she accuse her sometimes-boyfriend!

The girls go downstairs to look for clues. Lisa complains that the tack room's locked, so Carole gets the spare key. Whoah, check it out, Stevie -- Carole knows where the spare key is! By your shitty logic, she must be Phil's accomplice! They go into the tack room and Lisa, with a confused look on her face, announces, "Everything here's safe and sound!" Well duh, Lisa, the door was locked. It was locked up nice and tight until you and your friends unlocked it. The girls then go into Mrs. Reg's office and guard the (locked) door. Just in case that whole lock thing doesn't work. The second they fall asleep, a shadowy figure picks the lock and goes a'stealing, naturally.

Morning comes, and Veronica wakes to find her tack gone. Who could need this many tacks? (Unless they're like, disposable, but then I don't really see what the big deal is. God, I really need to work out what a tack is.) The Saddle Clubbers come see what all the fuss is about, and Veronica accuses them of stealing her tack. It seems that Nia saw them go downstairs in the middle of the night and unlock the door. Max tells Carole off, probably because she's black. I'm just saying. Stevie and Lisa come to Carole's defence and say they were all in on it, so Max disqualifies them all from the mystery weekend. Dum dum DUUUUM! No great loss, considering they were coming last anyway.

Greg is walking his horsie around the stables when Phil comes up and asks him why the thief stole his tack and not his bridle. Joy, another horsie term. I just know that it's all stuff you put on a horsie pre-ride. Greg admits that it doesn't really make sense, and maybe the thief doesn't know what he's doing. I'll say. While this is going on, the Saddle Clubbers are mucking out the stables. Whoah, so their punishment is to sit out the mystery AND shovel crap? Can a riding school even make their students do that? I mean, I used to take group keyboard lessons when I was eight, and I was behind my share of class disruptions, but not once did they ever make me clean the toilets. Anyway, Veronica comes along and tells them, "Max lent me some tack." So it's some tack now, as opposed to a tack? Is...is this tack they speak of shapeshifting? Can it spontaneously multiply? I should Google it, but by this point, my stubbornness has well and truly taken over.

Max comes along and ushers the remaining contestants to their trusty steeds. He tells the girls that he hopes he can trust them not to leave the stables until they're done with all the shovelling. Right, Max, because that's what I'd do with my prime suspects -- I'd leave them alone, unsupervised and with the knowledge of a spare key to the scene of the freakin' crime. Think about it, Maximilian. The girls seem devastated that Max is disappointed in them, and to be honest, I would be too. His 'disappointment' face is truly heartbreaking.

Phil comes by, walking his horse, and Stevie's like, "Hey Sickie, WTF are you doing if you're so sick, Sickie?" Phil tells her that maybe getting some air will help him feel less sick, and then expresses his disappointment that they're not in the comp anymore because he knows he didn't do it. And how does Stevie react to these kind words? By saying behind his back, "Of course he knows we didn't do it, because he's the real thief." Gee, that's nice. There's the Kristy Thomas in her coming out again.

In the office, Mrs. Reg asks Max if he really thinks the Saddle Clubbers stole Veronica's tack, and he admits that he doesn't. But they did go into the tack room after curfew, which warrants a punishment in his books. I like that Max actually has the nerve to punish his best students. All too often, a teacher/parent/horsie instuctor in the YA genre will give us some shitty reason why he can't possibly reprimand a certain invidual, even though the truth is that he simply likes 'em too damn much. (I'm looking at you, Mr. Collins!) In fact, we actually get this exhange, which I am quoting verbatim:

Max: Veronica's right, Mum. If it were any other students, I would have
disqualified them. I can't show them special treatment.
Mrs. Reg: Of course you can!

Mrs. Reg, for shame! I used to like you. In fact, Mrs. Reg looks and speaks exactly like one of my high school teachers, except this bitch I'm talking about had balls of steel. She was awesomely evil, and totally my second-favourite teacher. (I really can't look past the gay, musical theatre-loving Legal Studies teacher who fell asleep when we went to the supreme court to watch a trial.) But enough about me. Just as Mrs. Reg is singing the praises of the Saddle Club, they're sneaking out to find the real tack thief.

The girls saddle up their horsies and follow the strange footprints...straight to Phil. They confront him about being the tack thief, and he's like, "Seriously? You girls call yourselves the smart ones, and you still think it's me?" Lisa yells about how she can't believe he stole from the Pine Hollow peeps, and he has to reiterate that he didn't steal anything -- he's the one who's been planting the clues. Phil is in on it, y'all. Yell out if you didn't see that one coming. *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

Stevie calls bullshit on Phil's excuse, because why would he be going around on Day 2 leaving clues? Phil tells them that he's now trying to clear their name -- he thinks it's Greg who's stealing all the tacks. Just then, they spot Greg riding like the wind. I'm not sure what he's doing by himself without his mystery group, but there he goes. I totally remember how this Greg thing ends, because this was one of the episode I based my fanfiction on. I'm not going to tell you who the perp is, though; you'll just have to wait and see like everyone else. Or you could use logical thinking and reasoning to work it out as well, if that's what floats your boat.

In the ensuing chase, Greg falls off his horse. I don't think it's supposed to be suspenseful, because they've got this weird fruity flute music playing in the background. Carole rushes to catch up to his horsie, while Phil, Stevie and Lisa corner dear Gregory and take him back to the stables. I guess the mystery weekend's over, then.

In the lounge, Phil asks the girls how they could possibly think he was the thief. You know, if I were him, I'd be a bit more upset about their false accusation. Lisa's like, "So what about that chick Nia? Why was she acting like a heinous bitch-monster?" and Phil tells them that she was helping him hide Nickel for the mystery, or in Lorelai's words, "being a red herring." Hold on, wait...they actually hid the horse? Isn't that a bit literal? I'm not sure what the need was for hiding the horse, but okay. Max comes in and yells at the girls for disobeying his orders and leaving the stables, but they tell him (and Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad, who just happens to be there) that they caught the tack thief -- and it's Greg. Just then, Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad's phone rings, and Greg storms out dramatically. Because all this was about a little bit of child neglect! Of course! Stevie suggests that he go talk to his ne'er-do-well son instead of answering his phone, and suddenly Mr. Greg's Businessman Dad sees the error of his ways! Nothing like some hard truths from a twelve-year-old with an unkind face. Nothing really happens with this whole Greg thing, though. I guess he just gives everyone their tacks back and leads an unhappy, tackless life. Eh, whatever. Nobody really liked him anyway, except for Veronica, but she's pathological so she doesn't count.

It's time for the presentation of the mystery weekend trophy. Mrs. Reg announces that Veronica and Kristi are the winners, and everyone kinda groans and mutters under their breaths. Heh. The girls go over to congratulate their nemeses for plot contrivances' sake, and Phil (I included him in the collective 'girls' at the start of the sentence) notices that Veronica has a bunch of gold envelopes in her pocket, and the two get disqualified. Mrs. Reg decides to give the trophy to the Saddle Club. Fuckin' why, Mrs. Reg? How is that fair? They didn't even participate! And everyone in the lounge cheers for them, even Sam and Co. who actually found a couple of envelopes. The look on Kristi's face at the end there is pretty much the look on mine as well. Screw the brown-nosing Saddle Club, man.

And that's where this episode ends. I should make mention that this is actually where my favourite Saddle Club fanfiction started -- Red the stablehand (who wasn't even in this episode, but that didn't stop me) gets mad at Kristi for cheating, but then Sam falls off a cliff and she ends up saving his life and redeeming herself. I think Max may have even given her the trophy for it, too. Also, I'm embedding the end credits in here for you to take a look at, mainly because the song is bloody catchy and if I have to suffer, so do you.

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part Two: Counsellor Budnick

2010-04-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Greetings friends, and welcome back to Camp Anawanna! Things are slightly different here than last time you visited. (And I'm not just talking about the site's brand new make-over!) You see, one of our favourite campers, the oddly Aryan-looking Jew Michael Stein, contracted a nasty case of teh chicken pox. Now I know what you're thinking -- terrible news, right? I mean, it definitely calls for a trip to the infirmary and some TLC from Nurse Julie...right? Right?! Short answer -- no. It's much worse than that. You see, his parents decided to yank Michael right out of camp and take him to Switzerland...because Switzerland has some sort of magical healing properties? Whatever the madness behind this method was, it doesn't change the fact that we have a new camper.

Yeah. Pinsky. Pinsky is exactly like Michael, if the word 'exactly' means 'completely the opposite of.' Pinsky is but a layer of mould on the yoghurt tub that is Camp Anawanna. (I'm sorry; I wasn't sure where I was going with that metaphor until the very end. I'm just as surprised as you that it ended up as 'yoghurt tub'.) Luckily, I've chosen an episode that features a distinct lack of Pinsky, because Pinsky sucks, and fuck Pinsky. You should've seen how annoyed I was upon discovering that the actor who plays Pinsky got to feature in that banned Leo DiCaprio movie, and I didn't. Again, fuck Pinsky. Even my spellchecker hates him.

Side note: my eBay-bought Camp Anawanna T-shirt arrived for me in the mail today, and I don't think I could be more excited. It's pink, which I know you think makes me a Dina, but ZZ did wear a pink shirt when the gang went to look for Sarah Madre's treasure, so the jury's still out on that one.

Since YouTube doesn't seem to have the first part of this episode, I'll have to recap it for you sans video. How can she do that without even watching it first, I hear you ask. Folks, I am just that good. Plus, I have a Camp Anawanna T-shirt now. I feel like I was there.

It's Upside-Down Weekend at Camp Anawanna, which means that, uh, well...everyone does stuff backwards, I guess. It seems that as part of Upside-Down Weekend, one lucky camper will get to become a counsellor for the next two days. Coincidentally, Budnick has been complaining extra-loud about what a truly shitty counsellor Ug is. And, uh, I have to agree with him. I mean, yes, the kids torment him like there's no tomorrow, but you know what? I don't even care. Ug is so unlikeable that I don't have a single ounce of sympathy for his plight. He's a pathetic little man who reminds me of every teacher I hated in high school. Anyway, Ug and Budnick agree to swap roles for the weekend, and to sweeten the deal a little, the kids will vote for their favourite counsellor (Ug or Budnick) at the end. Budnick reckons he has it in the bag, but Ug reminds him that if the Camp Anawanna counsellor handbook is not enforced, Dr. Khan will nail his butt to a tree. (His wording, obviously.)

Storyline B involves a classic struggle between Dina and ZZ, which is a nice departure from the usual Dina/Telly clash of ideals. Dina finds a frog in her shoe, and immediately wants to squish it. Greenie ZZ intervenes and saves the poor froggie's life. Dina calls it Wart Breath and pretty much despises it...until she hears of a plot-advancing frog race that's coming up at the end of the weekend. How convenient!

The video comes in at Budnick assuming his new role of counsellor. He even has Ug's hat and sunglasses on, which is a nice touch. He declares that with the guidebook and his natural Budnickness (or is it Budnicity?), he can't possibly go wrong. Famous last words. Flipping through the book, he discovers that he has the power to punish the other campers, which I'm sure he'll use fairly and indiscriminately. ZZ arrives with Wart Breath a jump ahead of her, and Budnick tells her that she's late for instructional swim. I notice that he doesn't punish her, but yells at Telly for daring to stand there doing nothing wrong at all. That's because Budnick loves ZZ. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. I know he gets with Dina shortly after this, but I chalk that down to bad writing. Spread it around. Budnick + ZZ = tru luv. Anyway, Budnick yells at everyone to head down to instructional swim, and Donkeylips grimly says, "I thought we were going to run amok. I'm just standing amok!"

The campers decide that the only thing to do with out-of-control Budnick (who last I checked only told them to go to instructional swim, but whatever) is to tie him to a lawn chair and play pranks. I can't wait to see what they do to him when he actually starts abusing his power. Of course Ug is the leader of the prank pack, because Ug is the new Budnick. Ug tries to order a pizza (step back there, Ashton Kutcher!), but Budnick catches them. One thing worth noting in this scene is that Pinsky wants coconut on his pizza. That's your cue to mock him relentlessly. Mock him, I say!

Budnick punishes the gang by making them fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with a rather small bucket. Dina asks him why he doesn't just swim in the lake, and his response is, "Because fish fart in it!" Hehe. Budnick leaves them (unsupervised? Doesn't seem very counsellormanly to me) and the kids complain about what a dick Budnick's being. Sponge rationalises it by saying, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Aristotle says that." Because Pinsky has to make everything about him, he adds, "Budnick's a swine. Let's pound him. Pinsky said that." Who said you were allowed to speak, Pinsky? Besides, I'd like to see you try. Telly also seems into the "pounding" idea. I hope they mean that the way I think they mean that. (With Pinsky, you can never be sure.) I would also like to point out that ZZ managed to escape punishment for some reason, despite being part of the pizza prank posse AND being late for instructional swim. Make of that what you will, but I'm about ten seconds away from singing about Budnick and ZZ sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

That night, the kids are all having pancakes for dinner. (On account of it being Upside-Down Weekend, I suppose.) Budnick complains that his pancakes are like cement. He rushes into the kitchen and finds that they have been made with cement. Well now, that's a dangerous little game. The campers go from ordering pizza to putting possibly-deadly cement in the pancakes? Talk about zero to sixty in no time. Apparently the prank posse also gave Dr. Khan the cement pancakes as well, for reasons I surely can't explain. Budnick demands the return of the real pancake mix before tomorrow morning, or he'll have them lick the fungus off the shower floor. Except, probably, for ZZ.

Later that night, Budnick is in the dining hall, doing taxes or something. Boy, this camp asks a lot of its counsellors. ZZ walks in with Wart Breath, and get this -- they have a heart-to-heart! Naww! This is totally a callback to a Season One episode where ZZ went to him for advice on a friendship feud she was having with Telly and Dina. (He may or may not have charged her for this service, but I think my point remains valid.) Budnick complains that he doesn't even have time for fun anymore, because "after this I have to help Kent Flankman get the glue out of his hair. How can anyone glue their hand to their head?" Apparently, Flankman can. (Spoiler alert -- it's not the last time he does this.) Budnick goes on to say that after that, he has to go convince Nancy Shermanoff that she's only dreaming that Freddie Krueger lives in her stomach. See, this is why I love Salute Your Shorts -- it's legitimately funny. Legitimately funny to the point where I, a grown woman, can't stop watching it, and even mail-orders a T-shirt declaring my love for it. ZZ tells Budnick that people only hate him because he keeps punishing everyone as per the book's orders, and maybe the book doesn't have all the answers.

Stupid Donkeylips interrupts their D&M by screaming about how Sponge has snapped and is squirting ketchup everywhere. Oh, and he's wearing a pink bathrobe. (Donkeylips, that is. I think it's got something to do with Upside-Down Weekend.) Shame, too, because I think ZZ and Budnick were really getting somewhere. Budnick rushes over to the boys' cabin, where Pinsky says that Sponge has gone to the dining hall to wreak his ketchupy havoc in there. Fuck you, Pinsky. Just...fuck you. Of course, when he gets there, Ug drops a bucket of pancake mix on his head. Aaaand...we're back to zero on the Prank Posse Awesomeness Scale. Ug gets points for being able to rig up that system so quickly. (He must've done it when Budnick was in the boys' cabin, getting an earful of bullshit for Pinsky.)

Back in the cabin, Ug is celebrating his victory. He tells the kids that he's been waiting years to get Budnick back, even though avid viewers will remember that he got him pretty good when he dressed up as Zeke the Plumber and tried to remove Budnick's head. Anyway, while this is going on, ZZ is training Wart Breath for the race. The winner gets to escape Camp Anawanna for a night on the town, and when Dina overhears this, she claims that Wart Breath is rightfully hers. ZZ reminds her that she was going to squish poor Wart Breath, and besides, she trained him to be the little froggy Usain Bolt he is today. Telly yells for Ug to settle the debate (Telly does a lot of yelling, in case you haven't noticed), but he reminds her that he's just a regular camper now and they ought to go see the Grand High Budnick. Pinsky convinces him to give them a solution as an impartial camper, so that's just what Ug does.

Ug draws a chalk circle on the floor of the cabin. Segue: I love how characters in TV shows just happen to have the exact things they need on them exactly when they need it. Like me, for instance? I don't have chalk on me at all times. I would really struggle to find a piece of chalk on the off-chance that someone wants me to settle a frog ownership debate for them, but Ug? Ug has chalk. He just...has chalk. Anyway, Ug puts Wart Breath in the centre of the circle to see who he jumps to...and he jumps to Donkeylips. As soon as Wart Breath realises that he's jumped into the arms of the one camper who could probably eat him raw, he hops towards the door, and into the arms of Budnick, who's still covered in pancake mix. Then we get this:

Budnick (menacingly): Who do you think you're dealing with?
Donkeylips: Casper the friendly ghost?

Uncool, Donkeylips. You were supposed to be his friend. Budnick responds that he's the "counsellor of doom." Boy howdy, that's one pissed-off ranga.

By the next morning, Budnick has everyone scrubbing the cabin floor, even ZZ this time. Telly and Donkeylips yell at Budnick (again with Telly yelling!) for the lack of amok they were supposed to be running, and Budnick explains that he'd be a bad counsellor if he let them do whatever they wanted, and they're really not giving him a chance. Honestly? I totally agree with him. He really didn't do anything to warrant the first round of pranking, and all the punishments he doled out where in response to that. The kids (and Ug) started it, really, whereas Ug the counsellor always seemed to be a prick who was just asking for it.

ZZ and Dina start arguing about the frog thing again, and Pinsky tells Budnick to take care of it. Ug brags that if he couldn't fix it, there's no way Budnick can. Budnick tells them that if he can solve the problem, the kids have to start obeying him, and they all agree. Dina assures him that the counsellor handbook he's frantically flicking through will tell him that she has legal claim to Wart Breath, but ZZ says solemnly, "I don't think the answer's in there, Budnick." Which of course is a callback to their D&M before, when she told him that the handbook won't solve all of his problems for him. Yeah, that's right, Salute Your Shorts is deep. Don't fight it.

Budnick draws another circle with a piece of chalk he too just magically happens to have on him. Is this just something they do, or is it Camp Anawanna lore to always have a piece of chalk on your person at all times in case you need to spontaneously draw circles on the floor? Pinsky decides to be a smart-arse and say, "Oh, joy. The brilliant circle test. This one's a gem." STFU, Pinsky, we all hate you. Budnick tells the girls to each grab two of Wart Breath's legs and start pulling them, and whoever wins the froggie tug of war gets to keep Wart Breath. Naturally, ZZ lets go immediately and Dina wins. As she's celebrating her victory, King Solomon over there tells her that she lost. Since ZZ couldn't stand to see "the little croaker" have his froggy guts spilled all over the chalked floor, she is the rightful owner. Aww, Budnick, I knew you'd come through for her in the end. That heart-to-heart really meant something to him, I can tell.

The kids are so impressed with the exercise, they decide to take whatever punishment Budnick dishes out for them. He tells them that all they have to do is go to the froggie race and watch ZZ win. They all skip off excitedly, except ZZ, who asks Budnick if that answer was really in the handbook. Of course it wasn't; the handbook advised him to give the frog to Dina. But since he loves her and knew that she was a better mother to Wart Breath, he totally rigged the competition in her favour. That may or may not have been his phrasing. He declares that he's done with the handbook and throws it over his shoulder...which of course hits Ug smack-bang on the head and knocks him out. Heh. Ug always gets the shortstick, and I love it.

At the froggie race, Budnick and Ug have a talk. I guess Ug's over all the handbook concussion. Ug reminds him that he didn't go by the handbook, and Budnick tells him that he's done being a counsellor. They call the bet a draw, even though Budnick is clearly a much better counsellor than Ug. Ug got lucky on this one. Naturally, ZZ and Wart Breath win the froggie race, and Budnick (back to his usual camper self) cleans up on his betting ring. Because Budnick's also a bookie, I guess. Ug declares his first act as counsellor be to confiscate Budnick's winnings for ordering pizza on his account, and Budnick gives him his second act -- to "take care of Flankman," who seems to have glued his hand to his head again. Methinks your third act as counsellor, Ug, should be to fucking confiscate Flankman's glue. Why somebody hasn't done this already is a testament to the fact that Budnick probably was the best counsellor they ever had.

And thus ends this fabulous Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama. If anyone from Switzerland is reading this, please return Michael immediately. We'll send you a Pinsky for your troubles, we promise!

Salute Your Shorts-O-Rama Part 1: The Radio Call-In Contest

2010-04-05T03:02:00.001-07:00

I have a confession to make: ever since Children of the Nineties reran her Salute Your Shorts post the other day, I have not been able to stop watching it. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, itching to see what the gang at Camp Anawanna are up to. It's a disease, I tells ya, and I gots it bad. It's classic 90s Nickelodeon, after all. And would you look at that -- another ranga bully to add to our collection. You see, kids, long before South Park was making fun of gingers, they fucking ruled the world. Gribbs, Calvin and Wheeler -- meet Budnick. I think you'll all get along quite nicely, as long as you keep those freckled faces of yours out of the sun.

In honour of my bandwidth-consuming new hobby, I've decided to bring you back-to-back SYS recaps. (Which I think calls for an 'o-rama' suffix, don't you?) Get ready for some serious Camp Anawanna fun times ahead. Also, in a strange coincidence, I believe I've answered one of the Google search term questions ("abc series summer camp red hair") from my Google Analytics post. Huh. Who'd have predicted that?

If your memory is a little hazy and you need a bit of a catch-up, I highly recommend you visit Children of the Nineties and meet the kids. Oh, but don't worry about reading up on Pinsky. He's a dick, and he's not in this episode anyway. If you don't have time or are just too lazy, I'll give you a one-word description of the kids regardless. Since they're carbon-copy stereotypes like all nineties characters, it's really all the info you need.

Bully Budnick is hanging out in his cabin when loser counsellor Ug comes in all in a tizzy. Apparently he has a hot date, and needs a little spring in his step. Since Budnick's the camp hawker, Ug knows he's got something good in his suitcase. Budnick gives him some home-made cologne, which Ug puts all over his face despite Budnick's warnings not to. Ug says, "Seems kinda unfair to splash this on, you know, being a babe magnet. This'll be like throwing gasoline on a fire." I doubt that very much, Ug, since you are, as your nickname suggest, ugly. It may be a ridiculously unoriginal moniker, but I'll be goddamned if it ain't true.

Time for the opening credits, which totally rule. You know it. I love how half of them don't know the words, the other half make up the words, and fat boy Donkeylips goes on some tangent about how his fishing rod broke. Oh, Donkeylips. As soon as I saw him in this clip, I recognised him as Monica's prom date in that Friends episode where Ross plays the Beverly Hills Cop theme song on his Casio keyboard. (Okay, that's not actually what the episode's about, but it's the highlight for me.) Also, I think he was in Dude, Where's My Car. Donkeylips gets around.

The boys are chillin' in their cabin. Honestly, how often do these kids just sit around doing nothing? Don't they ever have activities or anything? (Instructional Swim doesn't count, because Michael and Budnick didn't even participate.) Nerd Sponge is doing something nerdy, as per his character trait requirement, while the other boys listen to the radio. It seems that Giant Jim the DJ is one of their favourites -- Donkeylips regales us with a story about how he once did his show butt-naked. He says it with such enthusiasm, too. You worry me a little, Donkeylips. Sponge cleverly points out that it's radio, so he really doesn't know for sure.

Giant Jim is hosting a radio quiz, and asks the question: "What gland in the human body makes you mature and grow bigger?" Budnick reckons it's the mouth. Sponge tells him that the mouth isn't even a gland, and clearly he's thinking of the pituitary. Sponge is such a little know-it-all shithead in this scene. (Harsh, but true.) Clearly I'm not the only one who thinks so, because when Sponge snarks that it's not surprising Budnick doesn't know the right answer, Budnick threatens to pound him. Yeah, you go, Budnick! Average kid Michael suggests that they stop all the fussin' and-a feudin' and get down to some phone-callin'. They're going to call the radio station and win a hundred bucks! Oh, such fun!

Unfortunately for the Boy Genius and his blonde-haired Jew friend, popular Dina is already using the only phone at camp. She's talking to her friend about this absolutely gorgeous boy she somehow met while in the camp confines. The mystery boy even has the early nineties-approved "four Ps" -- ponytail, pierced ears, personality and a Porsche. Ew to the first two, but I wouldn't say no to the others. Michael cons her into getting off the phone by telling her that Donkeylips is using her bra as a slingshot. I find this really funny for no apparent reason, except that I'm really an eight-year-old boy at heart. Long story short, not only does Sponge win the hundy, he also goes into some sort of lightning round where, if he answers two more questions correctly within the next 24 hours, he wins a thousand dollars. Budnick and Donkeylips's response? "Pituitary power!" Heh. Pituitary power. We totally have to make that a 'thing.'

Hippie ZZ and lady sporto Telly are listening to Giant Jim's show as well, and they rush over to the boys' cabin to congratulate Sponge. Michael starts bragging about Sponge's genius, and dares the girls to ask him anything. Dina asks him what Madonna's first number one hit was, and of course, Sponge has no idea. (For those of you playing at home, it was 'Like A Virgin'. I can't believe they were allowed to reference that song.) ZZ asks him an INXS question, and Telly asks him a tennis question, and guess what? A Beautiful Mind over there knows nothing. He doesn't even know what Johnny Depp has tattooed on his arm! (Dina says it's 'Winona Forever', so clearly it was before the unpleasantness and the partial laser removal.) Telly says that if they cut the girls in on 30% of the G he's going to win, and they'll pop culture the little dude up.

During archery (hey, an organised activity!), Sponge and Michael contemplate the girls' offer. Michael very sagely tells him, "There are two types of questions in this world -- guy questions and girl questions." Well now, Michael dearest, that's awfully general. Who's to say that someone who knows George Michael's real name can't be a dude? In fact, I'd suggest that quite a few dudes have called out George Michael's real name before, loudly, perhaps in a public bathroom. But I don't know, do whatever you want. The two decide to take their chances and keep the money to themselves. With pituitary power on their side, how could they possibly lose?

Once again, the boys are sitting around, doing nothing and waiting for Giant Jim to ask his next trivia question. All of a sudden, Ug comes in and turns off the radio. Oh, and his face is blue. Not like, "Brr, I'm so cold, I'm practically turning blue!" Actual blue. It seems that the Eau de Budnick he scored off everyone's favourite mischievous camper actually had blue dye in it. Niiice. Budnick tells him that "the Smurf look is in." Oh, and how right he is, too. Just ask James Cameron. Ug puts the entire cabin on lockdown -- no one is to leave without his permission. But oh noes, that means they can't get to the phone! Say goodbye to the G, boys.

Suddenly, the batteries in the radio die. Heh. It's just not your day, is it, Spongecakes? It's okay, though, because Budnick has a spare set. With that comes this exchange:

Budnick: "I'll give you these batteries for 20 per cent of the jackpot
action."
Sponge: "You're not making money off my brain--"
Michael: "We'll take it."

The boys turn on the radio again, and Giant Jim is telling "Spongie" that he has four minutes to answer the second question -- what is George Michael's real name? Oooh, shit just got interesting. Sponge and Michael freak the fuck out and then rush over to the girls' cabin. They're still demanding 30% of the jackpoteroonie.

Sponge: "Oh, you can just forget that--"
Michael: "It's a deal."

Heh. Michael. Please don't ever go to Switzerland and leave us with fucking Pinsky for the rest of the series. Telly helpfully tells them that if they need anything else, just call them, handing over a ridiculously large walkie-talkie. Oh, nineties. How I miss thee.

While all this is going on, Ug is calling his hot date and cancelling on her because he's blue. "No no, not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue." Hee! I feel sorry for the Z generation. Have you watched Nickelodeon lately? I guarantee you, it's not pretty. While we're all going back and voluntarily reliving the kids' shows of our day, they're stuck watching shit made by the Jonas Brothers. There is very little shorts-saluting in Jonas, or so I'm told.

Michael radioes the girls' cabin and tells them that Ug's on the phone and they can't call the radio station. The girls provide a distraction by screaming loudly and then telling Ug that there's a skunk in the room. Just out of interest, is Ug the only counsellor in this joint? Because I'd think a female counsellor would be more appropriate. Then again, I'm probably just saying that because Ug looks like something out of America's Most Wanted.

Oh, and speaking of America's Most Wanted, it should be said that Giant Jim the DJ is taunting Sponge over the radio in a ridiculously over-the-top way. It's reminding me of the phone conversations the killer from Scream had where he taunted his victims before attacking them/gutting their boyfriend on the porch. I also doubt all this Sponge talk is making for interesting radio to anyone else listening who happens to not be Sponge.

Of course, it wouldn't be an awesome kids show if everything went to plan, now would it? After hanging up on Ug's girlfriend, the boys drop their quarter into some kind of vent, and their new plan...oh, their new plan. It makes me feel sick even retyping it. Michael finds some used gum on the phone, chews it (!) and then sticks it on the end of a stick, which they then insert into the vent. Michael, with your ten per cent managers' fee, please buy yourself some health insurance. (Side note: it's actually Dina's gum, but they don't know that and it's still gross. That phone's outdoors, for God's sake!) They get the coin, ring up Giant Jim and answer the question correctly. Huzzuh for gum-chewing Michael! What's a little hepatitis compared to a hundred smackeroos?

Telly's listening to the show with her headphones on, and Ug is running around the room hunting a nonexistent skunk with a tennis racquet. Poor blue Ug. Telly tells him that she just saw it fly out the window, so he can go now. Ug calls bullshit because as far as he knows, skunks do not have the ability to fly. Dina calls him a "big, brave man" and he gets distracted by her flattery and leaves. Bleech. Ug, please tone down the creeper vibe from now on.

Sponge has been listening to the radio intently all night, and by the next morning, he's hella tired. During breakfast, Budnick and Donkeylips just happen by. Budnick concedes that, "For the first time, I see that being a little scientist dweeb is a pretty cool thing." I bet Bill Gates heard that a few times after that whole Microsoft thing took off. (Is he still cool, Bill Gates? Or is it all about Jobs now?) Sponge thanks him for the roundabout compliment, but says that he's having doubts as to whether he can stay up listening to the radio any longer without getting some shut-eye. He questions whether it's worth his health, and Budnick helpfully adds, "Your health? Yeah." He then goes on to say that if Sponge misses out on that question, he's going to be very unhappy and may just "do things" to Sponge in his sleep. It all sounds a little rapey, to be honest.

Ug enters the dining hall and helps the creepy tone of the scene oh-so-much by saying, "Someone was very bad last night." Ew, what the hell is going on here? Of course, he's talking about the fact that someone snuck out of their bunk and made a call last night without his permish. I guess his girlfriend wasn't too happy about getting hung-up on. I wonder if it's Rachel from the Ug Gets Dumped episode, and the fact that I'm even wondering that means I seriously need to find a net nanny to block YouTube for at least a month. I'm really addicted, like, a Lindsay Lohan amount of addicted right now. Regardless of the identity of the mystery girlfriend, Ug tells the campers that they're all on "double probation," whatever that means, until one of them steps forward and claims responsibility for this heinous crime.

Budnick calls a meeting of the minds in his cabin. Sponge is so tired from last nights' lack of sleep that he literally can't get up. Pfft, Spongie Boy, you are such a feeb. Budnick finally gets him out of bed by putting Donkeylips's old sock on his head. Of course the fat boy has foot odour. That's not cliched at all.

What comes next is a cute little montage where the different stereotypes -- ahem, sorry, I mean campers, teach Sponge everything they know about their particular fields. Telly gives him some sports info. Budnick inexplicably finds himself an electric guitar and starts playing Metallica. Dina gives us an admittedly ill-timed rundown of the Coreys, including recently deceased Corey Haim. I guess it is pretty cool that he's now forever immortalised in a Salute Your Shorts episode, though. It's more than I can say. Michael, whose only character trait is that he's the "normal" kid, talks about Gilligan's Island for a bit. ZZ inexplicably finds herself an acoustic guitar and starts playing 'Kumbaya'. (I knew there was a reason I shipped her and Budnick! Look at the synchronicity!) And Donkeylips? Donkeylips teaches Sponge how to make farting sounds with his armpit, which I'm sure will come in handy when Sponge goes on to star in an Adam Sandler movie. This montage goes on for a long while, too, and the poor kids who can do nothing else except sing Kumbaya and fart with their armpits are forced to do it over and over again. Dina's bit's actually pretty cool to watch, as we get references to more Coreys and Tiffany. (She helpfully tells us that the singer isn't cool, but the store is.)

Even though his nickname is a reference to how much knowledge he can absorb, Sponge crashes and burns. ZZ tries to help by standing over his near-lifeless body and singing some more Kumbaya. Michael's head pops into the shot, and he pats her on the shoulder and says, "Just get out of here." Michael dude, you funny. Everyone else comes past and call him names, except Budnick, who repeats his freaky rape threat.

Michael (aka the good one) tries to rev him up by saying, "Show everyone you're not a little bookworm wuss." I'm sure that's helping, Michael. Sponge confesses that he's scared about getting the last question wrong, most likely because Budnick is going to go to town on him in his sleep, prison-style. Michael tells him he has faith in him, and Sponge gets up with a renewed sense of hope and determination. Pituitary power!

It's quiz time! The kids gather around the radio as "Giant Jim Jerkaroo" (as Sponge calls him) asks the question -- what colour is a giraffe's tongue? Sponge says it's red, then changes his mind and goes to black. Budnick's like, "Whaddaya mean, black?" I'm not sure Budnick understand basic colours. Sponge concedes that he doesn't know the answer. O RLY? You're telling me that a kid who, earlier in the episode was reading a book about molecular theories in fucking Latin doesn't know what colour a giraffe's tongue is? Michael and Telly tell him that they're proud of him for getting this far (a sentiment Budnick does not share), and Sponge says, "I'm pissed off that I'm not as smart as I thought I was." Whoah there, pally, that's some strong language you're laying down on us. Pissed off? Were they seriously allowed to say that back in the day? I can't imagine Alex Mack ever saying something like that, and she wore a hat, so she knows a little something about the world.

Just then, Ug rushes in with his boom box on his shoulder and his face ever bluer than before. I'm about to give him his marching orders to Pandora. Dina tries to explain why they're in the boys' cabin during lockdown, but Ug interrupts -- he knows the answer. A giraffe's tongue is black. Heh, Ug actually outsmarted Sponge! How do you say 'pwned' in Latin, Spongiekins? Michael, still unsure as to whether to trust a blue-faced, slightly pedophilic douchebagatron with their fortune, asks Sponge what he thinks, and Sponge suggests they start trusting Ug. Budnick says, "Now I know this kid's a moron." Bud, you win Camp Anawanna.

Speaking of winning, Sponge calls the radio station, wins the moolah and the kids all cheer. Suddenly, Ug comes on the line and demands the money for himself because the kids made him blue. Giant Jim asks him what he could be so sad about, and of course Ug's response is, "Not sad blue. Blue blue. Toilet bowl blue!" End camp fun, cue credits. Poor old Ug loses again. Pituitary power!

Next time: Budnick becomes a camp counsellor, and Pinsky gets ignored by me because he's Pinsky, and fuck Pinsky.

Did You Know Google Could Do This Shit?

2010-03-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Recently I signed up to Google Analytics, because my Gmail account practically begged me to. I thought it'd be a little bit of fun, you know, working out where all my internet traffic came from, and guess what -- it comes from people looking for something completely different and finding themselves sorely confused. In fact, I was actually surprised that there were more than eight people visiting this blog, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now.

Questions I May Have Solved

abc series of nineties
If my blog solves any riddle, it's ones phrased like this.

escargo tastes like a balloon what movie
This is something I'd type into a search engine, so I'm proud to have answered that one.

on the show lizzie mcguire who is mr pettus
He's the science teacher, and you're welcome, faceless Googler.

what was the show where they were bananas and dressed in pajamas
*Headdesk*

the one where angelica breaks the lamp rugrats
This, and many other topics like it, are apparently a fairly popular way to gain access to the wonderful world of ABC Not-Just-For-Kids. Following Lucy into the wardobe is another.

do donna and d'shawn get together on beverly hills, 90210
No.

bananas in pyjamas: are they gay
Yes.

what's that kids show with ranga elvis
I've not yet covered that one, but it's actually Little Elvis Jones and the Truckstoppers. Thank you for reminding me that I must recap that brilliant show at some point in my blogging career.

The Good

lovely blog award hellobrisvegas
Some part of this one actually make sense. That's my Gmail username, and there are awards on my blog. Seems extraordinarily specific, though, and I don't know why anyone else but me would care that much. And, uh, I have actually never received a Lovely Blog Award though, so thanks for rubbing that in, Internet. Oh, and this is the most common search term that leads to my site by far. By far.

Brenda Walsh looser
This one's just funny, whatever the 'looser' part means. Is that how the kids are spelling 'loser' these days, or is it a dig at her sluttiness?

ally mack wears a hat
Yeah she does, baby! I'll even overlook the fact that this person thinks Alex's name is Ally, just because she's a fan of all the hat-wearing.

hermes andarkis
Not only was someone searching for the bad guy from Ship To Shore, they also managed to spell it the way I thought it was always spelled. Holy day!

90210 steve brandon pin-up calendar
It makes my heart happy that people are actually searching for this.

kevin mcallister at twin tower in home alone 2 song
I don't believe I ever accurately answered this one, but I happen to know this one, and it's Darlene Love's "All Alone On Christmas." Now give me a freakin' Lovely Blog Award.

what happened to the decore shampoo ad people
First of all, I don't recall there ever being a mention of Decore shampoo on this website. So there's that. Really, though, I only included this search term because I know exactly what Decore ad this person is talking about, and it's awesome. So, so awesome. Spoiler alert: one of the girls at the start appears to be simulating a sex act on her shampoo bottle.

The Bad

wentworth miller
I'll bet all those people who found my site this way were disappointed. I've mentioned this guy a total of once.

abc movies summer camp red hair
Again, sir, I don't know what you were looking for, but I hope you eventually found it.

brian austin green
No! No, no, no! I do NOT want my blog associated with that man! And why are there still people Googling him?

rugrats betty didi lesbian
Ugh, I can only imagine what sort of cartoon pornography I was interrupting here.

angelica incest rugrats
See above.

when i was younger, i thought high school was going to be like lizzy mcguire, they never studied or had test and had about 30mins between classes. sadly, it is not even close...
Hey kid, Google is not your personal LiveJournal account, okay? I can only imagine this girl was either looking for something very particular and failed epically, or she confused Google with Twitter.

photographic evidence is not enough
If you say so.

gribbs be mine round the twist
Bitch, I will cut you. Gribbs is mine.

it's couscous you uncultured fuck, go play baseball movie
I just don't even know how they got here from that Tourette's rant of a search term.

4 syllable movies from the 90s
Baby's Day Out! Home Alone 2! Cruel Intentions! This is fun and all, but what game are we playing here?

aladdin baddie punishment
I think this is going in a "rugrats betty didi lesbian" kind of direction.

bronson mock bryan ohio
Best. Band name. Ever.

episode recap grabs his ear
Well, maybe if he was a little bit nicer, the episode recap wouldn't have to resort to violence all the time.

i want to fuck lizzie mcguire
Jesus Christ, dude, she's only thirteen.

is there an aptitude test for a clown
I'm not sure, but I hope there's at least some kind of background check.

jane sibbett clothes getting ripped off AND jane sibbett clothes getting ripped off in movie pictures
Apparently Ross's lesbian wife is quite the horndog.

leopop lesbians
I can't even begin to understand this one.

lil deville training bra
Or this one.

parent trap. he'll getcha, you know
Then I suggest locking your doors.

site.gov.au "woomera prohibited area"
How a search for a detention centre took someone here is baffling. Google, you are made of failgravy.

there are yellow gunk on my bleeding knee
Unless you're the guy from Sin City, you really ought to seek some sort of medical attention for that.

www.adult plesure device.com
Come on, dude, this is a site about kids' TV shows!

movie top most best shocking homicide deadly murder rape violation
Goddamnit, what did I just say?!

The Ugly (I think you'll find these all have a common theme)

hypnosis baby
hypnotise a toddler
child hypnotism goes wrong
kid hypnotised as a chicken and eats snails
fanfiction + hypnosis + a baby
hypnosis fuck
hipnosys fuck
Yeah, those search terms happened. "Child hypnotism gone wrong" motherfucking happened. Humanity, in case you're wondering, is doomed. Crazies, step away from the babies!

Oh, and while I was on Google Analytics, I checked out the countries my views were coming from. USA, you're number one, which is something you guys love, yeah? Not sure why I'm so popular in Poland or Saudi Arabia, but I'm pretty stoked that you guys came to visit. North Korea, you ought to know that you don't even feature on the list, whereas South Korea does. Now I'm not telling you guys what to do with your time, but if South Korea's doing it, shouldn't you get on that shit already? Just saying.

I'll have a genuine, non-lazy post for you guys soon, I promise! (Not you, North Korea.)

40 Years Of Sunny Days: Part Two

2010-03-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

Part 2 is here! Yay! You have no idea how difficult it was for me not to pop that disc into my DVD player and watch it before I snarked it, but no. I waited. I waited for you. Just remember that. Anyway, the time has come, the walrus said, to see what the nineties and noughties had in store for the gang on Sesame Street.

Even though the last half of the disc doesn't really fit into the whole childhood nostalgia theme of the blog, I'm going to recap it anyway. Because it's Sesame Street. And surely that demands some sort of respect.

Seasons 21-25
Monsterpiece Theatre time again! Today's instalment is The King And I, which Alistair Cookie explains to us, is about a king and the letter I. Grover is the king, and the letter I is the letter I. King Grover's pick-up lines include, "Oh, you lower-case letter I. You are so cute, with your little dot." Then they dance. I have a vague recollection of this one as well, which I love.

It's Alphaquest time! Oh, Alphaquest! "Doorways up and down the hall, wonder what's behind the door." That song! Those doors! The little girl picks the R door today, and she goes down a road past lots of things that start with R. It's so nineties and fabulous.

Grover sings a song called "There's a Monster in the Mirror." One guess who the monster is. Grover's not scared or anything, because he sings, "Woppa-woppa-woppa and a doodly-doo." Just remember that woppa-woppa-woppa is a monster song. That might come in handy the next time you see a monster. Shit could save your life.

Elmo is playing the piano and singing his song to Big Bird and Snuffy. Younger Sesame Street viewers might know it as the Elmo's World theme. Basically, there are a lot of la-la-las in the lyrics, and Big Bird says to Snuffy, "To think he wrote this alone!" Heh. Snarky Big Bird rules.

Grover is a waiter at a restaurant. A nondescript Muppet man orders poached eggs on toast, and Grover gets him poached corn. He then gives him a history of corn, and explains that since corn kernels are used to feed chickens, technically poached corn is the second-best thing to poached eggs. He even brings out a chicken to assist in the explanation. Unfortunately, the chicken eats the man's food. Like seriously, Grover, what did you think was going to happen?

Next up is Cecile, the orange claymation ball with lips! She's singing 'I'm Gonna Get To You' and changing her shape to suit the lyrics. God, Cecile was so awesome.

A man is walking down the street (not Sesame) in a top hat and a tuxedo. It's so windy outside that he has to hold onto a lamp post to keep from blowing away. I've always remembered that one, because my mind immediately goes back to it whenever I'm outside and it's windy. Especially if I see a lamp post.

Olivia is singing, "La-di-da-di-dum, what's the name of that song?" Bob joins her. Now Gordon and Susan! And Telly Monster! And Luis and Maria! I feel their pain, too. Don't you hate it when you can't remember the name of a song, or even the key lyrics? The best part of the song is that we get our first glimpse of Prairie Dawn, who was totally my favourite growing up. After all, she had blonde hair like me, she played the piano, like I attempted to do on my toddler keyboard, and she was pink, which was (and still is my favourite colour.) Prairie Dawn actually inspired me to take up the piano, my friends. And I did it for nine long years, thanks entirely to a Muppet.

(Some sad news: I read that the woman who played Olivia died recently. She joins a long list of deceased people who made my adolescent years what they were. I always hate to see things like that.)

Next comes a sketch about Cleopatra, played by some opera singer whose name I don't recall. She sings C is for Cookie for some reason. Because I know whenever I think of cookies, I automatically think of Cleopatra. (Although, didn't she used to bathe in milk? Is that the connection?) Cookie Monster comes in at the end, and eats one of the cookie pyramids. Good to know that cookies are still an always food.

That's the end of this season block, but I'd just like to mention that I remembered ALL of these segments. Clearly these were my key Sesame Street years.

Seasons 26-30
A bunch of street dancers come by and sing "Keep Pride Alive." Oh, and they rap. It's a children's rap. There's, like, one white kid who's trying to bring da funk, but remember that old adage that white boys can't dance? It's so, so true. It probably wasn't a great idea to use the nerdiest-looking kid in the history of the world, though. He looks like Steph's friend Duckie from Full House.

There are a bunch of ballerinas doing Swan Lake. Big Bird comes to dance with them, because he's a bird too. Then there's a ballerina in a wheelchair, for some reason. I guess it's supposed to teach the whole 'acceptance' thing, but it seems a little random.

Introduction to Zoe. She's proud that she can spell her name. (I'm thinking this is from the Keep Pride Alive episode.) Zoe was relatively new when I was in the Sesame-Street-is-a-baby's-show stage, so I don't feel like I have any real connection to her.

A couple of awesome nineties kids sing "B is for Bubble" to the tune of "Three Blind Mice." In a round. That's how talented these kids are. I remember this one too, so I guess I wasn't as over Sesame Street as I thought I was. In my defence, I had a younger brother.

In this segment, Zoe is a princess, and Telly Monster and Elmo both want to be her playmate prince. So who else could solve this problem but...The Spin Doctors! They sing that one song they were famous for that wasn't 'Pocket Full Of Kryptonite'. (Do regular people know that song, or is it just people who were as obsessed with Beethoven's 2nd as I was?) I honestly don't recall this sketch, but it's so absolutely terrific, I have to link it for you. Seriously. I watched it three times. The lead singer was something else, wasn't he? The ye-oldey jacket is a nice touch. Then Telly Monster's like "Princess Zoe, who were those guys?" which is probably what anyone who watched it after 1997 said as well.

Oh heck, it's the creepy dogs with human hands! Those guys were someone's bad acid trip gone wrong. Today, one of the dogs is dressed up as an old lady, going to market to buy a fat pig from the other dog. *Shudder* I don't know why people thought kids were going to like that.

Big Bird is on the roof with Tony Bennett, who sings 'Slimey to the Moon'. I remember when Slimey went to the moon! Of all the famous Muppets they could've chosen, they let Slimey go to the moon? I guess probably because if it all goes to a terrible Challenger-type place, they don't have to worry about Big Bird being all emo about it like with Mr. Hooper.

Patti LaBelle sings the alphabet. Then all the Muppets come in and join her. (Including Prairie Dawn, yippee!) This must have been a logistical nightmare for the poor Muppeteers all lying on top of each other to get all those Muppets in the one shot. There's actually a behind-the-scenes bonus feature on this DVD that I'm really looking forward to, just to see how those Muppeteers can do shit like that.

Seasons 31-35
Before I get started, is anyone else realising that these season blocks are getting shorter and shorter? I guess the highlights are thinning out as the show's getting on.

Elmo jams with the Goo-Goo Dolls. Fuck me, this is getting weirder and weirder. Elmo is proud (again with the pride!) that he reached the highest shelf and found his sunglasses. Okay, there is no reason why the Goo-Goo Dolls should ever have been on Sesame Street. They're like a Nickelback warm-up act. At least the Spin Doctors were entertaining. Excuse me while I go back and watch that segment again.

Next, Vanessa Williams, Nathan Lane, Rosemary Clooney, Maya Angelou, Noah Wyle, Garth Brooks Gloria Estefan, Fran Drescher, Liam Neeson, REM, Conan O'Brien and that wisecracking black guy from Con Air sing the Carpenters' 'Sing A Song'. It's kinda like 'Put Down The Ducky', only not about a ducky. God, so many things to say. Firstly, lol @ Conan. (That's how the cool kids talk, yes?) Secondly, Vanessa Williams has not aged a day. That woman gives Botox a good name. Thirdly, Liam Neeson is there with his children, which makes me a little sad because it reminds me that their mother Natasha Richardson died just last year. Also, I've since turned on the trivia track option, and it turns out that this song was released as a single that actually made it to the Top 40, just like 'Put Down The Ducky.'

Elmo is chillin' out with Robert DeNiro. Elmo gets all the fucking luck. Do you know what I would do to even be in the same room as DeNiro? I would do filthy, filthy things. I would tear Elmo limb for limb and wear his corpse as a scarf, for one. Mr. DeNiro (as he should be known) is teaching Elmo how to act like a dog using method acting. He actually turns into a Muppet dog thanks to some choice editing. He says, "I could imagine I'm a New York taxi driver, or a boxer, or a cabbage." Elmo's like, "Do the cabbage!" Goddammit Elmo, Sir Robert DeNiro just gave you an in to ask him to do his Travis Bickle IN PERSON, and you go for the cabbage? IT'S ROBERT DENIRO!!! Elmo spends the rest of the sketch teaching Lord DeNiro how to do the Elmo laugh, which seems like such a waste. If I was bossing around King DeNiro for the day, I'd get him to do a little Goodfellas and then top it off with some more Taxi Driver.

Sesame Street is cleaning up after a hurricane. Big Bird's nest is totally trashed. I think this was right after Hurricane Katrina, and they were trying to teach the kids about natural disasters. I wonder how that went. Big Bird cries again. Jeez, producers, why does all the bad shit happen to Big Bird. He's the one who was so grieved by Mr. Hooper's death, and now Hurricane Not-Katrina wrecks his home? Why can't Elmo get the short stick every once in a while? He's asking for it; he made DeNiro be a cabbage!

Elmo's World is next, which marks the downfall of Sesame Street in my opinion. I know everyone thinks Elmo's so cute and whatever (and I think my opinion of him was just established in the Robert DeNiro sketch), but no one Muppet should ever be the star of Sesame Street. It's a collaborative effort. No way should Elmo get his own show-within-a-show, especially not one as pointless and stupid as Elmo's World.

A paper hippopotamus sings a song called "There's A Bird On Me." He feels like they're just using him as free public transport. God, Sesame Street got shit after I stopped watching.

More fucking Elmo! Why don't they just change it to Elmo Street?! Grover comes past, and Elmo tells him that he's made up a new way of walking. Grover helps him improve it with arm movements. Then Zoe comes along, and suggests that they need to say "Whoah!" with each step, which is by far the dumbest improvement yet. Then guess who comes along? Guess. Just guess. Give up? It's Destiny's Child! Destiny's Child, aka Beyonce and Those Two Girls Who Aren't Beyonce, But I Think One Of Them Had A Couple Of Hits And Now Does Stuff With David Guetta. (Now you know why they went with Destiny's Child.) They sing "New Way To Walk," which I actually remember the Oinker Sisters singing at one point in my era of Sesame Street. We of course know that since then, Beyonce has developed yet another way to walk.

Put a ring on it, Grover.

There's a small fire in Hooper's Store. Only the grease caught fire and nothing else was damaged, (I have a funny Home Ec story along those lines that I'll tell you later), which is fortunate because I don't think Big Bird could've handled it if a fire had destroyed poor dead Mr. Hooper's only legacy. We'd have seen some birdie suicide for sure. Some guy named Alan (who I suppose is the chef at Hooper's now) apologises to the fire brigade for bringing them down to Sesame Street for nothing, but the chief tells him that it's better to be safe than sorry. Apparently these guys are from the actual FDNY, which is very thorough of the producers. I love that Elmo seems a little bit scared of the chief, and not just because I like seeing Elmo terrified. Adults in uniform are scary. Elmo says he doesn't want to go back into Hooper's Store ever again, and another firefighter named Bill comes up to Elmo and explains all the pieces of his uniform so he won't be scared anymore. It's so cute. Fireman Bill, I'd slide down your pole anyday. (Oh God, did I just make a sex reference in a Sesame Street post? I feel dirty.)

Some guy I don't know called Miles sings a funky alphabet song with the monsters. Apparently he's played by Donald Faison's younger brother. As in, Donald Faison from Clueless! Just when you think the nineties element of this post is all but over, I pull a rabbit out of my hat. Miles doesn't look much like his awesome older brother, but he sure sounds like him. I could totally imagine doing a little "Guy Love" every now and then, possibly outside Bert and Ernie's window.

A CGI dude named Traction Jackson goes around the world in a wheelchair. He makes being disabled look enviable, and I'm not really sure what to think of that.

Hey, it's the Count again! According to the trivia track, the Count has two girlfriends -- Countess Dahling Von Dahling and Countess Von Backwards. Who knew the Count was such a horndog? In this sketch, the Count is chillin' on the couch in his bat pyjamas, getting ready to watch Six Feet Under. It's actually just a shot of the bottom half of a dinner table, and you can see the feet of three monsters as they sit down for dinner. Lol. That's a Monsterpiece Theatre joke if I ever saw one. Count excitedly says, "And here come the feet!" which means that the Count has two girlfriends and a foot fetish. Officially my new favourite character. Sorry, Cookie Monster.

Seasons 36-40
Elmo and Alicia Keys are jamming together. This was big entertainment news when it happened, because there actually was a time when Alicia Keys was popular. She sings "Dancing" to the tune of "Falling." Ironically, there is a serious lack of dancing in this clip. They're just sitting and playing the piano. Then they kiss, which is slightly odd, but okay.

Oh, no. The moment we've been dreading. Cookie Monster comes up to a dinner table and deliberates whether to eat the cookie or the fruit. Hoots the owl comes up to him and sings "Cookie is a Sometimes Food." Dude. No. Uncool. I fucking hate this. It's a bloody oatmeal cookie as well, and still he's not allowed to eat the goddamn cookie? (He eats it anyway. Cookie Monster just gave The Man a big "Fuck you." Go Cookie Monster!) I mean, I just don't understand how you can have a Cookie Monster who doesn't eat cookies. That's like having Big Bird occasionally not being a bird, or Oscar the Grouch being really happy.

Oscar is really happy. (Oh no! The apocalypse!) Actually, he's happy because there's nobody around to bother him...and then Abby the fairy shows up. She and her fairy godmother just moved into the Street, and she wants someone to play with. Oscar's like, "Fuck off, little girl." Abby turns to the camera and says, "He's grouchy." Well yeah, Abby. He's a Grouch. I'm really not liking what I know of Abby.

Cookie Monster is sitting in front of a bowl of fruit, ready to eat it because that's what he does now. Suddenly we get a newsbreak, and Matt Lauer steps into the frame. Cookie Monster says, "Where'd this guy come from?" and he speaks for everyone watching not under five years old who understands how stupid this is. Matt Lauer thinks that Cookie Monster not eating cookies is newsworthy, really? The best part of the whole thing is that there are a handful of Muppets in the background with signs, like, "Marry Me, Mindi" and "I Heart Cookies." Cookie Monster says that he likes fruit, and Matt Lauer turns to the camera and announces that the Cookie Monster doesn't like cookies anymore. Cookie Monster goes, "No, no, no! You media people blow story waaay out of proportion!" Hee! I love the Cookie Monster so much...until he chooses the fruit over a cookie Matt Lauer inexplicably has in his pocket.

The next sketch is something called Law & Order: Special Letters Unit. They even have the L&O-style titles, the chung-chung sound effect and Muppets that looks like Stabler and Benson. Apparently the letter M is missing, and the team goes out to find it. Stabler comes back with a cow. Stabler apparently doesn't quite grasp what they're doing here. That grey-haired guy with the glasses come back with a duck. (Nay, a mallard, which starts with M.) The team all return with no luck, and the letter M comes in wearing a fake moustache. Chung-chung! Letter M's like, "You know that chung-chung thing can really get on one's nerves. Enough chung-chunging!" The sound effects guy chung-chungs until the fade-out.

Gina the blonde woman has adopted a baby named Marco, because who doesn't love a happy adoption story? If Brangelina has taught us anything, it's that. Rosita the Spanish Muppet is teaching the two of them some Spanish, so I guess Luis has become redundant. Poor Luis. The trivia track tells me that Gina once had a guest spot on Law & Order, which, after the whole Special Letters Unit thing, makes me laugh. Chung-chung, Gina. Chung. Chung.

Leslie Feist (who's famous because her song was on an iPod ad) is singing her 1-2-3-4 song, and she's lip-synching, which disappoints me so. They never used to lip-synch in my day. Fail, Leslie Feist. Go back to the iPod ads where you belong.

Telly Monster does a parody of Indiana Jones called Texas Telly. Chris the black guy who I suppose replaced David, is there too. They run from a giant boulder, which comes to life and asks why they're running away from him. Chris says, "Basically, we don't wanna get smooshed by a giant boulder." Chris, you awesome. I hate all the new people on principle, but I like Chris. I actually watched an episode of Sesame Street a couple of months ago, and Chris was the guy who told us that Sesame Street was brought to us by the letter T. (Oh, and the letter T sang a little ditty to the tune of 'Hey There Delilah, which is irrelevant, but I thought it was awesome.) Anyway, Texas Telly finds the triangle of destiny thing he's been looking for, and Chris goes away somewhere, which sucks.

Dude, it's David Beckham, and he's here today to teach us the word 'persistent'. Oh, that's so cool. Fucking Elmo comes along and asks him to play soccer with him. Beckham's response, "Not right now, Elmo, I'm in the middle of something." Hee! David Beckham, I don't care what you do from here on in, you'll always be on my hit list 'cause you pwn'd Elmo. Becks shows us some soccer skillz while Elmo pesters him, and Becks tells him to piss off again. Then eventually Becks rewards Elmo's "persistence" by playing soccer with him. Hear that, kids? If things don't go your way, simply annoy. Annoy like the wind, and David Beckham will play soccer with you! (And then fuck your mom, probably.)

Gasp! It's the letter T song I was telling you about! Oh, holy God, I can't believe they put it on the DVD! (Actually, I can. It was the legal definition of 'awesome'.) Thanks to the sometimes-brilliant trivia track, I now know that lead singer of the Plain White T's (who, ironically, sang the original 'Hey There Delilah") actually sings this version as well. Seriously, you need to see it. I'm embedding it for you. Warning, you will not be able to get "ohhh, I'm the letter T!" out of your head for the rest of the day.

Neil Patrick Harris is singing about shoes while wearing wings and ribbons. So...are we sure he's gay? NPH uses magic to fuck around with everyone's shoes. Gordon doesn't seem happy about it. Seriously, though, I love Neil Patrick Harris. He can do no wrong in my eyes.

Bert and Ernie are now claymation? What the what?! They have adventures in Antarctica or whatever, but I couldn't care less because they're CLAYMATION! You can't make Bert and Ernie claymation! Just when I started standing up for new-skool Sesame Street with Chris and that whole letter T song, too. Anyway, Bert sits on a penguin egg and hatches it. Sorry, Bert. Simpsons did it. And you're in claymation, so you're dead to me.

Abby the Fairy's back. She, Zoe an Rosita sing about the seasons. I'm sorry, but I just don't care about any of these people.

The Muppets are doing a parody of those iPod ads where all the shadow people are dancing with white iPods. It's actually pretty cool, but way too short.

Elmo is on the computer, and Chris comes by and the two of them plug sesamestreet.org. I'd link that for you, but it's such a shameless plug, I don't want to. I didn't buy a DVD to watch ads, Sesame Street. Chris, you're better than this.

And that's it. That's forty years of Sesame Street, whittled down into a 2-disc DVD for my viewing (and your reading) pleasure. I think we can safely say that we got the better end of the deal than the kids today. (Bert and Ernie in claymation! Cookies are a sometimes food!) Hope you enjoyed this trip down Sesame Street as much as I did. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to head over to iTunes and download the Spin Doctors' entire back catalogue.

40 Years Of Sunny Days: Part One

2010-03-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted (properly), and I could rattle of a list of good reasons why I've been so slack, but that matters little. Nothing matters anymore, in fact, because this blog has just reached its pinnacle. This is my time to shine. To put it in terms you understand, this is the Winter Olympics and I'm the Jamaican bobsled team...only instead of crashing and having to carry my sled across the finish line, we'll just go straight from the funky Sanka song to getting my gold at the podium.

Have no idea what I'm talking about? I'm talking about a little 2-disc edition DVD that I purchased today:

That's right. The Sesame Street 40th anniversary DVD. The pinnacle of nineties ABC Kids, and it's in my possession. My moment has come. The day is mine, Trebek! To do this masterpiece of television engineering justice, I'm going to recap it for you in twenty-year intervals. Today, it's 1969-1989. Sit back, and enjoy.

Seasons 1-5
Wow, old-school Gordon! I didn't realise that there were so many Gordons. I think I prefer to think of Gordon as Gordon number whatever-we're-at-now. He was my Gordon.

Hey, Oscar the Grouch was originally orange! He's still signing his 'I Love Trash' song, though. Old-School Gordon finds it extremely impressive, calling it a "sanitation serenade."

The next clip is Ernie's 'Rubber Duckie' song. I had no idea it was so old! I thought eighties, maybe seventies, but no. It's been around since the dawn of the Street. How informative.

Wait, hold on. Batman was on Sesame Street? I have no idea what is going on. He's trying to catch a robber with a bat-boomerang. Oh wait, here comes the education. A direct quote from Batman: "Understanding the meaning of 'up', through' and 'around' always leads us in the right direction, Robin." Robin's response: "Holy vocabulary, Batman!" PURE GOLD.

The Cookie Monster comes around to Ernie's place, demanding cookies. Ernie gets to sing a little ditty entitled 'If I Knew You Were Coming I'd Have Baked a Cake.' He bakes a cake anyway, and the Cookie Monster eats it while complaining that it's not cookies.

Now it's time for Kermit's 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' I always found it boring when I was younger, but I seem to have found an all-new appreciation for it. Plus, it makes me think of Monica from Friends and her creepy Kermit crush.

The next clip is, inexplicably, Ernie with a banana in his ear. Yeah. Bert comes in and actually says, "Ernie, you know that you have a banana in your ear?" and Ernie doesn't hear him, on account of the fact that he has a banana in his ear.

A bunch of hippie muppets perform a song about getting angry, like "when someone socks me in the eye and doesn't even tell me." Muppet-on-muppet violence being addressed on Sesame Street, really? Damn, the seventies were a wacky time.

"One of these things is not like the others" comes next, and we learn that the plate of three cookies isn't the same as the other three plates of two cookies. It's just basic maths, peeps.

Luis tries to teach us Spanish by singing a song with Bob. All I learn is, "Mi casa e su casa," but I think I might've known that one already. There appears to be a bit of a bromance going on with Bob and Luis. I would not be surprised if their encore is 'Guy Love.'

Some little kid and some blue monster (not of the Cookie or Grover variety) are practicing counting. The kid does very well until he forgets the number 16. I only mention this because I actually taught my little brother how to count, and he'd constantly forget the number 16. Is this a thing kids do? If you used to forget the number 16 when you were learning to count, I'd like to hear from you.

Hey, a Kermit the Frog News Flash! Wow, these went back a long time, too. This one's all about getting the exclusive on the Sleeping Beauty wake-up kiss. After all that, the prince kisses the princess, and falls asleep right next to her. Kermit's response is, "Stay tuned, and maybe in another couple hundred years, someone'll come and kiss 'em both." I love you, Kermit. In a skeevy, Monica Geller kind of way.

Ernie makes a sculpture of Bert and forgets the nose. He might actually be legally retarded. Also, Bert claims to have two eyebrows, so we know that he doesn't own a mirror anywhere in his house.

Bert's in the next clip as well. Did you know that his pigeon fetish dates all the way back to the seventies? Neither did I. Bert goes out and films pigeons with Ernie's camera. Then he sings a song about them. Then he does a dance inspired by them. Bert is a creepy monobrowed fucker.

Seasons 6-10
Super Grover! It's Super Grover, you guys! I thought that was a new thing too, but apparently it's not. Today, Super Grover has to rescue a kid in a park. The first exchange is so fantastic, I need to quote it for you verbatim:

Narrator: "Little Freddie Smith has just discovered he is trapped."
Little Freddie Smith (deadpan): "I have just discovered I am trapped."

This kid totally rules. Then, when Super Grover comes to save him, Little Freddie Smith says, "Oh, it's only Super Grover" and continues looking for a way out of the park by himself. Seriously, how Little Freddie Smith never got his own show is beyond me, because this kid's snarktacularly awesome. Grover tries to bend the bars of the park gate, and when he fails: "Watch as I make a complete fool out of myself. My cute little arms are really in great pain." Little Freddie Smith gets out just as Super Grover bends the bars. Little Freddie Smith rocks the party.

Next, a shady muppet successfully sells Ernie an invisible ice-cream cone. Because Ernie is, as mentioned, legally retarded. Bonus fact: Ernie's favourite ice-cream flavour is banana royale tutsi fruitsi. Whatever the fuck that is.

A cartoon about pinball machine helps us count to twelve. I remember that from my Sesame Street watching days, so it must've been a popular one to have lasted at least ten years.

Hey, it's Deaf Linda! It's Deaf Linda, translating 'Who Are The People In Your Neighbourhood' into sign language while Bob sings it. She has a hard time translating "Oh, the elevator operator is a person in your neighbourhood" in a ten-syllable line. Poor Deaf Linda. Sometimes I think they did shit like that just to see how far they could push her.

Fonzie teaches us the difference between 'on' and 'off' using his jukebox technique. Eeey!

Snuffy is transported onto an island by helicopter for some inexplicable reason. Not sure why, considering he was a figment of Big Bird's imagination, and we haven't even met him yet. Seriously, though, this scene doesn't set up another. He's just...on an island.

The grown-up Sesame Street residents are at the beach. Mr. Hooper is swimming trunks. Shudder. Dude's hairier than Snuffy. He should've just done like Bob and worn a shirt. The fun comes when Mr. Hooper decides to go surfing, and we get this exchange:

Bob: "Hang ten, Mr. Hooper!"
Mr. Hooper: "Hang your own ten!"

Next, there's a short clip about how anvils are made, which is sure to come in handy whenever Wil E. Coyote drops by.

Seasons 11-15
This season block starts with C3P0 and R2D2 teaching Big Bird about counting. What the shitting shit?! I daresay those two'd be happier meeting Bert and Ernie. You know 3P0, if Ernie knows you're coming, he'd bake you a cake. See, I'm learn-ding!

Another news flash -- Kermit visits Dr. Nobel Price, who has spent five long years inventing 'Foot Snuggies'. Who'd have known that thirty years later, someone would invent this in his honour?

Turns out that Foot Snuggies are actually common or garden variety socks. Kermit tells we the viewers to show Dr. Price our socks (and I totally do!), and Dr. Price is amazed at how they look just like his Foot Snuggies. Kermit says, "Just like your socks, dude. Those are socks." Passive aggression looks good on you, Kermie.

And now it's time for Monsterpiece Theatre, hosted by the Cookie Monster -- or should I say Alistair Cookie? This is probably one of my favourite segments of all time. Today's feature is Me Claudius, featuring a bunch of monsters claiming that they are, in fact, Claudius. Elmo features in the background, but he has a completely different, gruffer voice. Alistair Cookie ends the piece by saying, "Me still not know who Claudius."

There's yet another Cookie Monster clip, and this time he's singing "Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco." That's what happens when you take your favourite cookie clubbing with you. Elmo's in the background again, even though he's only three and a half. He must have a fake ID.

Next is a short cartoon where a little boy goes to bed, and his dog pretends to be an alligator in the dark to scare him. What a cruel dog. Man's best friend my ass.

Some two-headed purple monster (with horns) work out what a telephone is. I actually remember this one. They yell gibberish at the lady on the other end of the phone, then hang up and walk off. So necessary.

Oh, Oscar the Grouch is green again. He tries to smuggle six people and a dog into a movie theatre by hiding them all in his trash can. Oscar is so awesome. The guy at the box office says, "My mommy warned me about working the night shift." Heh. Any other street in New York, and he'd have been shiv'd by a bunch of junkies by now...but not Sesame Street. On Sesame Street, a grouchy little green thing with a hand shoved up its ass is society's biggest problem.

Mr. Rogers psychoanalyses Big Bird. Seriously. That's all I can call it. He tries to teach him the difference between real and imaginary, which clearly works oh-so-well, considering Snuffy is still around. Fail, Mr. Rogers. Go back to your own neighbourhood.

There's a short film about how orange crayons are made that I recall from my kiddie days. It seems much more helpful than the anvil thing. I can't stop watching it; I keep having to rewind it. I remember it like it was yesterday. Holy shit, it was worth buying the entire DVD just to watch that frickin' crayon clip.

Big Bird is having an existential crisis, and Diana Ross helps him out. Yeah, that sentence happened. Diana Ross. They sing a song about believing in yourself, and Big Bird feels better about the fact that he hasn't really accomplished anything except willing a giant mammoth-type thing into existence.

Bert and Ernie have gone fishing. They're just getting more and more Brokeback, these two. Ernie catches fish by screaming, "Heeeeere FISHY FISHY FISHY!" Bert throws a shitfit because his legally retarded significant other does everything better than him. Kinda like this:

Leave the table, Bert!

Ernie leads the Honker Duckie Dinger Jamboree, where a bunch of nondescript monsters honk their horn noses and ding the bells they inexplicably have on their heads. Oh, and Rubber Ducky is leading the pack. Because he's that awesome.

A whole bunch of kids of different races and religions all sing about how they're really all the same, despite their physical differences. Trust Sesame Street to be the only 80s/90s kids show that actually gets multiculturalism right.

Whoah, it's Teeny Little Super Guy, the dude illustrated on a plastic cup who goes roaming around a house! Who didn't like Teeny Little Super Guy? Today he's in the bathroom, talking to a paper cup kid named Eugene. Eugene knows the capital of South Dakota, and Teeny Little Super Guy doesn't. Heh. Teeny Little Super Guy tells us about the importance of school, and Eugene's like, "Then how come you didn't know the capital of South Dakota?" Teeny Little Super Guy's getting pwn'd all over the place today. The point of the episode is, school is good. As Teeny Little Super Guy says, "I learned a lot, too...except the capital of South Dakota."

Okay, brace yourself. It's the moment you've been dreading. Get the tissues ready. The grown-ups are talking about politics, when Big Bird comes over and shows everyone the pictures he's drawn of them. He's especially proud of the Mr. Hooper drawing, and the adults all go quiet when Big Bird tells them he can't wait to see him. Maria reminds Big Bird that Mr. Hooper died. I am actually crying. I can't watch this. Bob says to Big Bird, "It won't be the same without him," and he gets all choked up and his voice catches. They talk about how they'll always have their memories of Mr. Hooper, but Big Bird can't understand why he's gone, and it makes him sad. Maria's crying too, now. They all hug Big Bird, but no one hugs me, so I'm still sitting here, crying. Damn you and your heartstring-tugging, Sesame Street! It's not normal for a 28-year-old Sesame Street clip to make a grown woman cry.

Seasons 16-20
This segment begins with the awesome peanut butter song, which is not only catchy but also informative. It takes a lot of little nuts to make a jar of peanut butter, don't you know? It's making me feel better after all the Mr. Hooper death anguish.

Lionel Richie serenades the letter U by singing "U Really Got A Hold On Me." There's a giant letter U with a girl's face that literally has a hold on him. As in, she's practically raping him. It's fucking eepy-cray.

It's Elmo! He's annoying Luis while he's trying to fix a radio. Elmo goes on a make-believe trip to his grandmother's house, and packs a make-believe suitcase. Then he leaves, and comes back because he forgot his make-believe toothbrush.

And now it's time for the Count. He was awesome. I used to do a good impression of him when I was younger. The Cookie Monster as well. (In high school, we actually had an assignment that involved reading out a children's story to the class, and the ability to do the Cookie Monster voice served me well in my rendition of Cookie Monster and the Cookie Tree. Easiest A-plus I ever got.)

All the humans in town finally see Snuffleupagus for the first time. Turns out he's not actually make-believe. Who knew? Bob even says, "Big Bird, from now on, I'll believe everything you tell us." Big Bird, you take that promise and you run with it. You fucking run with it.

Ernie wants to learn how to play the saxophone, but doesn't understand why there's a squeaking noise whenever he tries to play it. Of course, it becomes painfully clear that he's trying to play the sax with Rubber Duckie in his hand. Hey Ernie, your legal retardation is showing. John Candy even sings for Ernie to put down the duckie. John frickin' Candy. The New York Mets tell him to put down the duckie. Pee Wee Herman tells him to put down the duckie. Ladysmith Black Mumbazo tells him to put down the duckie! Paul Simon! Jeremy Irons! Peter Seeger! Danny DeVito! Rhea Perlman! The New York Giants! (Those guys are rather aggressive about it, too.) This is by far my favourite song EVER.

Ohh, flashbacks. The memories. Luis and Maria have just walked into an art gallery dressed to the nines, and already I remember this one. The other neighbourhood folk are hidden in the paintings (eg. Gordon and Susan have their heads sticking out of the Egyptian painting, and Telly Monster's head is replacing the Mona Lisa's.) They sing the Sesame Street version of 'Let's Call The Whole Thing Off'. Holy cow, I am in a nostalgia ocean right now. You know how you completely forget about something to the point where, even if someone had explained it to you, you wouldn't have remembered? Then all of a sudden you get a glimpse of it, and the whole thing comes flooding back? That is where I am emotionally right now.

Pee Wee Herman has his own alphabet segment. I don't want to spend too much time on it, because he totally gives me the willies. How the execs didn't realise how creepy he was right from the start is beyond me.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, It's Luis and Maria's wedding! Seriously awesome. Bob is even translating the minister's sermon to Deaf Linda. Suddenly, everyone breaks out into song...in their head. (Because otherwise that would be inappropriate?) Maria is having cold feet about getting married. Elmo's line is, "Don't drop the rings, please, Elmo, don't drop the rings!" David seems to be expressing some remorse at not tapping that fine Latino ass when he had the chance. Luis is getting cold feet now. Luis's dad is feeling old. Bob is crushing on Deaf Linda. Deaf Linda is crushing on Bob, but because she's deaf, she has to imagine herself singing the song in sign language in her own head. This is like a fricking soap opera. Elmo gets another don't drop-the-rings-verse. Oscar thinks about the shitty orca music that was playing at the start of the ceremony. Gordon and Susan think about their kid, which is nice and all, but this is Maria and Luis's motherfucking wedding, okay? Let's focus on them now. Of course, they get married, Elmo doesn't drop the rings, and all is well on the Street once more.

Kermit the Frog is directing a version of Oklahoma! I'm back in the nostalgia ocean. This clip right here is the reason I even knew about Oklahoma! The joke is that the star actor, Forgetful Bill, keeps singing the wrong thing. For those of you wondering, it's not pronounced Ay-klahoma. Or Eeeh-klahoma. And you'd better believe it's not Aii-klahoma. Kermit is absolutely shitting a mini green froggy brick.

Maria and Luis have a baby girl! Wow, that was fast! The whole neighbourhood comes to the hospital to see them. Maria looks super hot for a woman who just shot a human out of her parts. She and Luis keep calling each other 'honey' to a nauseating extent. Then Big Bird looks under Maria's blanket, and we get this:

Big Bird: I'm looking for the baby. You said she came out of you.
Maria: Believe me, Big Bird, she did.
Luis: I saw it!

Um, ew, Luis. The state of your wife's lady bits is not something I wanted to hear. Anyway, the nurse brings the baby in, and she's just the most adorable thing you've ever seen. They name her Gabriella. Naww, this is a much better ending to a season block that last time. Nobody died, Big Bird wasn't sad, and Lorelai's eyes remained tear-free.

Next time on ABC Not-Just-For-Kids: Seasons 20 through 40. I promise no more deaths or creepy little quips about Maria's vagina. (I hope.)

The Tiger Woods Apology -- A Critical Analysis.

2010-02-19T23:10:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted an actual ABC recap yet, but after watching the Tiger Woods apology at work today, I just could not wait to go home and snark it for you. I'm sorry, it's terrible. I know it. But seriously, did you see that thing? I can't just stand idly by while this piece of media does the rounds on YouTube. I must speak. And speak I will.

The CBS YouTube video only has the first eight minutes, but it's the best I could do.Any and all quotations in the pretty violet colour are Tiger's and Tiger's alone. Enjoy!

0.09 -- First line down, and I already hate this apology. Telling the people in this room they're his friends is basically saying, "You have to forgive me because you're my friend."

0.43 -- Whoever wrote this speech is extremely good at their job. Either that, or Tiger is the smartest sportsman I've ever seen.

0.46 -- Oh Tiger, did you really just do the "I'm so disappointed in you" headshake TO YOURSELF?

1.02 -- This has been rehearsed many times. Which is to be expected, of course, but the way he just switched from looking at the audience to staring directly into the camera means he also had some gnarly stage direction.

1.22 -- And a vocal coach too, apparently.

1.25 -- "As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words." I like this bit. It's poetic...

1.27 -- ...but way to accidentally tell us all that this is just your fake apology.

1.40 -- "What we say to each other will remain between the two of us." Not if Entertainment Tonight can help it, pal.

1.51 -- I think I just spotted a moment of sincerity there. I think.

2.22 -- There we go. Gotta keep whatever's left of the sponsors happy.

2.27 to 3.05 -- Rough translation: "Remember my charity work? Remember how I'm such a charitable person, doing charity things all over Charity Town? Let's spend 38 seconds of what's supposed to be my public apology talking about my charitability and not my raging sex addiction."

3.12 -- Even though he's saying that he bitterly disappointed, it sounds like "barely disappointed." Which are two completely different things.

3.31 -- "For all I have done...I am so sorry." Oh God, Tiger. You are the personification of failure right now. I think he knew this was going to be the Big Moment of the speech, thought "I need to say it with feeling," and over-emoted on the day. Either that, or Paris Hilton is his acting coach.

4.15 -- What Tiger's thinking right now: "Okay, nice qualities about Elin, nice qualities about Elin. Well there's grace and...shit, what's the other one? I know I have it written down here somewhere. Aha! Poise, that's it!" Way to sell it, Woods. Perhaps Grace was the name of one of his mistresses, and he got confused for a second there.

4.20 -- ANOTHER "I'm so disappointed in you" self-headshake? Who are you, Elizabeth Wakefield?

4.24 -- Nobody's fucking blaming Elin, Tiger. I'm pretty sure you're the one being lynched. Wait, let me check...yep, it's you we all hate now.

4.46 -- I do like his bluntness and his candidness here. There's no joke in this statement. He had affairs. He cheated. Bam. There that is.

4.57 -- This whole "I thought I was above the rules" part is probably the best thing in the speech. I'm pretty sure that's exactly the way some people think when it comes to matters like this, and he's really the only person I can think of from memory who's actually come out and said, "Yeah, I cheated because I'm better than you all." It's refreshing in a way I can't explain.

5:10 -- Asian Lady is not happy. I don't think she wants to be your friend anymore, Tiger.

5.21 -- I know this is supposed to be remorseful, but I can't help thinking this whole "I've worked so hard and just wanted to enjoy my success" is actually a carefully-placed excuse.

5.30 -- Oh sure, Tiger. Blame money and fame. They can't stand up for themselves. It doesn't matter that you're the dick who went out of his way to acquire said money and fame in the first place or anything. It's all money and fame's fault. Curse you, money and fame! You ruined Macauley Culkin for everyone, too!

5.40 -- "I don't get to play by different rules." Actually, T-Dawg, you kinda do. You're just not supposed to get caught.

5.57 -- Hoo boy, Angry Asian Lady is Tiger's mother. Dude, I saw that look all through high school. Your ass is grounded.

6.02 -- Another rough translation: "Hey you guys, remember my charity foundation? Remember how I mentioned that? Just thought I'd mention that again. I do charity work. Kinda like that musical Sweet Charity, except instead of a girl, I'm talking about charity meaning helping those less fortunate and/or giving back to the community. I may or may not have also done Charity the girl, though."

6.09 -- "I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done." I'll say. Took you long enough to write this damn apology. That car crash thing happened a whole trimester ago.

6.12 -- I reckon he's genuinely fighting back tears right here. I think it's the word 'failure'. Athletes don't like that word. Come to think of it, neither do I. I'd probably cry if I had to admit my failure in a public arena, too.

6.24 -- Fear not, Tiger dearest. If David Duchovney can do it, so can you! Hank Moody FTW!

6.42 -- "I once heard, and I believe it's true, that it's not what you achieve in life that matters, it's what you overcome." Everyone in this English speaking world has heard this, and it's commonly known as one of many Bullshit Statements Screwups Say To Justify Their Screwup-edness. Trust me. I've said it many times. It didn't work on my mum, Tiger, and it's probably not gonna work on yours.

7.50 -- And now he's making the press out the be the bad guys. Jesus, Tiger, what's the press ever done to you? Oh that's right, it introduced you to your old frenemies money and fame.

Unfortunately, this is where my video cuts out, but I think the rest has something to do with his future return to golf, which I could not give less of a shit about.

Let me be clear for a minute -- the apology was good. There was nothing wrong with the wording. In fact, I applaud it. The problem with this apology lies in Tiger's delivery. It's one thing to practice a speech, but it's quite another to rehearse one's lines. This feels like one of those moments that's going to be sent up on every sketch show in existence.

But don't worry, Mr. Woods! Your public apology was not as bad as this guy's! Seriously, folks, at least Tiger thought to dress himself in something other than a bathrobe.

I'm a West Coast supporter, and even I think he's a douche.

An Interstitial...

2010-02-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

Since I'm working all weekend, I won't be able to put up my post on schedule. (Which has never stopped me in the past, I know, but it's this courtesy thing I'm trying out.) Last night, though, I had a dream. Not a particularly life-changing, Martin Luthor Kingy dream. Oh no, this dream was about 90210. I don't want to share the entire thing with you, because quel boring, but I do know what it means. (Apart from the fact that Steve Sanders and I would be real-life BFFs. You should have seen him last night. He was so sweet.) It means I had to share this interview with you. It's an extremely candid one-on-one with producer Larry Mollin from teendramawhore.com, and it's definitely worth a look.

http://teendramawhore.com/2010/01/17/beverly-hills-90210-producer-talks-college-years-slams-new-90210/

Warning: it takes a while to read, but that should not deter you from the awesomeness that it holds. If you usually stay away from interviews with crew because they're never as interesting as the ones with the cast (and I know I'm guilty), change your tune for this one. Some of the things that come out are positively scandalous. And I loved every minute of it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need a nap before work. Steve and I hadn't really finished our dream conversation, and if he thinks he's getting out of it that easily, he's got another thing coming.

90s Kids' Shows -- Musical Style!

2010-02-04T21:09:00.000-08:00

Here we go. I've got my blogger pants on, my Irish coffee (more Irish than coffee) and my Doritos within arms' reach -- I'm ready to bring you another installment of ABC Not-Just-For-Kids, but this time...there's a twist! DUN-DUN-DUUUUN! Instead of simply recapping an episode, I'm paying homage to the more musical side of things. Yes, it seemed that every channel we turned to as a rugrat, our TV shows were singing to us. Kinda like High School Musical, only not annoying and gay. (Says Lorelai as she closes her iTunes browser so nobody can see the horrors that lurk there.)

(Oh, and in case you're wondering, my blogging pants are actually a pair of harem pyjama pants with a nineties-style floral pattern on them. I also have a grey- and black-striped pair that I bought because they looked like ones Kelly Taylor had on 90210.)

Today I'm bringing you the best (and the worst) songs from my childhood. Who knows, they could be from yours, too. Let's get started with a little ditty everyone knows...even tortured prisoners.

Barney the Dinosaur -- I Love You

Oh. My. Gawd. This is one of those clips that absolutely ruins your childhood. You have fond memories of Barney, right? I mean, he's the dinosaur from our imagination! He can be your friend too if you just make-believe him! Barney's great fun! Right? Right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong. Barney is one giant purple pimple of annoying on the face of humanity. He's the most grating childhood fellow from memory, and the kids he danced around with -- oh the kids! The irritating, attention-whore kids who just won't shut up! The fact that my parents actually let us own a video of this fucking thing growing up is a testament to their patience. (Come to think of it, that video got "lost" pretty early on in the piece.)

'I Love You' is yet another way Barney came back to bite us in the arse when we were older -- because after you listen to it, even once, you NEVER GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD AGAIN. Ever. I'm not entirely unconvinced that it isn't some sort of brainwashing propaganda. Yvan eht nioj! Yvan eht nioj! I'm fucking onto you, Barney.

Lamb Chop's Play-Along -- The Song That Never Ends

I always hated Lamb Chop. I don't know why, I just wasn't interested in his little adventures. He seemed like kind-of a smartarse to me, and I never appreciated it.

Take this clip for example. This song, it never ends. It. Never. Ends. Seriously. The poor host is basically doing a very good commentary of what everyone over the age of ten felt when Lamb Chop and his motley crew starting singing that godforsaken number. He and his buddies spawned an entire generation of primary school kids who knew that it was the key to going from zero to annoying in five seconds.

And then the children come out of the barn and start marching! Ugh! If I didn't know that this was filmed waaay before Barney, I'd say they were sending up The Purple One's load of snot-nosed showponies.

Play School -- We're Going To The Zoo

For any international readers who didn't have the privilege of experiencing Play School, it was basically a show where two presenters sang, danced and made stuff out of other stuff. Cardboard boxes became cars, household sponges became babies, pipe cleaners became anything under the sun. And they sang about it. Since said presenters broke out into song about a hundred billion times an episode (accompanied by a piano that seemed to come from nowhere), I have much to choose from.

This clip is a special one because it features the irreplaceable John Hamblin. If Play School was a real school, he'd be the wiseacre at the back, spouting clever one-liners and double entendres. While we were all marvelling over Monica's ability to write secret messages using nothing but a candle stick, our parents were laughing away at John and his antics. And it's no wonder:

I'll be honest with you -- when I was finding a suitable clip for this show, I got a little sidetracked and watched everything I could with John in it. What a man, what a legend, what an uncanny resemblance to Michael Caine. I snorted my Irish coffee out my nose at the end of this clip when he called the pillow baby Kylie and proclaimed that Knee-High had a floppy neck. (A joke I never got as a kid. Knee-High's made from stockings! Ha ha ha!)

Bananas In Pyjamas -- Banana Holiday

This is a song I'd forgotten all about, but the second the music started, I magically remembered all the words. And unlike Barney and fucking Lamb Chop, it's actually fun and catchy.

What's not to like? In these troubled economic times, we could all learn a thing or two from the Bananas. Sure, they want to go away on a holiday, but where to? And at what cost? The solution, my friends, is to have a holiday at home with all your teddy and rat friends! Yay! You'd never have to come back from that holiday. Sure, you wouldn't be able to steal all the shampoo and stuff from the hotel bathroom, but packing is a breeze! And all the other things the B-Nays wanted to do in the first two verses of the song can all be done on Cuddles Avenue! Hooray! Fun for all!

Seriously, though, they live on the beach. As in, their house is literally on the beach. And they don't have jobs of any description, unless you count that Surf Patrol thing they do. (And in a town of six people, I don't.) Your life is already a holiday, Bananas! Thanks for rubbing that in.

The Wiggles -- Uncle Noah's Ark

"Foul!" I hear you cry. "The Wiggles are a band, not a cast from a TV show! And they're a new thing!" Well, wrong, I cry back! The Wiggles have been around in Australia for years and years and years. Long before they had their names on their skivvies, they were just four dudes in coloured T-shirts who didn't mind humiliating themselves for the entertainment of children. But yeah, you were right about the first bit. They did eventually get their own TV show, but this song's not from it.

Actually, this song is from their very first video, of which my brothers and I were proud owners. (My bro had a bit of a man crush on Greg. We couldn't get him to wear any colour but yellow for the first six years of his life, and I'm absolutely not exaggerating.) As you can see, The Wiggles were not always the well-oiled machine of preschool fun that they are today. They don't even have their logo on their belts! What peasants!

Fact: during these early days, they didn't even have a separate guy playing Captain Feathersword. One minute the four of them would be rockin' out, singing about fruit salad and getting ready to wiggle, and the next, The Cap'n would arrive just as Anthony magically disappeared...

'Uncle Noah's Ark' is my favourite Wiggles song of all time. I only wish I could've found the actual clip online, but I think you get the gist from the cheesy album cover, and the brilliant song lyrics. I mean, there are animals! Noah! A bullfrog that talks! I learned the word 'fowl' from this song, and that's not all I learned. Oh no. The Wiggles made bible studies fun. They probably saved a few souls in their day. And what have you done for us lately, Lamb Chop?

Sesame Street -- C is for Cookie

I had a hard time choosing this one. There are so many classic Sesame Street songs that it was difficult whittling it down to just once choice. After all, Kermit reminded us that it wasn't easy being green. Ernie professed his love to a rubber ducky so passionately it must've made Bert a little jealous. They even sent up popular songs, like when the Shapes Band told us how hip it was to be a square. I seriously wanted to be a square...until I worked out what that meant for humans.

I chose 'C is for Cookie' for my countdown because I believe it expresses a childlike innocence that simply does not exist on Sesame Street anymore. Of course, it's still a fun show. It teaches us stuff. But the lessons now have less to do with our ABCs and more about...sigh...healthy eating. Nowadays, C is for carrot, celery and cucumber -- cookies are only "sometimes" foods. Ugh. When I was a young'un, cookies weren't sometimes foods, okay? We had them with our glass of milk. It was the only way our parents could get us to drink milk. I doubt the words, "Hey kids, if you don't drink your milk you won't get any celery," is going to have the same effect, Sesame Street producers.

Look at the Cookie Monster here. So joyful is his proclamation of love for the common household cookie. He loves cookies more than donuts. He loves cookies more than the moon. The moon! Man has aspired to go to the moon since we figured out what the fuck it was, but ask the Cookie monster, and he'd tell you that he'd rather sit down a chow on a choc chip treat. I doubt he shows that sort of enthusiasm when he's singing about motherfucking vegetables.

Recap: Another Round The Twist -- Toy Love

2010-01-27T00:51:00.001-08:00

I was actually planning on recapping an episode of Barney the Dinosaur today, but YouTube seems to have, uh, lost it somehow. I don't get how, all I know is that I was watching the first part not long ago, and now it seems to have disappeared. I guess copyright laws strike again. Fuck you, justice system.

New readers, I suggest you catch up by glancing at any other Round the Twist material on this site. (Trust me, there's plenty.) Old readers, please remember that I used to ship Linda and James Gribble Jr. something fierce. Remember that? Do you? Huh? Well, this episode I'm recapping for you today is the episode where THEY GET TOGETHER. Well, kinda. There's a whole supernatural element to it, but they're totally in LUV.

(And by the way, this is the first episode I'm recapping with the new cast in it. Remember all those familiar faces from my previous screencaps? Forget them. They're dead to you now. This gang is way cooler, anyway.)

This episode begins with Bronson picking his nose. He's very into that at the moment, despite the fact that he's like ten years old, and do ten-year-olds still do that? Fay comes downstairs with a box of junk, and declares that they're going to have a big clean-out. Linda appears and reminds us that she's in love with total nerd-burger Anthony.

Backstory time: in previous episodes, Linda found a book called the Viking Book of Love. Every time someone reads a poem from the book out loud, the person they're reading to (or looking at) falls madly in love with them. Anthony read the book to Linda in the hopes of winning her favour last, and it worked a treat.

The kids go out to the front of the lighthouse to see what Fay's thrown out. A couple of Linda's old childhood dolls are sitting on top of the pile, including a Michael Jackson doll. You had better believe that Michael Jackson jokes ensue. (Example: Fay asks what happened to the doll's nose and chin, and Linda replies, "Fell off.") Tony picks up the other doll, a dirty-faced porcelain girl with a pull-string at the back, and reminisces about how annoying her "cuddle me" shriek was. Linda makes a throwaway comment about how she used to turn on her music box to make Veronique go to sleep. But alas, Veronique remains on top of the pile while Linda rescues her Michael doll. This is doll favouritism, folks, and as we'll soon discover, unloved dolls are much like unloved children -- they go batshit nuts. (That wasn't an intentional Michael Jackson joke, but I can see why you'd think that.)

Seriously. No jokes about this.

At school the next day, Gribbs is showing the Viking Book of Love to Tiger and Rabbit. I can't remember how he got the book, but you just know he's going to use it for shenanigans. Rabbit backs away and reminds us of a previous episode when he read a poem to Nell, and she fell in love with him. Tiger's response:

"It was such a beautiful thing -- you're 14, she's 110. She was so hot for
you, and still you wouldn't let her go the French kiss."

Above: proof that Tom Budge was the best Tiger in the history of the show. Rabbit tells Gribbs to be careful, and Gribbs tells him that he's not dumb enough to read one of the poems. I think he means again, because if memory serves, he read it into a mirror and fell in love with himself at one point. Anyway, he spies Linda and decides to make her his patsy. Dirrty! Gribbs, I would've been your patsy anyday.

In class, Mr. Snapper is rambling on about Shakespeare, and Gribbs speaks up and says that he uses way too many words. On account of him being a writer and everything. He tells Snapper that he's really into the Viking Book of Love right now (the identity of which is concealed using wrapping paper) and asks if Linda could read a poem or two out to the class. Of course she does, glaring at Gribbs the whole time, and Gribbs falls in love. Gribbs and Linda. In love! Twelve-year-old Lorelai nearly fell off her seat when she first saw this. Anyway, Snapper confiscates the book, and Gribbs tells her, "Let's not worry about possessions, now that we've found each other."

Back at the lighthouse, Fay and Linda are getting rid of more junk, when who should appear at the door but Gribbs! Linda tells him to get lost, and he thinks it's great that she's not into hoarding. Then he grabs a fake spider off the junk pile and nicks off. Dang, Gribbs, you hot thing. Linda will come around. You know she will.

We have a little music montage where all the Twists bring their junk back into the house. It seems they really are into hoarding after all, Gribbs. They eventually take everything in...except Veronique the unloved doll! She utters a creepy, "Cuddle me," just to let us know that bitch means business.

In the garage, Bronson is fixing a paper plane with the aid of super glue. On his finger. Which he then inserts into his nose in search of booger gold. Like you didn't know that was coming.

That night, Linda is fast asleep in bed next to her creepy Michael doll. Honestly, why are all of Linda's dolls so weird? The weirdest doll I ever had as a child was Shred, a handsome Ken figurine who became disfigured in a freak lawnmower accident. (Number two on my list of Ways Dad Wrecked My Childhood, just behind the incident where he taped over The Little Mermaid with a stupid soccer game.) Anyway, Linda's busy sharing her bed with Michael Jackson, and I'm busy not making jokes about this, when suddenly she hears, "Cuddle me!" Veronique is back, motherfuckers! Linda screams and screams, and when her family finally get their arses into her room, the doll is nowhere to be seen.

The next morning, Bronson comes downstairs with the neck of his jumper sitting just under his eyes, as though he's trying to conceal his nose area. Strange. Oh yeah, his finger's still jammed up there. Jesus, Bronson, see a doctor or something. Fay interrogates the family as to why they brought in all their "unwanted" crap, and when there's a knock at the door, they all jump up to get it. Holy day, it's Gribbs, ready to walk Linda to the bus stop! He's so thoughtful and gorgeous, in a fourteen-year-old kind of way. Linda obliges, because she's totally falling in love with him too.

You can see it in her eyes.

The whole gang is waiting for the bus at the bus stop, and when Linda pulls out her homework to give to Fiona, she finds Veronique in her backpack! Veronique the insane doll! Infiltrating backpacks! Bitch is one pathological toy. This is nightmare-inducing. This is probably how Sid felt in Toy Story when Woody did that spinning head thing and told him to play nice. Not so funny now, is it, kids? This shit happens to nice people, too, apparently, so you'd better start reminding your My Little Ponies how much you love them before they organise a stampede on your arses.

"We'll fuck your shit up."

Tiger and Rabbit give Linda shit for bringing her doll to school, and play a little bit of keepings-off. Gribbs spoils their fun and gives Veronique back to Linda, telling her that she doesn't need to be ashamed of her dolly. Linda maintains that she's not, but just in case, she runs over to the dumpster and throws Veronique in, yelling, "Leave me alone!" The bullies follow her, and Tiger and Rabbit laugh about how Linda's talking to her dolly. Linda runs off, Gribbs hot on her heels, and Tiger and Rabbit decide to fish around in the dumpster for Veronique. But if you think Veronique can't hold her own against two fourteen-year-old bullies, you're dead wrong -- she latches onto Rabbit's face like a crazed cat or something. It's...well, it's kind-of awesome, actually.

See? Awesome.

At home, Tony and Pete are making apple crumble in an attempt to coax Bronson out of his room. It works, and they realise that super glue + nose-picking = not a fun situation. At least Pete gets to do his David Attenborough impression by chronicalling the daily life of the "elephant man."

Linda goes up to her room and finds her Michael doll missing. She is apparently unhappy with this turn of events, if her screaming, "WHERE'S MY MICHAEL DOLL?!!!" is anything to go by. There is a knock on the door, and Linda, thinking it's Veronique, opens it and yells out, "I will not cuddle you!" Of course, it's Gribbs, complete with flowers and chocolate. (As if you couldn't get more appealing, Gribbsy Boy!) Gribbs is disheartened, but maintains that the two of them can work their way up to cuddling. Funny, too. Surely you can't blame adolescent Lorelai for being head-over-heels in love with this dude.

I still am a little bit.

Veronique takes this opportunity to rush in while the door's open. Crafty little doll. Linda's gone full-on crazy now, and this exchange happens:

Linda: Are you sure you didn't bring her back from the recycling bin?
Tony: Fay?
Gribbs: Is Fay getting recycled?
Linda: I bet she's upstairs.
Gribbs: When did she go upstairs?
Tony: I didn't even hear her come home.

Obviously that poses a serious question -- is a porcelain doll really recyclable? Anyway, Linda rushes upstairs, kicks down her own bedroom door for what I must assume is dramatic effect, and finds the place trashed. Gribbs wonders why Fay would trash Linda's room, and Linda tells him that it wasn't Fay, it was Veronique. Gribbs's rather intelligent respose: "That's a pretty small doll to do all this. Maybe if it was a big doll..." Well, it was intelligent for Gribbs. Linda gets the idea to lure Veronique out of hiding...with the music box she so casually mentioned at the start of the episode.

(By the way, I recognise that music box as a Fun N' Fashion one. I had so many of them because my uncle used to be one of the bigwigs at that particular company. I was even featured on the back of one of their packages, the ever popular Make-A-Fashion-Accessory. It's how I can put 'former child model' on my resume and not be lying.)

Downstairs, Pete and Tony are trying to get Bronson's finger out of his nose. It seems my suggestion of TAKING HIM TO A FUCKING DOCTOR has gone largely unnoticed. Instead they're using that whole 'tie a piece of string to the doorknob thing' that kids use in movies and Babysitters Club books to get their loose teeth out. It does not work. Linda and Gribbs come downstairs, and Linda pushes him out the door, muttering something about how great it was walking down the stairs with him. She totally doesn't mean it...yet. Gribbs feels that they're really connecting.

Linda goes up to her room with a hockey stick to finish off Crazy!Doll for good. And boy, is that doll crazy. It's now wearing a completely different expression, which is nigh on impossible for a doll with a painted-on face to do, and her eyes are glowing red. Yeah, red. This doll has managed to be infinitely scarier than all the supposedly badass vampires in Twilight, and it's only been twenty minutes. (In case you're interested, I totally just typo'd that as 'campires'. Best. Typo. Ever.) Linda menacingly tells Veronique to "cuddle my stick, dolly!" which definitely deserves a Dirrty!, don't you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to sleep tonight?

Back at the meeting of the Rhodes Scholars, Tony and Pete finally manage to pull Bronson's finger out of his nose with the aid of olive oil.

As Linda's facing off with Veronique, Bronson walks in with the Michael doll. He claims that he was just trying to fix Michaels' soundbox, but I don't know if I'm going to believe him. Cue the heartfelt music as Michael walks (yes, walks) over to Veronique as she begs him to cuddle her. Because that's what this whole thing's been about -- the love between two inanimate obects, not revenge of one inanimate obects over her former human companion. (Suck it, Chuckie!) All Veronique was looking for was to be Michael's Billie Jean! Naww!

Still not making any jokes about this.

And that's the end of this most historic RTT episode. The next one on the DVD is the conclusion of the Gribbs/Linda (Glinda) love affair, which I'm going to have to watch but won't recap for you...well, not today, anyway.

In Memoriam

2010-01-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone. It's approximately 12:38am over here, and while it's true that I've finally gotten around to writing this week's post, it's not a recap or even about any TV show, really. And it's mostly about me, me, me. But I really need to get this out, so please bear with me.

It's extremely hard to believe, but today marks the two year anniversary since Heath Ledger died. I know, it's kind of a weird one. If someone asks you in ten years' time where you were when Heath Ledger died, you'll probably have forgotten, if you haven't already. But I can't forget, because I loved Heath Ledger. He was truly my first schoolgirl crush. While the other girls were lusting after James Van Der Beek, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and whichever Backtreet Boy we still thought was straight back then, I was collecting Heath Ledger posters to proudly display on my wall. (And one of them was life-size. I still have it. You know you're jealous.) Even before he won Hollywood's heart as the sexy bad boy Patrick Verona in 10 Things I Hate About You, Heath was already making my bedroom wall. That's the frickin' Grauman's Chinese Theatre of Australia, you guys. And he took up a huge chunk of it.

I have to tell you something about that wall, though, because it's important. A number of months before Heath died, I took down all my adolescent posters. I'd been meaning to for years, but I finally got around to doing it and replacing them with pictures of my friends and concert posters and the like. I threw out every single one of those old posters...except the Heath Ledger ones. I can't explain, nor can I understand, why I kept them; I guess they really meant something to me. I know their exact whereabouts at this very moment. I'm really, really glad my inner child couldn't bear to recycle them.

I remember nearly everything about the day Heath Ledger died, including the fact that it was a Monday. (We're a day ahead in Australia.) It was registration day at my university as well, and the entire bus ride there, I'd been texting my friend about her beach-house. (It burned down. I thought that'd be the most interesting news of the day.) Anyway, as I was walking to my seminar, a stranger asked me if I had any change for the vending machine. As I was fishing through my wallet to see if I had any coins, she came up with the most random topic of conversation -- "Do you know Heath Ledger died?" Well. I did NOT know that. I had NOT heard anything like that. She said that she'd heard it on the car radio on her way to uni that morning.

My response went something like, "What? That's not true! No, that can't -- because he's going to be in -- what? I don't think that's right. No, that's not right." Eventually, I swapped my church change for her five-dollar note and went on my merry way. But I was worried now. I remember thinking that I couldn't concentrate until I knew for sure that this coin-challenged crazy lady was wrong. I texted my now beach-houseless friend again, asking her if Heath Ledger had died. She responded that she wasn't sure; she was still in bed.

I turned my phone off for my seminar, pretty confident that it couldn't be true. I even spent the entire morning with a girl I knew from high school, and didn't once mention what I'd just heard. I was that confident it wasn't true. Sure enough, though, I turned my phone back on that afternoon and there was a message from my friend, saying (something along the lines of): "He was found him in his apartment. They think it was a drug overdose." I was numb the whole way home.

I remember getting home and turning the TV on every hour to catch news updates, then quickly flicking it to another station for that network's news update. I watched every single news program I could, until I could tell when they started reusing reports. I remember Peter Mitchell beginning the six o'clock news, live from Rod Laver Arena (it was Australian Open time) with the words, "Well, it's hard to believe, but Heath Ledger is dead." I hadn't received any new information for hours, but I was glued to the TV. It upset me more than I can tell you, but I couldn't for the life of me look away. I cried that night.

That Saturday, one of the networks had a Heath-a-thon of sorts -- A Knight's Tale, followed by The Patriot. (Plenty of Foxtel channels did the same thing, but since I am without pay-TV, I had to make do with coupling these two with my well-worn 10 Things I Hate About You and Two Hands DVDs.) I'd seen A Knight's Tale five hundred times before. I was a little bit obsessed with it when it first came out. I don't want to tell you that my adolescent self wrote a poem about it, because that's so embarrassing, but I did. (It was from Geoffrey Chaucer's point of view. You can call me lame but you CANNOT call me un-creative.) I don't have it anymore, though. It perished with my old Windows 95-enabled computer. And I also don't want to tell you that after watching Ned Kelly, which was filmed in my home state, I dragged my family to every single bit of Kelly Country I could find south of the NSW/Victoria border, reading Ned Kelly books the entire car trip there. But I did. And I digress.

I'd never seen The Patriot before, because that's really not my type of movie. So I thought I'd watch it. It was pretty clear from about fifteen minutes in that Heath's character was going to die. I've seen films like this before. It's always so obvious, but since I couldn't believe that they'd put on a movie in which Heath Ledger dies, five days after he died in real life, I pressed on. Spoiler alert -- his character dies. I cried for twenty minutes. Literally, twenty minutes. I couldn't stop; I was completely distraught.

Six months later, The Dark Knight came out. Now, even before Heath had died, I was OBSESSED with this movie. I love the Batman franchise to death, even that shitty one that Arnold Schwartzenegger was in. I'd had my doubts about Heath as the Joker, too, but I remember reading an article (not long before Heath died) where Michael Caine was praising his performance. People think the hype began with Heath's death, but it was already there. It just grew stronger. I went to see TDK the day it came out like I'd always wanted to. The cinema was packed and completely silent. I was lost in this film. There were only two times I even remembered that this was Heath Ledger up there. The first is obviously when the Joker kills the mayor without his make-up on. That's a given. But the second comes towards the end of the film, where the Joker is talking to Batman about how they need one another to survive. He says, "I get the feeling you and I are destined to do this forever." Every time I hear him utter that line, it pulls me back down to Earth.

It's funny, isn't it, that this is the reaction we have when well-known people die. I mean, did I know Heath personally? No. Had I ever met him? No. And yet here I was, on numerous occasions, crying like we'd been lifelong friends. The fact that I've never really gotten over it seems utterly ridiculous to me, when I think about it. When Michael Caton honoured him at the AFI Awards that December, I cried. When he received a standing ovation after winning a Golden Globe the following year, I cried. When his family went onstage to collect his posthumous Oscar, you'd better believe that I cried. I feel so stupid saying that, but I guess that's the effect celebrities have on us. We're surrounded by them, we feel like we know them. Thanks to gossip magazines, we know intimate details of their lives, from what medication they're taking, to which brand of potato chip they prefer. When one of them dies, we miss them. We actually miss people we've never spent a single second with. Think about how ludicrous that is for a second.

I've read a couple of articles that condemn the practice of mourning celebrity deaths. These articles usually offer rational reasons why we shouldn't feel the way we feel. After all, did you know Patrick Swayze personally? Is your life going to be emptier now that you're sure Brittany Murphy isn't coming over to your place for Easter? But that's just it. It's completely irrational. There is not a single reason I can think of that logically explains why my heart hurts every time I see the words "the late Heath Ledger". It just does. I feel like a piece of my adolescence, one I so proudly displayed on my bedroom wall for all to see, is gone. Like it was never there in the first place. There is no lesson to learn from all of this, either, because it's not something we can control. It's the same reason we cry when Jack Dawson dies in Titanic. It's the same reason we celebrate along with the Empire Records gang when they get to keep their store. Whatever reason that is, it's stronger than logic.

So when I get home from work tomorrow, I'll be watching me some 10 Things and some Brokeback Mountain, and I'll probably cry. But that's okay.

Beverly Hills 90210: Blind Spot

2010-01-14T22:41:00.001-08:00

Okay, I'm cheating. 90210 was never on ABC Kids. But you guys, think about it. What sort of self-respecting 90's nostalgia blogger would I be if I didn't recap at least one episode of this awfulawesome TV series?

(In case you're wondering, awfulawesome is a word I just made up. It combines the words 'awful' and 'awesome' and describes something or someone that is so bad it's good, or the other way around. It also describes something that you thought was really great back in the day, but when you look back on it now, you can see some fatal flaws. Example: Captain Planet is the epitome of awfulawesome.)

As you probably know, 90210 followed the daily lives of eight teens living the high life in sunny Beverly Hills. (If you really want to get the most out of this recap, I'd recommend putting on that Weezer song right about now.) You all know the characters, but let's re-meet them anyway:

Brandon Walsh (Jason Priestly) -- one of the Walsh twins. The male one, in case you need me to spell it out. Brandon was a headstrong, political individual who loved writing for the school newspaper and spent way too much time at his place of work, the Peach Pit. I never realised this growing up, but Brandon was clearly the favourite child. Like, no contest, Jim and Cindy. Way to be impartial.

Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) -- the other, less male Walsh twin. Brenda often got on her high horse about issues for one episode and then forgot all about them the next. In the first couple of seasons, Brenda was totally my favourite, but then I realised (later than most) how goddamn annoying she actually was. I swear she wasn't like that at the start.

Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) -- the rich, skanky blonde. Kelly supposedly went through a change after meeting Brenda -- she stopped being the school slut -- but that didn't stop her from making numerous moves on Brenda's boyfriend and soulmate, Dylan. It is interesting to note that as Brenda's likeability went down, Kelly's appeal skyrocketed, despite all the boyfriend-stealing and out of the blue eating disorders.

Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) -- the rich, emancipated surfer dude. Dylan was Brenda's one-and-only in the first couple of seasons, before Kelly decided that she wanted him instead. Luke Perry, despite looking old enough to be married to Cindy Walsh, still doesn't take the prize for the oldest-looking cast member. That title belongs to...

Andrea Zuckerman (Gabrielle Carteris) -- the serious, glasses-wearing student who was adopted into the fold by Brandon. (Don't worry, she eventually ditched the glasses.) Despite being far, far too old to play a high-school student, Call-Me-Ahndrea managed to stay a virgin until college and eventually got married and squeezed out a kid all in the one season.

Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) -- the macho, too-cool-for-school popular boy. Steve was a joker, a lover, and Kelly's soulmate. Yeah, you heard me. Steve and Brandon were usually busy one-upping each other, dating Kelly or battling it out for the title of Lorelai's Favourite 90210 Character. (You had your chance, Brenda!)

Donna Martin (Tori Spelling) -- the ditzy dunce. While some people found Donna's dumb blonde moments hysterical, I found her grating. Really. We all know why Tori Spelling got the job (*cough*producerfather*cough*) and she just pissed me off. There's only one character I actually hate more than her, and that's...

David Silver (Brian Austin Green) -- the "cool" nerd. Silver was by far the lamest character on the show. In the beginning, his quest for popularity was endearing, but when he actually became Steve's friend and part of the cool gang, Silver got weird. From being a DJ to a recording artist to a drug addict to a classical pianist (?), Silver remained completely repulsive to me, and does to this day.

Time for the recap, bitches. Since Cordee over at Gourmet Scum and Other Fun Stuff is doing such a good job with the earlier seasons, I've taken my episode from season four. It's a "big issue" episode, with homosexuality, blindness and boxer shorts. There's quite a bit of Silver, but he doesn't say much, so it's okay.

We begin the episode with Silver playing the piano. As much as it pains me to admit this, he's actually really good. Ugh, I feel dirty just saying that. Stop with the piano thing, Silver; I hate praising you. There's one part Silver can't quite get (loser! Heh, I feel better) and Donna suggests getting a piano teacher to help him out. What a totally unnecessary, judgemental thing to say. I don't see Donna playing sonatas like there's no tomorrow. Just sit there and play with your dog, Donna.

Steve and Brandon are on their way to a Dodgers game when their car breaks down. Because we're in the big scary 90s world of No Cell Phones, they have to go to a nearby coffeehouse and use their payphone so Brandon can call for help. While he's off doing this, Steve looks around and soon realises that this is a gay coffeehouse. Which is something I've never heard of, but hey, I don't live in Beverly Hills. I mean, I've heard of gay bars (I do live in the western world), but not gay coffeehouses. Steve freaks out when he sees the president of his fraternity (KEG house) there, and ushers Brandon out of there lickety-split.

Kelly and Donna are at the Peach Pit with Pregnant!Andrea. We know she's pregnant because she's eating a lot. The other girls make fun of her for it, because eating disorders are cool right now, I suppose. Donna and Kelly mention that their sorority is putting together a charity calendar and asking various California University hunks to pose in their boxers. Dylan claims he doesn't want to be objectified, and once again, I want to punch him in the side of the head. You know, Dylan, you used to be so cool and mysterious before you started talking all the time. Kelly signs Brandon and Steve up instead.

Silver goes to his piano lesson, and discovers that his teacher is blind. I can't remember her name, but since she's blind and plays the piano, I'm going to call her Beethovina. Silver starts playing the sonata he's stuck on, and Beethovina helps him by giving him the most bizarre advice. First, she tells him to "let the music play you", which is poetic and all, but not exactly practical. You play the music, Silver. Make that music your bitch. Then what she says next is so random, I have to quote it for you verbatim:

"You're waterskiing on a lake in the mountains. Feel the spray on your face,
feel the wind in your hair."

Watersports, Beethovina? Is now really the time? As someone who had piano lessons for nine years, I feel qualified to tell you that no piano lesson ever goes like that. My last piano teacher would've died laughing if he'd heard that shit. (He was so cool.) Technique is important, Silver. Don't let Beethovina tell you it's not. Wait, why do I even care if Silver sucks or not? He's lame and repulsive. Did I mention repulsive? Because he is.

At the KEG house, in-the-closet president Mike asks Steve if he "wants a cappuccino." That's innuendo, you see. Steve claims that he's never "had a cappuccino" in his life. Mike gets confused, because he totally saw Steve cappuccino-ing it up with some dude at the gay coffeehouse the other day. Mike wanders off to have a conversation with another brother about some sorority girl he's boned, to overcompensate for all the "cappuccinos" he's been "drinking."

The Walshes are getting ready for dinner, and Brandon's angsting about the calendar. He says, and I quote: "I just don't think standing around in his underwear is something Bill Clinton would have done." AHAHAHAHA! Retrospective burn! There is no emoticon or stupid netspeak word for the hilarity that is that quote. Steve ends the amazingly relevant Clinton-with-his-pants-down conversation by telling Brandon about how the KEG president is gay. Steve's not sure he wants to keep Mike's secret, and he's actually really homophobic in this scene. Steve, mate. Homosexuality is clearly not something new for you -- you hang out with David Silver. I think what annoys me most, even more than Bigot!Steve is the fact that Brandon's reverted back to his Bart Simpson hair.

Back at his apartment, Silver is having another piano lesson with Beethovina. Apparently all her bullshit teaching methods are working, because Kelly and Donna (who come in halfway through his sonata) are both very impressed. Donna is less than impressed, however, when Silver introduces her to Beethovina as merely his roommate. Damn, Silver! You are a douche and a half.

Brandon, Mike and D'Shawn are about to play a game of basketball. You remember D'Shawn, don't you? He's the black guy they brought in, assumedly to make the show more multicultural. Like most 90s attempts at multiculturalism, it fails epically, seeing as how D'Shawn only ever remained a tertiary character whose one and only personality trait was being good at basketball. Anyway. Brandon and Mike talk about Mike's burning queerness. It's not interesting. I just wanted to mention D'Shawn, to be honest, because he's about to become important.

Donna is talking to D'Shawn (told you!) about being in the Alpha calendar. He tells her he'll do it if she'll go out with him. Even though he's joking, Donna agrees. D'Shawn is confused, because he thought she had a boyfriend. Something something, a woman scorned, something something. You know the drill. I do have to say that I'm pretty sure this is the first scene D'Shawn and Donna have ever had, but I'm totally into their chemistry. I'm actually looking forward to seeing Donna again this episode. That's never happened to me before.

At the Alpha house, the calendar boys are at an underwear-fitting. Steve's have duckies on them. Duckies. Seriously. See for yourselves.

One of the KEG jerks (whose name I also don't remember and will hereafter be known as KEG Jerk) starts making fun of Steve relentlessly for no reason. He questions Steve's sexuality, which we all know Steve doesn't like on account of him suddenly being a homophobe. KEG Jerk's taunting is totally ridiculous and over-the-top, but I must get over it, because it's a plot contrivance. To stop all the bullying, Steve lets slip that Mike is a butt pirate who frequently "has cappuccinos." KEG Jerk and some of his jerk friends back out of the calendar shoot because they don't want to be associated with a fairy. It's pretty full-on...oh wait, this is 90210. It's not full-on at all. It's awfulawesome, is what it is.

Steve, Brandon, Kelly and Donna are at the Peach Pit, talking about how Steve outed the KEG president. They all think he's selfish. Want to know why? In the words of Kelly, "That's great. Your masculinity is secured for another 24 hours, and we don't have a calendar." Yeah, Kelly. How selfish of Steve to only think about himself right now. Steve maintains that he's not a homophobe, even though I'm pretty sure that he is. Steve's letting me down something fierce this episode.

At Silver and Donna's, the doorbell rings, and Silver goes to answer it. You'd better believe that it's D'Shawn, ready to take out his girlfriend, brandishing a bunch of flowers. Ouch, Silver, you want some cold water for that BURN?! Donna and D'Shawn leave Silver to ponder his repulsiveness, and all is revealed -- their 'date' is all an act to get Silver back for taking Donna for granted! Yay for evil schemes! Donna takes D'Shawn bowling anyway, as a friends thing. God, I love these two together. If Donna had any brains in her head, she'd ditch gross Silver and marry D'Shawn as soon as she possibly can.

Back at the frat house, KEG Jerk and his friends paint Mike's door pink. Because he's gay, you see. Mike decides to quit the frat and yell at Steve some more. Steve feels badly for Mike, a fate which may have been prevented had Steve not actually outed him in the first place. Seriously, Steve, I'm liking fucking Donna more than you right now. Fix this immediately.

Silver takes Beethovina to the Peach Pit and flirts with her. Aargh! Fuck you, Silver! Fuck. You. I can't help but notice that Beethovina's fingernails are really long, which is a big huge no-no in piano playing. My awesome piano teacher and I were constantly at loggerheads over the length of my nails. Anyway. Beethovina tells Silver that he's not in love with her, just with her music. Dude, I'll vouch for that -- I would do unspeakable things to Richard Ashcroft from the Verve, despite him being crazy ugly, simply because of 'Bittersweet Symphony'. Silver realises he loves Donna for reasons the world hasn't invented an explanation for yet.

Donna and D'Shawn get home from bowling, and D'Shawn gives her some anecdotal advice on exactly what she's going through with Silver. How convenient. Honestly, though, these two are made for each other. Donna, think of what you're going back to if you leave D'Shawn hanging. I mean, David Silver? He reminds me of nineties Peter Andre, and nineties Peter Andre was even grosser than present Peter Andre. Donna and D'Shawn decide to become friends, which hopefully means that they'll get more scenes together in the future. Donna and Silver make up. Blecch.

The KEGgers hold a meeting to decide whether Mike's homosexuality ought to get him kicked out of the frat. At the eleventh hour, Steve decides to be not homophobic anymore, and makes an impassioned speech to the brothers about how it shouldn't matter what race or sexuality a person is -- brotherhood is brotherhood. It's awfulawesomeness at its best. Some guy called Keith seconds Steve's motion to keep Mike on as el prez. Yay, go Keith! I don't know who you are, but it's pretty cool that you got a name! Beethovina's probably crying into her sheet music about it.

The episode finishes with the calendar shoot, like you knew it would. Two guys back out, so Dylan and Silver (shudder) have to fill in for them anyway. What's that, you say? You want screencaps? Well shucks, I guess I could do that for you:

It's not exactly Clintonesque, but alright.

Do you see what you're missing, Donna?!

I feel so cheated by this.

Way to downplay your sexuality, Mike.

What happened to the duckies? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUCKIES?

Some random extras to keep you warm at night.

and of course...

Ew! Oh God, my eyes! That's just...aaaagh!

End of awfulawesome episode. Hold on. Wait juuuust a second. I have another screencap for you. I left it til last because it's the funniest/most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Are you ready. ARE YOU? Alright. Meet Mr. October:

So inexplicably sad and creepy.

For me? Why, you shouldn't have!

2010-01-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

Look, you guys! Another award! I'm feeling like Meryl Streep up in here, or maybe Daniel Day-Lewis or one of those guys. Thank you to Sadako at Dibby Fresh for this honour. And check it out -- the award has cupcakes on it! Cupcakes! Now onto the rules:

List ten things that make you happy. Try and do one of them today.

1. Sleeping in. (Done and done!)
2. Watching old-school TV shows on DVD. From Degrassi to 21 Jump St. to Beverly Hills 90210, everything about these shows makes me want to live in the eighties/early nineties again. Speaking of, my 90210 post will hopefully be up by tonight.
3. Pringles, or a low-grade canned chip alternative named Mister Potato Crisp. Mister Potato Crisp is my Sabor de Soledad.
4. Watching movies I can't find in stores on YouTube. It feels so illegal-slash-fulfilling. I watched Radio Flyer the other day, and feel I am a more well-rounded person for it.
5. My friend Rebecca's house. It's one of those awesome kitchy places with street signs and old telephones and everything. I've known her since the start of high school, and every time I go back I reminisce like crazy. Like about the time I tabogganed down the stairs a la Home Alone, except that I used a sleeping bag in lieu of a taboggan. And I got carpet burn something fierce.
6. Kids movies, as you can probably tell. They're just so cheerful and awesome and uplifting. If everything could turn out like it does in the world of Disney, we would all be so happy. And we'd all be able to talk to our pets.
7. A successful shopping trip. An unsuccessful shopping trip, however, puts me into an almost suicidal spin. I have all the colour of emotion, you see.
8. Finding a new TV show. Glee is too fabulous for words, and while The Black Donnellys may already be cancelled, we'll always have season one.
9. Seeing minor celebrities on the street. The Irish guy from Neighbours walked into my work not long ago, and it's still the most exciting thing to ever happen to me at work. I asked him how he was. He replied that he was good, thanked me for my interest in his heath, and then inquired about my own health. There's no way I should still be excited about this, but that's just me. I still haven't gotten over the fact that I once saw Wentworth Miller in the city on a school excursion three years ago.
10. Going to an op shop and finding Sweet Valley High books. There's a shortage of them where I live right now, for some reason, so any day when I find one is a happy day for Lorelai.

Ten bloggers who brighten your day: (These will be different to the ones I listed after my last award.)

Nostomantic
Zombies Don't Run
I Was A Teenage Book Geek
I Want Your Sass
Living In The 80s and 90s
Literary Crap
Luke's Diner
30 is the new 13
Scare Sarah
Worst of the Worst Fanfiction

Woo, that was fun. Stay tuned for 90210 later on in the day!

The Secret World of Alex Mack: Driving

2009-12-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

I ask: who sat at home watching this and didn't want to be Alex Mack when they became a teenager? You answer: nobody, Lorelai. Nobody. Alex was a pretty, confident girl who also happened to be doused with a strange chemical called GC-161 that gave her special powers. Plus, she wore cool hats. A shitload of cool hats. Alex and her best buddy Ray always managed to get into some sort of hijinks that resulted in Alex needing to use her powers to get them out.

Of course, being hunted down by the evil chairwoman of the company manufacturing the GC-161 is kind-of the downer in this case. what Alex stood to lose was slightly more substantial than most of the other kids featured on this blog -- Danielle Atron wanted to kill her. As in, breathe no more, take a dirt nap, shuffle off this mortal coil. Foget about horsies and pearls, Alex was literally telekinesis-ing for her life. But what sort of kids' show would this be if our baseball cap-obsessed heroine hadn't won in the end? Well, quite a depressing one, so thank God she made it in the end.

I always had a real soft spot for Alex, and I promise you, it wasn't just because of the hats. When I was growing up, people told me that I looked like Larisa Oleynik, so as you can imagine, I was pretty damn partial to this show. I also used to get told that I looked like Julia Stiles, so it came as no surprise to me that they were cast as sisters in 10 Things I Hate About You.

Now, onto today's episode. There's a reason I picked this one. It's very special to me. Not because I really remember it (actually, I don't, at all), but because when I started recapping it I'd just booked in for my very own driving test. I really should've gotten my license about four years ago, but I don't like to rush these things. And here we are, a month later, and my test is tomorrow. Whew. Wish me luck, although I don't think I'll need it. Still, I'm not going to look gift luck in the mouth. Okay, back to Alex now.

Alex is learning to drive. Hence the title. She really, really wants a car. Heh. I never really understood the whole car thing from American high school movies. In Australia, you can't get your license until you're eighteen, so it was really only the Year Twelves that worried about it. (And I turned eighteen the day after school ended.)

Alex wants her parents to help her pay for the car, and they're all, "Be like your responsible sister Annie, and save up for a car yourself." Alex snarks that Annie was never a normal teenager. I'll say. Annie spends a good portion of her time doing science experiments on her little sister. That doesn't scream normal to me either, Alex. Oh, and Alex hat alert:

Alex's dad George is hard at work at the chemical plant. We know it's a chemical plant because there are beekers of bright, bubbly liquid everywhere. Seriously, I hate this stereotype. I'll bet there are at least...four chemical plants in the world that don't look like they're run by mad scientists. George and co are making face cream, which skeeves me out. That's a big no way, Alex Mack writers. I don't want to put any shit from a chemical factory on my face. Face creams are supposed to be made on some peaceful Avon island, the ingredients dropped from the heavens by tiny doves and mixed by frolicking baby deer.

Anyway, George and his nondescript scientist friend are trying to make a face cream that actually works. Nondescript Scientist Friend accidentally picks up "nitrosurgic acid", which I don't think is real, but still sounds pretty gnarly. Anyway, he ruins all their work and they have to start over. I shudder to think that people like this are making my cosmetics. They need to bring back Bambi and the doves lickety-split.

Alex, Ray and Louis are talking about -- what else? Driving. Louis is bragging about how their driving instructor thinks he's God, and shows the other two a picture of the car he's going to get when he passes his driving test. It's a fabulous little convertible number, and Alex is mucho jealous. Louis is like, "See Alex, while you've been quitting jobs left right and centre, I've been slaving away at my dad's office for three years." Ha! Alex got pwn'd by Louis Driscoll! Louis Driscoll! No one liked Lous Driscoll, not even me. (And avid reads of my blog may remember that I seem to have had a bit of a thing for redheaded bad boys in my childhood.)

Ray agrees with Alex about the whole flighty jobless thing. Poor Alex. I know exactly how she feels. The longest I stayed at a job in high school was ten months, and that was seriousy impressive. Usually I lost the will to live around the sixth month, and don't even get me started on my job at the bakery. I actually started feeling sorry for those disgruntled workers who one day lost their shit and brought a rifle to their workplace. Anyway. Back to the episode. Wait, what's this? Louis's dad is looking for another office assistant? How convenient!

Alex goes for her interview with "Big Lou" Driscoll. He's a bigwig, you see. We know he's a bigwig because he's on the phone (a headset, naturally), talking about money while he plays minigolf in his office. He gets back to Alex and is like, "Sorry about that." As though taking an important call means you must immediately forget the "little people" waiting in your office to go practice some golf. Good work, Big Lou. There's a funny little exchange where Alex is talking to him about her previous jobs, and he's yelling at some guy on his headset. Alex, of course, thinks he's yelling at her. Heh. Bottom line: Alex gets the job. And Louis is her supervisor. I'm beginning to like Louis slightly. And we have another Alex hat:

George comes up to Danielle Atron, the coolest kids' supervillainess ever to grace our TV screens (except maybe Dr. Bligh from Captain Planet) and tells her that his department accidentally set the face cream testing back a couple of months. Danielle is not happy in the slightest. I think we're supposed to be reminded of how MEAN and EVIL she is, but I don't blame her. Some dipshit picked up the wrong chemical. That could've ended worse than it did.

Speaking of dipshits...Nondescript Scientist Friend comes by just as George is about to get his arse fired. Apparently that dangerous-sounding chemical the accidentally mixed with the face cream worked -- it gets rid of all fine lines and wrinkles. This doesn't make me happy. This is chemicals triumphing over nature. This the hunter that shoots Bambi's mother. Danielle Atron had better use this power for the greater good. (I doubt she will.)

Back at the Driscoll building, Alex is doing work while Louis is playing computer games. Alex is not happy. Well sorry to burst your bubble, Alex, but that's what working is. You're the newbie, also known as everyone else's bitch. I'd be lying if I said I used to treat new bakery employees any differently. God, I hated that bakery. Anyway.

Louis goes into his office (yes, this fifteen-year-old has an office), and Alex decides to do her puddle-morphing thing and check out what he's doing. Of course, he's watching TV. Alex is like, "It's so unfair that you're in here slacking off and I'm doing all the work! What would Big Lou think?" and Louis says, quite accurately, that all Big Lou's interested in is schmoozing his clients, making money, and golf. Well granted, I know very little of Big Lou, but that sounds bang on the money to me. Unfortunately for Louis, Big Lou happens to be standing right behind him while he's saying that. My favourite moment so far:

Louis: "The only reason he gave me this job is because I'm his son, and to tell
you the truth, I'm only in it for the cash. I hate working here."
[Alex motions at Big Lou. Louis realises he's standing right behind
him]
Louis: "...on weekends and late at night. But other than that, it's the
best job a guy could ask for!"

Louis gets fired, and Alex gets promoted. Louis is mad that Alex didn't turn down the job for her, and Alex says that she can handle the job way better than Louis ever could. Louis chuckles somewhat evilly and is like, "I know you, Mack. What is this, job number five now? Good luck." Okay, how have I lived this long without realising my undying love for Louis Driscoll? Homeboy's awesome. Maybe it's because he was the one that eventually told the bad guys that Alex was the GC-161 kid. Maybe that's why I forgot all the awesome Louisness that happened before that.

Louis, distracted by all the dad-hate and Alex-betrayal, fails the driving course. Aww, poor Louis. The instructor tells him that if he drives like this next week, not only will he fail to get his license, he'll also be suspended. Um, why? How is that an appropriate punishment for poor driving? Suspension, really? I mean, I'm spectacularly bad at dancing, but I never got suspended for it. I can't draw to save my life, but not once did my art teacher decide that she needed to punish me for it. Teaching fail, Mr. Driver Ed Man. Also, we have a Louis hat in this scene! And if you look in the background, you can see an Alex hat as well! Double hat score!

That night (or some night), Louis is having a crazy dream. He's driving his dream car in outer space, blowing up comets and stuff with his dad's face on them. He even blows up Alex, but she comes back to life and starts playing paddle-ball right in his face. And she's wearing a hat, although I'm not sure dream hats count.

Alex wakes Louis up, asking if he's okay. He maintains that he most certainly is not, on account of the aforementioned driving-faulire, dad-hating and Alex-betraying. Sucks to be Louis. Alex tells him to man up and accept the fact that he's created most of his problems, and he has to take responsibility for it. And she says all this while wearing a hat.

Some time later, Louis comes to visit Alex at work. She's fallen way behind. It seems that Louis was right -- he does have a difficult job, and Alex can't handle it. I honestly don't approve of fifteen-year-olds being given such huge responsibilities, but okay. Even at that fucking bakery, our biggest responsibility would be to lock up for the night, or go to the post office and mail shit.

Back at the lab (the Atron one, not the Frankenfurter one), the face cream is having some side effects. As in, a disgusting rash thing that looks like shingles. George and Nondescript Scientist Friend are trying to fix it, and they take the time to have a heart-to-heart. Nondescript Scientist Friend was jealous that George was getting all the praise for inventing the perfect face cream, and George tells him that they're a team. It's hard to take them seriously, because they're wearing stupid gas masks.

Alex and Louis have finished all their work. You see what happens when you have a Louis Driscoll handy? Big Lou comes in, and Louis tells him that all he was really looking for was a bit of attention. He shows Big Lou the database he's created, so they don't have to mess around with all that paperwork. Hee, Louis Driscoll, bringing giant corporations into the 21st century. Big Lou offers Louis his job back. And while this is going on, you'd better believe that Alex is wearing a hat:

Louis is getting ready for his driving test. Spoiler alert: he passes. In a hat:

Alex, Louis and Ray have a fun teenagey talk about driving, and just what to do with Alex's first paycheque. She wants to buy a car with her $87. Ray thinks she's nuts. And once again, it all ends in fun times and everyone's happy, especially Alex, who's employed and wearing a hat.

So to summarise, today's episode involved exactly one use of Alex's powers -- liquefying into Louis's office, a feat that could've also been easily achieved with the aid of a door. But we did have three Alex hats, two Alex beanies, two Louis hats, one Alex cap...and a partridge in a pear tree. Hope y'all had a great Christmas, and have a boozy New Years'. Oh, and if you see a blonde driving around in a brand-new black Corolla, you'd better believe that it's me!

You love me! You really love me!

2009-12-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hey.

Hey, Internet.

How you doing, Internet?

Listen, about the whole 'ditching you' thing...I know you probably think I'm really uncool for it, and you're probably feeling pretty shitty and unolved right now, but you've gotta believe me, baby. You've gotta believe me when I tell you that I tried to make time for you. Truly, I did. In fact, I've been sitting on this Alex Mack recap since December 3rd. You know how busy I am, Internet. Didn't I tell you? Thanks to my stupid job, I've been to literally dozens of Christmas parties this month...but you know how many I've been a guest of? One. That's my life, honey bunny.

Oh come on, don't be like that. You knew what you were getting into when you and I started this thing. Don't you realise that I'd rather be with you? I think somewhere deep down you know that what I'm saying makes a lot of sense. I'm prepared to make it up to you, Internet. I'll post every day if you want me to. Maybe more than once, if you think you're up for it.

Okay, so that was my apology. Blame the holiday season. (And you can blame me, if you really want to.) In fact, since this is my first day off since Christmas (and technically, that wasn't a day off as much as it was a relatives-fest) I was actually planning on sleeping until about four in the afternoon and then maybe having some Pringles for dinner. But then I discovered this...

An award! For me! I feel so loved! But like everything in life, there are rules:

1) The first rule of Fight Club is, you don't talk about Fight Club.

Fine, alright, that's not one of them. But it should be. Just putting that out there. Here are the actual rules:

1) Thanks the person who nominated me for this award
2) Copy the award and place it on my blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated me for this award.
3) Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
5) Nominate 7 bloggers
6) Post links to the 7 blogs I nominate.

As you can see, I've already done number 2. If there's one thing I like better than winning awards, it's shamelessly bragging about it.

Of course, I'd like to thank the lovely Shannon, proprietress of the Luke's Dinner and Shannon's Sweet Valley High blogs, two of my absolute favourite blogs in the whole wide world.

Now for seven interesting (depending on your definition of the word) things about me:

1. If I could be any person from history, I'd be Walt Disney...or maybe Marilyn Monroe, so I could have wild gorilla sex with JFK and finally work out how they both really died.
2. I cry every single time I watch Titanic, without fail. I believe that anyone who doesn't is at least halfway dead inside.
3. 'Forgiveness' is a word that's just not in my category. I'll hold a grudge forever -- and if you're reading this, Stephanie Wynne, I know you stole my Spice Girls collector photo when we were six. That shit's just not cool.
4. I refuse to perpetuate the lie that you need math in the real world.
5. My favourite actor growing up was Heath Ledger. Even before he hit the big time in the US, I had Heath Ledger posters on my wall. I wanted very much to marry him. I know celebrity deaths are becoming more and more common these days, but I don't believe anything will affect me as much as his did.

6. Call me un-Australian (at your own peril), but I think the beach is overrated -- It's just water, sand and that annoying slushy shit that water and sand make when they meet.
7. I have no real desire to be megabucks rich, but I would like enough money to be able to move to Boston and live comfortably tending bar at McGreevey's and hanging out with the Dropkick Murphys. (Technically I don't know them yet, but I think they'd like me.)

My seven awesome blogs:

1. Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog -- is it against the rules to nominate one that nominated me? I will anyway, because I love it to pieces.
2. Gourmet Scum and Other Fun Stuff -- I'm very big on my 90210 DVDs right now, so this one's perfect for me.
3. Children of the Nineties -- go to this site, and you can practically see the nostalgia.
4. Margo Rising -- it's almost finished (sob!) but it deserves to go out with a bang.
5. Fear Street -- I was never a huge R.L. Stine fan (except for the Seniors books) but I love this site anyway
6. Baby Sitters Club Revisited -- because who didn't (doesn't?) love the BSC?
7. Are You There, Youth? It's Me, Nikki -- bring on more Judy Blume, I say!

Oh, and I'm finishing off Alex Mack as we speak, so it should be up by this afternoon.

My next post will be a recap, but...

2009-11-24T22:11:00.000-08:00

...I just had to tell you all that my procrastination was worth it. While you were off, cursing me for not updating this blog quite as often as I should, I wrote a novel. A fucking novel. See, look!

Thank you, thank you. I am quite proud myself. My one goal in life has been achieved, so I guess I need to set myself another one, or I could stop now and die accomplished. Not sure which one I want yet.

A message from your less-than-faithful blogger

2009-11-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not posting last week. I should probably have Sesame Street done by Friday. If you really can't get enough of me (and I understand how this could happen), you can head on over to my Lo-Town blog and check out my notes on Twilight in the interim:

http://hellobrisvegas.livejournal.com/

Stay cool, peeps.

Rugrats: The Trial

2009-11-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

Big thanks to AngelicaPicklesFan19, who's posted a whole host of Rugrats eps on the 'Tube, including this one.

The episode begins with a close-up of Mr. Fluffles, Tommy's clown lamp. Quick story -- when I was really young, I had a clown lamp too. It wasn't anywhere near that cool, though. It was more like a regular lamp with a ceramic clown on the base, playing a violin. I know most kids are scared of clowns, but clearly I never was, and I guess neither was Tommy.

Didi and Betty are hanging out in the kitchen when they hear a crash. It's Tommy's clown lamp, shattered into a billion pieces on the floor. Oh noes! Tommy starts bawling his eyes out, because Mr. Fluffles obviously means a lot to him. Angelica walks into the room, innocently saying she was taking her nap and hear a loud noise. So really, right from the start it's pretty clear that Angelica broke the lamp. Technically she's only four, so she's got a few years to hone her lying skills before she turns into a full-on Jessica Wakefieldesque sociopath. (She's well on her way, though.)

Betty tells Didi that she saw a similar lamp at Babyworld, and the adults go off to call them and see if they have any in stock. In the playpen, Tommy is mourning the loss of Mr. Fluffles. He even screams, "Why my lamp, why?!" I doubt I'd have been quite that cut up if my lamp had met a similar fate, but poor ol' Tommy is really taking this to heart. Angelica suggests that one of them broke the lamp, and they ought to have a trial to determine which baby did it. Hee. Angelica turning the babies against each other over a crime she committed is really, really low. This is so beyond regular toddler bullying right now.

Angelica teaches the babies all the court lingo they'll need to know. Tommy gets to be the judge, complete with his very own "gravel." Angelica gets the be the "persecutor", because she is the oldest and therefore the wisest. Oh, and a whole bunch of teddy bears get to be the "jerky." Handing down the verdict is kind-of a big job to give to a bunch of bears, but hey, this isn't my court. Phil demands to know why he can't be the persecutor, and Angelica's like, "Quiet, or I'll make you the jerky!" I do notice that they're missing a bailiff. Where's Byrd from Judge Judy where you need him?

The first thing Angelica does in her role of persecutor is to call Phil and Lil to the stand. She asks them, "Do you swear to tell Ruth, the whole Ruth and nothing but the Ruth so help you Bob?" I don't know about anyone else, but to this day I stil say, "so help you Bob." It's just funny. Anyhoo, Phil and Lil tell their story -- they were playing Ring Around The Rosy around the lamp, then ran off just before it crashed.

Angelica is not conviced. She accuses Phil and Lil of knocking the lamp over in their dizzy state before running away. Lil admits that she did bump into it, but it didn't fall down. I'd just like to take this time to point out that it's probably not the best parenting idea to leave a giant unstable glass lamp in the middle of the room full of small children. Had Lil actually knocked it over, I daresay Mr. Fluffles would've been responsible for a few trips to the emergency room.

While Phil and Lil sit there all ashamed-like, Angelica decides that perhaps they didn't do it...despite the fact that Lil just admitted to bumping into the lamp right before it broke. The fact that Angelica has already caused a lot of heartache and suspicion among friends yet still wants to continue this game is really shocking. The girl has problems. She turns her attention to Chuckie, who begins his story.

Chuckie says that he was in the corner, playing with blocks, while watching Phil and Lil play Ring Around The Rosy. He claims that he didn't want to join in because it "looked kinda dangerous." And for the first time, Chuckie actually has the right to be cautious. They're spinning around right next to a frickin' glass clown lamp, for God's sakes! Seriously, what parent would think that's harmless? Anyway, Chuckie says that a giant bunny rabbit suddenly appeared behind him, and he hid under the couch to get away from it. Because Chuckie is Donnie Darko. Yeah.

Persecutor Angelica states that Chuckie must be the "poopetrator." Despite the fact that his alibi involved seeing a giant rabbit monster, Angelica doesn't try to nitpick this. Instead, she accuses him of deliberately knocking over the clown lamp. After all, Chuckie is afraid of clowns, is he not? Chuckie tearfully admits that he did want to break the clown lamp, on account of it being so scary and all. Angelica's all victorious, until Chuckie says that he only ever thought about breaking the lamp, and that he didn't actually do it. Still, though, admitting his intent to do away with Mr. Fluffles couldn't have been good for his case. If I was on the jerky, I'd definitely be thinking that the future doesn't look so bright for the short-sighted, clown-hating, monster-witnessing ranga.

Angelica calls bullshit on Chuckie's story, but Tommy firmly states that, "if Chuckie said he didn't broked the lamp, then he didn't broked the lamp." Aww. Let's hope Tommy doesn't grow up to be a judge, though, because I don't think that kind of reasoning is exactly smiled upon in real courts of law.

Just then, Tommy has a brainwave. Hadn't Angelica already taken a nap before she came over? And if she was sleeping, how did she know that Lil bumped the lamp after Ring Around The Rosy? And, in Chuckie's words, "how do you know all the other stuff you knowed?" Angelica finally admits that she broke the lamp, and breaks out into a spontaneous confession:

Angelica was looking for a crayon so that she could write on the walls and blame Tommy. (Example of sociopathy #137.) She went into the living room, and got mad that Phil and Lil were playing a game and didn't invite her. Because...she's such good company? So she found Tommy's bunny rabbit mask and used it to scare Chuckie away. She looked up at the lamp and decided that it looked stupid and must die. Um, wow. Apparently she didn't like it's stupid smile. She says, "I decided to make sure it'd never smile again." Again, wow. That's just...wow. I always pretty much knew that Angelica was a mean girl when I was younger, but she seems be presenting signs of some sort of personality disorder. After all, she just murdered an innocent clown lamp for no reason whatsoever, then took pleasure in turning a bunch of babies against each other by accusing them of a crime none of them committed.

Back to the present. Tommy is crushed that his older cousin broke his favourite lamp. I can't relate, because my older cousins were the best. And also, they weren't psychotic. Anyway, Angelica starts boasting that yeah, she broke the lamp, "and if I had the chance, I'd do it again." Kinda like a serial killer. She taunts the babies about how she's going to get away with it, "because you can't talk!" Just then, Didi screams her name. She and Betty have been standing behind Angelica the whole time she was confessing. Heh. Suck it, Angelica.

Didi grabs Angelica and drags her off to the kitchen, and the babies wonder if she'll go to jail. Just then, they hear Angelica scream out, "No! Not the chair!" as Did locks her into the high chair. The lesson here, for your 411, is to always make sure that you're not in the company of adults when confessing, and that the punishment for clown lamp murder in the Pickles household is the chair....the high chair. Tommy says, "I guess the persecutor is the poopetrator this time!" and all is well in Rugrats-land once more.